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SleightOfVickonomy
Metal newbie

Joined: Thu Feb 10, 2011 4:26 pm
Posts: 330
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue Sep 06, 2011 5:27 pm 
 

Sludge/Stoner song I wrote three weeks back. Took a lot of deliberation. Gonna douse it with some heavy riffing. What do y'all think?

All That I've Become

Your disbelief will death my creed
I bring healing which you seem to seek
Yet you hide all the fears we shared
Under the folds of your crooked well dressed empire
Share my lightning can't you see?
Darkness hides the mess
And all that I've become.

Who dares to paint this savage day
All the lines and hoops are cast away
The day a perfect blank under my skin
You're all I give until I'm weak
Yet to me you hide and lie still
Partake of my lightning can't you see?
Darkness shapes the mess
And all that I've become.

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Christopher_Night
Metal newbie

Joined: Tue Feb 15, 2011 5:27 am
Posts: 60
PostPosted: Tue Sep 06, 2011 7:28 pm 
 

It's got some rough patches, like "Your disbelief will death my creed", but the lines
"Who dares to paint this savage day
All the lines and hoops are cast away"
sound beautifully poetic to me, so good work!
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ClaymanOnFire
Metalhead

Joined: Sat Mar 12, 2011 8:13 pm
Posts: 465
Location: Nice try, Big Brother
PostPosted: Thu Sep 08, 2011 3:22 pm 
 

Here's a three-piece thing I wrote, I'm not sure about the division yet but here it is:

The Ancient Port Pt. I: Chasm

broken mast atop a shattered hull
there are many, sitting on the edge of the world
my still body drifts through
we all missed an ancient port

bones float up, blood sinks down
no storm has moved this ocean
no hand has touched these waters
cloudless, skyless
stars with eyes stare upon our drowning souls

we sit on the edge of the world
one push is all we need
one ripple will push us over
a child's touch could end us all

looking over is nothing
purest, deepest oblivion
emptiness that sucks you out of yourself

we're going to die
a ray in the distance
the fall has begun
something is calling us
the cold is creeping over my face
but the sun makes me recognize this place

to my left is that chasm, where happiness is short
but to my right is a lost city, that ancient port

it's stone architecture, built as if for pure art
steps leading up to this citadel are wet
covered in all things of this watery expanse
salty winds blow across the twisting streets
a crowd gathers, I've never met them
but they couldn't be farther from strangers

The Ancient Port Pt. II: Voices

a strong current pulling away...
but swimming has never been easier
I barely need to fight, and I reach these peoples arms
I look around, my friends have made it!

but a single, anguished cry pierces the night
it hits me, there are others
they didn't come with us, why are they here?

I look into their panicked eyes
and their minds echo into mine

"we followed you, were hidden among you
we had knives, we had sacks
came to burn, steal and rape,
to destroy everything we lack"

they're about to plummet to Hell
I know they couldn't have lived among us
but now they will spend their time in fire
they knew, but still embraced teachings of dust

but here drifts some discordant notes
under a watching moon

"what have I done?
you were always there for me"

one by one, all join in
some whispering, some screaming
all with tears, all weeping
faces full of grief and fear

The Ancient Port Pt. III: Illumination

here they die, without any comfort
they know this is their final end…
my eyes fill with tears, nothing can help them now
we don't even know their names

as I'm surveying this scene, a child pushes his way forward
and he points at words written in the heavens

"he who asks will be forgiven"

this is echoed among us all
the living and the dying
and the night is suddenly so alive!

every soul realizes and rejoices
pleas go up and the skies fall down
a star for each descends
onto our faces, onto their faces
we are all shining!

all are equal, all are saved
the moon comes down and we go up
we all found the ancient port

I realize this is not my journey's final stage
this is a gateway, I will be discovering until the end of the age

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dival
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Wed Feb 23, 2011 2:22 pm
Posts: 4
PostPosted: Tue Oct 04, 2011 9:59 am 
 

my first lyrics, tried to make something style opeth. please comment:

I am the watcher you will never see,
Too busy killing each other.
If you pay attention I am always there,
Sitting on that bench or leaning on a tree.

I could have laugh at your stupidity,
You can do nothing right.
But you seem so happy
While I am imprisoned in my own mind.

Ignoring my burning eyes
As I watch this dying world.
Soon all coal will become ash.
Welcome smoke to cover us.

