@Medrix: let me guess..... Gothic metal?

Maybe, but I'm not entirely sure what "gothic metal" is. There's a good bit of thrashing in it though.

They are good man!!...Keep it Up!! pokies

Here are some lyrics for a song I'm writing in a music class. They are going to be screamed, so they aren't of huge importance. Still, feedback is appreciated, I'm always looking for ways to improve my lyrics/poetry. One thing I'm worried about is the whiny-ness factor.

I Grasp
I want nothing
Take it all

I have no love left for anyone

As I suffer
I berate myself
"I am to blame,"
"I am to blame"

Vomit
Vomit
Vomit it all back up

I created hell with my own hands
I will burn my burdens to the ground
if I die in my cleansing
then I shall suffer no more

What is this ache I feel?
A feeling I can't shake, something that won't be left undone
This urge to regurgitate my thoughts from my head
In a burst of blood, bone, and blinding light

I grasp
I choke
And die

@Clayman; being afraid of the "whiny-ness factor" is rather justified, because those lyrics seem very immature. I don't mean to offend you, but I would use a much different approach to convey the same feeling. Perhaps detaching yourself a bit from the piece (not talking in the first person, for instance) would help remedy that.

Ah, understood. This isn't the normal tone I take, guess it needs work. I'm just glad I asked here before I went and embarrassed myself

ever-intoxicated by the rank odor of hope
in a losing battle at the end of the rope
sluggish and sterile, the aim is to cope
irony of life: on your cure to choke

defending the honour in meaning as well
struggling to warm its empty shell
by means of a fire, hotter than hell
effect is the opposite, now toll the knell

semblance of sense - a terrible ruse
what better than your own end to choose
making it easy, lighting the fuse
only to wet it in this all-minacious ooze

seemingly awful, in fact indeed
apathy only helps to extol the need
fertilizing the soil and planting the seed
to all passion must we take heed



Wow, I never realized just quite how much I suck before I tried to write homoerotic poetry.

Clayman, I agree with it being too whiny. What's your problem, man?

Can I just ask you guys, and hope I don't offend anyone, but do you at all times even know what your own lyrics are about?

Many of these lyrics seems to me like a big pile of cool words and phrases stacked on top of eachother, more than a song lyric.

How can we be offended if you don't name any names?

If that's directed at me, then mine has a meaning. A rather loose one, maybe, but I had a definite idea in mind when I wrote that. But you're right, it would never work as song lyrics. Maybe only in some sort of a technical dm band or something. They weren't really intended as such anyway, just something I wrote cause I was bored and put in a wrong thread.

It was not at all directed at you, just something I wondered when reading through the thread.

I would say all--if not close to all of my lyrics are based around a central idea or theme...

You mean, why did I write that? Life, maaaaaan. And Giles Corey. I'm not actually depressed btw.


I always have a meaning behind mine too. I don't always get that point across very well, but it's there

Same here. I actually try to center on a particular theme when writing. Helps me to keep the whole thing coherent.

Here's the verses of a rap I made a few days ago

Waste: The waste of words continues
As thunder claps and cracks dorothee's shoes
Kansas ain't even on this map, you ran and ended up on hands and knees
Your mother driven insane by mundane trivialities
Assemblage of bullshit masquerading as conversation, obfuscated anger
Like that nasty waste that created the toxic avenger
Meander, meander, meander, motherfucker
A million mouths yapping', slipping', tumbling' further from the aether
Drink a glass of shut the fuck up, tasting like Jeffrey Dahmer's first murder
They sending' you towards Hades,it's plain to see
Turning men into animals like Dr.Caligari
You were born into bad circumstance, can't scratch that itch or wear that crown
Still always fighting' like a vicious bitch that needs to be put down

Shit I see all these kids maddened by the heat, sickened for sympathy
Staring at screens broadcasting nothing but worldwide apathy
Gotta laugh at absurdity before you give in to the sickness
The 6 o'clock news is talking about irradiated blackness

