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Ba Zuulizx Karoth
Metal newbie

Joined: Sat Sep 22, 2012 4:19 pm
Posts: 41
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Thu Feb 14, 2013 7:25 pm 
 

I havent seen a joke thread yet. Other than ridiculous spelling errors and dumb opinions of a select few users (of course I post my share of stupid shit to) there is not enough laughs.

I need a laugh. Tell me a joke. It does not have to be metal related, and preferably not clean.

No racism, excessive, unecessary cursing, and childish garbage please!

Thanks and keep rockin'

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inhumanist
Metal freak

Joined: Fri Jan 14, 2011 5:09 pm
Posts: 4263
Location: 50 Forts Along The Rhine
PostPosted: Thu Feb 14, 2013 7:29 pm 
 

I have a bad feeling about the lifespan of this thread.

Anyway.
Why is love like a fart?
Spoiler: show
If you have to force it it's probably shit.
_________________
Metantoine wrote:
If Summoning is the sugar of fantasy metal, is Manowar the bacon?
CorpseFister wrote:
Personally, I prefer to know nothing of the esoteric hierarchy of MA and the profane rituals required to attain rank.

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Ba Zuulizx Karoth
Metal newbie

Joined: Sat Sep 22, 2012 4:19 pm
Posts: 41
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Thu Feb 14, 2013 7:36 pm 
 

Nice.

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TheUglySoldier
Metalhead

Joined: Mon May 12, 2008 3:44 am
Posts: 1673
Location: Australia
PostPosted: Thu Feb 14, 2013 7:37 pm 
 

Hell yeah I got a joke!

Ba Zuulizx Karoth wrote:
No racism,


Never mind.
_________________
Blacksmith - Heavy Metal/Hard Rock from Sydney

Absolute Power: heavy metal and pop culture news, analysis and commentary

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inhumanist
Metal freak

Joined: Fri Jan 14, 2011 5:09 pm
Posts: 4263
Location: 50 Forts Along The Rhine
PostPosted: Thu Feb 14, 2013 7:42 pm 
 

^
Spoiler: show
Image
_________________
Metantoine wrote:
If Summoning is the sugar of fantasy metal, is Manowar the bacon?
CorpseFister wrote:
Personally, I prefer to know nothing of the esoteric hierarchy of MA and the profane rituals required to attain rank.

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Goatfangs
Wicker Mantis

Joined: Tue Mar 18, 2008 5:02 pm
Posts: 2201
Location: United States
PostPosted: Thu Feb 14, 2013 9:00 pm 
 

Being that it's Valentines day, I thought I'd do a Valentine's day joke.

What do single people call Valentines Day?

Spoiler: show
Independence day


What do you call two fishies in love?

Spoiler: show
Guppy love


What do you call two birdies in love?

Spoiler: show
Tweethearts


What do you call two mantises in love?

Spoiler: show
Crime of passion


What is love?

Spoiler: show
Oh, baby don't hurt me
Don't hurt me no more
_________________
And they'll tell you black is really white - The moon is just the sun at night - And when you walk in golden halls - You get to keep the gold that falls - It's Heaven and Hell

7|10|42-RIP-5|16|10

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Nochielo
Metalhead

Joined: Mon Sep 29, 2008 8:20 am
Posts: 1515
Location: Puerto Rico
PostPosted: Thu Feb 14, 2013 10:09 pm 
 

Goatfangs wrote:
What is love?

Spoiler: show
Oh, baby don't hurt me
Don't hurt me no more

Classic.

Anyway, guy is in the doctor's office and the doctor walks in from another room and says
-"Well, sir, I'm sorry but you're gonna have to stop masturbating."

Guys says :
-"Why's that?"

Spoiler: show
-"So I can examine you."

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PhilosophicalFrog
The Hypercube

Joined: Thu May 04, 2006 7:08 pm
Posts: 5751
Location: United States
PostPosted: Thu Feb 14, 2013 10:15 pm 
 

Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other: "you man the guns, I'll drive!"

A cannibal is talking on the phone to another and says: "well, I just don't know if I'll ever like my mother-in-law"
The other says: "we've been over this, just eat the noodles then"
_________________
BAPTIST - dr((((((((((((( )))))))))))))ne, Meditation, Ambient
I write funny things on twitter

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rawsewage
Metal newbie

Joined: Fri Jan 23, 2009 3:29 pm
Posts: 298
PostPosted: Thu Feb 14, 2013 10:47 pm 
 

What do two lesbians do when they are on their periods?

