I still find it quite amazing how vitally important the "big 3" of health is: diet, exercise, sleep. Keep at it, mate, and hopefully you continue to improve. I can't see why the next 10 years won't be better now that you're on this upward trajectory.


Whoa, seriously? Maybe I was lucky or maybe it's different in Australia, but I was able to see a psychologist immediately. I had to do the legwork of calling places, but I found a woman within two phone calls. That really sucks, man, especially if you're desperate.

I don't know, and I do not care, if I am mentally ill. I have seen a psychologist once because of a fear of germs, he want very helpful at all. That the only mental story I can share.

Exercise does help. Or at least having your body do something that makes you feel good. Exercise usually does that even though some people shudder at the thought of having to exercise. It releases endorphins and can help with neuroplasticity (re-organize your brain structure). Your mood can change due to activity in your motor cortex.

That's why at my work we have patients do written assignments, bounce a ball, go to the gym, and do more than just talk to them about their problems. They have to do more than just sit there and listen to reason in order to get better.

I remember my psych teacher had a phrase that said "Take your body there and your mind will follow"

This is true for some of the more severe issues to just having a goal like losing weight or writing a book. Odds are if you start running or whatever, you won't see it as that bad and can continue with your goal. Even if you don't feel like doing something, just start doing it and most of the time you won't see it as being that bad.

I mean, we instinctively pace when we're upset, pissed off, are feeling bad, or need to think clearly. That should tell you right there that your body's movements are heavily involved with how your brain operates.

I reckon when people think of "exercise," they think of running or lifting hundreds of pounds and military-style workouts. In reality, a simple walk in fresh air can do the world of good for the mind and the body.

The problem is that when you're clinically depressed going for a simple walk can sometimes feel like the equivalent of climbing mount Everest.

Absolutely right. Endorphines man. During my my martial arts training (8+ hours a week for 6 years, I teach Iwama style Aikido) I did not experience a SINGLE episode. The training methodology is a logical progression where the only time you really break a sweat is when it's either unbearably hot or you are doing intense applied technique.

The solution has four legs and goes woof.

A cat. Definitely get a cat.

It makes it alot easier if you listen to music while walking. I started doing a quick five minute walk around the block when I felt fustrated or sad. I started enjoying it so i gradually increased the distance, now I go for an hour a day sometimes more, its my go to activity when I feel upset.

No argument here - I know that when I was in my abyss, simply standing up was a feat. I read about a trick that sometimes works for me: if there's some boring/difficult/any bad task that needs to be done, give yourself 15 minutes of time to do it. If after the 15 minutes of enduring the task, you are still not keen, stop. The idea is that by that point you are invested and want to continue. It could theoretically work in this situation.

I used to notice a funny thing with my depression, however: I wanted to be sad. It was like a heavy blanket that I wanted to get under, and I absorbed it and allowed it to wash over me. I made no attempt to help myself out of it because it was comforting, in a way. Anybody else feel that way?

You're on a metal forum - I think anyone that listens to doom, gothic metal or DSBM feels that way. I wouldn't necessarily associate it with depression though. I've had that feeling for most of my life, mostly around other people. At parties for example, I used to see it as foolish to be having fun while there was so much suffering in the world, while at the same time slightly envying these people and their ability to cut free from that mindset and just party. The blanket of melancholy was something to retreat into in an unfamiliar or unsympathetic situation. Is that an illness? I'm not sure.

Maybe you just have depresive tendencies... I have them too and I don't see anything wrong with it. There's a certain beauty in sadnes, a certain adiction to that cold shiver when you get dissapoinet at something or with someone, and I really love sad music, sad stories and so on. As I see it, is only troublesome when it comes along with anxiety or helplesness, but at least for me it is refreshing when I find out that something that use to bring me down, doesn´t weight as before, you get to feel stronger and mature. Maybe is a way to learn we are growing up, it doesn't matter if we like it or not.
Actully breaking habits and doing new stuff helps a lot

That's really interesting. I can understand this mindset, actually. Do you still feel this way, or has that dissipated now?


I definitely had depression (have? I don't think I'll ever be "cured"), but that was more of a side-effect of it. I was happier being sad. Looking back on those black times, however, makes me realise how unhappy I truly was.

