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megalowho
Metalhead

Joined: Sun Jan 29, 2006 4:33 am
Posts: 584
Location: United States of America
PostPosted: Mon Jul 24, 2017 3:15 pm 
 

Probably upping my therapy soon, as I've made multiple calls over the last few months feeling an urgent need to get my monthly session earlier than usual.

In the past, that's looked like a few weeks of intensive, almost-daily group therapy, with adjustments to my meds if needed. Outpatient of course is vastly preferable to inpatient, as you get to go home (and sleep without a camera on you) in between sessions. Group therapy is uncomfortable, and for me has not seemed to accomplish much, but I'm still open to it. It's always been uncomfortable because I don't have much of a talent for responding with good advice and heartfelt sympathy when I hear a perfect stranger discuss the struggles and tragedies from their lives. The facilitators solicit your input if you're quiet, and mine always feels like some variant of, "The challenges in your life sound really hard, if I knew how to cope with them any better than you already are, I'd tell you, but I hope it helps to have a group of people here listen and care." (I mean, that's probably not worthless, but I can only repeat it so many times before it begins to feel canned and kind of farcical.)

I'll leave most of the details and most of the verbal vomit to my therapist, but the short of it is that life increasingly feels like an inescapably lonely slog, that whatever efforts I make to improve my situation invariably result in feelings of anxiety, humiliation, self-hatred, and worse. Ten years ago, I identified what seemed to me the twin evils of life, or at least my life, as loneliness and toil. The "toil" aspect - i.e., having one's waking hours dominated by meaningless, dead-end, dehumanizing work, for the sake of mere subsistence - has miraculously worked itself out, but definitely didn't have to. I just got lucky. But if I had to be trapped in a soul-crushing job on top of things right now...god, I don't know.

Anyway, wish me luck if you're inclined. It just helps me to get this out there, as I'll need probably to collect my thoughts into a few "elevator statements."

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jimbies
Metalhead

Joined: Thu Jul 21, 2016 2:52 pm
Posts: 884
Location: Ontario, Canada
PostPosted: Mon Jul 24, 2017 3:53 pm 
 

megalowho wrote:
Probably upping my therapy soon, as I've made multiple calls over the last few months feeling an urgent need to get my monthly session earlier than usual.

In the past, that's looked like a few weeks of intensive, almost-daily group therapy, with adjustments to my meds if needed. Outpatient of course is vastly preferable to inpatient, as you get to go home (and sleep without a camera on you) in between sessions. Group therapy is uncomfortable, and for me has not seemed to accomplish much, but I'm still open to it. It's always been uncomfortable because I don't have much of a talent for responding with good advice and heartfelt sympathy when I hear a perfect stranger discuss the struggles and tragedies from their lives. The facilitators solicit your input if you're quiet, and mine always feels like some variant of, "The challenges in your life sound really hard, if I knew how to cope with them any better than you already are, I'd tell you, but I hope it helps to have a group of people here listen and care." (I mean, that's probably not worthless, but I can only repeat it so many times before it begins to feel canned and kind of farcical.)

I'll leave most of the details and most of the verbal vomit to my therapist, but the short of it is that life increasingly feels like an inescapably lonely slog, that whatever efforts I make to improve my situation invariably result in feelings of anxiety, humiliation, self-hatred, and worse. Ten years ago, I identified what seemed to me the twin evils of life, or at least my life, as loneliness and toil. The "toil" aspect - i.e., having one's waking hours dominated by meaningless, dead-end, dehumanizing work, for the sake of mere subsistence - has miraculously worked itself out, but definitely didn't have to. I just got lucky. But if I had to be trapped in a soul-crushing job on top of things right now...god, I don't know.

Anyway, wish me luck if you're inclined. It just helps me to get this out there, as I'll need probably to collect my thoughts into a few "elevator statements."



Give yourself some credit for this part. Maybe 'luck' had nothing to do with it, and maybe YOU made that positive change happen. Even if that's not entirely true, it's still a positive.

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Napalm_Satan
Veteran

Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2015 4:27 pm
Posts: 3149
PostPosted: Mon Jul 24, 2017 6:12 pm 
 

The fact that Chester Bennington's untimely passing has genuinely hurt someone who never knew him or had related to any of his work is a sore reminder of how painful suicide is for loved ones.

It's another eye opener on how much stress and pain I've inflicted to those around me. Suicide... not an option.
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MikeyC
Official Greeter of Broken Hills

Joined: Wed Jun 14, 2006 5:16 am
Posts: 13854
Location: Australia
PostPosted: Mon Jul 24, 2017 7:53 pm 
 

megalowho wrote:
I'll leave most of the details and most of the verbal vomit to my therapist, but the short of it is that life increasingly feels like an inescapably lonely slog, that whatever efforts I make to improve my situation invariably result in feelings of anxiety, humiliation, self-hatred, and worse. Ten years ago, I identified what seemed to me the twin evils of life, or at least my life, as loneliness and toil. The "toil" aspect - i.e., having one's waking hours dominated by meaningless, dead-end, dehumanizing work, for the sake of mere subsistence - has miraculously worked itself out, but definitely didn't have to. I just got lucky. But if I had to be trapped in a soul-crushing job on top of things right now...god, I don't know.