Mankind's a constant blank slate, forgotten' fuck ups of yesterday
Like a clawless velociraptor trying to eviscerate it's prey
It's like a planet wide computer malfunction, wires came undone in the head
Even the zombies are heading to the mall like dawn of the dead
Feeling frantic, hectic, got a ticket on the train to nowhere
My mind's beyond repair, but I couldn't be more self-aware
I'm iller than the man who keeps repeating the lord's prayer
fucked and without chance, drinking straight gin out of a mug
Like Jeff Lebowski waking up from being knocked out on his rug
But nothing matters cause my thoughts stick together like pangea
I got my own skewed logic not lifted from quote pages on wikipedia
I'm broadcasting word anthrax operating on a much different wave frequency
Not hindered by small details like common decency
I'll break bread with you, like your sins are anonymous
But step up to me and get stabbed in the Euronymous
Beyond know thy enemy, be thy enemy
I'll go to work on your wife like I'm Ted Bundy
Alex West Syde, Crash into your living room with a truck
I huff gallons of jenk because I don't give a fuck


Fat men crackling in vacant parking lots
Prostitutes sucking dick for bath salts
What has the world come to
Dumb, deaf, blind children stare at static like they won’t ever come to
Cash-machines line long streets
Patrick Bateman look-alikes flagging wall-street
Say you better eat your shoes if your wallet is empty
Cause Norman Bates types don’t show sympathy
What has the world come to
Dead soldiers don’t matter to pro-lifers
Watching tv to see fat hoarders
Feeding themselves dead with herd after herd
Like hypocrisy ain’t even a word

Some stuff I'm working on for Blasphegram. This one's called "Disemboweled in Lord Lucifer's Name".

Subrick - Really lame, sounds like trying to fit in way too much in terms of murder/rape/family/cult/decay/disembowelment/gore stuff. It's just ridiculous and terrible. Some of the phrases are interestingly worded, but it doesn't flow at all and seems completely forced. Look to early Deicide for hints about more focused and restrained lyrics.

I think they are way too literal, Subrick. And the whole "lol raped a kid" thing feels so stupid to me - how on earth is it made more "evil" to being pedophilia into it? And why give so many details about the occultists? There is that old adage that music is about the gaps, not the notes - it is good to approach lyrics the same way.

I don't think there are too many details about the Satanists. The only things the song explicitly says about their appearance is that they are cloaked, hooded, and masked. When it comes to the rape, think of stuff like The Last House on the Left, which also had the rape of a teenage girl in it. It's not that they are sexually drawn to the girl. Instead, having been given carte blanche to do whatever they want to do in the ritual, they show their power over the family by screwing with them before actually killing them. Also, when it comes to literal lyrics, that's just how I naturally write. When I try to do metaphors and whatnot, it either comes off as incredibly forced or really goofy, so I don't go that route.

hmmm, no offense Subrick but those may just rank as some of the worst lyrics I've read all year so far.
C'mon, man, you can do better than that.

See, I don't even think you necessarily need metaphors, I think you are just giving too much away. Less is more, ya know? They are raping the daughter - is the detail of her age necessary? At the end of the day these are your lyrics and I'm not going to tell you how to go about 'em, you've gotta be happy with them. They just don't do a lot for me.

Those lyrics invoke nothing at all. Generally, the power of lyrics lie in not excplicitly stating every last detail. A good lyricist says much more than he writes.

It reminded me of this piece, which is considerably superior:


Not to mention that the theme is a difficult one to pull off well. More anecdotal lyrics are perfectly acceptable within the context of writing about history or battles. In general, the more interesting your themes are, the more your poor writing can be forgiven. Ritual murder is about the most overused theme; do it well or don't at all. Most importantly, avoid cliches:

Once more? Also, it gives the impression that you, the writer, believe that a bunch of hooded cunts can bring "hell on earth" by killing people randomly for Satan. Use something to the effect of "bringing hell on earth", rather. And don't use hell on earth at all. Come up with something original, like Impaled Nazarene in Armageddon Death Squad: "Hammering down the Satan's law".

