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Ex fucking dee - 8%

MutantClannfear, June 20th, 2013

I hate myself and have nothing better to do, so here I find myself, again, reviewing music by Chainsaw Penis. Apparently these guys made a new album (but it took nine months to release somehow? I don't understand the delay, this literally could have been made within two hours after the debut demo), and - surprise, surprise! - it's awful. Again. It's even awful at being convincingly and wholly awful.

There's less actual quasi-metal on this album, but what's left of it seems to have nominally improved (and see, this is what I don't get - why are the band actually getting better if their goal is to be shit? It's like they can't even be convincingly and wholly awful, and I find that absolutely sad). "Arise" and " a Blender" have a couple of almost-passable groovy grindcore riffs, and the rest of the riffs aren't exactly painful to listen to or anything. The guitar tone has nominally improved -it's still not really ideal or even good but it's slightly less quiet and fuzzy this time around. The music has a few more legitimate blast beats to its name now, though there are still plenty of needless rocking rhythms. The band still use a bunch of weak growls, but instead of shrieks they're now accompanied by loud, laughably British yells which are usually used when the music is trying to be teh funnayz.

There are a lot more "comedy" tracks on Disregard Females; Acquire Chainsaws than there were on 50 Shades of Shit (they probably take up about 75% of the release's length), and taking into account that the band aren't funny at all you can imagine all the good that this does for the album as a whole. Spamming "penis" all over your band's music isn't funny, nor is it funny to drown your music in le maymayz, to constantly call your band "the worst fucking music ever made by man" (especially when it's not), or to cover famous songs like Justin Bieber's "Baby" while intentionally trying to be terrible. Last time I wrote a 600-word essay on why the band's idea of "trolling" through being retarded is, well, fucking retarded... but to avoid merely repeating myself, I think that this time I'll just link to this image and leave it at that.

Have you noticed yet that this is one of the shortest reviews I've ever written? It's not because I'm being lazy; this release is just horribly devoid of any sort of substance you could possibly want. I've probably spent more time writing this review than it took the band to record this. It's literally just less than 20 minutes of shitty humor based around a 12-year-old's idea of trolling mixed with music that tries to be shitty but can't even consistently get that right. This isn't funny, it just makes the band members look like morons (because they most certainly are). And if you think it's amusing, then you're probably stupid - and I don't mean that in jest, I mean that you are literally nowhere near intelligent if you enjoy this. The fans' comments on the band's Facebook page seem to indicate that they spend their time alternating between listening to Chainsaw Penis and huffing glue, so I think that's at least somewhat accurate.

Not offensive, not funny, not even singularly atrocious. Just stupid.

9gagcore - 11%

The_Beast_in_Black, June 20th, 2013

Well, what can I say about Chainsaw Penis? Not a lot, actually. They're (supposedly) a death/grind band from England, and they're very keen on internet memes. They are very bad.

What? Not enough for you? I already put more effort into the review than these guys apparently did for the album. Bah, fine, I'll elaborate.

The album opens on "Barbara Fran", the band's acapella attempt at Barbara Ann by the Beach Boys. It carries on about 20 seconds, sounding like it was recorded on a headset mic, until someone abruptly shouts "PENIS!" That, ladies and gentlemen, sets the tone for the works to come: poorly recorded and unfunny. They would later repeat the same schtick with a Justin Bieber song, and it's no funnier there.

When we do, eventually, get to the actual music, it's mostly something only vaguely like death/grind, made up of a few punky, kinda death-metallish groove riffs and the very occasional section of pseudo-grindcore blasting. Maybe it's just all the samples and silly stuff (which makes up like half the runtime of the album), but to me they sound like a really bad Crom (the American one) worship act. The drums are an annoying clanging, the bass a fluffy lump, the guitars limp, and the vocals so airy and quiet that they're barely audible most of the time.

This is a band that thinks pop-culture references, random phrases and meaningless vulgarity are funny (whoever tagged their lyrical these as "satire" should read a dictionary), and that saying "lol we are shit!" is all you need to do to escape the very obvious criticisms. They want to be "trolls", but they're not edgy, or provocative, or annoying. They're just bad, and being self-aware isn't an excuse for sucking.

If Anal Cunt was the 4chan of music, these guys are the 9gag. I give them more than 0% because I have heard worse bands. Funny, that. They were probably aiming to make the worst music of all time, and they failed at that too.