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Osore
Metalhead

Joined: Thu Apr 10, 2014 9:55 am
Posts: 597
Location: Serbia
PostPosted: Thu Aug 20, 2020 8:36 am 
 

Ezadara wrote:
Osore wrote:
You seem to have a connection to the sea, which is the very opposite from myself.

I'm surprised you noticed that so quickly but it's true haha. The other day out of curiosity I tallied up the words that cropped up most frequently in my poems and the word 'sea' appeared 23 times in 23 poems (other frequent flyers were 'sun' at 27 and 'sing/song' at 26). I'd say it's my weak point when it comes to writing poetry-- a tendency to return to the same symbols/motifs time and time again.

I know we all try not to repeat ourselves too much, but it is our exclusive right to have obsessive/repeating signs and symbols. :-P Like it was mentioned here, Georg Trakl had signature words, which doesn't deteriorate the quality. In fact, all of his poems share the same atmosphere and motifs, and it's encouraging for the writers who think they should work on another La Comédie humaine to take a step back and focus.

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gasmask_colostomy
Metalhead

Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 5:38 am
Posts: 1648
Location: China
PostPosted: Thu Aug 20, 2020 9:01 am 
 

Osore wrote:
^ I feel honoured and can now die in peace knowing that I inspired a poem with such a natural flow and clever thought that could be stretched to the metaphysical heights of linking fear to passive pleasure.

But wait, as I lay dying, I must endure to make a decent translation:

Spoiler: show
Lost – Searched for

White. Neon clear, exhibitly and spinsterly, they scream in mute – two boring parallels posing to the sickening light. The smell of a dentist, someone will think.
Red. Inherits the chirp and follows the twitching of easily beheaded dirigibles in lightning. Devamps every potion spilled on empty canvas. Whispers in nightmare and bursts with laughter in tears dry as scabs revealed from a torn bandage.
Green. Records a walk on needles, every spasm that suppresses the escape by immersing the notes in cadaverous cough of the wheeled. Rots, uninvited and unsung, giving birth to an invasion of stink bugs in still life discerned on the face of a scholar.
Black. Sulphur in a chapel. Shitty candle in a cage with entrails. Always emergency – on a list of calls.
Colourful. Rotations and sirens of a suicide alarm clock. Unnoticed uproars and stirs embedded in centrifugal states. A self-reproachful whip, teeth sank into bones where the draft sobs. And for sure, an open wound freshly salted with worms.
Carrion, that jewel in the house of horrors, has been invited to dinner.

Excuse all the mess...

As per usual, I'm on the English version. Love that listing of colours and the switch to another keyword at the end, you can tell the poem is winding up some kind of surprise. It's actually kind of monochrome in effect though, very consistent use of grotesque religious and medical imagery to build up the gothic unease. Not as hermetic as some of your previous ones either I think, because I could just read through and follow the images, a bit like some of DividerOfShadows' stuff. Just, obviously, like gluttony for a miserable vampire.

simonitro wrote:
Yume
Spoiler: show
Into the blue slumber
Entering the water of freedom
Just the heart of thine
My love for your wisdom
It's just passion

Drowning as I breathe
The adoration inside
Waters show no harm
I'll be by your side
For this is who I am

Life is an illusion
But you are the one I seek
The vision of reality
Come, my freedom of the heart
Let me swim with thee
Passion becomes so real
I WANT TO BELIEVE

Hand in hand
Love in love
Forever, we shall break the chains

Soul to soul
Heart to heart
Forever, our blood shall retain

RETAIN TO THEE

Let me sleep
And wake in thee
Insomnia is love
When I am awake
And you are in my reality

SCREAM FOR LOVE

(Guitar Solo 1)

Drop me in the oceans
To the depth of emotions
Into the coral reefs
I sail to thee

In my mind
In my soul
This is where I want to go
To the bottom where I see you again

A child could see
As close the eyes
Forever free
To the bottom skies

Let me fly below
Into thin Atlantis
The water flows
For the heart to miss

Hand in hand
Soul to soul
In this slumber
Thine precious
I SHALL ALWAYS ADORE
IN MY SLEEP

(Guitar Solo 2)

I can release myself
Open my heart
And turn to thee
Like the waters
Turn to the ocean
When I sleep
I see you again

Mermaid of spirit
Take me away
To a new heaven
Away from this Earth
And I'll give you love
Thou give me yours
And let me drown...

...IN YOUR LOVE
FOREVER
-------------------------------------------

I've got to say, I didn't like this much at first but the water motifs have grown on me. As I think Osore said before, it's awkward that you write them as lyrics here (I think he mentioned that poems don't usually have guitar solos) but you've built up a strong picture with short lines and not too much repetition. I get images of a movie like The Blue Lagoon with the very faraway quality of the action and also the mad love the characters have for each other. If you have some watery riffs, this would be a very cool song.

As a side note, I'm not sure that your use of the archaic pronouns are all accurate. "Just the heart of thine" is a long way of saying "Just thine heart" and "Our blood shall retain/Retain to thee" doesn't seem to make sense. "Our blood shall keep/Keep to you" is what I'm getting from that line.

The 'Ode for a Loving Old Man' kind of has similar themes transposed to a new setting. I think it could be more moving if it was fleshed out a little, at the moment more of a sketch.

Ezadara wrote:
Come & See

Spoiler: show
When at last your travels delivered you here
to these faraway shores, these minutes that became years,
you fell to your knees, your voice ragged
as a long-forgotten desert trail,
and exalted that you had found home.
How long had it been since you’d felt safe--
since your nomad’s heart had given you a night of rest?
The sun above would soon be gone, and you stood
and turned to face it, gazing out to sea, your callused hands
outstretched, as if to catch every waning shade of sunset.
You stepped into the sea, and the cool water
soothed your tired feet, swallowed up the memory
of each lonesome step, eased the haunting ache in your bones.
Then it took you apart, feet and legs, hands and arms, chest and heart,
parted skin from flesh, flesh from bones, bones from marrow,
pulled away every joy that had ever become a sorrow,
drew out every name by which you were known
in all corners of the world and erased them,
until there was nothing left, nothing of you,
just the vanishing sun and the blue of the sea.

I feel like the sea is quite a vague motif of beginnings and endings here. For myself, I'll often use it with that sense of diasporic ending where "All rivers end in the same sea", and I feel that notion of things coming to rest on the shore and flowing out to sea. The poem itself doesn't give many answers and could be read as several different things, of which I take it to be about age and death. Although the actual idea of the narrative (person returns from wandering and is stripped bare by the sea) sounds far-fetched, the progress of the poem and the solemn voice makes it work. Those long, heavy sentences especially give the impression that this is taking place in real time or in some protracted repetition that cannot be paused. As such, it's a cyclical poem and should definitely go among your 35 poems for the year. However, I urge you to reconsider the title, which doesn't do justice to the poem - unless it's some kind of sex pun, in which case I'll be massively disappointed :-P
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Napero wrote:
the dismal stench of The Chicken Bone Gallows on the Plains of Mediocre Desolation was unleashed upon the unsuspecting world by the unholy rusty lawnmower molester horde that is Satan's Prenuptial Charcuterie from the endless field of tombs that is Butthill, Alabama

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gasmask_colostomy
Metalhead

Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 5:38 am
Posts: 1648
Location: China
PostPosted: Thu Aug 20, 2020 9:10 am 
 

Because I've now been reminded of both how the sea makes me feel and the fact that I love long sentences, there's no better time than to share this one. I believe it was written about 2 years ago, but I'd do it exactly the same now.

Sentence Worship

Tirelessly he paces
through arterial corridors,
trying - like a rat in a maze -
to extricate himself
from these narrow confines
that (like it or not,
and it gives him no pleasure)
define him by their constraints,
delimit his sphere into straight lines
and futile ellipses,
perhaps even restrict his imagination
to a mere kaleidoscope -
myriad colours, bound to repeat -
yet allow him to praise the structure
of the thing,
undulating like a river,
following the course of least opposition
out towards the mouth
and into the vastness of the sea
(formless immensity,
or so he thinks),
which just goes to show
that he could end up anywhere,
end up as anything,
and be none the wiser
of where he started.
_________________
Napero wrote:
the dismal stench of The Chicken Bone Gallows on the Plains of Mediocre Desolation was unleashed upon the unsuspecting world by the unholy rusty lawnmower molester horde that is Satan's Prenuptial Charcuterie from the endless field of tombs that is Butthill, Alabama

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simonitro
Metalhead

Joined: Thu Apr 08, 2004 3:41 pm
Posts: 478
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada
PostPosted: Thu Aug 20, 2020 12:18 pm 
 

Why The Dancer Spins Alone?

Wind, wind, wind
The pretty lady starts to dance
He examines her
As she spins
Round, round, round
Endlessly
Aimlessly
Why?

The tunes are coming out
How does she feel?
As the young boy wonders
He grabbed one of his toy soldiers
And invites it to dance
Maybe she won't feel lonely
She would have someone to dance with
And magically, the lady started to smile

The two figures started to dance together
The boy watches in awe
As he too started to smile
Giving them a nod
As the two started to sing:

“You are sixteen going on seventeen
Waiting for life to start
Somebody kind who touches your mind
Will suddenly touch your heart”

As the boy started to retreat,
Leaving both figures to dance
Alone... in harmony

Next morning,
His mom comes to the boy and asks:
“Morning son, why did you leave your toy soldier inside the music box?”
And he said:
“She was all sad dancing alone... his lover is back from war.
Mother, will father ever return
To dance with you again?”
---------------------------------------------

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Ezadara
Metalhead

Joined: Thu Dec 28, 2017 10:32 pm
Posts: 621
PostPosted: Thu Aug 20, 2020 12:29 pm 
 

gasmask_colostomy wrote:
Because I've now been reminded of both how the sea makes me feel and the fact that I love long sentences, there's no better time than to share this one. I believe it was written about 2 years ago, but I'd do it exactly the same now.

Sentence Worship

Tirelessly he paces
through arterial corridors,
trying - like a rat in a maze -
to extricate himself
from these narrow confines
that (like it or not,
and it gives him no pleasure)
define him by their constraints,
delimit his sphere into straight lines
and futile ellipses,
perhaps even restrict his imagination
to a mere kaleidoscope -
myriad colours, bound to repeat -
yet allow him to praise the structure
of the thing,
undulating like a river,
following the course of least opposition
out towards the mouth
and into the vastness of the sea
(formless immensity,
or so he thinks),
which just goes to show
that he could end up anywhere,
end up as anything,
and be none the wiser
of where he started.

