Neat grind song, buddy. I like the genre because it's not known for it's subtleties, and you nailed the directness!

As for Julian, it's pretty decent, in spite of the anger, sadly that you live next to those who represent the faith in such a distressing way! But, I still liked it, it was to the point and intense, you thinking of a genre of any kind? Sadly, I'd say that lyrics like that really only belong in the more primitive realm of thrash/early black or something. They aren't, and don't take this in any personal way, mature at all, and I feel only in a Slayer type situation would they really work. As long as it was just about violence and aggression, you're gold!

Thanks a lot bro. I'm glad you liked it.

These are some of my lyrics, I have been working on these stories for some time. They are set in antiquity about trolls with an environmental message http://megrimmtroll-folklorictrolls.blo ... yrics.html

Here be the lyrics to one of our band's new songs, cricticism's encouraged!

I haven't posted here in awhile! Currently working with a band and I penned these lyrics with a little bit of tweaking on a couple of lines by the vocalist. Not particularly metal really, although I tried to make sure it was at least a little dark:

"Deadly Is The Cure"

(Verse 1)
It's a heartache
Waiting for misery
I need a neck brace
When I'm thinking at
These speeds
Because my mind
Ain't on the road
I can't slow down
What I don't know


(Pre-Chorus 1)
You know I've wanted you
Since you kissed me goodbye
You know I've needed you
And I never asked why
I’ve been spit out
This ain’t where I belong
But it feels so right
Because its all gone wrong!

(Chorus)
Deadly is the cure
Thick is the sin
I feel it
Rising again
Deadly is the cure
But I need this remedy
Without it I know
I'll never be free

(Verse 2)
Stalking mistress
Picking at your nails
White, chain necklace
Plucking the thorns
From your tails
But you were never
In control
Tryin' to take back
What you've sold

(Pre-Chorus 2)
Burn the bridges on the way
Cause I never want to come back
And I've said all I can say
Waitin' on lies to react
I can't be what I was
Before I met your backside
Can't figure it out
Why I can't be un-tied

(Bridge)
Of your...memory...

(Verse 3)
Walking nightmare
The voice in my head
Controllin' the countdown
And hanging the thread
I'm held down by predictions
Of how it turns out
I'm pushed on by suspicions
Of what it's about

Here's one I put together a few days ago for a friend's song. Might upload the song at some point, although it is just harsh vocals over a guitarpro midi turned MP3. Gonna end up changing some of these to fit the song better though, as it's... awkward in points.

"Insipid"

One more day lying to someone
Four more seasons the sun's to waste
Overtaken by the lifeless glow
New symbols of our submission

A quivering child hides her face
Awake again on the dark side of dawn
Terse letters left unwritten
As her time bleeds away

We're withering in coldest light
An insipid prison without walls
Mutilation behaviors
The shape of a coming future

Pleasure - our primal demand
The device hums a dirge for reality
A silver womb that aborts
Fulfill our self-serving decree

Falsify the world for the young
Cover their eyes with silk
Create them cloudless skies
Escape the crisis of confidence

All constructed, rubble rusted
Tomorrow's memories in sepia tint
A malformed deliverance
Slipping through blistered hands

Seconds pass with caustic taste
Reflecting on this clarity
As snapping jaws of deceit
Clamp around the tender neck

This is one of the first songs i wrote, it's kind of a sbm or basicly a song about human race..it's a quite symbolical song so if you like it or not please do tell because i am starting a band and i would sure be happy if any of more experienced musicians would give me some directions
p.s. this is more of an instrumental work anyway so the vocals have side job.

violated innocence
so great prospects
naked child's body with
syringe in the vein
creepy rustling
of bloody leaves
gasping bodies
waiting for death

Rainy morning
and the red light
black flower in your hand
where is the exit
the streets are dark
she was looking for love
child with a cup
cup full of blood

CANT YOU HEAR THE SCREAMS OF AGONY!
CANT YOU TASTE THE BLOOD AT YOUR DINNER!

