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I am the Mighty Self-Important, the All-Knowing Truth-Spitting Objectively-Opinionated master of all music and whatever I say either is an objective axiom or becomes the absolute truth as I speak it, such is the power of my irrefutable, thoroughly positivist, empiric and truly truthful word of truth. Worship me or live a lie the rest of your life. You poof.
HERE'S MY OBLIGATORY RATING SYSTEM BECAUSE ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE WANTS TO READ IT, I'M SUCH A RENOWNED REVIEWER PEOPLE NEED FURTHER INSIGHT INTO MY FABULOUS THOUGHTS, AND APPARENTLY NUMBERS FROM 0 TO 100 AREN'T SELF EVIDENT ENOUGH FOR SOME PEOPLE SO THEY NEED CUTESY TITLES NEXT TO THEM LIKE A KINDERGARTENER NEEDS A PICTURE NEXT TO A LETTER IN ORDER TO PROPERLY LEARN THEIR ABCS:
100%: There is no such thing as perfection, and there is room for improvement on even the most revered of works. But FUCK does this come close. Alternatively, as you'll learn later on (assuming you're enough of a numbnuts fuckhead to keep reading this to the end), this also can work as a tactical rating reserved for albums that are mighty good and yet are surrounded by nothing but mindless, unfounded vitriol.
99-90%: At worse, it's an album I will buy the moment I can afford it. At best it's a necessity. An "essential", if you will. And I hope you will.
89-80%: At worse it's worthy of a couple of listens. Do not disregard this. At best it'll make for a great addition to any decent collection.
79-70%: Look, it's not bad, but you're not missing out on anything if you decide to skip it. Might be a grower, but most likely? Neh. It's good and let's leave it at that.
69-60%: It came this close to rise from mediocrity but failed. Why? Fuck if I know, read the review ya cunt. Keep an eye on this band if it's young, but promises are worth bollocks in this economy. This is an iffy stage, often times my first impression with a future 100% starts here.
59-50%: It's not terrible, but it's below mediocre at best. Are you seriously telling me you can't do better than this? I don't believe you, you fucking bastard. Fuck you. I know you can do better.
49-40%: This is why I laugh. Why even bother? It's obvious you cannot even reach the level of mediocrity needed to not even make a bleep on the radar; that level of nothingness is way above you. You're below. On the dirt. Eating shit. It might pass as decent for people who are used to mediocrity and/or actively look for it.
39-30%: This is why I don't laugh. I can't even get mad at this. It's like getting mad at a little kid for eating glue. Come the fuck on, he's a stupid little brat, he doesn't know any better and seems to be enjoying himself, but for fuck's sake, make sure he doesn't sit near you. And make sure he doesn't reproduce.
29-20: This is why THEY laugh. The fact that they bothered is a personal insult.
19-10: This is, heh, wow. No words. Haven't heard something so bad and sad since yo momma called her father's name while I was banging her in the bum. Heyo!
9-1: This is why I cry. The absolute worst. This rank is usually reserved for albums and bands that not only disgust me musically but also harvest other, more sophisticated kinds of hatred from me. This will most likely make me forget about the music for a second and go into a tangent that might seem related at first but will inevitably encompass all that I feel is wrong with life, the universe and everything.
0: This is a special one. Much like the rating above, but with a special purpose. This is the tactical nuclear weapon of reviews. This is my special plan for this world. Used either when an otherwise 15%-to-25% shitty album is surrounded by mindbogglingly biased and/or unfounded praise, OR used only when something is so offensive, so utterly useless and terrible, so below the standards of even the most ignorant and tasteless of cunts, that I really, literally need to erase it from human history and memory, and destroy all possibility of such a horrendous mistake to reappear. Of course, it's useless because it's just a number on some text on the Internet.
¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º° AbOuT mEeEeE!!!1!°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸
Nothing is sacred. Nothing has any inherent value. Stop being such a stuckup bitch about it, you fucking twat. I endorse and encourage the heavy use of heavy drugs for all ages and purposes. The best thing about truth is that it's still true whether you believe in/accept it or not. Whenever a person is removed from their comfort zone, their critical thinking gets going. Therefore, I have made it my mission in this life to make as many people as uncomfortable as humanly possible. Institutions are inherently useless and they will destroy us. Institutions are the cancer that is killing YOU.
As a final note: