Lifelong C-PTSD sufferer here. I guess I hung in there ok last year (hyper-vigilance during a pandemic isn't actually a bad thing), but the terminal loneliness/killing emptiness is finally starting to get the best of me this year.

These past few weeks are really, really not helping my always precarious mental health. Three weeks ago, grandpa got severe jaundice. Tentative diagnosis late-stage pancreatic cancer, prognosis a couple weeks to a few months at best. Scan made to confirm. Huh, no, it isn't pancreatic cancer, but the bile ducts definitely are blocked. Probably gallstones. Prognosis much better. Laparoscopy w/ attempt to remove them if possible. Fuck, it *is* cancer, twice over--just not pancreatic as originally assumed. Chronic lymphatic leukemia + tumor on bile ducts. Prognosis several months to a year. Second laparoscopy attempt. Stent successfully placed. Grandpa seemingly recovering well. Nope. Collapses twice next day. Internal bleeding. Prognosis a week at best. Mutual decision made between doctors and grandpa to stop further treatment. Couple hours later, internal bleeding ends up somehow stopping on its own. Prognosis currently utterly unclear.

Can't even visit him in hospital, thanks to the lovely pandemic we've got going, either.

Does anyone find that if they're in a really down state they don't want to listen to any music?

Yes, which makes me feel worse, because music is one of the best things in the world, imo. Fortunately it usually doesn't last too long and I get back into the swing of listening.

I can't derive any enjoyment from music during affect dysregulation/emotional flashbacks (extreme levels of uncontrollable, continuous anger/anxiety). Everything pretty much aggravates me when I'm in such a state. I'm pretty sure depression has its hand in my long-standing musical burn-out (which fluctuates somewhat in severity). When I feel like shit, I usually just listen to nothing these days.

In a really down state, I can hardly even move my ass off the couch/bed. (Or, once every few years, it might be the floor.)

In a kinda down state, music can be quite effective. Not in the sense that it makes the shit feelings go away, but more like...the feelings themselves can make the music much more powerful and relatable.

edit: Also, there are those rare times when music I "enjoy" actually manages to give me creepy feelings. Sometimes it's just...borderline unpleasant, a sort of melancholic nostalgia.* This often happens with music that made its earliest and deepest impressions on me when I was a lot younger ('teens and early 20s). Much less frequently, it'll involve a sort of sick rumination on death, loss, decay, and so on.

*My favorite word for this is "saudade."

Some people use music as a catharsis for when they are in a down period, but I find personally it just doesn't seem to work that way for me, with a very few exceptions.

Music can be cathartic for me with sorrow, but not for depression. I consider the two different, even though they are often coexist and it can be difficult to differentiate between the two.

Anger is the thing I'd love to find something cathartic for, but in such a state, all music just pisses me off and makes me more angry. Despite all the hatred and anger inside me, I have very little desire to listen to angry, violent, or aggressive music.

Stress/anxiety kills music for me more than anything. I sometimes go long stretches of having no desire to listen to anything, so I could blame that on depression. My depression levels are relatively stable/suppressed and have been for awhile, thankfully. I do think some degree of anhedonia/emotional numbing has reduced my enjoyment of all music across the board. Not completely though. I find new music, esp. a new genre, sometimes bypasses this (for now).

If music gets associated with a negative memory for me, that can potentially ruin it. Fortunately, I'm finding some music I listened to back in the mid-late 90s has been extricated from some negative memories/emotions, so I'm able to listen to a lot of that stuff again. Unfortunately, most things from the last 15 years has been totally corrupted. I use music as a litmus test for emotional improvement, so if certain albums don't trigger a cascade of negative emotion or I got my original feelings towards it back, that means something inside me healed.

Yeah, anxiety just rules out music for me entirely. In fact it rules out pretty much anything pleasurable, as I'm sat there preoccupied with worrying.

Been wanting to take my mental health much more seriously lately. I used to see therapists when I was in middle school, and a psychiatrist for a brief period in high school. The last few months have pushed my anxiety to its absolute limits. I purchased a home with my wife this year, and throughout the entire process I had a constant fear that something was going to fall through and we would be homeless (our lease was ending just 8 weeks after we got the contract and we could not renew.) Then we caught Covid near the middle of January in the midst of it all, and that only added to my anxiety/stress levels. I spent most of February in a dark room with the shades drawn, escaping into music, film, and other distractions. I was also afraid of undertaking the largest commitment of my life in homeownership, and all the responsibilities that come with it. I was a nervous wreck.

