HAHA, holy shit that wins everything

Back when I used to work graveyard shift on helpdesk we used to prank each other just to try and stay awake. One time I told the guy I was working with I was going for a smoke, walked outside and called the helpdesk.

Putting on my broadest Aussie bogan accent, I told him:

"Mate, My names Kev, I'm a Butcher right. There's something wrong with my website, can you take a look? I sell meat online and shit. But I think it's been hacked. It's www.meatspin.com"

Right round, baby, right round.

And on and on it went, us late night trogladytes trolling the shit out of each other. 2 of the people I occasionally worked with, who ONLY did graveyard shift, ended up getting married recently. I suspect it's because they were just about the only people they ever saw.

Well there's no way I can beat 3 posts above mine, but eh.

I used to work in shipping & receiving, filling out bills of lading and making truckers sign shit. I shared that office with my immediate superior, and he's the conspiracy type. I imagine he spends his nights getting high and browsing flatearthsociety.org and whatnot. Moon landing hoax, 9/11-inside job, (I shit you not) American-owned machines responsible for earthquakes in Haiti and Japan, the works.

So this one morning we both happen to get breakfast at the cantina-truck that passes by, and we both get an egg sandwich and chocolate milk. While we're both eating he suddenly blurts out: "You know chocolate milk is blood milk right?"

-"Woofffffff, you're going to have to elaborate."

Apparently, companies don't want to waste milk harvested while cows are on their periods, which contains traces of blood, so they cover it up with chocolate flavor. It just tastes too good for it to bother him. I didn't even begin to explain all the ways in which that made no sense. A few weeks later tells me he read that it's not true after all. I thought he was trying to fuck with me all this time but he seemed genuinely disappointed when he told me.

this thread may as well be locked because nothing anyone can tell will beat Cinerary's story. holy shit, that was grand.
Also, regarding the deaf call centers, I've been pranked by those places before, you guys really do have to stay on the line with them no matter how pissed the guy on the other end gets, I wasn't sure it was an actual thing until I looked it up later and realized someone actually HAS to relay whatever a deaf person says, no matter how vulgar it is.
Another good one from my place of employment from around last Christmas of last year, which in case you've never held down a retail job, through the months of November and December you really get to see the darkest side of white suburban middle America, it's like this ravenous orgy of consumption gets kicked on in their brains and people just swarm out in droves to consume everything they can get their white protestant hands on even if they have no need or want for it whatsoever. Phone rings one morning and guy next to me answers with the usual "thank you for calling X, this is Y, how can i help you?"
caller: "is this toys r us?"
dude: "no, this is X"
caller: "(pause) Are you sure?"

My first non-agricultural job was at Chuck E. Cheese. I don't mind people, and I actually like most kids, but still I just worked in the kitchen making pizzas. We used to stay late on Sunday nights sometimes to clean out the ball pit. That basically involved scooping out all the balls in the pit into bags, bringing them out back, throwing away damaged ones and hosing down the rest. Used to find some of the craziest shit in there. Pizza crusts, tokens, change, and cheap Chuck E. Cheese toys were the common items. But you'd also find dirty diapers, dirty underwear, and once we even found a fucking knife.

One of the best nights involved a kid sticking their head underneath a coin-operated merry-go-round while another kid put a token in the ride. The kid was in pretty rough shape with blood actually pumping from their head. And to show the acorn doesn't fall far from the tree, they asked the girl at the register for a Band-Aid.

Oh, and children apparently love to take a shit anywhere. I missed that memo when I was a kid. You'd find little surprise turds all over the place. On the bathroom floor, in a urinal, in a sink, behind the Skee-Ball lanes, under tables, and once even underneath the stage. I guess it's a child's rite of passage in some circles to drop a log at Chuck E. Cheese.

That is funny about Chuck E Cheese. I remember when I was like 8 going to that place and crawling in the pipes and turning a corner and BAM, a pile of shit.

The most terrifying part about going to a friend's birthday party at Chuck E Cheese for me wasn't the immeasurable amounts of poop in those tubes and the ball pit (I distinctly remember my dad telling me not to play in there because "kids piss and shit all over that stuff"), but the half-working mechanical band that would play for kids' birthday parties, the eyes would just kinda open up at random times and look around the room.. God, that still bugs the shit out of me.

Chuck E's is ghetto around here. Find a corpse if you aren't lucky.

The kids shitting everywhere thing is obvious. Take kids off for a three-hour birthday party and feed them ntohing but greasy pizza, in a restaurant where the bathrooms are barely functional?

I'd shit behind the animatronic band too.

Cinerary - thanks for cheering me up on a black evening.

I don't know if this was a prank call or genuine stupidity. When I worked at a produce store, I got this:

Caller: Hi, do you guys sell outdoor tennis shoes?
Me: No, we sell fruits and vegetables.
Caller: Oh okay. [Here I assume he understood and has realized he dialed a wrong number. But then follows...] Do you have any indoor tennis shoes?

