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colin040
Metal freak

Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2007 6:00 pm
Posts: 5531
Location: Netherlands
PostPosted: Tue Feb 09, 2016 5:43 am 
 

The idea of death frightens me to a certain degree. The idea of my grandparents, my parents and eventually myself (assuming it will happen in that order) passing is somewhat bizarre to me.

I agree that the idea of your parents dying at one point is terrifying though. Assuming mine will die at old age, they've still got many years to go yet I can't help but feel anxious about it sometimes.

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stefan86
Metalhead

Joined: Mon Nov 08, 2004 11:52 am
Posts: 1047
Location: Sweden
PostPosted: Tue Feb 09, 2016 6:12 am 
 

I'm more afraid of the concept of aging than the concept of death. 30+ just feels like a useless void that I won't be getting anything out of, and the rest is even worse. It's pretty sick how I am slowly creeping towards being the top generation in my family, when most people barely lost their grandparents.
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Foulchrist
Metalhead

Joined: Thu Jan 12, 2006 3:25 pm
Posts: 647
Location: Scotland
PostPosted: Tue Feb 09, 2016 11:12 am 
 

About the job centres not being helpful, I find that a bit worrying as someone who walked into one for the very first time just last week with hopes of improving my situation. All they did is refer me to some other organization who I'm waiting for a call from, to see where it goes from there.

It's sorta fucked up, because right now I'm receiving benefits due to mental health issues and this permitted work scheme (limited hours and amount earned per week) will mean that I'll have more disposable income doing essentially 2 full shifts per week than when I was working almost every day. So while I absolutely want to move on when I'm ready to do full time employment, it's going to be hard to come to terms with doing far more hours and having a lot less to spend. I'm thinking too far ahead though, we will see where it goes.
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Jonpo
Hypercolombowler

Joined: Tue Jul 31, 2007 10:05 am
Posts: 7062
PostPosted: Tue Feb 09, 2016 1:54 pm 
 

Jonpo wrote:
I'm the happiest I've ever been right now...I'm acutely aware that because it involves another person it may be VERY VERY temporary.


Ohhhhh me from however long ago. You were so right. I fucking hate you.
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Erosion of Humanity
Destroyer of the Gods

Joined: Thu Sep 13, 2012 5:12 pm
Posts: 5569
Location: Schaumburg, Il
PostPosted: Tue Feb 09, 2016 3:19 pm 
 

Don't fret Jonpo. I'm not gonna feed you lines of shit about keeping on or anything like that. But if it ain't right then it ain't right and you'll find someone else.
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Jonpo
Hypercolombowler

Joined: Tue Jul 31, 2007 10:05 am
Posts: 7062
PostPosted: Tue Feb 09, 2016 3:42 pm 
 

I know you're right. I just have a real bad habit of going too far, too fast. I made some assumptions about this one based on her relationship with her ex and they aren't quite playing out.

Thank you though. I just wanted to update my deliriously happy original post to something more realistic!
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BasqueStorm
Metal freak

Joined: Wed May 26, 2010 2:21 pm
Posts: 4090
Location: Turks and Caicos Islands
PostPosted: Tue Feb 09, 2016 3:51 pm 
 

Jonpo wrote:
I know you're right. I just have a real bad habit of going too far, too fast. I made some assumptions about this one based on her relationship with her ex and they aren't quite playing out.
Thank you though. I just wanted to update my deliriously happy original post to something more realistic!

That sucks but seems like EVEN YOU knew something.
P.S: I'm just in the opposite position. Let's see how it works!

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Erosion of Humanity
Destroyer of the Gods

Joined: Thu Sep 13, 2012 5:12 pm
Posts: 5569
Location: Schaumburg, Il
PostPosted: Tue Feb 09, 2016 5:25 pm 
 

Jonpo wrote:
I know you're right. I just have a real bad habit of going too far, too fast. I made some assumptions about this one based on her relationship with her ex and they aren't quite playing out.

Thank you though. I just wanted to update my deliriously happy original post to something more realistic!


