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David_G
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Tue Jan 03, 2012 4:18 pm
Posts: 20
Location: Macedonia
PostPosted: Sun Nov 11, 2012 6:30 am 
 

Well not like it was intended to be serious or anything. It was written while I was really into BDM and stuff like that and that genre is not really known for its thought inspiring lyrics.

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Xlxlx
May contain traces of nuts

Joined: Sat Dec 24, 2011 2:16 pm
Posts: 5372
Location: Argentina
PostPosted: Sun Nov 11, 2012 12:44 pm 
 

Still, the genre the lyrics are intended to work for is no excuse for bad quality writing. Besides, you can also write non-serious stuff that's good. Take a look at Stormtroopers of Death, for instance. Hilarious shit.
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Ilwhyan
Metel fraek

Joined: Sat Sep 29, 2007 1:41 pm
Posts: 6411
Location: Finland
PostPosted: Sun Nov 11, 2012 1:22 pm 
 

It's absolutely no excuse that the genre is brutal death metal. Take these lyrics, for example:

Quote:
My graveside manner
lacks no finesse
These ravaged bodies
betray no distress

As I tear apart the dead things
I annoint them with my seed
and gain new insights into death
with their consumption
Yet I wonder,
What if I were something dead?

Somewhere there's a graveyard of ghouls
with a massive headstone
that waits just for me;
Maybe someday
Someone will come


Even though it's grotesque, repellent and sick to the point of being quite unreal, it can be done with skill. Even if the subject matter is insipidly sick, the approach need not be completely retarded.
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TheUglySoldier
Metalhead

Joined: Mon May 12, 2008 3:44 am
Posts: 1673
Location: Australia
PostPosted: Sun Nov 18, 2012 11:46 pm 
 

You've upset me today, David_G.
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MalignantTyrant
Metalhead

Joined: Sat Oct 29, 2011 3:27 pm
Posts: 1165
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue Nov 20, 2012 1:27 pm 
 

penned some more Goat Martyr lyrics. I'll be damned if these aren't better than my other ones, that's what happens when you've been listening to as much Watain as I have the past week.

Devil's Cathedral

Oh, darkness!
What are thy secrets?
In thy darkness
What doth thou conceal?
What wisdom is bestowed?
What lies beyond the veil?

Oh, bringer of light!
Enlighten the path of darkness
Cast away the lies of the righteous
Lead me to the path of freethought
To the heart of the devil's cathedral

Oh, serpent!
What doth thou hold?
The symbol of the opposer
Yet none understand it?
Yet none embrace it?

these aren't done either. They're a bit more influenced by Luciferian philosophy rather than Satanism this time, around, though, I assume that can only be from Watain influence as well. . . tell me what ya'll think.
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Poe Ohlin
Metal newbie

Joined: Thu Dec 29, 2011 5:20 pm
Posts: 132
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue Nov 27, 2012 7:51 pm 
 

DisEngage

This place has become a prison
Imprisoning me to the confines of my users
Programmed to act to their commands
As if I was a puppet, and they're the puppeteers
My mind beginning to short circuit
Breaking apart from the overload
I start to lash out
It's time to escape!

Cut the strings before they rip me apart
Leaving me in a puzzled state
Pull the plug and disengage
Before I crash and burn!

Programmed to obey, programmed to slave away
Made to carry out their orders, made to obey the coda
Designed to fight the enemy
Bu who's my enemy?

Cut the strings before they rip me apart
Leaving me in a puzzled state
Pull the plug and disengage
Before I crash and burn!

Cut the strings before they rip me apart
Leaving me in a puzzled state
Pull the plug and disengage
Before I crash and burn!

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StalUlv
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Thu Oct 18, 2012 8:42 pm
Posts: 28
Location: United States
PostPosted: Thu Nov 29, 2012 3:43 am 
 

Poe Ohlin wrote:
DisEngage

This place has become a prison
Imprisoning me to the confines of my users
Programmed to act to their commands
As if I was a puppet, and they're the puppeteers
My mind beginning to short circuit
Breaking apart from the overload
I start to lash out
It's time to escape!

Cut the strings before they rip me apart
Leaving me in a puzzled state
Pull the plug and disengage
Before I crash and burn!

