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If I Whine Tomorrow. - 10%

PseudoGoatKill, March 5th, 2005

Can you see why I've so happily re-named this song? Just like OSS I too have been subjected to this song on the radio, or rather KRWN 92.9 to be specific. Now don't get me wrong this radio station can play some decent tunes. They also have a local rock show that plays some decent hardcore, hardrock, and metalcore. The station also plays alot of radio metal thrash.

Of course they also play a shitload of nu-metal, mallcore, and my personal favorate, whinecore.* So what's a person to do when a song such as that starts playing? Turn the station? No then I'd be subjected to Britney Spears or Outkast. Turn the radio off? That option is pretty tempting, but no like the sadist I am I actually had to listen to the song.

The first thing that came to mind was "This is an ok whiny song by Simple Plan." Imagine my dismay when I find out it's from Motley Crue. Now don't get me wrong though, I could never stand this band. I'm not like OSS that I'll defend this band to the death. Of course the only other song I've heard is "Smoking in the Boys Room", which is itself a bad song but not as horrible as this.

I'm not even sure how to describe the music in my usual manner. The vocals are extremely whiny, shit I'd take In Flames over this crap anyday. I have reason to believe that the guitar riffs were written around one string, and possibly for effort they played a few powerchords. The bass is non-existant, and the drums are, well good fucking lord I can drum to this and I'm by no means a drummer. It just sucks plain and simple.

There is another horrifying thing about this song too. I know I've heard this song before a few years ago. The lyrics might have been differant, but the guitar parts and drums were pretty much the same.

Now obviously Motley Crue is doing this so they can meet up with Max Calvara, In Flames, and dare I say Mayhem? in the land of Cash Grab. So because of this I'm offering some ways they can make lots and lots and lots of money.

1. Piss in a cup and sell it on EBay. There would thousands of people that would pay big money to own a cup of Motley Crue piss. Please, just don't ask what they plan on doing with this though. Money Earned: $0-$5000**

2. Perform the ultimate kvlt masquerade. This one's easy but requires some careful planning. Don't worry with my plan the band will make lots of money. First the band needs to secretly make a kvlt black metal band and record one album. One of the band members should fake a suicide. I suggest doing this by stuffing himself with harberino peppers and then puking and shitting blood all over the place. Have the other band member take a picture of this and put it on the album. Now give this to a very close friend and have them make very few copies on vinyl, and have them sell it on EBay. Cha-ching! You get the money and run, and no one is the wiser.*** Money Earned: $0-$20,000 (depending on the stupidity of the kvlt kiddies.)

3. Become total sellouts. Change the band's name to something like Blood Duds, Plastic Can, or Whine Sell Kill. Get other bands such as Linkin Park, Nickleback, Noise Therapy, Good Charlotte to write your songs. Perform these and tour these into the ground. Make merchindise and sell it like crazy! Money Earned: Wow like millions and millions of dollars!!

3b. Hell they should become the lowest of the bunch, they should become a boyband! No that wouldn't work, the Crue isn't boyband standards. Money Earned $0

Yep kiddies, MC have now gone to the land of Cash Grab. If this trend continues then wave bye bye to metal as we knew it.

Motley Crue "If I Whine Tomorrow" 10/100 for the sickenly catchy parts.

* No whinecore is not my favorate

** Estimated money earned. It really depends on the sheep-I mean the people

*** Yes I'm mocking Mayhem, shove off if you don't like it.