Best of luck, my friend. I know you can pull through this.
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TheWaltzer
Metalhead

Joined: Fri Feb 16, 2007 11:07 am
Posts: 651
Location: Slowfuck Republic
PostPosted: Tue Oct 31, 2017 2:48 am 
 

I hit a new low in the past week and frankly, I'm fucking terrified. It's been a week of pretty much permanent depression, anxiety, and self-hatred now. I'm super stressed at work and I'm having thoughts of quitting every day. I try to meet friends, but I can, if I'm lucky, make it through an hour or two before I start crumbling again and the smallest thing can just knock me out. Hell, I literally ran away from a conversation last Friday when a friend of mine (not just some stranger) was actually saying I did really well at something. I've had depression episodes before, but this one has been intense for a week... and on-and-off for at least a month and a half. I feel that my fuse has been lit and I can just blow up any second.

To make matters worse, I did something kinda stupid. I ended up sleeping with a friend of mine - we were always good friends, and over the last few weeks, we started talking more and more, eventually leading into this "why don't we actually become fuckbuddies" stage. I try to take it as a cool thing and I think I'm able to not get involved, but I think I really cling to it much more than she does. The thing is... sex aside, I can't be around her in this state. She's a confident and sometimes a bit self-obsessed person... which saps the life out of me. She's great and all, but all the time I'm going "... I wish I could be like that". And this has been happening when I talked to other confident people I know - I can't take it that they have what I don't.

... so I ended up in therapy (for the first time) yesterday and it sort of crushed me even more. I understand that the therapist is not there to make decisions for me, but she sort of just cluttered my mind even more. She almost instantly brought up the idea of medication and was very wishy-washy about saying anything about my problems. I even brought up the idea of isolating myself socially and she went all "You know, that might help." ... and I thought that this would be NEVER a good idea. The thing is - I almost instantly jumped on the idea. So now I'm here, my social media pretty much switched off, I called off tonight's meeting with friends and the only thing I have to look forward to is being alone and listening to music. Also, we are shooting a show for TV tomorrow and I will have to spend a few hours around people that I just can't deal with in this state.
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MikeyC
Official Greeter of Broken Hills

Joined: Wed Jun 14, 2006 5:16 am
Posts: 13854
Location: Australia
PostPosted: Tue Oct 31, 2017 10:36 pm 
 

Sorry to hear you're in such a bad state there, mate. If your psychologist told you that isolation might be the best thing for you, then that's bad advice.

As for your friend, nothing wrong with sex with benefits, but I hope it's not detrimental for you in the long run.

Best of luck, mate.
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AboveTheThrone
Village Idiot

Joined: Mon Nov 30, 2015 11:56 pm
Posts: 689
Location: Cleveland, OH, USA
PostPosted: Tue Nov 14, 2017 6:36 pm 
 

I can definitely relate to the wanting to quit a job. Though, I must say, I've been on Zoloft since June and I'm a lot more chill, overall. It's making my otherwise stressful job bearable. Keep your head up, dude, things will get better.

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schizoid
Metalhead

Joined: Mon Jul 19, 2004 8:35 am
Posts: 1536
Location: New Zealand
PostPosted: Fri Nov 17, 2017 9:36 am 
 

Today I found out my previous partner of around 8 years killed herself. She suffered from incessant voices. I just wish people considering these actions would reach out before making such decisions.
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OneSizeFitzpatrick
Metalhead

Joined: Thu Nov 03, 2011 4:56 pm
Posts: 1277
Location: Bog of eternal stench
PostPosted: Mon Nov 27, 2017 2:01 am 
 

I've always dealt with mild anxiety in periods throughout my life, but over the last year I've been getting panic attacks at seemingly random times for essentially no reason. Dunno if that's normal for people in their mid 20's to just develop or not. Maybe it's just a culmination of all the things I've messed up coming to surface. I'm starting to feel a dependence on alcohol, and I'm becoming increasingly more isolated.