This is a supremely important point. The ability to imply things or create a vivid picture with minimal word use is one of the major traits that distinguishes good lyricists from bad. From where I stand, a large majority of metal lyrics are massively deficient in this area.

Finally got courage to show these lyrics to someone, i'm metalhead who tries to learn proper growling/singing to make a band and use these lyrics/songs i have been writing for some time. My typical lyrics are about emotions, changes in life and all that kinda stuff related to humans..(lame, yap) So, here is one for you to judge. ^^

Drift away from the dream
Feel it dying in your hands
Every last bit of light
Is pulling away from you
Dark path that you came
Is now far behind
Every dream that you lost
You will never find

Call down the thunder
Let it be the one
One to strike down you
To lay you asunder
Every awaking moment
Is only prologue to dream
And every dream is warning
Nothing is what it seems

You will see the dawn
Beautiful, yet so distant
And you will hear the sign
For this serenity to begin
But you will dream the dark
Open your mind for an unholy dream
And you will feel the scars
On the path that you hope to redeem

Soil is changing it's shape
It dragging you in
Deep beneath all the world
For inner self to see

Every man casts a shade
For sun to not touch this earth
And every sun that touches the man
Is wasted piece of heaven
There is no god
And there is nothing left to be sacred
But the human within
A soul left to absolve

Walk away from from reality
It's no place for dreamer
Leave everything behind
And walk into deeper
No one knows what's within
And no one dares to seek
Another night falls
Another chance to dream


All kinds of feedback is welcome ^^

Suspended By Threads
Sitting there alone, waiting helpless in the dark
The floor begins to shake and the sky begins to cry
Needles pouring down, screams of pain emerge
Thorns of dark matter strike and incapacitate

Suspended By Threads

Vines emerge from the ground and enstrangle your limbs
Spikes rip into your flesh and make your blood flow
Clouds of toxic smoke enclosing the horizon
Beings from another world, your fate is decided

Ghastly shadows appear and melt away your skin
Bleeding somehow stops, you're frozen, personal biosphere
Your brain encapsulated by a layer of light
Ravenous alien medicine extracts human intelligence

Suspended By Threads

Your mind has been emptied of its knowledge
A psychic vaccuum, a cogitative parasite
A reorganization of thought patterns
Blank slate ridden with unexplainable torment

Your mind is racing just to find reality
It tears itself apart, shredding the subconscious
Reduced to a vegetable, hanging from a thread
Interplanetary experiment leaves you dead

Suspended By Threads



Phantasmagoric Conceptions
Awakened from a bitter cold sleep
My eyes behold a strange new abyss
Visions of fire and horrified plants
Explode into fantasies of life and death

The fabric of life pouring into view
Toxic realities intertwining and thriving
Extinctions and formation become the same
Experimental universe designed to destroy

Phantamagoric conceptions of the inner mind
Twist and question all I've come to believe
I'm experiencing first-hand the truest miracles of life
Unbelievable how surreal life truly is

Into the subconscious, my mind starts to race
Why do we war? Why do we fight?
Why has the human race devolved from such light?
Questions unanswered from throughout all of our time

On the brink of the universe
My mind is racing, it's caving in
I can't comprehend this fantastic vision
It's too much for one man to understand

The universe is now a black hole of nothingness
How could so much come from so little?
At peace with everything, more than death is what I have found
My universe is now one, and forever shall it be still

Here's a silly song I wrote for Blacksmith. Worked on it a bit with the singer last week who changed a few words to suit his take on the vocal melody. It is stupid, cheesy, and a lot of fun to play:

The sun has set
And the howling begins
The blood of mortals
Is running thin
We were warned,
A long time ago
Evil forces
Beyond our control

The earth is the target
Destination number one
On the hit-list
the full moon's sons!
Try not to faulter
They can sense your fear
Impenetrable armour
The end it draws near

Robot werewolves
From planet 89!
Stalking victims at night time
Robot werewolves
From planet 89!
Hunt- down, dehumanize all of mankind!

