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Noktorn
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Location: United States
PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2007 4:45 pm 
 

I often find specific passages from reviews that I either love, hate, or can make absolutely no sense of whatsoever. There's threads to talk about deleting reviews, or recommending them, but none to merely discuss specific quotes, and god knows there are plenty I'd like to share. Let me start off with a few of my favorites:

Falconsbane, on Kreator's 'Coma Of Souls' wrote:
The result is a collection of awkwardly constructed songs, pointless intros and bridges and the sort of preachy political lyrics that impress pseudo-intellectual high schoolers but no one else (especially atrocious is "People of the Lie; I suppose that such anti-fascist sentiment might have required a courageous stand in the Germany of 1940, but in 1990, it's a bit like a 25 year old standing outside his closet yelling "Fuck you Bogeyman!").


The final line of this passage is someone's sig, and for good reason: it's fucking hilarious and incredibly true and appropriate. This was probably Falconsbane's cleverest line and I can't help but grin whenever I read it.

Gutterscream, on My Dying Bride's 'Symphonaire Infernus Et Spera Empyrium' wrote:
Aye, there's an explosion, but it's…different. It's more a bludgeon of abject elegance, vast and discordant like a beautiful valley where animals go to die. In the center stands a grim, sunken-eyed druid whose life-giving powers have perverted to the necromantic, roaring guttural Frostian lyrics that echo beyond deep rhythmic carnage ricocheting between ‘slowly I turn’ doom-step, chugging bulldozer mid-pace, and death metal rampage sweating in all its glory. Crestfallen violin drunkenly weaves a theme song for a medieval penal system, gliding in its distorted course of bloated riffs awash with tragedy that is the true innovation in this trio of tunes.


One of those passages that's undeniably Gutterscream. Not only is it perfectly representative of his style as a writer, but it's an incredibly evocative and descriptive piece of writing. I read this review a lot; the whole thing's pretty masterful. Perhaps the most important point is that he really describes the music in a way where you can nearly hear it for yourself; god knows that's a difficult thing to do.

WilliamAcerfeltd on Cradle Of Filth's 'Dusk... And Her Embrace' wrote:
The lyrics, albeit well written also become a problem on this album. Especially when you take into account this album is 53 minutes long and most songs have LOTS of lyrics. The problem with the lyrics is that they often have a sexual, sleazy theme to them. E.g.:

"Ereshkigal, raven-haired
Thy seduction haunts the castle in erotic despair
I know thy scent by candlelight
Immortal flesh I yearn to share
Appease the beast on spattered sheets
Dyed malefic red as sobriety weeps
Nocternity
She shall come for me.... "
If the lyrics are not sexual, they will usually revolve around a evil woman. This really started to get on my nerves after a while and the fact that Dani's vocals could be understood by the most untrained ear doesn't help. As if the agony wasn't enough already, if you want to listen to this album, you get force fed the lyrics as well.


I can hardly think of a weirder passage in a review than this. I'm not sure if it's the weird sentence structure, strange hint of prudishness, nearly contradictory statements, or referring to Dani's vocals as understandable, but this section never fails to completely perplex me.

So, what're some of the passages that have stuck out to you?
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Bash
Talking Meat

Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 6:06 am
Posts: 1054
Location: Finland
PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2007 5:08 pm 
 

I like the idea of this thread a lot. Let's see if I can think of something. A bit long compared to the one's already posted but bear with me...

Napero, in his review for Celtic Frost - Monotheist wrote:
To take a longer detour, let us talk about food. The world's cuisines are mostly centered on tastes. Sweetness, saltiness, bitterness, sourness, and, debatably, umami, are considered the basic foundations to build on. After the basic tastes, the olfactory epithelium takes over, and expands the experience by integrating smells and flavour. The sense of smell can multiply the possible tastes by millions, and expand the horizons of the experience thousandfold. The looks of the food are another point to consider, and to a connoisseur, the surroundings, the wine served with the food, and even the company, cutlery and background music can be important parts of the experience.

To a more brutal consumer, there is another factor to be considered, however. It's even more fundamental than the basic tastes, goes deeper into the predator's evolutionary history and sometimes outweights the flavour. At its best, it gives a more profound satisfaction that the tastes alone. It's the texture. The way the teeth must work to chew the food, the feeling of the grains on the tongue, the satisfaction of finally biting through the sinewy meat. Think about it. Do you like the crunchingly palatable but virtually tasteless squid? The crunchy piece of cartilage in the top end of the barbequed chicken's leg bone? Do you prefer the chewier pomelo over the grapefruit with its similar taste? Have you enjoyed the tenderness of a good eel sashimi without even noticing that the vicious wasabi had already killed your tastebuds? Have you eaten a calf's heart and enjoyed the pleasurable stringy toughness more than the mildly liver-like taste? Or simply kept chewing the gum long after the taste has vanished? If you have, you may have an inkling of the worth of Monotheist and it's basic, feral nature. It goes deeper than just riffs, melodies or lyrics. It's there, burrowing somewhere, and while the taste is that of dirty, rusty electricity, the texture makes it worthy.


Elaborate metaphors and long-winded comparisons can, to me, easily break a review and create a "wtf?" moment, but Napero's comparison to food of all things perfectly describes what is so good about Monetheist, without compromising the integrity of the review in other areas. Right on the fucking money.


