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TheBurningOfSodom
Metalhead

Joined: Sat Jun 27, 2015 9:28 am
Posts: 609
Location: Italy
PostPosted: Thu Sep 21, 2023 4:46 pm 
 

And the prize for the weirdest formatting goes to...

Spoiler: show
Image

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For some reason I remember someone making haikus out of another review attempt on this thread and I'll be damned if it doesn't work like a charm even this time:

Very formulaic
A little about corpses
Mostly religion
_________________
Funeralinversion wrote:
Big, juicy, veiny, throbbing hard riffs. Big heavy knuckle dragging, cock swaddling compositions for those in fear of soap/bathing. Listen at your own risk. No signs of intelligent life.

lonerider wrote:
Think I'm gonna go take a whiz through my fretboard now

It's the dawn of descending...

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Forever Underground
Metalhead

Joined: Sat Sep 08, 2018 7:35 am
Posts: 1180
Location: Galiza
PostPosted: Thu Sep 21, 2023 4:50 pm 
 

I've seen that style of review a lot on RateYourMusic and mainly on hip hop and pop records. Although calling it a "review" seems audacious to me, but I've always perceived it as something that people do when they want to show their opinion about a musical work but don't want to make an effort to express it in a good way.
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MetlaNZ wrote:
As I write this I'm mentally body slamming an innocent old lady walking down the street like that dude from Scatterbrain.

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TheBurningOfSodom
Metalhead

Joined: Sat Jun 27, 2015 9:28 am
Posts: 609
Location: Italy
PostPosted: Thu Sep 21, 2023 5:15 pm 
 

Makes sense, then... it's a site I barely ever visited.
_________________
Funeralinversion wrote:
Big, juicy, veiny, throbbing hard riffs. Big heavy knuckle dragging, cock swaddling compositions for those in fear of soap/bathing. Listen at your own risk. No signs of intelligent life.

lonerider wrote:
Think I'm gonna go take a whiz through my fretboard now

It's the dawn of descending...

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duwan
Metal newbie

Joined: Tue Feb 28, 2023 8:16 pm
Posts: 87
Location: Brazil
PostPosted: Sun Oct 01, 2023 9:43 am 
 

Quote:
Christianity, especially christ themes


Ok.
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who da fuk sent me this shit - my friend after I crush his face with a hammer (cannibal corpse referenec)
ChatGPT wrote:
The first lineup of the band Carcass included Bill Steer on guitar and Lee Dorrian on vocals.

Check my mediocre ahh reviews

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TheBurningOfSodom
Metalhead

Joined: Sat Jun 27, 2015 9:28 am
Posts: 609
Location: Italy
PostPosted: Thu Oct 05, 2023 12:52 pm 
 

Spoiler: show
Image

Utterly and thoroughly confused by everything... rating included.
_________________
Funeralinversion wrote:
Big, juicy, veiny, throbbing hard riffs. Big heavy knuckle dragging, cock swaddling compositions for those in fear of soap/bathing. Listen at your own risk. No signs of intelligent life.

lonerider wrote:
Think I'm gonna go take a whiz through my fretboard now

It's the dawn of descending...

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robotniq
Metal newbie

Joined: Wed Oct 03, 2007 6:08 am
Posts: 374
Location: United Kingdom
PostPosted: Thu Oct 05, 2023 1:03 pm 
 

Interesting, I've been meaning to review that Crucifixion album for a while - but it is a tricky one, never quite worked out how I feel about it.

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TheBurningOfSodom
Metalhead

Joined: Sat Jun 27, 2015 9:28 am
Posts: 609
Location: Italy
PostPosted: Thu Oct 05, 2023 2:09 pm 
 

You can't do worse than this, I guess...
_________________
Funeralinversion wrote:
Big, juicy, veiny, throbbing hard riffs. Big heavy knuckle dragging, cock swaddling compositions for those in fear of soap/bathing. Listen at your own risk. No signs of intelligent life.

lonerider wrote:
Think I'm gonna go take a whiz through my fretboard now

It's the dawn of descending...

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robotniq
Metal newbie

Joined: Wed Oct 03, 2007 6:08 am
Posts: 374
Location: United Kingdom
PostPosted: Thu Oct 05, 2023 4:21 pm 
 

All done...

