You're stretching.

Who's whining? Me for not thinking something is funny, or you for getting all bent out of shape because someone doesn't think something you think is funny is funny? Seriously, what is your problem?

OK, I guess I got put in my place. I'll shut the fuck up now. Didn't mean to get angry at you since we have different tastes in humour.

Now shut up, both of you, of the voice of reason will be muted and the other gentleman will be thrashed by the real Gestapo.

Let's get back on the track, folks.

OSheaman and his apparent mission to destroy In Flames' credibility is pretty funny. When I read his reviews, I picture someone similar to Eric Cartman typing furiously, as if his hyperbole-filled rants need to be shown to the public as soon as possible. The Whoracle review is his best.

Ultra-Boris's Master of Puppets review had me laughing. His impersonation of the most extreme, uninteligble eltist ever.

Napero - Master of Puppets:

"I think most of the people who say they dislike MoP were still building sandcastles or learning not to wet their beds in 1986. And honestly, I don't really blame them. I've had a lot of trouble in learning to appreciate the music from the ancient times before I turned 10. Black Sabbath is a prime example of this: I recognize a dozen or so songs, but find none of them really worth my time. Iron Man gives me a rash and makes me restless and irritated, and that drunken, off-key feminine "Öy Yeeh!" in the beginning of that one song is stupid enough make me blush for Ozzy. But I still won't deny the band's influence or value. We would all be listening to elevator muzak pan flute synth versions of The Beatles if it weren't for them. Yup, Alphaville would have claimed a two-inch space on YOUR CD shelf without Black Sabbath."

"Everybody knows it: you, me, the metalhead next door, the 30 years old nicely C-cupped secretary in your dad's office and that pale skinny guy handing you the fries on the drive-through (or, alternatively, receiving them from you). Try to explain something about Artillery's Fear of Tomorrow or Dark Angel's Darkness Descends to those people, and you get the same "get out of here, you untidy weirdo" look you'd give a flaming indie movie buff trying to tell you about the newest art movie with sexual minority cowboys eating quiche; it isn't familiar, so it's bound to be less interesting. And if the same movie freak at the same time makes the mistake of saying that The Last Boyscout is worthless mainstream junk of questionable entertainment value, you'd certainly punch the dweeb, right?"

OlympicSharpshooter (lovingly known as OSS for all you sandcastle-builders) - Hatebeak:

"I rate this a 22, for music, and a 65 for comedy. Still, the packaging (a parody mixing elements of Priest, Carcass, and Hatebreed) is ultra-slick, and the fact that you can say to your buds, 'Man, I was rockin' to some avian death metal...' and then watch their faces when you explain that it's metal with a PARROT singing... that's worth more than words, and more than this music.

Stand-Outs: Who are you kidding?"

Y. Malmsteen's debut:

"Yngwie goes up the scales; Yngwie goes down the scales…"

“I write the songs, I produce the album, I design the cover art, if I weren’t so busy multi-tracking my guitars I’d play all the other instruments, and yeah, that nigh-unreadable gothic text in the liners is mine too!”

“And here is where I pull out my acoustic guitar and then uhh… shred some more.”

“I call this one ‘White Porpoise Operetta in G’… hey, is anybody out there?”

"Personally, I feel that the next album from Malmsteen, Marching Out, is actually a pretty good album, an integral piece of power metal history. However, Marching Out is not the album I’m reviewing right now, and most certainly not the album I’m handing a whopping 17% to. Rising Force is the only metal album I’ve ever fallen asleep listening to… in the middle of the afternoon.

“Thank you people, you’ve been great! Well, at least I have.

*zzzzz*”

God that was hilarious! Even though I love that album and Yngwie in general that was hilarious! Though it also explains why people always ignore "Icarus' Dream Suite Op.4" and it's obvious exception to the "all speed all the time" rule, because they apparently fell asleep(lazy reviewers).

Still, that got me a good laugh.

This nice little gem by chaossphere for Suicidal Tendencies' "Suicidal For Life" gets me in stitches every time I read it. So much so that gave in to the urge and borrowed this approach to mocking overuse of profane lyrics on a review I just did for Hellyeah.

That one is an absolute classic

Metallica reviews are always a good laugh. I especially enjoyed the Some Kind Of Monster documentary reviews. I know that Metallica is overrated, but it's so damn funny and a great time waster.

Damn, didn't realise peeps on here actually dug my stuff. I was only here for a short time and I kinda stopped doin reviews and all that after I was banned (FRAMED!!!) by big mean people who hate me for being nice and polite and always well-mannered, yes. But cheers for the complimentaries amigos, I wasn't expecting that at all.
Anyone know what happened to my Gorguts review though?

I know exactly what you mean.

I found cinedracusio's review of a Vzaeurvbtre album to be hilarious... especially the comparison of the bands music to a certain Tom and Jerry cartoon.




http://www.metal-archives.com/review.php?id=43740

failsafeman's review of Keeper of the Seven Keys Part I is utterly hilarious.