At this point I figure he's screwing with me, so I decide to play back a little bit.
I said: Give me a minute, I'll go check in the back.
Caller: Ok thanks.

So I put him on hold and spend about five minutes doing a sudoku, taking a shit, just wasting time. (I was a supervisor so I technically took my breaks whenever I wanted. If it wasn't busy and none of my staff were on break first.) When I get back, I see this joker actually stayed on the line! What can I tell him? I just pick up the line and say "we have no tennis shoes and I doubt we'll get more any time soon."

I got my coworker real good...

I am a pipe welder in a factory, one day I made a mistake in an elbow I was welding and had to grind some of the weld in the pipe. This resulted in a lot of dust with the consistency of sand to build up in the crevice of the elbow. My egomaniacal coworker happened to be in the vicinity, so I hatched a plan. I got out my air hose, and had it at the ready. I called him over to take a look inside the pipe, and when he got close, I unleashed pressurized air which resulted in about 3 ounces of itchy dust blasting into his face. I don't know the amount of pressure in the compressed air, but i feels about the same as winds as a cold winters day, where the trees bend to the force. hahahaha, revenge (he's gotten me to before)

When I worked at this hunting/fishing mag I was responsible for answering the company's subscriber email inbox. We offered a free hunting knife with a one year subscription at one point. Here is an actual letter sent in by one of our subscribers:

Howdy folks: My name is ---------, from -------, Pa. ----- #---------. I've been reading your mag for a few months now, and I have to say it sucks. It never says a word about western Pa where I live, fish, and hunt, It's always about the eastern side of the state or the upper middle. Also alot about New Jersey, and New York. I would like to cancell my subscription and get my money back for the remaining issues. It's not a total loss though, the Bench Made knife you gave me for signing up for the magazine, saved my nephew's life in Iraq. I sent it to him. He's a marine and just came home from his second tour. He was in the Falluhja battle the first time, seen alot of action. Got into some shit with an Iraqi solder, not pulling his weight, one thing led to another, the Iraqi pulled a knife on my nephew, bad mistake. He had that Bench Made open like a flash, and killed him dead in seconds. No charges, justifiable self defense. I asked him why he didn't shot the asshole, he said my hands were in my pockets, when he pulled his knife, It was just a natural reaction, since the knife was in my hand sorta. He said the dude was dead before he hit the ground. All I can say is SEMPERFI, well done. Anyway, please send me my money back. Thank you Sincerly ------------

I saw a guy walking around in a Cattle Decapitation shirt a couple days ago at work, turns out he was most likely at the same show I was when I saw them in St.Louis, he sounded like a guy that new his way around a metal forum because the first thing he said was "they sound so much better live"

I used to work in marketing and promotions and basically our shit was door-to-door, getting people to agree to meet representatives for all sorts of expensive stuff. So there's a few interesting stories.

Plumbing campaign
I'm telling this lady that this particular part of the city is considered a high flood risk zone due to the major flood that happened in the area not too long ago. She's telling me "I WAS HERE SINCE I WAS A CHILD, WHAT YOU ARE SAYING IS WRONG. STOP TELLING LIES." I was like "this is the information we got from the City of Hamilton." And she kept going on, and it was like... Denial, dude? I literally got this info FROM A LOCAL MUNICIPAL GOVERNMENT.

In other instances people like to assume all marketers/promoters are earth's asshole. I often got people saying shit like "WHATEVER YOU'RE SELLING, WE'RE NOT BUYING." Then I'd say something back to throw them off, because fuck them, they deserved it. Usually something like "thank-you for making my job easier, sir."

Then there was "super depressed old dude": I saw an old dude all working on his lawn and shit, so I decided to just go up to him and talk. Then it got to me saying, "how are you doing this evening?" and he said "Oh, I'm just doing... Terribly. I'm so alone... My life is horrible" in the saddest old man voice possible. It was a little awkward.

Asian neighbourhoods were the worst... People would literally be hiding behind their doors, making it hard to hear them, and you'd have to ask for them to open the door just a bit... Also they had a bunch of very obvious black security cameras around. It seems Asians over here are paranoid as fuck. I felt like I was being watched everywhere lol. They always said I was lying when I couldn't hear them. YOU'RE BEHIND A DOOR AND YOU TALK LIKE A MOUSE, MOTHERFUCKER. This is no way to have a conversation with a HUMAN BEING. :/

Overall though that was a good job... My bosses were good people and I felt like I was being challenged. I consistently convinced many people to get into contracts for shit worth thousands of dollars. If I can do that for relatively vain shit like home renovation products, surely I can do that for consultations for my future nutrition practice.

If I was scum, you should've seen some of my customers. "Hey, my son is left-handed like you! He was ambidextrous before but we physically forced him to choose one hand." And then incoherent screaming on 1/10 of calls at least when I did follow-ups...