I've run out of people to talk to, and those that I do, I don't normally just bring up how i'm "feeling". I don't feel like what I'm going through is anywhere near as bad as the stuff everyone else here has written about. I don't wanna clog up some therapist's time with my problems if there's some vet that seriously could use mental help, and I'm just spending a half hour talking about how I lack the confidence to ask someone out or the willpower to cut back on drinking or just find a job I can support myself on. I don't even really feel depressed despite how bad my life's been going, dunno if that's the soothing effects of booze or just a passive indifference.
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TheWaltzer
Metalhead

Joined: Fri Feb 16, 2007 11:07 am
Posts: 651
Location: Slowfuck Republic
PostPosted: Mon Nov 27, 2017 3:09 am 
 

OneSizeFitzpatrick wrote:
I've always dealt with mild anxiety in periods throughout my life, but over the last year I've been getting panic attacks at seemingly random times for essentially no reason. Dunno if that's normal for people in their mid 20's to just develop or not. Maybe it's just a culmination of all the things I've messed up coming to surface. I'm starting to feel a dependence on alcohol, and I'm becoming increasingly more isolated.

I've run out of people to talk to, and those that I do, I don't normally just bring up how i'm "feeling". I don't feel like what I'm going through is anywhere near as bad as the stuff everyone else here has written about. I don't wanna clog up some therapist's time with my problems if there's some vet that seriously could use mental help, and I'm just spending a half hour talking about how I lack the confidence to ask someone out or the willpower to cut back on drinking or just find a job I can support myself on. I don't even really feel depressed despite how bad my life's been going, dunno if that's the soothing effects of booze or just a passive indifference.


My depression episodes always felt like they happened for no reason, and I think age has very little to do with the fact that it's happening. From my experience, temporarily quitting and now drastically cutting down alcohol REALLY helped. I found that most of the time spent drinking, I hung out with people I didn't really want to hang out with, doing things I didn't care much for. Essentially, wasting time. Though alcohol also lessens the pressure sometimes... cutting it down was a thing that helped me a lot.

While our issues seem a bit different, I would advocate trying to be as focused and active as you can. Of course, that is not easy. In your case, remaining passive sounds potentially dangerous to me. My therapist always pushes me into that kind of mindset - to do something. Can be a tiny thing, just a thought I should actively keep in mind, but at least I'm doing something. That's also kinda what alcohol can do, it can decrease the effort one puts into, well, solving shit. And a note: You posted here - that itself should be a sign of activity for you, and an effort do do something about your issues. Good start. Anyways, good luck.
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Ilwhyan
Metel fraek

Joined: Sat Sep 29, 2007 1:41 pm
Posts: 7834
Location: Lifeless shadows
PostPosted: Mon Nov 27, 2017 3:35 am 
 

OneSizeFitzpatrick wrote:
I've always dealt with mild anxiety in periods throughout my life, but over the last year I've been getting panic attacks at seemingly random times for essentially no reason. Dunno if that's normal for people in their mid 20's to just develop or not. Maybe it's just a culmination of all the things I've messed up coming to surface. I'm starting to feel a dependence on alcohol, and I'm becoming increasingly more isolated.

I've run out of people to talk to, and those that I do, I don't normally just bring up how i'm "feeling". I don't feel like what I'm going through is anywhere near as bad as the stuff everyone else here has written about. I don't wanna clog up some therapist's time with my problems if there's some vet that seriously could use mental help, and I'm just spending a half hour talking about how I lack the confidence to ask someone out or the willpower to cut back on drinking or just find a job I can support myself on. I don't even really feel depressed despite how bad my life's been going, dunno if that's the soothing effects of booze or just a passive indifference.

Mid 20s is a common age to develop depression and anxiety disorders, yeah. You should definitely look for professional help before your alcohol use and isolation issues spiral out of control. That misguided altruism is a textbook example of the mindset of a depressed person.

Oh, and depression doesn't necessarily make you feel depressed. More often than not, it makes you feel a sort of empty despondency or complete apathy. I think it might be a defence mechanism; I know people who've been saved from suicide by their own indifference.
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why
Metalhead

Joined: Thu Jul 03, 2008 2:43 pm
Posts: 745
Location: Germany
PostPosted: Mon Nov 27, 2017 4:18 am 
 

OneSizeFitzpatrick wrote:
I've run out of people to talk to, and those that I do, I don't normally just bring up how i'm "feeling".

Why do you put the word feeling in quotes? Do you question the reality or importance of your own perception and/or your own emotions? If you think this through, this can't be a healthy approach for your mental well-being.

OneSizeFitzpatrick wrote:
I don't feel like what I'm going through is anywhere near as bad as the stuff everyone else here has written about.

You don't seem to value yourself on a level that is usually regarded as healthy. You undervalue your problems and, by extension, yourself by literally putting the problems of others above your own here and sweep your own problems under the table.

OneSizeFitzpatrick wrote:
I don't wanna clog up some therapist's time with my problems

You assume here that even people whose actual job ( which they are paid for) it is to help you with your problems, should not help you with your problems, because they have better things to do? That does not sound like a coherent or healthy concept.

OneSizeFitzpatrick wrote:
if there's some vet that seriously could use mental help,

Again, you are putting people that are not you (and have nothing to do with you) above you, so that you have a justification for not seeking help, because your feelings of self worth are presumably so low that you feel you are not even worthy of receiving help. I strongly advise you should do the opposite and seek help.

