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I'm ... speechless - 0%

BloodIronBeer, March 6th, 2007

I'm not sure if this is a joke. But I'm going to review it as if it's a serious release ... and doing that will be quite the task. I’m also going to disregard the lyrical content, and hold no bias one way or the other for it.

Okay, so ... needless to say Jewicide is a National Socialist black metal one man project. What I'm led to believe is the drums - it's the slightly rhythmic clatter here, so I'm assuming it's supposed to be the drums, sounds nothing like any drum sound either real or programmed that I've ever heard. It sounds vaguely like a toy train going along it's tracks. I kid you not. There is a hit, and it echoes from one speaker to the other, and back again endlessly. Maybe this is the snare drum? There is no bass drum, no toms, no hi-hat, and absolutely no variation. And there is the same one cymbal being hit every measure of every song. Oh yeah, and sometimes it sounds like the "snare" is being hit completely randomly - again, I make no attempt at overblowing this. It sounds as if he's trying to make it sound as random, sloppy, incoherent as humanly possible. He really must be doing it on purpose, because albeit giving me no reason to not believe this is the most musically inept person on the face of the planet, I have to believe that no one can be that bad at keeping a straight beat.
So, the "drums" consist of some metallic clatter with enormous amounts of echo on it and a single cymbal. This "drumming" is what made the word ineptitude necessary in the English language. Seriously, this is the stupidest sounding thing I think I've ever heard - and I've heard a great deal of laughable avant-garde, asinine experimental, silly dark ambient, pathetic drug-induced music, yet this takes the cake for the greatest lack of understanding in any respect for what satisfies the ear.

Next, the guitar sound. It kind of sounds like static, at a few varying pitches. Want to hear what it sounds like? Plug a guitar into an amp set with the volume almost all the way down, and the distortion all the way up. Connect two distortion pedals, with the distortion and treble all the way up. Then run that out into one of those pocket sized portable amps with a 3" speaker, then throw a pillow over it. Then use a handheld voice recorder to record you playing two random powerchords. There you have it!

I can't even really describe what the guitar is playing - because I can't fucking hear it. Seriously.

The vocals sound decent. But who cares? No one will be able to get past the endless static of the guitar - or maybe it's not from the guitar, I don't know what's it's from. But it's there, it's loud, and it's piercing - and it honestly gave me an ear ache. Not to mention the random calamity of some stupid attempt at percussion, and guitars that sound like a cow being strangled.

This makes Immortal's demos, Moonblood, and the like sound excellent - and I am NOT exaggerating. It's really terrifying. You must have to have a masters degree in incompetence to be able to put out something this unpleasant to listen to. I'm not joking about it making my ears ache, it really did. This is without doubt the most unlistenable thing I’ve ever heard. And that’s saying quite a lot.

To the maker of this blasphemy upon art, music, and all of metal - consider SUicide.