I'm reading this as a kind of... meta-poem about poetry? Kind of an ode to both the power and the inadequacy of language to express the inexpressible-- the words as a river, the feeling they're trying to convey as the vast sea. I dig it.

gasmask_colostomy wrote:
I feel like the sea is quite a vague motif of beginnings and endings here. For myself, I'll often use it with that sense of diasporic ending where "All rivers end in the same sea", and I feel that notion of things coming to rest on the shore and flowing out to sea. The poem itself doesn't give many answers and could be read as several different things, of which I take it to be about age and death. Although the actual idea of the narrative (person returns from wandering and is stripped bare by the sea) sounds far-fetched, the progress of the poem and the solemn voice makes it work. Those long, heavy sentences especially give the impression that this is taking place in real time or in some protracted repetition that cannot be paused. As such, it's a cyclical poem and should definitely go among your 35 poems for the year. However, I urge you to reconsider the title, which doesn't do justice to the poem - unless it's some kind of sex pun, in which case I'll be massively disappointed :-P

Definitely not a sex pun haha. It does, however, fit the intended meaning behind the poem, so I'll probably keep it (possibly with the addition of a disclaimer that this is definitely not a really convoluted, abstract poem about sex or something).

The past few days have been a bit of a dry spell for me so I haven't written much poetry. So instead, here's a little something I wrote back in June that doesn't mention the sea (not even once!)

Spoiler: show
Love Song

I sit here with my back to the whole world,
and think of things to write about you.
Out west, the selvage of evening is fading
over lonesome hillsides into shades of sunset.
A cool breeze whispers its way down through the fields,
bearing along the sound of crickets singing the day to sleep
and the soft sweetness of summer rains to come.
I look back and watch the highway behind me
and its thousand travelers vanish into the night,
and I think of crossroads and places I’ve been,
days of wandering and nights of parting
from faraway palaces and the ashes of campfires.
Then I look back to the horizon, and the soft warm glow
of pastel red and orange against night’s cool blue,
and I think only of you.

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gasmask_colostomy
Metalhead

Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 5:38 am
Posts: 1648
Location: China
PostPosted: Sat Aug 22, 2020 10:27 am 
 

simonitro wrote:
Why The Dancer Spins Alone?

Spoiler: show
Wind, wind, wind
The pretty lady starts to dance
He examines her
As she spins
Round, round, round
Endlessly
Aimlessly
Why?

The tunes are coming out
How does she feel?
As the young boy wonders
He grabbed one of his toy soldiers
And invites it to dance
Maybe she won't feel lonely
She would have someone to dance with
And magically, the lady started to smile

The two figures started to dance together
The boy watches in awe
As he too started to smile
Giving them a nod
As the two started to sing:

“You are sixteen going on seventeen
Waiting for life to start
Somebody kind who touches your mind
Will suddenly touch your heart”

As the boy started to retreat,
Leaving both figures to dance
Alone... in harmony

Next morning,
His mom comes to the boy and asks:
“Morning son, why did you leave your toy soldier inside the music box?”
And he said:
“She was all sad dancing alone... his lover is back from war.
Mother, will father ever return
To dance with you again?”
---------------------------------------------

Is this one a song or just a poem? Has much more of a poetic feel to it. The story is pretty nice, especially the little twist at the end, which makes it less childish and romantic. If it is indeed a full-blown poem, you could probably do more with the word choice, which is a little straightforward at times and doesn't build an atmosphere, which this piece probably should. A small point, but one that bugs me, does the title need a question mark? I don't think it's actually a question.

Ezadara wrote:
I'm reading this as a kind of... meta-poem about poetry? Kind of an ode to both the power and the inadequacy of language to express the inexpressible-- the words as a river, the feeling they're trying to convey as the vast sea. I dig it.

Yeah, that sort of thing. It's that sort of idea of "if I just let my pen run" but also thinking about how much of a slave to the sentence I am. You know when you write a lot and find that you automatically produce the same kind of sentences over and over? That's me trying to break the shackles of a sentence, while knowing that it's futile.

Ezadara wrote:
The past few days have been a bit of a dry spell for me so I haven't written much poetry. So instead, here's a little something I wrote back in June that doesn't mention the sea (not even once!)

Love Song

I sit here with my back to the whole world,
and think of things to write about you.
Out west, the selvage of evening is fading
over lonesome hillsides into shades of sunset.
A cool breeze whispers its way down through the fields,
bearing along the sound of crickets singing the day to sleep
and the soft sweetness of summer rains to come.
I look back and watch the highway behind me
and its thousand travelers vanish into the night,
and I think of crossroads and places I’ve been,
days of wandering and nights of parting
from faraway palaces and the ashes of campfires.
Then I look back to the horizon, and the soft warm glow
of pastel red and orange against night’s cool blue,
and I think only of you.

Haha, so a poem not about the sea is a "dry spell". Interesting that this one also has a feeling of settling down to watch some force and nature and thinking "the journey's done". A lot of us get stuck in a poetic position sometimes; mine is looking at my pen, maybe yours is thinking about taking a rest? Again, it's a topic that usually sounds cliched, and all the images and phrases sound very familiar, yet the smoothness of the sentences makes it a very comforting experience to read. Another title I hate, but another good poem.
_________________
Napero wrote:
the dismal stench of The Chicken Bone Gallows on the Plains of Mediocre Desolation was unleashed upon the unsuspecting world by the unholy rusty lawnmower molester horde that is Satan's Prenuptial Charcuterie from the endless field of tombs that is Butthill, Alabama

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gasmask_colostomy
Metalhead

Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 5:38 am
Posts: 1648
Location: China
PostPosted: Sat Aug 22, 2020 10:32 am 
 

This is a bit of something. One of my bus poems.

Slurped Through a Straw

Sonic cubes, a
skitterish companion
that passes through
musty places filled
with midnight. The
clamour of soft
suspense, tumescent
creativity lanced
and set crashing
like waves against
ruled lines. Blanket
distortion quietens
all, flushing out
the humours to form
one of life’s thick
soups, nutrient rich.
_________________
Napero wrote:
the dismal stench of The Chicken Bone Gallows on the Plains of Mediocre Desolation was unleashed upon the unsuspecting world by the unholy rusty lawnmower molester horde that is Satan's Prenuptial Charcuterie from the endless field of tombs that is Butthill, Alabama

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simonitro
Metalhead

Joined: Thu Apr 08, 2004 3:41 pm
Posts: 478
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada
PostPosted: Sat Aug 22, 2020 9:14 pm 
 

gasmask_colostomy wrote:
This is a bit of something. One of my bus poems.

Slurped Through a Straw

Sonic cubes, a
skitterish companion
that passes through
musty places filled
with midnight. The
clamour of soft
suspense, tumescent
creativity lanced
and set crashing
like waves against
ruled lines. Blanket
distortion quietens
all, flushing out
the humours to form
one of life’s thick
soups, nutrient rich.


Why do I have feeling that when you're slurping your slushie or soup on a bus, that would spill on you somehow? Something about this made me think of Skittles, for some reason.

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simonitro
Metalhead

Joined: Thu Apr 08, 2004 3:41 pm
Posts: 478
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada
PostPosted: Sat Aug 22, 2020 9:22 pm 
 

gasmask_colostomy wrote:
simonitro wrote:
Why The Dancer Spins Alone?

Spoiler: show
Wind, wind, wind
The pretty lady starts to dance
He examines her
As she spins
Round, round, round
Endlessly
Aimlessly
Why?

The tunes are coming out
How does she feel?
As the young boy wonders
He grabbed one of his toy soldiers
And invites it to dance
Maybe she won't feel lonely
She would have someone to dance with
And magically, the lady started to smile

The two figures started to dance together
The boy watches in awe
As he too started to smile
Giving them a nod
As the two started to sing:

“You are sixteen going on seventeen
Waiting for life to start
Somebody kind who touches your mind
Will suddenly touch your heart”

As the boy started to retreat,
Leaving both figures to dance
Alone... in harmony

Next morning,
His mom comes to the boy and asks:
“Morning son, why did you leave your toy soldier inside the music box?”
And he said:
“She was all sad dancing alone... his lover is back from war.
Mother, will father ever return
To dance with you again?”
---------------------------------------------

Is this one a song or just a poem? Has much more of a poetic feel to it. The story is pretty nice, especially the little twist at the end, which makes it less childish and romantic. If it is indeed a full-blown poem, you could probably do more with the word choice, which is a little straightforward at times and doesn't build an atmosphere, which this piece probably should. A small point, but one that bugs me, does the title need a question mark? I don't think it's actually a question.


Yes, this is a poem and not a song. This one for me was going on the emotion and not really trying to use big words or so to keep a bit playful. I do have fondness to write about World War time period with romantic feel to it. Yeah, I think that title really doesn't need a question mark. This was written around 2012. Not a very recent one.

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Osore
Metalhead

Joined: Thu Apr 10, 2014 9:55 am
Posts: 597
Location: Serbia
PostPosted: Sun Aug 23, 2020 6:31 am 
 

gasmask_colostomy wrote:
As per usual, I'm on the English version. Love that listing of colours and the switch to another keyword at the end, you can tell the poem is winding up some kind of surprise. It's actually kind of monochrome in effect though, very consistent use of grotesque religious and medical imagery to build up the gothic unease. Not as hermetic as some of your previous ones either I think, because I could just read through and follow the images, a bit like some of DividerOfShadows' stuff. Just, obviously, like gluttony for a miserable vampire.
Correct. Image I'm aware most of my work is extremely dramatic, overemphasised, as a result of which sentences roll in a frantic speed sometimes, which is influenced by my love of blast beats in black metal.

gasmask_colostomy wrote:
Sentence Worship

Spoiler: show
Tirelessly he paces
through arterial corridors,
trying - like a rat in a maze -
to extricate himself
from these narrow confines
that (like it or not,
and it gives him no pleasure)
define him by their constraints,
delimit his sphere into straight lines
and futile ellipses,
perhaps even restrict his imagination
to a mere kaleidoscope -
myriad colours, bound to repeat -
yet allow him to praise the structure
of the thing,
undulating like a river,
following the course of least opposition
out towards the mouth
and into the vastness of the sea
(formless immensity,
or so he thinks),
which just goes to show
that he could end up anywhere,
end up as anything,
and be none the wiser
of where he started.

