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oogboog
Metalhead

Joined: Sun Apr 17, 2011 5:09 pm
Posts: 866
Location: United States
PostPosted: Fri Aug 31, 2012 6:43 pm 
 

MalignantThrone wrote:
 :durr:

Hint: click the facepalming emote.

I meant when used with metalheads, maybe that's new for me. But just for you:

:durr:
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wrath of poo wrote:
but not sub-genes of death metal ( like grindcore and black metal).

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DarthVenom
Metalhead

Joined: Sun Sep 28, 2003 10:56 am
Posts: 611
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Sat Sep 01, 2012 12:08 am 
 

Now it's left me wondering what "narcissistic vocals" would actually sound like.

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Metantoine
The XVI, dominar to over 258714 subjects

Joined: Sat Jun 21, 2008 5:00 pm
Posts: 8784
Location: Québec
PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2012 4:10 pm 
 

For Sabbath's Paranoid, I know it was written by a 15 years old, but damn...


A Trip to Planet Caravan - 97%
"Once upon a time, one man became PARANOID by all of the WAR PIGS in earth, So he decided to take a flight to PLANET CARAVAN.
From the window of the plane he saw IRON MAN destroying the earth by his HAND OF DOOM.
When he finaly arrived he saw a sign to an event named ELECTRIC FUNERAL so he entered he saw only FAIRIES WEAR BOOTS and the only food that served was RAT SALAD.
After a while he freaked out and decided to go back to earth and start all over again…
And that’s folks the story of this album, every time you listen to it, when it ends you will want to listen to it again.
The most of the album is very good, but still a very little few parts that could be better.
AND NOW LADIES AND GENTLEMEN…. FOR THE RATING!!!( I don’t have too much to say, so don’t expect to full sized review on each song. )

1. War Pigs- 9/10- A slow and heavy with great riffs and lyrics, with true meaning (not all songs are like that).

2. Paranoid- 10/10- the song of the album, so ofcourse is the best of the album, the words suppose to sound depressive, but the way they sing it make it sound great.

3. Planet Caravan- 10/10- super slow song with african drums and the guitar a silence and not electrical, that makes you feel like you floating in space, and makes you feel like nothing bad could happen.

4. Iron Man- 10/10- one of their most famous songs, for a good reason, don’t have too much to say, just a very good song

5. Electric Funeral- 7/10- like the name of the song, this song is really electric. Pretty good song but not best of the album

6. Hand Of Doom- 8/10- An epic song with switching from very slow to faster parts

7. Rat Salad- 7/10- pretty good instrumental song, with good drumming, although some of the drumming sounds like improvisations but still good. The song is pretty short, but its okay, because most of the instrumental songs that over six minutes start to get boring.

8. Fairies Wear Boots- 6/10- in my opinion this song is the weakest, but still not that bad."
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Grave_Wyrm
Metalhead

Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2012 5:55 pm
Posts: 2114
Location: At the bottom of the lake
PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2012 4:12 pm 
 

MT: Maybe oogboog was puzzled. I was thinking that a metalhead would HAVE to be hardened to tolerate that. I'm soft, so it defeated me.

edit: (re: Tony's latest^) yeesh. Way too much effort put into that C- paper..

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oogboog
Metalhead

Joined: Sun Apr 17, 2011 5:09 pm
Posts: 866
Location: United States
PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2012 4:16 pm 
 

Metantoine wrote:
"Once upon a time, one man became PARANOID by all of the WAR PIGS in earth, So he decided to take a flight to PLANET CARAVAN.
From the window of the plane he saw IRON MAN destroying the earth by his HAND OF DOOM.
When he finaly arrived he saw a sign to an event named ELECTRIC FUNERAL so he entered he saw only FAIRIES WEAR BOOTS and the only food that served was RAT SALAD.
After a while he freaked out and decided to go back to earth and start all over again…
And that’s folks the story of this album, every time you listen to it, when it ends you will want to listen to it again.
The most of the album is very good, but still a very little few parts that could be better.
AND NOW LADIES AND GENTLEMEN…. FOR THE RATING!!!( I don’t have too much to say, so don’t expect to full sized review on each song. )

It sucks, but I'm a bit impressed about the story part.