Can't you see
There is no true cure
The demons made of chrome
An invasion we can't endure
There's one answer
Just one true escape
We can't defeat them,
We must assimilate!

Robot werewolves
From planet 89!
Stalking victims at night-time
Robot werewolves
From planet 89!
Scanners detect the end of mankind!

So, I'm working on some lyrics about Slaanesh (you know, the God of Lust from Warhammer 40k). I'm yet to come up with a few more verses, but I guess that showing what I have come up with until now won't hurt anybody. As always, suggestions of any kind are welcome.

The Birth of Decadence

Rupturing the Empyrean
Heinous, decadent lord
Born of indulgences and oblivion
The bane of a civilization
A perverse creation

Corrupted spiritual spawn
Targets its kindred
The Great Fool runs
The Bloody-Handed one is shattered
And the Lady of Life, imprisoned
The rest are consumed

Hedonism in the flesh
Creativity, perfection and lust
The dominion of the Purple King
Eldritch seductiveness
Enthralls and taints

"I am Death waking up in a coffin..."

It's me again, here to show anybody that wants to see it my poop of lyrics. However, in the year I've been absent, I've developed my "style" somewhat. So, I'll show you some of my stuff for Vigor Mortis, hopefully to be resurrected later this year.

Older stuff first, this is "The Treachery of Oath":

Fleeting images of extreme violence
accompany ordinary sights;
Forthwith prophecies amongst the mundane
occurences of everyday life

They must be acted upon -
By what manner remains unknown;
Floorboards could accomodate
a necropolis beneath my home

Anon, I seek means by which
to begin and complete my work;
At once I quell the antecedents
and place them below my hearth

The manner by which I conduct myself
at my victims' death bed
varies; I can behave as they wish as long
as they promise to become dead

With one, a frail girl clothed in an unnatural pallor,
I taught her that fairytale fiends
Can exist, to an extent, through the guise of
everyday people such as me

The body count steeps in time,
of which I am solely suspect;
Traitorous victims reveal my secrets and
afford my capture with their stench of death

They wish me not sadness, only solitude,
so that we can better communicate;
I leave my shell behind and ride away
on nightwinds dark and great

And for newer stuff that I developed after overdosing on Sludge and Grind in the past year, this is "Road to Godhood":

I loathe,
therefore I am;
I hate
because I am man

the world was not born
from the loving warmth
of a virgin womb;
it was carved with the
violence of rape and on its
way to a tomb

Poison this cunt
from which all life flows;
set fire to the fields
where the fruit of life grows

i loathe
therefore i am

In this castle,
Above the reeking hordes
of skewered souls displayed
on pikes and on swords,
there is no rest in which to lay

I loathe
therefore I am
God

"And on the seventh day
after my seed did spill
did I resign the Earth
to rest and to heal:
thy ultimate worship
is thy readiness
and willingness
to defile and to kill"

So yeah, lemme know what you guys think of this stuff. Hopefully I'll end up recording something with another dude later this year after I get my final duty station after my MOS school (USMC represent!).

Don't hold your breath, but remain hopeful... and let me know what you think!

And, as usual, Merchant makes me feel like a complete hack.

Hahaha, I've just found my niche and refined my ways to the best of my ability. Here's one I wrote in an e-mail to my biggest inspiration, Lord Worm. This has his approval, as do many of my other writings. This is called "Gentlemaniac".