This is from my new demo, would be grateful for any comments.

OF SOIL & OLD MAGICS
OF THE EARTH


Gloomy Glum Troll alchemist of ancient earth magic, drawing from the earth deep matter of infinite understanding. Dark blackened soil Yule like cake, which tree roots thirst for. Taking only what he needs, only what he needs! Heady draughts seeking knowledge from nature, from the past and from the future. Living alongside his allies in with the ebb of time, the ebb of time.

Trolls reading the earth always reading the earth, till dawn breaks the spell of night. Birds sing their many songs, as light finds its way from sleep riddled grey. To clear light to clear light, trolls sleep their deep sleep searching. The magic forever searching the magic!

The trolls magic mordant beholding the earth in piece, keys of time to questions set among everything in all sagas told. Mysterious and strange powers, of all natural things laying out what is to be told. From the deeply rooted earth to vast skies above, of which Laarg the wizard could read. From behemoth aurora to the clouds and stars beyond.

Our troll held these magics in an age old vessel, covered with runes telling the history of their world. Ancient sagas of grand adventure, told in the tongue of trolls. Yielding their knowledge over time, and using it through fire and magic of fire and magic. Eternally listening to the earth.

I've never really shared my lyrics with anyone but my bandmates (haven't recorded anything worth seeing the light of day), but here goes:

"Wash Away"

Wash Away
'Till the guilt erodes
Scattered Ashes
Among the bones

Hollow intentions
Will never fill the void
Inconsistant thought patterns
Incoherent, paranoid

Fade to darkness
A fleeting life
This is the end of the line
There will be no beacon of light

The infinite
Collapses upon itself
The shell has been fractured
Death is not necessary to witness hell

"This is the end of the line
There will be no beacon of light"

These are unnecessary clichés. Replace them with something more substantial.

Nocturnal Pleasure

The dark of night blankets the sky
Bringing a chill to the northern skies
The wolves of the forest begin to howl
Bat shrieking out as they fly about
A fog begins to engulf everything
The Horror about to start

I tremble in my bed
Ready to awaken
And walk the nightly skies
Rising from my coffin
I open my eyes, they bloodshot and deep

I then transform into a child of the dark
And fly out of the castle, ready to haunt
I float through the darkness
Hidden like an artifact of long ago

I then return to normal as I land in the town
Stalking the rows of homes as silent as a cat
Looking for new meat

My ears then tremble
As I hear the prey
I sink into the fog
Following it like I was a hound hunting a fox

She brings up the well
She pouring the water to wash away the dirt of the farm
Her mind to occupied to hear me coming up behind her

As she turns around, a smirk paints my face
She only screaming for a minute before my hand takes her voice away
As she struggles and tries to cry out
My lips part, revealing my weapon of choice
I chuckle like a hyeena, before sinking into her flesh

As the moon begins to set
And shadows die
I sink back into the box, which provides me with shelter
I slip my eyes shut
And smile as I drift off

My death metal band is recording the second album. Here are the lyrics I just finished for one song:

"Impending Purification"

The path extends onwards...
Within chapels laced with the shadows of ruin,
And cemetaries forsaken, enshrined by those unweeping,
The heart of sunset glows overhead,
Summoning shrouds in a hymn to the coming dusk.

Beneath the sigil of a putrified moon,
These shrouds extend arms to the embrace of night.
A portal between shadows looms within the nightsky,
Crafted from the stone of God, the time of purification is at hand.

Who ever told you, that only the living feel hate?

my first post on the glorious MA. don't be nice - constructive criticism is appreciated!


To Dying Embers

flame's remembrance lies in ash
every speck a vessel for one passing moment
every flicker, every flash, whistle and scream
retained as an ethereal essence

those selfish ones who act without
reverence to the gift of Earth and Sun
take these remnants as
they twist toes like knives into the ground

Terra, delirious in lacrimas,
weeps for selfless Sol
beckoning the wind
she gathers then spreads the ash

to permeate the air, water and spirits of the willing

----------------------------

Untitled

where were your ears?
when the wind whispered her tragic secrets
their weight revealed only by the harshness of her gale

her cold touch nipped your skin
but did you listen?

where will your eyes be?
when the sun's orchestra at last crashes
the weight of a penultimate tidal red

the evergreen stands grey and parched
will you eat the bark?