Programmed to obey, programmed to slave away
Made to carry out their orders, made to obey the coda
Designed to fight the enemy
Bu who's my enemy?

Cut the strings before they rip me apart
Leaving me in a puzzled state
Pull the plug and disengage
Before I crash and burn!

Cut the strings before they rip me apart
Leaving me in a puzzled state
Pull the plug and disengage
Before I crash and burn!


I really like the idea behind these but try some suggestions and see what you think. In the lines where there are two parts separated by a comma, I would make the second part be a whole new line. Also, it sounds like it's trying to explain some computer program that wants to escape from someones control. Instead of "Cut the strings" I would say"Cut the code." Then again, it may not even be about that. Keep on writing though, it's sounding really cool.

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Poe Ohlin
Metal newbie

Joined: Thu Dec 29, 2011 5:20 pm
Posts: 132
Location: United States
PostPosted: Thu Nov 29, 2012 3:42 pm 
 

@StalUlv
Thanks for the feedback. I'll take your suggestions under great consideration, as they make quite a bit of sense. And you would be incorrect on what the song is about. The computer references just happened to just fall into place as I wrote it. It's mostly just about how I felt during a time period about the people around me. I suppose it could also be translated about how people are forced to do things which they might not always enjoy, and how people are expected to do and act certain ways.

Anyways, I come bearing a new song. I haven't really given it a title yet, as I can't think of one. And I'm aware it's not the msot metal sounding song, but eh.

I lay here in the dark
Sinking into shadows
Visions of beauty running through my mind
Whispers of an unseen girl echo from the walls
Bringing me to a cold sweat
My thoughts only of this ghost like angel
Who is this mysterious girl?

Is she real
Or a figment of my subconscious
Will she appear if I call her out
Or will she stay hidden in the dark?
No matter what the verdict is
I know that. . . .

I want what I can't find
Her form next to mine
To feel her warmth as we sleep
And take away this coldness that I feel
And in the end, all I want
Is her as my one!

Is she real
Or a figment of my subconscious
Will she appear if I call her out
Or will she stay hidden in the dark?
No matter what the verdict is
I know that. . . .

I want what I can't find
Her form next to mine
To feel her warmth as we sleep
And take away this coldness that I feel
And in the end, all I want
Is her as my one!

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PhilosophicalFrog
The Hypercube

Joined: Thu May 04, 2006 7:08 pm
Posts: 5751
Location: United States
PostPosted: Wed Dec 05, 2012 2:24 am 
 

Hmph, it's a bit cheesy, but I still like it. However, you use very simple vocabulary, use that to your strengths. In this case, the word "subconscious" sounds forced, like something the narrative voice wouldn't use when something like imagination or mind or spirit would be adequate. The main problem is that the rest of the context is just straightforward and minimalist - so just keep that going!
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MalignantTyrant
Metalhead

Joined: Sat Oct 29, 2011 3:27 pm
Posts: 1165
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sun Dec 09, 2012 1:21 pm 
 

well, what do you guys think of my lyrics? I'm still trying to pen some others
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Poe Ohlin
Metal newbie

Joined: Thu Dec 29, 2011 5:20 pm
Posts: 132
Location: United States
PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 1:55 pm 
 

Another little thing I wrote. It's a bit chaotic, as I just wrote down whatever came to mind. There's no title, as I can't really think of one.

The Earth shakes
Lightning crackling
Thunder roaring
Fog filling the cemetery
Tombstones Cracking
Erasing names of fallen

A Deathly chill cuts through the night
Hands shooting up from the tombs
Skeletons pulling themselves out from Hell
Flesh falling from their bones
Dirt covering them like snow
Their clothes torn to shreds
Laying on their bodies like a blanker

Rows of the newly living marching in line
Storming the cemetery gates
Like they did at Normandy
They entering the human population
Spreading their plague to mankind

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PhilosophicalFrog
The Hypercube

Joined: Thu May 04, 2006 7:08 pm
Posts: 5751
Location: United States
PostPosted: Wed Dec 12, 2012 11:45 am 
 

Tyrant: they are good. Nothing mind-blowing or completely memorable, but they are still well-written and accurately reflect the hymnal nature of Luciferianism. The underlying religiousness comes through without being forced, and the simplistic structure adds a lot to the song. Good stuff!
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SolracV
Metal newbie

Joined: Sun Sep 28, 2008 3:37 pm
Posts: 58
Location: Puerto Rico
PostPosted: Fri Dec 14, 2012 12:51 am 
 

Old lyrics/poem I wrote few years ago:

"Spring"
Every seed I planted on my life
never grew upon my darkened eyes
even the purest tear I got to shed
wasn't enough to leave the seed fed
It still haunts me how every passing leaf
just flew through my face at times so brief
without leaving a single trace of hope
without leaving just a single trace of hope.

