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Generic.. fucking boring. almost unlistenable - 27%

SLlMER, December 4th, 2013

I figured if Tombs did a split with this band that they'd have to be at least a little bit good.

Wrong.

If anything Planks are actually like a poor-man's Tombs, and Tombs themselves are really just sort of like a poor-man's ISIS. So there's quite a bit of poverty going on all-around with Planks' newest album, "Funeral Mouth." Aside from having one of the stupidest band names in history.. (Seriously now... "Planks"? What is this bullshit? This type of nonsense has to end soon) Planks are a totally paint by the numbers type of atmospheric sludge/post-metal band that plays by the rules. When there are so many bands overcrowding music on this overcrowded planet, who the fuck needs another generic band that just plays by the rules and does nothing more? I know I don't. Cult of Luna and Neurosis already have extensive discographies and it all plays excellently. So get the fuck out of here, Planks. Music does not need you. Swab the deck, or walk the fucking planks and get eaten by the sharks.

This has to be the dullest variation of this style of music ever, I think. The vocalist's hoarse and out-of-key hollering sounds like shit, and to listen to it is comparable to a root canal or a trip to the department of motor vehicle or some other undeniably insipid routine task that no one who's ever lived would want to do. Instrumentally Planks, are super boring and candy coat their post-sludge in an almost accessible and easy-to-swallow way. The rhythms and time signatures are so straight forward and unfaltering that this album is bound to become background music in about 2 minutes of playtime. While I've yet to try it, "Funeral Mouth" would surely make an effective sleep-aid for any person suffering from insomnia.

For instance, the instrumentation is cookie-cutter and predictable with no dynamic range in anything whatsoever, but on top of this even the production is sterile, uninteresting, and lacking in the types of dynamics that make a recording have any personalized charm. The recording is so clean, faceless, and predictable that it's actually unpleasant to hear. The lack of challenge involved in the song structures and overall conceptual ploy of "Funeral Mouth" is pretty insulting to the listeners intelligence and that's the frank and honest truth of the matter. This is very unoffensive and un-enthralling material. It's like atmospheric sludge for 13 year old girls to listen to with their mom on the ride home from the mall. To make a comparison, what Planks really sound like a lot is a watered down combination of Pelican (yawn) and that band Lento (on Denovali Records), except not as creative, developed, or generally as good as the later by any stretch, and do indeed even get shat upon by the Pelican - which is just disgraceful.

I'm not exaggerating when I say that the only track on this album that did anything for me at all was the entirely instrumental 7th track entitled, "The Spectre (Black Knives to White Witches)". So that's 7 minutes out of a 45 and a half minute album. Pretty hurting. I'm glad I didn't pay for this. There should be a new sub-genre of metal developed called "routine-metal" where every generic and unnecessary band of every sub-genre, be it death metal, black metal, sludge, drone, doom metal, thrash, grind, etc. would all be dumped into and then dowsed in vegetable oil and set ablaze to purge the purity and potency of all metal. Planks would definitely go in there.

The guys in this band, "Planks" need to increase their use of psychedelic drugs or something, because: This Shit... Is Boring.

Swab the decks.

-TheSlimeLord