For a rough draft is great, but I can't say much about it until it's finished.

A song I recently wrote for my band if I can ever get some members.

Untitled by Poe Ohlin
Living in the shell
Of a weakened life
I throw myself upon razor's edge
Raining precious rubies

My skin turns cold
From lost of nurture
My body starts to fail
The bones cracking from marrow

The skeleton rips out
Trying to free itself
As I fall flat
I drown in the red river

hello fellow metalheads
my senior project is to record a death metal album (but i'm probably going to do an ep since im in way over my head xD;;) and i'm wondering if you could give me some advice on my lyrics.
i dont really know what kind of death metal it will be exactly (probably death/doom) but i suck at technical shit, i hate grindcorey shit, and my main influences for death metal are are autopsy, cannibal corpse, bolt thrower, and nunslaughter.
anyways tell me what you guys think;

"Agahnim"

He will defile and devour your soul
leaving nothing but a bottomless hole
a heart thats cold, and blacker than coal
he'll rip your spleen out and swallow it whole

behold the wrath of aganhim
inflicting wounds and bleeding sores
behold the wrath of aganhim
sending you to the dark world

you're stranded inside a desolate plain
you know you shall never sleep again
now skin turns to wood and feet to root
ash of death mountain covers you in soot

suffer(x4)

behold the wrath of aganhim
inflicting wounds and bleeding sores
behold the wrath of aganhim
sending you to the dark world

can feel his unholy power,
bring you to your darkest hour?
cower beneath the sorcerer's might
the there is no hope, you cannot fight

you suffer forever in eternal solitude
while trapped inside the dimension of doom
endure endless pain so horribly brutal
prepare yourself for your electric funeral

behold the wrath of aganhim
inflicting wounds and bleeding sores
behold the wrath of aganhim
sending you to the dark world
_____________________________________________________

"Evisceration" :

tonight. you die.
your life. denied.
death's light. will blind.
then hell. you'll find.

chorus: stumbling down a bloody path
organs falling out of a gash
internal inverted to take you're life
evisceration, its time to die

clutching. your guts.
bleeding out. eyes shut.
realize. you're fucked.
now you're dead. you've been cut

-chorus-

vital. organs slipping,
out of. the section missing,
from your body. now you're waiting
for death.you're life is ending.

-chorus-
_______________________________________________
EDIT: i found the finished version
"Relentless Mutilation" :

ripping the flesh, bathing in blood
hatred takes over, violence will flood
sever the limbs, tasting the gore
fucking a helpless dying whore

decrepit fist-fuck, perversion exceeds
releasing my urges as i watch her bleed
before she dies, my cock she will suck
rotting holes in her body, i want to fuck

MUTILATE HER
DESECRATE HER
VIOLATE HER
ANNIHILATE HER

RELENTLESS MUTILATION

MUTILATE HER
DESECRATE HER
VIOLATE HER
ANNIHILATE HER

RELENTLESS MUTILATION

perversion to hunger, her skin i will eat
cooking the brains, on them i will feast
running acid bath, for her naked bones
storing her vagina, in a box

ripping the flesh, bathing in blood
hatred takes over, violence will flood

ripping the flesh, bathing in blood
hatred takes over, violence will flood

ripping the flesh, bathing in blood
hatred takes over -

RELENTLESS MUTILATION!!!

Pretty damn brutal man. Keep up the work.

Another song of mine.

Morbid Eclipse by Poe Ohlin
When the clouds dissipate
And the sky darkens
The urges to inflict start again
And my mind takes the toll

As the sun becomes black
And the blood begins to spill
Fear strikes the hearts of humans
As the scent of death fills my nostrils
I get high from my mayhem

As bodies fall behind me
Fetuses ripped from the womb
So I can feed on the stem cells
To reform my organs

As the sun becomes the moon
And I start to fade
I look at the morbid eclipse
For my final sight before I die

Morrrrrbidddd ECLIPSE!

kudos to those who know what "Agahnim" is about xD
here's another one;

"genocide"

the troops of doom invade the nation,
violent explosions with black sedations
cities on fire, burning to a crisp
the blood and gore are making you sick

war is ravaging all of the land
seas of blue now turned to sand
men without limbs, cadavers in the streets
you cower in fear of their marching feet

chorus: you run like a frightened child so weak
it's peace and love that you now seek
sucks for you, because this is earth
there is no happiness, life or mirth

infecetions in an open wound
born from the war machine's womb
no protection, from this foreign wrath
tanks are crushing everything in their path


-chorus- (x2)

entrenched in chaos, the battlefronts bleak
women and children-gunned down- let out a shriek
no hope for your side
a total genocide

thanks man

same to you

^ Thanks for the feedback and your welcome. Here are more of my hymns.