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Demon Fang
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Mar 12, 2019 9:42 am
Posts: 540
PostPosted: Fri Oct 06, 2023 12:26 am 
 

"Mom I want OlympicSharpshooter's review of Pagan's Mind's Enigmatic: Calling!"

"We got OlympicSharpshooter's review of Pagan's Mind's Enigmatic: Calling at home!"

The review of Pagan's Mind's Enigmatic: Calling at home:

TheBurningOfSodom wrote:
Spoiler: show
Image

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LawrenceStillman
Metal newbie

Joined: Sun Jan 08, 2023 1:25 pm
Posts: 98
Location: Malaysia
PostPosted: Fri Oct 06, 2023 5:04 am 
 

calls it horrible, proceeds to give it a 95, what in the hell?

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duwan
Metal newbie

Joined: Tue Feb 28, 2023 8:16 pm
Posts: 87
Location: Brazil
PostPosted: Fri Oct 06, 2023 8:24 am 
 

5th paragraph in a nutshell:

Spoiler: show
This album fucking fucked and fucking fuck the fuck of the fucking fuck and this is a fucking the fuck it sucks fuck
_________________
who da fuk sent me this shit - my friend after I crush his face with a hammer (cannibal corpse referenec)
ChatGPT wrote:
The first lineup of the band Carcass included Bill Steer on guitar and Lee Dorrian on vocals.

Check my mediocre ahh reviews

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robotniq
Metal newbie

Joined: Wed Oct 03, 2007 6:08 am
Posts: 374
Location: United Kingdom
PostPosted: Fri Oct 06, 2023 1:34 pm 
 

I understand what the reviewer is getting at, and I can see the potential of their chosen approach (which is essentially a 'character narration' by a misguided hypothetical person, invented by the reviewer, who has opposing views to that of the reviewer). It doesn't work because the review flits between this character's views and the reviewer's actual views (with no signposting for the reader as to who is who). With a little more tightness it would have worked, and it does also get to the essence of the record (although I can see how it makes even less sense to anyone who is unfamiliar with it).

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Napalm_Satan
Ever-Opening Flower

Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2015 4:27 pm
Posts: 3813
Location: United Kingdom
PostPosted: Thu Oct 12, 2023 4:47 am 
 

Earlier I rejected a review with a notice that contained the sentence 'Just... start over, and don't feel the need to be too clever with a review if it gets in the way of it being an actual review.'

That also applies here; whilst I would actually call this a review it still suffers from reaching further than one's grasp.
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Napalm_Satan
Ever-Opening Flower

Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2015 4:27 pm
Posts: 3813
Location: United Kingdom
PostPosted: Thu Nov 02, 2023 4:05 am 
 

'Well give them a hand for trying...'

Spoiler: show
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And on today's episode of 'Who could be this lazy and actually live?'

Spoiler: show
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Also of note was a review of a similar 'quality level' (as in, less than zero) that I had saved but sadly overwrote the screenshot of: it was entirely in (presumably) Ukrainian given the album being reviewed... it translated to total gibberish. That might be some stupidity on Google Translate's end, but more willing to bet even in their native language they were making no sense whatsoever.
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Slater922
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Apr 14, 2020 6:24 pm
Posts: 2362
PostPosted: Thu Nov 02, 2023 11:12 am 
 

Napalm_Satan wrote:
And on today's episode of 'Who could be this lazy and actually live?'

Spoiler: show
Image

Image

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More like "In today's episode of 'Confusing MA reviews for YouTube comments.'"
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duwan
Metal newbie

Joined: Tue Feb 28, 2023 8:16 pm
Posts: 87
Location: Brazil
PostPosted: Thu Nov 02, 2023 2:32 pm 
 

I used to write reviews like that when I had a blog back when I was a kid (probably 10/11y.o)
_________________
who da fuk sent me this shit - my friend after I crush his face with a hammer (cannibal corpse referenec)
ChatGPT wrote:
The first lineup of the band Carcass included Bill Steer on guitar and Lee Dorrian on vocals.

Check my mediocre ahh reviews

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TheBurningOfSodom
Metalhead

Joined: Sat Jun 27, 2015 9:28 am
Posts: 609
Location: Italy
PostPosted: Tue Nov 07, 2023 7:21 am 
 

Spoiler: show
Image

Somebody decided to take a jab at tomcat, even if I can't see how the two things are linked...
_________________
Funeralinversion wrote:
Big, juicy, veiny, throbbing hard riffs. Big heavy knuckle dragging, cock swaddling compositions for those in fear of soap/bathing. Listen at your own risk. No signs of intelligent life.

lonerider wrote:
Think I'm gonna go take a whiz through my fretboard now

It's the dawn of descending...

