| Reviews for Five Finger Death Punch's The Way of the Fist |
| Don't fuck with 5FDP - they're hardcore! - 0% |
| Written by Trilogique
on July 5th, 2009
|
| Ugh. What the hell is this band even doing? Are they even trying? Who the fuck signed these talentless turds? The first thing wrong with this garbage is the fact this band doesn't know what genre they want to play. The first song I heard off this album was, "Never Enough", which was a typical modern rock song that threw in some syncopated nu metal riffs. Gay, I thought to myself. Out of pure curiosity, my friend let me borrow this album and I was on the verge of crying after hearing it in its entirety. These guys try to sound metal in one song then cancel it out in the next with some emo, Hawthorne Heights bullshit. Why they try to act like a metal band, I'll never know, but they most certainly are a radio-rock pussy band with cliches left and right. My next complaint is Ivan Moody, the vocalist. This guy can't shut the fuck up to save his life. Not that the music is any better than Ivan's vox, but he really needs to quit the band and go home. His voice always has this distinct, abhorrent sound to it whether he's doing his retarded, half-assed "grunts" or his AWFUL, emo-ridden singing. If I had to compare him to something, it would be diarrhea. But really. If you've ever heard Creed and how monotonous that dude is, you'll know how Ivan sounds. He just can't drop that fucking accent he has and it's really one reason why he fucking sucks. So, what could make Ivan worse than he already is? His lyrics. God damn, he is a horrible lyricist. Most of the songs are about how he's such a hardcore motherfucker and can kick people's ass. Or his urge to. We all know he's a fat pussy who can't sing, growl, scream or do anything right other than give his band mates blowjobs. The funny part about him writing about ass kicking is that he tries to come off serious, but his lyrics are so fucking stupid you can't help but laugh into severe convulsions. Here's one of the best lyrics on the album. Man, this guy is a poet! "I'm taking back control with my knuckles Taking back control with my knuckles I'm taking back control with my knuckles Taking back control with my knuckles Smash it, burn it, break it, kill it Fuck 'em all!" Stand aside, Edgar Allan Poe, we've got a new king in town! Enough with the Ivan bashing. Next in line for severe bashing is the guitars. They're so distorted and disgusting that it sounds like something out of the self-titled Slipknot album. They can't play a solo to save their lives nor can they tremolo pick, sweep or do anything interesting except suck palm muting's dick. Snore. The bass is entirely inaudible. In all honesty, until I looked up the band on Wiki I thought they went without a bassist. Boy, what a pointless jackass! This guy is obviously the 5th wheel of the band because they muted him into an oblivion. I always feel bad for him, but then it hits me that he grew his beard out like the dudes from ZZ Top (who are infinitely more badass and hardcore than 5FDP) so all my sympathy disintegrates. Finally, the drummer. This guy thinks he's so cool for playing double bass a lot then switching it up with a lame beat, but he's not. His kit sounds like shit and he's an awful drummer. I could do better with soda cans and a stick. Not a single bit of technicality in this dude. Yawn. Oh and I have to make a special mention to the artwork of this gangrene-infested trash. This only makes me laugh even harder. It's a skull biting on brass knuckles. Ooh, scary! You guys are SO metal! Get the fuck out of here. If the artwork indicates anything, it's that those brass knuckles need to break the band's face. If you want a taste of what this whole record sounds like, just look up "Ashes" (the intro will have you laughing) and be done with it. You'll have heard the whole album in a 3 and a half minute song. Protest this band, please. If you ever see this album in a CD store, take it and break it outside. It deserves nothing more than pavement. |
| Yet another attempt to 'modernise' metal - 30% |
| Written by Torwilligous
on December 5th, 2008
|
| Face it, metal fans: for the majority of people, the traditional forms of metal just aren't cool. They're either too brutal, too raw, too obscure, to focussed on achieving a rich atmosphere, too cheesy or have too many songs about swords and smiting thy foes with the hammerses of destruction, or something. Not only that, but the whole sound of the genre is extremely conservative (ironic given metal and its subgenres started out as ruthlessly anti-conservative - and no, I'm not talking politics here); as the years go on, it becomes more and more apparent that the whole style itself is rather out of step with modern trends. Perhaps that's not quite right; more like separated from trends, ever-existing in it's own eternally static stylistic pocket. Now there's nothing whatsoever wrong with this, and in fact most of you reading this probably think this is a good thing. However, trends do dominate most people's behaviour, and whatever is the current most commonly accepted cultural zeitgeist moulds those who exist within it's sphere of influence. There's nothing inherently wrong with this either; it is often how art and society makes progression. Onto the album. First off: although this record does indeed suck, there is one fearsomely common and excrementally retarded criticism directed at this band from the legions of 'tr00 metaaaal' that must be cleared up for the sake of my tenuously-held sanity. To whit: "they cant play the instruments, LULZ!" Apparently, some people are so insecure about their standards of artistic appreciation that they have to attribute their entire taste in music to some bullshit 'objective' method like "whether dey can play teh fastest!!1." Unfortunately, such individuals fail even in achieving this witlessly simplistic goal; instead of liking bands who exhibit signs of technical proficiency, they like who they want anyway and then claim anyone they don't like 'suck at their instruments'. In actual fact, every member of Five Finger Death Punch - except maybe the bassist, for he is sadly inaudible - is quite clearly a *technically* better musician than, say, Black Sabbath, or 99% of all black metal ever recorded, or Repulsion, or Ironsword. But does this objective technical superiority make them *artistically* superior to the above bands in any meaningful way? FUCK NO. FUCK NO! It takes absolutely ZERO genuine artistic integrity or brilliance - only long and tedious mechanical rehearsal - to correctly perform even the fastest