No worries homie. And just fyi I do the same thing, in fact I did it just recently too and fucked up a decent friendship that I had going on. And I will say this because it seems like you might be a lot like me in other aspects as well; there's nothing wrong in looking for long term commitment. So often as men we're expected to be "a guy" and "do typical guy stuff" but I think that's shit. I'm not like that at all and I never will be, just be you and you'll find the right chick even if you do move to far to fast, she'll understand when you meet the right one. And don't forget you have to be ok with yourself before you can make a relationship work. That's been my fatal flaw all these years, I was never ok with myself.
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stefan86
Metalhead

Joined: Mon Nov 08, 2004 11:52 am
Posts: 1047
Location: Sweden
PostPosted: Tue Feb 09, 2016 5:46 pm 
 

The frustrations of shameless, incompetent, useless fucking idiots and the misery they impose on others. Damn :(
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Back Stabbath
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Jun 11, 2013 2:15 am
Posts: 402
Location: Terra Nullius
PostPosted: Tue Feb 09, 2016 6:24 pm 
 

stefan86 wrote:
I'm more afraid of the concept of aging than the concept of death. 30+ just feels like a useless void that I won't be getting anything out of


To be honest with you, at 38 I'm way happier than I ever was. Some friend of mine said "the 30s is when you find yourself" and if that is the case the first half of mine was mispent, I had way more direction in my 20s. But now I'm completely over the superficiality that is typical of 20 somethings (no offense to pretty much most of the board, I'm generalising*) and I feel like I am totally my own person with nothing to prove to anyone with the relative experience to back up that statement. Saying that would of been empty posturing when I was younger. Sure I miss the constant sex and shit like that of being in my 20s, but now all my social (and sexual) relationships are actually mature and not just some weird post teenage social experiment. I've also gotten rid of the useless dickheads in my life.

*I blame society, the Tyler Durden speech is true.
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MikeyC
Official Greeter of Broken Hills

Joined: Wed Jun 14, 2006 5:16 am
Posts: 13857
Location: Australia
PostPosted: Tue Feb 09, 2016 9:41 pm 
 

stefan86 wrote:
I'm more afraid of the concept of aging than the concept of death. 30+ just feels like a useless void that I won't be getting anything out of, and the rest is even worse. It's pretty sick how I am slowly creeping towards being the top generation in my family, when most people barely lost their grandparents.

I hope you're wrong, since I'm less than two months away from turning 30. I'm happier now than when I was turning 20 by immeasurable lengths, so I wouldn't worry about it, mate. I don't know/can't remember how old you are now, but your thirties are some of the best times of your life: old enough to be earning decent money, young enough to feel youthful and not be restrained by old age. :)

Jonpo wrote:
I know you're right. I just have a real bad habit of going too far, too fast. I made some assumptions about this one based on her relationship with her ex and they aren't quite playing out.

Thank you though. I just wanted to update my deliriously happy original post to something more realistic!

Everything that Erosion said is right: you shouldn't be discouraged or dissuaded from the way you move in relationships, and you will find a woman that will be okay with it. :) Sorry it didn't work out this time, but it will in the future.
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droneriot
cisgender

Joined: Sat Aug 28, 2004 1:17 pm
Posts: 8594
Location: Spahn Ranch
PostPosted: Tue Feb 09, 2016 10:08 pm 
 

Holy fuck my 20s were a useless void and I feel my life is just getting started. I think I have it backwards. :lol:
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Paganbasque
Veteran

Joined: Thu Dec 24, 2009 9:28 am
Posts: 3941
Location: Basque Country
PostPosted: Wed Feb 10, 2016 2:52 am 
 

Erosion of Humanity wrote:
And don't forget you have to be ok with yourself before you can make a relationship work. That's been my fatal flaw all these years, I was never ok with myself.


This, this....THIS!!

I started to be a happier person when I realized that I didn't need another person with me to be happy. As a sort of magic girls started to be interested in me after some sort of crisis, and now I am quite happy with the relationship I have.

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Acidgobblin
Metalhead

Joined: Sun Sep 27, 2009 7:56 pm
Posts: 2495
Location: Antarctica
PostPosted: Wed Feb 10, 2016 3:52 am 
 

droneriot wrote:
Holy fuck my 20s were a useless void and I feel my life is just getting started. I think I have it backwards. :lol:


Not at all, I experienced complete abyss in my 20's, just fucking ridiculous wasting-of-life, achieved very little, gained hardly anything except problems... TBH, I too only really got started in my thirties. I refuse to accept its ever too late because its not :)
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MikeyC
Official Greeter of Broken Hills

Joined: Wed Jun 14, 2006 5:16 am
Posts: 13857
Location: Australia
PostPosted: Wed Feb 10, 2016 4:05 am 
 

Yeah, I agree. Droneriot, I think you have it normal, not backwards. :) Most of my 20's were a complete failure and now that I'm about to hit my 30's I think I'm finally learning how to do life.

