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So bad I can't choose which joke to put up here - 5%

Duisterling, August 25th, 2009

Both Vordb and Wlad are well-known figures from Les Légions Noires, mainly from black metal acts such as Belkètre, Torgeist, Vlad Tepes and Brenoritvrezorkre, or, in Vordb’s case, from the dark ambient act Moëvöt. Some of the best works by Les Légions Noires have been brought forth by these projects, and despite the many attempts, none has ever succeeded in redoing what the Legions did in their best days. So, perhaps, despite the infamous quality of LLN dark ambient, we might have good reasons to expect something worthy here; a new musical perspective on man’s darkest emotions.

Heh, or not. A horribly sounding violin plays a key role in this disaster. The first 15 or 16 seconds of silence are definitely the best there is to this demo. After the first note on the aforementioned instrument, which can be so beautiful, it is overly clear that this is really bad. I’m convinced this lad never had a violin in his hands before and that’s probably the reason why they used it. It screeches its way to the end of the track, while the rest of the soundscape is filled up by the monotonous, usual wailing and, towards the end, screaming. This vocal work resembles Moëvöt and Aäkon Këëtrëh, but than twice as bad.

This no doubt represents the other side of the Légions, which is formed by laughable failures. This is probably even worse than Vagézaryavtre, which is also a laughable attempt to… yeah, to what actually? I seriously doubt these guys took themselves seriously when working on projects like these. Considering the fact they’ve done so much better in the aforementioned black metal/ dark ambient bands, they should know like none else that this is absolutely nothing.

For clarity’s sake, I have to say I’m pretty open-minded and don’t necessarily dislike music for bad quality and I think that sometimes what is considered to be bad musicianship, could actually improve the atmosphere. For example, Aäkon Këëtrëh never tuned a guitar, didn’t play in sync at all and worked with extremely dissonant intervals. Yet, it didn’t break the music down but improved the atmosphere, simply because it’s an even better way of representing what the music is about.

Unfortunately for us, Vzaeurvbtre has crossed the line. Several lines, several times. This no longer is about representing anything in a musical way, or expressing wretched emotions by wretched sounds, this is just laughable. It might be so that this music is as horrid and negative as the subjects it probably relates to, but that’s no excuse for complete disaster; it still requires skill to translate emotions or thoughts to music properly, and that’s what this demo lacks. Avoid this like the plague; you better use your time checking out Aäkon Këëtrëh and/ or Moëvöt if you’re looking for more qualitative Légions ambient.

Tragicomical quasiatmospheric shitslit - 1%

cinedracusio, June 30th, 2006

In the title of this review I gave my description of this album. The only adjective which I do not think as being completely adequate is the first one, since this album is much more focused on the comical side, despite the members having "exorcized" their tragical feelings.
The music? Very easy to describe it. If you haven't seen that episode from Tom and Jerry, I'll tell you what we are talking about: Tom tries to make playback at a concert by putting a tape into his violin, then Jerry comes along and fucks around with Tom's tape and Tom gets his ass kicked for the horrendous noise that the tape produced. I do not know which member of the band played Tom's role and who played Jerry's role, although I believe them to having played both roles, but the result... the result... (tape fucked)... the result...
...Is a pretentious mini slice of "dark ambient", resulted from two sick minds, joined by two "tortured" moaning machines (Sylvia Saint wouldn't handle it better) and two grandiloquent violins (yuck!). The recording kicks in with the usual LLN buttplug mastersound, meaningly lo-fi noise, then the fucking violin begins to scratch my ears. Man, does it sound dumb as fuck! The chords that should have been depressive and emotional are hilarious and played rookie-style all the time. Some kind of violin leads are pulled out, but all that they do is increasing the hallucinatory laughter, screeching and completely worthless. Call it avantgarde if you want, kvltsters... The vocals blooooow all across the universe, consisting of some quiet moans and occasionally some snorts (deh, LLN tried to save some of their reputation with those). There might be some guitars involved, but I'd rather not know, other wise I get pissed off and give them a "null" rating.
What was the reason to give this shitty rating? Everything. What was the reason to give such a big nice point? Everything, because I had a pleasant time laughing my ass off. Anyone that is being curious about hearing the Brown Legions (see "Boreb" for that) get this right now!