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flykawaii
Metal newbie

Joined: Sun Oct 09, 2011 2:17 am
Posts: 50
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue Oct 11, 2011 1:43 am 
 

Begin the fall...the tide that beckons
When one is lost in the caverns of totality
When angels have stopped searching
For these dark hearts of yours
Blacken the crust of your sweaty pores
Every thought begins to beckon more
Waves of depression...(oceans of invaluable darkness)
submit to the lunatic...(cities, blank staring heavens)
Miracles have become something darker
They have become dreams of dead kings
Demi-gods of light smothering your freedom
Like chemical puddles melding together into acid
So do the thoughts of sheep begin to corrode their individuality
To give praise
To end my days
Cannot seem to find me again
Where do I need to dwell these days?
Away from the smiles? The laughter?
Beyond the steeple made of stone and mortar?
Beyond the steeple made of flesh and blood?
Tell me again why you stay there
Why you can't break those pearly chains
You just need to think of our time together...
_________________
"I've found a way through the Ocean Machines
When it is time, we will know what it means
Life finds a way and that always will be...
When it is time we will see what we'll see...
I guarantee."

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flykawaii
Metal newbie

Joined: Sun Oct 09, 2011 2:17 am
Posts: 50
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue Oct 11, 2011 1:45 am 
 

Simple...our souls
Faced with doubts
Future's bleak...count the ghosts
My streets of spirits, so desolate these days
Or maybe my soul has lost it's color
Im still trying to find the lamp posts
They usually guide my love
Where the hell have you gone.....??
WHERE IN THE FUCK HAVE I GONE?
Your eyes were the doorway to my soul...
Blue like the ocean of a better dream than this
Blue eyes...
(waves and waves)

My body...our soul
Im trying so hard sometimes
Trying so hard...so futile
The maiden spoke of frozen lives
Caught amongst the hustling waves of desire

Blue eyes...
Your blue eyes...
How the light shines on them -
Makes it hard to think of ways to seek you out
How to approach that forbidden smile

Sometimes I wonder how -
How to make it seem so wonderful
My mouth tries to speak words that make sense
Maybe Ill sit on that park bench alone
Think of ways to seek you out
Seek you right out of reach...
Out of reach...
Out of reach blue eyes...

BE GONE THEN!
Be away....stay away
Be the one that will stay away
Forever...

Maybe I cant stay here then
Forever...

Blue...
Waves....
Blue eyes...
So wave....
GOODBYE
_________________
"I've found a way through the Ocean Machines
When it is time, we will know what it means
Life finds a way and that always will be...
When it is time we will see what we'll see...
I guarantee."

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flykawaii
Metal newbie

Joined: Sun Oct 09, 2011 2:17 am
Posts: 50
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue Oct 11, 2011 4:20 pm 
 

I was listening to Gojira's album "From Mars to Sirius" and thought of this hippy song haha....good times.

Title: Children of Dirt

The beginning was so bright
Living amongst ourselves
Full of planetary worship
The whales of the stars
Swimming through oceans of blackened space

I now wander aimlessly
Watching the planets shift their presence
Watch for me
watch for me, children of dirt
I belong here amongst the stars
Reaching out to touch their kindness
Vibrant blues of watchful eyes
How their light shudders a blink or two
I reach out to touch their blindness
My speech withers as I touch god's face
This creature of light shows me how to stay alive here
Their design so fluid...

Whooooaaaa......

I....AM....!!
Sent flying with these whales
We search this barren space
Infinite, oh so infinite
The seeds of life are swimming amongst us
Its never barren, amongst these moons
We gather stars to show the children of dirt
They hide away, scared of what we might find here
We touch the shoreline of mars
Dip my fingers in the cold warmth given by the sun
My breath dwindles, shuddering from the heat

Now we've made it...
Now we've done it again...

Move the planets for us, please oh gods, move them
Move them closer so that we may not wither still
The framework of your dying creation
Sends a voice of thundering asteroids
Move the mountains of space to start another shift
We have been slumbering while our earth dies
We've realized what we have done...salty tears in our eyes
We repent, sweet lord of vast blackholes
Send your shooting stars to fill the void of burning forests
Let us whisper your supremacy while you save our ocean depths

Ohhhhh.....
Ohhhhh.....

We, the children of dirt have gone too far
We have not looked at our stars
We have gone too far
These children of dirt are no more...
_________________
"I've found a way through the Ocean Machines
When it is time, we will know what it means
Life finds a way and that always will be...
When it is time we will see what we'll see...
I guarantee."

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flykawaii
Metal newbie

Joined: Sun Oct 09, 2011 2:17 am
Posts: 50
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue Oct 11, 2011 4:21 pm 
 

...aand another one cuz Im bored at work....

Title: Was it you?

Was it you...?
Was it you...?

Was that you dying in the corner?
We know that you're alone now
We saw where you are...
Your dreams were shining so bright then
You're so alone...been alone for some time

Was it me...?
Was it me...?
Trying to steal your heart again?
Make you smile through the darkening cold
Your heart so bright and so bold
So beautiful...so kind

Was it you dying in the corner?
Was it you trying to remember?
Your heart awoke without a sign
Was it me saying that we're fine?

