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Grand finale: Lich King vs. Manboobs! - 10%

cinedracusio, May 13th, 2008

Had to give a smaller percentage, this was way too idiotic to get those magnificent 35 points! Expect a big null for your sophomore insult to good taste, Manboobs, I mean Lich King.

Attention, people, be it pricks or oldies, homeless dicks or Hollywood stars, thrashers or nonthrashers! This is the Shroomie Control Center here, responding to the nonsensically ferocious jaws of praise that grabbed this album and don't let it go! I mean, yeah, I saw fine albums bashed by otherwise fine reviewers, and now I see chunks of uselessness praised by fine reviewers! I guess that Hulk sniffed some glue and started this thrash band.
I am a fan of the ol' good Bay Area sound, and I don't have problems with humour in music or rawer production. "Then this album should have done the trick!" Noooo, go trick your nuts and hit 'em with a truck, it would give much better results than this album.

Round 1: Raw Production enters the ring, it looks pretty grizzly, it's trebly, it's razor-sharp, it's thrusting its fist towards you!!! But wait, what was that? Oh, no! Raw Production's arch nemesis, Tone Thinness, along with her older sister, Idiotically Thin Guitar Tone, jump in front of Raw Production! So exciting! What is happening right now? Raw Production is beaten to the ground and gangbanged by the two vile characters! What a manky mode to end such a promising fight and knock Raw Production values off!

Round 2: The Skvllfvcking Riffz Gang is hotter than ever! They promised us a masterful display of old-school techniques in order to determine the listeners to bang their heads and bite their tongues. Yes! YES!! The Skvllfvcking Riffz Gang succeeded in almost ripping off the beginning from Vio-Lence's Eternal Nightmare! So old-school, so refreshing, so invigorating! Now it's time for the Bonescrewing Dictator Of Rehashment And Radioactive Boredom to make its appearance! And he has a giant bazooka, omgz! The Gang won't give up, and they try to kick his sorry ass to pieces, but one shot from the Dictator's bazooka is enough to convert them to crappy, repetitive, bland riffs hopping all around the place! And there's the Dummy-Drummy Tiny Magician, trying to do his best in drumming and save the Gang from being lynched by the angry metalhead mob! Instead of grandiloquent, solid, relentless beating, he can only draw a slower than fast general tempo, a few farty "yo homey" breakdowns (a term coined by confrontational writer and thrash philosopher UltraBoris) and stinky cymbal sounds that make everything worse! Pathetic, indeed!

Round 3: The Almighty "Slick Dick Cuntpiercer" Lead Guitar! Oh, wait, he seldom burps a solo, each solo is standard, has been smoked before and will therefore be IGNORED.

Round 4: The Groaning Losertron gives his peak performance! What kind of question is "what performance", you goose? It's screaming! Screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming, only high-pitched screaming, no bleeding. Pointlessness blessed this guy with a nice set of funny lyrics and an even nicer set of lack of talent.

In a nutshell: Nocturnal Breed, Mastery et al. take the cake for serious thrash assaults! Lich King take the Manboobs Award for being so persuasive, so motivated and so... so... so... so... so covering those two awesome songs by one veteran act and one incredibly awesome act! They should do only covers, it would be so much better. This album sounds just like a bunch of rehearsals with two excellent covers at the end: a hairy Neanderthal guy with two superb boobs. And this, my friends, is sad.