Man I fucking love that review.

well I'd have to say Eternal Nightmare is one of the worst thrash records I've heard and Sean Killan sounds like Old Man Steptoe...so there we go

The number of great thrash vocalists is basically less than 1 percent. Seriously. Most thrash vocalists suck balls. But you know what? It doesn't matter, thrash is not about the vocals anways .

Does anyone remember that really creepy review in which the reviewer said something along the lines of "Don't you sometimes want to fuck a dead baby in it's tight, rotting vagina even though you know you shouldn't, but you do it anyway? I know I do. That's what this album is like." It was highly unorthodox and probably would have got him instantly sent to a mental institute or a police interrogation room had it been published in a newspaper. I don't remember the reviewer, album, or band, unfortunately.



(it might not have been about necropedophilic rape, but something equally nauseating)

Well, you also have no soul, so who the hell cares what you think?

The joke's on you then, having no soul = metal.

Haha, new "Sin after Sin" review:

"Now for the good. ‘Diamonds and Rust’ which is a Joan Baez cover (I believe she’s the new singer in Nightwish)"

Yeah, back in 1977, sure.

Some Gutterscream randoms, since he hasn't been quoted in a while and I got a hankering to take a lap around some of his works that I never read.

From Devastation's Violent Termination:
http://www.metal-archives.com/review.php?id=13228#29772

"Sure, there were plenty of mid/late eighties thrash acts that couldn't find an original idea even if they were giving Salvadore Dali a piggy-back ride, but at least some of them could perform with more enthusiasm than going through a car wash."

From Mephisto's Mephisto
http://www.metal-archives.com/review.php?id=8639#29772

"Unlike many vocalists of the sauerkraut persuasion that had gargled thumbtacks even just a little, Uwe Suerick is as scrubbed sounding as 99% of the pre-'83 groups, cleaner than a hospital floor and brightly pitched like the morning sun in your eyes."

From Iron Grey's Metal Race:
http://www.metal-archives.com/review.php?id=53382#29772

"Not bad for a nameless band whose handle never bothered to grow as much as a weed from metal's eternal swamp even after twenty years."

From Ruffians - Ruffians
http://www.metal-archives.com/review.php?id=5337#29772

"With a low-gloss, non-severe name that sounds more late '70s punk than metal, Ruffians take the straightaway, mid-'80s traditional path that was already a littering ground for so many bands since metal got its engine installed. A couple of borderline speed bands zip by in the fast lane, usually with less skill, diversity, and even taste. In the slow lane Great White and Pantera are passed regularly, sometimes to the wails of horns. The center lane is where you'll find Ruffians. Ahead of them in timing but with very similar modifications are Queensryche (from their ep to somewhere between The Warning and Rage for Order), Helstar, a slightly less weighted Fates Warning, and the unknown Villain, a band Carl Albert would be fronting in about a year."

You are aware of the joke right?

It's probably already been mentioned, but I love this line:


Nice and snappy, and an excuse I'd love to try out sometime.

I also read that in Gabometal's review of Eternal Devastation by Destruction... That was actually the title of the review.

Bah, Boris had it put to paper (or rather, bytes) by 2003. But it's a good line, nonetheless.

From bndgkmf's debut review on Metallica's And Justice For All -

You can't hear the bass? Having seen Metallica live about 3 times I can honestly say you don't want to hear the bass. It's not like Jason Newsted was Jaco Pastorius. Hell, he wasn't even Kip Winger.


That leaves us with Frayed Ends of Sanity. I don't know what to make of this song. It's somewhat fast. It's kinda got a proggy riff. It's got the coolest Wizard of Oz opening in heavy metal.

Some from OSS -

Sacred Steel's Wargods of Metal

And you have not laughed until you've heard this douchecunt say the word 'mehtul'. He really says it like that. While warbling. And holding high notes. And presumably waxing his sword. And then it gets even better on the last track, "Heavy Metal to the End", which 'boasts' possibly the worst chorus in metal history. In this masterwork, Mutz is joined by a gang of equally inept and FUCKING GERMAN backing vocalists to further enforce his incredibly silly voice. And since they're singing in a lower register he sounds like more of a whimpy punk than he usually does... and then he tries to go up an octave. Oh dear me. He's high pitched, but not like Kiske or Halford; more like a guy who's been kicked in the balls, or a clown just as the helium is starting to wear off.


Yngwie Malmsteen's Rising Force

Rising Force is the only metal album I’ve ever fallen asleep listening to… in the middle of the afternoon.


Dokken's Tooth and Nail

That’s really the biggest problem here (other than tracks like “Into the Fire” and “Just Got Lucky” which, uh, suck), said problem being that you can crook a finger at any song here and go ‘Yep, that’s stereotype #342251’, and worse, come up with examples that are way better from other bands.