Heres some more I recently wrote:

"Swarm"
Always flowing with the pace of the tide
Never be set free
Swallowed by the hiss of the swarm
Leaving no room to breathe

Empty fields cloud the mind
Stagnant water 'till the end of time
Corrosion buried deep inside
Wash you away into the dead tide

Monolithic blank faces
Stalk the mind
Onward vacant drone
In the masses, all alone

Impurities will be met with fire
Weeds will be born to die
Will you fight the feelings deep inside?
Take you away into the dead of night

"Walls of reality"
The acid moon and the leopard skin sun await
The narcotic skyline lingers, resigned to it's fate

Wander amongst urban decay
Graffiti on the crumbled walls of yesterday

The circus of life is eternal
The walls of reality are illusions, now
Same as they ever were

The life slithers out of me
The light withers out of the world

I fuck around with writing lyrics from time to time, Lately i've been coming up with alotta suicide-y themed stuff, kinda thinking about writing some lyrics for a song based around Aokigahara forest in japan (also referred to as the forest of suicide, an average of around 100 people go into the forest to commit suicide by hanging every year) Here's a little chorus that I thought up one bleak sunday afternoon not unlike today:
And so here I hang at the end of this rope
A life without meaning and devoid of all hope
In defiance of life I kicked this old chair
The rope binding my flesh, I'm gasping for air
My vision goes black, a dim light in my head
the comforting notion of "soon I'll be dead"

Well, seeing as everyone just posts their lyrics without commenting on others kind of defeats the purpose of this thread, I might as well get some discussion going. Dystopia4, that first set of lyrics was pretty good but you seem to have a few cliches in your writing which you would do well to rid yourself of, as I think Ilwhyan has pointed out before. Lines like ''Will you fight the feelings deep inside?'' seem like they would be wrong in anything except really saccharine melodic death metal with a million layers of keyboards, and I don't think that's what you were going for. I like that you obfuscate the meaning just enough without becoming impenetrable about it. You definitely have stronger lines than verses. Stuff like ''onward vacant drone'' and ''Impurities will be met with fire'' is evocative, but you would don't develop the idea enough, jumping to something else.
As for the second one, I liked it less. The last two lines are tiresome and the second verse is really obvious. The first two lines are quite good though.
OneSizeFitzpatrick: That's boring, and something we've seen a million times before. Where's your spin on it? You're rattling off cliches like you were reading them from a hallmark suicide card (if there was such a thing.) Maybe it would work in some two chords for 15 minutes DSBM, but I don't dig it.

Yeah, looking back that line is pretty lame and played out. In my defence, I wrote that song well over a year ago. Yeah I see what you guys mean about having a line or two in my songs that are pretty cliche. I'm working on it, when I'm writing I usually do it automatically, so now I'm having to go back and edit my songs, something I've never really done before. Also, I don't feel I'm jumping around in the lines you mentioned. For what I had in my head when I was writing, the ideas do connect. I mean "Impurities will be met with fire" and "weeds will be born to die" are basically very similar (if not the same) ideas, and the whole song really has one meaning running throughout. Maybe my writing isn't clear enough, I dunno. I need to write lyrics more often, I only do it once every few months or so, I think a bit more practice would do me a lot of good.

Been a while since I posted here for the last time.

I just rescued this from an old drawer:

Viperine Words

Impure men of the cloth
Spitting forth both venom and bile
"Repent your sins" they vomit
Subject yourself to our hypocritical rule

Prophets of perdition
Judge not, lest ye be judged yourself (harshly)
Thy holy bullshit sickens me
You crown yourselves with plastic thorns

Our Father who art in bigotry
Damned be thy name
Thy dictatorship be undone
Thy will be ignored
On every corner of the Earth

Amen!

