So, what are some really funny reviews here on MA, that literally made you laugh, anyone want to show some? Or at least some quotes if there's just a little part that's funny.

I myself find this review of Enslavement of Beauty's first album hilarious, the first review here:

http://www.metal-archives.com/review.php?id=20027

Now, I'm a fan of EoB, and I think their lyrics are great, but the way this guy describes their (in his opinion) suckage is just so incredible, I laugh my ass off. For example this part:

"It’s hard to see what more Tunheim could have done to rise above the laughable lyrics that quote de Sade throughout and peak at the line “What excitement in my organs". And no I’m not quoting out of context. Try making that line work anywhere."



I wonder if this guy has something personal against the vocalist/lyricist, hehe... But anyway, funny stuff.

Any others??

Most of the reiviews for Cryptopsy's The Unspoken King are good for a laugh. Ramseus's in particular:

"The guitars are distinctly Cryptopsy in tone, but sadly they have been castrated and watered down so much that they've actually begun to erode - I didn't think metal eroded, but I guess it does, and to carry this metaphor further I'd say that the shores of Cryptopsia have been battered by corestorms and now lay at the bottom of lake metal, all waterfront residents of Cryptopsia have lost their homes due to erosion and now feel scared and abandoned. The Cryptopsia government will not aid those who have lost their homes, because “Fuck you this album is more brutal than anything ever.”

On that note, I think this video is appropriate:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xdZTl6mFTAk

Funny stuff.

The Tiffany Vs Whoracle review is a classic.

This is actually funny and clever. Much more than the countless half-assed attempts at wit and humor we stumble upon when reading reviews here in MA.

Yup, one of the very best on the site. The fact that Cheeses_Priced takes a what seems like an impartial stance makes the review even more scathing. Especially when you step back and consider what he says.

Often the funniest reviews are the most scathing, I find. These would be some of my favourites:

http://metal-archives.com/review.php?id=29857#25436 - very, very Napero.

http://metal-archives.com/review.php?id=183835#16199 - the fact that can't award it a 0 makes it even better).

http://metal-archives.com/review.php?id=1305#4085 (not in essence a negative review, but gives a good overview on their career).

Haha, that was funny even though it's for one of my all time favorite albums.

Nappy is without a doubt one of the funniest reviewers on the site. This Iced Earth one is his best, but he has some solid gold humor in his reviews for Metallica, Opeth, the original Burzum poem, and pretty much anything else he does. If it isn't hilarious, it's extremely well done.

*wipes Nappy jizzums off his chin*

Is there any place where I can read that?

http://web.archive.org/web/200604300820 ... php?id=383

Holy shit, it will never go away, will it? Damn... there goes Nappy's shot at being the UN Secratery General.

thanks

Nightgaunt's review for "Hellig Usvart" is a true gutbuster. I love his style and approach towards it.

"This has about as much energy as a sloth on morphine."

I found a lot of hilarious metalcore reviews. The kind of metalheads who use Metal-Archives usually hate metalcore so much it's funny.

Really? Most of those kinds of reviews don't take that much thought put into them at all. I find them pretty weak a lot of the time. "Oh no, metalcore sucks because it has screams and breakdowns!" Weak.

I always liked the lord_ghengis review of Cryptopsy - None So Vile. His describing and discussing of Lord Worm's vocals made me laugh hard the first time, great stuff.

Looks like Cryptopsy's page is the place to go when you want funny reviews.

Empyreal's recent review of God Hates Us All made me snicker quite a bit.

The Navy Blue Vicar was a master at writing amusing reviews. Whatever stuff that guy was smoking, I would like some.

I also get a kick out of some of Acrobat's...the Bathory "Under the Sign of the Black Mark" piece in particular made me laugh aloud a couple of times.

The fact he made sense was the weirdest thing about his reviews. Don't get me wrong; he was batshit insane, but despite that if you twisted your mind, say 90 degrees the other way, his reviews made perfect sense. Especially his Khanate s/t review.