It's never too late. Never, ever too late. Good words, Acidgobblin. :thumbsup:
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Expedience
Metal freak

Joined: Wed Aug 27, 2008 4:22 am
Posts: 4551
PostPosted: Wed Feb 10, 2016 4:57 am 
 

I kind of have the feeling that everyone has a crisis point sooner or later. This isn't a religious observation but a practical one. Those successful in their 20s (whatever that might mean) might have a breakdown of some sort when they find that what they've built up around them doesn't fully accord with their youthful ideas of happiness, which are bound to change anyway. It might be a good thing to get it out of the way earlier while you can change it.

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stefan86
Metalhead

Joined: Mon Nov 08, 2004 11:52 am
Posts: 1047
Location: Sweden
PostPosted: Wed Feb 10, 2016 6:04 am 
 

Back Stabbath wrote:
To be honest with you, at 38 I'm way happier than I ever was. Some friend of mine said "the 30s is when you find yourself" and if that is the case the first half of mine was mispent, I had way more direction in my 20s. But now I'm completely over the superficiality that is typical of 20 somethings (no offense to pretty much most of the board, I'm generalising*) and I feel like I am totally my own person with nothing to prove to anyone with the relative experience to back up that statement. Saying that would of been empty posturing when I was younger. Sure I miss the constant sex and shit like that of being in my 20s, but now all my social (and sexual) relationships are actually mature and not just some weird post teenage social experiment. I've also gotten rid of the useless dickheads in my life.


I'd just like ten bonus years to do everything properly, feels like I'm fairly on track.. but definitely not on track for a 29 year old. My mental restraints cost me a lot of time and I wasted many years on a useless relationship. I don't really have any issues with myself as a person, it's generally just the regret of these mistakes and how they cast a huge shadow over my current life (especially my relationship). Many people I know seem to have found their calm and their home turf so to speak, I feel like I've barely begun. Future predictions feels like a mish mash of old person health problems and young person mental problems, with a bitterness topping out of this world.
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Jonpo
Hypercolombowler

Joined: Tue Jul 31, 2007 10:05 am
Posts: 7062
PostPosted: Wed Feb 10, 2016 10:02 am 
 

Thank you guys. We actually broke up and got back together last night. A lot of what Erosion said hits home. I definitely don't move or operate like your typical dude. I will say that I was single for most of my life and had plenty of time to figure my own shit out. Didn't have my first real relationship until I turned 28.
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Church13
Metal newbie

Joined: Sat Nov 24, 2012 12:26 am
Posts: 395
PostPosted: Wed Feb 10, 2016 4:14 pm 
 

MikeyC wrote:
The very first thing I thought of was complex bereavement disorder. It's natural to mourn over the loss of a loved one, but if it's still negatively affecting you on a daily basis two years later, there might be something unresolved about the whole issue. From what I've learned, complex bereavement disorder comes about when you aren't sure how to properly grieve a death (for example, an ex-partner). How was the relationship between you and your mother?

Just because you're considered the strong one doesn't mean you have to keep putting on the brave faces for everyone. Eventually it will be telling. Don't be afraid to talk to someone if you need to. :)


Oh hey man, thanks for the thoughts. I was incredibly close with my mother because she had a few injuries that ate up the last 13 years of her life with chronic pain, 12 surgeries, countless appointments, etc. I was a teenager and the last kid living at home, while my dad was working all the time to pay her bills, so I helped her out as much as I could. I don't want to over-dramatize anything, like I don't miss work because of it and the actual stress and sleep loss of having a 2 year old and a pretty intense job don't help. Just a combo of it all giving me a good ass whooping perhaps

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MikeyC
Official Greeter of Broken Hills

Joined: Wed Jun 14, 2006 5:16 am
Posts: 13857
Location: Australia
PostPosted: Wed Feb 10, 2016 6:04 pm 
 

Church13 wrote:
MikeyC wrote:
The very first thing I thought of was complex bereavement disorder. It's natural to mourn over the loss of a loved one, but if it's still negatively affecting you on a daily basis two years later, there might be something unresolved about the whole issue. From what I've learned, complex bereavement disorder comes about when you aren't sure how to properly grieve a death (for example, an ex-partner). How was the relationship between you and your mother?