Why can't we all just be still a moment?
Feeling the clouds, feet planted in cement
Do we all just need to breath a moment?
Smiling with the vibes, the ones being sent

Don't die in that corner, young one
We still have chances for happiness
I saw the intention, we shall not shun
I don't like it here either, we can just run

Stifling silence...
Was it you...?
Was it you...?
_________________
"I've found a way through the Ocean Machines
When it is time, we will know what it means
Life finds a way and that always will be...
When it is time we will see what we'll see...
I guarantee."

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flykawaii
Metal newbie

Joined: Sun Oct 09, 2011 2:17 am
Posts: 50
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue Oct 11, 2011 4:35 pm 
 

...aaand one more for the fuck of it....(im super bored)



Pt.1 "This is the last will and testament to my sanity..."
Standing along that riverbank of emptiness
Staring into my reflection of failures
This reflection looks like a storm of disgust
My eyes are cold, an empty soul, hidden beneath an empty smile
My chances gone, crushed under that crippling, enormous waterfall
Failed relationships, no healthy human contact
Signaling the fade, can I slip away from reality intact?
Im dropping anchor so that only my soul will drown
No one will see me again, no one will make a sound
Sacrificing the one thing I love will never happen
Sacrificing the one that I love will happen again
Looking into the clear, cool darkness...stillness of death
The forboding waves of depression that envelope my soul
I see what has happened, and what shall be
Im leaving this riverbank with my mind free
Lonliness, oh, lonliness
Come with me again
Ill greet you at the door
As Ive done a million
A million times before
Heartache, oh, heartache
Ill greet you at her door
Giving up the ones I love
Giving up the one I adore
Pt.2:"...and to all those that read this, go about your life with these words..."
Silence is best kept to yourself, inside of your steeples
Dont say anything that will regret itself later
Never let faith be truant before self righteousness
The clouds of misjudgement plague the "elite"
For Christ teaches us to give into persuers
Give in to the lions trying to maul your tattered spirits
Let down your guard, be crucified before the night is over
Let down your hopes, your spirit shall ascend into nothingness
The grass is not green where the sheep pasture
Just glistening with blood and bible verses of rapture
Doubt is what keeps us alive these days and yore
You think there's an "after" so you cant wait to die in the "before"
SUICIDE! GENOCIDE! FORGOTTEN BEFORE BEGOTTEN! (i think this was used by a band before...?)
Incredible brain washing done by a Holy Ghost
Figments of imaginitave children of the desert highlands
Burn another bush, oh Lord, then burn another scripture
Burn down your steeples so that wars may end
Before they reach our children again and again!
Critical failure
Rupturing rapture
Criminals of crosses
Critical losses
Critical failures
Radical raptures
Gates of gold
This story is much too old...
Pt.3 "...and be kind to fellow true followers...we are a chosen few."
As metal as our swords unsheathed
One death after another
Vanquishing the cancer we breathed
Call on each other
We stand, united in a world gone mad
Music is our life and death
The rest just fall away, not breathing, sad
For, we follow the true path
The enlightenment from that LP needle scratch
Knowing our fellow soldiers by their back patch
Unify ourselves, wanting to destroy the weak
The sheep without individuality, are the ones we seek

Haha! I don't know exactly what that last part was conveying but good times!!
_________________
"I've found a way through the Ocean Machines
When it is time, we will know what it means
Life finds a way and that always will be...
When it is time we will see what we'll see...
I guarantee."

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Maggot_Molestation
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Fri May 21, 2010 7:30 pm
Posts: 6
PostPosted: Tue Oct 11, 2011 4:37 pm 
 

My song I wrote call Maggot Molestation.

I was bored with my sexual activity,
So I moved to the big city
I saw maggots eating a dead dogs dick
I thought it would be good in my prick.
I found a girl, I asked her would she suck
She replied "No, tough fuck"
I took her regardless
Her cunt was flawless,
It seemed a shame
But everything to me is game.
I took out the squirming spawn
And from my pants my dick is drawn.
I rammed more
Into my little whore,
I could feel the maggots squirm,
Her cunt was so fucking firm
I felt them under my foreskin,
They wriggled further in.
The maggots nibbled my dick
The girl chocked on her sick,
This made me explode,
I, blew, my, LOAD!!!
Into her gob,
I left the maggots to finish their JOB!!!!!

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MalignantThrone
Vanished in the Cosmic Futility

Joined: Tue May 31, 2011 1:24 am
Posts: 2785
Location: A step closer to home
PostPosted: Sat Oct 15, 2011 2:32 am 
 

Maggot_Molestation wrote:
My song I wrote call Maggot Molestation.

I was bored with my sexual activity,
So I moved to the big city
I saw maggots eating a dead dogs dick
I thought it would be good in my prick.
I found a girl, I asked her would she suck
She replied "No, tough fuck"
I took her regardless
Her cunt was flawless,
It seemed a shame
But everything to me is game.
I took out the squirming spawn
And from my pants my dick is drawn.
I rammed more
Into my little whore,
I could feel the maggots squirm,
Her cunt was so fucking firm
I felt them under my foreskin,
They wriggled further in.
The maggots nibbled my dick
The girl chocked on her sick,
This made me explode,
I, blew, my, LOAD!!!
Into her gob,
I left the maggots to finish their JOB!!!!!