But I made it. Been moved in since the 1st of March, and the clouds have started to lift. I've never drank alcohol, taken drugs or any other intoxicants in my life, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't understand the function of those vices when I just wanted anything to take the edge off. But I just grit my teeth and pushed through it, and I'm glad I did. I hate change, I hate breaking up my routines, and fuck do I hate the feeling of growing up, but I just force it.

But I think I should finally seek out a therapist and get serious about taking care of my mind. I felt like I was very close to losing control, and talking to a professional and maybe a little medication could have saved me a little sanity.

Yup, and when I try to listen it just doesn't feel right.

I've finally decided to seek professional help, but it seems like most psychologists are fully booked, at least the ones in my area. Currently, I'm struggling with a lot of doubt, specifically doubting that my issues aren't actually real and that I am doing this to myself for some reason, I acknowledge that this is a stupid thing to be going back and forth with myself about but something in my mind disagrees and it won't leave me alone. It's almost discouraging me to seek help, I spend hours looking up symptoms to see if what I have matches up with people who actually have mental disorders. It's truly exhausting and I can't stop it, even when I distract myself it's still there in the background of my brain. Doesn't help that I'm very self-aware of my mental illness symptoms.

That's your mind trying to trick you (to put it somewhat bluntly). I get the same things myself, although it's more of a feeling that I'm being selfish for trying to improve things given that billions have it worse than me in the grand scheme of things.

For sure. "Do I really need help, or am I just making it up out of weakness, for a reaction, to justify my laziness and immaturity (or whatever)?" - it is not at all unusual to find yourself asking questions like this when you need help. (Or even when you've been diagnosed consistently with a clinical condition by multiple mental health professionals!)

Another possibly unexpected thing about having a condition is: Sometimes you feel quite fine! Symptoms can subside, or subside for a long time. You can have plenty of good days and weeks - it need not be acute suffering 24/7. But it might be that what's problematic is a person's tendency to act in abnormal ways or experience abnormal suffering under certain circumstances (say, at work, or socializing); or a person's day-to-day emotional baseline could be in need of raising, not because it's intolerable or excruciating, but because it seems to get in the way of living life to its potential.

And even if you don't have a "condition" or what-have-you, there's nothing out-of-line with consulting a therapist if you just want a little insight and guidance with life, and feel like you've perhaps taken some wrong steps, acquired some destructive habits, and experienced some recurring setbacks and ruts along the way.

I relate to that, I do feel selfish for even considering seeking help when there's people out there in terrible situations.

I can't thank you enough for this reply, I'll keep this in mind next time I start to doubt myself again.

I got diagnosed with schizophrenia over 10 years ago. Despite my mental illness I've been doing reasonable well (I do take my meds everyday). But as of lately I got more and more troubles falling asleep. It literally takes hours before the medication (2mg lormetazepam and 300mg quetiapine) start working in the evening. I did notice that drinking some alcohol in the evening helps me falling asleep. Like it has an amplifying effect on the quetiapine.
Had a week off from work, and I didn't had 1 normal night of sleep. So this evening is filled with alcohol once more, trying to get a normal nights rest.

Gave my psychiatrist a call, explained to him that I was still not sleeping well. So he gave my some extra new pills, melatonine (3mg). They really help me falling asleep in a reasonable time frame. But they don't work to give me a deep thorough sleep. I still wake up way to early. Need to give my psychiatrist another call.

Hope it works out for ya! Not being able to sleep consistently well fuckin sucks.

Gonna bump this thread, since we've had some depression/self-esteem talk recently.

I'm sure this pandemic isn't helping people's mental health at all. Its certainly exacerbated my avoidant tendencies and fear of getting sick. I'm avoidant enough as it is (probably the worst trait of mental illness, along with toxic shame), not like I need that getting justified and reinforced.

Thanks for performing necromancy on here lol it seems more appropriate talking about shit in here anyway.