shred in the universe. And there are some fast shreds here, make no mistake; there's competant and precise drumming, the vocalist has a strong voice (and no, I'm not saying it's pleasant to listen to, that's rather different) and the guitar riffs are often rapid and require precision and dexterity to play, especially with the metronomic exactitude on offer here. This band sucks not because they are incompetant musicians, but because their creations are mundane, inane, uninteresting and shallower than the redneck end of the gene pool. Five Finger Death Punch (stupid, stupid name) attempt to modernise metal to appeal to the current palate; they do this by taking any old thrash they can find lying around the place, reducing it's inherent intensity to make it easier to listen to, and blending it with modern vocal techniques, a dry and flavourless modern production and popular angsty lyrical themes. However, this creates a paradox; metal IS DEFINED by its adherence to an insubstantial stylistic template, and attempting to move outside this is impossible; one ends up not with metal, but with something else more-or-less related to it. Unfortunately, in this case their creation is a horrible thing: soulless, irritating and devoid of atmosphere and creativity. Though precisely-executed, their riffs are recycled, watered down, grade F thrash castoffs; and these are combined with pointlessly downtuned guitars, efficient but uninspired drumming, and angst so angsty it makes every male sphincter within listening radius clench up for fear of immanent homosexual penetration. There's nothing new here; half of this we've heard billions of REAL metal bands do far better, and half is just ripped pointlessly from the now artistically redundant genre of nu-metal. ALL of their songs are about 'laying the smackdown' (to use the vernacular), or bad relationships, or [insert transplanted nu metal theme here]; their song writing and structuring contain no meaningful variation from one piece to the next, save their massive 'hit' "The Bleeding", which is a ballad - obviously. They're contrived, overpolished, irritating, stupid, vacuous and wildly popular. Because in the current cultural climate, that's what people like. |
| Unnecessary - 50% |
| Written by yentass
on November 5th, 2008
|
| First of all, let it be borne in mind that the intention of this review is not another semantic blasting of "The Way of the Fist" but rather to give a more "objective" perspective on the things. Don't get me wrong, I don't intend to go easy on it either, for it has well deserved its 50 points, but I prefer to put things in proportions rather than shit-blasting it it off the stairs (it has done more competently and more hilariously on previous reviews). The Way of the Fist is not a *bad* album, at least not as "disastrous in all terms that are Metal™ as the context of the previous reviews suggests. It just not *good*, and moreover - completely unnecessary for your collection. Lyrics: As you can easily check on the lyrics tabs of the songs, nothing good to expect in that field - but in case you are not into checking them one by one, I would sum it up for you - the content ranges from straight-out whiny love-hate-relashionshits related to pseudo-hardcase "Fuck you, fuck me, fuck the system and all its representatives" blabbery; The quality of them (most of the time, there are these rare moments of redemption) ranges from mediocre to plain stupid and juvenile, the best example for the latter would be my favorite pearl: "I choose death before dishonor / I'd rather die than live down on my knees / Bury me like a soldier, with my dignity". Yeah, yeah, soulja boy. Music: I'll begin with the pros since they are outnumbered: First off - Ivan Moody. Although his better vocal (and lyrical) performances are reserved to his Motograter period, his work on The Way of the Fist still deserves a mention, mainly because knowing that he does the vocal duties brought me to hearing this album in the first place. He does the growling/screaming very well and the clean vocals are among the few elements that hold the album from crashing on it's face completely. Secondly - I do think I should give the credit that is due to the guitar work - if judging every riff and every song by itself you can actually hear some nifty ideas, ear-catching licks and some cool lead parts - don't expect some psychotic shredding a-la Dragonforce, but they serve the music well at times, a thing that I think is more important than to show off with your technical abilities. Now, for the cons. Since I've ended the previous paragraph with guitarwork, I'll begin with it this time. Sadly enough, "above-average independent songs" is as far as TWotF goes. It seems that originality was never a matter of significance when the creative part of the band was writing the music to this album, and I am not even speaking of originality in the genre, fuck that, I am speaking of being that "deaf" to not notice that they've actually ripping off their own riffs, over and over again. The result is a bunch of siamese twins, a different variations of the same song with "The Bleeding" as an exception. You really gotta hear it to believe, I can't find the proper words to tell to which extent this... lack of creativity maybe?.. reaches. You can refer to this album as The Way of the Fist - The Single, with one b-side and a shitload of remixes if you like. Second problem with the guitarwork - and the music in general - on this album is the quite obvious aspiration to hit on specific audiences. It sounds like 5FDP work their asses out to depart from the Nu-Metal niche and get approved on the Metal-Archives or something, with a result that may appeal to teens in their post-Limp Bizkit - pre-Cradle of Filth transition state, metal for starters if you like. And yes, the bass is really unremarkable and it seems that the drummer's concept of variation in his beats was surgically removed. There's that, almost forgot. Sorry. Production: Excellent production if you ask. But that's barely a redeeming point. Overall: Go to their MySpace page, the I-don't-know how many songs and the videos that are available for the wide public, check them out - that would sum up the experience that is The Way of the Fist for you quite well. Either that or download the songs I'll specify below. Oh, and the artwork looks pretty cool, and that's the solitary reason to actually buy the album. Favorite Bits: Ashes, The Bleeding, A Place to Die. You might as well check the title track, who accidentally serves as the absolute prototype for the rest of the songs on the album. |