Grave_Wyrm wrote:
MT: Maybe oogboog was puzzled. I was thinking that a metalhead would HAVE to be hardened to tolerate that. I'm soft, so it defeated me.

You're kinda late here, but that's mostly what I meant, I probably could have said something different if I had listened to the album. :-D
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wrath of poo wrote:
but not sub-genes of death metal ( like grindcore and black metal).

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Metantoine
The XVI, dominar to over 258714 subjects

Joined: Sat Jun 21, 2008 5:00 pm
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Location: Québec
PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2012 4:42 pm 
 

You're very easily impressed, OOGBOOG.
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oogboog
Metalhead

Joined: Sun Apr 17, 2011 5:09 pm
Posts: 866
Location: United States
PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2012 4:52 pm 
 

Metantoine wrote:
You're very easily impressed, OOGBOOG.

Yeah. :| Kinda unfortunate for me, though that's a first time that a story was created out of the song titles.
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wrath of poo wrote:
but not sub-genes of death metal ( like grindcore and black metal).

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androdion
Metal freak

Joined: Thu Sep 28, 2006 10:34 am
Posts: 4928
Location: Portugal
PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2012 6:06 pm 
 

That reminds of a Dissection review that was on the site back on v.1, which I don't know if it's still around but it shouldn't be anyway. It was similar in style but much bigger and with a grand eloquence.
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MalignantThrone
Vanished in the Cosmic Futility

Joined: Tue May 31, 2011 1:24 am
Posts: 2785
Location: A step closer to home
PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2012 9:36 pm 
 

oogboog wrote:
Metantoine wrote:
You're very easily impressed, OOGBOOG.

Yeah. :| Kinda unfortunate for me, though that's a first time that a story was created out of the song titles.

It's been done hundreds of times before. I'd feel bad for humanity if it took 100+ years after the popularization of music to come up with that concept, and a 15-year-old, no less.

Anyways:
Code:
(9 + 10 + 10 + 10 + 7 + 8 + 7 + 6) ÷ 8 ≈ 8.38
Final score = 9.7

:|
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oneyoudontknow
Cum insantientibus furere necesse est.

Joined: Sun May 21, 2006 6:25 pm
Posts: 5316
Location: Germany
PostPosted: Fri Sep 07, 2012 6:27 am 
 

^ close enough.
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TheStormIRide
Jesuscop

Joined: Fri Jan 20, 2006 6:45 pm
Posts: 935
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sat Sep 08, 2012 1:47 pm 
 

Come on now! It probably took a few hours to write that masterpiece. You expect him to hold off publication of such a literary gem to get a calculator?
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Grave_Wyrm
Metalhead

Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2012 5:55 pm
Posts: 2114
Location: At the bottom of the lake
PostPosted: Mon Sep 10, 2012 6:12 pm 
 

MalignantThrone wrote:
and a 15-year-old, no less.

A true prodigy ..

still .. I can't really take much a teenager says seriously. I doubt he thought it was THAT cool. I'm guessing he did it for yuks.

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rabidmadman
Metalhead

Joined: Mon Feb 28, 2005 6:29 pm
Posts: 529
Location: United States
PostPosted: Thu Sep 13, 2012 8:40 pm 
 

I am a mod on this forum in some universe maybe, certainly not this one but here is an awesome review that was rejected by a mod :)

Stench - Primitive Vulgar and Armed

I procured this gem overseas while amidst a capitalist group of tri-fecal iso-mongoloids. I was presented with two options. They were: A) listen to the disc and suffer endless disembowelments, or B) have my orifices stuffed with lit sticks of dynamite while being exposed to the classic final track ‘Cunt Punt’ as my torso was going through internal combustion. I went with option B seeing as the song title ‘Cunt Punt’ really intrigued me in my final moments of delirium.

So with minutes left to live, the aforementioned sub dormant group of galvanized derelicts subjected me to the glorious ‘Cunt Punt.’ To be frank, this track was mind blowing; I could not believe the sheer trepidation it invoked. The uneasiness I felt in my last moments on this Earth was insurmountable. You would think all these feelings are negative wouldn’t you? Well you’re wrong because this disc penetrates your tympanic membranes and alters your brain chemistry, causing your mind to equate horrible spews of bi-dimensional resonance to pleasantries.