Well, I'm currently unemployed, I have had like 9 jobs since last year, all because I'm addicted to Alcohol, I can't drive because I totalled my old friends car, as well as my exes car I owe 800 dollars to the county of Walworth County Wisconsin, and I could easily pay it, I don't know why I don't tbh, I'm just horrifically lazy I suppose, and somehow never think of it, I live with my mother, and my brothers, and due to my Alcoholism, the relationship is a little strained, though there's moments of closeness, my family had always kinda buried its feelings, so no fucking wonder every generation has an addict lol.

I'm friends with my ex girlfriend, tho it's a bad love triangle cuz she's with another guy lol, and it's so obvious she's still interested, we hang out every once in a while, and usually we end up fooling around, but she's a former alcoholic whose cleaned up the past month so it helps me to stay on the straight side having her around

I have another girl I've been with who I have a deep affection for as well, but guess fucking what, she's got a problem with drugs too, and so we're currently not on speaking terms, but I'm not worried, we always end up talking again, I'm just hoping she's staying clean, cuz I don't like seeing her like that, and also, she's a pain in the fucking ass to deal with when she's on the shit, just like me funnily enough lol

I have two close friends I talk to every day, but due to me not having a car and them being busy and not as self destructive as me these days I don't see them as often as I like, though I try to hang out with my friend who lives close by every week or two, cuz he's a good dude, I love the guy.

That's my life at this point, it kinda sucks, but at least I can come on here and discuss the best music on God's green earth

I used to be a raging alcoholic back in the 00s, but I quit that and smoking in early 2010. I think I'm more stable and less depressed nowadays, but unfortunately I have no effective coping mechanisms for the extreme anxiety and internalized rage I feel (at least alcohol gave me a reprieve from that). I'm just glad I was usually a happy drunk back then, as opposed to a jekyll and hyde one. With all the suppressed hatred and anger inside me, I feared that I'd become a total psychopath once all my inhibitions come down. Instead all that shit actually calmed the fuck down for awhile.

C-PTSD is a fucking bitch to deal with - been fighting this for decades with no end in sight. Meds don't do jack either. The last psychiatrist I saw I hated so much that I wanted to beat him into a vegetative state. God that was like 10+ years ago and I still utterly despise him. I've never been able to let go of grudges, even for minor transgressions or slights.

I used to be a happy drunk, like id get all shitfaced and be enjoying everything, but slowly but surely it became a way for me to vent out my negative feelings, I'd get drunk and just get completely angry and argumentative, mostly because I was tired of people treating me like I had no right to express myself because oh, Jeremy is just drunk again, so clearly he's just not worth hearing what he has to say, like no you fucking morons the only reason I get angry at you when I drink is because I just bury it when I'm sober, and plus you don't fucking listen to me even when I'm not fucking drinking.

I too have a lot of resentment built up towards a lot of people in my life, I'm just fucking sick of being made to feel crazy because of the way I perceive other people's actions towards me, don't think I've ever heard my mom ever say she was sorry when I said I was angry at the way she made me feel, hate to say it, I just have mostly anger towards the women in my life, not in that lame ass oh I'm really upset cuz I can't have sex thing, no because the girls I've been with are always so fucking eager to point out my flaws, ironically enough while possessing the same flaws themselves, but always a big emotional fucking mess when I decide to explain why I'm upset, never apologizing, I'm always fucking wrong, and it's really just infuriating to me.

I of course am usually at fault for something lol, I'm not even particularly angry typing that out, I'm trying to get to a point where I don't get so angry when someone does shit like that, but I just get insanely frustrated when people do such hypocritical things, and lack the ability to even reflect about it, and I'm mostly angry at myself for never sticking up for myself, and only having the balls when I get drunk, I've gotten a little better with that but it's hard cuz then I just become an asshole to everyone, but I'd rather be an unbearable fucking asshole than a total fucking bitch.

And to be completely fair, I've done each and every single thing I get mad at my lovers doing, it's just I'm tired of being the only one who admits it, because I'm a softie and I retreat easily and blame myself and everyone picks up on it, usually so they don't have to face their own problems.