Forgive me not, for I'm no criminal
But a wolf, who feasts on the lamb
And bursts with laughter at yout pitiful accusations
Caustic preaching bouncing off a vitriol-proof mind

God, Allah, Yahvé
Three strains of the same disease
A psychic virus, an infection of the soul
Addictive self-destruction

Our Father who art in bigotry
Damned be thy name
Thy dictatorship be undone
Thy will be ignored
On every corner of the Earth

AMEN!!!

I wrote this back then when I was extremely angry at religion, and I think it shows. Besides, I'm really proud of the chorus, as cheesy as it might be It's immature, sure, but hey, I like it.

What do you guys think?

This is a song that I wrote inspired by the TV show "Dexter" (you'll see what I mean).
It's entitled: "Imprisoned Warrior":

Die
Die once again
Will you suffer enough for me?
Will you set me free?

Hard
Hard to stay sane
Will this nightmare eventually
Turn into life? Into dream?

Cause it's hard to stay, it's hard to breath
Not easy for me to pretend
I'll keep chasing my dream
Will I ever stop?

Lie
Can't lie to you
A lonely assassin
A miserable slave

Come
Come here to me
Will you stay just to sit with me?
Will you not be afraid?

Cause it's hard to stay, it's hard to breath
You don't know I must pretend
Pretend to be someone else
Someone like you

On the loneliest tower
In a shattered oasis
I will stand there,
With my arms open wide
Welcoming all of my demons
Let me go

Cause it's hard to stay, it's hard to breath
I can no longer pretend
I have to be true
I have to forsake my mask for you

That's cool. Subtle and simple, yet effective. What music do you think should go with it? Also, what do you think of my lyrics?

"Thy holy bullshit sickens me" - LOVED THAT.
It reminds me of "In the name of god" by Dream Theater

I love critical songs

And thank you for your feedback
To your question:
I've kinda wrote some notes that should fit with this song, if I won't be lazy as hell I might finish it and record it

Hey, thanks for the compliments dude!

Great to hear you have already some stuff written down, dude. What I was asking though, is what style of music you want to pair those lyrics with.

well, here are some lyrics written for my project Goat Martyr, because I have about two songs just about complete. They're not the greatest thing, far from it imho. They could still use some tweaking.

Rebel angels of the underworld
Arise! Take up thy arms!
Torch the nazarene's kingdom
Behead the seraphs one by one

Strewn angels bodies
Foul with the stench of decay
Suppress the crown of the holy one
Return him to his earthly grave

A million years of demonic sedition
Satanic enthrallment of Elysium
The portal to damnation forever agape
A morbid obsession driven forth


they aren't complete yet, either, I still have a few lines to complete. I'll post more later when I get the chance.

Oh.
If I had to define it, I guess it would be Prog. Rock.







Great lyrics!
It reminds me of a particular band, can't put my finger on who ><
But still, powerful lyrics, lots of meanings.

Immolation? Dark Funeral? Aeon?

Yea, come on, people. You gotta give a little feed back if you want some yourself...

MalignantTyrant: Pretty good, and I can tell you took some time to use vocabulary. You point seems to be put across pretty well. I don't usually like it when bands use old english words like "thy" though. For some reason it irritates me. lol

FingerWiz: I really like "Imprisoned Warrior". It has an "operatic" sound to it, and I mean that in a good way. I like how the lyrics kind of build up drama and atmosphere.

Xlxlx: "Viperine Words" is a little too agnsty for me, I think, but I guess it depends on what kind of music it's meant to be sung with. I could see it going well with some kind of thrash metal, but not really for something like black metal which is what I originally thought when you said you were angry at religion. lol

"Finally Dead" This is a depressive black metal song that I'm finishing up right now. What do you think?