Slurped Through a Straw

Spoiler: show
Sonic cubes, a
skitterish companion
that passes through
musty places filled
with midnight. The
clamour of soft
suspense, tumescent
creativity lanced
and set crashing
like waves against
ruled lines. Blanket
distortion quietens
all, flushing out
the humours to form
one of life’s thick
soups, nutrient rich.

You can make a poem out of anything, the words are under your control. I prefer the first one because the theme is more welcoming (than being in a noisy bus). XD

simonitro wrote:
Why The Dancer Spins Alone?

Spoiler: show
Wind, wind, wind
The pretty lady starts to dance
He examines her
As she spins
Round, round, round
Endlessly
Aimlessly
Why?

The tunes are coming out
How does she feel?
As the young boy wonders
He grabbed one of his toy soldiers
And invites it to dance
Maybe she won't feel lonely
She would have someone to dance with
And magically, the lady started to smile

The two figures started to dance together
The boy watches in awe
As he too started to smile
Giving them a nod
As the two started to sing:

“You are sixteen going on seventeen
Waiting for life to start
Somebody kind who touches your mind
Will suddenly touch your heart”

As the boy started to retreat,
Leaving both figures to dance
Alone... in harmony

Next morning,
His mom comes to the boy and asks:
“Morning son, why did you leave your toy soldier inside the music box?”
And he said:
“She was all sad dancing alone... his lover is back from war.
Mother, will father ever return
To dance with you again?”

This one is indeed complete, it sounds like something I would expect to see in a film or TV series and roll my eyes, but as a poem it appears more acceptable.

If anyone is interested, here is the article about black metal and poetry: https://metalinjection.net/news/satan-the-self-and-the-city-the-melodrama-and-melancholy-of-black-metal. It may be far-fetched to some, but I share the same thoughts because I started reading diabolic poetry and listening to black metal at the same time and I've been enchanted ever since. My taste is cemented.

For sea lovers, a poem Rimbaud wrote before he actually had the chance to visit the sea:
Spoiler: show
The Drunken Boat

As I was floating down unconcerned Rivers
I no longer felt myself steered by the haulers:
Gaudy Redskins had taken them for targets
Nailing them naked to coloured stakes.

I cared nothing for all my crews,
Carrying Flemish wheat or English cottons.
When, along with my haulers those uproars were done with
The Rivers let me sail downstream where I pleased.

Into the ferocious tide-rips
Last winter, more absorbed than the minds of children,
I ran! And the unmoored Peninsulas
Never endured more triumphant clamourings

The storm made bliss of my sea-borne awakenings.
Lighter than a cork, I danced on the waves
Which men call eternal rollers of victims,
For ten nights, without once missing the foolish eye of the harbor lights!

Sweeter than the flesh of sour apples to children,
The green water penetrated my pinewood hull
And washed me clean of the bluish wine-stains and the splashes of vomit,
Carrying away both rudder and anchor.

And from that time on I bathed in the Poem
Of the Sea, star-infused and churned into milk,
Devouring the green azures; where, entranced in pallid flotsam,
A dreaming drowned man sometimes goes down;

Where, suddenly dyeing the bluenesses, deliriums
And slow rhythms under the gleams of the daylight,
Stronger than alcohol, vaster than music
Ferment the bitter rednesses of love!

I have come to know the skies splitting with lightnings, and the waterspouts
And the breakers and currents; I know the evening,
And Dawn rising up like a flock of doves,
And sometimes I have seen what men have imagined they saw!

I have seen the low-hanging sun speckled with mystic horrors.
Lighting up long violet coagulations,
Like the performers in very-antique dramas
Waves rolling back into the distances their shiverings of venetian blinds!

I have dreamed of the green night of the dazzled snows
The kiss rising slowly to the eyes of the seas,
The circulation of undreamed-of saps,
And the yellow-blue awakenings of singing phosphorus!

I have followed, for whole months on end, the swells
Battering the reefs like hysterical herds of cows,
Never dreaming that the luminous feet of the Marys
Could force back the muzzles of snorting Oceans!

I have struck, do you realize, incredible Floridas
Where mingle with flowers the eyes of panthers
In human skins! Rainbows stretched like bridles
Under the seas' horizon, to glaucous herds!

I have seen the enormous swamps seething, traps
Where a whole leviathan rots in the reeds!
Downfalls of waters in the midst of the calm
And distances cataracting down into abysses!

Glaciers, suns of silver, waves of pearl, skies of red-hot coals!
Hideous wrecks at the bottom of brown gulfs
Where the giant snakes devoured by vermin
Fall from the twisted trees with black odours!

I should have liked to show to children those dolphins
Of the blue wave, those golden, those singing fishes.
- Foam of flowers rocked my driftings
And at times ineffable winds would lend me wings.

Sometimes, a martyr weary of poles and zones,
The sea whose sobs sweetened my rollings
Lifted its shadow-flowers with their yellow sucking disks toward me
And I hung there like a kneeling woman...

Almost an island, tossing on my beaches the brawls
And droppings of pale-eyed, clamouring birds,
And I was scudding along when across my frayed cordage
Drowned men sank backwards into sleep!

But now I, a boat lost under the hair of coves,
Hurled by the hurricane into the birdless ether,
I, whose wreck, dead-drunk and sodden with water,
neither Monitor nor Hanse ships would have fished up;

Free, smoking, risen from violet fogs,
I who bored through the wall of the reddening sky
Which bears a sweetmeat good poets find delicious,
Lichens of sunlight [mixed] with azure snot,

Who ran, speckled with lunula of electricity,
A crazy plank, with black sea-horses for escort,
When Julys were crushing with cudgel blows
Skies of ultramarine into burning funnels;

I who trembled, to feel at fifty leagues' distance
The groans of Behemoth's rutting, and of the dense Maelstroms
Eternal spinner of blue immobilities
I long for Europe with it's aged old parapets!

I have seen archipelagos of stars! and islands
Whose delirious skies are open to sailor:
- Do you sleep, are you exiled in those bottomless nights,
Million golden birds, O Life Force of the future? -

But, truly, I have wept too much! The Dawns are heartbreaking.
Every moon is atrocious and every sun bitter:
Sharp love has swollen me up with heady langours.
O let my keel split! O let me sink to the bottom!

If there is one water in Europe I want, it is the
Black cold pool where into the scented twilight
A child squatting full of sadness, launches
A boat as fragile as a butterfly in May.

I can no more, bathed in your langours, O waves,
Sail in the wake of the carriers of cottons,
Nor undergo the pride of the flags and pennants,
Nor pull past the horrible eyes of the hulks.

Translated by Oliver Bernard: Arthur Rimbaud, Collected Poems (1962).
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Last edited by Osore on Sat Aug 29, 2020 12:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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gasmask_colostomy
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Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 5:38 am
Posts: 1648
Location: China
PostPosted: Sat Aug 29, 2020 5:04 am 
 

simonitro wrote:
gasmask_colostomy wrote:
Slurped Through a Straw

Why do I have feeling that when you're slurping your slushie or soup on a bus, that would spill on you somehow? Something about this made me think of Skittles, for some reason.

Lol I was indeed on the bus but I was just abstracting some thoughts while listening to Paradise Lost, as far as I remember.

Osore wrote:
Image I'm aware most of my work is extremely dramatic, overemphasised, as a result of which sentences roll in a frantic speed sometimes, which is influenced by my love of blast beats in black metal.

For sea lovers, a poem Rimbaud wrote before he actually had the chance to visit the sea:
Spoiler: show
The Drunken Boat

As I was floating down unconcerned Rivers
I no longer felt myself steered by the haulers:
Gaudy Redskins had taken them for targets
Nailing them naked to coloured stakes.

I cared nothing for all my crews,
Carrying Flemish wheat or English cottons.
When, along with my haulers those uproars were done with
The Rivers let me sail downstream where I pleased.

Into the ferocious tide-rips
Last winter, more absorbed than the minds of children,
I ran! And the unmoored Peninsulas
Never endured more triumphant clamourings

The storm made bliss of my sea-borne awakenings.
Lighter than a cork, I danced on the waves
Which men call eternal rollers of victims,
For ten nights, without once missing the foolish eye of the harbor lights!

Sweeter than the flesh of sour apples to children,
The green water penetrated my pinewood hull
And washed me clean of the bluish wine-stains and the splashes of vomit,
Carrying away both rudder and anchor.

And from that time on I bathed in the Poem
Of the Sea, star-infused and churned into milk,
Devouring the green azures; where, entranced in pallid flotsam,
A dreaming drowned man sometimes goes down;

Where, suddenly dyeing the bluenesses, deliriums
And slow rhythms under the gleams of the daylight,
Stronger than alcohol, vaster than music
Ferment the bitter rednesses of love!

I have come to know the skies splitting with lightnings, and the waterspouts
And the breakers and currents; I know the evening,
And Dawn rising up like a flock of doves,
And sometimes I have seen what men have imagined they saw!

I have seen the low-hanging sun speckled with mystic horrors.
Lighting up long violet coagulations,
Like the performers in very-antique dramas
Waves rolling back into the distances their shiverings of venetian blinds!

I have dreamed of the green night of the dazzled snows
The kiss rising slowly to the eyes of the seas,
The circulation of undreamed-of saps,
And the yellow-blue awakenings of singing phosphorus!

I have followed, for whole months on end, the swells
Battering the reefs like hysterical herds of cows,
Never dreaming that the luminous feet of the Marys
Could force back the muzzles of snorting Oceans!

I have struck, do you realize, incredible Floridas
Where mingle with flowers the eyes of panthers
In human skins! Rainbows stretched like bridles
Under the seas' horizon, to glaucous herds!

I have seen the enormous swamps seething, traps
Where a whole leviathan rots in the reeds!
Downfalls of waters in the midst of the calm
And distances cataracting down into abysses!

Glaciers, suns of silver, waves of pearl, skies of red-hot coals!
Hideous wrecks at the bottom of brown gulfs
Where the giant snakes devoured by vermin
Fall from the twisted trees with black odours!

I should have liked to show to children those dolphins
Of the blue wave, those golden, those singing fishes.
- Foam of flowers rocked my driftings
And at times ineffable winds would lend me wings.

Sometimes, a martyr weary of poles and zones,
The sea whose sobs sweetened my rollings
Lifted its shadow-flowers with their yellow sucking disks toward me
And I hung there like a kneeling woman...

Almost an island, tossing on my beaches the brawls
And droppings of pale-eyed, clamouring birds,
And I was scudding along when across my frayed cordage
Drowned men sank backwards into sleep!

