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New Wave of Bullshit Heavy Metal - 39%

Tzeench, January 8th, 2008

It’s truly sad just how deplorable that a once great Norwegian black metal pioneer as Darkthrone have devolved into such “has-beens.” This EP alone explains it all too blatantly, that their newest full-length LP, “F.O.A.D.” is not even worth the insulting criticism.

Anyway, I don’t even know where to begin but I shall try and be brief. As a confirmed trait to all REAL black metal connoisseurs and devout fans of the original Darkthrone is the fact that there is absolutely no real black metal sound or feeling to this EP. It is primarily just a mish-mash of punkish-thrash-crossover riffs played in pseudo-first wave black metal style with Nocturno Culto’s quintessential vocals.

Additionally, the few English lyrics are absolutely bland and/or hokey and cheesy as ‘heaven.’ Notice I said ‘heaven’ and not ‘hell.’ What the fuck is up with a song like “Canadian Metal”? I’m Canadian and I don’t know whether to feel flattered or offended. Apparently, this was a song intended to be dedicated to Montreal, Canada thrash band Voivod after the passing of guitarist Dennis “Piggy” D’Amour. However, those lyrics read otherwise. It just sound like a foreigner’s assumption of what Canadians are like when it comes to metal, or a typical Satanic metal scenario in Canada instead of Europe. Us Canadians have much higher standards of metal in general, let alone black metal standards.

The last two songs aren’t even worth the mention. The remaining tracks are pure filler, nothing more need be said. The final track, “Bad Attitude,” is merely a bad Testors cover song – nothing metal at all, more sounding like Oi/Punk – with Fenriz doing very badly on vocals.

Speaking of, how is it now Darkthrone are making more EP’s? I thought their original stance was “full-length albums or nothing”? But then again, I’m thinking of the glory days of Darkthrone – over 10 years ago. Talk about hypocrisy. They sold their souls to the ‘dollar god’ since 1998.

This band doesn’t even deserve to be noted as “True Norwegian Black Metal” anymore because Fenriz & Nocturno & Co. don’t even live up to the title or their original impetus anymore. If this was anymore sad of a spiral ‘fame to shame’ tragedy story of what once was (to reference Burzum if I may) it would be enough to make me either commit suicide or become an eccentric Taoist.

Darkthrone’s grave rest here – the New (hopefully last) Wave of Bullshit Heavy Metal.