OneSizeFitzpatrick wrote:
and I'm just spending a half hour talking about how I lack the confidence to ask someone out or the willpower to cut back on drinking or just find a job I can support myself on.

If these are serious issues for you, they are serious issues period.

OneSizeFitzpatrick wrote:
I don't even really feel depressed despite how bad my life's been going, dunno if that's the soothing effects of booze or just a passive indifference.


I am not a doctor or any other kind of professional in the field of psychology, but it seems to me that you are in denial about the state you are in or at least the state you are sliding into, which is only at risk of being accelerated and worsened by the above described obvious lack of self worth. So do me a favor and seek professional help swiftly, because I didn't do that when I was in your place once and it ended in a very dangerous situation.

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OneSizeFitzpatrick
Metalhead

Joined: Thu Nov 03, 2011 4:56 pm
Posts: 1277
Location: Bog of eternal stench
PostPosted: Mon Nov 27, 2017 1:23 pm 
 

thanks fellas. I think my dad still has a therapist he goes to sometimes, might be worth giving him or her a shot.
If it feels good just writing it out online, talking to someone who's job is helping people deal with their problems is probably gonna be beneficial.
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MikeyC
Official Greeter of Broken Hills

Joined: Wed Jun 14, 2006 5:16 am
Posts: 13854
Location: Australia
PostPosted: Mon Nov 27, 2017 9:21 pm 
 

Good luck, OneSizeFitzpatrick. Hopefully you can get out of this abyss you're in.
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Nahsil
Clerical Sturmgeschütz

Joined: Sun Jan 08, 2006 2:06 pm
Posts: 4554
Location: United States
PostPosted: Wed Nov 29, 2017 1:35 am 
 

I'm a therapist, not licensed yet but just finished my clinical practicum, been doing it since January. I can tell you that I've never had a client that I thought "shouldn't be here" or anything like that. People's problems are real to them and that's more important I think than trying to rate them on a spectrum of shittiness. I have heard people say that several times though! I just take note of it as a thing about them, that they may have trouble giving themselves empathy and stuff (probably related to parent/other relationships), and keep going with the therapy.

I've also had tons of therapy myself, really started back when I was 20/21 or so, 27 now and I had a therapy appointment today. It's helped me a ton. I had crazy social anxiety when I was younger and never imagined I could be doing what I'm doing, applied for disability for it in my late teens. My problems definitely aren't as "objectively" bad as some people, but there's been plenty of subjective suffering in my life.
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colin040
Metal freak

Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2007 6:00 pm
Posts: 5524
Location: Netherlands
PostPosted: Sat Dec 09, 2017 2:03 pm 
 

Not sure if it's right to drop here, but my mentor suggested I'd visit the school psychologist as I told her I still can't sleep too well because I'm overthinking stuff in bed. I'll give it a go - it won't cost anything as far as I know, anyway.

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DividerOfShadows
Metal newbie

Joined: Tue Sep 13, 2016 1:58 pm
Posts: 254
Location: Croatia
PostPosted: Sat Dec 09, 2017 5:45 pm 
 

colin040 wrote:
Not sure if it's right to drop here, but my mentor suggested I'd visit the school psychologist as I told her I still can't sleep too well because I'm overthinking stuff in bed. I'll give it a go - it won't cost anything as far as I know, anyway.

That's a good advice she gave you. Overthinking never leads to anything good. At best, you're constantly anxious. At worst, you suffer mental breakdown. There was a period of my life when I was overthinking about everything, like my feelings for people and how strong/weak they were. That shit almost led to me breaking up with my girlfriend which, thank God, didn't happen. Don't feel bad about going to the psychologist, he's there to help you feel better. Hopefully you won't have any trouble with sleeping then mate.
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colin040
Metal freak

Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2007 6:00 pm
Posts: 5524
Location: Netherlands
PostPosted: Sun Dec 10, 2017 3:43 am 
 

The weird thing is how I am able to control my thoughts a lot better during certain days. Reading before bed, doing a breathing exercise and also writing down my worries seem to help quite a bit. It's not just negative thinking to me, though. Even cheerful thoughts can really dominate my mind when I'm trying to fall asleep.

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Unorthodox
Metalhead

Joined: Sun Mar 05, 2006 8:08 pm
Posts: 1322
PostPosted: Sun Dec 24, 2017 11:38 am 
 

DividerOfShadows wrote:
colin040 wrote:
Overthinking never leads to anything good. At best, you're constantly anxious. At worst, you suffer mental breakdown.