| Jack Keuvorkian eat you heart out!!! - 0% |
| Written by Sigillum_Dei_Ameth
on September 19th, 2008
|
| Five Finger Death Punch. Where do I start? First let's start with the name; Horrible. Unimaginative. And downright stupid. Did they watch Quentin Taritino's "Kill Bill" too many times and thought "Hey let's use that as our name maybe our music will have the same impact." Unfortunately for them their name is more of limp-wristed wave to the customer rather than someone curshing their heart through bone, cartilidge, skin tissue, muscle etc. There are a few times where I have gone through the record store and looked at the artwork and have been drawn to it as if I knew something about the music was going to be amazing. Sometimes I get what I see in which I try not to dissapoint myself. Five Finger Death Punch's artwork might as well have been a shirt from Gadzooks right next to the button down shirts with generic flames and chic tribal designs both underneath the Puka shell necklaces and Roxy female stickers on sale for $5.99. Skulls and brass knuckles does NOT equate to toughness. It equates to necklaces 16 year olds wear that they got at the mall during a Back To School shopping spree The band members themselves couldn't have come from a more generic background. L.A. California has this distinct bitter taste in their mouth of just about everyone wanting to be mega stars and producing very commercial/watered-down shit for the masses. Flaming Faggot Dick Poll does exactly that for the general Metal audience. Everything about them screams "WASHED-UP." Even the two ex-members of W.A.S.P. stoop to a playing level that would have Blackie Lawless feeling so ashamed to have ever been associated with them. Wonder why they were ex members? They all look like they just walked out of a Hot Topic boutique....dreadlocks, multi-dyed hair, tattoos, long beards, Tripp pants, piercings etc. They are already blend in with their chosen demographic. The vocalist...there IS a reason why Motograter split-up. He goes from a fronting a 50th rate Nu-Metal act to a 50th rate generic Mallcore act. Who would have thunk it? Ivan Moody is a clear case of someone jumping off the sinking boat and swimming to the nearest island where there are a ton of supplies and canned food so that he can live off it while the rest hunt for their food and cook it and damn near starve for their meals. His vocals are distinctly stolen from Jamie Jasta, Corey Taylor and just about every other tough guy. I mean if one really had a bad childhood, parents fucked-up on drugs while being concieved and were poor I can understand someone being angry and downright nasty, but Ivan Moody comes off as an imitator. "Guys I'm going to attempt my best at trying to sound angry for the record because I desperately need to get back at everyone who ever crossed me and we need to tap into the vein of teen angst." There are times where he tries to sing melodically.....he sounds like the lead singer of System of A Down. The lead singer is a clear case of "Look at me and jump up-and-down and thank-god you're not me"." The music. I will not bullshit you in saying the word generic. And when I mean generic, it is BEYOND generic. Take the double-bass of Fear Factory, the riffs of Pantera, the solos of modern-day Slayer and the lyrics of every Nu-Metal act from 1997-2003. They even go beyond generic and cross the territory into Top 10 Radio Rock land and steal Breaking Benjamin/3 Days Grace material in order to have song for drunk pregnant strippers to dance to while at the same time fueling their cocain habits in the form of a song called "The Bleeding." The only thing that is bleeding is Ivan Moody's mensturating vaginal orifice. Great attempt in trying to sound like the lead singer of Adema. Downright HORRIBLE. What next? Trying to throw hip-hop influences in to try to pull off sounding like Crazy Town? With a clusterfuck of 5 Faggoty Dick Puffers anything's possible. The lyrical content is something a 16 year old could come up with. I'll give you an example of such poetic writing; "Deserve it, you earned it, got yourself a fuckin' war Believe it, you need it, face down on the fuckin' floor I hate it, can't take it Wanna break your fuckin' bones No mercy, you faggot Should've left it all alone" Or a clear case of someone about to take on the world when the world isn't even paying attention to his temper tantrum; "To the haters, the takers, the liars, all the vultures and the bottom feeding scum The FCC, the FBI and every tin god with a badge and a gun You talk and talk, you preach and bitch but your words don't mean a thing You get what you give, you give what you get Just the way it's always been I choose death before dishonor I'd rather die than live down on my knees Bury me like a soldier, with my dignity" Please do not disrespect our beloved military. They are already have enough to deal with and they do not need you trying to relate to them to stress them out anymore than they already are. One other thing before I wrap this review up; They have music videos. Go on to you tube and type in 5 Frail Dogdick Puffers(you get the idea) and watch their videos. The lead singer is trying to bring back Fred Durst with waving his arms around like he is a legit rapper. The guitarists are doing their best to look and sound Metal but fucking pogo up-and-down during the chug parts giving me the impression that they enjoy Korn. The bassist....how the fuck do guys grow their beards ZZ Top long, grow a 13 inch mohawk and walk around with a sense of fucking dignity? Did these guys hold done day-jobs? I would love to know. If you want to know the sound of someone's voice offering to help you commit suicide because Jack Keuvorkian can't do the job anymore, give a good long listen to 5 Fucking Dead Pussies |
| Made for shifting units and nothing else - 10% |
| Written by SilenceIsConsent
on August 18th, 2008
|