After being subjected to ‘Cunt Punt’ I was presented with more options. These gnarly gentlemen were to either: A) Remove the sticks of dynamite from my orifices and forcibly continue cranking the rest of the album while offering me the possible chance of escape or B) Asphyxiation via my own urethra while of course being presented with the rest of the album and possible chance for escape. I went with option A because for one, I was growing weary of the explosives lodged in my assorted orifices, and I figured being strangled by my own urethra was not in my best interest.

So on I went, listening to the rest of Primitive Vulgar and Armed. As the album progressed, the lack of blood flow to my brain exposed me to a hallucinogenic state in which the Stench album began to rule. The highlight for me was ‘Quickdraw’ with the ultra memorable one liner “You can see your reflection in a toilet that won’t flush.” Instrumentally, there are several throwbacks to the classic traditional heavy metal and thrash. In fact, I swore one of the riffs on this album was an English Dogs riff, but whatever, at the time I just avoided being hung by my own urethra so I didn’t object.

Upon hearing the tumultuous incredibly human and realistic drums on this record, my brain said goodbye as the hypnosis set in and I could no longer have any negative feelings to this record. Uncle Jarek is easily the best thrash drummer in existence, occasionally showcasing his black metal appreciation with his 32nd note blasting abilities.

Anyway, as the gang of tangential war demons witnessed my appreciation for this record, they set me free, only under the condition that this album was permanently embedded in my pre-frontal cortex. Now clear as night, I do not know what to think about this album. I’m going to give it an 18 percent because the previous reviewer gave it an 81 and honestly, I was not in a clear state of mind while being exposed to this record so my initial judgments are invalid. As of now, the only thoughts in my head outside of this review are “Satan’s gonna come for you, satan’s gonna get ya. Take his shit into your house and on fire set ya!”

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Metantoine
The XVI, dominar to over 258714 subjects

Joined: Sat Jun 21, 2008 5:00 pm
Posts: 8784
Location: Québec
PostPosted: Thu Sep 13, 2012 8:41 pm 
 

Heu, where did you got this review?
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rabidmadman
Metalhead

Joined: Mon Feb 28, 2005 6:29 pm
Posts: 529
Location: United States
PostPosted: Thu Sep 13, 2012 8:44 pm 
 

I may have written it, at least that's what it says under My Reviews.

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Metantoine
The XVI, dominar to over 258714 subjects

Joined: Sat Jun 21, 2008 5:00 pm
Posts: 8784
Location: Québec
PostPosted: Thu Sep 13, 2012 8:50 pm 
 

Post that in the workshop thread, not here, the name of the Crappy Diem is quite clear.
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Crick
Despised by 17 Corners of the Universe

Joined: Sun Jun 01, 2008 6:11 pm
Posts: 6205
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Fri Sep 14, 2012 6:05 pm 
 

Quote:
Undoubtedly if there's a true metal kind, this is, the post metal, with a true sound motivated about human existence.

This band gets a lot of merits by its nihilistic conception, not a vulgar imitation about Friedrich Nietzsche's philosophy as it happens in black metal war.

Its music cries out the suffering to live, with a bit of doom the melancholy is present covered by a pale
feeling similar to sucide but stronger and no human.

With a sound definitely again the reality which suffers unsatisfied by the modernity where we live and
under a frustrated sense to pretend being the Joy, although with a sad topic, it deseves to be named Perfect.

The words aren't enough to describe it, so why not we speak about the second song to express myself better and show you what you'll fell as weel.

This sounds like a painful call to deny the existence and disagrees to her, prefering the hunger than her pleasure, a cry to live a bane life witout new dreams to awake happy in the mornig...

The guitar speaks about philosophy under a same incentive which presages premature the present.

The anguish is perceived clamoring to the time for a day more...

Sometimes one falls inside a deep silence, while the bass sounds asking to oneself, which emphasizes
skeptical and gets a doubt, as the happiness wouldn't be present in our lives.