If i never overthought, I'd never gotten into STEM. Yeah, there's been anxiety/existential depression along the way, but as the saying goes many weaknesses of people are simply overextensions of their strengths...
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CursedBlackDespair
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Tue Jan 02, 2018 9:09 am
Posts: 13
Location: Singapore
PostPosted: Wed Jan 03, 2018 10:56 pm 
 

I believe i have a curse on me where my face starts to change to become like that of selective people in my life and everybody tells me it is a mental issue however i think it is possible because i used to be a christian so i know that there are spiritual forces out there and that supernatural things can occur. So i believe this curse was given to me by evil spirits in christianity disguising as "god". I also have depression and ocd and it these issues are seriously disabling my life, being tired and depressed all the time. Life is tiring and meaningless to me and i can't enjoy anything. I planned to commit suicide once but my mom just so happened to talk about suicide and she said if i killed myself she would join me too in hell. Yep, my whole family is christian. So i can't do that...

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forestcorpse
Veteran

Joined: Thu Jul 16, 2009 2:06 pm
Posts: 3195
Location: Norway
PostPosted: Sun Jan 07, 2018 7:41 pm 
 

Drenched in existential dread these days, generally tired of life.
No future plans, dreams or anything anymore.

Doesn't help to be a heavy intorvert also.

Meh.

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MikeyC
Official Greeter of Broken Hills

Joined: Wed Jun 14, 2006 5:16 am
Posts: 13854
Location: Australia
PostPosted: Sun Jan 07, 2018 10:03 pm 
 

CursedBlackDespair wrote:
I believe i have a curse on me where my face starts to change to become like that of selective people in my life and everybody tells me it is a mental issue however i think it is possible because i used to be a christian so i know that there are spiritual forces out there and that supernatural things can occur. So i believe this curse was given to me by evil spirits in christianity disguising as "god". I also have depression and ocd and it these issues are seriously disabling my life, being tired and depressed all the time. Life is tiring and meaningless to me and i can't enjoy anything. I planned to commit suicide once but my mom just so happened to talk about suicide and she said if i killed myself she would join me too in hell. Yep, my whole family is christian. So i can't do that...

That doesn't sound good. Can you move out, or stop associating with your family?

forestcorpse wrote:
Drenched in existential dread these days, generally tired of life.
No future plans, dreams or anything anymore.

Doesn't help to be a heavy intorvert also.

Meh.

What bought this on? Any particular incident?
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CursedBlackDespair
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Tue Jan 02, 2018 9:09 am
Posts: 13
Location: Singapore
PostPosted: Mon Jan 08, 2018 8:19 pm 
 

I wish i could but i don't have any money. Im currently serving in the army and earn around $500 per month and i just spend it quick because money means nothing to me but i will start saving so i can move out. Nothing worse than living with a bunch of christians. Also fuck unblack metal

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CursedBlackDespair
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Tue Jan 02, 2018 9:09 am
Posts: 13
Location: Singapore
PostPosted: Tue Jan 09, 2018 12:03 am 
 

Also does anyone know why a thread i started is locked? Is this done by a mod?

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Wilytank
Not a Flying Toy

Joined: Thu Jul 30, 2009 7:21 am
Posts: 5038
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue Jan 09, 2018 4:42 pm 
 

CursedBlackDespair wrote:
Also does anyone know why a thread i started is locked? Is this done by a mod?

I’m not a mod, but your hyper cringeworthy edgelord remarks make you look like an idiot. Only a real jackass who hates the genre would want more murders in black metal. The genre does not need more bad publicity. Please grow up.
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forestcorpse
Veteran

Joined: Thu Jul 16, 2009 2:06 pm
Posts: 3195
Location: Norway
PostPosted: Wed Jan 10, 2018 7:05 pm 
 

MikeyC wrote:
What bought this on? Any particular incident?


Not really, just tired :/

Maybe a fresh start somewhere else would be something, but no idea how to even make that happen.
I got nothing here really.

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PvtNinjer
Veteran

Joined: Tue Apr 29, 2008 12:45 am
Posts: 3807
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Sat Jan 13, 2018 1:57 pm 
 

Ended up going to a crisis centre last month after a worrying episode of suicidal thoughts (more like commands) and very irritable/anxious and high energy/impulsive mood. Had a mental health assessment which was forwarded to my GP and I'm having blood work done/working with the the GP and a therapist as well as waiting for intake with an addictions services for my cocaine addiction. Both the clinician and the therapist have suggested that I may have type 2 bi polar disorder but it's also tough to say because my drug use has kind of muddied the waters. In the meantime I'm in between meds because taking the alst ones was what was suspected to be what triggered the last episode that led me to go to the crisis centre. Mood is extremely low right now, not a lot of energy or drive to do much really. Just trying to get thru and hopefully get on some new meds that properly help with my issues as well as do some CBT training with my therapist and stay sober. Life is pretty lonely when everyone you know drinks and or does drugs and you dont want to anymore. I've been a habitual user of one substance or another since I was in highschool. Starting again from square one after about 9 months of sobriety and being in an amazing relationship last year and then throwing it away to do coke, spending all of my savings and student loans on it, dropping out of university, quitting my job... etc. It's a tough pill to swallow.