Finally, I've found my peace
Buried deep, it's mine to keep
Words are muted, as are mine
Now it's black 'til the end of time

I've seen the end of life, I know the truth
No eternal afterlife, no god in paradise
Don't waste your days chasing promises
Forget the fairy tales and live your life


Angry mobs, of those who hold the cross
Pushing forth their views of what the world should be
Secular families are burnt to an ash
Flames touch the sky and non-believers die
A worldwide tragedy, you cannot escape
Killing so callously to make the end arrive


Words evade me...so rapidly
Hordes invade me...blood is flowing
Fires burning...closing in on me
Branded by the cross...and marked for death
Tied to the post...crime is blasphemy
Finally dead

Put to death, put to rest
Defy my will, taint my soul
Drop my body into a hole

I've seen the end of life, I know the truth
No eternal afterlife, no god in paradise
Don't waste your days chasing promises
Forget the fairy tales and live your life

Blood red skies signal their demise
Bodies of their loved ones reflecting in their eyes
They fought in the name of GOD, then discovered he was a fraud
Mass genocide, they've committed social suicide

Words evade me...so rapidly
Hordes invade me...blood is flowing
Fires burning...closing in on me
Branded by the cross...and marked for death
Tied to the post...crime is blasphemy
Finally dead

I'm in a gothic metal (though we can go closer to symphonic and doom at times) and we are writing this song, it's suppose to be very powerful, philosophical, world changing. They're very, very inspired by Charles Baudelaire's Les Fleurs du Mal


Draconian

[The Cypress Is In Bloom]
The cypress is in bloom
I see the evil, the efflorescence of decadent doom
Eloigning, with thy clandestines of the Dead September's reign
My belovéd Penelope, abscond from coven so deep, the glades of misery
We must face her in the grove, for arcany, the path we must take
She's in my mind, vaporously,
Laughing with my, dangers and fears
Lie, with ephermelcy's broken truths
Leading me to Cypress, Marigold
Immortally, willows, forevermore
Forevermore

[To Question; To Know]
My argentine silence, you only condonicy 
Ends with such eath
The Mockingbird in me--died
Resting in one ounce, an abundance of shame
With an infinity of joy
Exiled, by the ones, who give all, names
My breath starves for only more
The façade, the veil, the austerity dims with Aquarianlore 
She falls to her knees, why for?
Celandine she will be
Celandine is she

[Bead]
The lair within, free from their causalities of their sins
Shadowy primroses begin to grow, the season will never end
In there I dream to be like you, violet blue,
La Fleur Blanche du Lisieux,
So Celandine are you
Celandine are you

[Draconian]
Draconian--Reach the shadows within
Draconian--Break from The Fallen's Sin
Draconian--Their Empirical lies, only die
Draconian--Reach The Shadows Within
 
[The Demonic Flight]
Dwelling around your body, in your mind, in your sight 
He comes out as a nymph, for you, this night
Upon this demonic flight, far from Divine Sight
Only Damnation and blight, to the burning bridge
To The Plains of Sarah
Life assumes nothing, barren
As destruction feeds - the child learns to Live, lust, then Die
Not the race of Cain, Seth led the way
Through dismissal, came dismay
Luna they call thy Name
Is it my Father's Reign?

[I Have the Evil of You]
I have the evil of you
Caught in my hands, entangled
Like the arabesques of Eden's vines
Just like paradise, but why should shame remain
Singeing like immolation of Peter's Inferno
These reddish-purple chains convolute myself
as the grapples shoot out form the clouds
both below, above me
The self-lovelust propelling 
You did this - these plagues
You drag me down - to your cage
Cadaver Vampire - I am your slave

[The Metamorphosis]
Sing the ode, you know my name
Amon talks through you
I can ordain you to be the highest of all kings
Legions of venus, lotus
Demand thy lead

As her poison spits 
In Lilithian ways
Virtue of lust remains
 impale these pale wax dolls
In a dark lantern's chamber  
Façades willingly stay
Caressing my sins' marrow
Transpose to a state
So lugubriously ugly, beyond  grotesque
O prince of exile
Bring me more
Finest nymphs of Demon Flesh!

