Toxic Angel

Her blood glows in green
Acidic eyes looking at me
Beautiful that I ever seen
Kiss the lips that are thirsty
Spreading her majestic wings
All have dressed in white
The blessings what she brings
In this unpredictable night

She dances around myself
I have lost to your will
Even though, need no help
The darkness in her dwells
I love the flavor of your kiss
Venomous, never tasted so good
That feeling of an early bliss
Surrendering to her and I would

I don't need the devil
When I got her instead...
SO DROP ME DEAD!!!

(Chorus)--------------------

Toxic Angel - take me away
To her heaven... we can be free
Toxic Angel - open her ray
Feeling this sin... forever to be
Oh she's my toxic angel
-----------------------------

She spreads her wings
I'm under her spell
The blood is burning
It's better than hell

And we fly... and fly... and fly to her neverland

I don't mind this feel of surrender
As long as we're here now together
Freedom, I'm totally under her command
So come on, take me to the promised land

And we fly... and fly... and fly anywhere she wants

This is the feeling when I'm with her...

I don't need Satan
When I got her instead
SO DROP ME DEAD

(Chorus Change)--------------------

Toxic Angel - take me away
To her heaven... we can be free
Toxic Angel - soul on decay
To her Eden... A place to be
Oh sweet TOXIC ANGEL
------------------------------------

LET US BOTH FLY FREE!!!

(Solo)

I don't need anyone
WHEN I'M UNDER YOUR SPELL
IT IS TIME FOR THE KILL

(Chorus Change)--------------------

Toxic Angel - take me away
To her heaven... we can be free
Toxic Angel - games to play
My soul's given... I'm not thirsty
Oh my sweet toxic angel...
Give me another deadly kiss
The feeling of eternal bliss
Yeah!!
----------------------------------------

(Outro Solo)

This is like 80's Glam Engrish, I dig it. Am I wrong in assuming English isn't your first language? If so, you still make it work.

You hit the nail on the head with that one, Necro. As I read that, I pictured a very ostantatious Japanese glam band. Don't know if that's actually good or bad, though.

Yup, my first language isn't English but the reason that some of the grammar is off is because I want to fit it in within a certain melody. My English grammar isn't that bad but sometimes in lyrics, you have to distort the language a bit so that it would fit the music especially when you're trying to rhyme.

The music is Power Metal with some Gothic elements given the lyrical subject matter. Even though, I don't write any music but I do write lyrics for the sake of hobby and I enjoy doing it.

Far out man, they were still pretty cool lyrics.

do you do vocals? what genre? idek if it even matters anymore, the lyrics are so good that this shit could be drone and id probably like it.

^- Share his sentiment, your lyrics are fucking amazing.

Aw shucks guys, I'm glad you enjoyed them so much. I do in fact do vocals Suffersystem, normal singing as well as every kind of harsh vocal except really high shrieks.

sweet. your lyrics make me think of Pig Destroyer a bit.

They're one of my main influences actually. Such incredibly dark buy beautiful lyrics. Them, acid bath, and a little extra general hatred about covers it

fuck yes

I hate it that I'm one of the few talentless members on this forum. I can do a little death growl and I may be able to sing, but sadly there are no metal bands in our area, save for scene-shit aborted proto-bands which exist for three weeks without ever playing a note together which I would never consider associating myself with.

So I'm assuming the quote from "Boy Constrictor" in that last song was intentional then?

Yeah obviously man. Every writer takes something from their influences and make it their own. Even Dax Riggs took a lot from Jim Morisson. Edit: strangely enough, Pig Destroyers music gets on my nerves, I just find their lyrics masterful.

I myself have this problem too. Finding a non-shitty band to associate with is damn hard.

i know that feel

These are the lyrics I started writing for my doom/black metal project. I'm not entirely satisfied with them so I'd really appreciate some constructive criticism, the song is called "Quo Modo Deum" which means the way of god in latin (not a christian song, just in case you were worried lol)

Driven by power
Turning Mad
Desire to control
All of man
Walk in line
Don't ask questions
You'll be the test subject
For their latest invention

They read your thoughts
Sell them back to you
It's the way of god
It's the golden rule

Radio frequencies broadcast your location
Fingerprinted at birth
Gait recognition
They know where you are
They know who you're with
Don't try to resit
You're already on the list

Who are you?
In the Flesh?
Credit cars or electromagnetic blips?
The clothes you wear
And the car you drive
It's a case of identity theft worldwide