...This would only work if you were a very stupid pornogrind band like Rompeprop, or an equally stupid NY death/grind band. Otherwise people would just laugh at you.
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TheHeresySleep
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Sun Jul 24, 2011 1:31 pm
Posts: 20
Location: Portugal
PostPosted: Fri Oct 21, 2011 7:16 am 
 

MalignantThrone wrote:
Maggot_Molestation wrote:
My song I wrote call Maggot Molestation.

I was bored with my sexual activity,
So I moved to the big city
I saw maggots eating a dead dogs dick
I thought it would be good in my prick.
I found a girl, I asked her would she suck
She replied "No, tough fuck"
I took her regardless
Her cunt was flawless,
It seemed a shame
But everything to me is game.
I took out the squirming spawn
And from my pants my dick is drawn.
I rammed more
Into my little whore,
I could feel the maggots squirm,
Her cunt was so fucking firm
I felt them under my foreskin,
They wriggled further in.
The maggots nibbled my dick
The girl chocked on her sick,
This made me explode,
I, blew, my, LOAD!!!
Into her gob,
I left the maggots to finish their JOB!!!!!

...This would only work if you were a very stupid pornogrind band like Rompeprop, or an equally stupid NY death/grind band. Otherwise people would just laugh at you.


i laughed..

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Thrasher4life
Metalhead

Joined: Thu Jul 23, 2009 8:20 am
Posts: 592
Location: United Kingdom
PostPosted: Mon Nov 07, 2011 2:14 pm 
 

This baby is entitled "Metallic Assault". First bit of new lyrical work I've done for a while and I was supprised how nice it turned out. Few bits that'll be fine tuned over the coming weeks when I have time but so far its not too bad...is it? As normal brackets denote gang shouts.

Metallic Assault

Ahahahahaha!!! Turn it up!

Raised on Venom, metal black
Warfare and fucking tank attack
Priest at the altar, Maiden in bed
It’s time to bang your Motorhead

Bathory and hellhammer, leading the way
A Celtic Frost you’ll feel this day
Slayed by the Wehrmacht, Angel of death
Jump in the fire, breathe Motorbreath

(Metallic assault!)
Slays you this day!
(Metallic Assault!)
The old school we play!
(Metallic Assault!)
Sworn to the riff!
(Metallic Assault!)
True metal way!

Baptised in vomit, speed and blood,
Trampling posers underfoot
Tectonic steel, that is our way
Unchain the fucking wolves today

Onslaught of Hades, Power from hell
At Midnight ring the Funeral bell
Summon the Beast, Unleash the Norse
A grim reaper upon his horse

(Metallic Assault!)
Slays you this day!
(Metallic Assault!)
The old school we play!
(Metallic Assault!)
Sworn to the riff!
(Metallic Assault!)
True metal way!

A violent revolution, the pleasure to kill
Antichrist rising, murder we will
Evil Army, spectre of death
Selling your soul to inherit the earth

A Gospel unspoken, of war and of horns
Dethroning the false, imposter lord
Usurpers and tyrants, the werewolf’s return
The Full metal maelstrom, Deathwish to all

(Metallic Assault!)
Slays you this day!
(Metallic Assault!)
The old school we play!
(Metallic Assault!)
Sworn to the riff!
(Metallic Assault!)
True metal way!

Metallic Assault! (x3)
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EnemyofLight
Metalhead

Joined: Sat Jul 10, 2010 11:12 pm
Posts: 1194
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue Nov 08, 2011 9:30 am 
 

^ I really liked those, great metal tribute type song. Obviously thrash lyrics, but your name gives that away.
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gotiis666
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Thu Oct 13, 2011 4:17 pm
Posts: 3
Location: United States
PostPosted: Thu Nov 10, 2011 4:09 am 
 

haha. good luck to you all. dont mind me if along the way, i pass you up on the road to total self-gratification with ones own creations. nevermind, u wont recognize me.