Just because you're considered the strong one doesn't mean you have to keep putting on the brave faces for everyone. Eventually it will be telling. Don't be afraid to talk to someone if you need to. :)


Oh hey man, thanks for the thoughts. I was incredibly close with my mother because she had a few injuries that ate up the last 13 years of her life with chronic pain, 12 surgeries, countless appointments, etc. I was a teenager and the last kid living at home, while my dad was working all the time to pay her bills, so I helped her out as much as I could. I don't want to over-dramatize anything, like I don't miss work because of it and the actual stress and sleep loss of having a 2 year old and a pretty intense job don't help. Just a combo of it all giving me a good ass whooping perhaps

It seems like you dedicated over a decade of your life to being there for her, so her passing would've been a huge kick in the guts when all you knew was care. The "ass whooping" is a good metaphor. :) I think in time it will be okay. It's been two years so you might be asking how much longer it will take, but with a relationship as proximate as you and your ill mother, it will take a long time to get over. You may never truly get over it, either, so prepare for that possibility. You will likely get to a point where she will always be in your heart, but no longer in your head. :)
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Back Stabbath
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Jun 11, 2013 2:15 am
Posts: 402
Location: Terra Nullius
PostPosted: Thu Feb 11, 2016 12:12 am 
 

stefan86 wrote:
I feel like I've barely begun.... with a bitterness topping out of this world.


Believe me, it is the way of the world. Add some lemon and lime to the bitterness, get yourself a nice drink, enjoy.
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Rainbow
Metalhead

Joined: Thu Aug 22, 2002 10:52 pm
Posts: 461
PostPosted: Thu Feb 11, 2016 10:13 am 
 

I always think of that Tarantino line about how he got laid 10000x more in his his thirties than his twenties. I'm 30 now and I hope to fuck I can make that true for myself as well - and I did pretty well in my twenties.

"But Rainbow, surely you can't equate getting laid to happiness!!?!"

Actually, think about it. If you're getting laid a lot with different people - you must be doing something exciting or leading an interesting life in some respect. So good for you. I recently left a very stable relationship a few months ago with a beautiful girl because I felt it didn't give me life that flexibility to pursue anything - safety and security isn't exciting. That's never been the life I wanted. I tried it out. Didn't mean much to me.

I'm not preaching excessive or destructive behavior. But you gotta burn through this reality with real passion for something. And that passion should be a force unto itself, regardless of what/who is around you.

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MikeyC
Official Greeter of Broken Hills

Joined: Wed Jun 14, 2006 5:16 am
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Location: Australia
PostPosted: Thu Feb 11, 2016 7:02 pm 
 

Rainbow: for some people, safety and security is everything. A friend of mine wants a long-term girlfriend because he wants stability and structure in his life, and he gets lonely and upset frequently. I can tell that, for you, that's exactly what you're trying to avoid, and that's totally cool. :) Different people want different things.

So are you going to try and, uh, beat your record for getting laid in your 20's? :P
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Napalm_Satan
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Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2015 4:27 pm
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 11, 2016 7:23 pm 
 

Seeing as recently played music reflects and accentuates my mood... yes, I am happy! Reviewin', revisin', Chinese food right here, got some Saint Vitus on... all is well in my world, for one glorious moment of clarity.

Just thought I would speak my mind, it always makes me feel better.
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MikeyC
Official Greeter of Broken Hills

Joined: Wed Jun 14, 2006 5:16 am
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Location: Australia
PostPosted: Thu Feb 11, 2016 7:29 pm 
 

Napalm_Satan wrote:
Seeing as recently played music reflects and accentuates my mood... yes, I am happy! Reviewin', revisin', Chinese food right here, got some Saint Vitus on... all is well in my world, for one glorious moment of clarity.

Just thought I would speak my mind, it always makes me feel better.

That's awesome, dude. :thumbsup: Chinese food is also awesome.
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stefan86
Metalhead

Joined: Mon Nov 08, 2004 11:52 am
Posts: 1047
Location: Sweden
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 4:00 am 
 

Finally releasing some music shit after virtually years of incompetent people and life being in the way, and a gig on top of that. WINNAR :)
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Back Stabbath
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Jun 11, 2013 2:15 am
Posts: 402
Location: Terra Nullius
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 5:13 am 
 

Rainbow wrote:
I'm 30 now and I hope to fuck I can make that true for myself as well


Any ladies on the board... WE HAVE A BABY TRAP SET.
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Festivus
Metalhead

Joined: Wed Jun 04, 2014 4:26 pm
Posts: 1304
Location: Portugal
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 5:43 am 
 

stefan86 wrote:
I'm more afraid of the concept of aging than the concept of death. 30+ just feels like a useless void that I won't be getting anything out of, and the rest is even worse. It's pretty sick how I am slowly creeping towards being the top generation in my family, when most people barely lost their grandparents.