Last edited by Bash on Fri Sep 07, 2007 3:37 am, edited 1 time in total.
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deviant_messiah
Metal newbie

Joined: Wed Jun 15, 2005 10:23 am
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Location: United States of America
PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2007 9:19 pm 
 

You know, I was initially going to try and comb through this review to find things I loved:

http://metal-archives.com/release.php?id=2886

But I can't do it. It's all too good, and I've never heard a review pinpoint the atmosphere that a specific album conveys as perfectly as droneriot did with Joyless' "Wisdom & Arrogance." For specifics, I'd suggest the whole second paragraph, and this line from the third:

"The voice of Ida Hellebø gives this a particularly morbid touch, creating a whole that somewhat reminds of the band playing at that one run-down bar in the darkest corner of the city, where only the lost go and roam the location like ghosts of their own lost paths."

I'm not saying this is the greatest album ever, but this review is perfect.
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caspian
Wanderer of the Wastes

Joined: Tue Dec 07, 2004 11:29 pm
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 07, 2007 12:26 am 
 

Navy_Blue_Vicar had some great ones:

Quote:
For Khanate's Self Titled:

I don’t want to jump aboard the O’Malley bandwagon, but fuck, this dude is good. I’m even willing to ignore the fact that he has the most annoying accent in existence because he writes riffs that sound like 8-foot vertical concrete cocks and has a guitar tone like a bus with marble windows, traveling at 8 miles an hour, on its side.


The drone subsides and O’Malley strums out a gorgeous chord sequence that takes about 15 chords to actually repeat. This is definitely one of the best bits on this album, it sounds like Bonehead from Oasis playing Bob Dylan’s Idiot Wind one-strum-per-chord on detuned telegraph wires.



Quote:
For Sleep's Dopesmoker:


Listening to Sleep makes you realize what a stupidly over-detailed language English is. I'm trying to collect my thoughts as I'm listening and all I can muster are shouted newspaper headlines like "BACKWARDS ECHO SQUELCH GUITAR INTRO OCCURS".


At about the half hour mark the band start to jam on what’s effectively a 1-note riff until you’re begging for something, anything to remind you what you thought music was until 30 minutes ago. The band, amazingly, relents, fuck, I’m listening right now and all I can say is

FUCKING MOLTEN GUITAR SEEPS FORTH PURE BOILING WISDOM
SURGING SOLO PINES INTO ABSOLUTE
BUBBLING GUITAR EXCURSION TAPS TO UNDERCURRENT OF TIME, PERHAPS


Wish this guy had written more reviews.

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Napero
GedankenPanzer

Joined: Sun Jan 02, 2005 4:16 pm
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Location: Finland
PostPosted: Fri Sep 07, 2007 9:30 am 
 

Bash wrote:
Elaborate metaphors and long-winded comparisons can, to me, easily break a review and create a "wtf?" moment, but Napero's comparison to food of all things perfectly describes what is so good about Monetheist, without compromising the integrity of the review in other areas. Right on the fucking money.

Hee, it's nice to get a mention in this thread, thanks! Also, an exellent thread idea, this is like a highlights compilation in a sports event. In slow motion, the beutiful songs of breaking bones included.

For the record, I sort of expected that very part of the review to cause several mentions in the oven fodder thread, but I guess nobody noticed it. What can I say, I like food.

I don't have anything worth mentioning right now, but I'll certainly post something if it pops into my mind. I think I've read a couple of thousand submissions of varying quality too many for anything to stick easily...
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DeathForBlitzkrieg
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 07, 2007 11:06 am 
 

droneriot's take on the 'Frantic' single.
http://www.metal-archives.com/review.php?id=25704#16199

Quote:
These trashcan drums, these godawful excuses for lyrics, this fucking irritating dung of a guitar sounds, these nerve-grating whiney parts and these literally painful vocals, I just can't take it anymore!! Damn, now it's over, I have to listen to it again!!" This is exactly how "Frantic" works. Of course I realize how pitiful the songwriting is, that the lyrics really don't say anything at all, or at least nothing that really makes sense. Of course every time I hear this cymbal sound I turn down the music because I think my decrepite eighty year old doorbell was ringing, and of course I know that every bit, every smallest fragment down to the atom and further is an insult to what used to be a legendary pillar of Heavy Metal music and culture many many years ago. I know all that, I'm all too aware of it, but that is where the appeal comes from. I think it is part of the feeling that everyone just explodes in hatred over this that makes it so lovable. The fans cry out in anguish, and the sales didn't even get themselves fired up enough to get anywhere near crying out, but here I sit, gleefully proclaiming that I love this stuff. But not only because the general distaste for it appeals to the non-conformist in me, but because as I explaining in the opening paragraph, this is simply past the threshold of being so bad that it's great again. It's called "cult", dude!


Perplexingly true.
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Muloc7253
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 07, 2007 12:08 pm 
 

A few quickies...

From Ultraboris review of Coven's Blessed is the Black
Quote:
There are lots of moments on this album that make me think "hey, that was cool!" - that's the sign of a well-executed album. Even more so than having 8 trillion riffs a minute (it's just entirely coincidental that sometimes I think 8 trillion riffs are cool), just the basic songwriting has to be there. Songs have to naturally flow, and not sound forced. Then, when you've got that down, you can make do with only two riffs and you're still a winner. Ace of Spades, anyone?....