I've been in a weird state of almost complete anhedonia lately. Not sure why. I was never too into a lot of common pass times (movies, TV shows, videogames, reading, socializing, etc.) but now even the stuff I did consider myself into (fanatically, even) has faded away. It's like someone earlier in the post said, getting into a super down state and not being motivated to listen to music. I feel like I've become a complete blank slate.

It's impacting my miniscule social life now too, because I second guess myself and excuse myself from interactions (no one wants to hang out with someone who doesn't contribute to conversation/answers "I don't know" or "yeah" to everything). I can't get myself to care about anything that others seem to be so worked up (positively or negatively) about.

Not sure what the hell is going on.

Best advice I can give is to go outside, now that the trees and birds are coming back. I always find it refreshing to spend some time by myself in nature. Are there any state parks near you, or any other quiet place to go for a walk?

This hit close to home. I feel the same way a lot too, the worst part is there isn't much to combat it. Sometimes it's completely random too, it could be because of the current, really depressing world environment, I think that's a big factor. It sucks when nothing seems to be enjoyable, and I've also found it quite dangerous to my personal life and health, both mental and physical. Particularly around Christmas 2020, including the few months before and after it, I wasn't going to school and didn't attend the online classes because I would stay up too late, doing nothing usually, and would wake up in the afternoon. It got to the point where I didn't get out of bed most days. I might be a lot younger than you, but I still understand how it feels and hope things get better for you.

That's something I plan to do more of once school ends.



Yeah, there unfortunately isn't much to do about it but wait it out. That's why I feel bad talking about it with anyone in my real life, it's such a non-point. Ultimately, it boils down to "Damn, that sucks. What are you going to do about it? Nothing? Oh, ok." My parents just offer boomer advice: "go outside," "exercise," and the worst "how can you not be interested in anything? you... do things." Anything more than lying in bed all day is ample evidence to debunk it all as whining in their eyes.

The environment doesn't really play a part for me. I never paid much attention to any sort of news, but I could definitely see how it could compound the issue for someone more politically minded/aware.

Thank for the kind words and I hope it gets better for you too.

Does anyone else here struggle like I do with anxiety and functioning in social situations? There's always a point where I just hit a mental block of sorts and I'm unable to carry a conversation, even if I know what I actually want to say. I always feel like such an outcast even amongst friends and that I'm being secretly judged or ridiculed whenever I say or do anything remotely awkward (or at least what I perceive as awkward). In some scenarios I've passed up on social gatherings entirely because of how overwhelming it is.

Sorry if this sounds unbearably sappy, but its just something that I've struggled with most of my life.

I know this super well. For me, it manifests as me hearing the other person, but being so wrapped up in my own head and overthinking that a significant amount of time has elapsed before I actually respond to something that is said. It comes off as rude; and often it seems the other person gets the sense I didn't hear or didn't care about what they had to say, even though that isn't the case.

Adding to that, for a long time, I've been a blank slate. Very little actual interest in anything, and on the average day, I wake up, work, eat and do fuck all the rest of the day. I don't play videogames or watch movies, and even music has lost a lot of its magic. Whatever this listlessness is effects my relationships in the sense that I come off as not having an opinion on anything. I come off as a "follower" who's content to go along with any plan/opinions being voiced around me (not a trait conducive to any meaningful relationship). It's not that I'm scared of speaking up for myself/my opinions; it's more so that at the moment, I don't have any. I don't know what you'd call this.

I want to be strong and physically fit and I put a lot of stress and pressure on myself to get there. I don't think it's healthy for my mind. I am in pretty good shape but it is the result of a lot of distress.

I think it may be a case of body dysmorphia.

Copying this from an unrelated thread:

I wish this thread was more active or something. I have thought about posting here many times, but always backed out. I am currently in the thick of the worst depression and particular few days of my life, so I have no answers, but I am willing to talk and try to relate to anyone else who is struggling. I appreciate the comments and support that people have given already.

Sorry to hear that, mate. Depression is such an insidious fog. I have had depression for over 20 years, but thankfully in the last couple of years it hasn't been quite as bad. I hope you can find a way out of your particular funk. It's not always easy.

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^Bummed to see you leave. Hope you're doing okay.