I agree about the addiction to disappointment. It's almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy - you expect to be disappointed by things, and when you inevitably are because of your depression, it's a confirmation of what you already envisioned.

I finally started going to the gym by bicycle. Going to the gym in the first place was a major step forward, but now doing it by bike, I feel great. Also started last week going to my mindfulness group by bicycle. (Learned about the concept of mindfulness in inpatient therapy last spring.) Not only is the exercise great for depression, going those distances in the open is great for panic disorder. I feel progress on all ends. The gym itself is a bit of therapy, too, I'm pretty anxious doing sporty stuff in front of people due to sucking at it at school, but now I just do and will get over it. Of course getting a fucking therapist would help put everything in perspective, but for now I'm good doing my own therapy.

How do you guys react mentally to lifting weights in comparison with cardio? My impression generally is that running helps a lot with getting anxiety levels down and sleeping well, while lifting really doesn't do the trick.

Lifting helps more with my confidence than anything, as you will look more conventionally attractive with even just a little bit of muscle on your frame. Getting stronger also helped me feel a bit more "manly" and capable, which has helped me form a more positive self image. Hitting new PRs in the main lifts is always exhilarating. As far as an actual mental effect, though? Running definitely has a more immediate effect, especially if you push yourself into uncomfortable territory. I always feel way better after a run, where as lifting doesn't seem to really have that sort of effect on me.

For 3 years I was in College (2011 - 2014) and the year before I started I think I was clinically depressed without fully realising it. The NHS test I took towards the end of my third year said I had 'moderate to severe depression' which seemed about right. It's only this last year I've realised how bad my psychological problems really were; nowadays I'll get low maybe once or twice a week and feel OK most of the time, occasionally experiencing brief moments of happiness. This is how I assume most regular, non-depressed people function.

During the 4 years I was depressed I felt extremely miserable every second of every day and was incapable of feeling positive about anything. Looking back, a lot of the things I spent my time dwelling on were really unhealthy and not thoughts most people would have. Like other people have pointed out, taking small steps is crucial, but often feels impossible when the world is on your shoulders crushing you. When I started working full time rather than part time, I had less time to be introspective and gloomy about the state of my life and the state of the world. A long walk might help some people (releasing endorphins and improving health & fitness isn't going to hurt) but for me, at this stage in my life, focusing on happier things seems more sensible than depressive realism, and during long walks I end up thinking too deeply and honestly about life.

Never saw a psych, but I'm fairly certain I have some combination of avoidant/schizoid personality disorder. I dread having to communicate with people in just about any circumstance... whether it be taking my car in for a tune-up, scheduling doctor/dentist/optometrist appointments, communicating with people outside of written/electronic interactions, or just socializing with people in general that aren't family or very close friends. I'd say my mindset lies closer to SPD than APD, but I do happen to feel very anxious, STRONGLY inhibited, and perceive feelings of inferiority/jealousy toward most acquaintances/strangers I come in contact with (despite being able to mentally rationalize that my feelings are completely misguided).

Despite being an apathetic loner, I wouldn't say I'm very prone to depression (though I did suffer a pretty bad bout of that for a few years while serving in the US Navy). I'm a functional person who happens to lack enthusiasm for most things and seeks to be alone 99% of the time.

That sounds like regular SAD.

Lifting can still make you feel good, since it's still exercise, but if you're lacking energy or motivation, it's going to be hard to do anaerobic exercise of any kind. In that case, it's easier to walk or do aerobic things. Both have benefits, but cardio probably has more instant benefits. That's my experience, anyway.


Yeah, a lot of the things I would think about and fantasise (e.g. suicide) were not healthy, either. Are you completely out of that period now?


You too? I'm getting better at this, but I still get it from time to time. I think the key here is confidence in yourself. If you can tell yourself that you are the same person as the next guy, and be content with your emotions and actions, that will go a long way to stopping those inferiority feelings. Easier said than done, of course, but it can be achieved.

The strange part is that I perform better in terms of progress when I lift, compared to running. My sleep patterns, however, turned to shit after I switched from running four-five times per week to lifting four-five times per week. Might be swedish 24/7 darkness playing a trick too, though.