I'm only 25(profile says I'm 26 because it only takes the year I was born into account and not the month and day), but 30s and beyond kinda creep me out a bit. Not exactly the hitting 30 part, but mid-30s and how close to 40 they are. Because when you're in your 20s, you still have time to experiment with certain jobs and might be able to go back to university easily and take another degree or a masters in case you realize you didn't get a bachelors you like after all. But in your 30s, you're already meant to have picked your career. So I guess if you reach your early 30s not having a very great job that pays very well, it probably means you're not gonna make much money or have a very stable career throughout your life.

And ofc, there's the whole thing about your body ageing and your health deteriorating. Obviously having healthy habits can make things easier but still hard to counter your genes. Especially if your family has a history of cancer, heart disease, diabetes or something like that.

Although most people I've met in their 30s seem to be pretty happy and claim to be in their prime. As in being wiser and more mature but still fairly fit in physical terms. Of course if you watch professional sports, you'll think that a 33 year old football winger is an old man... but your average 33 year old man doesn't have to run fast back and forth during 90 minutes + extra time on a weekly basis.

I honestly wouldn't mind dying at 40-50 if you asked me if I could pick age to die. But when I get to that age(if I do), I'll probably change my mind unless I'm very unhappy.

Something I can not see myself ever partaking in however is marriage and having kids, especially the latter. I've never cared about passing my last names, since I'm not exactly overtly proud of my "clan". I'm alright with being the last one of my family line.
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droneriot
cisgender

Joined: Sat Aug 28, 2004 1:17 pm
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Location: Spahn Ranch
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 8:53 am 
 

You should look forward to your 30s, you get wheeled around by hot nurses who give you sponge baths, make a joke every time about getting your Viagra - the young things love that! And it spices up the time between Bingo games and the sharing of war stories with your friends.
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Paganbasque
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Joined: Thu Dec 24, 2009 9:28 am
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Location: Basque Country
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 10:48 am 
 

Festivus wrote:
But in your 30s, you're already meant to have picked your career. So I guess if you reach your early 30s not having a very great job that pays very well, it probably means you're not gonna make much money or have a very stable career throughout your life.

Something I can not see myself ever partaking in however is marriage and having kids, especially the latter. I've never cared about passing my last names, since I'm not exactly overtly proud of my "clan". I'm alright with being the last one of my family line.


About the first paragraph I hope you are wrong because I am still hopeful that I can get something better, not much better but a little bit. Anyway the fact that this is the sort job and the salary I will have for the rest of my life is quite depressing.

About having kids, I think that is important not to let die the family line but I have very big doubts about it. Firstly I dont see myself capable of facing the numerous challenges which come with a baby and having enough patiente and letting all my hobbies or a great part of them aside. Secondly, I cant imagine having a family with my current income, I cant just pay a flat for alone , let alone pay all the bills which come with a baby.

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Festivus
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Joined: Wed Jun 04, 2014 4:26 pm
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 12:48 pm 
 

Paganbasque wrote:
Festivus wrote:
But in your 30s, you're already meant to have picked your career. So I guess if you reach your early 30s not having a very great job that pays very well, it probably means you're not gonna make much money or have a very stable career throughout your life.

Something I can not see myself ever partaking in however is marriage and having kids, especially the latter. I've never cared about passing my last names, since I'm not exactly overtly proud of my "clan". I'm alright with being the last one of my family line.


About the first paragraph I hope you are wrong because I am still hopeful that I can get something better, not much better but a little bit. Anyway the fact that this is the sort job and the salary I will have for the rest of my life is quite depressing.

About having kids, I think that is important not to let die the family line but I have very big doubts about it. Firstly I dont see myself capable of facing the numerous challenges which come with a baby and having enough patiente and letting all my hobbies or a great part of them aside. Secondly, I cant imagine having a family with my current income, I cant just pay a flat for alone , let alone pay all the bills which come with a baby.

Well, I shouldn't have claimed it as a fact since I'm only 25, but it's just that I've heard that a lot of times and also that companies tend not to take you very seriously in your 20s, even if you're already nearing 30. I guess it's that vicious cycle of employers wanting people that are both young and quite experienced.

Furthering the family guy is mostly the human instinct thing of not wanting to let the species die, deep down. But I see no need for that in my case. I don't like kids and have always been the youngest in my family. My older brother isn't married nor does he have kids either, so no nephews here either. Someone who doesn't like or care about kids like me just wouldn't make a good father. And like you, I wanna have time and money for my hobbies and free time. Which is also why I wanna remain single forever. It'd be cool to get a gf who's into a lot of the same stuff, I wont' deny that, but I've always been the lone wolf type and can't imagine just falling in love for someone.