First off, my heart goes out to everyone in this thread, with everything you all suffer from, whatever it may be. The knowledge that we're not alone surely counts for something, and must be an encouragement (it is to me), even though I realize just having that knowledge doesn't really tell us how to deal with our problems. For the most part, I think, it will be trial-and-error, one day at a time. And that will be with or without professional help, medication, etc.

For me, it's actually somewhat encouraging to know there are so many here who suffer some sort of mental health problem, even if I'm also saddened by the same reality. Since I suffer also, I know all too well what some of you must go through on a daily basis. Some I can relate to more than others, but you all have my sympathy and whatever compassion I can muster in this heart of mine.

Myself, I suffer from bad anxiety/panic disorder, a touch of inherited OCD, depression (probably general, albeit technically undiagnosed as of yet), and one of my previous doctors toyed with diagnosing me bipolar type-II (I think), and schizoaffective disorder (which I forget what that one even is, tbh).

My anxiety/panic is the worst. It manifests physically, rather than being mental worry (although it can happen). Physical symptoms are said to be similar to having a heart-attack. While I've never had a heart-attack, and don't want to ever have one, I can understand if panic attacks feel like heart-attacks. For me, they feel as if I'm about to die any moment, like my body is freaking out, high pulse-rate, sweating, nausea, sense of impending doom, all that good stuff. The symptoms can vary, depending on how bad the attack is. What I call "mild anxiety" manifests as jitteriness and agitation, fear, tension, stress. That sort of thing. I'm on meds for it, but only benzodiazepines really knock it out when it gets bad.

Due to past experiences with antidepressants, I've refused to be treated with them. That's always their "go to," and it's the first one I refuse. I take Quetiapine sometimes, but it doesn't do much besides put me to sleep and usually feel dysphoric. Due to possible heart complications, I can't take just any antidepressant. They've put me on Paxil about 4 times in my life, and I've had to withdraw from it every time once I realized it was doing nothing good.... but I still got all the negative side-effects!

For some people they (antidepressants) may work, but based on my own experience and research I've done online, it appears that the percentage of people who are truly helped by them is small enough; so much so that I've decided to go an alternative route. It will probably come as no surprise, therefore, that I self-medicate. Now, don't get the wrong idea, I am seeking professional help even as we speak. I've been under a doctor's supervision for years, and although I recently lost that doctor due to moving, I'm in a program for opiate addiction and the nurses at the centre have helped me request to see a psychiatrist. It'll probably take a few months, but I'm on the list as of now.

Of course, I don't exactly know what they will be able to do for me. Besides try different meds, I'm aware of all the tricks which kind and lovely persons earlier in this thread were thoughtful enough to mention: changing one's mind little-by-little, exercise, outdoor activities, breathing exercises, and the like. Don't remember if breathing exercises were expressly mentioned, but they can be helpful somewhat.

But, I'll give it a shot, and do my best. Every day I keep trying, although this past year has been really difficult. When the pandemic hit, throughout 2020-2021 I did my best to stay strong for my wife's sake especially. Unfortunately, around Nov. 2021 I crashed hard. Been trying to get back up ever since.

Depression is my number 2 ailment. I prefer it to number 1. I wouldn't want to wish anxiety/panic disorder on my worst enemy. Depression at least feels more comfortable, more "right." Like a friend you hate to see, but who's at least predictable. The suicidal ideation has been frightening me the past few years, as it has gotten more pronounced, more detailed. Since I also have OCD (inherited from my dad), I deal with the intrusive thoughts too, and the never-ending struggle to push them out-of-mind. I'm grateful that my OCD isn't worse though, it's only a mild case. If it were any worse, it would be debilitating. Even as it is, it interferes with my daily life, it's just..... not "that" bad.

I'm not really sure about bipolar and shizoafective disorder anymore, although they may be very present, I'm not sure. I certainly have ups and downs. Sometimes they're more manageable than at other times. I'll have to bring up each one with the psych when I see them.

Since I self-medicate, I do a lot of drug research online. I figure it's best to be as smart about it as possible, if one's going to choose to be stupid (speaking only for myself here, tongue-in-cheek).

Like many here, I often feel empty, or "blank." I rarely feel anything that isn't fear, sadness, or anger. That really bothers me, because I'm a Christian (or try to be), and try to show charity/love to people.... I just rarely, if ever, feel it. Usually, I just try to do what I believe is right, to treat others as I would like to be treated, regardless of how I feel. But the fact that I feel so empty all the time is really bothersome.

