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Being flippant is not a free pass to suck (part 2) - 10%

MutantClannfear, June 20th, 2013

I think this is one of those phenomena which are referred to within the scientific community as "holy shit this is really fucking bad how do I turn off my ears". Chainsaw Penis are technically a part of a much larger genre of music that seems to have sprouted around the time that the Internet became an omnipresent force in most teenagers' lives. It's a genre focused on being as intentionally horrible as possible and, presumably, laughing at people who hear your music; some people refer to it as "shitcore" but I've known bands under that label who were actually rather nice, so I'd rather just call it "bad music". As a matter of fact, it's not too accurate to say that Chainsaw Penis are a metal band. Really, it just so happens that, by coincidence, Chainsaw Penis managed to go about playing their form of "bad music" with vaguely metallish riffs and therefore indirectly qualify as a metal band. This is pretty much a failure on every single level, even on the meta-musical scale which the musicians probably took into account while making this release.

The riffs here are somehow not even close to being the worst ever, which perplexes me - you'd think the first thing that a band trying to be horrible would ensure is that the melodies are totally unpleasant - but no, they're just really slow, raw, dark, simplistic chords built into the sort of riffs that would, in an ideal world, be lost to time on Peruvian war metal bands' demo tapes. The music is adequately structured, and there are a few parts that are actually pretty upbeat and catchy (I begrudgingly admit that "Punching Women Whilst Wearing a Bear Suit" has a pretty memorable chorus), but there's so little effort put into any of the individual elements that it's all for naught. The growled vocals sound deliberately weak, slurred and generally half-assed, the screams are way too shrieky and tend to clip through the music, the drum beats are sloppy and hardly ever fit the music on top of them, and the mix in general is awful - or nonexistent? I doubt this was mixed whatsoever, but in any case, the guitar shies away from the rest of the music; it's horribly quiet, and by presenting it that way, the band basically smother the only remotely decent element of the performance.

Now, knowing the type of band this is, I'm sure a large part of their effort was put into the trolling factor of their music, so I need to address that as well (and, really, the music itself is so bare-bones that you'd be hard-pressed to say anything more about it than I already have). I bet that they're thinking to themselves: "WOW WE SURE TROLLED THOSE PEOPLE HARD!!", so I feel the need to point out that they rather effectively failed at that as well. For one, the concept is rather stupid in general: when trying to create joke music, it should ideally make the listener upset. Covering yourself in shit and running around saying "LOL I R SHIT LOOK AT ME" may make people upset, but if you make yourself look like a bigger idiot than the people you're baiting, then you have utterly failed as a troll. Anal Cunt were one of the only (possibly "the only", period) intentionally shitty and offensive band who succeeded in that sense, and do you know why? Because they were actually offensive. They attacked basic social decency, praised despised members of society and just generally acted like the audial equivalent of an 8th grade burnout who bullies everyone else in the school. Chainsaw Penis don't even provide that sort of refreshing offensiveness to the table, they just quote asinine Internet memes and seem to think that it'll draw some sort of reaction. Chainsaw Penis seem to think their <1-second microsong titled "The Game" will bring a reaction along the lines of "OMG THEY SAID 'THE GAME' FUCK I LOST THE GAME"; the band randomly devolve mid-track into a contrived rant about how black metal is gay; there's a song about Nicholas Cage (coincidentally, his role in a movie that the Internet loves to fetishize, hmm hmm?); and the outro song is an ocarina rendition of the "Trololol" song followed by an a cappella performance. Do they seriously expect people to listen to this and feel impressed by the band's "master trole 2012"? And then you have "Fuck the X Factor", which I presume was made with the intention of trolling "normal" people, but Chainsaw Penis fail to even present it in the right context for it to be potent (think about it: they're showing their music to pea-brained metalheads, who will in all likelihood merely agree with their assessment of the show). This is juvenile shit. This the kind of crap 12-year-olds cut their teeth on before they're even ready to lurk on 4chan. If you want to be offensive, you don't paste Trollfaces over all your band's artwork: you deny transsexual people their right to choose their sexual identity. You talk about how black people are filthy welfare monkeys who are a scourge of society. You single out and harass homosexuals. You know, you do things that aren't acceptable to put on shirts that you can find in Hot Topic stores.

You could maybe argue that I've fallen victim to the exact sort of trolling the band were attempting (i.e. getting a reaction out of people like me by intentionally using shitty memes to troll), but again, if your trolling just makes you look like a bigger idiot than the people you're baiting, it's less of trolling and more just seeking attention through self-deprecation. The ocarina cover of the "Trololol" song is pretty objectively shitty and warbles out of tune horribly, but the inherent sound of the instrument is better than pretty much all the other music on the album. Aside from that, it's just a 13-minute (yet somehow simultaneously horribly drawn-out) ride of shitty bedroom death metal mixed with I Can Has Cheezburger-level "trolling" based around dried-up memes. Don't listen to this - hell, forget it even exists - unless you're either an 11-year-old with hormone-fueled edgy proclivities, or a complete fucking tool.