| I am not quite sure how I found out about Five Finger Death Punch, but for some reason I felt the urge to check them out. I was still sort of getting into metal at the time and did not know what to expect to come, so when I heard Five Finger Death Punch that first time I admittedly thought they were really good. I've since moved on from the band, and thought I would never go back to them. That was until a relative gave me a copy of "The Way of The Fist" for a birthday present, thinking I would be really into it. Forgetting what Five Finger Death Punch was like, I felt some need to listen to it instead of throwing it away later on. The Way Of The Fist has to easily be one of the most clear attempts at the mainstream music industry attempting to cash in on whatever they can in the world of heavy metal. Sure, the music has never really been that much of a cash cow for the mainstream industry and I am not one to believe that there is a massive conspiracy by the mainstream to put the music down or reduce it to pathetic garbage through shit like Five Finger Death Punch. I do know however when a record is made simply for the purpose of shifting units, and The Way Of The Fist is definitely was definitely created for only that purpose. There is absolutely no feeling to this album and it is as trendy as it gets when it comes to heavy metal. It is purely a money making device. Everything about this album you can tell is meant to wow over the mainstream public because the rest of the metal world is simply too extreme for them. Singer Ivan Moody is the epitome of this belief. He tries put himself as some kind of "distraught", "misunderstood" adolescent punk trying to show the world what he's made of and cannot be pushed around. Well he definitely makes himself look like an adolescent punk, but by no means does he seem "distraught" or "misunderstood". He instead seems like a whiny kid who's parents have not given him the newest Ipod or hot new cell phone, something along those lines. His voice is clear attempt at sounding like a pissed off kid like Phil Anselmo or Jamie Jasta, it's just that he sounds ten times more lame then they ever did and has possibly the worst attempts ever at sounding "full of angst". You can tell this is just the same ploy the weak mallcore bands of the 1990s used to "identify with teen youth hardships". God damn it, being a teenager is not that bad and does not really require any "Identification" with teen angst. The only teens who need this "identification" that Ivan Moody is trying to go for are those who create the angst for themselves, and trust me Ivan is not identifying with anyone but those idiots with his voice. The vocal patterns he comes up with are just lame, trying to be fast and "metal" but in the end just sounds like a lot of really fast whining. Completely lame and it will provide no amusement whatsoever to any really metalhead. His lyrics are also twice as lame as anyone could imagine. They are truly the most lame and stupid lyrics ever. Not only that, but they are mindless as mindless lyrics could get. There is absolutely no sense in Ivan Moody's lyrics. They also seem to lack a central theme, which is lame. I am a writer so I know good lyrics when I read them, and by no means are Ivan Moody's lyrics good. They make absolutely no sense at all. At one point he's like "I won't do what you want me to because I'm tough and a big guy now" and then he's like "You may have got me down but I'm going to come back and get you". Wow, can you get any more stupid? I'd be hard pressed to find lyrics more stupid then Ivan's. If someone can find me an example, feel free to contact me by all means. Continuing on, the musicians of Five Finger Death Punch are just horrible, and absolutely pathetic. The musicianship is a clear attempt at sounding "brutal, heavy, and metal". The only reason I'm bothering to give this album a ten is the guitars and drums to a minor extent. They actually are above mallcore standards but are just plain lame. Zoltan and Darren are just lame guitarists who can play riffs made of a few chords, cannot progress at all, and play half assed solos made of pentatonics with an arpeggio thrown in haphazardly. They are downright horrible and do not provide anything to the music at all other then make it seem more stupid. Bassist Matt Snell is completely useless, his bass being totally inaudible and probably providing nothing to the song at all. Jeremy's drums are very mindless and possess little to no skill at all. Really, why am I even bothering with these guys? They have no purpose anyway other then to win over people with their "fast" double bass work and "shred solos". They are just lame, and if you want either of those things just dig into the metal underground, you will find much better examples. The production is typical modern production, nothing special at all. Trigged, plastic sounding drums, lame sounding guitars, and vocals that are put right up front. It is all very clean and lacks all substinence, so you are not getting anything in those areas. I do like clean production every now and then, but here it is just lame. Same for the songs, with all their motonony and inability to tell one from the other. This is just a marketing tool, a shelf shifter designed for selling units, and nothing else. Avoid The Way of the Fist by all means. It just sucks. |
| You can't fool a former MTV drone! - 0% |
| Written by BastardHead
on July 25th, 2008
|
| I grew up with metal. My mother was a huge Metallica and Pantera fan, my dad loved Black Sabbath, I sang along with Megadeth's Countdown to Extinction from a very young age, and my taste stayed along the lines of hard rock ala GNR and mainstream metal for nearly the first decade of my life. Around the age of nine, I discovered cocai-.... erm... MTV. I was swept up into this mindfuck of a television station and began to base my tastes off of what was popular on the broadcasts. Because of this, I became a massive pop punk fan at nine years old. Blink 182, CIV, The Offspring, and other assorted bands were the order of the day. At age ten, I entered a brief rap phase. Eminem, Dr. Dre, stuff like that. After a few months of that, I "rediscovered" metal through dreck like Korn and Limp Bizkit. They blended that coolness of rap and that heaviness of metal to my ears. Obviously, I know better now, but that was a the coolest shit in the world when I was in fifth grade. I paid money to see Staind live, I thought Slipknot was the heaviest band around, I would listen to System of a Down's Toxicity at least twice a day, I probably still know all the lyrics to every song on Static-X's Wisconsin Death Trip. The lyrics of the genre reflected my twelve year old angst against the society that just didn't understand me, the songs were catchy and occasionally offensive, and it catered to the misunderstood like myself. Somewhere in eighth grade though, I had a strange desire for something a little more complex, so I got sucked into Metallica again and eventually refined myself into the Mosh Jesus you see today. I shared this story because I learned something from it. Throughout my time as an angsty, Mohecan, nu metal drone, I became extremely familiar with the sound, ideals, and all the nooks and crannies of the genre. It gave me x-ray vision, so to speak... the ability to spot wolves in sheep's