Like some others, I often have trouble listening to music. When I was younger, I had music blaring all the time! Now I'm lucky if I listen to anything for a few consecutive days in a row. I also tend to listen more to my own music, I guess. Not sure why. I used to like exploring new bands, but I've just basically lost interest in music, and most other things: movies, activities, sex, you name it. Except drugs I suppose, because they actually make me feel something different than those three negative emotions. Well.... sometimes, they put me right into them too, it depends.

Anyway, I've blabbed enough. Sorry for the length of this, I appreciate the patience of anyone who read it, and I appreciate all of you too, and your individual struggles. Blessings.

Thanks for a very thoughtful post there, M_Mosher. I won't be able to touch on everything you brought up, but a couple quick reactions:

I don't have the data on antidepressants and related medications and how frequently they have positive or negative effects, and I won't try to argue one way or another about who "should" take them versus when it might make sense to refuse them, etc. - complicated questions obviously best left to the professionals. But just to describe my own experiences (again, not for the sake of making any persuasive points):

-Negatives: Apart from the obvious practical stuff (money, etc.), when I forget to take them, I often get odd tingly sensations, and pretty reliably have nightmares. It'd probably be a challenge to taper off. I'm not sure that'll ever happen...but I suppose it's enough of a mindless habit that I overall wouldn't be positively disappointed if it didn't. I just "take 'em and forget about it" at this point.

-Positives: It's quite possible/likely that they've reduced the frequency and severity of episodes. It's not as though I'm unnaturally cheerful, energetic, "high on life," or whatever, on an everyday, moment-to-moment basis; so, I can't be completely certain as to when and in what ways the medication impacts my mood and functioning. Instead I'm somewhat left to speculate - plausibly, IMO - that when I do get anxious or depressed, the medication operates behind the scenes so that "normalcy" tends to be restored more quickly and less laboriously - when I get into a nasty funk, I'll sometimes be surprised to wake up refreshed the next day, or bounce back after a few hours' diversions.

-Mixed/neutral: No alcohol! It hurts my head to have even a single drink (and is against doctors' orders anyway). Oh well. It's not like I "need" it, but I do kinda miss it now and then, and sometimes it's a bit embarrassing to say no in social settings.

On another note, I'd like to ask if and how you have found your religious views/practices helpful in regard to your mental health. My own relationship with Christianity is a complicated story, but I could still see it (and religion in general - versions of it anyway) playing a positive role in helping the individual create a more life-affirming narrative, by helping combat the sense of isolation, valuelessness, and purposelessness. Or maybe that's totally naive! There can certainly be a dark side to the stuff as well, such that "losing" one's religion would be, to quote Allen Wood, "more like losing ten unwanted pounds, or losing the mugger (or cop car) pursuing me, than like losing my keys, my wallet, or my way."

(In any case, none of this is intended to start an argument. I'm just interested in seeing people describe their experiences.)

Oh! Not at all, no worries at all, my friend. First off, you're very welcome for the post, and I thank you as well, you've brought up some excellent points and questions. It would be my pleasure to expand on them any way I can. Let's see... I'll start from the bottom up, and I apologize in advance for the length...

Well, I had to look up Allen Wood as I'd never heard of him, but seeing that he's a German philosopher, that gives me a reference point although I'm still unfamiliar with his work. The sentiment he expresses in the quote you gave is rather easy to understand though. It's a common enough thought too, the idea that (if I'm not mistaken) religion is akin to weighty baggage which it would be a pleasure in most cases (according to his view) to be rid of once and for all. In the case of something that isn't true, I'd be inclined to totally agree. However, if what one believes is the truth, then it would be problematic to be rid of it. The truth is something which comes in handy at some point! Haha...
But I've done a lot of comparative-religious study, and I absolutely get how it can look from the viewpoint of an outside observer who doesn't really get it all. How can one be faulted for not knowing what the truth is, considering all the difficulties in ascertaining the truth today, beset on all sides as we are by a multitude of distractions and deceptions? It's just easier to conclude that there is no "Absolute Truth," that truth by itself is ultimately unknowable and subjective, and the pursuit of it a waste of time in the end. Many, of course, take that view exactly. It has become rather popular in our time.
Myself though, I've never been able to be convinced by such an argument, no matter how many PhD's are in the room. Instead, I opt to fall back on what I've uncovered in my personal research, and what has happened to me through direct experience. Sometimes those of us who spend enough time searching for the truth, we begin to find more and more of it, and before we know it we're running towards it with everything we have in us, much to the dismay of onlookers who swear we're on the wrong track, headed for nothing. Driven onward by an inner sense of direction however, we continue towad the goal we perceive, overcoming obstacles in the path the best we can.