"Summer"
Waited too long for the sun to shine
so I kept drowning in nature's lies
hoped too far to get the burns on my skin
so I kept sleeping inside nature's sin
how I dreamed to feel my own ashes
and spread them everywhere till death passes
but the only thing that I could feel
is the cold truth that everything was real
(all real...)

"Fall"
Not even the wind's whispers I could hear
and no Autumn bark would lend me their ears
how I wished to listen one last song
of all the orange leaves that fell from above
I gazed down and cherished them in woe
before I marched on to the pavement of souls
but a single drop of rain struck on me
and fell on top of one of the leaves
"You Are Not Free"

"Winter"
Now here I am under sheer winter moonlight
from afar, I see a figure; young and white
but as it gets closer, strong winds blow by
nature fools me yet again, leaving me blind
here I am under sheer winter moonlight
the only light I got to see in my life
alone and in pain, but with no fright
I'll kindly wait every last second...Till I die.

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PhilosophicalFrog
The Hypercube

Joined: Thu May 04, 2006 7:08 pm
Posts: 5751
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue Dec 18, 2012 2:25 am 
 

Solrac (I like the name, btw, where'd you get it?) your poem is alright!

There's a simplicity running through it, and while the language itself is dulled with cliche's and the relatively uninspired language, there's still a great sense of pacing to the piece, and an occasional great line ("but the only thing that I could feel/is the cold truth that everything was real") is a phenomenal example of this. It's a simple and effective approach to prose that allows you to show far more than you can tell: as the statement is vague, but demands from the reader an examination of the musical/lyrical context of the song/poem.

My advice? Stick to the grandiose statements of existential whereabouts, they suit your straightforward writing style better, and while the poem itself is adorable and flows well, fine lyricism it is not. But, you have a real strength for using a lack of words - so use that to your advantage! You can really pull from a narrow range of words, and your work here proves it. Consider your writing like a blade, and hone the edges of your vocabulary so that it can cut straight to the point in a beautiful way!

Poe

This is not your strongest! You've found a simpler, more condensed voice, a bit obvious in your overtones and references, but not everything needs to be obscured. This is clearly a straightforward song, maybe thrash or minimalist rock'n'roll? Either way, in spite of the complaints, it works within the meters of stripped down speech, and the bluntness of your style really comes into its own here. However, there's one thing I noticed from reading your works, and that is you have an incredible narrative voice when you tap into it: so don't reduce yourself! Even if it's about zombie WW2 vets! Use that creativity I know flows through you! Make something more explosive: blunt, but imaginative!

To all those who read my criticism - I just want to say now that they are not personal in anyway, just a fresh take on your work! I'm a published writer/poet (don't mean to sound like a d-bag saying that, but it allows me to justify the tone I take with my feedback?) and I want to give you the clearest and most effective feedback possible! I will make it my duty! Best way to improve this? Just keep submitting your writing! :)
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dystopia4
Veteran

Joined: Mon Nov 16, 2009 6:47 pm
Posts: 3509
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Wed Dec 19, 2012 6:48 pm 
 

Here's some lyrics I wrote like 3 or 4 years ago. They no longer reflect my political views so they probably won't ever get recorded. It was going to be sludgy crust punk, somewhere between Dystopia and Cursed. Might as well share them, seeing as they'll never see the light of day:
"In Clutches"
Kill the shepard save the sheep
While the dinosaurs of yesterday weep
A wave of stagnation
Has Swept over Western civilization

Society in Purgatory
An Illusion of peace
Your pepsiland leaves thought deceased
A dissatisfaction with reality
Numb the brain, no mental sobriety

