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Storm of Swords - 40%

KonradKantor, April 25th, 2012

There are three types of bad. The first being the type of atrocity that will make a writer commit suicide upon attempting an honest review of the album. Jordan Campbell dodged this potentially life-threatening disaster by shortening his Lulu review to three entire words. The second category of monstrosity is the type which, given the proper mindset of the listener, permeates failure in such a way as to create so much unforseen and uncontrollable laughter that the humor actually becomes tangible. Although Realmbulider may be one of my personal favorite examples of this, nothing will ever compare to the first time I ever experienced what a Tommy Wiseau film was all about. And then there's the third and least memorable type of awful. Unfortunately for Enormicon, Storm of Swords falls under this category.

After about a minute into the album, I had absolutely no idea how to describe the travesty that was playing into my ears. Wisely, I decided to resort to the band's Facebook page and found a wonderful description by the band itself: "Stoner metal, psychedelic metal, metal metal, we don't know what to call this shit..." Ah-ha! It's a fucking clue. The band is hiding clues within its own description. The key word here is shit, because that's what this is. It's absolutely, 100% total shit, and it stinks to high Heaven. Enormicon is what happens when three dudes from good ol' Dallas, Texas, have nothing better to do than put their teenage guitar lessons to use by smoking some doobies and imitating Kyuss songs until -- voila! -- we have a fucking album, dudes!

As mentioned in the opening paragraph / analysis of the scale of shittiness, the music isn't laughably awful even though it comes pretty damn close at times. The "psychedelic" moments are nothing more than what sounds like that one annoying Tosin Abasi wannabe at the music store that doesn't know how to play and won't stop fucking around with all the damn effects pedals. The snare drum sounds like total ass as well, along with most of the redundant bass lines and absurd vocals. Please, if you think this description is off-base by any means, go back and listen to "Fury Shall Know The Warmth Of Your Blood," and tell me whether or not you... wait... what the fuck is that song title even supposed to mean? I'm fuckin' outta here, y'all are on your own.

Originally written for MetalReview.com