All that being said I'm feeling hopeful because this is the first time I've actually been serious about working through my issues instead of just taking an anti depressant and pretending I'm doing something about it.

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stickyshooZ
TO HAVE AND TO HOLD

Joined: Fri Apr 16, 2004 12:29 am
Posts: 4386
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sat Jan 13, 2018 5:25 pm 
 

Well, I knew this would happen eventually.

My uncle passed away back in September, albeit not unexpectedly, and ever since then I've been mostly stone faced about it except for when I went to his memorial service. But even then, I don't think I've fully had my cathartic moment of emotional release. Maybe part of it is that my way of grieving tends to be private and I generally don't like to draw attention to myself when it comes to my emotions. As of late, I've been thinking of him a lot, and even little things just cause me to get very momentarily emotional. It comes in small bits, and previously I think I largely buried it in part because my mind was just preoccupied with other stuff. I'll hear a piece of music that triggers a memory and my eyes well up and my throat gets tight.

I talked to my cousin (his daughter) about this and she is pretty much the same way. Even at the service she rarely betrayed any sign of emotion - maybe more so than me. We're constantly shown in TV and movies how we're "supposed" to grieve: with big emotional outbursts and very demonstrative acts. At times I feel like I'm being watched by others and judged because I don't have these kinds of characteristics, and maybe some people don't fully understand the fact that people grieve differently. Maybe because we've had these kinds of social mores imparted on us ever since we were old enough to understand the concept of death.

I want to reach out to my Aunt, because I know that despite what she may say about being okay, that she is not okay. I mean, if I'm still not okay, how could she be? After all she was married to him for 30 years.
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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
Posts: 9354
Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Tue Mar 13, 2018 7:21 pm 
 

This is bullshit. Profound ignorance.
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Cosmic_Equilibrium
Metal newbie

Joined: Fri Jul 18, 2014 2:03 pm
Posts: 262
PostPosted: Tue Mar 20, 2018 9:30 pm 
 

I feel exhausted with my worries and periodic moments of despondency and I've been this way for a decade now. I don't know how much more stress bearing capacity my mind has left. I have tried strategies which help but I lack the self-discipline to continuously use them and external events keep triggering me all the time. Feeling very worn out and lonely.

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TheConqueror1
With a 120 mm gun!

Joined: Fri Jul 27, 2007 9:05 am
Posts: 605
PostPosted: Sun May 13, 2018 8:37 pm 
 

I have schizoaffective disorder which is a combination of schizophrenia and manic depression. I also am diagnosed with OCD. Sometimes, I have such horrible disturbing thoughts and there is nothing I can do about it. I fucking HATE having mental illnesses. I guess I made this statement concerning the fact that I had a extremely repulsive thought.

The worst period of my life was when I was 24. I attempted suicide twice by swallowing a mouth full of pills. I kept having thoughts about the "book of satan", demons, and just really evil things in nature. The worst image I've ever saw in my life was this vision of a demon. It was terrifying. I also kept thinking that somebody was going to come in my room and decapitate me along with eating my flesh or organs. Like a barbarian or something. Knowing that I went through all of this made me have faith in God. And I can tell you this, I know something about hell and I don't ever want to be in that position again. The main thing that started my psychosis was because I was drinking alcohol. So I absolutely don't drink anymore.

During that time, I ended up going to jail because there was a warrant out for me since I didn't pay a ticket. I must've walked 20 miles into town. A cop who was very nice arrested me and I spent a couple of hours in jail. When I first got in, the inmates, were going crazy. I honestly thought they were going to rape, eat or kill me due to all the voices that were in my head. It was like living in fucking hell. Fortunately, my mom paid my ticket and I got released from jail. The voices would never stop talking, I couldn't go to asleep or get any rest.
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Timeghoul
Metal newbie

Joined: Wed Jul 12, 2017 2:00 pm
Posts: 107
PostPosted: Fri May 18, 2018 6:17 am 
 

Cosmic_Equilibrium wrote:
I feel exhausted with my worries and periodic moments of despondency and I've been this way for a decade now. I don't know how much more stress bearing capacity my mind has left. I have tried strategies which help but I lack the self-discipline to continuously use them and external events keep triggering me all the time. Feeling very worn out and lonely.
I know the feeling. The worst part of it all is being tired all of the time and having no friends because you have destroyed every single relationship. Go to bed tired, wake up tired and just tired all day. No amount of caffeine or walking outside makes it any better. Not even sure if its the meds, the depression, or both. Just really sucks.