clothing. No longer could a bunch of angry losers in Halloween costumes control my mind. This is why Five Finger Death Punch is the recipient of so much of my uncontrollable rage, it's a collection of faux tough guys masquerading as heavy metal, polluting the minds of youngsters seeking to explore the genre. I am being 100% honest when I say that every last one of these songs sound like they would fit perfectly on Slipknot's Iowa. There is honestly nothing redeemable about this release, and all five members of the band, the road crew, those who helped in the studio, and all of their fans deserve to be rounded up, sodomized by cacti, castrated with meat tenderizers, and strangled with their own entrails. This is absolute zero, a place where all life dies. Matter ceases to move and music ceases to be enjoyable in any way. The songs are only discernible due to differing levels of unintentional hilarity, almost all of which revolve around the hands down biggest clown to ever step behind the mic. Be it the laughable "BREAK THIS SHIT DOWN!", the pathetic "NO MERCY! YOU FAGGOT!", the despicable whining of "Everything I touch, turns to ashes...*crys*", or the sheer stupidity of shouting "YOU'RE MONKEY SEE AND MONKEY DO!" with honest conviction, the album is chock full of comedy around every turn. The breakdown of White Knuckles is pretty much the worst part of the entire record, as it just sums up the entire nu metal angst down to the letter. The crescendo of bullshit with him doing that stupid whisper-and-scream thing of "I'm taking back control... WITH MY KNUCKLES!", it's hilarious and humiliating at the same time. Every last lyric is the absolute nadir of creativity and sounds like shitty poetry hypothetically written by me circa 2001. It's all the same "I'm angry at the world, my father is an asshole, you're a bitch, why did my girlfriend leave me?, why doesn't anybody understand me?" garbage that saturated Korn albums in the late nineties. And honestly, everybody who isn't Devin Townsend should write this down, saying "fuck" every other word does not make you sound tough. The lyrics are not intimidating, I do not fear your obvious rage that you are trying so desperately trying to convey. Knock it off, it's not cool. And as if the lyrics weren't enough reason to earn the ire of everybody who's heard an Exodus song in their lifetime, the vocals themselves are some of the most laughably horrendous I've heard since Masterpiece. He has two styles of vocals, Corey Taylor-esque "rawr I'm angry" tough guy screams and Corey Taylor-esque wussburger clean whining, both of which are terrible even for what they are... which is shitty. I've never met anybody who's been dumb enough to throw roadkill over a pile of shit, but this dweeb gets close enough to the general idea by taking an already awful style of vocals and managing to cock them up so badly. If there is any redeemable quality to him, it's that he shuts up every once in a while. The only downfall of the parts where he isn't crying is that he is no longer comically obscuring the pitiful instrumentals. I'll give these guys a very, VERY small amount of credit for at least being able to navigate around their instruments well enough, but that small amount of non-hatred is almost immediately stripped away due to the obnoxiously awful songwriting. They continue the old nu metal tradition of riding one riff into the ground for the duration of the track, with very small breaks for the inevitably terrible chorus and generically crappy breakdown. What could possibly be described as an average riff is extremely few and far between, and whenever it surfaces, it's drowned out by the hormonal stupidity of everybody's favorite microphone mongoloid. People have tried to argue against my stance by claiming that the presence of double bass drums and guitar solos disqualifies it from being nu metal. This is like saying that calzones taste better if an accordian player is in the room. It has absolutely nothing to do with anything. Slipknot used double bass all the time, so let's not even try playing that card again. These solos that lobotomy patients speak of are as laughable as the rest of the record. Every time a solo starts up, the rest of the band slows down while the guitarist plays a super "emotional" lead consisting of maybe four or five notes, with a couple random rakes to fool all of the 'tards into thinking he's a guitar god. Honestly, listen to any solo on the record and try to imagine what they look like on stage. He hits his first prolonged note, the stage gets dark as all of the members step away from center stage, the lead guitarist slowly walks into the spotlight shining on the now clear center, his head flying back after each bent or held note. In the dark, one can faintly see the arms of the other four idiots rowing up and down, as they all bow on their knees to the six stringed messiah in front of them. He finishes his godlike twelve note solo, gently kisses the rest of the band on the forehead, and gives them permission return to their instruments so they can begin the song again. At this point, I would begin praying to God for Michael Romero to burst through the ceiling and COMPLETELY SHRED HIS FACE OFF! But alas, Romero seems content to sit on his ass and eat pork rinds all day, for if he had even a modicum of a sense of honor, he would've decapitated this blithering fool before this abomination of a record was recorded. This is Slipknot, nothing more, nothing less. The overabundance of foolish teenage angst immediately shunts any good that could've hypothetically manifested itself through the record. And what's even more hilarious/depressing, is that nothing good is on here anyway. Roadkill over dungpiles, that's all. I believe that if you listen to this, decide it is enjoyable in any way other than unintentionally hilarious, then you need to be drawn and quartered. Listening to this is akin to having your foreskin slowly nibbled away by your grandmother. Death to Five Finger Death Punch. May your souls rot in eternal purgatory. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go blast some Torture Squad to wash the shit out of my ears. |
| You Suck Part I - 9% |
| Written by The_Boss
on May 26th, 2008