Buried Alive by Poe Ohlin
As time goes on
My skin turns yellow
Hair falls out
And my eyes become hollow

Maggots dig into my skin
Eating my flesh away
Tendons start to show
My intestines fall out

The skeleton falls apart
Cracking from age
They turn black like soot
They sink into the soil

As I turn into dust
I have truly ended
I have decomposed
Ashes to ashes

Crushfuck by Poe Ohlin
Rocking against you
As you cry out
I slam myself onto you
Destroying your insides

I rip your suckle
And flood your body
I slam myself again
Crushing your body

Deathsaw by Poe Ohlin
Standing over your body
Tied to the wall
Watching you squirm and scream
As you try to live

Sharpening the rusted
Preparing for the thrill
Listen to the rip
Insides spilling out
Your shit everywhere

Standing in the mud
Maggots crawl over your corpse
Your lowers' filled with me
Aint it fucking great

Requiem Mass by Poe Ohlin
As I march down the hall
Towards Helvete
My master awaits me
My Pagan soul is going home
As my corpse rots in it's grave

Lord Sathanas beckons me
Through the funeral fog
Soldiers prepare for the war
Goats led to slaughter

As I arrive at home
The requiem plays
And the black mass begins

Poe Ohlin, your lyrics are well written, but need more thought (and length) put into them and suffer from being very generic. Certainly a more rich language could help.

poe, you said yellow early on in that first song (theyre really good imo btw) but then you said it again in the line "it turns yellow" i suggest changing yellow to something else.

the second part of crushfuck is fuckin awesome

deathsaw made me smile/laugh (in a good way) but it doesnt rhyme (although if your growl are deep enough or the rythms good enough who gives a fuck), and you said everywhere twice in an awkward way.

requiem mass is good but too short

Thanks to you both. And I'm surprised that you like Crushfuck Suffer. I wrote it to almost be like a second part or middle part of Deathsaw but cool anyways. And yeah I am aware that they are short and they do seem pretty generic. I'll work on them harder and try to get them to a finer and sharper length and to not be as generic. I actually almost posted one song, but it's a cluster fuck right now and I'm trying to get it together. Thanks for the feedback and cool to know I made somebody smile from them.

I WROTE MOAR
and i am DAMN. PROUD. of this one

PANZER-TRACK HEADCRUSH:

a nameless soldier trapped in battle
led to slaughter like worthless cattle
running through a rain of lead
falling face-first - shot in the leg

no comrades to help you up
the door to survival has been shut
lying helpless on the ground
hoping to god that you'll be found

hours of torment
before your demise
a pain so blunt
yet so precise

newborn maggots hatching in droves
blood soaked through all your clothes
smelling the rot - tasting the death
the ground now shakes - incoming tank

hours of torment
before your demise
a pain so blunt
yet so precise

it's slowly rolling over your body
causing horrid instantaneous rotting
lungs disabled - you can't make a sound
as it flattens you into the ground

hours of torment
before your demise
a pain so blunt
yet so precise

kidneys squeezing out of your face
intestines falling out of what lacerates
organ juices - such a bitter taste
heart bursting out its rib shaped case

liquefaction of your worthless flesh
your neck and head are all thats left
skull starts to crack - brain starts to leak
and the wheels that crushed you continue to creak

Suffersystem; your lyrics remind me of Artillery's Bombfood (which is good), only much more... How to say it? Oh, yeah; much more death metal. I could definitely imagine guys like Martin Van Drunen or Henri Sattler roaring that piece. Good work.

thanks man ^^
BEHOLD THE WRATH OF MY BRAIN, FINGERS, AND KEYBOARD, BITCHES

i figured insted of trying to think of badass/gross shit to say along the way i should have a rough concept of something(as apposed to just a subject), then simply describe the scene

That sounds like an interesting idea. Describing horrific scenes from a detached, cold point of view rather than an euphoric one would give your lyrics a much more sinister edge. Try that.