Every guitar-riff falls before and after other one perfectly like leaves in the autumn, all is a sublime melancholic feeling which gets away like a sigh.

It's interesting when suddenly the silent sound goes around the memory which turns the yesterday into the shades.

Over yonder far from time lives my childhood like a happy moment which escape to never die...
...it's a tear which ends all the rancor to look for the love now...

-------------------------------------------------------Reiner SchwarzSoldat--------------------------------------------------


My favorite line was "The guitar speaks about philosophy under a same incentive which presages premature the present".
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Metantoine
The XVI, dominar to over 258714 subjects

Joined: Sat Jun 21, 2008 5:00 pm
Posts: 8784
Location: Québec
PostPosted: Fri Sep 14, 2012 6:22 pm 
 

It was my favorite line as well! So snob, man.
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Grave_Wyrm
Metalhead

Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2012 5:55 pm
Posts: 2114
Location: At the bottom of the lake
PostPosted: Sat Sep 15, 2012 10:36 pm 
 

"It's interesting when suddenly the silent sound goes around the memory which turns the yesterday into the shades.

Over yonder far from time lives my childhood like a happy moment which escape to never die...
...it's a tear which ends all the rancor to look for the love now...
"

:lol:
I am for love with some of these words only because of wrong. Is enough of greatness for celebrity our towers!

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Metantoine
The XVI, dominar to over 258714 subjects

Joined: Sat Jun 21, 2008 5:00 pm
Posts: 8784
Location: Québec
PostPosted: Sun Sep 16, 2012 12:43 am 
 

Image
LOL
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Empyreal
The Final Frontier

Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2006 6:58 pm
Posts: 19045
Location: Where the dead rule the night
PostPosted: Sun Sep 16, 2012 12:45 am 
 

You have to wonder what people like that think the purpose of MA is. Do they really think reviews like that will get accepted?
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HouseSpiders
Metal newbie

Joined: Tue Aug 02, 2011 7:05 am
Posts: 394
Location: United Kingdom
PostPosted: Sun Sep 16, 2012 4:52 am 
 

Some probably do actually. Maybe they write their reviews without having read any others beforehand, and assume the review system is like YouTube comments. Some probably write those crappy reviews just to annoy the moderators, or possibly even amuse them - Metantoine always laughs! There's a number of reasons. They might even write such reviews because they think getting a place in the Crappy Diem would be a desirable achievement...
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oneyoudontknow
Cum insantientibus furere necesse est.

Joined: Sun May 21, 2006 6:25 pm
Posts: 5316
Location: Germany
PostPosted: Sun Sep 16, 2012 5:23 am 
 

HouseSpiders wrote:
Maybe they write their reviews without having read any others beforehand, and assume the review system is like YouTube comments.

Maybe ... but the person actually contradicts himself in this short comment-review-thing. Despite his claim to being unable to actually find words for properly describing the music, he is nevertheless able to write a review and put the music in some sort of scale/place.
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Zelkiiro
Pounding the world with a fish of steel

Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2009 5:30 pm
Posts: 4047
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sun Sep 16, 2012 10:23 pm 
 

That crazy review Crick posted wrote:
This sounds like a painful call to deny the existence and disagrees to her, prefering the hunger than her pleasure, a cry to live a bane life witout new dreams to awake happy in the mornig...

What the fuck am I reading?
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japc
Metalhead

Joined: Fri Apr 30, 2004 10:35 pm
Posts: 501
Location: Portugal
PostPosted: Mon Sep 17, 2012 10:13 am 
 

Random words. Vs "no words" from the other guy.
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Pr0nogo
Metal newbie

Joined: Thu Jan 12, 2012 12:20 am
Posts: 85
Location: United States
PostPosted: Mon Sep 17, 2012 10:18 am 
 

Crick wrote:
mornig


hehehehehehehe...
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Metantoine
The XVI, dominar to over 258714 subjects

Joined: Sat Jun 21, 2008 5:00 pm
Posts: 8784
Location: Québec
PostPosted: Tue Sep 18, 2012 8:13 pm 
 

Image
MA =/= Amazon
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lord_ghengis
Metal freak

Joined: Mon Dec 04, 2006 8:31 pm
Posts: 5383
Location: Australia
PostPosted: Thu Sep 20, 2012 6:32 pm 
 

Zelkiiro wrote:
That crazy review Crick posted wrote:
This sounds like a painful call to deny the existence and disagrees to her, prefering the hunger than her pleasure, a cry to live a bane life witout new dreams to awake happy in the mornig...