Spoiler: show
Finger Paint

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CrushedRevelation
Devil's right hand

Joined: Sat Nov 12, 2005 8:47 am
Posts: 4914
Location: Australia
PostPosted: Thu Feb 14, 2013 10:59 pm 
 

While Dave was getting a fantastic hand-job from this extremely hot woman, he had to ask;
"You're really good at this!"

to which she says,

"Thanks, I've had a lot of practice."

Dave's reply is,

"So you have done this to lots of guys before?"

Spoiler: show
"No." She replies, "My name used to be Derek."
_________________
Not for mercy does the evolution of I progress...

My collection


Last edited by CrushedRevelation on Thu Feb 14, 2013 10:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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MrMcThrasher II
Metalhead

Joined: Sat Dec 29, 2012 6:01 pm
Posts: 781
Location: United States
PostPosted: Thu Feb 14, 2013 10:59 pm 
 

What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
Spoiler: show
Optimistic
_________________
Murtal wrote:
In flames became MeloDICK Death Metal

TheDefiniteArticle wrote:
Also hopefully they take it as a sign they're not meant to make more albums.

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bloodycumshit
Metalhead

Joined: Sat Sep 15, 2012 11:10 pm
Posts: 494
Location: New Zealand
PostPosted: Fri Feb 15, 2013 12:44 am 
 

these are like the lamest jokes i have ever heard,so i might as well contribute

knock knock!

who's there?

runeep

runeep who?

haha ..... runny poo

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Aurone
Metalhead

Joined: Fri Jun 19, 2009 3:17 pm
Posts: 1341
Location: United States of America
PostPosted: Fri Feb 15, 2013 2:20 am 
 

If your lover dosn't like Star Wars, then you've found love in Alderan places.

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MrMcThrasher II
Metalhead

Joined: Sat Dec 29, 2012 6:01 pm
Posts: 781
Location: United States
PostPosted: Fri Feb 15, 2013 2:47 am 
 

What do elephants use for vibrators?
Spoiler: show
Epileptic Pygmies
_________________
Murtal wrote:
In flames became MeloDICK Death Metal

TheDefiniteArticle wrote:
Also hopefully they take it as a sign they're not meant to make more albums.

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Necroticism174
Kite String Popper

Joined: Mon Mar 30, 2009 6:46 pm
Posts: 4899
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Fri Feb 15, 2013 2:48 am 
 

So there's this dude. He has pretty much what you would call the ideal marriage with a smoking hot chick, but they have one glaring problem. His penis is way too massive for her. It causes her such pain that they basically can't bang. She comes to terms with it and decides to not let it fuck up a good thing, and on their anniversary she gives him a hundred bucks so he can visit a brothel and still get his rocks off.
He's overjoyed, filled to the brim with excitement. Like a child living a thousand christmases simultaneously, he goes to the reception and arranges everything with the woman sitting there. She tells him to go down the hall and open the first door on his left. He does so, and enters. The room is dark, only illuminated by a few candles but not enough to really see all of the girl's features. He goes for it, but only gets about half-way in before she whelps in pain. So much for that, he thinks, and walks out. Demanding his money back, the receptionist tells him that there's another room he can go to, and if that one doesn't do the trick he can get reimbursed and be on his way. He goes in, and it's the same deal. Pretty dark, and silent. He actually manages to do his thing, for the first time in his life. When he finishes, he's ecstatic. He thanks the girl, but she doesn't respond. He suddenly notices that she's foaming at the mouth. Panicking, he runs out and tells the woman. Her only response is frustration, as she turns to the man mopping the floor and yells ''God damn it, Harold, the dead girl is full again!''
_________________
lord_ghengis about Vomitory splitting up wrote:
They were a band who understood music needed more explosions.

http://www.last.fm/user/TheEndTimeRiff
http://halberddoom.bandcamp.com/releases

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Oberst_Orlok_SS
Metalhead

Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2008 11:09 am
Posts: 400
Location: Germany
PostPosted: Fri Feb 15, 2013 3:24 am 
 

What has eight legs and one giant prick??

Spoiler: show
Megadeth
_________________
bassistneededlolnot wrote:
Houston...

...she had a drug problem.

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bloodycumshit
Metalhead

Joined: Sat Sep 15, 2012 11:10 pm
Posts: 494
Location: New Zealand
PostPosted: Fri Feb 15, 2013 3:46 am 
 

Oberst_Orlok_SS wrote:
What has eight legs and one giant prick??