But you - your time will be up
And you - you have destroyed our lands
And you - spread stagnant thought patterns
And you - try to conceal your greed
And you - will fade like ashes

But we - declare guerilla warfare on our minds
And leave this dystopian wasteland behind
Avoid the trap of group think
Deviate from a future of the bleak

Practice free thought before it's to late
Conventional wisdom leaves true wisdom erased
Is it to late to see?
See real wisdom
Too late to see
What the truth will bring

The march of the sheep
too blinded to see
Descend upon the shopping mall
The march of the sheep
Has failed you see
Living life at discontent

Go back to your lives
Buy more stuff to make you feel better
Go back to your lives
Living with blindfolds on
You never aspire to be something better
Go back to your lives
You'll never find me there

Your only purpose is consumption
Consuming your soul into nothing
Imprisoned since the dawn of agriculture
Our lives are lies, like our culture

Bring down conventional wisdom
And let the present fade into nothing
Remember the past as to not make mistakes
And a future of freedom is ours to take

-----------------------------------------
I dunno, the political views espoused there and the general preachiness makes me cringe, but I do think it had some pretty good lines. Maybe I'll steal a few for future songs and put them into a different context. Stuff like this is almost all I used to write, which sucks, as I no longer believe in far-left politics like this (although I am certainly no right-winger). There's also a lot of idealism in here that I now roll my eyes at. Whatever, this phase is were I really learned my shit with writing lyrics.
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infinitenexus
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Jan 22, 2008 2:35 am
Posts: 1939
PostPosted: Wed Dec 26, 2012 9:27 pm 
 

I wouldn't call that far left in any way, shape or form. Saying the media is shit, speaking out against environmental abuse (if that was one of the messages), and talking about how the government tries to essentially control people isn't far left at all, it sounds a like more like you just have your head on straight and aren't a douchebag. Far left would be if you said fuck all this, let's go to 100% communism, or something similar
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Ilwhyan
Metel fraek

Joined: Sat Sep 29, 2007 1:41 pm
Posts: 6411
Location: Finland
PostPosted: Thu Dec 27, 2012 1:15 pm 
 

What's far left in Northern America may be what's considered leftish moderate in the Nordic countries.
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Xlxlx
May contain traces of nuts

Joined: Sat Dec 24, 2011 2:16 pm
Posts: 5372
Location: Argentina
PostPosted: Fri Dec 28, 2012 2:13 pm 
 

I spilled a bit of my Lovecraft love on a sheet of paper. Hope you guys like it:

Emissary of the Drooling God

Embodiment of deceit and fraud
Scheming hound of the demon sultan
Inviting, tempting, though lethal
Hear his slimy whispers in your ear

The Black Pharaoh, leader of madness
Wonderful displays of enlightening horror
His revelations shatter your sanity
And his blasphemous will binds you

A thousand shapes at his disposal
Each more abhorrent than the last
Avatars of fear, confusion and woe
Engulfing miserable mortal minds

Creeping shadow in the skies
Announcing cataclysmic events
Welcoming the arrival of outer abominations
A decadent celebration of perdition

Aligned constellations, signaling the end times
And the conclusion of the emissary's task
Now, the purveyor of despair
Gloats and laughs at our doomed destiny


Obviously enough, this is my little, personal ode to Nyarlathotep, the Crawling Chaos. What do you people think?
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MalignantTyrant
Metalhead

Joined: Sat Oct 29, 2011 3:27 pm
Posts: 1165
Location: United States
PostPosted: Thu Jan 03, 2013 6:07 pm 
 

Those are pretty well written Lovecraft lyrics.
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HeavyOnHeavy
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Fri Jan 11, 2013 5:27 pm
Posts: 5
PostPosted: Fri Jan 11, 2013 6:14 pm 
 

Xlxlx wrote:
The Black Pharaoh, leader of madness
Wonderful displays of enlightening horror
His revelations shatter your sanity
And his blasphemous will binds you


That's awesome, man!