I have wondered whether doing lots of cardio at any phase in your life isn't far away from drug (endorphin) addiction. You look at those runners who do 10k every morning and some of them come across as junkies by their appearance - pale, unhealthily thin and wiry. When I used to run long distance I couldn't go without it for 2 days because I craved the high the endorphins gave me. That can't be healthy.

It's an interesting point/theory. I have a few friends that are definitely pushing it in that direction. Better than doing drugs, but surely not a healthy life style in the long run running like 60-70 km every week. The feeling I got (running max 10 km*4 per week) was mostly that the exhaustion took the edge of my anxiety. But the appearance part is definitely why I lift rather than run, despite the mental part: I don't wanna turn into flesh and bone.

I think this thread really need my post, it's a long story, so don't bother if you don't want to help:

I always were sad and lonely since child. Never had friends or went to parties, mostly because I was(and still I am) shy and rarely someone invited me. And it only got worse as the years passed, and the fact that I was bullied by a classmate when I were 10 didn't helped too. The pinnacle for me was when I managed to pass to a highly acclaimed vocational high school(is it true that people with social anxiety are more smart?).

I started to sweat, tremble, and my heart was beating fast at every class. Googled it, and found social anxiety. The psychiatric confirmed it, then depression started. 20mg paroxetine and 1mg clonazepam, later increased to 3x2mg clonazepam(high dosage, the only way to reduce anxiety a little bit). Unfortunately I found that drinking solved my problem, and why not some smoke too?

Needless to say I was going awful in school, and found that I would repeat the year. What to do? Depression came harder, and 2l of rum + 20mg clonazepam was the answer for me(suicide, failed), internment for my family.

The weeks at the clinic weren't that bad. The food was good and there were some cool people there that I managed to talk. I tried lots of medications, all failed, stayed with former mentioned. Another year, another torture in school. Didn't managed to do. Year wasted, goodbye academic future.

New year, new school. Things started bad, but quickly I made a group of friends, some goth chicks and a mallcore guy that introduced me to "metal". Things were going ok, but depression is a bitch, appeared out of nowhere. Unfortunately one of those goth girls insisted to be my girlfriend and to cut my wrists(I must admit that doing it really relieve the mental pain, but is something that I regret tremendously). Depression were going worst and worst, and then again the suicide combo: alcohol, medication overdose, cutted wrists. Almost went on coma. Same mental clinic once again, but I had my metal arsenal in my cellphone so the weeks went flying. At least I get approved that year... then another year of torture passed, high school finished.

Let's start college, shall we? Ok. Did I managed to get approved? 1st period yes, 2nd no. Not because I'm not smart, in fact I am, it's the anxiety that makes me miss the classes and group work. Also the fact that I stopped taking meds at the 2nd period thinking that I was "cured" didn't helped. Year wasted.

This year I restarted college, a new one(IT). Stopped meds and almost everything is fine regarding anxiety. I still don't have friends, but I don't care much(maybe I'm listening too much black metal? haha). But earlier this year was something started bothering me, always bothered, but much more now. I never liked my body, and started to hate it with puberty. I hate having body hair and beard. I also never were a manly man. Always liked to wear my sister's clothes and make up when child. I also always questioned myself years ago, but a few months ago I decided definitely that I'm bissexual. So I googled a lot, solved the puzzle and found that I'm also a transexual. Some says that it is a mental disease, others don't, but I'm with the former.

I get extremely depressive like never before when I discovered it. Not because of the simple fact of it, but because my mother would be devastated with the news. She's very religious and also the fact that my sister is gay doesn't help either. Also the transition(hormones, facial surgery,etc..) is very expensive and I'm still studying and have no job, and my family won't help too. As soon as my transition start the better to look more "passable" as a girl, but I can only see this happening in a very distant future.

Since my family perceived my depression, and I was avoiding to tell them whats going on, they threatened me to send me back to the clinic. So I told them a few months ago. The reaction, specially from my mother was predictable. She don't understand it at all. She kinda stopped talking to me for a few weeks, but now avoid everytime I mention anything related to my problem. At least I can talk to my sister...