And then later on...
Quote:
So why should you get this album? Because it's a good listen. It won't stand out in your collection. It won't be the most brutal, or the fastest, or the one with the blazingest soloes. But, sometimes, when you've heard it all, and you want to hear more, and you're jonesing for one more variation on a theme, you'll throw this on, and you will enjoy. Competence, my friends. Competence separates this one from the Vectoms and the Vikings of the world. This one is not original, but it is inspired.


From Cheeses_Priced's review of Abyssic Hate's Suicidal Emotions
Quote:
Burzum-influenced bands tend to resemble one another more than their inspirator, if anything. Being famously simple music (on the face of it), one might think it would be easy enough to copy, but it there's an ineffable component - Varg Vikernes' talent for unusual, eloquent melodies and flowing compositions - that's always missing from imitators. Even the better ones, like Abyssic Hate here.

In Jurassic Park, the dinosaur DNA collected by the scientists had gaps in it, which they were forced to fill in with frog DNA. When "suicidal black metal" bands clone Burzum, the gaps are usually filled in with old Katatonia.


From Droneriot's review of Slayer's Christ Illusion
Quote:
Too bad giving you the benefit of the doubt didn't improve your past two efforts the least bit. And hey, you actually caught on to that and thought with Dave Lombardo back on board you'd go back to what you once excelled at and decided to release an album with angry undistorted yelling and actual Thrash leads again. But in all your excitement, wasn't there something you forgot? Oh whooops, yes, that's it, before releasing an album you actually have to write one first. How embarrassing. How easy some things just slip from an aging mind, eh? That's almost like going to work in the morning and discovering you forgot to put on any clothes. Now you are probably slapping yourselves in the forehead asking yourselves how the hell you could forget about that songwriting part, but now it's too late, the album is pressed and on its way into the stores, for everyone to hear that instead of writing new songs you accidentally recorded yourselves rehearsing old riffs again that you already used before, jamming in one or two slight variations here and there.
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DeathForBlitzkrieg
A Dead Man's Robe

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Location: Austria
PostPosted: Fri Sep 07, 2007 1:17 pm 
 

Wow, all of the above post are simply amazing. Whether original or inspired, definitely great. :P We need more of that, that's for sure.
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Noktorn
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 07, 2007 2:18 pm 
 

Cheeses_Priced - Nortt - Ligfærd

Quote:
One can imagine a fledgling Nortt tossing and turning in bed, desperate to find some inspiration for his band. But suddenly inspiration strikes! He sits straight up in bed in a cold sweat. Minutes later, he's scratching away feverishly at a blackboard, having drawn one large circle marked 'black metal' and another marked 'funeral doom,' the two intertwined in a Venn Diagram, with various attributes of both scribbled in. Could it work? He rubs his brow, concentrating intensely.


Cheeses_Priced shows that his strength is in musical evaluation, not pretty words. He perfectly got what Nortt is doing right here, and the whole review makes a great point that it's black metal and funeral doom and nothing else. There are maybe four other reviewers on the site that can articulate abstract ideas as well as he does.
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Gutterscream
The Last Old Schooler in Town

Joined: Fri Feb 18, 2005 3:59 pm
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 07, 2007 3:03 pm 
 

Just a few I could find in-between doing stuff at work -

AleksZ – Trouble’s Psalm 9

“…Oh, and never forget that many of these riffs wouldn’t really exist if all of Judas Priest died in a van accident in 1973.”



A few I could find quickly by OlympicSharpshooter, though there are many more

Sabbath’s Iron Man -

“…Oh, and dear lord, "LAGUNA SUNSHINE" AGAIN!?”


One of a few excerpts from Anacrusis's Reason -

“The album feels like a Suffering Hour crushed and choked by the weight of the world, this funereal vibe seeming to shroud the decaying corpse of your average headbangable thrash ‘em ups. The light-speed open-architecture riffic labyrinths practiced by the likes of Metallica, Coroner, and Destruction here usually take place in a sort of resolute half-time crunch, allowing you to watch the cyclopean relics being built step by blasphemous step rather than zipping by and leaving nothing but smoking tire marks. There’s almost a hardcore vibe going on here, thrash riffs played slow, doom riffs played fast, always an unpredictable paradigm shift just as you were starting to get into the groove.”

Rush’s Permanent Waves

“Warmth. As the shining silver disc spins round the spindle, traveling along its intransient and unwavering path as it always does, the music produced induces a peculiar feeling in its host. Warmth creeps from out the headphones nestled in your ears and travels through your nerves, tingling, thrumming, gently probing for those secret places in your heart where it might curl up and brighten your day. It speaks of comfort and companionship, unquestioning affection and heartfelt belief in music for the sake of music. As I glance at the pulsating red line that runs through the liners, the lifeline that is the 'permanent wave' of the album's title, I come to realize something profound and beautiful about this record. There is devotion here, and love too. Rush loves us.”

Malmsteen’s Rising Force –

“This album somehow became a holy grail of shred, perhaps only because the nebbish, elitist school of neo-classical guitar aristocracy realized it was something that would take them more than two hours to know front to back. Personally, I feel that the next album from Malmsteen, Marching Out, is actually a pretty good album, an integral piece of power metal history. However, Marching Out is not the album I’m reviewing right now, and most certainly not the album I’m handing a whopping 17% to. Rising Force is the only metal album I’ve ever fallen asleep listening to… in the middle of the afternoon.”

