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Surprise, surprise - 5%

Leechmaster, June 24th, 2010

When discussing a band like Six Feet Under, it can be somewhat difficult for me to uphold the appearance of objectivity due to how much I fucking hate them, so if you think I’m being unfair here, then good for you. It’s also quite the challenge simply listening to these brain-dead morons and the equally retarded death/groove inbred they spawned around a decade and a half ago. However, when hearing this abomination of a band covering legends like Slayer and Mercyful Fate, it just becomes unbearable, and is something I never, ever want to experience again.

Butchering yet another 10 tracks beyond recognition, Six Feet Under’s latest failure is the third, and hopefully final installment of the painfully abysmal Graveyard Classics, as well as the most excruciating of the three to listen to. Everything about this is just so god damn infuriating, and it makes me sick seeing so many classic songs being done such horrific injustice. As expected, it is Chris Barnes’ horrendous vocal performance which does the most damage here, and is further proof of why he is just about the worse thing to ever happen to metal. His piss-weak grunts and growls have plummeted even further down the drain, with practically no power and conviction in them, not to mention absolutely appalling diction, and those high-pitched, sneer-like shrieks which constantly make appearances are so despicable, God slaughters a baby seal every time he does one. It’s honestly like he’s just doing this for shits and giggles his performance is that laughable, and if this clown doesn’t want to put any effort into making an album, then I sure as hell don’t want to put any effort into listening to it.

The guitarist also does a fantastic job at castrating the originals into a pile of flat, dull and unmotivated drivel, injecting each track with this godawful down-tuned, mid-paced, groovy swagger. Fuck, they might as well have just cut off King Diamond’s balls personally their cover of “A Dangerous Meeting” is that limp and wimpish, along with the balls of all the other band members these douchebags have dishonored with this atrocity. The only things really adding any intensity to the album are the guitar leads and solos, which have a pretty killer tone to them, but that’s about it. Everything is just so lifeless in comparison with the originals, severely lacking the character they had, and drained almost entirely of that energy which made them so great.

Also neutering the album of any real punch, is the clear, plain sheen of the production. While it may give the instrumentation a clean, refined sound, it also sounds incredibly insipid and weak, which unlike the originals, provides absolutely no atmosphere. The drumming is terribly unconvincing to match, and is very, very lazy, especially the Bachman Turner Overdrive cover “Not Fragile.” The bass player doesn’t fare much better either, delivering a completely forgettable performance as it’s practically inaudible throughout the album’s entirety, apart from a few occasions here and there.

Given the dreadful quality of the past Graveyard Classics as well as Six Feet Under’s material in general, it didn’t really come as much of a surprise to me at how woeful this album would be, but nevertheless, this shit is inexcusably abominable, and further cements Chris Barnes’ title as the worse thing to ever happen to metal firmly in place. Definitely time for him to find a new hobby I’d say. Apart from smoking weed that is.