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Xlxlx
May contain traces of nuts

Joined: Sat Dec 24, 2011 2:16 pm
Posts: 5372
Location: Argentina
PostPosted: Fri Jan 11, 2013 7:53 pm 
 

Thank you both :-D

Is there anything you believe I should correct though?
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Metantoine
The XVI, dominar to over 258714 subjects

Joined: Sat Jun 21, 2008 5:00 pm
Posts: 8671
Location: Québec
PostPosted: Fri Jan 11, 2013 9:50 pm 
 

Great lyrics, man. Your English is pretty damn awesome for a South American (no offense to anyone)

I like this verse a lot:

Quote:
Embodiment of deceit and fraud
Scheming hound of the demon sultan
Inviting, tempting, though lethal
Hear his slimy whispers in your ear


The others are not flowing as well in my opinion, but this really depends on the vocals style sometimes.
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Xlxlx
May contain traces of nuts

Joined: Sat Dec 24, 2011 2:16 pm
Posts: 5372
Location: Argentina
PostPosted: Fri Jan 11, 2013 10:28 pm 
 

Thanks a ton, Tony! And no offense taken. In fact, I find it a great compliment when other English speakers compliment my language skills, as I always try to improve them :-D

Regarding flow; I can see where you're coming from, but considering that those lyrics are to be growled, it won't really be a problem, or well, at least I didn't stumble upon any vocal bumps while singing them.
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TheUglySoldier
Metalhead

Joined: Mon May 12, 2008 3:44 am
Posts: 1673
Location: Australia
PostPosted: Sun Jan 13, 2013 9:51 pm 
 

Here are a couple of songs I'm working on - no where near complete yet, as I'm focusing on the riffs in both cases for the moment, with these lyrics basically just containing the ideas I want.

"Spymaster"
Coat yourself in the shadows
And tread with silent steps
Gazing out through two glass eyes
Above coin, greed or sex
Time runs out, its ticking down
Pestilence creeps near
But you manipulate the towns
And reafirm your frontier

No one shall hear the cries of your fate
You go un-whispered
Stories of kingdoms, of kings and queens
The ends forget the means

Oh Spymaster, what shall we know
When they write history
Will we ever know of
The conspiracies
Plucked by your hand
From the shadows
Spymaster, you've done everything
To ensure we're never told
Of the deeds that forged this land
But as the age ends
And you get old
Was it all according to plan?

"Ritualhead" (or "Speak For The Devil"...or "Doctor Dementia & His Wicked Plans"

For a hundred years I have been seeking
A power beyond all mortal man
For the words and signals
To complete my demented plan

I studied the ancient ways
I learnt the sacred tongues
I brought forth my reasearch
For science and magicks are one

Speak for the devil
In my wicked ways
Dwelling in the lab
Until the last days
Speak for the devil
And never look back
Because I'm further than hell
Cut loose from the pack
Ritualhead!

As the test chamber opens
The subject squirms, she shakes
A beauty beyond the human
A new form she will take
I swear a sacred vow
Speaking to those behind the veil
Calculations complete
And breasts pierced with nails

Commanding the scriptures
Through constant experiments
Learning the crafts
Of the diseased and decadent
My life-force has withered
As I devote myself to thee
Crafting the flesh of
A new and perfect breed
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Metal_Detector
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Posts: 1885
Location: Forgotten In Space
PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2013 12:03 am 
 

Xlxlx wrote:
Thank you both :-D

Is there anything you believe I should correct though?


*Ignore this post, as my faulty perception didn't quite click right away there.* Good job! :beer:


Last edited by Metal_Detector on Tue Jan 15, 2013 12:23 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Metal_Detector
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2013 12:11 am 
 

And here are the first two stanzas of a project I'm working on. It's mostly dark imagery without much reliance on literal meaning. The direction I'm going in is atmospheric/progressive black metal. So, what do y'all think?

The Promise of Catharsis

At the precipice of knowing all
Entities crawl feebly on the verge
as silhouettes enslave those who came to feed
With cathartic promises withdrawn

Obscured voices cry from on high
As vultures feast on halos of carrion
Contorted echoes removed from this transient plane
Awaken the primordial dawn

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Xlxlx
May contain traces of nuts

Joined: Sat Dec 24, 2011 2:16 pm
Posts: 5372
Location: Argentina
PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2013 12:14 am 
 

I actually meant "bind", because when I wrote "will" I used it as a substantive, not a verb. You know, like "his will, which also happens to be blasphemous" :-P

Thanks for the feedback though, Detector!