Nightgaunt

Emperor’s Anthems to the Welkin at Dusk.

“These eight tracks are the laurels on which Emperor's reputation has rested for just under a decade now….interesting that said reputation, perhaps always just a bit corpulent (as one might reasonably expect of a band that has always been as extroverted and as highly visible as Emperor), has now become as bloated and "sacred" as the cold flesh and warm memory of a recently deceased housepet. "Buttons" met her end beneath the wheels of the family's old rust-red Caravan (Sarah never was one to check her mirrors before backing out); Emperor as a respectable entity met its end under the silky, molesting caress of the rhinestone-gloved hands of overexperimentation and overexposure-and it began here. Truth be told, this is the nadir of the band's career…and with a career like Emperor's, that's saying something.”

more later...
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zeingard
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Joined: Wed Aug 01, 2007 7:49 pm
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 08, 2007 4:29 am 
 

Ultraboris' over enthusiastic reviews have always resonated in me, he writes as a thrash fan for thrash fans. He's also fucking tops at riff analysis. One of his best reviews would definitely have to be for Torture Squad's "Pandemonium".

Quote:
See for example, "World of Misery", which has the most complicated, technical uber-riff this side of Watchtower. Four distinct parts, mixing a teaser of absurd thrash for about a half-second, and then three parts death-thrash in a way that you just want that riff to come back again, and it does, just the right number of times. 9 songs, 38 minutes, a bazillion riffs. I haven't orgasmed this many times in this short an interval since that time I got my wiener caught in the milking machine.


Quote:
So pretty much what you're getting here is a solid education in Death Thrash. It's like in the third grade, where you had to give a report dressed up as your favourite hero, like Magic Johnson or Adolf Hitler or whatnot. Well, these guys dressed up as THRASHERS and they got an A fucking Plus.

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caspian
Wanderer of the Wastes

Joined: Tue Dec 07, 2004 11:29 pm
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Location: Australia
PostPosted: Sat Sep 08, 2007 9:40 am 
 

Zeingard above me is also an excellent review writer. I feel I may be bending the rules a bit, but here's some excerpts from an excellent review he did on last.fm, for the rather excellent album Weighing Souls with Sand by The Angelic Process. So I guess it's not a Metal-Archives Review, but it's done by a metal archiver, and hopefully we'll be seeing more reviews by him.

Quote:

It's utterly disorientating and dissonant, so thickly layered you could keep a family of four well insulated in the deepest reaches of nun's frigid regions and drones enough to attract a hive of deadly wasps.

Equipped with guitars employing a tone more fuzzy and huggable than a care bear, wailing and despaired vocals and keyboards with more atmosphere than Venus; this band is so awesome I've lost all ability to use straight forward sentence. I can't stop thinking in metaphors like a PhD Student in Philosophy trying to explain his LSD hallucinations.

"Burning in the Undertow of God" causes me to imagine that I'm walking down a dark and cold alley, it's utterly ominous and I'm pretty sure my socks have gone from white to yellow. Then suddenly I get ambushed by anthropomorphic clouds who start wailing on me for a good 3 minutes whilst I giggle and scream like a schoolgirl in Urotsukidoji. It's all slow motion too.


Excellent Review. Link: http://www.last.fm/user/zeingard/journa ... 24/508250/

Edit: Turns out this guy has done some excellent reviews on MA too!

For Nile's Ithyphallic:

Quote:
The opening track "What May Safely Be Written" has an ambient/non-metal opening with that whole "I’m in Egypt haggling with cheap, dirty hookers" feeling for about a minute, and then we go straight into blasting with heavy and mostly decent riffing which becomes utter shit because they slow it down and bash chords for awhile.

Look if you like stereotypical, uninspired brutal death metal in the vein of Suffocation then you're sure to find a treasure-trove of tracks to wank yourself raw to on this release. Otherwise go listen to Dismember, they may not be technical but they know how to play Heavy Fucking Metal and that's what it's all about really.


Meshuggah's Destroy.Erase.Improve:

Quote:

Life is but chaos, a swirling vortex of sequences and events yet to unfold... however there are few certainties that are readily apparent;

- The pokemon franchise will never die until it has consumed our souls
- I will never get to sleep at a reasonable time unless I pass out
- Meshuggah will keep getting praise as long as they play in obscenely ridiculous time signatures despite not writing any discernible riffs.


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Muloc7253
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Nov 29, 2005 9:47 am
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Location: United Kingdom
PostPosted: Sat Sep 08, 2007 1:25 pm 
 

Gutterscream, perhaps you could help me out...

"...is a stretch even Mr. Fantastic would raise an eyebrow to"

Which review is this from?
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Gutterscream
The Last Old Schooler in Town

Joined: Fri Feb 18, 2005 3:59 pm
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Location: United States
PostPosted: Sat Sep 08, 2007 2:54 pm 
 

Muloc7253 wrote:
Gutterscream, perhaps you could help me out...

"...is a stretch even Mr. Fantastic would raise an eyebrow to"

Which review is this from?


Off the top of my head I'm not really sure. I'll have to check. In the meantime, some more...