Spoiler: show
Megadeth


:headbang: :roll:

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MrMcThrasher II
Metalhead

Joined: Sat Dec 29, 2012 6:01 pm
Posts: 781
Location: United States
PostPosted: Fri Feb 15, 2013 8:20 pm 
 

Why are elephants big, grey, and wrinkly?
Spoiler: show
If they were small, white, and smooth, they'd be an aspirin.
_________________
Murtal wrote:
In flames became MeloDICK Death Metal

TheDefiniteArticle wrote:
Also hopefully they take it as a sign they're not meant to make more albums.

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theposega
Poser Slayer Grindman Arselick Level X

Joined: Tue Mar 11, 2008 9:42 pm
Posts: 2844
Location: Basedworld
PostPosted: Fri Feb 15, 2013 10:35 pm 
 

Why can't Jesus play hockey?
Spoiler: show
He's always getting nailed to the boards.


What a hockey layer and an Amish woman have in common?
Spoiler: show
They both get a shower every three periods.
_________________
Shane Embury's nudes

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rawsewage
Metal newbie

Joined: Fri Jan 23, 2009 3:29 pm
Posts: 298
PostPosted: Fri Feb 15, 2013 11:18 pm 
 

What's the Difference between a pair of jeans and an ethiopian?

Spoiler: show
A pair of Jeans only has one fly on it.

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slayerhatesusall
Metalhead

Joined: Fri Oct 24, 2008 7:45 pm
Posts: 1807
Location: United States
PostPosted: Fri Feb 15, 2013 11:44 pm 
 

Most of these jokes are offensive wrong horrible filthy disgusting messed up jokes, if you get offended easily don't click:

Spoiler: show
"I was raping a woman the other night and she cried, "Please, think of my children!"

Kinky bitch."

"In a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse whenone wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane, "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I am going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me feel like a woman! I've had it! Is there ANYONE on the plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?!"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare riveted at the desperate woman in front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous — tall, built with long, flowing balck hair and jet black eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.

No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and he extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman and whispers: "Iron this."

"Pedophiles are poor guys, they're always coming in a little behind."

"So I buy this girl a drink at the bar and you know what she does? She says "thanks" and hands it to her boyfriend...

Now normally that would piss me off; but it was fucking hilarious watching him drink that roofie."

"Why can't you fool an aborted foetus?

It wasn't born yesterday."

"A guy finds a bottle with 2 blonde genies. They grant him 3 wishes.

He thinks about it...suddenly he is in a vast room filled with money up to his waist. He sees a door on the other side of the room and makes his way to it...

He now finds himself in another vast room filled with beautiful, naked women. He looks across the room and sees another door. He makes his way through those beautiful, naked women and opens the door, when suddenly...

He is hanged by his neck until he is dead.

Some time later the 2 blonde genies are walking along the beach chatting and the subject of the guy who released them came up. One says to the other, "I understand why he wanted wealth beyond his wildest dreams. I certainly understand why he wanted to be surrounded by beautiful, naked women. But, why in the world did he want to be hung like a black man?"


"Statistically, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape."

"I'm not racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people."

"What has more brains than Kurt Cobain?

The wall behind him."

"A man is eating a woman out when he tastes horse semen. He looks up and goes, "So that's how you died, Grandma!"

"So the other day my girlfriend called me a pedophile. I said 'that's a pretty big word for a 10 year old!'"

"Where did the little girl go after the explosion? Everywhere."

"So a masochist, a pyromaniac, a necrophile, a sadist, a pedophile, and a zoophile are all standing in a jail cell. The zoophile says, "You know what I could really go for right now? Sex with a cat." The pedophile says, "Even better: Sex with a kitten." The sadist asks, "How about we beat the kitten up, and THEN have sex with it?" The necrophile adds, "Alright let's beat a kitten to death, and then have sex with it." Then the pyromaniac says, "Okay, how about we beat a kitten to death, light it on fire, and then have sex with it?" After all of this the masochist finally speaks up and says,

"Meow."
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Polygonum- Experimental electronics, drones and noise, free to download

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beeneNOLAdoobie
Metal newbie

Joined: Mon Sep 26, 2005 3:25 am
Posts: 151
Location: United States of America
PostPosted: Sat Feb 16, 2013 1:00 am 
 

Image

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Nochielo
Metalhead

Joined: Mon Sep 29, 2008 8:20 am
Posts: 1515
Location: Puerto Rico
PostPosted: Sat Feb 16, 2013 1:05 am 
 

Come on guys, easy on the racist jokes.