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bassistneededlolnot
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Jan 12, 2010 7:08 pm
Posts: 650
PostPosted: Thu Nov 10, 2011 2:43 pm 
 

BLESSED WITH GENOCIDE

VERSE:
They are the ones who await deliverance
Cemented brains of love and forgiveness
Never will they think to justify violence
Rather spend eternity as patrons of tyrants

Granting their god rights to Sin's extinction
The fools cannnot see there is no distinction
Between good and evil in a world not black and white
Trigger-point sympathy, freedom has died

CHORUS:
Father of Lies
Reaper in disguise
Praise the Lord for coming utopia
Thank God for genocide

VERSE:
They inspire sick fantasies by proving obedient
World leaders shake hands and come to agreement
Simulate events to meet their expectations
Your prophets never mentioned contract violations

Your Lord incarnated as corrupt alliance
Using scapegoats they tempt you to punishable offense
Game is rigged to make sure you fail
God slits your throat yet he's still hailed

CHORUS:
Father of Lies
Reaper in disguise
Praise the Lord for coming utopia
Thank God for genocide

VERSE:
Population of slaves wait for their Master
Insisting His innocence and denying His laughter
Praying for the death of those He led astray
Prayers finally answered- eternal debt to repay

Human race begging for worldwide peace
In stagnating pool of clashing ideologies
Ambitious dreams will never find acceleration
Until consensus is reached through strategic annihilation

CHORUS:
Father of Lies
Reaper in disguise
Praise the Lord for coming utopia
Thank God for genocide

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Ilwhyan
Metel fraek

Joined: Sat Sep 29, 2007 1:41 pm
Posts: 6558
Location: Finland
PostPosted: Mon Nov 14, 2011 8:23 am 
 

bassistneededlolnot, when I read that I couldn't help imagining Zack de la Rocha singing that. :lol:

It's competent, but I prefer a subtle approach as opposed to blatant, in yoru face preachiness. That might work in thrash metal or punk. The chorus isn't very good, however.
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Illusions Dead - death/black metal

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Thrasher4life
Metalhead

Joined: Thu Jul 23, 2009 8:20 am
Posts: 592
Location: United Kingdom
PostPosted: Thu Nov 17, 2011 3:20 pm 
 

Ilwhyan wrote:
The chorus isn't very good, however.


I disagree. I thinks its a very good half of a chorus. I sung it though a couple of times and it feels like something else should come after.

The rest of the song is pretty sweet though.
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Desperta_Ferro wrote:
Not gods - Englishmen. The next best thing.

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Syntek
Metalhead

Joined: Mon Sep 13, 2010 1:14 pm
Posts: 620
Location: United Kingdom
PostPosted: Sat Nov 19, 2011 9:23 pm 
 

Heh, might as well contribute:

(Untitled)

Beneath the motives of what we are lead to believe, is abhorrent deceit concealed to prevent masses from awakening; ploys to exploit for corporate gluttony. 
Cerebral slavery so those of cognisance will wilt in the weight of noetic fear.
All hope has been smothered by the urge to castrate beauty; hordes of vacuous drones suffer in synchronisation. Chemicals bind the sight that blinds.

XY - You are brutes, eager to drown out all intellect and reason in blood.
XX - You are whores, riddled with the need to ascend to the throne of reverence.

The truth, in all it's veiled disarray,
Is in front of your eyes. 
Do not let it out of your gaze.
Do not intromit blind dismay.

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Ilwhyan
Metel fraek

Joined: Sat Sep 29, 2007 1:41 pm
Posts: 6558
Location: Finland
PostPosted: Sun Nov 20, 2011 8:01 am 
 

Thrasher4life wrote:
Ilwhyan wrote:
The chorus isn't very good, however.


I disagree. I thinks its a very good half of a chorus. I sung it though a couple of times and it feels like something else should come after.

The rest of the song is pretty sweet though.

This is a shitty line:

Praise the Lord for coming utopia
Thank God for genocide
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"Behold, wizard, for the last time how the sun looks, for henceforth you will watch it with empty sockets!"
Illusions Dead - death/black metal

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Thrasher4life
Metalhead

Joined: Thu Jul 23, 2009 8:20 am
Posts: 592
Location: United Kingdom
PostPosted: Mon Nov 21, 2011 2:31 pm 
 

Ilwhyan wrote:
Thrasher4life wrote:
I disagree. I thinks its a very good half of a chorus. I sung it though a couple of times and it feels like something else should come after.

The rest of the song is pretty sweet though.

This is a shitty line:

Praise the Lord for coming utopia
Thank God for genocide

I'd improve the first line but I really like the "Thank God for genocide" line.
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Desperta_Ferro wrote:
Not gods - Englishmen. The next best thing.

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xpsychoblissx
Metal newbie

Joined: Sat Dec 20, 2008 11:18 am
Posts: 294
Location: Phoenix, AZ
PostPosted: Mon Nov 21, 2011 8:32 pm 
 

Hey, here's some lyrics I have for a song... Parts of it are female vocals. Whaddaya think?

Lurking, a suspicion, that you're not who you may seem
Disquising you feelings, you're preparing to decieve
Waiting for the moment that your actions will go unseen

No one will trust you, anymore
Your second chance is gone
No one will trust you, anymore
The damage has been done

How many times is it now, have you failed everyone?
Over and over and over you lie to us all

How do you live on as this poisonous wretch?
Living as if everyone owes you a debt
Your sanity deteriates, now you fall to your knees
If I beheld the power of judgement
I'd leave your body to the fleas

Your treachery will haunt you for the rest of your years
Alone and loveless, just you and your fears
Hear me now and hear me clear,
You've begun to live your coldest years!