Your attitude is the right one. Sadly, lots of people who aren't financially very well off, tend to have kids, sometimes even more than one, which only makes them struggle more. Kinda ironic how dirt poor people tend to have loads of kids. As a parent one should make sure that their kids are gonna be raised in a healthy family environment where money also isn't an issue in order to provide them with basic stuff such as food and housing and then toys, video games, clothing, education, health, etc.
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droneriot
cisgender

Joined: Sat Aug 28, 2004 1:17 pm
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Location: Spahn Ranch
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 12:59 pm 
 

Paganbasque wrote:
Firstly I dont see myself capable of facing the numerous challenges which come with a baby and having enough patiente and letting all my hobbies or a great part of them aside.

On that, I know from a lot of real life examples that most guys aren't ready to be a father until the moment they first see that little thing. Like a switch in the brain being flicked. I have eight nephews and one niece, but I'll never forget the look in my brother's eyes when my first nephew was born, it was a deep desire to have that in my life some day ever since.

Which brings us back to the 30s subject and time waiting for no one...
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Festivus
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Joined: Wed Jun 04, 2014 4:26 pm
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Location: Portugal
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 1:12 pm 
 

droneriot wrote:
Paganbasque wrote:
Firstly I dont see myself capable of facing the numerous challenges which come with a baby and having enough patiente and letting all my hobbies or a great part of them aside.

On that, I know from a lot of real life examples that most guys aren't ready to be a father until the moment they first see that little thing. Like a switch in the brain being flicked. I have eight nephews and one niece, but I'll never forget the look in my brother's eyes when my first nephew was born, it was a deep desire to have that in my life some day ever since.

Which brings us back to the 30s subject and time waiting for no one...

You might be right on that one. I'm sure most pregnancies are somewhat "unwanted" or "accidents". But if the wife suddenly impregnates, then I guess she and her husband just pretty much say "oh what the heck" and decide to have the kid. I mean, most people who get married usually plan on having kids sooner or later, even if more people nowadays might get married just so they can have more tax benefits and visit their spouse at the hospital any time among other things which might make their lives easier.

And yes, tons of people swear when they're young that they'll never get married or have kids, and end up changing their minds eventually. But nowadays it's more common not to have kids. Just look at the divorce rate and fertility stats in developed countries. In countries like Portugal and Italy people used to have loads of kids soem decades ago, and nowadays the fertility rates in those countries are pretty low. Same for Japan and South Korea(well, those 40M of South Koreans had to come from somewhere). Obviously this is cyclical and who knows if people wont' go back to having more kids in 2-3 decades, but by then the current young adults won't be young adults any more.

But there's also plenty of people who don't want to have kids ever and stick by that. I've talked to a guy before who's in his early-mid 30s, married and doesn't want any kids because he and his wife struggle enough already, so if they had a kid they'd have to "eat dirt to survive" to quote him. And he also joked at how a kid might end up being a bad person in the future and give his parents a lot of headaches. Obviously, according to that logic, we'd take no risks whatsoever in life, but I can't really blame the guy for having such lingering fear either.

Plus, there's also the increased pressure on women. Us guys can be 50 and father a baby, but women have that biological clock ticking, which makes couples realize "okay, it's now or never" I suppose.
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chaossphere
Metal Lunatic

Joined: Sun Nov 10, 2002 11:49 pm
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Location: New Zealand
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 5:16 pm 
 

I'm pretty happy ever since I stopped assuming that I should be. No expectation = no disappointment.
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Acidgobblin
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Joined: Sun Sep 27, 2009 7:56 pm
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Location: Antarctica
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 6:00 pm 
 

I read a bit about people thinking that there is a specific life-path that all must have travelled and that to have done differently is a sort of failure. We are all living longer these days and, accordingly, we will be working for longer too. All stages of life now seem to be elongated, so that the 'age of discovery' that was traditionally adolescence has been pushed back into our twenties, and the 'age of stability', traditoinally beginning in our 20's has been pushed back into our 30's. I don't think there is any reason for anyone to assume that they must have their life sorted out by the time they turn 30. In fact, I've found it much easier to 'achieve' things in my 30's, because I feel less concern about meeting social expectations and am more inclined to simply do right for me and mine. Getting too concerned with following the beaten path is totally useless. There are many, many ways to skin a cat. If you are in your thirties, life is not over for you!

Festivus wrote:
even if more people nowadays might get married just so they can have more tax benefits and visit their spouse at the hospital any time among other things which might make their lives easier.