An encasement akin to plantflesh and
bones with the integrity of glass;
Fragility is implement in this thing
to be tortured; let it never become ash

Damning oblique femininity; with a forceless
hand applied to your waist, it breaks
and brings you to your knees; these, too,
shatter as a result of your disease
Slight winds cause your form to
slowly dissipate; tears well
and dissolve the eyes from which
they spring; each trickles erodes
your entire being

A Gentlemaniac am I, and so
I show myself to be, as I caress
your tender frame with the intent
to cause extreme irreversible pain

For now, I will harbor you
until your times comes; fauna,
you are, and will end as such, too,
sometime in the coming Autumn

I'm not surprised that your stuff is endorsed by Lord Worm himself, Merchant. I would believe you if you told me that those lyrics were, in fact, written by him.

Hahaha, I'm not going to cheat y'all like that. Here's another, I never really properly titled it. It's in my files as "ghost crimes".

An aura resides over a pool
of unravelled human remains;
The obliterated vagrant - an
unfortunate victim left unnamed

Gross misconduct to the newly dead
inspires seekings of revenge on those
who, with clear conscience, peacefully
apply pillows to their heads;
At nocturnal hours, when the
aggressors are at their most vulnerable
state, a grand transcendence is made -
Career criminals found stuffed with blades

"We bled, and so we bleed
into realms where we were
wronged; Indignancy we
implement in ways to torture";
Tomes of the anonymous dead
carved into skin and inked in red

From polar ends, the ignored uninterred
return to enact punishments absurd;
Men found with their epidermis inscribed
with the names of the lives they denied

I might disappear for a while after this one. Depends on how prolific I am between now and May 19th. I've got plenty more, but I don't want to over-saturate the thread with my drek.

In an attempt to increase traffic to this particular thread, I'll post another. This one is a bit more recent. This is "Necroterrace." Or maybe I'll change the title again, it was "Garden of Skulls."

This Un-Eden our happy home
skullpted around
the baby bones
amounting in the millions;
Violet night skies
lend no stark contrast
to somber times
painted vermilion

For here in our cheerful haunt
is Death sole inhabitant;
anything breathing exists nought

Empty orbits gaze
at this garden;
They bear witness
(and as executee)
to this estate
of Ultimatum

Open-air funerary grounds
have no need for
adequate housing;
not even the uncovered
crucified are absolved from
the thorns that wrap about
these vanquished's crowns

... Just like their Messiah,
forever damned to suffer the tattering
of their souls and scalps to the tune
of laughter, kind courtesy of us...

Damnatio memoriae;
Thou shalt not live
in their hearts and minds;
Documents burn and thou
shalt not be recognized
in past, present, or future time;
Remembrance decays still long
beyond their bodies in this
court of the crucified

Feedback is always appreciated!

Here's one lyric I wrote some time ago. It's just basic Lovecraft shit really. I've written plenty that, but I've moved on now. Just can't get past those stupid rhymes, hah. The title is of course a tribute to mighty Manilla Road. I'm thinking of a song along the lines of something from Crystal Logic.

LOST IN NECROPOLIS
Future never seemed so cold;
before me only this desert land
As living prophets foretold,
here now walks a wiser man
A recluse living in a cave,
having those feverish dreams
No one thinks I'm any longer sane,
just a madman out of reach
Used to seek for a forbidden place,
dead book knew it by many names
Yet founding it did end my chase,
the year was one in ancient tales
 
Entrance was buried by sand,
the wind had gotten suddenly warm
On a symbol I placed my hand
and gates they opened like a charm
Finally I found myself wandering
the forgotten streets of the city of death,
where it slept, the world's oldest king,
serpent crown on a tentacle bed
The beast capable of things so vile,
in its palace I was, lost in that maze
A sharp man shaking like a child;
about to learn their foulish ways
 
My screams they revealed me,
like madman I ran back to the gates
The city dwellers came to be
where the undying creature forever lays
From the stars once came their king,
aeons ago built this city of death
I knew I didn't felt the wind
but the creature's molten breath
Worshipped as a god in Egypt,
took several pages in Necronomicon
Later appearing in many a myth,
known even as the biblical dragon
 
For my sanity I got this fear,
it took years to reach these shores
Now I know the books were real,
their legends live forevermore
If I ever meet you and we get to talk,
and the city is what you're looking for,
that road is just for you to walk,
'cause I won't go there anymore
I will stay clear of that place
as of the other things in the dunes
where the wind speaks terrible names
and the sand eternally moves

^ I definitely like the last four lines the best.