But now I, a boat lost under the hair of coves,
Hurled by the hurricane into the birdless ether,
I, whose wreck, dead-drunk and sodden with water,
neither Monitor nor Hanse ships would have fished up;

Free, smoking, risen from violet fogs,
I who bored through the wall of the reddening sky
Which bears a sweetmeat good poets find delicious,
Lichens of sunlight [mixed] with azure snot,

Who ran, speckled with lunula of electricity,
A crazy plank, with black sea-horses for escort,
When Julys were crushing with cudgel blows
Skies of ultramarine into burning funnels;

I who trembled, to feel at fifty leagues' distance
The groans of Behemoth's rutting, and of the dense Maelstroms
Eternal spinner of blue immobilities
I long for Europe with it's aged old parapets!

I have seen archipelagos of stars! and islands
Whose delirious skies are open to sailor:
- Do you sleep, are you exiled in those bottomless nights,
Million golden birds, O Life Force of the future? -

But, truly, I have wept too much! The Dawns are heartbreaking.
Every moon is atrocious and every sun bitter:
Sharp love has swollen me up with heady langours.
O let my keel split! O let me sink to the bottom!

If there is one water in Europe I want, it is the
Black cold pool where into the scented twilight
A child squatting full of sadness, launches
A boat as fragile as a butterfly in May.

I can no more, bathed in your langours, O waves,
Sail in the wake of the carriers of cottons,
Nor undergo the pride of the flags and pennants,
Nor pull past the horrible eyes of the hulks.

Translated by Oliver Bernard: Arthur Rimbaud, Collected Poems (1962).

Yeah, you are pretty black metal/gothic in your poetic sense, probably black metal in the sense that it's very symbolic and closed to meaning when you do hermetic style. Underground poetry :metal: Loved the Rimbaud by the way!

Yesterday, I wrote something new and would like to see what you make of it.

The Eight Trigrams

Symbols you etched in stone
with vast significance,
grinding particles aside
to separate meaning and non-meaning
as sweat stood on your brows,
a part of you left behind
and lost in the universe
how a sigh becomes wind.

You understood the emptiness
and gave it a companion
in these broken and unbroken lines,
lights that flickered
into every obscure corner,
beams that travelled unimpeded
deep into nothingness
to convert it into substance.

Grand schematic of existence
on eight simple planes
of three recurring parts,
interlinking life’s qualities
stable and fluctuating both
with a sense of meaning,
an escaped essence
once set in stone.
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the dismal stench of The Chicken Bone Gallows on the Plains of Mediocre Desolation was unleashed upon the unsuspecting world by the unholy rusty lawnmower molester horde that is Satan's Prenuptial Charcuterie from the endless field of tombs that is Butthill, Alabama

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Osore
Metalhead

Joined: Thu Apr 10, 2014 9:55 am
Posts: 597
Location: Serbia
PostPosted: Sat Aug 29, 2020 12:02 pm 
 

gasmask_colostomy wrote:

Yesterday, I wrote something new and would like to see what you make of it.

Spoiler: show
The Eight Trigrams

Symbols you etched in stone
with vast significance,
grinding particles aside
to separate meaning and non-meaning
as sweat stood on your brows,
a part of you left behind
and lost in the universe
how a sigh becomes wind.

You understood the emptiness
and gave it a companion
in these broken and unbroken lines,
lights that flickered
into every obscure corner,
beams that travelled unimpeded
deep into nothingness
to convert it into substance.

Grand schematic of existence
on eight simple planes
of three recurring parts,
interlinking life’s qualities
stable and fluctuating both
with a sense of meaning,
an escaped essence
once set in stone.

I didn't know what the title means at first, it sounded like 8x3=24 grams of something. XD The poem itself gave me a picture of a poet that does something like alchemy, or more precisely, turns stone/raw material into beautiful verses. I googled it afterwards and now I now what it stands for (Yi Jing). I'm glad ancient Chinese wisdom was somehow magical and more reflexive than straight-forward religious rules. It gives me sense of mystique and freedom within its internal borders that can be inspirational. I felt the same when a student introduced me to Japanese Garden section of botanical garden in Belgrade and explained the meaning of different things there. I remember sitting in a said place with my sister and asking her if she felt the connection, and she answered: ''I haven't turned the Wi-Fi on.'' ''Connection with nature!'' was my response. :lol:

And here's my newest poem inspired by the lack of inspiration, furniture attacks, hourglasses and long sentences: https://pesimum.wordpress.com/2020/08/24/poetski-pokusaj/. I tried to translate a gothic poem before and erased everything, so hopefully this one can pass.
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simonitro
Metalhead

Joined: Thu Apr 08, 2004 3:41 pm
Posts: 478
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada
PostPosted: Sat Aug 29, 2020 2:49 pm 
 

1990 Grains of Sand

Reflecting through childish eyes
This is when I did realize
My destiny shall change forever
My heart still remembers

Tanks down the streets
Under sun's heat
Prelude to all chaos
To change all of history

Bullets flying
Men are dying
Six years of age
It turns my page

Story of this boy's life
How to ever survive
Across roads to go
My other land shall fall

(Chorus)---

The Gulf is burning
Under the oil spills
Tides are turning
Many to be killed
Rise of the heat of the desert
---------------------

Could you see the land of my birth
Getting burnt

(Guitar Solo)

Listening to the news
Oceans turn black
Burning of fuels
When they attacked

Mirrors of memories
I remember it all
As the heat buries
War was out of control

(Chorus)

--------------------------------------------------

This is a bit of a personal song. This is an experience that happened when myself and my family were escaping from Kuwait to Lebanon during the Gulf War. It was such scary times especially being a part of it. Seeing the black oil spilling in the Kuwait seas is quite horrifying.

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Ezadara
Metalhead

Joined: Thu Dec 28, 2017 10:32 pm
Posts: 621
PostPosted: Sat Aug 29, 2020 3:59 pm 
 

Osore wrote:
And here's my newest poem inspired by the lack of inspiration, furniture attacks, hourglasses and long sentences: https://pesimum.wordpress.com/2020/08/24/poetski-pokusaj/. I tried to translate a gothic poem before and erased everything, so hopefully this one can pass.

I can definitely see a sort of 'gothic' vibe here-- there's an interesting dynamic where there's a lot of vivid imagery, some of it bright and colorful (sunny thorns, lavender scents, azure pantries), but the poem in general conjures up a very 'grey' kind of feeling, at least for me. Fitting, I guess, for a poem inspired, as you say, by a lack of inspiration.

Haven't had the time for much writing lately, but I did wind up with this the other day. It's something I might revisit in the future, tweak the wording of a line or two, but that's about it. (I'm also counting on gasmask_colostomy hating the title once again haha)

Spoiler: show
Water Poisoning

There is no such thing as pride or shame
in the shadow of the trees of Eden.
The beggar and the king sing the same drunken songs;
the pilgrim and the pilgrimage are one and the same.
The most ordinary things-- a cool summer breeze,
the warmth of the sun and the passing of day into night--
seem like verses of poetry that have taken on new meaning,
while all who were extraordinary-- who stood before the world
like Bayazid before the divine, exalting his own name--
are left unexceptional, victim of that most human of defects.
And the nomad who no longer knows the way back home
finds themselves at last at the gates of the garden, and will never know
if they have come to Eden or Gethsemane.

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Osore
Metalhead

Joined: Thu Apr 10, 2014 9:55 am
Posts: 597
Location: Serbia
PostPosted: Sat Aug 29, 2020 5:21 pm 
 

simonitro wrote:
1990 Grains of Sand

Spoiler: show
Reflecting through childish eyes
This is when I did realize
My destiny shall change forever
My heart still remembers

Tanks down the streets
Under sun's heat
Prelude to all chaos
To change all of history

Bullets flying
Men are dying
Six years of age
It turns my page

Story of this boy's life
How to ever survive
Across roads to go
My other land shall fall

(Chorus)---

The Gulf is burning
Under the oil spills
Tides are turning
Many to be killed
Rise of the heat of the desert
---------------------

Could you see the land of my birth
Getting burnt

(Guitar Solo)

Listening to the news
Oceans turn black
Burning of fuels
When they attacked

Mirrors of memories
I remember it all
As the heat buries
War was out of control

(Chorus)

--------------------------------------------------

This is a bit of a personal song. This is an experience that happened when myself and my family were escaping from Kuwait to Lebanon during the Gulf War. It was such scary times especially being a part of it. Seeing the black oil spilling in the Kuwait seas is quite horrifying.
The rhymes give it a playful tone, which is suitable for a lyrics and in contrast with the brutal theme. I hate wars and pollution and I'm sorry you had to experience that. I guess you are now good in Canada since it sounds like a nice country to live in.

Ezadara wrote:
Osore wrote:
And here's my newest poem inspired by the lack of inspiration, furniture attacks, hourglasses and long sentences: https://pesimum.wordpress.com/2020/08/24/poetski-pokusaj/. I tried to translate a gothic poem before and erased everything, so hopefully this one can pass.

I can definitely see a sort of 'gothic' vibe here-- there's an interesting dynamic where there's a lot of vivid imagery, some of it bright and colorful (sunny thorns, lavender scents, azure pantries), but the poem in general conjures up a very 'grey' kind of feeling, at least for me. Fitting, I guess, for a poem inspired, as you say, by a lack of inspiration.

Haven't had the time for much writing lately, but I did wind up with this the other day. It's something I might revisit in the future, tweak the wording of a line or two, but that's about it. (I'm also counting on gasmask_colostomy hating the title once again haha)

Spoiler: show
Water Poisoning

There is no such thing as pride or shame
in the shadow of the trees of Eden.
The beggar and the king sing the same drunken songs;
the pilgrim and the pilgrimage are one and the same.

The most ordinary things-- a cool summer breeze,
the warmth of the sun and the passing of day into night--
seem like verses of poetry that have taken on new meaning,
while all who were extraordinary-- who stood before the world
like Bayazid before the divine, exalting his own name--
are left unexceptional, victim of that most human of defects.
And the nomad who no longer knows the way back home
finds themselves at last at the gates of the garden, and will never know
if they have come to Eden or Gethsemane.