Right now I'm back with the meds(without them I woudn't even think to write this or post anywhere else on MA, yeah anxiety sucks) and still depressed, and will go to psychologist next week, something that I should have done years ago, to know if I'm really a transexual and if social anxiety is concomitant to transexualism(I have a feeling that yes, at least in my case)?

I'd like to know if anyone that read my story knows how well received is a transexual in a metal concert and by metalheads in general.

It's not really a "how well do metal heads accept a transsexual", but more of a "how easy is it to find decent metal heads in your communities who aren't bigoted fuckwits".

Granted, I didn't read the whole post. Just the beginning and the last two sentences. Been drinking.

Mate...forget metalheads. You have a bigger issue with your immediate family. I think it's extremely brave of you to come out as a transexual, even though you knew your mother's reaction would be bad. It's obviously something that has been bothering you for years and you had to accept it. That's fantastic. If your sister is being supportive, you definitely should talk to her whenever you want to about it. Her being gay will help her to understand it, unlike your mother, who I hope will come around to the idea, despite her religious views.

You sound like you've been through Hell, mate. That gothic girlfriend of yours seemed like bad news, and I'm glad you didn't end up dying because of her crazy rituals of cutting your wrists.

But, to answer your question, I would like to hope that metalheads are an accepting, inclusive lot, but there will be many asses out there.

I kind of know what you mean. It feels comfortingly familiar sometimes, I guess-- I've had a problem with that in the past but now that I'm conscious of it I'm trying to change the behavioural patterns that lead me to take comfort in self-destructive and depressive moods.



I can sympathise with where you're at right now, being transgender myself and dealing with family. As regards your last question: the metal scene is like any other social setting, in that there will always be some decent people and there will always be some bigoted assholes, just like society at large. The more important thing, I think, is your family; it's great that your sister is willing to listen, at least, and will hopefully support you in the days to come. The importance of having somebody close to you who can support you and back you up when it comes to coming out to your family just can't be overstated.

Yeah she was a real problem. I almost end up in jail because of her drug addiction. And no one deserves to listen Nightwish everytime you go to so someone's house.

Funny thing is that I would broke up with her after I leave the clinic, but she simply moved away and found a girlfriend even though she promised that would stay with me after my imprisonment. Fuck that girl.

My sister was the first one to know about it. She's being supportive and helped me to throw the bomb to my mother. I think that if I told it without her presence my mother would literally kick me out of the house. But things are ok with my family, the real problem is the wait to get a better financial situation for transition, it is slowly killing me.

Sounds like you've had a super rough time with things but hopefully things will pick up soon. Sounds like talking more to your sister would be a really good idea, but I would honestly also recommend seeking out more trans people near you. I reckon it will be people from pretty diverse backgrounds but just hearing how other people dealt with coming out and their own families' reactions could be really valuable information and support as well.

Nightwish quote sure lighted up the darkest thread on the forum

Poor Nightwish.

She sounded like really bad news and it's a good thing she moved away. You don't have to even pretend to care anymore.

Your sister, on the other hand, is a champion. Siblings like that are hard to find. Best of luck to you!

I'd like to give some marthafarkin respect to all the brave people who are speaking up on this thread.

I'm clearly exactly who I am here. Considered a "hard drug user", but actually just someone with mental illness who is also an activist, an occultist, a martial artist and a metalhead. I think I'm a fairly typical one too.

Anyone who suffers "invisible illnesses" and who speak about them openly in the way many of you have are truely diamonds (daemons?) in the rough. I applaud the MA community, and may all those here be Stronger Than Hate in the New Year.

Anyone else here suffer from marijuana ADDICTION? I started smoking when I was in my early adolescence under the assumption that it wasn't addictive, and here I am 11 years later finding myself unable to leave it despite what I tell myself. I've overcome extreme obesity, quit cigarettes, and can control my drinking (for the most part), never got hooked to any hard substances, but I can't stop smoking weed for the life of me. It has gotten to the point where I crave the wake and bake in the last hour or so of my sleep. I am also susceptible to breaking out in night sweats when I don't go to sleep high, especially after going through a few weeks of smoking BHO. I tell myself every day that in order for me to bring my life in the direction I want it to go, I need to stop smoking. Yet I just can't seem to put the bong down. The fucked up part is I work at a drug rehab, and the NA/AA exposure is enlightening, but doesn't do much for me in terms of motivation to stop. I also feel like it is the true root of my anxiety/depression due to not learning any other social skills besides "we should burn sometime" or "lets get fucked up" among many other issues that stem from that.

