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Hey, wow, this is pretty fucking terrible. - 15%

MutatisMutandis, March 18th, 2006

It's a mystery so baffling I wasted half a decade on research. Over and over again, I paced my study, jaw tightly clenching an oaken pipe.
WHY THE FREE FLYING FUCK DID I PURCHASE THIS ALBUM WITHOUT CONSULTING THE INTERNET BEFOREHAND?!?

This is a picture perfect example of my money burning a hole in my pocket. When I think about it now, I would’ve been better off paying a steroid packed wrestler to hunt me down Chuck Norris-style with the threat of rape, only to pat me on the back and admit he was kidding when my frail chopstick legs finally gave out. Hmm... but that would make an amusing and equally disturbing memory I could reminisce on every time we sat around the campfire. We could laugh and joke and possibly create an animated mini-series. Hell, even a Court TV reenactment based on the fiery aftermath would amuse a few. Um, but y'know, I'm beginning to lose focus. I should really try to return to the review.

Anyway, Ancient sucks. There’s no way around it. I really have no idea what Ancient used to sound like, and have very little interest in finding out. I figure, if they retained some core members since their debut, there is no way they were ever worth my time in the first place. Like many pseudonym'd "black metal" bands signed to the "legendary" Metal Blade, what they lack in musical skill and substance, they make up for in campy trends and comically 'spooky' attire.

When I first popped this waste of resources into my stereo, I was pretty happy with my purchase and went under the impression that this was to be a solid slab of dark atmosphere and grim black metal. But then the first song swung in like Tarzan in drag. It just dragged on and on and on and on and on and then I turned it off around track 3. There are only 2 reasons I would turn off my CD player on the third song: 1.) I have no choice. 2.) The music is about as entertaining as sponge-painting a silo. Of course when I take the time to craft myself an entertaining comparison, it means said music happens to fall under category 2. I honestly can't pick out one flicker of innovation without disregarding it for it's cheesiness beforehand. I don't really feel like strolling over to their bio, but whoever is in charge of song writing should have their most sensitive outer body part crushed in a twirling vise for creating such horrendous and downright corny feather-boa-orgies of music.

These song structures suck intensely. Intensely. INTENSELY. I can’t imagine why most bands who seems so able with their instruments don't hone their song crafting to match their skill on the fretboard or skins, but seeing as Ancient is just a gaggle of talentless vampire-wannabees, so it's no wonder. From the outstandingly bad drumming, the utterly ridiculous "gothic" female vocals paired with the cartoonish blackened grunts that imitate severe constipation, Ancient does nothing but grumble on endlessly with some of the most boring and weak ass base riffs I've ever heard. Why do I call them 'base riffs'? Because the riffs are totally flavorless without the space-porno keyboards tumbling all over the place like caffienated drunks.

“But what does Steve know about tr00, kvlt, black metal madness from the unholy depths of Gomorrah?”, says the reader. Well, really nothing significant. I know for a fact that Euronymous was a dick, and Attila sounds like a Leprechaun giggling from inside a drainage pipe. I honestly don’t like most black metal. I find it to be monotonous in both theme and music. I suppose that makes me very biased, but hey, who're you gonna believe? Yeah, most likely not me.

Why would anyone sign this band? Does one of them own the label? While I may not be a regular black metal conquistador, it's clear that these four blemish-like individuals came together to create one of the worst events since the holocaust. Avoid this truly terrible piece of plastic at all costs necessary. Even if you have to perform indecent acts on a sibling, do not purchase this.
I know it sounds ridiculous, but trust me, it's really as bad as I said.