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| I decided to check out this band (download only) after they seemed to be getting a bunch of attention, both extremely positive and negative. Of course I knew what was to be expected but hell I mean CHECK OUT THE NAME HOW LAME, but still I wanted some shits and giggles, instead of that though this was a definite face-palm type moment. This is a pathetic, horrible attempt at ‘metal’. As mentioned in pretty much every review before me, the worst part here is it’s pretty much nu metal BARELY disguised by some heavier and faster riffs and fast double bass rhythms, but that’s barely it. Take that out and you have nu metal, seriously. The lyrics are the most definite embarrassment here, are you sure a 14 year old boy in a Slipknot shirt and a Jenko jeans from the 90’s and a rat-tail? I swear this is some of the most immature and weakest attempt at being ‘metal’. Randomly he’ll yell ‘fuck’ as if he’s so angry. This is an abomination, being all whiny and angst filled yelling stupid profanity and basically all about people making him angry and now he’s gonna kick yo’ ass fool! For example in the song The Way of the Fist: “Deserve it, you’ve earned it, got yourself a fuckin’ war, Believe it, you need it, face down on the fuckin’ floor, I hate it, can’t take it, Wanna break your fuckin’ bones, No mercy, you faggot, Should have left it alone.” This is a sad, weak attempt at being angry or trying to express your rage with someone, all it does is come across as whiny, bitchy, and stereotypically nu metal. Faggots. Onwards to the music, well, these guys have obviously listen to only nu metal, a bit of hardcore, throw in some random newer more MTV driven metalcore bands like Hatebreed, Bring Me the Horizon or whatever the trend is, and take all of it and make themselves just an uber-angsty mish mash of groove filled, breakdown laden, heavier music; keep in mind I personally don’t classify this as metal, it’s more nu metal. I suppose the grooves and heavier rhythm section can garner itself some more credibility, but then all that credibility is thrown out the window when he screams ‘FUCK’ every other sentence and then switches over and starts singing clean like the fag from Shadows Fall and has it’s the gay part where he sings emotionally, like in White Knuckles where it slowly builds up into br00tality as he whispers oh so painfully, “I’m taking back control with my knuckles”… face palm. Anyway, the musicianship here isn’t anything talented, skilled or even stand out. The only moments I can find where I thought there would be some sort of redeemable part would be when he starts the double bass action, even though it is a little overwhelming it still wouldn’t help this out. The first 5 seconds of The Way of the Fist was a bit Lamb of God-ish, and then he opens his mouth and face palm. After he shuts up there is even a semi-woah guitar part similar to something off Shadows Fall’s metalcore lead guitar approach, but it’s still weak nor is it anything special. The guitars are just shitty chug along groovy type riffs that aren’t varied whatsoever, as well as having some of the weakest lead guitar parts ever. Only once did I think it was decent, the other excuses of guitar solos are absolute shit, Stevie Wonder could play better guitar solos with his cock. There is no bass guitar apparently… oh wait there is? It’s easier spotting an Asian man at a Nascar race than finding a bass line here. Then there are the vocals… do you really need to know how bad they are? I suppose, they are so typical and so annoying, I mentioned he goes back and forth from clean singing to annoying angst filled screams. He sounds like he’s almost going hoarse several times and I’m pretty sure there is some sort of affect he’s trying to go with where it’s semi-digitalized for the brutal effect I don’t know he sounds even more nu metal. Anyway, it’s absolute shit. Five Finger Death Punch are just another one of ‘those’ bands that you see all over the mall, MTV, VH1, and nowadays Headbanger’s Ball. They are gaining a lot of popularity with all the brainwashed masses following all the anger driven music full of emotional faggy slightly heavier music, it’s a damn shame too because these guys are fucking terrible. They really need to stop listening to nu metal, start listening to At The Gates and start copying them, at least you’ll be a legitimate band along with all the other melodeath bands out there instead of some dime a dozen faggy metalcore/nu metal band. These guys are pathetic, just read the lyrics before even trying this and then make your next step. I hope you don’t even download this like I did, what a mistake this was, I couldn’t even believe I made it through a few listens. Face palm. |
| The Way Back to The Shelves - 60% |
| Written by shatterzer0
on May 24th, 2008
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| Los Angeles, California's own "supergroup" comes together for their first offering of metal. 5FDP had, in a sense created such a large stir in the metal community by "word of mouth" promotion. The band had garnered alot of early praise and it comes as no surprise with members such as singer Ivan Moody (you might remember him from such bands as Motograter, or even Ghost Machine), guitarist Zoltan Bathory of UPO fame plus guitarist Darrell Roberts and drummer Jeremy Spencer of W.A.S.P. fame, as well as Matt Snell from Anubis Rising. All of the members have been in atleast moderately successful heavy metal acts. With "The Way of the Fist" every last member proves they are worthy of the spotlight as well as making the delays and anticipation well worth it. So now to end the history lesson and on to the highly anticipated "The Way of the Fist." Opening with the track, "Ashes," which is definitely a highlight of the album, Moody screams, "Bring it!" and it is thus brought, on every single track. On "Ashes" the song goes back and forth between a blend of thrash metal to melodic metal with hints of Chimaira's patented groove in it's musical style. Ivan Moody proves that he has a very wide range with this album, going from guttural death growls, to melodies much in the same vein of Ryan Clark of Demon Hunter fame. What really hits home is the actual presence of guitar solos, which is a dying breed in itself and is always great to hear. Ripping through songs such as the title track and "Salvation," the album brings forth another gem in the following song, called "The Bleeding." This song, hands down takes the cake on the album and is obviously the first "single" from the album. With it's melodic entrance and guitar solo to the slower tempo singing, it shows another side of 5FDP. The album progresses back to where it came after "The Bleeding" except that it still maintains it's melodic parts, which are normally found in the chorus. Continuing on at it's chugging pace, the album blisters through such songs as "A Place to Die" and slows down a bit for "The Devil's Own" but picks right back up with "White Knuckles" providing a sort of "rollercoaster ride" for the "knuckleheads" (The name 5FDP calls it's fans.) With "Can't Heal You" the band seem to almost change genres, but before the assumption can be made, the thrash metal double bass drums kick you back to reality. 