I can't really make head nor tails of this. Are you saying that people are getting married to their partners to avoid the inconveninece of not being blood related and the possible ramifications that can have when/if their partner needs visiting in hospital?? I don't know why people get married but I am reasonably sure its not for that reason...
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Festivus
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Joined: Wed Jun 04, 2014 4:26 pm
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 7:35 pm 
 

chaossphere wrote:
I'm pretty happy ever since I stopped assuming that I should be. No expectation = no disappointment.

Aiming low isn't a bad tactic. I think people sometimes expect way too much out of life. People need to realize that the media isn't an accurate portrayal of real life and that even rich peopel and celebrities have issues.

Acidgobblin wrote:

I can't really make head nor tails of this. Are you saying that people are getting married to their partners to avoid the inconveninece of not being blood related and the possible ramifications that can have when/if their partner needs visiting in hospital?? I don't know why people get married but I am reasonably sure its not for that reason...

My point is, marriage clearly gives couples lots of benefits, the two I've mentioned being two big examples. Marriage isn't just related to religion nowadays, so I doubt a non-religious couple that marries outside of Church will do it just for the sake of ceremony/tradition.
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Acidgobblin
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 11:56 pm 
 

^Its a stretch to say being able to visit your spouse in hospital, complication-free, is a benefit of marriage rather than simply a possible fact :lol: but I get your point. I find the idea of marriage to be somewhat strange. I can't see any truly compelling reason, other then religious, that would make people feel it is a requirement. And I don't understand the religious reasons either...Control of sexuality shouldn't really be a concern for the state these days, so I don't really understand the benefits the state accords marriage. There isn't evidence that being married makes one a better person, but there is a huge assumption that marriage is inevitable and natural and the fact of it should be seem as objective and foundational to civilisation. Of course, if it makes you happy, and marriage often seems to, it is a beautiful thing. But, to me, I've devalued it for the imaginary and less than ideal formula for life that I think it is...

I've been in a long-term relationship since I was 21 and I am 33 now. It has been, admittedly, on and off but its 'felt' fairly continuous. I don't think being married would have helped us much through our difficult times, except to morally compel us to remain in a damaging situation. The flexibility of our relationship is perhaps what has saved it...
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Festivus
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 13, 2016 6:42 am 
 

I don't care about it either, but for argument sake, if I've ever met a woman I loved dearly then I'd possibly consider marriage. After all if we both loved each other a lot and were already living together, might as well get married in order to gain some benefits while we're at it. One isn't obliged to marry through Church where I live, btw.
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Colmillos
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Joined: Sat May 24, 2014 3:47 am
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 14, 2016 4:42 am 
 