Yes, I can feel a grey filter around my poem too, and (almost) madness/chaos.
Water Poisoning has some cryptic meaning. I underlined the things I struggle to connect with other parts, so that the message comes clear. I would appreciate your help.
Bayazid rings a bell, as he is infamous for killing his brother to get to the throne: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Kosovo#Aftermath. I don't like history, particularly that gruesome period when Serbs were within the Ottoman Empire which put cultural progress on a halt (we skipped The Renaissance!) and as a consequence of which the mentality of people in the Balkans today is a ghost from the past. :[
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Ezadara
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Joined: Thu Dec 28, 2017 10:32 pm
Posts: 621
PostPosted: Sat Aug 29, 2020 10:53 pm 
 

Osore wrote:
Bayazid rings a bell, as he is infamous for killing his brother to get to the throne: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Kosovo#Aftermath. I don't like history, particularly that gruesome period when Serbs were within the Ottoman Empire which put cultural progress on a halt (we skipped The Renaissance!) and as a consequence of which the mentality of people in the Balkans today is a ghost from the past. :[

Different Bayazid in this case-- Bayazid Bistami, the Sufi mystic, not the Ottoman Sultan.

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gasmask_colostomy
Metalhead

Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 5:38 am
Posts: 1648
Location: China
PostPosted: Sun Aug 30, 2020 10:27 am 
 

Osore wrote:
gasmask_colostomy wrote:
The Eight Trigrams

I didn't know what the title means at first, it sounded like 8x3=24 grams of something. XD The poem itself gave me a picture of a poet that does something like alchemy, or more precisely, turns stone/raw material into beautiful verses. I googled it afterwards and now I now what it stands for (Yi Jing). I'm glad ancient Chinese wisdom was somehow magical and more reflexive than straight-forward religious rules. It gives me sense of mystique and freedom within its internal borders that can be inspirational. I felt the same when a student introduced me to Japanese Garden section of botanical garden in Belgrade and explained the meaning of different things there. I remember sitting in a said place with my sister and asking her if she felt the connection, and she answered: ''I haven't turned the Wi-Fi on.'' ''Connection with nature!'' was my response. :lol:

And here's my newest poem inspired by the lack of inspiration, furniture attacks, hourglasses and long sentences: https://pesimum.wordpress.com/2020/08/24/poetski-pokusaj/. I tried to translate a gothic poem before and erased everything, so hopefully this one can pass.

Reading it back, your first response seems legitimate, since I haven't actually said much about the use or meaning of the eight trigrams (ba gua), more imagining how they shaped someone's life. It's a subject I'm looking into a little and I find it enormously hard to put in simple terms what the ancient Chinese meant by writing Yi Jing and using it to guide their actions. I guess the most relevant thing I could say is that it's like feng shui on a universal scale.

Your poem is definitely very hourglass-y (can't find the furniture attacks) and I'm now reading from the perspective of what you said about blastbeats in black metal before. This poem has a lot more colour to the vocabulary and images (kind of a Sylvia Plath "everything goes" feel) but the sheer intensity of the last unpunctuated phrase going on for 3 stanzas is monstrous and just keeps on stuffing meaning on meaning in a very brutal verbosity. I quite like this style.

simonitro wrote:
1990 Grains of Sand
This is a bit of a personal song. This is an experience that happened when myself and my family were escaping from Kuwait to Lebanon during the Gulf War. It was such scary times especially being a part of it. Seeing the black oil spilling in the Kuwait seas is quite horrifying.

Was the title due to the year this happened? It sounds horrific to be involved but produced a very powerful song from it. The lyrics are more vivid and absolute than those you've shared so far, plus the emotions being very raw work better in this case. Hope things are better for you these days.

Ezadara wrote:
Water Poisoning

In fact I don't hate the title, but I haven't worked out exactly how it fits the poem either. The form and feel is very similar to the one you first shared with us about coming back to the sea - the nomad roaming and ending up there, "all rivers end" kind of symbolism - except that the images are more specific and largely biblical. The key message, if it has one, seems to be that we are equal in death (Heaven, afterlife, etc) and that it is the eternal things that matter in the end. What confuses me a little is that the only meaning I can work out from the title would be a reference to Lethe, the stream of forgetfulness in the Greek underworld, which obviously changes a lot of the Judaeo-Christian themes of the poem. The ambiguity doesn't change my opinion of it much, because I still like your style, though I feel this is very familiar after the others you showed us.
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Napero wrote:
the dismal stench of The Chicken Bone Gallows on the Plains of Mediocre Desolation was unleashed upon the unsuspecting world by the unholy rusty lawnmower molester horde that is Satan's Prenuptial Charcuterie from the endless field of tombs that is Butthill, Alabama

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simonitro
Metalhead

Joined: Thu Apr 08, 2004 3:41 pm
Posts: 478
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada
PostPosted: Sun Aug 30, 2020 11:26 am 
 

gasmask_colostomy wrote:
simonitro wrote:
1990 Grains of Sand
This is a bit of a personal song. This is an experience that happened when myself and my family were escaping from Kuwait to Lebanon during the Gulf War. It was such scary times especially being a part of it. Seeing the black oil spilling in the Kuwait seas is quite horrifying.

Was the title due to the year this happened? It sounds horrific to be involved but produced a very powerful song from it. The lyrics are more vivid and absolute than those you've shared so far, plus the emotions being very raw work better in this case. Hope things are better for you these days.


Thank you.

And yes, the title indicates the year that happened. Remembering it from my experience that we were at a friends' house inside a condo and we're listening to the news hearing about the news while that's happening, we stare at the window and you see tanks getting in the country while watching the news. This is also an older song but wanted to share something a little bit something personal.

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Ezadara
Metalhead

Joined: Thu Dec 28, 2017 10:32 pm
Posts: 621
PostPosted: Sun Aug 30, 2020 2:06 pm 
 

gasmask_colostomy wrote:
In fact I don't hate the title, but I haven't worked out exactly how it fits the poem either. The form and feel is very similar to the one you first shared with us about coming back to the sea - the nomad roaming and ending up there, "all rivers end" kind of symbolism - except that the images are more specific and largely biblical. The key message, if it has one, seems to be that we are equal in death (Heaven, afterlife, etc) and that it is the eternal things that matter in the end. What confuses me a little is that the only meaning I can work out from the title would be a reference to Lethe, the stream of forgetfulness in the Greek underworld, which obviously changes a lot of the Judaeo-Christian themes of the poem. The ambiguity doesn't change my opinion of it much, because I still like your style, though I feel this is very familiar after the others you showed us.

The meaning of the title is actually pretty surface-level-- the fact that the thing you most need can also be corrosive. I'm afraid my capacity for Greek mythological references is very limited haha.

And yeah, I wasn't kidding when I said my most injurious weakness when it comes to poetry is defaulting to the same themes/motifs. It's a problem.

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Osore
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Joined: Thu Apr 10, 2014 9:55 am
Posts: 597
Location: Serbia
PostPosted: Sun Aug 30, 2020 2:54 pm 
 

gasmask_colostomy wrote:
Osore wrote:
And here's my newest poem inspired by the lack of inspiration, furniture attacks, hourglasses and long sentences: https://pesimum.wordpress.com/2020/08/24/poetski-pokusaj/. I tried to translate a gothic poem before and erased everything, so hopefully this one can pass.


Your poem is definitely very hourglass-y (can't find the furniture attacks) and I'm now reading from the perspective of what you said about blastbeats in black metal before. This poem has a lot more colour to the vocabulary and images (kind of a Sylvia Plath "everything goes" feel) but the sheer intensity of the last unpunctuated phrase going on for 3 stanzas is monstrous and just keeps on stuffing meaning on meaning in a very brutal verbosity. I quite like this style.

;I didn't mean real furniture attacks, more like sitting between four walls every day knowing that adventurous outing means danger (virus, lunatics, allergy). I wanted to portray the feeling of interior (chests, pantries, tabourets, shelves) crushing down on me along with the noise from jets, cars etc. and smoke (from agricultural fields and people's backyards and gardens - there is a horrible tradition of cooking tomato juice and frying peppers to make ajvar at this time of year, which I absolutely hate and deem disgusting). I also hate the sun rays which feel like thorns to my eyes, so I was playing with words at the beginning that I couldn't translate well - eyelids / windowlids (blinds) (очни капци/ прозорски капци). To bar nested pillows with wings is another untranslatable word association - wing (крило) can belong to a bird and is also a part of the window (double windows are common here; for example, my windows have three outdoor and three indoor wings). Basically, I wanted to say that I sit comfortably with pillows after I put down the screens and block the sun. The poem is a mix of reality and fiction. I do naturally have sharp canines, lavender scented moth repellents in my wardrobe and an X-ray of my leg on a computer, but my lampshade is not brocade nor it has a badge from human skin - that was allusion to the nazis who made lampshades out of human skin and should serve just to shock and give a poem a surreal twist. Numerous lines of perched deceased or their followers whose spirit hides on hospitable shelves is a reference to dead writers and their followers that I've been reading (currently The Woman In Black from a desktop). Knowing how dadaist all it seems, this poem can be either empty excursion or collection of private and trivial symbols of a writer who hunts his verses in his immediate surrounding. I was also inspired by Mallarmé's ''salon poems''; when someone asked him to explain the meaning of a poem, he simply answered: ''It's about my chest of drawers,'' or something like that. It is interesting to have poems about empty old-fashioned rooms in dim light and silence, but my writing was too restless to keep it like that.

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gasmask_colostomy
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Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 5:38 am
Posts: 1648
Location: China
PostPosted: Sun Aug 30, 2020 10:46 pm 
 

Osore wrote:
gasmask_colostomy wrote:
Osore wrote:
And here's my newest poem inspired by the lack of inspiration, furniture attacks, hourglasses and long sentences: https://pesimum.wordpress.com/2020/08/24/poetski-pokusaj/. I tried to translate a gothic poem before and erased everything, so hopefully this one can pass.


Your poem is definitely very hourglass-y (can't find the furniture attacks) and I'm now reading from the perspective of what you said about blastbeats in black metal before. This poem has a lot more colour to the vocabulary and images (kind of a Sylvia Plath "everything goes" feel) but the sheer intensity of the last unpunctuated phrase going on for 3 stanzas is monstrous and just keeps on stuffing meaning on meaning in a very brutal verbosity. I quite like this style.