Napero’s Master of Puppets – I can’t really slice this down to one paragraph ‘cause I think the whole thing’s genuinely genuflect-able, and not just from a like-minded POV. *Closes-eyes-and-points* - here’s an excerpt -

“I think most of the people who say they dislike MoP were still building sandcastles or learning not to wet their beds in 1986. And honestly, I don't really blame them. I've had a lot of trouble in learning to appreciate the music from the ancient times before I turned 10. Black Sabbath is a prime example of this: I recognize a dozen or so songs, but find none of them really worth my time. Iron Man gives me a rash and makes me restless and irritated, and that drunken, off-key feminine "Öy Yeeh!" in the beginning of that one song is stupid enough make me blush for Ozzy. But I still won't deny the band's influence or value. We would all be listening to elevator muzak pan flute synth versions of The Beatles if it weren't for them. Yup, Alphaville would have claimed a two-inch space on YOUR CD shelf without Black Sabbath. And the songs aren't bad, they are just... old, and they've been remade ten thousand times since. And that's the problem with younger people's ideas about Master of Puppets; everything on the album has been done again three thousand times since. But, remember, only a few times before it. And those few times were witnessed by just a tiny handful of people, before the albums gradually became recognized long after Master of Puppets had sold a million copies.”

Mornox describing the paradox of perception in Crimson Moon's Under the Serpentine Spell album.

“This is as trance-inducingly minimal as it is staggeringly complex; springing out from chaos is a perceptible order, threading its way through the deterministic randomness of history.”

I can’t remember which review it was for, but absentee Gabometal86 once described a rhythm, or a band’s attempt at creating rhythms, as ‘a camel floundering in a river’ that for some reason has always stuck with me.
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CannibalCorpse
Metal newbie

Joined: Fri Oct 01, 2004 3:55 pm
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Location: Austria
PostPosted: Sat Sep 08, 2007 7:06 pm 
 

Grim and Frostbitten's review of St. Anger always manages to crack me up.

Quote:
St. Anger was a complete waste of bandwidth -- yes, I pirated this off of Kazaa!

In conclusion, I give it a ZERO. I never thought I could give that out, but I cannot think of any worse albums, from Janet Jackson to the Bee Gees, from to Linkin Park to Barry Manilow, from AxCx to Garth Brooks, Britney Spears, Menudo, New Kids on the Black, the new In Flames, or anything else. They at least had some redeeming feature somewhere -- this one doesn't have ANY. It doesn't even deserve to be pirated. I was in pain as I wrote this, thus the poor writing, and I would rather be gangraped in the St Anger prison than ever have to listen to this again.


He also inspired me to write my own (and personal favourite review of the ones I wrote) review for St. Anger.
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DrOctavia
Do Dark Horses Dream of Nightmares?

Joined: Thu May 19, 2005 9:02 pm
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Location: Canada
PostPosted: Sat Sep 08, 2007 8:49 pm 
 

GuntherTheUndying wrote:
Back in 1876, General George Armstrong Custer led a group of American military troops to control a rebellion of Native Americans when they left their reservations. The Battle of the Little Horn (the conflict between the two) lasted a few days before the Native Americans killed Custer and his army. After Custer kicked the bucket, a few Indians apparently approached his body and rammed steel rods into his ear. This was done for one of two reasons:

1. They did it to symbolize his poor listening to Native American threats, which basically means they told him to not fuck around and he did anyway.
-or-
2. Even though the Native Americans hated Custer, they spared him the agony of hearing Prong's "Scorpio Rising" in the afterlife because it sucked terribly.

This one manages to be good yet with a dash of WTF?-ery.
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Empyreal
The Final Frontier

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 08, 2007 8:52 pm 
 

http://www.metal-archives.com/review.php?id=9802#5966

Cheeses Priced's Tartaros review has always dazzled me with it's "WTF?-ery."
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DrOctavia
Do Dark Horses Dream of Nightmares?

Joined: Thu May 19, 2005 9:02 pm
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Location: Canada
PostPosted: Sat Sep 08, 2007 9:01 pm 
 

Empyreal wrote:
http://www.metal-archives.com/review.php?id=9802#5966

Cheeses Priced's Tartaros review has always dazzled me with it's "WTF?-ery."

:lol: Forgot about that one. This is it's best moment though:
Quote:
Come on now – does your typical “symphonic black metal” band really have the character of a symphony? Perhaps a symphony that consisted solely of a string section with a part-timer on piano, and mostly just played backing chords… and we’re overlooking for a moment these bands’ rarely-more-than-incidental resemblance to black metal. I’ve got a more accurate adjective for bands like Dimmu Borgir and Cradle of Filth: gay.

gay [gey] adjective, -er, -est
–adjective
1. having or showing a merry, lively mood: gay spirits; gay music.
2. bright or showy: gay colors; gay ornaments.
3. given to or abounding in social or other pleasures: a gay social season.

I do believe that would about cover it: they are merry and lively, they are bright and showy, and they are quite disgustingly social for nominally “black metal” music. Ergo, as Webster indicates above, they play gay music.

Perhaps one of the best moments in any review on this site.
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Empyreal
The Final Frontier

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 08, 2007 9:13 pm 
 

Indeed, although I do like the Killer Klowns from Outer Space namedrop as well, and the "named after a Pokemon" tidbit.
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Muloc7253
Metalhead

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PostPosted: Sun Sep 09, 2007 4:27 am 
 

Empyreal wrote:
Indeed, although I do like the Killer Klowns from Outer Space namedrop as well, and the "named after a Pokemon" tidbit.