You have no power no humanity
Hide your head in your hands
But they still see

Stand in line
To be converted
Into Fuel
To feed the serpent

Technological utopia
Just don't question authority
Sell your soul for the perfect life
Who needs freedom?
That only brings strife

Supersoldiers, supercops
Serving Corporations that's their lot
Been up 7 days and they feel no pain
Electronically induced pleasure
As they keep you in chains

Complete Social Control
That's their goal
If you think this is a conspiracy theory
I guess you haven't been told

It's a little iffy on some of the wording, and some of the lines are stronger than others. I like that you keep it all very vague but it does meander a little. I wasn't clear on what you were trying to say sometimes. Also, this seems way more like a thrash or grind song than black/doom.

Agree on all the points established by Necro here. Besides, it feels more than a bit overlong. You should either cut the song a bit, or make the length worth it.

Alright, I have something. I suppose it could fit pretty well into any extreme genre or gothic metal, but I wrote it as a tech death song. It's called "A Song for Friend." I clarify anything about it if anyone asks, but for the moment I want to see if anyone gets it.

The first two couplets in each set rhyme. Each couplet in the last one rhymes, some loosely. Everything is death-growled.

Yeah I agree that some lines are stronger than others, maybe I should just remove the less strong parts all together if its too long? Also do you think I should reword it so that it doesn't rhyme? What parts would you say were the weakest?

@AllTooHuman: I would say the second and the two last paragraphs are the biggest offenders. I would actually just remove those altogether. The rhyming is fine but again, it dosen't work as Black Doom at all. @psisbad: Yeah, I don't like this at all. It's just urgh. Pretty bad. Some of the rhymes literally made me cringe. "I sing this to my friend dearest, a token to antithesis"?Just no. Sorry I don't have any constructive criticism. Maybe someone else will.

I think I'm just gonna rework the entire song, I don't think it should rhyme at all any more, thanks for your feedback, I'll post the new version in a couple of days.

Am I the only one thinking most of these lyrics are overly cheesy? I mean, I'm a lyricist, so I'm not immune to criticism or anything, but I feel like the lyrics are even a little bit satirical at times. I'd probably not post any of my own lyrics lest they suck, even though I feel like my lyrics are pretty decent. But hey, cheesy lyrics are better than giving up and working at McDonalds!

Which ones are you referring to exacly?

I've got one, it's not that good, but I wanted to do one based on Kafka's Metamorphosis.

"Like a cockroach, I dwell in the darkness.
Less than human.
A parasite, a stain, a contemptuous beast
Isolated from the world.
Fueled by nothing but the bittersweet hope
Of a return to Summers past."

I'll make it longer eventually.

I would say it's a good start. Nice sig by the way

Yeah, I agree. I believe it has lots of potential. Nice start, eager for more.

None in particular. I just scroll through and I can't picture any of the lyrics as songs. It just seems like a bizarre poem. Now the lyrics of something like Death or King Diamond are so awesome that they don't even need to resemble songs to be worth a read, but just looking through and seeing random lyrics, I can't tell what genre it's supposed to be or how I'm supposed to feel... my biggest constructive criticism would be meter, the lyrics I've read on here don't feel like they fit the structure of a song. My personal advice to anybody is to write the lyrics after writing the song so it gives the lyrics a more flowing structure.

Again, I'm just saying in my opinion, I don't think anybody's a bad writer necessarily, it just seems like they're trying to cram too much into the song, unless everybody's songs are supposed to be 20 minutes long, then it might work better.

Okay well that's way too non-specific to mean anything to anyone.

You asked for me to finish it, but I think I've got all I need really.

“Like a cockroach, I dwell in the darkness.
Less than human.
A parasite, a stain, a contemptuous beast,
Contemplating my fall from grace.
Isolated from the world and it’s embrace.
Fueled by nothing but the bittersweet hope
Of a return to Summers past,
I wallow in my filth for as long as my days will last.
My only wish is that my family will move on and be
As happy as we all were, together.
But this time without me.”

I can't decide whether to keep the rhyming or not.

I only just did this one, I tried to do it in a similar vein to La Dispute, but obviously not to that amazing level.

"I’d like to say I’m sorry for exaggerating my pain
I didn’t mean anything by it,
I didn’t do it for my own gain.
I never knew what tragedy was until I saw it second hand,
Not even with my eyes
But I felt it across the land,
So much suffering in the world,
And I focused on myself
But all I had to say was “This can’t get any worse”.