;I didn't mean real furniture attacks, more like sitting between four walls every day knowing that adventurous outing means danger (virus, lunatics, allergy). I wanted to portray the feeling of interior (chests, pantries, tabourets, shelves) crushing down on me along with the noise from jets, cars etc. and smoke (from agricultural fields and people's backyards and gardens - there is a horrible tradition of cooking tomato juice and frying peppers to make ajvar at this time of year, which I absolutely hate and deem disgusting). I also hate the sun rays which feel like thorns to my eyes, so I was playing with words at the beginning that I couldn't translate well - eyelids / windowlids (blinds) (очни капци/ прозорски капци). To bar nested pillows with wings is another untranslatable word association - wing (крило) can belong to a bird and is also a part of the window (double windows are common here; for example, my windows have three outdoor and three indoor wings). Basically, I wanted to say that I sit comfortably with pillows after I put down the screens and block the sun. The poem is a mix of reality and fiction. I do naturally have sharp canines, lavender scented moth repellents in my wardrobe and an X-ray of my leg on a computer, but my lampshade is not brocade nor it has a badge from human skin - that was allusion to the nazis who made lampshades out of human skin and should serve just to shock and give a poem a surreal twist. Numerous lines of perched deceased or their followers whose spirit hides on hospitable shelves is a reference to dead writers and their followers that I've been reading (currently The Woman In Black from a desktop). Knowing how dadaist all it seems, this poem can be either empty excursion or collection of private and trivial symbols of a writer who hunts his verses in his immediate surrounding. I was also inspired by Mallarmé's ''salon poems''; when someone asked him to explain the meaning of a poem, he simply answered: ''It's about my chest of drawers,'' or something like that. It is interesting to have poems about empty old-fashioned rooms in dim light and silence, but my writing was too restless to keep it like that.

Oh that's very cool, because despite quite a humdrum subject, it produced something much larger and more vibrant. The detailed word associations always ingrain the meaning for the writer but will lead the listener on a different path. And because I'm reading the translated version, some of them are more narrowly associated after doing that. It reads just fine without knowing any of the thoughts you had at the time of writing it, and the technique conveys the feeling of mounting frustration and tension by itself. I will have to find something like that I've written myself, they always end up very interesting.

Ezadara wrote:
The meaning of the title is actually pretty surface-level-- the fact that the thing you most need can also be corrosive. I'm afraid my capacity for Greek mythological references is very limited haha.

And yeah, I wasn't kidding when I said my most injurious weakness when it comes to poetry is defaulting to the same themes/motifs. It's a problem.

Oh, well now I don't like the title :-P That's a greater weakness from my point of view than repeating themes. The repetitions build up a kind of mythology around the poetry as you encounter them again and again from slightly interlinked perspectives.
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severzhavnost
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 31, 2020 3:42 pm 
 

A marvelous bird is the pelican
His beak can hold more than his belly can
Holds more in his beak
than he’ll eat in a week,
I’m damned if I know how the hell he can!
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rejected review wrote:
Have you ever had Kimchi Waffle?
Kimchi Waffle was made by World Institute of Kimchi in South Korea.
It’s so powerful that your stomachs will damn.
Bulgogi Kimchi Bibimbap waffle burger! Holy shit! litterally shit!

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gasmask_colostomy
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 31, 2020 11:54 pm 
 

severzhavnost wrote:
A marvelous bird is the pelican
His beak can hold more than his belly can
Holds more in his beak
than he’ll eat in a week,
I’m damned if I know how the hell he can!

Eloquent :lol:
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the dismal stench of The Chicken Bone Gallows on the Plains of Mediocre Desolation was unleashed upon the unsuspecting world by the unholy rusty lawnmower molester horde that is Satan's Prenuptial Charcuterie from the endless field of tombs that is Butthill, Alabama

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simonitro
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Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada
PostPosted: Tue Sep 01, 2020 12:57 pm 
 

severzhavnost wrote:
A marvelous bird is the pelican
His beak can hold more than his belly can
Holds more in his beak
than he’ll eat in a week,
I’m damned if I know how the hell he can!


Maybe, you should ask it.

"What other things do you have in your mouth? Is that a train???"

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Osore
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 01, 2020 1:22 pm 
 

Image
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Osore
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 12, 2020 9:36 pm 
 

I watched a youtube video with people talking about bad solutions poets tend to make. Although they hold degrees in literature, this is not a guide or a list of things that are bad by default, rather the stuff they personally find annoying. For people who don't understand Serbian, here's a list of statements from a video with my comments (and don't forget to tell us what you think):

1. Please don't use genitive metaphors if they aren't aptly defamiliarised (he used the adjective made from a noun oneobičavanje / ostranenie). They can be difficult to imagine, like ''droplets of soul'', said the other vloger. Try to make a comparison instead.
This makes me think how much I used it, and also about French symbolism that proclaimed death to comparisons.

2. Comparisons that start 10 or so stanzas with ''You...''
I don't like this as well.

3. Twist at the end of the poem that represents a moral lesson and/or is exceptionally poetic (especially after descriptions of everyday life).
Hmmm... It works in old poems, but it can be odd in contemporary.

4. Inversions and blank verse with rhymes - when they sound bad, anachronistic, clichéd.
I'm sure there's ton (my old poems included). Nowadays, I use inversions a lot and I throw a rhyme here and there (more often it's not rhymed at all). I think inversions go hand in hand with my hermeticism, ostranenie and overall weirdness.

5. Poem in a neutral tone that suddenly introduces a juicy sexual detail or a vulgar word and goes on like nothing happened. All of them agreed swear words can be overused in poetry nowadays, it's not shocking anymore.
I don't read contemporary poetry except in this thread, so I don't know what to think - they are probably right.

6. Poems dedicated to big writers where their name is in initials.
Haven't seen this neither. Why don't they write full name if they want to honour the writer?

7. Killing the flow of sentences by breaking them down into one-word stanzas.
It's possible with irony and style: https://pesimum.wordpress.com/2020/09/06/katakombe/.

8. Beginning and ending in general as opposed to particular. Using stars, moon, heart etc. in your own way without being aware of inter-textual links. You can't say I see a moon as a joy of living or something like that. Lorca introduced green colour as a symbol of death carefully throughout his collections of poems.
I disagree. Every writer should use his private symbols. I also think green became a symbol of death before Lorca. There are old symbols like white pigeons/flags, but it doesn't mean you can't subvert its meaning. White is a colour of mourning in Japan, not black.
If you want to inject a new meaning into something old and overused you should create the entire atmosphere.
Naturally. If I wanted to make a connection between white colour and mourning, I would use white gladioli that are symbolic funeral flowers and create a sense of loss and emptiness in a poem, where the bright, white light stabs lyrical subject in his/her eyes...

9. Using names of rock and pop icons nonchalantly, like they were your best friends, often with their name shortened.
I dislike this because a poem loses its universality, especially when it talks about old celebrities with whom newer generations lost connection. Other than that, it can be a nice poem. When I decide what to use in poetry, I always think how it will sound in distant future, like hundred or thousand years from now because I would hate to be alive in year 2500 reading a poem full of CDs, floppy disks, Lady Gaga's and minor historical references that would require footnotes with explanations.

10. No title versus pretentious title.

11. Words followed/killed by attributes. If you have rotting, don't mention worms.
Excuse Baudelaire! I'm for gothic baroque, unless you write 109 poems about death that sound the same, like Sima Pandurović - give me a break. Balance is the key.

12. Don't make a lot of neologisms, especially if you write about traditional themes.

13. My thought: can't stand A) poems in simple language with cliched expressions combined with rhymes, about B) happy lovers / pathetic lovers, full of C) optimism, humanism and dogmas.

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Ezadara
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 12, 2020 10:27 pm 
 

I can definitely agree with a lot of that. Personally not a big fan of swearing or pop culture references in poetry, and I also feel like I'm generally not big on one-word stanzas/lines (although EE Cummings is a favorite poet of mine and he's certainly no stranger to that).

A poetry pet peeve for me is the use of really extravagant and ornate language. It's a stylistic thing and I get why a lot of people would disagree with me there, but I feel poetry is at its best when it uses simple language to convey meaningful things instead of busting out a thesaurus every other word.

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gasmask_colostomy
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Location: China
PostPosted: Sun Sep 13, 2020 7:42 pm 
 

From Osore’s long message, I have plenty of hatred for 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 10 (regarding no title). Generally speaking, these are used well about 5% of the time and otherwise make the poem seem shallow and clichéd. I think I’ve used most of them except 6 and very rarely 9 (why namedrop other people? I’m famous enough), plus I MUST have a title for every poem and I don’t repeat any. Sometimes I’ll even choose the title before I write the poem.

Ezadara wrote:
thesaurus crimes

Those guys :nono: I did that sometimes when I was getting pretentious in my late teens, but now it seems pointless because none of those ornate and wacky words get any focus. I always remember a piece of advice about poetry: most of the words should “fit” well in your poem, and then you can include one or two “surprise” words to make an impact on the reader.
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Osore
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 24, 2020 12:36 pm 
 

I thought I would never manage to translate this: https://pesimum.wordpress.com/2020/07/09/butterfly-web/.
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Sedition and Pockets
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 04, 2020 5:59 pm 
 

cold nights here
and cold days coming
waning light from a guttering sun
spills its trembling hands across ancient hills
their rock ribs robed in burnished flame
and jewel-bright riots of incipient decay
draw me close, Love
skin to skin
let no chill wind pass in between
press your lips to mine as a seal
that I may not speak in tongues of Fear
whisper heartfelt silence into my ears
fill my eyes with yours
draw my gaze
from the glory of Death in full season
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Osore
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Location: Serbia
PostPosted: Sun Oct 04, 2020 11:34 pm 
 

^Nice gothic romance, I would like to read more.
------------------------------------
Jakob van Hoddis: The Visionut
Spoiler: show
Lamp do not soot.
Out of the wall drove a slender woman’s arm.
It was pale and blue-veined.
The fingers were with precious rings bepatched.
When I kissed the hand, I startled:
It was alive and warm.
My face got scratched.
I took a kitchen knife and cut a few veins.
A large cat daintily licked up the blood from the floor.
A man, meanwhile, with bristling hair crawled
Up a broomstick leant aslant against the wall

translated by Rolf-Peter Wille

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Sedition and Pockets
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 05, 2020 12:49 pm 
 

tbh, not so much gothic romance as a dysphoric ass tranny with ptsd and complicated feelings about the season, but big girl is getting laid and now I'm talking about it
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gasmask_colostomy
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Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 5:38 am
Posts: 1648
Location: China
PostPosted: Wed Oct 07, 2020 10:39 am 
 

Osore wrote:
I thought I would never manage to translate this: https://pesimum.wordpress.com/2020/07/09/butterfly-web/.