What the fuck am I reading?


Mindshadow?
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Metantoine
The XVI, dominar to over 258714 subjects

Joined: Sat Jun 21, 2008 5:00 pm
Posts: 8784
Location: Québec
PostPosted: Fri Sep 21, 2012 2:45 am 
 

:guns:
Image
Image
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TadakatsuH0nda
Metal newbie

Joined: Wed Jun 23, 2010 3:37 am
Posts: 113
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Fri Sep 21, 2012 3:47 pm 
 

Metantoine wrote:
Image
LOL


A good portion of these are jokes (I hope), still, that might be the single greatest crappy review I've seen in this thread haha.
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DarthVenom
Metalhead

Joined: Sun Sep 28, 2003 10:56 am
Posts: 611
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Fri Sep 21, 2012 5:39 pm 
 

"I think it's too short"

How very meta.

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Metantoine
The XVI, dominar to over 258714 subjects

Joined: Sat Jun 21, 2008 5:00 pm
Posts: 8784
Location: Québec
PostPosted: Sat Sep 29, 2012 12:22 am 
 

Image

He liked them on youtube, it must be good!
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Metantoine
The XVI, dominar to over 258714 subjects

Joined: Sat Jun 21, 2008 5:00 pm
Posts: 8784
Location: Québec
PostPosted: Mon Oct 01, 2012 10:57 pm 
 

Image
LOL
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Zelkiiro
Pounding the world with a fish of steel

Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2009 5:30 pm
Posts: 4047
Location: United States
PostPosted: Mon Oct 01, 2012 11:44 pm 
 

But they use it in a very good expression, man!
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DarthVenom
Metalhead

Joined: Sun Sep 28, 2003 10:56 am
Posts: 611
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Tue Oct 02, 2012 9:10 am 
 

I have a very hard time not reading those kinds of reviews in Borat's voice.

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the american god
Metal newbie

Joined: Mon Dec 19, 2011 7:28 am
Posts: 71
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sun Oct 07, 2012 12:45 am 
 

DarthVenom wrote:
I have a very hard time not reading those kinds of reviews in Borat's voice.

It cannot be unread! It cannot be unread!
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Turtle_Factory
Metal newbie

Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 4:14 pm
Posts: 85
Location: Puerto Rico
PostPosted: Mon Oct 08, 2012 6:06 pm 
 

I'm giggling like a 4 year old now. I'm thinking of making a review but I sure hope it doesn't end here... :cry: the funniest one is the Nostradamus one.
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DarthVenom
Metalhead

Joined: Sun Sep 28, 2003 10:56 am
Posts: 611
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Mon Oct 08, 2012 7:16 pm 
 

Turtle_Factory wrote:
I'm giggling like a 4 year old now. I'm thinking of making a review but I sure hope it doesn't end here... :cry: the funniest one is the Nostradamus one.


If it bolsters your confidence any, this thread isn't about tearing down people who honestly put effort into their reviews. It's about the reviews that are so hilariously effort-free that they actually become kind of awesome.

(most of the time.)

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MalignantThrone
Vanished in the Cosmic Futility

Joined: Tue May 31, 2011 1:24 am
Posts: 2785
Location: A step closer to home
PostPosted: Mon Oct 08, 2012 7:38 pm 
 

I'd like to think the infamous Goatfago review took months to conceive and manifest.
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GuntherTheUndying
Crimson King, Eater of Worlds

Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2006 4:36 pm
Posts: 2603
Location: United States
PostPosted: Thu Oct 11, 2012 11:53 am 
 

For Brawl's Brawl:

CildrenofBodom wrote:
Better Than Later Disturbed Knowhere Close T The Sickness Or Believe But Still Exelent

:|
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