I suppose that you could call going into a pseudo-philosophical dissertation on how death is not the end because heavy metal fans were not meant to be born on earth poor reviewing practice.

For Nightwish - Imaginaerum:

Is what Morrigan just posted a review or a YouTube comment?

Loving the monumental irony in referring to Nightwish as a glimmering beacon of hope in "a world with shitty pop songs".

Most likely both.

Let's not resort to insulting the YouTube community by attributing this to them. Even they have standards.

No Zelk, they don't. Have you read YouTube comments? This look like it's straight out of that wretched cesspool of dead brain cells.

The YouTube comments section is where intelligence goes to die.

I reckoned you humans would enjoy this one. Staffers probably recognize that the band itself is sort of an (unintentional) running gag in site history.

For Emerna's Mortem Animalium:

Care to elaborate?

Yeah Nightgaunt, we'd like to know too.

As for the review itself, one particular line captured my attention; "I'm just envisioning until I reach the depth of brutish". The depth. Of. Brutish. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!

Well...

That seems even more esoteric.

Yeah, but when it comes down to it, the entire review reads like something made by a part time philosopher with brain damage.

You know, when you plunge into brutish in order to reach its depths. Or something.

IT'S TOO DEEP FOR ME, MAN.

You must have plunged too deep.

For Virus Bélico's "Envenedados":

I wonder if the submitting user will get your sense of humour...

That's the moderator notes, not the actual rejection message.

Erh...

I hope he'll get my rejection message since he wrote 2 reviews like this one. These people are funny, at least check 1 or 2 approved reviews before submitting yours, fuck!

Funny fact is that the song that was playing here while I posted was Ghoul's "Numbskull".

I was bludgeoned by short blurb Engrish reviews!

How unusual, only one spelling mistake! He even spelled 'progressive' correctly.

One of the best Engrish review ever! A shame, this demo doesn't have any reviews

For Rotten Bitch - Who the Fuck Are:

"When i see the demo, i just think, "Crap, I just were wishing can hear this fucking demo, it's mi freaking time" , and begin to hear.

The demo begin with a slow guitar intro that have a pretty cool ambient, but nothing so admirable, then, the next song begin, called "Rotten bitch" is the Thrasher song from this demo, have a really good voice line that follow the main riff. The song is very long, so to the end of the song the riff change and the song turn a little bored...

The next song is called "Sentence to death" is like a slow heavy metal with some pitched voice,sometimes you think that the song is gonna to turn fast but, begin slow again, at least 'till the middle of the song, when guitar player begin to "Riffing" some thrash and the drum turn faster, and vocals are pitcher, the song finish with a littler guitar solo, and return to the slow part, isn't a good change.

The next song is called "Vision in fear" how the last track, begin with a slow guitar riff, like a slow NWOBHM, the bass sound pretty awesome is this track, cause you can hear it , you can hear it so high, then, the drums begin to play faster, and guitar goes thrasher. This song has a good riffing moments and the voice change in a moment.. there's a cut in the final stretch of the song and a new "Riff" if can call it like that, appear, and it fade away to ending.

The Last song is calles "Bubr's Theme, and begin with a pretty awesome intro riff, with a powerfull palm muting and a "little guitar intro solo" .. then the riff becomes faster and the drums appear, and becomes faster and faster with a awesome guitar solo, there's a cut and some laugh were heard and the song ends.

In general the demo is Pretty good, but, no too Thrash is more like a heavy metal with powerful thrash influences, and i want to highligh the vocals works, and guitar, 'cause the vocals are amazing in every song and becomes pitcher and powerful in everysong, and guitar made a pretty good riffs"

Best thing I've ever read.

That piece really touched me. As in, it violated me.

My reviews are pending for 2 weeks. Is this normal?

Sometimes, yes. The queue is very backed up right now and Metantoine and myself did a rambo run through it last night and only managed to wipe out about a third of it. Also, two things: 1) Asking why your reviews are taking a long time is pretty much a surefire way to annoy the mod team and may end up with us skipping over your reviews until the rest is done, and 2) If you review an album as well covered as Filosofem, chances are it'll take a lot longer since we've all read everything there is to read dozens of times about Burzum, and we don't always want to burn ourselves out again.

Long story short, be patient, we're always working.

Also, asking that in the Crappy Diem is very funny!

No problem, I appreciate it I just wanted to make sure that the system hasn't crashed or anything. Thanks again!

LOL

Ignoring the random reference to The Who shoehorned in...I like how it's his all-time favorite album "so far". He doesn't sound very confident of his preferences.

Clearly the guy doesn't know the difference between its and it's. But I suppose that's the least of his problems

Did he actually make a reference to The Who? No idea, the shit just went over my head.

I think he meant to review a different album and confused M-A with Amazon.

Due to the lack of punctuation, for all we know he could have said "the who shit" calling The Who shit.

Or else he just walked into his living room and saw that someone took a shit on his couch.

That one IS good. I feel like they just grabbed something off that Post-Modern Essay Generator, changed various nouns to song titles, then ran that through Google Translate back and forth through a couple languages.

This is officially the funniest thread here.

yeah that Emerna one is the king of the page, those other "yeah man fucken good death metal!!!!" ones are cool but they aren't the bad reviews you remember. That emerna's up there with grains in her face..