This was sort of like reading a list of crossword clues (from the cryptic crossword, do you do that?) written for the Halloween edition of some magazine. Quite nice atmospheric quality but a little bit jumbled up in the sense of things. I know you're aiming to tie and up and conceal, like sweeping the meaning under a big pile of rotten leaves, though I'd like it to flow a little better too.

Sedition and Pockets wrote:
cold nights here
and cold days coming
waning light from a guttering sun
spills its trembling hands across ancient hills
their rock ribs robed in burnished flame
and jewel-bright riots of incipient decay
draw me close, Love
skin to skin
let no chill wind pass in between
press your lips to mine as a seal
that I may not speak in tongues of Fear
whisper heartfelt silence into my ears
fill my eyes with yours
draw my gaze
from the glory of Death in full season

Well, although it obviously wasn't supposed to be a "gothic romance", it does have that feel of high emotional drama filtered through a very specific sepia lens. If you hadn't capitalized only love, fear, and death, it might read a bit more subtly, but I get this is the end of movie and the ground is shaking and the camera is falling over and the autumn is blowing everything away in all sorts of manners, so why would you want it to be subtle, right?


I recently got a poem published in an anthology :hyper: Think it's one I shared here, should be searchable as 'The Chasm Closes' in this thread. However, I get a sort of sentimental pang as the mood changes and have been thinking about my grandparents. This poem was one I wrote a year or two ago, quite obviously about my grandads; one died when I was about 15, but had Alzheimer's so bad I didn't really know much of him, and the other died the year I came to China and I didn't get to see him at last. A lot of the poem is references to their lives and personalities, but hopefully reads coherently without that knowledge.

Grandfather Clock
Spoiler: show
Two men living down a well.
Cut off, in the dark.
Blundering blindly, getting locked in toilets,
leaving eternal tears in cardboard football pitches.
Getting into places unimaginable.
Striding into restaurant kitchens to find answers,
groping into midnight wardrobes, primed to urinate.

A clock ticks on in the hallway,
shedding seconds, minutes, years.
One man hears nothing, one hears it only.
One man hears Morse code at four in the morning.
SOS. SOS. Get up. Boil eggs.

Two men taking a short walk.
To pay the papers, presumably.
Coming back with a pint glass,
leaving it in the fridge.
Since it fits so well in the hand.
The well runs with dark water,
drained like clockwork.

A clock ticks on in the hallway
and the little boy is unnerved.
One man takes him on his knee,
one man starts up a poem.
There was room on the raft for one.

Two men putting on old clothes.
Clothes that make them old.
Loose underpants, stained shirts,
dressing gowns that have a history like a weary king’s.
Wearing them out.
The well shaft deepens and narrows,
and the little boy is looking down.

The clock stands stopped in the hallway,
two hands left pointing athwart.
A young man stares, hears it again.
That rhythmic knock is in the wood
of that old grandfather clock.
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the dismal stench of The Chicken Bone Gallows on the Plains of Mediocre Desolation was unleashed upon the unsuspecting world by the unholy rusty lawnmower molester horde that is Satan's Prenuptial Charcuterie from the endless field of tombs that is Butthill, Alabama

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Osore
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Joined: Thu Apr 10, 2014 9:55 am
Posts: 597
Location: Serbia
PostPosted: Wed Oct 07, 2020 3:42 pm 
 

gasmask_colostomy wrote:
Osore wrote:
I thought I would never manage to translate this: https://pesimum.wordpress.com/2020/07/09/butterfly-web/.

This was sort of like reading a list of crossword clues (from the cryptic crossword, do you do that?) written for the Halloween edition of some magazine. Quite nice atmospheric quality but a little bit jumbled up in the sense of things. I know you're aiming to tie and up and conceal, like sweeping the meaning under a big pile of rotten leaves, though I'd like it to flow a little better too.

I'm not sure if translation does justice; in the original, the structural flow is undisturbed, so it reads like ordinary prose (no elliptic sentences, shifting of persons). When it comes to disturbed flow of meaning(s), my goal was to have the atmosphere in the front only with indications of what's underneath, as usual. It would appear like casting of spells if I was spiritual. I want for my poems to stand as blurry awe-inspiring aquarelles, like late Monet with hints of blood. XD
Since you know what the title stands for, contrasting the struggle in the first two paragraphs with ambiguous ending where lyrical subject examines an old photograph and ends in some sort of fiesta should lead to the question of whether butterflies (moments of happiness) can be truly grasped and last almost indefinitely, or the procession goes with human heads on spikes (as opposed to butterfly webs) [''bubbly outlines'']. Sabirni centar (A Meeting Point) is a reference to a film of the same name, and putting it before fešta (fiesta) makes you wonder if death should be celebrated or even ridiculed, because the film is defined as fantasy/comedy-drama.
To answer your question, I don't do crosswords and I can understand if my poems are frustrating to solve.
Quote:
Mallarmé: To name an object is to suppress three-quarters of the enjoyment … to suggest, that is the dream.


gasmask_colostomy wrote:
I recently got a poem published in an anthology :hyper: Think it's one I shared here, should be searchable as 'The Chasm Closes' in this thread. However, I get a sort of sentimental pang as the mood changes and have been thinking about my grandparents. This poem was one I wrote a year or two ago, quite obviously about my grandads; one died when I was about 15, but had Alzheimer's so bad I didn't really know much of him, and the other died the year I came to China and I didn't get to see him at last. A lot of the poem is references to their lives and personalities, but hopefully reads coherently without that knowledge.

Grandfather Clock
Spoiler: show
Two men living down a well.
Cut off, in the dark.
Blundering blindly, getting locked in toilets,
leaving eternal tears in cardboard football pitches.
Getting into places unimaginable.
Striding into restaurant kitchens to find answers,
groping into midnight wardrobes, primed to urinate.

A clock ticks on in the hallway,
shedding seconds, minutes, years.
One man hears nothing, one hears it only.
One man hears Morse code at four in the morning.
SOS. SOS. Get up. Boil eggs.

Two men taking a short walk.
To pay the papers, presumably.
Coming back with a pint glass,
leaving it in the fridge.
Since it fits so well in the hand.
The well runs with dark water,
drained like clockwork.

A clock ticks on in the hallway
and the little boy is unnerved.
One man takes him on his knee,
one man starts up a poem.
There was room on the raft for one.

Two men putting on old clothes.
Clothes that make them old.
Loose underpants, stained shirts,
dressing gowns that have a history like a weary king’s.
Wearing them out.
The well shaft deepens and narrows,
and the little boy is looking down.

The clock stands stopped in the hallway,
two hands left pointing athwart.
A young man stares, hears it again.
That rhythmic knock is in the wood
of that old grandfather clock.

Great, I'm glad a poem with black metal vibes has found its way in the anthology! ;) Time flies, I remember the exact time I was reading it last year.

Grandfather Clock is a profoundly sad poem. Stylistically, perhaps you should have avoided to repeat clock in a poem several times because it stands in the title. This time, sentences aren't shaped like elegant snakes; shorter rhythm suits the ticking of the clock. It reminded me of the time I was very little and visited a neighbour with my grandmother - they had a clock with a cuckoo that jumps in and out every hour.
I better not write a poem about the grandfather I never met; he died when my mother was 13 and did a horrible thing I can't say publicly or write about explicitly. I think the right time to write about dark family dramas will be when my parents die or when I get old.
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Ezadara
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Joined: Thu Dec 28, 2017 10:32 pm
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 15, 2020 3:13 pm 
 

gasmask_colostomy wrote:
I recently got a poem published in an anthology :hyper: Think it's one I shared here, should be searchable as 'The Chasm Closes' in this thread.

Congrats!

Quote:
Grandfather Clock
Spoiler: show
Two men living down a well.
Cut off, in the dark.
Blundering blindly, getting locked in toilets,
leaving eternal tears in cardboard football pitches.
Getting into places unimaginable.
Striding into restaurant kitchens to find answers,
groping into midnight wardrobes, primed to urinate.

A clock ticks on in the hallway,
shedding seconds, minutes, years.
One man hears nothing, one hears it only.
One man hears Morse code at four in the morning.
SOS. SOS. Get up. Boil eggs.

Two men taking a short walk.
To pay the papers, presumably.
Coming back with a pint glass,
leaving it in the fridge.
Since it fits so well in the hand.
The well runs with dark water,
drained like clockwork.

A clock ticks on in the hallway
and the little boy is unnerved.
One man takes him on his knee,
one man starts up a poem.
There was room on the raft for one.

Two men putting on old clothes.
Clothes that make them old.
Loose underpants, stained shirts,
dressing gowns that have a history like a weary king’s.
Wearing them out.
The well shaft deepens and narrows,
and the little boy is looking down.

The clock stands stopped in the hallway,
two hands left pointing athwart.
A young man stares, hears it again.
That rhythmic knock is in the wood
of that old grandfather clock.

I don't think the repetition of the word 'clock' and terms involving it is a problem here. I may be wrong, but I read it as emblematic of the way people move on but the things that remind us of them linger-- of how they leave behind little parts of themselves in everyday things, like clocks. That's what the repetition put in mind for me, at least.

The twilight months of 2020 continue to be kind of a dry spell for me (for fiction because I just haven't had the time, for poetry because I just haven't been in a real poetic mood I guess). This is about the only thing I've written in the last month; I might revisit it later with a fresh eye, the general themes and ideas are there but I have a sense the structure could be better.

Spoiler: show
In paths that they have not known

Was it out of mere love that Ishaq stayed
all his days and nights in that land by the sea?
Was it only love whose promise decided
the course of his years before they were lived?
Lifetimes I spent singing, the way a drunkard
sings, lost in the haze of drink-- dreaming,
the way a saint dreams of a pilgrimage to death--
until that day, at daybreak, I opened my mouth,
and the voice that sang was yours; that night,
I slept, and all the colors in which I dreamed,
every shade belonged to you. For that alone,
I would have loved you-- for that alone,
I would have believed, somewhere in the mornings out there,
in the warmth of summer and the vastness of years,
the sun would rise, the sea would swell,
and we would walk, hand in hand, out
into the wide open wilderness of Faran,
and no man or God could presume to tell us
which way led to the promised land,
and which way led to nowhere at all.

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gasmask_colostomy
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Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 5:38 am
Posts: 1648
Location: China
PostPosted: Sun Oct 18, 2020 8:01 am 
 

Osore wrote:
like late Monet with hints of blood

Well that's just gorgeous.

Osore wrote:
Grandfather Clock is a profoundly sad poem. Stylistically, perhaps you should have avoided to repeat clock in a poem several times because it stands in the title.