As it turns out…
I didn’t know the half of it
And all I had to do was look
Outside my shrouded world into another person’s eyes
I saw their strength fading with every weary breath
And I didn’t think a thing of it
As I awaited my own death.

I wish I had have seen you
Threatening your own wrist.
I thought you were just teasing
Like all you wanted a kiss
A kiss for comfort, kiss for life
If only I’d have seen the knife
I might have had a chance to save you from yourself.

I sit and stare, thinking about that day
I’d love to stop but I
Need to pay for what I’ve done.

'I was too late, and I’m sorry'"

That's pretty good man, I liked it, what genre is it for?

I honestly have no idea. I just had an idea and rolled with it.

Another song I wrote. Enjoy.

SamHAIN
As day turns to night
We gather in our death masks
Our leader stands at the altar
His holy advisers at his side
Awaiting for the chosen to arrive
Then we all hear the trumpets
And stand in line

The guards walk with the chosen in chains
Her head upright, she looking at our masked faces
The garments covering her body torn and dirty
Revealing her sweet breasts and pretty cunt
Her feet and knees getting cut as she's led up the stairs
The master grinning with anticipation

Once she's at the peak
The guards force her into the stone slab
Our master drawing the holy blade
Plunging it into her chest
She moaning out in immense pain
Her pussy wet in fear

The master takes out the blade
Her torso ripped open and revealing her organs
His holiness removing her heart
An offering to lord Satanas

Katatonia: Some of your phrasing is weird and you add needless words, fucking up the grammatical correctness of your sentences. I didn't like the first one, but if you reworked your second one it could end up being something quite tragic. You should elaborate more on what that person meant to you, even if it's through metaphor. For example, I wrote a song/poem that has a similar idea behind it. Check it out:


I remember long nights of agony as a child
Like getting stabbed in the stomach with a serrated knife
"There's no other place on earth that tests your will to live more than this shithole"
She said to me,lying in the hospital bed next to mine
I found her beautiful in a tragic way

She wasn't the type you would give a second look to on the street
But she had a blaze in her eyes
They hadn't gotten to her yet
She had been there before me,just how long was unclear
We spent the hours while I waited for more tests speaking
Of everything and nothing

I heard she'd gone to the ER and asked them to help her
Afraid she would hurt herself
Told to have a seat and wait to be called like the other cattle
6 hours passed,and nothing happened
So she went home and slit her throat
Only when she was rushed in
Bleeding on their white floor
Did they finally see her

The scar was strangely fascinating
I remember one night where she let me feel it
An 8 year old boy more in touch with death in that moment Than he would ever be
I wondered why they hadn't helped her
Wasn't that their job?
Why had they made the waiting room such a test
A test of our will to survive?
How many people had left because 8 hours was too long
For something they felt would resolve itself
And had died because of it?

Still I remember
The blaze in her eyes
You never forget your first love
One morning I awoke,she was gone
This place had been her end too
The fire had been extinguished by the silent walls
By the therapists with their degrees and understanding
By her friends who had visited once,weeks ago

Dead girl,I never learned your name
But those nights shaped my spirit
And as I reminisce tonight
I wish I could have given you as much strenght as you gave me

Maybe you would have made it through one more sleepless night

Sorry to be this blunt, but this is awful. Sounds like an underdeveloped and much less eloquent version of The Black Dahlia Murder's A Shrine to Madness.

This is the lyrics to one of my band's songs. It's blackened death metal:
End of all life

Ostracize, internalize, all close their eyes-To endless destruction
Bleeding, screaming, all hope is dying-Humanity's extermination
It's the beginning of a world without restriction

The birth of vicious pleasure
Killing, raping, all at their own leisure
Fires, liars, an unchangeable hell on earth
The end of the endless cycle of rebirth
children,growing through this tragedy
Politicians masturbating to this insanity
Nuclear atrocity, the planet withers
Everything that breathes suffers
Cosmogenesis, Planetary decay
Ecosystems annihilated, nothing left to do but pray
Humanity is powerless, its too late
So the bitter few that warned the lazy accept their fate
The mushroom cloud will bring with it a disgusting race
Worthless animals and their guns will be wiped from the planets face
Mountains crumble, time for the final crash
All that we know is ended in a flash
In their backs, they slowly twisted their own knife
It's the end of all life

This isn't bad by any means but I find it to be below your usual standards, Necro. It could use some..... Originality, perhaps? Because it strikes me as too faceless.

Perhaps you're right. It was written quite a while before the other things I posted in this thread. It's also one of my only rhyming ones.