Agreed, that's what stood out to me.
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Peregrin
Cricket Bat of Longinus

Joined: Wed Jul 07, 2004 3:09 am
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Location: Denmark
PostPosted: Sun Sep 09, 2007 10:42 am 
 

The title to Gutterscream's review of Wild Dogs' self-titled debut cracked me up the first time I saw it, probably because it's only funny in the context of the band's name.
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PriestofSadWings
Bishop of Dark Spaces

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PostPosted: Sun Sep 09, 2007 4:05 pm 
 

UltraBoris on Tempo of the Damned wrote:
Communism has eaten your pants!!!


UltraBoris on Grave Digger's Rheingold wrote:
That's right, kids, here's a power metal albums that has not one, not two, but fifteen goddamn testicles, each the size of a small refrigerator!!


:o
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DeathForBlitzkrieg
A Dead Man's Robe

Joined: Thu Jan 27, 2005 1:23 pm
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 09, 2007 4:59 pm 
 

UltraBoris on Heathen's '2005 Demo'

Quote:
Seriously, check out that fucking thrash. This is the band that is leading the comeback. I hate to say it but the new Overkill sucks (you cockfaces!). Even Regurgitated Cow Fetus sold out... but the new Heathen is looking like it'll blow your head apart. Prepare the large boner of thrash!

I'm not going to go on anymore, because this isn't the sort of thing where you have to make an economic choice - should you get the new album, or should you keep your $16 in cash? Why no... IT'S FREE!

Communism and thrash!!

You have absolutely no excuse whatsoever... if you can read this review, you have a web browser. So, get your ass over to this link:

http://www.heathenmetal.com/phpbb2/viewtopic.php?t=369


It might not be extremely sophisticated, but I just love that part.
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Noktorn
Veteran

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PostPosted: Sun Sep 09, 2007 11:02 pm 
 

The classic, for Unholy Trinity's 'Omnimalevolence' by Baal_Graphics:

Quote:
Haven't you realized that it's very common to find a coin in the ground, but it's not common to find a valuable relic? Imagine Unholy Trinity is that relic.


Dear god.
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DrOctavia
Do Dark Horses Dream of Nightmares?

Joined: Thu May 19, 2005 9:02 pm
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Location: Canada
PostPosted: Sun Sep 09, 2007 11:20 pm 
 

Noktorn wrote:
The classic, for Unholy Trinity's 'Omnimalevolence' by Baal_Graphics:

Quote:
Haven't you realized that it's very common to find a coin in the ground, but it's not common to find a valuable relic? Imagine Unholy Trinity is that relic.


Dear god.

Uh....
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super_bum
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Sat Jun 03, 2006 2:15 pm
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 10, 2007 11:29 pm 
 

Cheeses_Priced wrote:
If you want to understand the appeal of this band, the title track of this album is as good a place to direct your ears as any. Have you seen director David Cronenberg’s remake of The Fly? If not, I recommend that you do so – aside from being an excellent movie on its own, it will allow you to better comprehend the following simile: the first few moments of the song “Breeding the Spawn” sound like what you’d get if you sent two (or more?) distinct riffs through a telepod together, yielding some horrible, twitching, barely-alive monstrosity of death metal guitar playing whose mere existence is a blasphemy against creation. A lot of Suffocation’s better moments are in that vein. They tend to be pretty good about not playing the exact same bar of music over and over again – but neither do they shift about at random – instead, they deliberately mangle the hell out of whatever it is that they’re playing as they go, offering a number of variations of each idea, making for music with a real sense of depth and complexity.


This one was cool, or at least an methinks so.

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Muloc7253
Metalhead

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PostPosted: Wed Sep 12, 2007 5:12 pm 
 

Vim_Feugo wrote:
It's a familiar story. Four young men with astounding clarity of vision are brought together by the spirit of creative lifeforce and combine their common love of music, in the process recording an album which becomes a yardstick for a genre, the starting point for a new musical movement, an awakening of creative consciousness, a defining moment in the artistic oeuvre.

Nah, fuck all that over analysis bullshit. "From Enslavement To Obliteration" is a blinding album which will rip your fucking face off!
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stickyshooZ
TO HAVE AND TO HOLD

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PostPosted: Wed Sep 12, 2007 5:27 pm 
 

Yeah, Vim's reviews are cool as shit. It's a shame he doesn't come around much anymore...
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Emerald_Sword
Metal newbie

Joined: Sun Oct 30, 2005 7:37 pm
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 12, 2007 7:15 pm 
 