The coldest years will bring the end for you
Like the wilting of a rose your soul has turned to black
Forbidden secrets have unveiled themselves
I can't forgive how you betrayed your word

(You can live on like nothing ever happened...You can
walk away with nothing more than a memory)

But if the world has different plans for you
Then I'm saddened that your fate wasn't by my hand
Your suffering is certain, it's the writing on the wall
Into the depths of hell you go, you reap what you sew

Covered by the blood of the demons that you've spawned
Taste the darkest red, you're in your coldest years
All of those you knew, left you in their past
In a dismal trail of tears, you live your coldest years
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http://www.facebook.com/SeveredReceptors
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bassistneededlolnot
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Jan 12, 2010 7:08 pm
Posts: 650
PostPosted: Thu Nov 24, 2011 5:26 pm 
 

Thrasher4life wrote:
Ilwhyan wrote:
I'd improve the first line but I really like the "Thank God for genocide" line.

Yeah, I kinda rushed through these lyrics. I just wanted to run my initial draft through you guys before investing the time in revising it. I didn't want to bother tweaking it if it was helpless shit to begin with.

I pretty much just wanted to spit some thrash lyrics out to get my point across. I usually end up watering down my lyrics when I try too hard to come up with clever metaphors/symbolism, so this time I experimented with just keeping it to-the-point to make sure there's genuine passion in it.

So yeah, these are pretty mediocre lines but that's generally accepted in thrash, right? :P

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Ilwhyan
Metel fraek

Joined: Sat Sep 29, 2007 1:41 pm
Posts: 6558
Location: Finland
PostPosted: Fri Nov 25, 2011 6:31 am 
 

I suppose. Personally I appreciate non-direct, metaphor-heavy delivery, even to the point of ridiculously cryptic symbolism (as long as its not utterly stupid). Thrash has little use for sublety though, right?
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Merian
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Wed Dec 21, 2011 1:43 am
Posts: 22
Location: Philippines
PostPosted: Thu Dec 22, 2011 12:24 am 
 

Hardcore lyrics to be sure.

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Xlxlx
Metal freak

Joined: Sat Dec 24, 2011 2:16 pm
Posts: 5621
Location: Argentina
PostPosted: Tue Dec 27, 2011 1:29 pm 
 

This is my personal favorite piece of lyrics, and I would like to get some feedback on them (obviously).

The Early Withering of a Flower

The young Orchid's time has come
For Summer is no longer it's shelter
And Autumn is just around the corner
Waiting... Lurking... Desiring...

Autumn's devoid of empathy
It's guided only by bitternes and selfishness
And in the Orchid sees nothing
But a way to quench it's thirst for beauty

As such, Autumn's cold, harsh claws reach out
For the Orchid's skin, stripping her of her purity
She doesn't scream nor beggs Autumn to stop
As she does not understand the situation
But indeed knows that something's wrong

Now, the Orchid is nothing save for
A shell of her former self
With no will to live, to breathe, or to keep growing
She'll just remain there, now crumbling and withered
As time passes by, a silent witness of Autumn's crime

And Autumn? It'll just look for other flowers to consume
Chrysanthemums, probably, or maybe even Daisies
Just anything that can help it with it's never ending
Hunger for innocence...


The only criticism I have is that the meaning seems a little too obvious. What do you guys think? Is it very easy to decipher? Because that's what kinda bothers me. And as for what music would be good to acompany this... Well, I think that it would go hand in hand with some classy yet morbid Doom Metal. Think early My Dying Bride, but with a bigger "creepiness" factor. Thoughts?
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Last edited by Xlxlx on Tue Dec 27, 2011 10:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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CapricornSupernaut
Metal newbie

Joined: Sun Aug 07, 2011 2:38 pm
Posts: 392
Location: United Kingdom
PostPosted: Tue Dec 27, 2011 1:47 pm 
 

Xlxlx wrote:
This is my personal favorite piece of lyrics, and I would like to get some feedback on them (obviously).

The Early Withering of a Flower

The young Orchid's time has come
For Summer is no longer it's shelter
And Autumn is just around the corner
Waiting... Lurking... Desiring...

Autumn's devoid of empathy
It's guided only by bitternes and selfishness
And in the Orchid sees nothing
But a way to quench it's thirst for beauty

As such, Autumn's cold, harsh claws reach out
For the Orchid's skin, stripping her of her purity
She doesn't scream nor beggs Autumn to stop
As she does not understand the situation
But indeed knows that something's wrong

Now, the Orchid is nothing save for
A shell of her former self
With no will to live, to breathe, or to keep growing
She'll just remain there, now crumbling and withered
As time passes by, a silent witness of Autumn's crime

And Autumn? It'll just look for other flowers to consume
Chrysanthemums, probably, or maybe even Daisys
Just anything that can help it with it's never ending
Hunger for innocence...