thats what i tried to do for PanzerTrack HeadCrush. i was like "hmm what would fuckin hurt?.. getting run over by a tank till your organs burst out of your face like your a tube of fucking toothpaste." haha. but yeah i treid to describe it rather than just write about it.
it was my first time trying this so, while PTHC are some of the best lyrics i've ever written, i think eventually i could even better.

how obvious is it that when i wrote this i was buying 2 deicide albums and wearing a nunslaughter shirt? xD

SATANIC FORNICATION:

summoning the demons of hate and death
with a ritualistic kind of sex
on the pentagram, our naked bodies lay
to unleash hell on earth today

we sacrifice her virgin cunt to him
satan will rise and praise our sins

satanic fornication
masochistic defacation
unholy breasts unlock the lock
and what opens the gates, is my cock

now the deed is over and done
she has taken all of my cum
in her womb my unholy sperm lies
allowing our dark lord to rise

SATANIC FORNICATION
THE UNHOLY RITUAL OF LUCIFER
SATANIC FORNICATION
SUMMONING OUR OMNIPOTENT MASTER

satanic fornication
masochistic defacation
unholy breasts unlock the lock
and what opens the gates, is my cock (x2)

SATANIC FORNICATION(X4)

summoning the demons of hate and death
with a ritualistic kind of sex
on the pentagram, our naked bodies lay
to unleash hell on earth today

A new version of Deathsaw that combines it with Crushfuck.

Deathsaw by Poe Ohlin
Standing over your body
Tied to the wall
Watching you squirm and scream
As you try to live

I ram in you
Crushing your insides
As you cry out
I rip your suckle
And flood your womb
I slam myself onto you
Crushing your body

Sharpening the rusted
Preparing for the thrill
Listen to the rip
Insides spilling out
Your shit everywhere

Standing in the mud
Maggots crawling on your corpse
Your lowers' filled with me
Aint it fucking great

The song has been recorded several weeks ago, so it's kinda late to ask for possible corrections and apply them, but any criticism and feedback could be useful for the future

Please disregard the complete lack of metrics, I was short on time and had to get something to sing over the song.

Pretty cool lyrics. Could you however tell us what the non English lyrics are?

Oh, right, rough translation:

You sir, are a fucking master of your craft. That piece could easily fit into Morbid Angel's earlier work (especially the Formulas era), and as such you have my respect. Great job.

Really damn fine job friend. If you ever get the chance to record this, I'd love to hear it.

Thank you both, I think it could have been better given more time, but I'm always leaving everything for the last second.

Song has already been recorded, we need to finish some small arrangements and things that need fixin' here and there, a bit of mixing, then I finish painting the cover and we're done with the demo, I'll make a thread or something once we put it up online.

By the way, most of the translation to Latin was done by this (awesome) guy, he really helped me a lot:
http://heavylatin.blogspot.com/

(gotta give him credit somewhere)

I'll eagerly await your thread then. It sounds like it's gonna be sweet.

Then I'll be awaiting your thread, as I wish to hear the instrumental parts of the song, as well as how your vocals sound.

Almost all serial murderer lyrics are indentical in that they only portray murderers with no other motive than sadism and bloodthirst. I'd love to see more lyrics a bit like what Dan Greening wrote that would portray the murderer or whatever as almost sympathetic. Not just:

I masturbate in extacy
As you crawl away in fear
And after I smash your skull
With my bare fists
I ingest the bloodstains you left
As you crawled away from me in terror
With your amputated legs


Boring crap.

The ones to Bleached Bones by Marduk are great and fit that criteria.

This really reminds me of Greening.

The guy lacks the subtlety and vocabulary, though.

You're right in that Lord Worm is capable of making serial killers interesting, mostly because his lyrics are more Hannibal Lecter and less Buffalo Bill (I'm sure you know what I mean by that). It's curious how reading some of his stuff actually reminds me of famous murderers, and the lyrics to Orgiastic Disembowelment in particular I find to be the most haunting, as I always seem to relate them with Jack the Ripper. I'm anxious to see what kind of wretched poetry he will unleash upon us with Rage Nucléaire...

I was highly intrigued by the lyrics of Lichmistress. Worm describes a lustful love of a dead and buried vampire (which I think the guy is trying to reanimate) in an intelligent, interesting fashion. In writing lyrics, nothing is easier than writing ham-fisted and extremely grotesque lyrics of shocking subjects, and I suppose little is harder than doing the same in an intelligent fashion. It's a simple fact that a subtle way of describing things in lyrics is always more effective than rubbing it in everyone's face.