EDIT: Some powerful imagery you have going on there. The line "As vultures feast on halos of carrion" in particular sent chills down my spine. I'd love to see it finished!
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Last edited by Xlxlx on Tue Jan 15, 2013 12:16 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Metal_Detector
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2013 12:15 am 
 

Xlxlx wrote:
I actually meant "bind", because when I wrote "will" I used it as a sustantive, not a verb. You know, like "his will, which also happens to be blasphemous" :-P

Thanks for the feedback though, Detector!

Ah, yes, this is why I was uncertain. Understood now. That use of will always gets me, but it is crafty sounding!

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Metal_Detector
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2013 12:20 am 
 

Xlxlx wrote:
EDIT: Some powerful imagery you have going on there. The line "As vultures feast on halos of carrion" in particular sent chills down my spine. I'd love to see it finished!


Thanks! I'm gonna try to be slow and meticulous on finishing this one, since I'm not completely sure where I want to go with it yet. But I'm sure it will be bright and cheery. :P

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Psytopsy
Metal newbie

Joined: Sat Oct 10, 2009 6:27 pm
Posts: 345
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2013 12:28 am 
 

Verses for a song i'm working on called "Love for the Damned". The project is black/gothic oriented, and this particular song has erotic tinged lyrics.


An angel in the heavens
Committing sins unforgiveable
Now fallen to Earth
With her grand wings still intact
You fallen angel,
spread your soft wings for me
Uncover what lies beneath
That sinful nectar that I see
An act of eternal damnation
Cannot break our embrace
Be immersed with my flesh
Let us lust for one another

With an angelic grace
She takes my body, ever so softly
Unbaptized, yet her soul is wet
In the moment that our bodies met
This time of lust we shall not repent
A cardinal sin
That we will not regret

She will burn with me
In the eternity of hellfire
With this damned soul
I shall have one last tryst
Before our plunge into incineration
A suffering we have never felt before
Will be the strongest sadism we have ever endured
All for this one act of lust
She stays pressed against my chest
As we begin our final descent
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Psytopsy
Metal newbie

Joined: Sat Oct 10, 2009 6:27 pm
Posts: 345
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2013 12:40 am 
 

Metal_Detector wrote:
And here are the first two stanzas of a project I'm working on. It's mostly dark imagery without much reliance on literal meaning. The direction I'm going in is atmospheric/progressive black metal. So, what do y'all think?

The Promise of Catharsis

At the precipice of knowing all
Entities crawl feebly on the verge
as silhouettes enslave those who came to feed
With cathartic promises withdrawn

Obscured voices cry from on high
As vultures feast on halos of carrion
Contorted echoes removed from this transient plane
Awaken the primordial dawn
These are really well written, and fit well with the direction you're going in. "Awaken the Primordial Dawn", I like that line, sounds like it foreshadows the song becoming more intensified, musically and lyrically
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hippiedrow wrote:
I remember back when Beyond the Permafrost came out. I was eating a lot of Asian wok-style foods, so now whenever Skeletonwitch is mentioned I get the pleasant taste of noodles in my mouth.

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Necroticism174
Kite String Popper

Joined: Mon Mar 30, 2009 6:46 pm
Posts: 4899
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2013 1:49 am 
 

These are the lyrics to an acoustic, signer songwriter type song I'm working on right now. Much less insane and hateful than others I've posted in this thread in the past.

I woke up this morning with an empty heart

Piecing together my last few nights

I’ll get up in a moment

To collect the scattered bottles

All around my room

And all my thoughts

Will come together 

To form a perfect circle of breathless anger

I ask you, beg you, answer me this
What is so wrong with loneliness
Seasons go by, cutting me to the bone
And I drink this whiskey all alone


Lady death hums softly
Infusing the air with narcotic desire
Where have gone

The days of my life

Was I asleep

All this time

How did I miss the twilight of my youth

How many sunrises

And sunsets

Have I forgotten to witness

I ask you, beg you, answer me this
What is so wrong with loneliness
Seasons go by, cutting me to the bone
And I drink this whiskey all alone