[Draconian] 
Draconian--Reach  the shadows within
Draconian--Break from the Fallen's sin
Draconian--Their empirical lies, only die
Draconian--Reach the shadows within

[The Puppeteer]
The storm I see you in
Caught in the race of Caïn
Held by the arms you cannot see--the conducter of Ennui 
-No stronger than the void you hold within-
It began with a hope, an obsession
Casted into, slavery of repugnant possessions 
Granted by, the Avaricious Lords, the ones we serve for
-They Told Us to pray, hope, away from despair, the despair caused by their immaculate Hands
Malice, envy, greed, was granted to me, The Feudal Dream, we want to be Them, just like him
-just how he solaces us, ambivalent hope, engendering knives to my throat 

[The Fall]
In this Valley of morning and weeping
Love lies bleeding, in desperate fear
With their talons, they  hunt to rip out thy heart 
As each velvet petal falls apart
Her body chained in their bile and lies, covered with their red-spy
-sent just to check if our souls are in line, do not defy 
Her blood velvet and pure, drips away with innocence  of the amber guardian 
The soil of plagues, beggars, and graves
Is know her home, the coven of solace
Though the seed has died--resurrection Is near passing through death's fear
One stronger than you--and thy funeral skies
She is alive--anew
But the vapors still remain
The Apocalypse is here, do we fear?
Just for the death of our sins
Elysia never Seemed so far away

[Our Damnation]
Solitary ruins, Fulfill their visions
We strayed far from the depths within 
We all lingered to his solace--lies
-you make the sign everyday, but lack to know the name
We are just the toys, he pulls all of the strings
We are nothing in this burning world
Of Decadence, and failed semblance

[Draconian] 
Draconian--Reach  the shadows within
Draconian--Break from the Fallen's sin
Draconian--Their empirical lies, only die
Draconian--Reach the shadows within

viewtopic.php?f=8&t=57567

ps- 'condonicy' is not a word and your opening post has more grammatical errors than any halfway decent set of lyrics should have.

Eh, anger and angst aren't the same thing, and the idea of those lyrics was to convey the former. And yeah, I was thinking to accompany them with something along the lines of God Dethroned. You know..... Something extreme and furious.

If Sarah Palin makes words, I'm sure I'm more than capable, sir

I really don't see any grammatical errors..

Well, to indulge pedantry it should read 'supposed'. As for the rest, eh, this isn't a formal writing class and I was feeling a bit irritable last night.

On the topic of made up words, I'd say that's a bit dicey. Proper nouns aren't a problem but looking at the context of the phrase it seems like it would be a verb, in which case it simply obscures your intent rather than elucidate.

Correct on both counts. Merged the thread into the lyrical feedback thread.

this time around I was aiming for something a bit more poetic, sort of eerie yet still blasphemous and evil. I hope you like them
Unholy Apparitions
I hear the blackened spirits
They're calling my name
The sound of holy chaos
It drives me insane

The words of the crucified one
The sound of deceit
A void with no life
Just lies and deceit

Denied!
Christianity!
By sin I deny thee

A prophet of insanity
A proponent of many lies
Defile his mosque
Destroy his earthly ties

Awaken the beasts
Azazel, Mastema
Impeach the tyrant god
Let his grave be Golgotha

Denied!
god of Abraham
By sin I defile thee

not bad, honestly. I know that it's supposed to be DSBM, but it does come across as a little too...whiny, I guess? I don't know maybe it's just me but it just seems like you're trying a bit too hard, there.

Hahahaha...well thanks for your input. I guess the "whiny" feel comes from being chased down and killed? Idk...it's supposed to be a depressive, but edgy song.

Never shared my lyrics with anyone up to now, so don't know whether they suck or not. Criticism would be appreciated. Posting three I would pick as the "best" (i.e the ones I had the most fun writing).

You should be ashamed of this. Immature subjects coupled with terrible writing are embarrassing.

Zodi's right, those lyrics are all kinds of and and

And not in the right way.

eh, what the fuck did I just read