I certainly do envision a life without weed somewhere down the road, but right now it feels like I'm going down a tunnel with no end.

Weed is something that, well... if I have it around, I smoke it 2-3 times a day. But if I'm out of it, I don't go searching for it, and I'd never in a million years actually pay money for it. Far better substances to get high on out there. I can't say that I get "withdrawal" from it myself, and trust me I know what withdrawal is.


Maybe try tapering your use? That's usually a good starting point..

You're right, but that has been my strategy since I first started to "try and quit". I can't taper the usage because somewhere down the line it just comes back tenfold. I've been trying to only do the smoking before bed thing, but for whatever reason that shit ends a week later at the very most. My most successful attempt to quit was in the summer where I told myself I wouldn't smoke on the weekdays, and limit myself to once a day on the weekends. I didn't smoke for 5 days straight, but after the weekend I was back to the wake and bake and being high all day.

Which gives me reason to believe that I just need to fully stop all smoking. The "withdrawal" is only psychological aside from the sweating, but that shit is starting to take a toll. I consider myself relatively successful (work two jobs, have a college degree, aspiring powerlifter), but I feel so mediocre at everything when I know I have the potential to be great. The weed keeps me in a prison of lethargy/apathy and makes me content with the position I'm in, even if the sober guy in me knows I could be doing so much more.

DeathcoreDecimator, you should probably just seek out a personal therapist. NA/AA isn't going to work by simple proximity. I'm not really a fan of their program, but I am into the group talk aspect of it. People shouldn't feel alone on top of being in pain. But you're going to have to delve into the issues themselves and commit to the process. You don't need to start with abstinence. Better to start with therapy.

DeathcoreDecimator: It sounds like you've done a lot to quit, and you haven't been successful. I agree with Grave_Wurm that reaching out to someone might be your best option right now - someone professional.

It sounds like you've gone through many tough things in life and solved many difficult personal problems, so I'm sure you know what's going on with you. You seem very unhappy about your weed use, so I'd suggest you seek help in cutting back or quitting altogether. It's a ridiculous myth that one can't get addicted to weed. If people can get addicted to gambling, gaming, eating and pretty much fucking anything, it makes perfect sense that weed would also be addictive to some. It was to me, before it - contrary to your experience - made me quite uncomfortable about the life I was leading, and somewhat prompted me to do better.

You said that weed makes you lethargic and comfortable with your situation, even though you aspire to become greater. You didn't really say if you were genuinely, honestly unhappy with your life in terms of what you are and have achieved, though. Have you contemplated on that? Would achieving more things make you genuinely happier, or maybe you even smoke because you don't have the strength to do more, and desperately need that relaxation? That's worth thinking about, because I find that it's in our culture to assess the worth of a person based on their achievements, sooner than placing an equal, inherent value to every living person, which is harsh.

Well said. Also keep in mind that weed tends to make you more anxious at times when you're not high. So while it makes you apathetic when high it may also cause you to have worries about your life that wouldn't have otherwise come about without the drug. If you want to know how you really feel the only way is to go without it for a couple of weeks, without replacing it with anything except natural remedies like exercise and meditation.

Now that you say that, I think I'm more dissatisfied with the fact that I spent my entire life busting my ass and fulfilling my parent's wishes of going to college and getting good grades, only to be placed back in their home with crippling debt. The weed just helps me cope with how much I have to work in order to pay that debt. I have always smoked to manage my issues but now that I've been out of school for more than a year now I feel like I'm doing it more than ever.

The only times I've been capable of quitting for weeks on end is when I'm forced to. There have been two specific events since I started smoking that allowed me to do this, probation and Americorps work. A PT definitely seems like my best option at this point.

Have you talked to your parents about this? Sounds like you're living through their eyes, not your own.