5FDP turn almost political with the song "Death Before Dishonor" but quickly stop the tirade of blasting politicians and people who wear badges to close out the album with "Meet the Monster" which is a very "beat" oriented offering. This album seems to be summed up in one word, decent. It lacks solidarity in my opinion and some songs just feel like they don't belong. The disc itself is straight forward, heavy, melodic and offers it all to the listener. Within the album, listening to the tracks, you can hear the various influences this band has and it's good to hear but they seem to not stray too far away from the regular sound and create their own. This bands roots rely heavily in the successful metalcore genre while incorporating thrash and groove metal and while that isn't a half bad combination, they don't set the bar as high as I would have hoped on their debut and can only expect bigger things on their follow-up. |
| What the fuck is this? - 7% |
| Written by linkavitch
on May 23rd, 2008
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| Some say the end is near. Some say we will see Armageddon soon. I certainly hope we will. I sure could use a vacation from this bullshit five ring circus sideshow of freaks that is called Five Finger Death Punch. Five Finger Death Punch is not a good band. And this is not a good album either. This band mixes simple guitar riffs, lame ass bass playing, bad lyrics, and a singer that sounds like he is trying to take a shit half the time. Let’s start to the first mistake this album has, the opening song “Ashes”. It starts out with nothing else but grunting "RIGHT?...RIGHT?...RIGHT?....Right? It sounds like he’s trying to take a shit or something. Then in the first verse he starts singing “I got a tendency to self destruct, and a soft spot for the filth A hair trigger temperament, a switchblade for a tongue I'm a walking one-man genocide with a black belt in corrupt”. Ok, to me it sounds like he’s got a lot of “I’m 16 and I’m angry at my farther” going on. And it’s not even the first song it’s all of them. Every song if this album fucking sucks ass. Its pretty much 39 minutes of pure garbage called metal. And the lyrics don’t help out either. I just love songs that all sound like “Step to me, step to me motherfucker! Talk the talk, now walk the damn line!” Again with the “I’m 16 and I’m angry at my farther” bullshit. Ok so the lyrics are bad, but the audio must be good right? WRONG! The down tuned guitars mixed with bad riffs are one thing. The drumming is just average. And the overloud double-bass is fucking brutal to listen to. If you have not guessed by now, this is a terrible excuse for a band. If you are thinking about getting this album, don’t. Instead, take a hammer, and bash yourself in the balls. Trust me; it is more enjoyable than this pile of shit called music. |
| "Look at us, ma! We're a metal band!" - 16% |
| Written by NecroFile
on February 10th, 2008
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| Five Finger Death Punch is a laughably serious band that was seemingly formed as a cruel joke on metalheads everywhere. Their genre is a freak combination of Slipknot style nu-metal, Machine Head groove metal, and lots of melodic hardcore. If you wrestle with words long enough you could perhaps build a case that they are thrash metal, but at the end of the day there's no difference between 5FDP and the rest of the limp-wristed mallcore bands that populate the MTV metal scene. If a metalhead arrived from the 80s and asked "so what's new in metal these days?" you could simply hand him a copy of The Way of the Fist and tell him to listen to it. This is one of those CDs that does not have good songs, just songs that are less sucky than others. Things kick off with "Ashes", which contains a nice drum solo in the beginning but is ruined by a retarded chorus and stupid RATM-style grunts "RIGHT...?? RIGHT....?? UUUGHH!!!" Next we get the title track, which contains some simplistic riffing interspersed with over-exaggerated metalcore breakdowns and lametarded lyrics. "Step to me, step to me, muthafucka!" As you can see, this is not a band that relies upon nuance and complexity. The highlight of the album is probably "The Bleeding", which contains some somber guitar work in the intro and succeeds reasonably well in evoking a mood of despair. But not even that song escapes the metalcore and nu-metal influences that linger over this album like the bubonic plague. The music is as simplistic as you'd expect, with the whole album consisting of chug-chug riffs and enough double-bass abuse to make you want to give the drummer an enema with a handful of Ginsu knives. The guitars are massively downtuned, and with enough bass in the mix to give Slipknot and Disturbed run for their money. And as for the singer...dear God, half the time he's doing a bad Phil Anselmo impression and in the other half he sounds like that guy from Fall Out Boy! This is the gayest band I've heard in ages. The only way they can benefit the metal scene is my pawning in their instruments and getting jobs at Burger King. The only thing sadder than 5FDP is the MTV-watching, Ozzfest-attending, Slipknot-worshipping, mullet-wearing kids who like this crap. Favorite songs: The Bleeding, Salvation |
| Hatebreed, Slipknot, Adema fans only... - 35% |
| Written by Resonancex88
on January 21st, 2008
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| The previous reviewer pretty much nailed it on the head. This band is border slipknot, with mixed in clean vocals that can be likened to Soilwork. This is a CD for people who want 'metal' by the book. When I say metal i mean: "Fuckin' heavy bro, you hear those chugs man?! Hell yea 666 bro". This is jock metal at its finest. The only people I can see enjoying this are those who have missed out on the past 15-20 years of real metal and have been only listening to Hatebreed, and blasting lamb of god while driving around suburban neighborhoods at 80 MPH in their parents Lexus. Every song is the same. Chug riffs, adequate drumming nothing notable, barked verses, break, clean vocal chorus followed by reverb/delay pseudo-solo; repeat. I would have given this a 0 but think it deserves at least a little credit given that, though it is crap it is still better than much of the crap out there. Ultimately, to anyone thinking of checking this out, I say skip it. Go buy the last few Soilwork CD's and SlipKnot... Anything gothenburg will be better than this, even new In Flames. |