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Napalm_Satan
Ever-Opening Flower

Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2015 4:27 pm
Posts: 3813
Location: United Kingdom
PostPosted: Tue Nov 07, 2023 10:15 am 
 

LOL yeah. I know tomcat personally and that was good for a hearty chuckle in our friend group. I think that guy actually was someone that was in a Discord server tomcat runs, probably banned or smth. Pathetic, cope and seethe.
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TheBurningOfSodom
Metalhead

Joined: Sat Jun 27, 2015 9:28 am
Posts: 609
Location: Italy
PostPosted: Sat Nov 18, 2023 6:59 pm 
 

Image

Almost forgot to post this one. Username really says it all. I also love 'kindave', it would make a good nickname for some Dave around.
_________________
Funeralinversion wrote:
Big, juicy, veiny, throbbing hard riffs. Big heavy knuckle dragging, cock swaddling compositions for those in fear of soap/bathing. Listen at your own risk. No signs of intelligent life.

lonerider wrote:
Think I'm gonna go take a whiz through my fretboard now

It's the dawn of descending...

Top
 Profile  
Napalm_Satan
Ever-Opening Flower

Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2015 4:27 pm
Posts: 3813
Location: United Kingdom
PostPosted: Sun Dec 03, 2023 5:56 am 
 

Image

What the hell is this formatting, man
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All we love, we leave behind.

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NocturnalKiller666
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Sun Jun 24, 2018 2:02 pm
Posts: 7
Location: Poland
PostPosted: Sun Dec 03, 2023 9:38 am 
 

Napalm_Satan wrote:
Spoiler: show
Image


lol

I laughed from it for couple minutes straight
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gasmask_colostomy
Metalhead

Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 5:38 am
Posts: 1646
Location: China
PostPosted: Mon Dec 11, 2023 12:04 am 
 

Quote:
The distortions in this band is what made Be Persecuted great. In this album however, it wasn't noticable as much like the previous. Nevertheless, this mini-album was great, the vocals, the melody, the instrumentals were just awe-mazing. I could literally fall asleep and cry at the same time.


You could what? (This was the whole review.)
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Napero wrote:
the dismal stench of The Chicken Bone Gallows on the Plains of Mediocre Desolation was unleashed upon the unsuspecting world by the unholy rusty lawnmower molester horde that is Satan's Prenuptial Charcuterie from the endless field of tombs that is Butthill, Alabama

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Napalm_Satan
Ever-Opening Flower

Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2015 4:27 pm
Posts: 3813
Location: United Kingdom
PostPosted: Tue Dec 12, 2023 4:56 pm 
 

Image

This sort of thing is almost quaint. Was talking with a friend of mine and he noted that the track-by-track/'score each individual song' format, with regards to metal/this site is kind of a relic of the p2p filesharing era, when MP3 storage was limited and you'd cut things down to the best tracks to download. Seeing this in 2023 is makes me think if this person sat on this draft for 20 years.
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All we love, we leave behind.


Last edited by Napalm_Satan on Tue Dec 19, 2023 3:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Slater922
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Apr 14, 2020 6:24 pm
Posts: 2362
PostPosted: Wed Dec 13, 2023 8:13 pm 
 

Napalm_Satan wrote:
Image

This sort of thing is almost quaint. Was talking with a friend of mine and he noted that the track-by-track/'score each individual song' format, with regards to metal/this site is kind of a relic of the p2p filesharing era, when MP3 storage was limited and you'd cut things down to the best tracks to download. Seeing this in 2023 is makes me think if this person sit on this draft for 20 years.

I have a theory that this guy literally time traveled from 2003 to post this :wanker:
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Under a serpent sun... we shall all live as one! - "Under a Serpent Sun" by At The Gates
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Napalm_Satan
Ever-Opening Flower

Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2015 4:27 pm
Posts: 3813
Location: United Kingdom
PostPosted: Thu Dec 14, 2023 6:45 am 
 

Yeah exactly lol, shit's uncanny.

Image

Lmao at the album this was posted for. I'm guessing, as a fellow scribe pointed out, that the spam bot was programmed to look for the word 'casino.'


