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So Like Guyz... I Have This Idea... - 38%

orionmetalhead, October 2nd, 2009

"Ok so guyz I have this sick idea!"
Diemonium lets out a massive foreboding sigh. "What is it Thy Agony, Lord of Sickness and guitars?"
"Ok Diemonium, listen up up bazzist becauz you won't be heard practically at all anyway. Let's make an album, where every song sounds like every other song but give them different namez..."
"Hmm. T-Ag, I don't think anyone would like that."
"...And no one will be able to tell that they are the same becauz we'll play them fast like 1349 or Satyricon fast..."
"I don't think I like my bass not being audible T-Ag."
"...And we'll give them namez like "Poison... OF GOD!" and shit in Latin too. Black metal fanz like shit in Latin. Oh man, It'll be awesome!..."
"Ok. But..."
"...And Krig, we'll trigger your drumz and program them so people will think you're Frost! Yeah! This iz totally gonna rock! Now we need a band name... something no one will be able to pronounce... becauz black metal fanz like that shit... like some Native American God'z name or something..."

Well, at least the engineer mixed poor Diemonium's bass into The Sigil. Vuohivasara and their album "The Sigil" is one of those meals you should never eat, or at least try to eat, because you know that even if you get a part of it in your body, it's just going to sit there forever wasting space. It's like trying to eat milk with a fork and knife. You don't need the knife at all anyway, and as many times as you try to get some of that goopy liquid into your mouth with the fork, it just falls apart, elusive, like the songs on this album. There is simply nothing to grab onto, no really semblance of memorable melody, no hint at rhythms, just constant staccato picking and string-nibbling. With nothing solidifying, my fingers just slide through the mixture and get covered in what could only be described as 'grey matter'- the kind of food that tastes like cardboard but is less nutritious.

Though fleeting fans of 1349, pre-Sworn To The Dark Watain (Vuohivasara don't have the memorability of STTD or the ability to write as stunning and engaging riffs) and Keep of Kalessin might find the stinging taste of cardboard black metal delectable, long term adherents will find this release mostly amateur. I know that I personally would rather eat a live spider crab, newly caught from the polluted mud of the Jersey Shore than listen to this release again. Where Vuohivasara fail is in the construction of long-lasting riffs. Every segment sounds unmodified from what first came from guitarist Thy Agony's nimble little fingers.

"Hey T-Ag, I think this riff might be more contrasting if we moved it down a full step."
"...and we'll have like graves on the cover and... Did you say something Diemonium?"
"Uh, I said I think this riff might sound more contrasting if we were to move it down a full step."
"... Shut up Diemonium. The riff's already written. No need to change it!...
...dumbass..."
"I heard that you six-string cocksucker!"

Yeah, something like that. The musicianship on the release is something which I can be positive about though. All the members of the band are shown in excellent form on their instrument. Infidel Viktor Capricorn, whose name immediately makes me burst out laughing from sheer bombasticity, has a typical though strong black metal screaming and wailing style. Krig's drumming is on par with the speed and intensity of the Thy Agony's guitar riffs as is Diemonium's bass playing. Vuohivasara has a lot going for them. They just have to start writing songs that actually stick to the nerve endings in my brain.