| -273.15 Degrees Celcius - 0% |
| Written by zeingard
on December 25th, 2007
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| It takes an awfully high level of 'suck-itude' to deserve a score of 0%, you either have to produce an album that I want to score low out of pure spite (Dark Tranquillity) or you must be the absolute nadir in all categories alluding to musical ability and talent; and this is where "The Way of the Fist" steps in, rather proudly too I might add. Armed with some chug riffs, tough guy vocals that even Phil Anselmo would be ashamed to hear, bass drums that are obscenely loud and lyrics written by a 13 year old who hangs out at the skate park and has only just learnt how to swear, this is quite easily one of the absolute worst albums of all time. Let's just ignore the fact that this band parades themselves around as though they play thrash metal and that there are actual people, apparently possessing a brain stem that also believe this. As soon as you try to judge this album as being thrash or even groove metal you might as well just write a single sentence review containing "IF THIS IS THRASH METAL, THEN THE END IS FUCKING NIGH". Even if this album was sub-par groove metal I'd be indifferent because that's what I was truly expecting, any band with such a fucking ridiculous name could only play something half-decent at the very best. But no, oh fucking no, it was so much worse. It's evil can only be matched by the most malevolent and immoral devils of the deepest circles of hell, and even they would have enough of a conscious to not release this abortion upon the mortal world or even their worst enemies. For those of godlike fortitude and unshakable will please try to imagine the following as an example of just how bad this album sounds; a piss weak guitar tone that only pumps out the same pathetic chug riff with some slight chromatic progression glued onto the end, hardcore vocals that switch into lamentably bad clean, whiny vocals during pretty much every fucking chorus that begin to remind you of Slipknot's Corey Taylor after awhile and finally lead work that is slow and completely uninspired to the point of making Lamb of God's occasion forays into playing solos seem like "Speed Metal Symphony" in contrast. Oh yes kids, this truly is the stuff of fucking nightmares and the fact I'm awake at 4am on Christmas being scared shitless by this album that SOMEHOW managed to get produced and even sold copies is living fucking proof. For ye of little faith who need yet more tests, I present you with the title track; 'The Way of the Fist' which is one of the worst tracks on this celebration of all that is wrong with the world. Whilst 'The Bleeding' is probably worst in being not only whiny but also coma-inducingly boring, 'The Way of the Fist' has managed to really up the ante on this album by introducing some of the best features of everybody's favourite genre; Nu Metal. The main riff sounds not unlike something Soulfly would have written and unfortunately, played during their early tenure with a very big 'JUMPDAFUCKUP' vibe to the whole thing. Combine this with the Corey Taylor vocals, some really out of the place and well, gay melodic sections and finally seal everything up with erudite lyrics that put the entire western canon to shame and you have a fucking winner. Who can argue with lines such as "Let's break this shit down!", "Step to me, step to me motherfucker!" and of course the profound, "No mercy you faggot". Irvine Welsh would probably break down in tears while asking to have his hands removed before he sullied the English language any further for the fucking literary scholars in FFDP. This album is an utter abomination, it combines the worst traits of the worst genres. There is nothing redeeming about this release and it serves only as a testament to the lowest point physically possible in musical history. Fuck you Five Finger Death Punch, I hope you all get dick cancer so that at the very least the human race shan't be tainted with you chucklefucks jacking off into the gene pool. |
| The Riffs Man! - 60% |
| Written by ReaperMan69
on December 22nd, 2007
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| Having never heard of any of the former bands that the members of Five Finger Death Punch came from, apart from W.A.S.P., who are one of my favourite bands but definitely aren’t thrash or groove metal, I had absolutely no idea what to expect from The Way Of The Fist, but since they had a sweet band name I thought I’d check them out. I’m very glad I did. To me the album leans more towards metalcore than thrash. This is not to say that Five Finger Death Punch are another disposable, trendy -core act. The music is overly melodic and features impressive lead work and guitar licks rather than the chugging onslaught of palm-mutes favoured by the metalcore crowd, but an abundance of double-kick drums, “cookie-monster” vocals and breakdowns, oft announced by moronic commands like “break that shit down!”, place them in the -core category. I personally enjoy a lot of metalcore so I don’t mean this in a derogatory manner, just don’t expect a thrashfest. The songs are heavy and catchy if not memorable. Laden with impressive lead breaks, and nu-metal styled breakdowns, which work well despite the stigmata attached to the genre. What holds this album together and makes Five Finger Death Punch standout are the riffs. This won’t impress any tech-death purists any but fans of Machine Head, Pantera and even Slipknot (who are an obvious influence) will find much to like. What really brings this album down though is Ivan Moody, both his vocals and lyrics seriously effect the overall enjoyment of this album. Regardless of how good the riffs are when he’s yelling stuff like “1, 2, fuck you!” over the top of them in a voice that sounds like a cross between Corey Taylor and a cheese grater it’s has a significant detrimental affect on the overall experience, especially when the cleans singing works so well. There are moments when this style of vocal works, such as the in “The Bleeding” but this pales in comparison with the clean sections of songs such as “Ashes” and for the most part comes off as amateurish to match the lyrical content, which as far as I can tell, minus a few odes to a broken relationship here and there are macho bullshit parading as social awareness, about how he's “had enough” and “can’t take it anymore” . It's a fairly medicore album, but it shows promise. |