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'Written at a high level and brings with it twists of punk and melodic death that will not leave any pogoist standing at rest.'

Review of the fuckin' year right here.
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All we love, we leave behind.

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gasmask_colostomy
Metalhead

Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 5:38 am
Posts: 1646
Location: China
PostPosted: Thu Dec 14, 2023 8:41 am 
 

Napalm_Satan wrote:
'Written at a high level and brings with it twists of punk and melodic death that will not leave any pogoist standing at rest.'

I mean that's a sentence that makes me hope they sort the rest of the editing out.
_________________
Napero wrote:
the dismal stench of The Chicken Bone Gallows on the Plains of Mediocre Desolation was unleashed upon the unsuspecting world by the unholy rusty lawnmower molester horde that is Satan's Prenuptial Charcuterie from the endless field of tombs that is Butthill, Alabama

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DoomMetalAlchemist
Veteran

Joined: Mon Dec 27, 2010 6:10 am
Posts: 2872
PostPosted: Thu Dec 14, 2023 12:13 pm 
 

Personally, I liked "drums are noticeable."

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Napalm_Satan
Ever-Opening Flower

Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2015 4:27 pm
Posts: 3813
Location: United Kingdom
PostPosted: Mon Dec 18, 2023 2:26 pm 
 

Truly masterful wordsmithery.

Image

Again with the formatting, man.


Image

Image

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Again with treating the reviews like a YouTube comment section, man. I appreciate the enthusiasm of that last one, I guess.


Image

This one's kinda funny because the review was initially sent in with a lot more to it, but it was caught as being AI generated. It was rejected, then sent back with all of it removed... but they didn't replace it with anything. A real testament to how creative some people can be, that without AI they have nothing else to add apparently.
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gasmask_colostomy
Metalhead

Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 5:38 am
Posts: 1646
Location: China
PostPosted: Wed Jan 17, 2024 5:55 am 
 

Quote:
Interesting, Overall. - 78%

One of the first heavier albums I listened to. Not bad, but not amazing either.

Yep, that's all she wrote.
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Napero wrote:
the dismal stench of The Chicken Bone Gallows on the Plains of Mediocre Desolation was unleashed upon the unsuspecting world by the unholy rusty lawnmower molester horde that is Satan's Prenuptial Charcuterie from the endless field of tombs that is Butthill, Alabama

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TheBurningOfSodom
Metalhead

Joined: Sat Jun 27, 2015 9:28 am
Posts: 609
Location: Italy
PostPosted: Sun Feb 11, 2024 7:14 am 
 

Spoiler: show
Image

Can't help but feel bad about this...


Spoiler: show
Image

Would appreciate the translation, especially if it didn't stop halfway through.


Oh and I also forgot to post this somehow:

Spoiler: show
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It's interesting and all but... what is it talking about?
_________________
Funeralinversion wrote:
Big, juicy, veiny, throbbing hard riffs. Big heavy knuckle dragging, cock swaddling compositions for those in fear of soap/bathing. Listen at your own risk. No signs of intelligent life.

lonerider wrote:
Think I'm gonna go take a whiz through my fretboard now

It's the dawn of descending...

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TheBurningOfSodom
Metalhead

Joined: Sat Jun 27, 2015 9:28 am
Posts: 609
Location: Italy
PostPosted: Sun Feb 11, 2024 7:31 am 
 

I also happened to remember this user:

Spoiler: show
Metantoine wrote:
This is a fucking hilarious review by a guy who's just way too fucking horny.
https://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/ ... ery/407515
a friend said the following "This is the first review to count as sexual harassment" and christ maybe.

the best part:
Quote:
I swear the music on The Shadow induces the kind of sex that empties the testicles of all semen upon ejaculation.


Quote:
The shadow is a passion-filled release of utter blasphemy and occult mysticism. It has a raw but listenable production and is crammed with haunting melodies. Lilita Arndt, has managed to capture the very essence of hatred and lust, blend them together and place the juices in a capsule of mysterious magnificence. Her vocals are the most passionate I have ever heard, from a new black metal band/project. She strips the veil from the face of compassion for satanic arts and dispels upon the listener, a bare-bones lyrical and vocal sexuality I have only heard of scarcely. The Shadow is a combination of untamed passion, dedication, aggression, and submission, all channeled towards anything within its path.