Napero's thrashing of "The Glorious Burden",

Quote:
The second track, When the Eagle Cries, comes next. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the biggest, most useless piece of cheesy crap anything with the word "metal" in it has ever created. This song should be performed by some super-star... say... Barry Manilow. He would sing it in a let's-remember-the-dead-and-pretend-we-care gala evening, televised and with a $2800 dinner price tag. Someone would first give a touching speech, trying to seem sombre and emotional, but looking throughout like a beaten basset hound with drooping eyes and a hanging face. Then Barry would appear in the single spotlight, wearing a white tuxedo and playing the first weeping notes on a 47-foot ivory grand piano with seven hundred candles on the top of it. Soon the spotlight would grow larger, and reveal first an assisting barber-shop quartet, then a string quintet. Along with the progess of the magnificient show, the increasing lights would reveal an angel choir of three hundred African-American ladies averaging 380 pounds in gross tonnage, dressed in red, white and blue and set up to look like the Star-Spangled Banner from afar. There could possibly be a very disturbing amateur ballet interpretation of the Battle of Gettysburg, with an obviously sexually twisted sextet of men perfoming a touching re-enactment of the generals' anxieties with erect bayonets on their plastic muskets. The tempo and the spectacularity of the show would intensify with the battalion-sized marching band with a bag-piper company attached, and finally a kiloton's worth of fireworks and an overflight by the Blue Angels would bring in the grand finale and Saddam would be executed live... Holy shit, can someone actually listen to this with a straight face? If any of my relatives had died in the WTC, I would possibly sue the band; this is either a display of very bad taste and childishness, or a ruthless attempt to cash in on the surge of patriotic emotions of the post-9/11 USA. As a band from the US, Iced Earth may have the right to artistically pee on the graves of the WTC victims, but on the whole this should count as blasphemy. This truly, truly sucks. Painful.


No musical description at all, but quite an amusing read.

From the same review:

Quote:
First of all, the quality of the lyrics as a whole is somewhere below D. There should be an International Treaty of Military Lyrics (ITML). The treaty, signed by everybody, except possibly by China and Peru, would prohibit writing martial metal lyrics without a licence. The licence could only be aquired by attending a rigorous training administered by Bruce Dickinson, and any unlicenced lyrics would be brought before an International Metal Inquisition with an itchy guillotine-finger.


UltraBoris on "Never Say Die":

Quote:
Over to You... "so keep on rockin' me, baby..." I forget which song that is, or which band, but it's a classic rock staple, and this song sounds EXACTLY like it, except dumber and having the most annoying human being on the planet at the vocals helm. Then - and I am not making this up - it descends into keyboard-based lounge-music. WHAT, AGAIN?? Elections, Quimby! Elections! Quality increase necessary to maintain credibility!

Speaking of credibility (Insufferable Blows Thereto department) Break Out is Black Sabbath's foray into disco music. I wish I were kidding. I wish "Black Sabbath's foray into disco music" were just a Regurgitated Cow Fetus song title, with absolutely no bearing in physical reality, sorta like "being anally violated with an entire warehouse". This is worse, because this is true. But it kinda feels similar.


One of Boris’ funniest reviews.

OSS on Dream Theater's "Awake":

Quote:
The album works on a variety of levels, from the high ground intellectualism of the lyrically challenging "Scarred" and "Voices" to the down and dirty rock'n'roll power at the heart of "6:00" and "Lie". In addition, the use of the famous recurring riff phenomena gives this album a cohesiveness and unity like no other album I can think of, save for overt concept albums like Scenes From a Memory and Tommy. It's subtle, requiring many listens to discern, but soon you might find yourself theorizing about the significance of say, the keyboard melody from "Space Dye-Vest" appearing in "The Mirror". Is this symbolic of "The Mirror"'s alcoholic protagonist sliding into the delusional despairing isolation of "Space-Dye Vest", is it simply Kevin Moore sneakily adding another touch of complexity to a frightfully intelligent composition, or is it just your imagination, did you really hear what you thought you did? The recurring riff phenomena gives Awake an amazingly dream-like quality, as if these songs are just being fished out of some sort of collective unconscious, pure emotion manifested as spell-binding music.


That paragraph pretty much made me want to listen to the album, despite my general dislike for the band.

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stickyshooZ
TO HAVE AND TO HOLD

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 13, 2007 10:41 pm 
 

Emperor_Of_Ice, talking about the song Framing Armageddon, from Iced Earth's latest album wrote:
I’ve heard this song all the way through about 30 times, but I’ve heard the last 40 secs about 100 times. The first time I heard it, I literally quit masturbating and started rocking the fuck out. Owens repeatedly screaming “FRAAAAAAMIIING ARMAAAGEEDDDOOOOOOOOOOOONNN!!!!” is… destructive.
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OzzyApu
Metal freak

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 14, 2007 12:07 am 
 

I question what made me write my Lord Belial review the way I did. :evil:
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caspian
Wanderer of the Wastes

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 14, 2007 12:52 am 
 

stickyshooZ wrote:
Emperor_Of_Ice, talking about the song Framing Armageddon, from Iced Earth's latest album wrote:
I’ve heard this song all the way through about 30 times, but I’ve heard the last 40 secs about 100 times. The first time I heard it, I literally quit masturbating and started rocking the fuck out. Owens repeatedly screaming “FRAAAAAAMIIING ARMAAAGEEDDDOOOOOOOOOOOONNN!!!!” is… destructive.


This is awesome.

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Empyreal
The Final Frontier

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 14, 2007 5:20 am 
 

I like how enthusiastic he gets over some of his stuff.

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Element_man
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Aug 30, 2005 2:37 am
Posts: 713
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Fri Sep 14, 2007 1:48 pm 
 

stickyshooZ wrote:
Emperor_Of_Ice, talking about the song Framing Armageddon, from Iced Earth's latest album wrote:
I’ve heard this song all the way through about 30 times, but I’ve heard the last 40 secs about 100 times. The first time I heard it, I literally quit masturbating and started rocking the fuck out. Owens repeatedly screaming “FRAAAAAAMIIING ARMAAAGEEDDDOOOOOOOOOOOONNN!!!!” is… destructive.
Holy fuck, now I need to hear this song.