Sabbath's The Sabbath Collection

Any compilation of only seven tracks that features "The Writ", "Supernaut", "Sabbra Cadabra", and "St. Vitus Dance" is a winner and a half, but I don't need to spell out that this is seven f'n tracks. I don't what to call this, a song sampler, a practical joke? Where did they expect this to find an audience? Greenland?

Sabbath's Iron Man

Oh, and dear lord, "LAGUNA SUNSHINE" AGAIN!?

At the Gates's Slaughter of the Soul

With the exception of the two instrumentals, each song seems calculated to get the pit moshing hard but smooth, the band wisely scraping away the more complex elements of thrash and glaring with a laser-eyed focus on the straight-forward ‘bang thy head’ riffery with an occasional Carcassian swinging hook to mix things up, dangling like a booger before the band sneezes out a compact flurry of riffage to segue back into the main thrust of the song.

And from Damnation's Aggressive Repulsive Symphony

Here's a blue-print of the typical song from this album: Start with a noisy piece of feedback-heavy guitar and wank on it about 10 seconds (which in some cases is over a tenth of the song), have your vocalist yell something unintelligible, and then launch into a fast three or fewer chord riff with accompanying random bashing away on the drums. The singer then oscillates between two distinct noises (ex. 'urr arr urr arr urr arr') over the beat, and then occasionally switches to "blahblahblahblahblahRRRRRAAAAAAAAARRRRR!" underneath which the band will simulate the sound of a drumkit exploding. Depending on the length of the song the band may unleash a deadly high-pitched squealing guitar lead that is shamelessly cribbed from the Kerry King playbook (but a bit shreddier, oddly). This is, to a tee, how the mainstream parodies underground metal and hardcore.



[oops, forgot the links...damn]

Genius.

A chuckle from Litany21's latest Vader review -

Ahh Vader...The most successful Polish metal band to ever come from the Iron Curtain. Known for their relentless riff attacks, unbelievable solos which Hell itself would run from and backed by a drum kit that makes a tank rust on sight, Vader comes at you with no stop in sight. Seeing Vader live just proves that.

From Ozzeh's latest Vital Remains review -

The songs are as energetic as my miniature schnauzer's puppy assault upon my roomate's English bulldog pup: never-ending, brutal and full of discontent.

To further glorify Abominatrix's written works -

Witchtrap (Col)'s No Anesthesia

The song fades out with the repeated shout of "metal army march", and provides an effect like a bunch of dangerous goons with boots and braces a-gleam inexplicably coalesced into formation (they're obviously possessed!) and striding purposefully off into the sunset to conquer yet another unwary settlement with their metal fortitude.

If I cut n' pasted everything I like from his Pagan Altar review, I'd have the whole piece here, so tackle it at its origin: http://www.metal-archives.com/review.php?id=3133

Esoteric (UK)'s The Pernicious Enigma

There are times on this album when Esoteric does actually sound like a metal band, of a particularly downtrodden and abysmal nature, with an ungodly guitar sound of bone shaking proportions and drums that resound about each time you take a shuddering breath of fetid air through your constricted lungs, the very fibers of which this oppressive soundscape of horror threatens to pulverize and crush.

I actually laughed out loud.

Doubly funny when you think about how unbelievably dull the drums are on that record.

ha thanks, I did enjoy writing that piece...and Dave Holland scares the shit out of me.

http://www.metal-archives.com/review.php?id=32418#78030

HAHAHAHAHAHA

If that title isn't meant to be a joke, that's the best slip o' the tongue I've seen in years.

I was going to say the same thing.

BastardHead for Necrophagist's Epitaph.



It helps that he's dead on about the record to boot. Rarely have I seen an album draw as much bullshit crit as this one.

Having finally heard Manowar's Gods of War I now find the title of Mutalitia's review hilarious.

I'm an idiot, I dun get it.

He's trying to find a new way to say the cliche 'off the beaten path'. Unfortunately, it now sounds like he is masturbating the path itself.

"Beating off - the path"

I think it looks more like a malaproprism than anything else, but not being a native English speaker I'm not too sure.

Well, none of the words in themselves are wrong (i.e. 'beating a path' is grammatically correct), and nothing in the body of the review indicates that it was meant to be a joke.

The only problem with this review is that its audience, and I am no exception, have dirty minds.

Aye ok, I figured it had something to do with 'beating off' and a double meaning or something

Better that than be uptight prudes.

Wait... Scream Bloody Gore is Death's self-titled?? Somebody is using a word they don't understand.
Also, that's... not a sentence.

Haha, that's a pretty shitty review on the whole. I just reviewed this last night... I'm kind of surprised that I managed to miss that gem when I was looking over the current reviews.

I have never posted in here, but I thought this was something:

How about different musical tastes, dipshit?

Are you kidding me, you actually take that literally? I'm sure he knows that people have differing musical tastes, I don't think you can survive past the age of five or so without stumbling across that fact. It's goddamn hyperbole.

It is worded pretty badly, though.