On "Mystic Schizophrenia" Lilita Arndt ups the atmosphere and accelerates the drumming; this song rams the listener in the face. She is like a seamstress the way in which every burst of anger is conveyed as if it had been stitched into her vocal chords at birth. I don't even know If I can refer to the sounds emitted from her mouth as vocals; they sound more like malevolent cries (not in a DSBM way) begging for the deities to grant her enlightenment. Some of her sung passages sound very heavy/doom metal like; they paint a scenery of a practitioner of adept leveled witchcraft, going through many spiritual phases and states in the quest to attain that which is sought out. What is most striking about the album are the vocals; they sound very sexually driven. She answers Iron Maiden's question clearly; "Can I play with madness?" with a resounding screech and a scrotum snatching snare. On the song "What Waits in The End", Lilita Arndt's vocals are the equivalent of a female Ravn of 1349, on the track "I am Abomination". Every line is pronounced with such fury that one would begin to feel as though she sincerely would like to carry out ill will. Lilita Arndt utters "face to face, eye to eye" in such a seductive fashion that images of passionate tantric sex vividly presented themselves before me. I swear the music on The Shadow induces the kind of sex that empties the testicles of all semen upon ejaculation.

The guitars throughout the album are nothing special in particular; and don't need to be. They perfectly play along as Lilita proficiently guides her wand and spits her envenomed scriptures, causing the listener to salivate as the ritual climbs to its climax. The track "Condemned to Death" is a bit depressive in its overall sound; although I hate dsbm I am going to be forgiving of this, due to the majority of the album being aggressive.

This crepuscular ceremony she plays out surely will captivate and include the listener as a willing participant of unholy astral penetration. This album is going to turn you on, especially if it has been a while since you have pelted forth any water. I am in utter shock at this release; I had no idea such a masterpiece existed. The Shadow by Ieschure is so demanding and aggressive yet comforting and humble. I struggle to find words to describe this exquisite extravaganza; this bewildering bouquet of benevolence and boner breaking brutality. The Shadow is a short but timeless raw occult black metal album. Each song is unique in its own way; the melodies, vocals and lyrics will remain in your head for many days once you have listened to the album thoroughly at least once. The Shadow is a gem that has been lost amongst the vast mediocrity of black metal bands that want to wear corpse paint and appear "trve" to the genre, whilst riding on the notoriety of Darkthrone note for note. Ieschure's "The Shadow" effortlessly shits on many of the "trve" black metal bands. I hope to see this masterpiece garner more attention and praise as it is worth every bit.

...and, um, I'm pretty sure he's a recidivist :lol: https://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/ ... ery/407515

Quote:
There is one positive take away from Fire Whiplash, that being the vocals of the front woman. As bad as many people think they are, I admire the shit out of them. Her vocals sound very organic and raspy, her mid-range highs have a sort of sexual wailing that I like as though she is about to achieve an orgasm. Hearing her style of screaming got me really hard really fast.
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Funeralinversion wrote:
Big, juicy, veiny, throbbing hard riffs. Big heavy knuckle dragging, cock swaddling compositions for those in fear of soap/bathing. Listen at your own risk. No signs of intelligent life.

lonerider wrote:
Think I'm gonna go take a whiz through my fretboard now

It's the dawn of descending...

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TheBurningOfSodom
Metalhead

Joined: Sat Jun 27, 2015 9:28 am
Posts: 609
Location: Italy
PostPosted: Fri Mar 22, 2024 11:30 am 
 

Spoiler: show
Image

Not sure how to feel about this one, but certainly it's been a while since I last saw somebody type "!!!1!!" ironically or not.
_________________
Funeralinversion wrote:
Big, juicy, veiny, throbbing hard riffs. Big heavy knuckle dragging, cock swaddling compositions for those in fear of soap/bathing. Listen at your own risk. No signs of intelligent life.

lonerider wrote:
Think I'm gonna go take a whiz through my fretboard now

It's the dawn of descending...

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Slater922
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Apr 14, 2020 6:24 pm
Posts: 2362
PostPosted: Fri Mar 22, 2024 7:48 pm 
 

TheBurningOfSodom wrote:
Spoiler: show
Image

Not sure how to feel about this one, but certainly it's been a while since I last saw somebody type "!!!1!!" ironically or not.

Apparently, Vengeance War 'till Death is avant-garde. :???:
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Under a serpent sun... we shall all live as one! - "Under a Serpent Sun" by At The Gates
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