I don't despise Helloween quite as much as he does, but I was laughing for five minutes at that one simply because of how true it is.

it really is so true...

Bastard Head is my favorite reviewer actually. Heres my favorite of his.

http://www.metal-archives.com/review.ph ... 6508#44563

The review is entitled "Go Go Gadget Blast Beat"

god DAMN. Please let me die in the obscurity that I deserve.

*goes back to listening to old Kreator demos*

here's a hint, fellers... I listened to it last week.

mindeth. blowneth. oh shit, dress up in Renaissance garb and listen only to the first four Sabbath albums!

Photographing more signs might aid in that *hint hint*

Pretty much all the 50% below Brain Drill reviews are worth a read. And Kruel's review of Deathspell Omega's SMRC.

Still laughing really, really hard at this:



Well done, ANationalAcrobat, well done.

Holy hell! I had no idea UB was still around, I thought he disappeared a long time ago.

He likes to pop by from time to time to make sure we haven't forgotten him.

I do the same thing. Trouble is that my popularity waned while he mastered the art of staying MA famous.

Thats because all you did was make food jokes, he went around dissing a bunch of albums newbies love. You weren't aggressive enough on the mainstream crowd, you were just generally funny, and that crap doesn't cut it 'round here.

Hey now, I dissed Meshuggah and made several references to how overrated I found Darkness Descends (although I never properly reviewed it).

Then again, I do like older Bodom, Ensiferum, Necrophagist, and plenty of newer, relatively famous acts, so newbies like me. I attempted the tried and true deathcore bashing train but Cyptopsy and Winds of Plague are easy targets and Oceano got deleted. Maybe starting writing again could help keep me relevant eh?

You're also that one guy who doesn't like Primordial. (this is directed to BastardHead of course)

I dunno, BH's negatives always seemed so lighthearted, I could never get angry at him. He also ripped into NSV which is the only album I've given a 100 to, and I didn't care, I didn't think he was an idiot or anything, almost like who wrote the whole review while winking at me.

BH's review of ayreon's human equation is funny. Lmao

When'd I do that? Early on when I was first getting into extreme metal I didn't like it due to Lord Worm's bizarre ruh ruh ruh ruh style which I was incredibly unused to, but since then I've actually made several references to how much I love Phobophile.


And jeez, I haven't read my Ayreon review in ages, it's from the time I'm not too horribly proud of. I feel I've come a long way since then. But hey, my early stuff seems to get the most love it seems .

Ah shit, I was thinking of Bezerko's review, carry on. My Bad.

I still got that vibe from your Primordial one, I actually have an opposite opinion on that album, you call it steak smell wafting through the air, I find it to be an odourless steak. I think it's full of substance, not enough flash.

Regarding Primordial, yes, I still feel like To the Nameless Dead is brimming with potential that it never quite reaches, but I think The Gathering Wilderness is phenomenal. It's not that it's abundant in "flash" per se, but more atmosphere. You ever played Fatal Frame? The game's massively unsettling and insanely scary but the gameplay is kind of shitty. That's what TtND reminds me of.

I don't know about anyone else, but Empyreal's reviews of Skylark's albums had me in stitches. Haven't had a good laugh in a while.

I didn't have to try very hard on the Fairytales review. It practically wrote itself once I heard the album once.

failsafeman on Judas Priest's "A Touch Of Evil"

And then what's with "A Touch of Evil"? Sounds like "bad touch", you can't tell me Halford was thinking about some buxom wench while writing those lyrics! I'm sure it was some barely pubescent metalhead with peach fuzz on his balls, or perhaps some big burly biker type. Any subliminal messages that may have actually been in Judas Priest songs were assuredly trying to convince people to bugger ol' Rob's lonely cornhole.

You mesmerize slowly
Till I can't believe my eyes
Ecstasy controls me
What you give just serves me right

Yeah, I'll bet Halford's getting it just right. The whole song sounds like he's wrestling with being in the closet: "I'm so afraid/But I still feed the flame" for example. It seems somehow appropriate the song is saccharine, plodding, and repetitive as FUCK. That fucking drum beat is like getting pounded in the ass over and over and over and over. I've never engaged in homosexual relations (you'll just have to trust me on that one), but somehow after listening to "A Touch of Evil" I know just what it's like.

Haha yeah, I've also read some cinedracusio's reviews and they are really funny like for example the one for Overkill's Immortalis
http://www.metal-archives.com/review.ph ... 6580#38591

This is exactly how I feel about Judas Priest's Nostradamus...



I also feel the same way about NIME.

I heard 2 tracks from NIME long ago that made me hate Blind Guardian, and they sounded nothing like the Blind Guardian I heard on the debut album, Somewhere Far Beyond, or Imaginations... which kicked ass.

They must have been interludes, and they sucked.