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Because you bought yet another Motörhead album! Another £10 pound safely into Mr Kilmister's pocket, which he can spend on sherbet lemons, wagon wheels and whatever else the kids are into these days. You could have bought that copy of Benny Hill's Guide to Exotic Spiders you've been hankering for, but another forty minutes of rock 'n' roll from the masters just caught your evil eye. You knew Motörizer wouldn't offer much new or anything that has the band branching out like a shrubbery fueled by Special Brew and fags... but faithfully, you fed the money to the spotty and impressively fringed youth and subsequently got your rocks off, because at heart you're just a geriatric grebo trapped inside the body of an 300 year old hermaphrodite.
I have one bone to pick with Motörizer; the guitar sound is often a bit plain. Kiss of Death, though not perfectly produced, had a great mid-range crunch to the guitars but here things are just a little too drab in the rhythm sound. Phil Campbell has a great guitar sound live and on previous records (1916 and even the otherwise ropey Snakebite Love spring to mind) he sounded huge, but this is quite flat sounding. Not a horrid guitar sound by any means, just when you've got a guitarist with a killer signature sound why not let him shine? It's pretty clear that Cameron Webb is no Vic Maile, I for one would like a change in producer for next album, though the boys are probably set in their ways and probably don't want a change... I mean Phil taking his hat off last year was quite enough of a shock. Still the bass and drums sound pretty good on this one. Mikkey has never quite captured his live sound but recording at Dave 'No More Mr Nice Guy' Grohl's studio gives him a clear and round tub thumping sound. Thankfully, Lem's Stuka bass drone is still intact and he certainly hasn't had a change of heart and decided playing fretless slap bass is cool too - the Rickenbacker of Doom still slaughters its competition... not that it ever had any.
Things are kicked off with a bit of nonsensical, babbling fun in 'Runaround Man'. We get the same sort of riffs that Phil has been churning out since 'Sacrifice', but invigorated and the end result is immensely infectious. The first thing that struck me is that Lemmy's lyrics are a lot sharper here, he seems to recovered a lot of his deft wit. I've listened to this album quite a few times now and I can't find the words monkey and funky in a rhyming couplet anywhere, so that's a certain bonus. 'Teach You How to Sing the Blues' is a fairly quirky number for the band, something about it just feels a little different. I'm sure if Queens of the Stone Age put this one out and had that tall ginger fellow who used to be good drawl over it, it'd be a massive hit... but this is Motörhead, you know, that band that does 'Ace of Spades' and hasn't put out an album since. But, ginger tall fellows sell and the NME is my Qur'an and is placed higher than all other literature on my shelf, except my copy of Harry Potter signed by Dio. But yes, back to the album at hand, 'Teach You How...' is an insanely catchy low-end drone. If I was to notice a theme running through this album it would be the sheer level of catchy choruses. Lemmy has really outdone himself here. 'Kiss of Death' was no slouch for sing-along rockers, but Motörizer just seems more assured. It's almost poppy - albeit in a cunning way - but what else would you expect from a bloke who actually remembers rock 'n' roll?
You can't really accuse Motörhead of stagnating and repeating a winning formula with a song like 'Rock Out', I mean I've never heard anything quite like it. But then again my dementia is getting pretty bad. Ok, it's a blatant retreat of the 'Motörhead'/'Ace of Spades'/'Iron Fist'/'We are Motörhead' formula, but I like those songs and being a stupid brain-dead hairy I lap this sort of thing up. But here's the ground-breaking part; the opening bass part is only part is only played once before the guitar comes in... talk about pushing the boat out! But hey, this is rock 'n' roll; it doesn't need an alternative, you can't replace it and it doesn't need fucking angst and seven string guitars... you don't play Linkin Park at parties, do ya? Well, if you do I'm coming round to be sick in your bed. 'Buried Alive' is the fastest song here and though it doesn't quite cause internal bleeding like 'Sacrifice' did, it's a gem. You've got to admire the band for getting such a strong melody going at high velocity. It's actually similar to the excellent 'Down On Me' from Inferno, so another enjoyable retread with bounding riffs, but of a more subtle variety. 'The Thousand Names of God' actually is something a little different from the band, not that it's a disco song by any means. We haven't had any slide guitar from the band since the Rock 'N' Roll album (If my memory is correct) so that's a nice touch. It's one of Lemmy's more wordy exercises, in the vain of 'Orgasmatron' or 'Sacrifice', a great continuation of a theme. But these are just the standouts, Motörizer is a very solid album and enjoyable from start to finish.
So another great Motörhead record. Motörizer stays mean, stays clean and you certainly don't ask it where it's been. This is the best new record I've heard all year, no fucking two disc abominations or "Hey, they turned the snare back on" moments here. Motörizer gets better with each subsequent listen and has that hungry vitality that so many bands lack... if the new Metallica is this good, then I will actually refund everyone of you the hard-earned pocket money you spent on this.