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Okay, so we all know the 'Ryche stopped playing music at least fifteen years ago. They suck so bad now that even the most die hard fans come prepared for a shitacular flow of raw sewage each decrepit day these braindead "musicians" decide to disease society further with a new release. But quite frankly, this is just getting ridiculous now. Dedicated to Chaos takes modern rock to a new level of worthlessness, a new nadir of utmost stupidity and apathy. Queensrÿche's got everything you need right here: groove boogie tracks, psychodelic tunes, quiet understated songs, and pop cockrock anthems. If that sounds appealing to you, then oh boy, do you have a hefty bounty of S&M pleasure comin' your way! What could be worse than a new Queensrÿche album? A really freaking long Queensryche album. Sixteen tracks and 70 minutes await you here. Who needs waterboarding? The US will be unstoppable with this in our grasp!
I'm not sure how to describe this since I'm used to reviewing music. Warning: Contents may be fatal. Imagine a mix of worthless Green Day impersonations, a rap-rock feel, U2/Coldplay elements, spacey hippie rock (the most common substance), and lyrics that encompass highly substantial issues like using a fucking cell phone. I'm serious. Look no further than "Hot Spot Junkie" for thought-provoking prose like "I'm addicted to the wifi way, I'm addicted to the wifi way" and "Retail Therapy," a song filled through and through with inspirational lines including, but not limited to, this entire verse:
"Tryin' to find a bargain on a new cell phone
Gotta talk to somethin'
Can't stand the feelin' of bein' alone too long
Without feelin' like I'm gonna come unglued
I text and I text my every thought
But I'm gettin' nothing back
I've got sixty-two apps to keep me happy"
At least those aps can replace all the friends he undoubtedly lost with this piece of crap. Wait a minute, "gotta talk to somethin'?" So wait, he has no one to communicate with so he has to talk to the phone instead? Pfft. Whatever. Back to what's important. The album is essentally comprised of three acts. It starts off as pop rock, suddenly shifts to a calm setting, and then reprises its modern pop rock origins. Needless to say, all three are equally deprived of value. Geoff Tate has the last speck of talent remaining in this band, but he's wasting his time here. His vocals come effortlessly, and they obviously hold some charm and likability, but that doesn't really matter since everything else barely resembles the Queensrÿche we all used to know and love. He doesn't try very hard either, but they could still put something of value around his distinctive sound. Now we just get stuff like "Wot We Do," which is, get ready for this one, a rap song. Don't believe me? Okay, just listen to it. You'll see.
When it comes to being the worst of 2011, Illud Divinum Insanus might have been a complete failure, but at least it was an interesting one. Dedicated to Chaos doesn't even manage to do that. Queensryche should now hold the distinction for somehow making a sixteen song album in which not a single track is good. Or decent. Or even passably mediocre. This has all the creative quality of a thirteen-year old's garage mallcore band, except that it sounds like mainstream garbage. Heres what really pisses on my hushpuppies: If Queensrÿche just admitted their complete departure from the realm of metal, we could go our separate ways and I would never have to mention or think about them ever again; but no, they're in some strange denial that this is still metallically relevant. Geoff and the boys somehow compare Dedicated to Chaos to Rage for Order and Empire. It's twenty years too late, guys, just let it go. I'll end this review with a passionate plea: please, for the love of god, please stop playing music, Queensrÿche. Let us enjoy what you used to do without tarnishing it further.