Funnily enough, not as sad as it sounds because I tend to view my memories as very positive things, even though they came from bad times or difficult situations. It was supposed to have a kind of gravity and distance though, that ticking in the hallway was supposed to feel very hollow and distant. I agree that the repetition to that extent may not help - I hate repeating unless it serves a very direct purpose, like the repeated structure here - and I could have played a little more with some 'hands' or 'face' overlaps too.

Ezadara wrote:
I don't think the repetition of the word 'clock' and terms involving it is a problem here. I may be wrong, but I read it as emblematic of the way people move on but the things that remind us of them linger-- of how they leave behind little parts of themselves in everyday things, like clocks. That's what the repetition put in mind for me, at least.

It's a fair reading, not exactly what I would call it but relevant. That centring on the clock was kind of a metaphor for how my grandfathers never seemed to change, despite all of the exploits I detailed about them (the stolen beer glasses, 4am eggs, and pissing in the wardrobe are all sadly true), which may just be how children view old people. The second point you made - about how certain things linger - was very much of my mind, since I've found that even years on from those memories, they keep leaving a deeper and deeper imprint on me.

Ezadara wrote:
The twilight months of 2020 continue to be kind of a dry spell for me (for fiction because I just haven't had the time, for poetry because I just haven't been in a real poetic mood I guess). This is about the only thing I've written in the last month; I might revisit it later with a fresh eye, the general themes and ideas are there but I have a sense the structure could be better.

In paths that they have not known
Spoiler: show
Was it out of mere love that Ishaq stayed
all his days and nights in that land by the sea?
Was it only love whose promise decided
the course of his years before they were lived?
Lifetimes I spent singing, the way a drunkard
sings, lost in the haze of drink-- dreaming,
the way a saint dreams of a pilgrimage to death--
until that day, at daybreak, I opened my mouth,
and the voice that sang was yours; that night,
I slept, and all the colors in which I dreamed,
every shade belonged to you. For that alone,
I would have loved you-- for that alone,
I would have believed, somewhere in the mornings out there,
in the warmth of summer and the vastness of years,
the sun would rise, the sea would swell,
and we would walk, hand in hand, out
into the wide open wilderness of Faran,
and no man or God could presume to tell us
which way led to the promised land,
and which way led to nowhere at all.

This one feels finished to me, unless there's a specific purpose in altering structure. All your "general themes" are indeed in there already: religion, journeys, passing time, the sea. I still can't get enough of the way you wind up a sentence, like it's a stream rising a little to the summit of a hill, and then pouring all the meaning out in a long flow until it ends up in a pithy final phrase. In a totally different way to Osore's writing, your subject is also often buried beneath all your themes and it's hard to say exactly where the poet stands in everything.
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Napero wrote:
the dismal stench of The Chicken Bone Gallows on the Plains of Mediocre Desolation was unleashed upon the unsuspecting world by the unholy rusty lawnmower molester horde that is Satan's Prenuptial Charcuterie from the endless field of tombs that is Butthill, Alabama

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Osore
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Joined: Thu Apr 10, 2014 9:55 am
Posts: 597
Location: Serbia
PostPosted: Mon Oct 19, 2020 5:12 pm 
 

gasmask_colostomy wrote:
Osore wrote:
Grandfather Clock is a profoundly sad poem. Stylistically, perhaps you should have avoided to repeat clock in a poem several times because it stands in the title.

Funnily enough, not as sad as it sounds because I tend to view my memories as very positive things, even though they came from bad times or difficult situations. It was supposed to have a kind of gravity and distance though, that ticking in the hallway was supposed to feel very hollow and distant. I agree that the repetition to that extent may not help - I hate repeating unless it serves a very direct purpose, like the repeated structure here - and I could have played a little more with some 'hands' or 'face' overlaps too.

Right, it's not the elegy per se, although it makes me feel bad about ungraceful ageing, and the mere thought about potential disease like Alzheimer or cancer freaks out the borderline hypochondriac in me.
-----
Let's meet the 17 year old me. It is the 30th of September 2011, 8 o'clock in the morning. I have the first writing exam on the third year in the secondary school. The last two years saw me writing essays on capital works of literature, what can I expect now? Essay on Modernist poetry for sure. French or Serbian?
Professor enters. Hush; soon the white chalk reveals the title in Cyrillic cursive across the green board: What makes people unhappy... (Шта људе чини несрећним...) ''I expect for you to be creative and innovative,'' she said. I stared at the green board and white walls for a few moments, had a vision and started writing. It was the first time I was writing indirectly about the subject matter, and from that time I established the formula of my hermetic endeavours. You can read the prototype of hermetic prose here, translated surprisingly successfully by Google translator, which speaks of its simplicity (I like to think my language is now dressed in a more elegant manner): https://pesimum.wordpress.com/2015/01/1 ... i-nesrece/.
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gasmask_colostomy
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Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 5:38 am
Posts: 1648
Location: China
PostPosted: Fri Oct 30, 2020 1:44 am 
 

Osore wrote:
Let's meet the 17 year old me. It is the 30th of September 2011, 8 o'clock in the morning. I have the first writing exam on the third year in the secondary school. The last two years saw me writing essays on capital works of literature, what can I expect now? Essay on Modernist poetry for sure. French or Serbian?
Professor enters. Hush; soon the white chalk reveals the title in Cyrillic cursive across the green board: What makes people unhappy... (Шта људе чини несрећним...) ''I expect for you to be creative and innovative,'' she said. I stared at the green board and white walls for a few moments, had a vision and started writing. It was the first time I was writing indirectly about the subject matter, and from that time I established the formula of my hermetic endeavours. You can read the prototype of hermetic prose here, translated surprisingly successfully by Google translator, which speaks of its simplicity (I like to think my language is now dressed in a more elegant manner): https://pesimum.wordpress.com/2015/01/1 ... i-nesrece/.

Well, it definitely seems like an early progenitor of your current style. You're still using the same shades of imagery, so to speak, black and white and grey words with occasional flashes of cold blue and green, though I think using more concrete nouns has improved your work and enriched it rather than sucked out the philosophical core. If we are still comparing to black metal, this is probably your "ambitious demo stage".


This one perhaps needs editing, but I'll post it here anyway. The idea is a conflation of two very different things that I experienced at the same time, one in a Viking history book and the other in real life, both summarized in the middle line.

Punishment

As a sign,
arms flung out to the elements,
a body lies;

etched on his back
a flurry of scars,
claws ripped deep
to crown a bloody eagle,
healing old aches;

inflicted with care,
tiny hands that gouged away
stress and strife
in intimate show;

remembers her own strength,
a gift for therapy
wielded excessively.

Masseuse and the ghost of a warrior.

Remembering his old strength,
a gift for treachery
wielded successfully;

in intimidating show,
brutish hands that gouged away
skin and flesh;

inflicting with care
a membrane of scars
to uncrown with bloody eagle;

swords rip deep
to heal old wounds
weighing on his shoulders;

lungs dragged out to the elements
as a sign -
a body never lies.
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Napero wrote:
the dismal stench of The Chicken Bone Gallows on the Plains of Mediocre Desolation was unleashed upon the unsuspecting world by the unholy rusty lawnmower molester horde that is Satan's Prenuptial Charcuterie from the endless field of tombs that is Butthill, Alabama

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Osore
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Joined: Thu Apr 10, 2014 9:55 am
Posts: 597
Location: Serbia
PostPosted: Sun Nov 01, 2020 5:18 am 
 

^ Is masseuse aware of this poem? XD I like your analogy with torture method, but I'm not sure she would be delighted.

-----------------
Dada Manifesto
(5th February 1920)
Georges Ribemont-Dessaignes

TO THE PUBLIC

Before going down among you to pull out your decaying teeth, your running ears, your tounges full of sores,

Before breaking your putrid bones,
Before opeing your cholera-infested belly and taking out for use as fertilizer
your too fatted liver, your ignoble spleen and your diabetic kidneys,

Before tearing out your ugly sexual organ, incontinent and slimy,
Before extinguishing your appetite for beauty, ecstasy, sugar, philosophy,
mathematical and poetic metaphysical pepper and cucumbers,

Before disinfecting you with vitriol, cleansing you and shellacking
you with passion,

Before all that,
We shall take a big antiseptic bath,
And we warn you
We are murderers

(the following was translated by Osore from Serbian translation)

of all of you newborns
And to finalise there is a song
Kee Kee Kee Kee Kee Kee Kee
Here is the god-horseman on a nightingale
He is beautiful, he is ugly -
Mrs, your jaws smells of procurer's milkyness.
Morning -
Because in the evening it seems to be the buttocks of angel in love with lily -
It is nice, isn't it?
Goodbye, my friend.
----------------

There is also a great manifest by Paul Dermée that is translated to Serbian as Dada ubi-bog (Dada kill-god), but I couldn't find the English translation.
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Ezadara
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Joined: Thu Dec 28, 2017 10:32 pm
Posts: 621
PostPosted: Sun Dec 20, 2020 7:29 pm 
 

Boy, this thread sure has fallen to the wayside. Anybody been writing lately?

gasmask_colostomy wrote:
This one perhaps needs editing, but I'll post it here anyway. The idea is a conflation of two very different things that I experienced at the same time, one in a Viking history book and the other in real life, both summarized in the middle line.

Punishment

What aspect of it do you think needs editing? I'm digging the repetition of the theme of kindness and cruelty wielded like weapons and the visceral imagery of the blood eagle (which I have to admit I think I only know because of Midsommar... Who says Hollywood can't be educational?)

Haven't had much in the way of either time or inspiration for poetry the past couple of months, but I decided to really push myself to come up with something today, and for an extra challenge, I forced myself not to rely on my usual devices (the sea, the desert, nomadism, journeys). I found myself a little exasperated with how same-y my writing's gotten lately, figured it was about time to stop retreading the same old trails. Hopefully this manages to do that.

Spoiler: show
Absolute Knowing

You ask how far it is from here to Karbala--
you who stand in the place where joy and death
became one and the same. What could be greater?
The chest you beat in mourning is a shrine;
the sins you grieve are blessings in disguise.
Your long, sleepless nights are tombstones
in remembrance of things best left behind--
of redemption, of self, of right and wrong.
And if these words strike you as heresies,
then see for yourself--
sing the old songs, recite the old verses,
seek in them the knowing of the seen and the unseen,
to say those words that cannot be said
by those who say them--
to learn that knowledge that cannot be known
by those who know it.

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