For, to be certain, we experience moments of doubt, despair, crises of faith, loss of direction. We too become mired in distraction and deceit, perhaps wallow in wrongdoing for a time, and it takes a while for us to get out and back on track again. But sooner or later, we must be back on the path, for within we know it is the only thing which gives us ultimate fulfillment: the search for God. What's more, we can perceive God. We can speak with Him, we can detect Him around the periphery, seemingly everywhere and nowhere simultaneously. Not being satisfied with the explanations of humankind to trivialize the transcendent Divine, we become aware that we are not, in fact, "merely" the product of impersonal natural forces and laws. We become aware of a Person, hidden just beyond the veil of reality, and this Person truly does communicate with us, even though the rest of the world call us insane for doing so. So be it.

Every human's path is different. I was on social media just last night, reading an account of a poor man who lost his faith completely and became convinced that neither God nor Jesus existed at all. Myself, I was somewhat horrified, because I know the experiences I've had personally; not the least of which has been many answered prayers! I can't say that God never answered my prayers, it's just the opposite: I'd be lying if I said He never did. Sure, He hasn't answered them all exactly the way I always wanted to. Sometimes He's said "No." Sometimes He's answered me in ways which made me think in retrospect that I should never have prayed for such a thing. And sometimes He's literally delivered me out of potentially disastrous situations which I had no power or control over. Once, He saved myself and my ex-wife and my mother from a hurricane. He literally moved it over, just a tad. If it had hit where it was supposed to, I wouldn't be here, I would've been underneath 20ft. of water (and I can't swim), washed out into the Gulf of Mexico. Another time, He had my current wife and I meet under strange circumstances in order to take us both out of the life we were in at that time, and bring us together quite quickly, totally changing our lives within the course of a week or two.

These are just two brief examples of the top of my head, there are many like that. He's sometimes let me sweat for a while, not knowing what I was doing, giving me time to get over myself and rely on Him rather than attempting to (badly) control everything around me, getting upset when I found that I couldn't. He's had to humble me, and chastise me for doing wrong.... but that's a good thing! The Bible says that God chastises the ones He loves like they're His children, and if someone doesn't receive chastisement, it's because they are illigitimate. Scary thought really. See, the Bible teaches that God wants everyone to be His children, but it's us who don't want to be most of the time, and so He will let us go away from him if we so choose (even though it breaks His heart).

This is a very deep subject, and I'm not sure I can go into it in greater depth without going over my allotted number of characters. But, maybe what I've said thus far has made a bit of sense, perhaps not. Again, it's a deep subject, and there's a lot to say about it. We're far from finished, haha.
Suffice it to say that I'm the first one to admit that if Christianity isn't actually true, if it's just a set of beliefs which gives us momentary hope in this life, makes us feel better, which we use as a sort of crutch.... then it is, indeed, worthless. But.... I don't believe that, not for a second. Out of all the religions I've investigated, practiced, converted to at various times, studied, only Christianity truly stands out from the rest like a sore thumb. I mean, it's Jesus' Name that is a swear word, not Buddha nor Muhammad, not Confucius nor Krishna. It's Christianity (and specifically the Catholic Church) which is the most hated in the world, and which Jesus Himself just happened to have foretold in Mark 13:13 and elsewhere.

So, to try and answer your question, what gives me hope and help with regard to my mental health is the acute knowledge of experiential truth, a truth which transcends all else in this world and is connected to a Divine Person who truly exists. The knowledge that all of this is ultimately in His hands, molded to His purpose, and for His glory alone.... that's what helps. With that understanding, it becomes possible to face the suffering He sometimes calls us to endure for His sake, and sometimes that suffering can come from within as well as without. Someday it will all be over, and my sole hope is to be with Him where He is, at my Creator's side..... though I don't deserve it at all.