If that's the way you think, then (and I hate spamming my shit, but it's for the purpose of discussion so what the hell) you might want to take a look at the lyrics I posted on the previous page. They're not nearly as poetic as Greening's, but they are somewhat in the line of what you're talking about. Hope you like them

Edit: By the by, here's some new stuff I wrote, although it still needs some work:

Tales from the Mental Swamp

The enigmatic waters of the subconscious
Filled to the brim with murky memories
Long forgotten, either by disregard or by choice
Awaiting the right moment to rise from their entombment

And when the time is right, they shall burst forth
From the bottom of their muddy lake, as ghostly figures in the mist
Haunting their victim's sanity, forever and ever
And with death itself as the only and distant relief

An existence of paranoia and disorientation
A bloated perception, caged by the same thoughts it generates
Drowning, rotting, and decomposing
Now enshrouded by the mist of confusion

Mummified are the poor bastard's senses now
His life a downward spiral, with the leeches of the past
Feeding off of his almost drained lifeforce
Calm is something he'll find nevermore

It's about repressed memories and PTSD, although exaggerated for dramatic purposes. I know there's something wrong with this piece, but I can't quite put my finger on it... Maybe it's too short?

Very good, it would work well as death/doom or gothic metal similar to Paradise Lost.

Wow, really good my friend. I don't pay much attention to lyrics but...It reminds me of "Within the Mind" somehow, don't know why.

Thank a lot buddy And, now that I think about it, there's a certain similarity with Within the Mind's lyrics, with the difference that those are much more optimistic. I think this could go well with some straightforward death metal a la Bloodbath, and hey, maybe I'm just too much of a perfectionist and that's why I think there's something wrong with them. Anyway, thanks again!

It's a really good song my friend. As far as your believing something is wrong, it could be because it could use another line or two. That and possibly because there is no explanation into why the subject of the song has PTSD and repressed memories. But this is my opinion, it's yours' that counts.

Yes, maybe it's just a little bit too short, but I think that the meaning of the lyrics is clear enough if you really look into them. Think about the imagery and (weak, I know, but what the hell) symbolism from the right angle and you'll see what I mean.

Yes it is weak ha ha On a second read, I think I can get the meaning. Good job, again.

This is something i wrote for Melodic Death/Gothic Metal project im involved right now

FORGOTTEN FORCES

Withers* - My body withers for secrets meant to be unknown
Losing* - Losing my sanity for those that live beyond
Hungry* - My hunger for (ancient) knowledge might tear this world apart
Awaking* - Awaking forgotten forces from aeons away

Invoking entities that shall remain uncalled
Will this soul of mine bear what's behind the door
or will be dragged to the very guts of HIM?
I don't know, just don't want to know

You're on the edge of something great*
You're about to reveal the begining of all*
But now your human weakness*
Stops you from pushing the envelope*

You felt so brave*
Yes, you think you were*
But now you are trembling*
Like a hopeless child*

I can smell HIS stench
An abyss-like threshold opens before me
Wish i was never open that book
now HIS legions will swarm the earth

* Female vocals

Lovecraft inspired lyrics? Cool.

Yeah, since it's not my project the other singer asked me to write about occult stuff, and to be honest i dont feel very comfartable singing about it (because im a skeptic when it comes to gods, religions, ghosts, ghoules, etc ), so i decided to write about something i really enjoy like Lovecraft literature.

Here's another song i wrote. This one is based on Sam Holroy's Tibb's House:

DANESBROOK

(Female vocal solo*)

The hunt ended centuries ago
but vengeance knows no clock
her pain was so strong
trascended time itself

She roams
She lurks
She waits
For the perfect time to let the black veil fall

Never did any harm*
But my lord turned his face away (from me)*
His minions rejoice on my pain*
Trying to save a soul that has been poisoned by themselves*


Generations come and go
But her shadow has been always around
Never did any harm
Until she found a hostess

This young skin feels so good*
So tempting for those about to fall*
What a perfect hostess for me to possess*
None other than the heiress of my blood*

The rage of yesteryears
is here to end what the cross started
the spirits of those holy sinners are still around
and their blood will flood the streets of this town

Female vocals*