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MikeyC
Official Greeter of Broken Hills

Joined: Wed Jun 14, 2006 5:16 am
Posts: 13854
Location: Australia
PostPosted: Wed May 23, 2018 2:24 am 
 

Friendly reminder that it's okay to not be okay in regards to Diamhea. I have had another death to deal with from last night but I will freely admit I am struggling today to come to grips with them both. You can message me if you need someone to chat to.

The futility of life is nothing to ignore sometimes....
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PvtNinjer
Veteran

Joined: Tue Apr 29, 2008 12:45 am
Posts: 3807
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Wed May 23, 2018 2:16 pm 
 

Crazy shit man. Always sad to see someone go so young. He was always helpful to us needing help especially when it comes to the subject of substances.

I attended my first cocaine anonymous meeting last night and felt pretty renewed afterwards. After struggling to stay off of it for the past 4-5 years, with periods of sobriety (6 months is my record) and literally spending all my rent money on it recently, and not really knowing what else to do other than just kill myself after letting it ruin relationships, schooling, and basically anything good in my life (spending upwards of 5 grand of student aid on it, selling all my guitar stuff, etc). Really hoping this sticks. Gonna try and do 90 meetings in 90 days. See if that helps.

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TheConqueror1
With a 120 mm gun!

Joined: Fri Jul 27, 2007 9:05 am
Posts: 605
PostPosted: Thu May 24, 2018 8:21 pm 
 

How did Diamhea pass? I really didn't know him at all but it's sad that he died

R.I.P.
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Timeghoul
Metal newbie

Joined: Wed Jul 12, 2017 2:00 pm
Posts: 107
PostPosted: Thu Jun 28, 2018 6:14 am 
 

PvtNinjer wrote:
Crazy shit man. Always sad to see someone go so young. He was always helpful to us needing help especially when it comes to the subject of substances.

I attended my first cocaine anonymous meeting last night and felt pretty renewed afterwards. After struggling to stay off of it for the past 4-5 years, with periods of sobriety (6 months is my record) and literally spending all my rent money on it recently, and not really knowing what else to do other than just kill myself after letting it ruin relationships, schooling, and basically anything good in my life (spending upwards of 5 grand of student aid on it, selling all my guitar stuff, etc). Really hoping this sticks. Gonna try and do 90 meetings in 90 days. See if that helps.
PvtNinjer, how did it go? Were you able to make it to 30 days? No judgements. Just wondering how you are doing?

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Necroticism174
Kite String Popper

Joined: Mon Mar 30, 2009 6:46 pm
Posts: 5224
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Fri Jun 29, 2018 4:17 am 
 

Honestly been feeling incredibly weighed down with anxiety, excessive worry, and depression these past few months. The cumulative lack of sleep is aggravating whatever mysterious ailment has been haunting me these past few years (old doc said it was fibromyalgia, I remain dubious). Many of my relationships are falling apart and I feel my spouse is probably getting grinded down by it as well. As mental health treatment and research over here is just as much of a crappy labyrinth as the rest of our health care, I'm feeling hopeless.

Have any of you had any experience with rtms (repetitive transcranial stimulation)? If so, did it help at all?
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Hemispheres
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Feb 20, 2007 7:26 pm
Posts: 478
Location: United States of America
PostPosted: Fri Jun 29, 2018 2:59 pm 
 

TheConqueror1 wrote:
I have schizoaffective disorder which is a combination of schizophrenia and manic depression. I also am diagnosed with OCD. Sometimes, I have such horrible disturbing thoughts and there is nothing I can do about it. I fucking HATE having mental illnesses. I guess I made this statement concerning the fact that I had a extremely repulsive thought.

The worst period of my life was when I was 24. I attempted suicide twice by swallowing a mouth full of pills. I kept having thoughts about the "book of satan", demons, and just really evil things in nature. The worst image I've ever saw in my life was this vision of a demon. It was terrifying. I also kept thinking that somebody was going to come in my room and decapitate me along with eating my flesh or organs. Like a barbarian or something. Knowing that I went through all of this made me have faith in God. And I can tell you this, I know something about hell and I don't ever want to be in that position again. The main thing that started my psychosis was because I was drinking alcohol. So I absolutely don't drink anymore.

During that time, I ended up going to jail because there was a warrant out for me since I didn't pay a ticket. I must've walked 20 miles into town. A cop who was very nice arrested me and I spent a couple of hours in jail. When I first got in, the inmates, were going crazy. I honestly thought they were going to rape, eat or kill me due to all the voices that were in my head. It was like living in fucking hell. Fortunately, my mom paid my ticket and I got released from jail. The voices would never stop talking, I couldn't go to asleep or get any rest.