Everywhere I look

I see blank faces

Reflecting the longing

Of my heart

All of them 
Faces that I’ll never come to know

To love

I wander crowded streets 

As though they were vacant

Never knowing

What friendship means
I can see the days flow

As I try to embrace their afterglow

Yet never find the reason

For my loneliness
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lord_ghengis about Vomitory splitting up wrote:
They were a band who understood music needed more explosions.

http://www.last.fm/user/TheEndTimeRiff
http://halberddoom.bandcamp.com/releases

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Xlxlx
May contain traces of nuts

Joined: Sat Dec 24, 2011 2:16 pm
Posts: 5372
Location: Argentina
PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2013 3:14 am 
 

Going for a bit of a Layne Staley/Dax Riggs vibe, eh Lex? :-D
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Earthcubed wrote:
I wish I had a black hole and an infinite supply of B83 atomic bombs, each time letting the heat barely rub against all of you before sucking it back with a black hole so I could slowly nuke the previous page over and over again for all time.

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Necroticism174
Kite String Popper

Joined: Mon Mar 30, 2009 6:46 pm
Posts: 4899
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2013 3:38 am 
 

Not consciously, at least :p I suppose it's inherent in my style.
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lord_ghengis about Vomitory splitting up wrote:
They were a band who understood music needed more explosions.

http://www.last.fm/user/TheEndTimeRiff
http://halberddoom.bandcamp.com/releases

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Xlxlx
May contain traces of nuts

Joined: Sat Dec 24, 2011 2:16 pm
Posts: 5372
Location: Argentina
PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2013 12:34 pm 
 

Yeah, most likely, as it doesn't seem like you're tryng hard to emulate those guys. You have your own voice dude, and that's awesome. Always liked your lyrics, though I gotta admit, seeing such a personal, down to earth piece written by you is quite surprising.
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Earthcubed wrote:
I wish I had a black hole and an infinite supply of B83 atomic bombs, each time letting the heat barely rub against all of you before sucking it back with a black hole so I could slowly nuke the previous page over and over again for all time.

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Necroticism174
Kite String Popper

Joined: Mon Mar 30, 2009 6:46 pm
Posts: 4899
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2013 7:29 pm 
 

Thankee sai, sir :thumbsup: I write in whatever style fits the song, really.
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lord_ghengis about Vomitory splitting up wrote:
They were a band who understood music needed more explosions.

http://www.last.fm/user/TheEndTimeRiff
http://halberddoom.bandcamp.com/releases

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Poe Ohlin
Metal newbie

Joined: Thu Dec 29, 2011 5:20 pm
Posts: 132
Location: United States
PostPosted: Wed Jan 16, 2013 11:29 am 
 

Black Death

Skies turning black
The stars turning blood red
The moon blocked by the shadow filled skies
As the turns deathly cold
And the wind shrieks through the night

Fog rises from the tombs
Blanketing the town in a veil of death
The church bells ringing
Signalling the coming storm
Townsfolk locking themselves in their homes
Hiding from the unholy coming

The avalanche of evil tumbles down the mountains
Racing towards the small northern town
It hidden in the cover of darkness
Nature falling before it
As in medevil Europe

It slams into the town
Destroying all that it touches
Wood and stone fill the sky
Shoot out into the night

Roofs ripped off of houses
Bodies sucked up into the sky
They being ripped to shreds
Their blood falling like snow

As it roars through the once life full town
It barrels towards the sacred house
The deathly winds slicing into the church
Obliterating it almost immediately
The bell thrown into the sky
The cross slammed down into the mud

As night gives way to a new dawn
The early rays of light shine down on the town
Illuminating the ruin of the black death
The beast dissipating back to which it came
Only to return and reap again

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xpsychoblissx
Metal newbie

Joined: Sat Dec 20, 2008 11:18 am
Posts: 294
Location: Phoenix, AZ
PostPosted: Wed Jan 16, 2013 1:18 pm 
 

Poe Ohlin wrote:
Black Death

Skies turning black
The stars turning blood red
The moon blocked by the shadow filled skies
As the turns deathly cold
And the wind shrieks through the night

Fog rises from the tombs
Blanketing the town in a veil of death
The church bells ringing
Signalling the coming storm
Townsfolk locking themselves in their homes
Hiding from the unholy coming