The only criticism I have is that the meaning seems a little too obvious. What do you guys think? Is it very easy to decipher? Because that's what kinda bothers me. And as for what music would be good to acompany this... Well, I think that it would go hand in hand with some classy yet morbid Doom Metal. Think early My Dying Bride, but with a bigger "creepiness" factor. Thoughts?

It would definitely work as a spoken piece, with My Dying Bride-style music in the background; singing might make this sound cheesy.

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Xlxlx
Metal freak

Joined: Sat Dec 24, 2011 2:16 pm
Posts: 5621
Location: Argentina
PostPosted: Tue Dec 27, 2011 2:07 pm 
 

CapricornSupernaut wrote:
Xlxlx wrote:
(...)

It would definitely work as a spoken piece, with My Dying Bride-style music in the background; singing might make this sound cheesy.

Merci, monsieur for the feedback :)
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MsSvartmetall
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Thu Dec 22, 2011 1:11 pm
Posts: 24
Location: Norway
PostPosted: Tue Dec 27, 2011 5:07 pm 
 

Xlxlx wrote:
This is my personal favorite piece of lyrics, and I would like to get some feedback on them (obviously).

The Early Withering of a Flower

The young Orchid's time has come
For Summer is no longer it's shelter
And Autumn is just around the corner
Waiting... Lurking... Desiring...

Autumn's devoid of empathy
It's guided only by bitternes and selfishness
And in the Orchid sees nothing
But a way to quench it's thirst for beauty

As such, Autumn's cold, harsh claws reach out
For the Orchid's skin, stripping her of her purity
She doesn't scream nor beggs Autumn to stop
As she does not understand the situation
But indeed knows that something's wrong

Now, the Orchid is nothing save for
A shell of her former self
With no will to live, to breathe, or to keep growing
She'll just remain there, now crumbling and withered
As time passes by, a silent witness of Autumn's crime

And Autumn? It'll just look for other flowers to consume
Chrysanthemums, probably, or maybe even Daisys
Just anything that can help it with it's never ending
Hunger for innocence...


The only criticism I have is that the meaning seems a little too obvious. What do you guys think? Is it very easy to decipher? Because that's what kinda bothers me. And as for what music would be good to acompany this... Well, I think that it would go hand in hand with some classy yet morbid Doom Metal. Think early My Dying Bride, but with a bigger "creepiness" factor. Thoughts?


I think it is great! It's sort of cold and dark, and when I read it I can imagine a world that is green and beautiful, but is taken over by darkness and all the beautiful flowers dies. It's not too hard to understand and not to easy either, I think it's many different ways to read it. :)

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IntoNevermore
Metalhead

Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2010 11:31 pm
Posts: 984
Location: Venezuela
PostPosted: Tue Dec 27, 2011 6:03 pm 
 

Xlxlx:

I can definitely imagine this as a My Dying Bride piece of music, I personally would like to mix it with a cold black metal atmosphere, but thats just me. :-P

Good job, sir. :thumbsup:
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Xlxlx
Metal freak

Joined: Sat Dec 24, 2011 2:16 pm
Posts: 5621
Location: Argentina
PostPosted: Tue Dec 27, 2011 6:32 pm 
 

MsSvartmetall about my lyrics wrote:
I think it is great! It's sort of cold and dark, and when I read it I can imagine a world that is green and beautiful, but is taken over by darkness and all the beautiful flowers dies. It's not too hard to understand and not to easy either, I think it's many different ways to read it. :)

IntoNevermore also about my lyrics wrote:
Xlxlx:

I can definitely imagine this as a My Dying Bride piece of music, I personally would like to mix it with a cold black metal atmosphere, but thats just me. :-P

Good job, sir. :thumbsup:

Thanks a lot for your kind words, the both of you. But there's a little thing I want to say to you, MsSvartmetall; the message you took from the lyrics it's not the one I was trying to get across. But it doesn't matter, because saying that there are many different ways to read my lyrics is something I consider a huge compliment, due to the fact that, usually, only the best lyricists like Dio (R.I.P.) or Dax Riggs are the ones capable of such thing, and I really admire those musicians for that (and a number of other reasons, obviously). Again; thanks a lot.
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Fun fact: if you put a baby on a vegan diet, it dies. Vegans are babykillers.

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MsSvartmetall
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Thu Dec 22, 2011 1:11 pm
Posts: 24
Location: Norway
PostPosted: Tue Dec 27, 2011 6:36 pm 
 

Xlxlx wrote:
Thanks a lot for your kind words, the both of you. But there's a little thing I want to say to you, MsSvartmetall; the message you took from the lyrics it's not the one I was trying to get across. But it doesn't matter, because saying that there are many different ways to read my lyrics is something I consider a huge compliment, due to the fact that, usually, only the best lyricists like Dio (R.I.P.) or Dax Riggs are the ones capable of such thing, and I really admire those musicians for that (and a number of other reasons, obviously). Again; thanks a lot.