I wish I was that amusing and yet informative with my reviews.

UltraBoris' review of Torture Squad - Pandemonium features what is possibly the funniest paragraph in MA history.



It also happens to be true.

"A considerable problem with this Coloradoan quintet's (quartet at the time of recording) debut EP is the fact that the musicians aren't quite skilled enough to play the music they've written. The drummer is either an extraordinarily talented rhythmist, capable of intentionally playing highly complicated, odd-sounding polyrhythmic patterns with his bass drums, or he's just plain sloppy and unable to stay in time when it comes to double bass (I'm betting on the second alternative). As for the guitarists, they seem to sound worse the further they venture up the fretboard;"

caspian's review of Sunn O)))'s ØØ Void is really great. I love how he approached that review, it is quite funny and all correct as well .

On one of UltraBoris's Ozzy Osbourne reviews he said something about how Ozzy's penis had dropped off due to drug use. Just the context made it hilarious.

I always thought that navy_blue_vicar was funny ass hell.The dude was insane, it seems that the combination of drone doom and whatever kind of drugs he was using ended up messing up his head pretty badly.But damn, he never failed to entertain me with his reviews, and besides, it was his writing that made me check out Dopesmoker and Khanate.

http://metal-archives.com/review.php?id=154953
Bottom review by Desert_Eagle is one of the best I've seen.

"Anyways what's interesting about the band, aside from the anal leakage, is that behind all this we have the singer incorporating the most positive and somewhat thought-provoking lyrics I have heard. I could have easily quoted some here just to kill more space but instead I'll do the same but explaining that I'm not going to do that."

You can't make that shit up.

HA! That holds one of my favorite lines I've ever seen. It was mentioned in the what the christ thread but I never knew where it came from.

My personal favourite review is Ultraboris' review for St. Anger.

"Oh my fucking god, we've got a new Worst Album Ever. I thought that the single could just be an aberration, but ya know what, the whole thing is just as fucking bad. I mean Angel Rat is shit, and The Haunted is shit, but at least they have the decency to motherfucking STOP after a while. This thing just goes on and on... it's longer than Suckwater Park, and suckier. Oh the agony - my blood is bleeding, it's that bad after a while. I would rather amputate my own penis with a rusty tuna can lid and die of gangrene in my groin than endure this album ever again."

Zeingard's review for Kreator's "[Whores] of Chaos":



How about Desert Eagle's review for Winds of Plague's "Decimate the Weak"?


LOL

LMAO

Tepes_The_Unweeping on Meshuggah's "I"; just about now.
It was annoying hitting that "I" on the monitor, but this was worth it.

I've never enoyed his use of changed album/band names (Suckwater park, Suckbid Angel etc), but I do like the "My Blood is Bleeding" line.

I found that little habit of his would be funnier the more ridiculous and over the top its usage was, i.e. his In Flames review title "Reroute to SUCK!" It's just too easy to imagine some disgruntled young man angrily shouting that, not even trying to come off restrained, eloquent or even sensible in his delivery.

I particularly like BastardHead's review of Five Finger Death Punch's The Way of the Fist. It's funny and entertaining, but also describes the music really well.
Actually, i'm a fan of most of BastardHead's reviews in general.

UltraBoris review for Iced Earth - The Glorious Burden is awesome. In particular this part:

I think UltraBoris was arguably the funniest review writer to ever frequent the MA. I was checking out some reviews he wrote and:







This guy truly is a fucking comedian.

Those quotes aren't funny. UB has a bunch of funny lines, so why did you pick the exact ones least likely to prove your point??

As much as I don't like many of Boris' reviews, this one always gets me (Slayer - Show No Mercy):

I honestly found many of those quotes very humorous.

Oh stop fucking whining. Obviously the only humour you can enjoy is someone falling or getting hit at the back of the head with a shovel. Stormalv found them funny, as did I.