So, three guys are leaving a bar after partying and decide to go to a whorehouse to call it a night. They walk in, and ask for three prostitutes, one for each guy. The receptionist says that they only have two prostitutes and an inflatable doll available for the night. Two of the guys decide to leave the inflatable doll to the other guy which is very drunk. Each guy walks into his respective room and spend the night.

Next day, the dudes meet in the lobby. First guy says: "My woman was a fearsome animal in bed." Second guy says: "Mine was brutal and down for anything." Last guy says:
Spoiler: show
"Mine was terrible. She was just lying there yawning, so I bit one of her tits, she farted, then flew out the window."

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katatonia47
Metal newbie

Joined: Tue Jun 21, 2011 6:54 am
Posts: 272
Location: Australia
PostPosted: Sat Feb 16, 2013 7:40 am 
 

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender asks 'would you like a drink?'.
The horse, not understanding English, shits on the floor and leaves.

A horse walks into a bar, all of the patrons leave due to the obvious danger this presents.
_________________
"Work for pay, pay for freedom, fuck 'em all we don't need 'em" - Acid Bath

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inhumanist
Metal freak

Joined: Fri Jan 14, 2011 5:09 pm
Posts: 4263
Location: 50 Forts Along The Rhine
PostPosted: Sat Feb 16, 2013 8:24 am 
 

May have told this one before. I can't remember a lot of jokes.

A man drives down a lonely road. Suddenly there's a little yellow man standing in the middle of the road. He hits the brakes, the midget comes to his window and says "I'm the little yellow man and I want a Twix!". The puzzled man opens his glovebox, finds a Twix, hands it to the midget and drives on. After a while there's a red man standing on the road. He stops again, the red dude comes to his window and says "I'm the little red man and I want a Snickers!". There's a Snickers in the glove box so he hands it to him and drives on. Some time later there's a blue man on the road. When he comes to his window the driver says: "I bet you are the little blue man who wants a Bounty!"
Spoiler: show
"No, I'm the police. Please hand me your driver's license."
_________________
Metantoine wrote:
If Summoning is the sugar of fantasy metal, is Manowar the bacon?
CorpseFister wrote:
Personally, I prefer to know nothing of the esoteric hierarchy of MA and the profane rituals required to attain rank.

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Aurone
Metalhead

Joined: Fri Jun 19, 2009 3:17 pm
Posts: 1341
Location: United States of America
PostPosted: Sat Feb 16, 2013 1:07 pm 
 

What do you call a woman fucking a branch?

Spoiler: show
An Amish with her dildo.

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Necessitarian
Metal newbie

Joined: Tue Jan 22, 2013 3:20 am
Posts: 147
PostPosted: Sat Feb 16, 2013 4:04 pm 
 

slayerhatesusall wrote:
"So the other day my girlfriend called me a pedophile. I said 'that's a pretty big word for a 10 year old!'"

:lol:

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Subrick
Metal freak

Joined: Sun Sep 12, 2010 7:27 pm
Posts: 5801
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sat Feb 16, 2013 4:11 pm 
 

Time for everyone to hate me.

Why was the black Jew pissed off?

Spoiler: show
He was made to sit in the back of the oven.
_________________
YouTube
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Sorrowseed Melodic Extreme Metal
Blacksoul Seraphim Doomgaze
Thy Ancient Crypt Blackened Death Metal

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FasterDisaster
OMG WAT DOES THIS CAPS LOCK KEY DO

Joined: Fri Feb 23, 2007 2:08 pm
Posts: 6341
PostPosted: Sat Feb 16, 2013 4:39 pm 
 

Why did the chicken cross the road?
_________________
Abominatrix wrote:
No way, that sounds great...especially the asparagus. Mmmm yes indeed.

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Necessitarian
Metal newbie

Joined: Tue Jan 22, 2013 3:20 am
Posts: 147
PostPosted: Sat Feb 16, 2013 4:40 pm 
 

To get to the other side.

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mindshadow
Echoes in an empty cranium

Joined: Wed Jan 12, 2011 8:36 am
Posts: 1966
Location: Panopticon
PostPosted: Sat Feb 16, 2013 4:40 pm 
 

2 Canadians charter a flight to go hunting.

After a long day they instruct their porters to drag back 1 moose, 4 deer and a bison.

as they approach, the pilot shouts that his aircraft won't cope with the weight and they'll have to leave something behind. The 2 guys assure him that the season before the pilot had no difficulty taking a similar amount on board.

Reluctantly he agrees, but soon after take off the aircraft goes down into dense forest.