Hope you get better and stay positive man I have schizo-affective disorder too. It comes in the way of my enjoying life and music and identifying with anything. I have social acceptance issues though the past 8 years I've been fine in social situations. Most of the time I don't talk much because this disorder affects my comprehension which really sucks. I'm on disability. I have OCD in terms of thinking and analyzing too much to the point where I think myself out of reality. And I'm already mentally split from reality. Quite fucking literally. When I go off my meds. I start thinking that God is "throwing all this shit" at me and testing me. I start thinking it's a "training ground" for me being a Messiah. I start feeling real euphoric then it strongly turns into paranoia. When I start getting real paranoid I don't think I'm a messiah anymore...I start believing I'm THE anti-christ. I don't believe in Satan and the end time rapture or any end time prophecy so it gets real profound and intense when I start believing all this evil spiritual stuff. I ain't judging you though if you believe in any of that stuff. I'm a believer...I lean more towards Preterism and universalism. Christ's death covers our sins and his return was spiritual in the form of the Roman armies invading Israel as a final judgement on the Old Law of Moses (religion) in AD 70. I believe the book of Revelation was all about that. Whatever I'm not going to start a religious debate. I've grown over the years and for a period used to be a whiny self righteous twat on here when one of the Mods called me on it in private message. I have since changed my ways for I didn't like being that way either. Anyway...I had my onset of schizo-affective disorder when I was 16 and 1/2. I encourage you to seek your cocktail of medication because for me medication has helped me tremendously. It sucked at first because for a year and a half I didn't have the right cocktail (and the meds. suppressed my anxiety giving me a side effect called 'Akithisia' which I only have 10% of now) but now I do for the most part. I hate paranoid delusions...they're the worst. I've had anxiety/panic attacks and psychosis' on marijuana. All my friends loved Peyote mushrooms but I never took them because when you have schizo-affective...Jesus Christ can that be bad news when you're tripping let alone LSD.

Anyway, I choose to keep striving and best of luck to you and anyone dealing with mental illness. That truth needs to get out there...especially having firm background checks on those wanting a firearm license. Getting sleep, eating right and having a routine is key too. Sometimes I get bored and don't want to do it but it helps. Especially sleep.
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PvtNinjer
Veteran

Joined: Tue Apr 29, 2008 12:45 am
Posts: 3807
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Sun Jul 01, 2018 5:16 pm 
 

Timeghoul wrote:
PvtNinjer wrote:
Crazy shit man. Always sad to see someone go so young. He was always helpful to us needing help especially when it comes to the subject of substances.

I attended my first cocaine anonymous meeting last night and felt pretty renewed afterwards. After struggling to stay off of it for the past 4-5 years, with periods of sobriety (6 months is my record) and literally spending all my rent money on it recently, and not really knowing what else to do other than just kill myself after letting it ruin relationships, schooling, and basically anything good in my life (spending upwards of 5 grand of student aid on it, selling all my guitar stuff, etc). Really hoping this sticks. Gonna try and do 90 meetings in 90 days. See if that helps.
PvtNinjer, how did it go? Were you able to make it to 30 days? No judgements. Just wondering how you are doing?


I'm 41 days sober. I have been smoking weed here and there but I haven't had a drink or done coke for just over a month. Honestly the drugs are hardly the hardest part, it's coming to grips with a life devoid of any meaning and purpose other than doing drugs, feeling more alone than ever, emotional as fuck, some days happy as can be and the next crying for hours about ex girlfriends and wasted life :lol:. I feel like an alien a lot of the time, totally disconnected from others, even at meetings. I feel lost, alone, I don't really know how to have fun or enjoy life without substances, so all I really do is go to work, go to meetings and go to the gym. Just trying to take it one day at a time and not worry too much about figuring my life out, even though I wanna just snap my fingers and have all the good shit I once had. I lack any sort of sense of self, so it's all very scary and confusing but I'm hopefully figuring it out. I have to admit though, it's really hard.

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MikeyC
Official Greeter of Broken Hills

Joined: Wed Jun 14, 2006 5:16 am
Posts: 13854
Location: Australia
PostPosted: Mon Jul 02, 2018 3:26 am 
 

PvtNinjer wrote:
I'm 41 days sober. I have been smoking weed here and there but I haven't had a drink or done coke for just over a month. Honestly the drugs are hardly the hardest part, it's coming to grips with a life devoid of any meaning and purpose other than doing drugs, feeling more alone than ever, emotional as fuck, some days happy as can be and the next crying for hours about ex girlfriends and wasted life :lol:. I feel like an alien a lot of the time, totally disconnected from others, even at meetings. I feel lost, alone, I don't really know how to have fun or enjoy life without substances, so all I really do is go to work, go to meetings and go to the gym. Just trying to take it one day at a time and not worry too much about figuring my life out, even though I wanna just snap my fingers and have all the good shit I once had. I lack any sort of sense of self, so it's all very scary and confusing but I'm hopefully figuring it out. I have to admit though, it's really hard.

Man, that really sucks to hear. I hope you get to find some meaning to your life soon. I know life can be a real kick to the balls but fingers crossed you find a path that makes you happy and fulfilled.
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