I've been following this thread for a bit now and it's reassuring to see everyone helping each other along. So hopefully, I hope to share my story but I don't want to be judged harshly, although, I wouldn't blame anyone if they did.
Can I say I'm happy? No.
Can I say I'm unhappy? No.
I think I'm in limbo, to be honest. I'll tell you the dirty details because I don't want to mislead anyone.
I'm 22 years old now and I've already fucked my life up. The way I did it would take years to repair in addition to the last couple of years I've spent working on myself.
Like some people on here, my problems started with a girl. Met her when I was 16 and we gave each other those delusions of forever and thought we had love. We were the same age and she got pregnant at 17. Accidentally, of course. I helped her the best I could through it all, saving and scrimping what money I could to make it easier. My parents carried us through it all by making the big purchases.
From when I was a little kid, my dream was to always enlist in the US Army after high school but she talked me out of it because she was pregnant with our child and a friend of mine who went in came back with a severe case of PTSD that ultimately claimed his life and that scared her as it was a possibility for me. The loss of that dream made me angry to the point where I began physically abusing her for months until she got the courage and left me, taking my son with her while I spent the weekend in jail.
At first, I was angry but I was given court ordered anger management classes and biweekly meetings with a counselor which helped me come to terms with what had happened. The counselor diagnosed me with PTSD due to the events that happened. My charges were dropped because I was responding well to the treatment. What I did should've ruined my life. I was suicidal that entire summer and fall of 2012 but my mother told me I was given a second chance and not to waste it. I enrolled in college classes and attended three semesters of it just mere credits away from an associates degree in general studies. Never went back but you'll find out why later.
Took me a long time to build up the courage to speak with her but I had to in the end to be in my sons life. She was scared of me and rightfully so but she wanted me in his life and beared it up. She moved back to our home state so I would travel 8 hours one way to see her and my son and her family had every right to chase me away for what I did. It hurt, seeing only glimpses of my son in person and forced to watch him grow up without me. I'd wake up in the middle of the night and breakdown at least three times a week during this period. I missed my sons first birthday, Halloween, Christmas and that tore me up bad.
The first year passed and I was released from my anger management but it wasn't anger I felt at that point. It was despair and emptiness. I wanted them back in my life but I knew and accepted I didn't deserve either of them. This sent me down a path where I began abusing my antidepressants and experimenting with drugs, letting my life go while hooking up with easy women and doing stupid shit, basically. When I look back at this period, I think I was looking for a way to die but was too cowardly or something to do it myself.
Then in summer 2013, she informed me she was moving on with her life with a new boyfriend but I could be in my sons life. She said she waited too long for me. Funny thing was, I didn't know we were even considering getting back together. I begged over the phone for one more try but was denied. It felt like that direction for my life was closed but again, I felt I deserved it.
It was at this point where I realized I had to make something of myself and moved out of my parents house to the big city which helped kick my addictions because it made me realize what was important. I cashed in my comic and action figure collection to pay for the first month down payment and rent. I found a job doing something I am good at but wasn't strictly legal. It allowed me to work from home but didn't allow a lot of spending money which was where I began picking up CD's at pawn shops and second hand stores. Gave me something to do besides wallow in my self pity.
These past two years I've been bouncing from job to job, mostly day labor work and recently completed the practical stage to become an EMT. That filled me with hope and eagerness because I'd be able to afford to help my now three year old son. Oh yeah, I moved back home to my parents place last summer because of the EMT classes being free here.
So most of my 2015 was undoubtedly the best year I've had in too long. Earlier this week I failed my NREMT exam for the second time and now only have one more chance to get it. If I don't, I won't have the job I want and being an Indian reservation, jobs are scarce and as such, I'm currently jobless. Being here is also being closer to my son who I've been seeing more.
His mother, who I don't know if I love or not, has moved on and is happy with her current boyfriend. My son recognizes me as his father which is the greatest thing I could get because I feel I don't deserve to be his father and have been absent for the majority of his life.
Anways, I can't tell if I am happy or not. Some days I wake up and feel I can take on anyone and anything. Others, I don't have the strength to get out of bed for more than a few hours. No relationship prospects as im trying to make my son the priority in my life.
So if you take the time to read this, I'd appreciate someone giving their thoughts and be honest. I know I'm a piece of shit for what I did. But I also feel I've learned from it. Before, I'd get angry when I'd lose in a video game. Now, I can laugh it off. Try again.

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MikeyC
Official Greeter of Broken Hills

Joined: Wed Jun 14, 2006 5:16 am
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Location: Australia
PostPosted: Sun Feb 14, 2016 5:35 am 
 

I read it all.

Firstly, you recognise that physically abusing your then-girlfriend was not right, and you are making amends for it. While that incident will always stick to you like napalm, it's something that has happened in your past and your entire character shouldn't be judged on an emotional incident. You appear to still be kicking yourself over it, and I can understand why since it means a missed chance of a family, but you're hardly a "piece of shit" for trying all you can to repair the situation and feeling genuine remorse. You can't make her be with you anymore, because it seems that ship has sailed, but she's still allowing you to be in your son's life which is still pretty great.

It did sound like you had some anger issues earlier in your life. I'm not about to start wildly guessing where they came from, however I think you've done the correct thing in getting some anger management classes, even if they were court ordered. It appears to have set you on a path to controlling your anger in healthy ways, which can only be a good thing in terms of navigating life.

Furthermore, you were a teenager, which is a pretty volatile time for anyone (I was a teenager once...). Getting your girlfriend pregnant at 17 likely wasn't in your plans, but you're not the first and definitely won't be the last to do that, even if it was accidental. The events of a wild teenager shouldn't disrupt what you were planning to do with your life, despite having a son. In fact, you're basically free again to try going for what you want (I don't know what the NREMT is, but if you have one more shot, make it count!).

Lastly, you said: "I'm 22 years old now and I've already fucked my life up." Have you? I don't think so. There may have been some unwise decisions but everyone has them. At 22, your life has barely begun. You have lots and lots of time to go for what you want to do and succeed at it. Your parents seem encouraging and helpful so I would take advantage of their kindness (not in a bad way) and maybe they can continue helping you take control of what you want. You definitely have not fucked your life up - you only see your incident with your ex as the be-all-and-end-all, which it isn't - and there's literally years of opportunities awaiting you.

:thumbsup:
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