The 2 Canadians are the only survivors.

"where do you think we are?" one asks

"probably the same place we crashed last year" his mate replies
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Outgunned, outnumbered, though never outclassed

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FasterDisaster
OMG WAT DOES THIS CAPS LOCK KEY DO

Joined: Fri Feb 23, 2007 2:08 pm
Posts: 6341
PostPosted: Sat Feb 16, 2013 4:41 pm 
 

Necessitarian wrote:
To get to the other side.

Is this the real answer to that joke? I honestly don't remember.
_________________
Abominatrix wrote:
No way, that sounds great...especially the asparagus. Mmmm yes indeed.

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Necessitarian
Metal newbie

Joined: Tue Jan 22, 2013 3:20 am
Posts: 147
PostPosted: Sat Feb 16, 2013 4:42 pm 
 

As far as I know. There are others as well probably.

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dreadmeat
Metal freak

Joined: Sat Oct 04, 2008 4:50 am
Posts: 5381
Location: New Zealand
PostPosted: Sat Feb 16, 2013 7:59 pm 
 

Clean jokes:

What do you call a lost Asian?
Spoiler: show
Disoriental


The definition of poverty
Spoiler: show
Having to feed the Goldfish with dandruff
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Selling/swaps viewtopic.php?p=2040422
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burnroasted
Metal newbie

Joined: Mon Nov 01, 2010 11:00 am
Posts: 207
PostPosted: Sat Feb 16, 2013 10:58 pm 
 

inhumanist wrote:
May have told this one before. I can't remember a lot of jokes.

A man drives down a lonely road. Suddenly there's a little yellow man standing in the middle of the road. He hits the brakes, the midget comes to his window and says "I'm the little yellow man and I want a Twix!". The puzzled man opens his glovebox, finds a Twix, hands it to the midget and drives on. After a while there's a red man standing on the road. He stops again, the red dude comes to his window and says "I'm the little red man and I want a Snickers!". There's a Snickers in the glove box so he hands it to him and drives on. Some time later there's a blue man on the road. When he comes to his window the driver says: "I bet you are the little blue man who wants a Bounty!"
Spoiler: show
"No, I'm the police. Please hand me your driver's license."

I dont get it

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The_Apex_of_Collapse
Metalhead

Joined: Wed Jul 22, 2009 11:29 pm
Posts: 1492
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Sat Feb 16, 2013 11:13 pm 
 

A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, "we don't serve your kind here!"

The mushroom replies, "Why? I'm a fungi."
_________________
Resident Speedmetal, and Metalpunk warrior
R.I.P Keith Deen, Vocalist for the almighty Holy Terror.

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katatonia47
Metal newbie

Joined: Tue Jun 21, 2011 6:54 am
Posts: 272
Location: Australia
PostPosted: Sun Feb 17, 2013 6:51 am 
 

A neutron walks into a bar and asks for a drink, he says 'what do I owe you?' the bartender says 'for you? No charge'.

A proton walks into a bar and asks the drink, the bartender asks if he's sure, and proton says 'I'm positive'.
_________________
"Work for pay, pay for freedom, fuck 'em all we don't need 'em" - Acid Bath

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eaters_of_the_dead
Metal newbie

Joined: Sat Feb 28, 2009 8:12 pm
Posts: 123
Location: United States of America
PostPosted: Sun Feb 17, 2013 1:32 pm 
 

What do Grateful Dead fans say when they run out of drugs?
"Hey, what's that horrible music?!!"

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dreadmeat
Metal freak

Joined: Sat Oct 04, 2008 4:50 am
Posts: 5381
Location: New Zealand
PostPosted: Sun Feb 17, 2013 3:53 pm 
 

eaters_of_the_dead wrote:
What do Grateful Dead fans say when they run out of drugs?
"Hey, what's that horrible music?!!"
ha ha ha :lol:

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles,
Spoiler: show
"Ain't no use knockin'! There's no paper on this side either!"
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Goatfangs
Wicker Mantis

Joined: Tue Mar 18, 2008 5:02 pm
Posts: 2201
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sun Feb 17, 2013 9:38 pm 
 

A Higgs Boson walks into a cathedral. The Catholic priest says to the Boson, "We don't allow your kind in here!"

The Higgs Boson responds, "But without me, you cannot have mass!"
_________________
And they'll tell you black is really white - The moon is just the sun at night - And when you walk in golden halls - You get to keep the gold that falls - It's Heaven and Hell

7|10|42-RIP-5|16|10

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