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The_Boss
Set Abominae

Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:45 am
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 16, 2007 12:05 pm 
 

All I'll say is... it's a good song :nods:
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UnserHeiligeTod
Lagompräst

Joined: Fri Oct 08, 2004 7:45 pm
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Location: Colombia
PostPosted: Sun Sep 16, 2007 1:00 pm 
 

hells_unicorn, on Iced Earth's song "Hollow Man":

"However, the ugliest of all the philosophical contradictions in this album come alive with the lyrically nebulous “Hollow Man”. The casual reader of philosophy might think this a sort of homage to irrational Existentialist thinkers like Kierkegaard, but I see a much darker person as the subject of worship in this song, the original villain of western thought, Immanuel Kant. It is no surprise that the only song that doesn’t deal directly with historical events is the one that reveals the hand that guides Schaffer’s work here, as Kant’s hand is in the thoughts of nearly every post-Enlightenment thinker, save the Objectivists and his intellectual opponents in the Catholic Church, particularly Thomists like myself. Every evil ideology that has poisoned Western Civilization since the end of the Enlightenment can be traced back to him, be it Communism, Fascism, Nazism, or other brand of tyranny by way of altruistic manipulation of values and thought. The first ingredient in subverting a population is to associate suffering with enlightenment, as this song seems most willing to do, and once a populous hates knowledge, they are easily manipulated by those whom still possess it. Immanuel Kant knew this as he poisoned the minds of the people he taught with the viewpoint that reason was impotent, and his bastard progeny of witch-doctors emboldened a new generation of Attila-like despots such as Lenin, Hitler and Mao to re-define the meaning of the word tyranny and to rain blood upon the earth. I can’t fully blame Jon Schaffer for allowing this kind of influence into his thinking, because Kant is the master of all our public schools, he is everywhere except for a few crevices of resistance in the realm of private study. Many say he was the greatest thinker of the late 18 century, and that maybe, but he may have also been the anti-Christ. (figuratively speaking)".

...I really don't know what to think about this, but surely it'd be nothing related to said song.
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Last edited by UnserHeiligeTod on Sun Sep 16, 2007 5:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Bash
Talking Meat

Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 6:06 am
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Location: Finland
PostPosted: Sun Sep 16, 2007 1:44 pm 
 

That was just stupid if you ask me. I'll give him the Kierkegaard part but the rest... well, I guess he -is- a christian.

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UnserHeiligeTod
Lagompräst

Joined: Fri Oct 08, 2004 7:45 pm
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Location: Colombia
PostPosted: Sun Sep 16, 2007 2:17 pm 
 

Bash wrote:
That was just stupid if you ask me. I'll give him the Kierkegaard part but the rest... well, I guess he -is- a christian.


Yeah, I thought so too. I'm not an advocate of Kant per se, but hell_unicorn's view of him is just so biased that it is hard to take him seriously. And I didn't know he was a Christian, let alone a Thomist, by the way. Talk about a shocker.
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Noktorn
Veteran

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PostPosted: Sun Sep 16, 2007 10:50 pm 
 

Blarglepop on Aborym's 'Generator':

Quote:
"Man Bites God" is a rather well known song, not because it's good, but because it features Aborym's old vocalist and infamous voice-whore Attila. He sounds... As Hungarian as ever, I guess.


BLARGLEPOP WINS - FLAWLESS VICTORY
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GuntherTheUndying
Crimson King, Eater of Worlds

Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2006 4:36 pm
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Location: United States
PostPosted: Sun Sep 16, 2007 10:57 pm 
 

UnserHeiligeTod wrote:
hells_unicorn, on Iced Earth's song "Hollow Man":

"However, the ugliest of all the philosophical contradictions in this album come alive with the lyrically nebulous “Hollow Man”. The casual reader of philosophy might think this a sort of homage to irrational Existentialist thinkers like Kierkegaard, but I see a much darker person as the subject of worship in this song, the original villain of western thought, Immanuel Kant. It is no surprise that the only song that doesn’t deal directly with historical events is the one that reveals the hand that guides Schaffer’s work here, as Kant’s hand is in the thoughts of nearly every post-Enlightenment thinker, save the Objectivists and his intellectual opponents in the Catholic Church, particularly Thomists like myself. Every evil ideology that has poisoned Western Civilization since the end of the Enlightenment can be traced back to him, be it Communism, Fascism, Nazism, or other brand of tyranny by way of altruistic manipulation of values and thought. The first ingredient in subverting a population is to associate suffering with enlightenment, as this song seems most willing to do, and once a populous hates knowledge, they are easily manipulated by those whom still possess it. Immanuel Kant knew this as he poisoned the minds of the people he taught with the viewpoint that reason was impotent, and his bastard progeny of witch-doctors emboldened a new generation of Attila-like despots such as Lenin, Hitler and Mao to re-define the meaning of the word tyranny and to rain blood upon the earth. I can’t fully blame Jon Schaffer for allowing this kind of influence into his thinking, because Kant is the master of all our public schools, he is everywhere except for a few crevices of resistance in the realm of private study. Many say he was the greatest thinker of the late 18 century, and that maybe, but he may have also been the anti-Christ. (figuratively speaking)".

...I really don't know what to think about this, but surely it'd be nothing related to said song.

That's probably the most unintelligent and pointless rant one could forge. It was a waste of time reading that "paragraph."
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