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9gagcore - 11%

The_Beast_in_Black, June 20th, 2013

Well, what can I say about Chainsaw Penis? Not a lot, actually. They're (supposedly) a death/grind band from England, and they're very keen on internet memes. They are very bad.

What? Not enough for you? I already put more effort into the review than these guys apparently did for the album. Bah, fine, I'll elaborate.

The album opens on "Barbara Fran", the band's acapella attempt at Barbara Ann by the Beach Boys. It carries on about 20 seconds, sounding like it was recorded on a headset mic, until someone abruptly shouts "PENIS!" That, ladies and gentlemen, sets the tone for the works to come: poorly recorded and unfunny. They would later repeat the same schtick with a Justin Bieber song, and it's no funnier there.

When we do, eventually, get to the actual music, it's mostly something only vaguely like death/grind, made up of a few punky, kinda death-metallish groove riffs and the very occasional section of pseudo-grindcore blasting. Maybe it's just all the samples and silly stuff (which makes up like half the runtime of the album), but to me they sound like a really bad Crom (the American one) worship act. The drums are an annoying clanging, the bass a fluffy lump, the guitars limp, and the vocals so airy and quiet that they're barely audible most of the time.

This is a band that thinks pop-culture references, random phrases and meaningless vulgarity are funny (whoever tagged their lyrical these as "satire" should read a dictionary), and that saying "lol we are shit!" is all you need to do to escape the very obvious criticisms. They want to be "trolls", but they're not edgy, or provocative, or annoying. They're just bad, and being self-aware isn't an excuse for sucking.

If Anal Cunt was the 4chan of music, these guys are the 9gag. I give them more than 0% because I have heard worse bands. Funny, that. They were probably aiming to make the worst music of all time, and they failed at that too.