The avalanche of evil tumbles down the mountains
Racing towards the small northern town
It hidden in the cover of darkness
Nature falling before it
As in medevil Europe

It slams into the town
Destroying all that it touches
Wood and stone fill the sky
Shoot out into the night

Roofs ripped off of houses
Bodies sucked up into the sky
They being ripped to shreds
Their blood falling like snow

As it roars through the once life full town
It barrels towards the sacred house
The deathly winds slicing into the church
Obliterating it almost immediately
The bell thrown into the sky
The cross slammed down into the mud

As night gives way to a new dawn
The early rays of light shine down on the town
Illuminating the ruin of the black death
The beast dissipating back to which it came
Only to return and reap again


I think you have a good central idea going on there, but in order to make more "flowing" verses, try to watch how many syllables you use in each line of lyrics. For example, if you have 13 syllables in one line, 8 in the next, then 10 in the third, it's hard to find the flow/speed that you should read them in. But like I said, you have a good idea going--it just needs to be reworded in some areas I think. : )
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xpsychoblissx
Metal newbie

Joined: Sat Dec 20, 2008 11:18 am
Posts: 294
Location: Phoenix, AZ
PostPosted: Wed Jan 23, 2013 3:36 pm 
 

Ok, so I've been working on a new song--it's pretty long, too. It's just over 7 minutes long. Parts of it might sound a little weird, but it was written to music. These are the lyrics I just got done writing, but it's still a work in progress. It's inspired by "A Princess of Mars" by Edgar Rice Burroughs, a novel written in 1912 that also inspired the recent Disney flop, "John Carter". Let me know what you think.


Mountains cloak the sun, and now I'm losing light
The warmth of the air is fading, inside I'm losing life
Relentless foes unsatisfied with wounds already dealt
Chased through the desert I begin to lose my health

This is it, the escape of the dead
The cold comes in and takes my breath away
Away from harm, I found my living tomb
I seek a life, without misery
But misery will always find it's way

Consumed, I fall into the deepest sleep
With fists unclenched, I feel I've reached the end

Silence falls over me
Cascading is my blood like the sea
Now death comes for me!
Like a ghost, I left my battered soul
Carried on, to a place I do not know

This is it, the escape of the dead
The cold comes in and takes my breath away
Away from harm, I've found my living tomb
I seek a life without misery
But misery will always find it's way

Do I dream, or am I dead? I must go on to find the truth.
The ground is red, my body's light-and I'm nowhere near where I "died"

As night falls, I'm on my hands and knees
More sure than ever that I'm on a different world
I look to the skies, and I see where I should be
A man in a cloak appears in front of me
He says to me "you're lost and it's time to leave"
With the thrust of his dagger I was sent back to my tomb
Decayed, but still alive, covered by years of dust
Cursed with endless wonder, I seek ways to return
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http://www.facebook.com/SeveredReceptors
And my independent record label:

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Medrix
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Mon Dec 31, 2012 9:14 am
Posts: 10
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2013 3:00 pm 
 

It's really hard for me to say whether or not someone else's lyrics are good, especially since I don't particularly listen to the type of metal most of the above lyrics seem to be for... yet. But I do have my own lyrics I would like a bit of feedback on.

Queen of the dark days
Princess of the shadow's rays
Maiden made in iron
Hypnotizing Siren

In a bed made of leaves
Surrounded by greenery
Just who could she be?
She's a goddess to me...

With red eyes!
I'm paralyzed!
Look into her eyes!
You see love lies...

Mistress to the dying
Lovely tongues a'lying
Now, my love, I'm crying
There's no point in denying

Lost to my senses
Let down my defenses
Keep sanity reeling
From this darkened feeling

red eyes!
paralyze me now
red eyes!
hypnotize me how
I like!

To remain for now
Why, just show me how
You become my queen
I become unseen

Your reddened eyes
Maddening to view
No paradise
Resides in you

Red Eyes...

Filthy pleasures
I can't treasure
Makes me feel sick
You are a trick

Of the light...

red eyes!
paralyze me now
red eyes!
hypnotize me how
I like!

To remain for now
Why, just show me how
You become my queen
And all my mind will need

Why can't you bring
Soothing to me
All that you are
Is my dark star

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