So, I guess (if you'll excuse my long-windedness), it's about perspective. I see things much differently than Mr. Wood maybe. What to him is discardable, to me is indispensible. I might just say here that I do believe it is possible to arrive at a knowledge of what is true by sincere investigation. It may take time, it may take a lot of calling out to the Lord in humility (especially when you question His existence!), but persistence is the key. It's possible to come to a realization of the spirit-world through practice of the occult, many people do. Through magick, etc. It's really no different with Christianity. Rather, what one begins to find is a host of spirit beings hostile (for some reason) toward Jesus Christ and the God of Israel..... and why would that be, if neither of them existed? Possessions and exorcisms happen quite often, and are well-documented. There's more going on than meets the eye.... especially in the invisible realm!

Of course, this may sound insane, so we'll move on, haha. Sorry for rambling, but it requires some detail to explain.... and I'm kinda dumb lol.

With regard to antidepressants, I totally get you, yeah. When I was on them, I couldn't drink very much either. Couldn't take other drugs which helped more, which is why (especially the last time in 2017) I decided to come off them again. Unfortunately, I never got those even subtle positive aspects from any antidepressant I tried, and I tried 3 different ones so far. I know there's so many others, but I decided to opt for a "short-term" solution long-term, whether the professionals agreed or not. In the end, I know how I feel, and I know whether or not their drugs are helping me in the end. I'm not totally opposed to treatment, mind you, I just want to try an alternative route. My case is different, and requires a different approach. I'm hoping for a doctor that will be willing to work with me on a more experimental treatment route. We live in a time where things like Psilocybin, Ketamine, and CBD are all currently approved for use in therapeutic treatment which is resistant to other forms of treatment, or where more traditional forms of treatment might become problematic. I'd just like to try something different, something that would work in my case, rather than make me feel worse and increase the danger of me taking other substances alongside them. That's something to be extremely cautious of.

Finally, I have to say I'm glad that you get at least something out of your meds, even if it's only a little bit. Any positive is a positive. I hope they'll continue to work, and help you become better, help you "feel" better. That's what it's all about really: "feeling better." It's entirely plausible for me too, that I've become stuck in my addictive cycles, kind of in the same way as you describe taking your legit meds: "Just take 'em and forget about it." Yeah, I've probably become stuck in my own similar cycle, except that me, I use. Sometimes I can't believe it's come to that. So many years spent on this, and yet... what else is there?

Aside from the pursuit of Truth, there is only the pursuit of health, of feeling better. In the end, we just try the best we can with what we have, but trying at all is the main point. That's what matters in the end: we tried.

I don't know if any of that wall of text makes any sense, I'm so sorry. I feel rather stupid now for saying all of that, but I have to post it or else I'll erase it at this point, lol. Be well, friend. All the best to you, and many blessings.

No, not stupid at all. Very interesting and much appreciated, thanks for taking the time to respond in such depth!

A lot could be said about the good and the bad aspects of religion. I will resist the urge to respond point-by-point there and to detail my own muddled and confused "journey" (though there is a spirituality thread elsewhere in the Tavern), but I think you hit on many/most of the key bits. It's unfortunately rare, and refreshingly honest, to see religious people acknowledge so openly the difficulty, uncertainty, and complexity of their inner experience - particularly the crises of doubt, and the sense of being "looked at funny" (to put it lightly) by one's peers. At least it is in my part of the world.

To be frank, though, one thing that really makes me bristle is the idea that non-believers are to be viewed as consciously rejecting the Holiest of Holies, and ultimately damnable by their own decisions - I mean, I get that that's a "standard teaching," and that many of the alternative views (e.g. universal salvation) have issues of their own, perhaps... But this sort of thing would probably be an automatic, no-hesitation deal-breaker for me, if not for prior cultural/emotional conditioning. Ugh, it's messy stuff. (And pretty far beside the point of this thread, so, I'd better switch gears now.)

Thanks again - and hopefully have a good holiday too!