My major critique would be that the phrasing itself lacks a certain magic, if you will. There's nothing wrong with the a/b/a/b rhyme scheme, but it's difficult to make it sound natural. A magical tale needs to have something unique and personal about it, since the Necronomicon and Egyptian mythology are somewhat threadbare material. And since I'm about to give you grammatical corrections, it bears mentioning that writing under those rhyme scheme limitations will definitely help you stretch and improve your English vocabulary. Another thing to bear in mind is that it's acceptable to drop a rhyme here and there to keep the whole from getting too strict and stodgy.

"No one thinks I'm any longer sane" .. ? Was that a choice?
" undying creature forever lays " -- *lies
"Yet founding it did end my chase," -- *finding
"I knew I didn't felt the wind " -- *feel

I think the third stanza is the weakest. I guess I just don't like that part of the story, but that's just me. On the whole, it certainly isn't a bad start, but it could use choruses, I think, or at least some kind of three or four line reprises that break up the rhythm.

Okay, thank you for your feedback, and especially those corrections. English is not my first language, so there are bound to be some errors every now and then.

I hear you, man. Keep at it. I know non-native speakers who speak English better than some of my native friends.

I don't mean to be a dick or anything, but those are really some of the worst lyrics I've ever seen. Completely cliché, inane, silly and forced. Really obvious and lame subject matter

@xlxlxl Cool lyrics, like your style

I'm working on some right now, I'll try to finish when the Sens/Pens game is over.

I'm currently writing some lyrics for some melancholic black metal I wrote. Ordering a mic and should be recording something soon if I remain inspired. Anyways:

I kiss the pale cheek

Of my old body's husk

To say goodbye

To the man I once was

I can see the fire

Of all the years past

Scorching away at the dreams

That I've given up

All my hopes

Have gone fleeting

Through otherworldly plains of silence
Like the sun that never rises
As Mephistopheles beckons

I close my eyes

To kiss the damp air

With my bloodied tongue

I'm sick off all the words

That I've been unable to speak

Of all the things

That I've left undone

Of the haunting delusions

That follow me through
 the murk of life
I'll slip away

Like an ever fleeting dream
The sun never rises

^ sick lyrics bro.

I guess I'll post some for my punky black metal noise outfit...

"Sixty"

I saw a bird hit a window
two days ago.
Died on impact.
Neck completely broken.
The dog tried to eat it. I had to push him away.
I picked it up using a plastic bag.
There was blood coming from his neck.
It must've been really painful.
Hope I don't die like that.
Hope I don't die.
I buried it underneath snow and dirt
so the dogs wouldn't find him.
Don't think they should tear him apart.

"Gash"

Dried snow globes and empty bottles.
Green, brown, clear.
Small brass contraptions,
tepid sunlight, old machines.
Frightening masks.
Bits of wire and tubing.
A pair of horse blinders.
A small spike held in between two leather straps.
Green stains on metallic surfaces.

A gun.

Cardboard.
Bright sky peering through the facets.
Oval shaped rope hanging from the ceiling.
What a strange sight.
Little leather boxes studded with
nails and shut with rusted padlocks.
Tiny bronze horses, tiny silver humans doing sexual acts.

Who lived here?

So it's a blackened punk song with sort of, kind of nihilistic/hopeless/miserable lyrics, I assume? That sounds very interesting, ain't going to lie.