Yeah, it was sort of a way to show how I think when I read the lyrics, and how it may be understood in a different way by other people :P

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Xlxlx
Metal freak

Joined: Sat Dec 24, 2011 2:16 pm
Posts: 5621
Location: Argentina
PostPosted: Tue Dec 27, 2011 6:43 pm 
 

MsSvartmetall wrote:
Xlxlx wrote:
Thanks a lot for your kind words, the both of you. But there's a little thing I want to say to you, MsSvartmetall; the message you took from the lyrics it's not the one I was trying to get across. But it doesn't matter, because saying that there are many different ways to read my lyrics is something I consider a huge compliment, due to the fact that, usually, only the best lyricists like Dio (R.I.P.) or Dax Riggs are the ones capable of such thing, and I really admire those musicians for that (and a number of other reasons, obviously). Again; thanks a lot.


Yeah, it was sort of a way to show how I think when I read the lyrics, and how it may be understood in a different way by other people :P

And I'm really grateful for that. You made my day.

Edit: Also, I added you as a friend. Hope you don't mind :-P
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Earthcubed wrote:
Fun fact: if you put a baby on a vegan diet, it dies. Vegans are babykillers.

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MsSvartmetall
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Thu Dec 22, 2011 1:11 pm
Posts: 24
Location: Norway
PostPosted: Tue Dec 27, 2011 6:57 pm 
 

Xlxlx wrote:
MsSvartmetall wrote:
Yeah, it was sort of a way to show how I think when I read the lyrics, and how it may be understood in a different way by other people :P

And I'm really grateful for that. You made my day.
Edit: Also, I added you as a friend. Hope you don't mind :-P


I'm glad to here so. No, I don't mind at all :)

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Xlxlx
Metal freak

Joined: Sat Dec 24, 2011 2:16 pm
Posts: 5621
Location: Argentina
PostPosted: Tue Dec 27, 2011 7:16 pm 
 

MsSvartmetall wrote:
Me about MsSvartmetall previous comment wrote:
And I'm really grateful for that. You made my day.
Edit: Also, I added you as a friend. Hope you don't mind :-P


I'm glad to here so. No, I don't mind at all :)

:thumbsup:
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Earthcubed wrote:
Fun fact: if you put a baby on a vegan diet, it dies. Vegans are babykillers.

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IntoNevermore
Metalhead

Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2010 11:31 pm
Posts: 984
Location: Venezuela
PostPosted: Tue Dec 27, 2011 7:36 pm 
 

Xlxlx wrote:
What do you guys think? Is it very easy to decipher? Because that's what kinda bothers me.


MsSvartmetall wrote:
I think it is great! It's sort of cold and dark, and when I read it I can imagine a world that is green and beautiful, but is taken over by darkness and all the beautiful flowers dies


Xlxlx wrote:
The message you took from the lyrics it's not the one I was trying to get across.


Now you know is not that easy to decipher :-P
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Xlxlx
Metal freak

Joined: Sat Dec 24, 2011 2:16 pm
Posts: 5621
Location: Argentina
PostPosted: Tue Dec 27, 2011 7:51 pm 
 

IntoNevermore wrote:
Xlxlx wrote:
What do you guys think? Is it very easy to decipher? Because that's what kinda bothers me.


MsSvartmetall wrote:
I think it is great! It's sort of cold and dark, and when I read it I can imagine a world that is green and beautiful, but is taken over by darkness and all the beautiful flowers dies


Xlxlx wrote:
The message you took from the lyrics it's not the one I was trying to get across.


Now you know is not that easy to decipher :-P

Yes, I'm very glad about that :-D
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Earthcubed wrote:
Fun fact: if you put a baby on a vegan diet, it dies. Vegans are babykillers.

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PhilosophicalFrog
The Hypercube

Joined: Thu May 04, 2006 7:08 pm
Posts: 6072
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue Dec 27, 2011 8:32 pm 
 

Your lyrics are interesting, I'm not a huge fan of how detailed they are and I feel as if you could do a lot more with a lot less.

Take this:

And Autumn? It'll just look for other flowers to consume
Chrysanthemums, probably, or maybe even Daisys
Just anything that can help it with it's never ending
Hunger for innocence...

I feel could be read much more emotionally a little shorter

"Autumn...will consume
Chrysanthemums, daisies
A never ending hunger
for innocence"

But this is a HUGE stylistic thing, and it depends on your vocal choice. If you go the traditional clean route keep what you have. However, if you are going for a death/doom vibe, it should be shorter, more concise, something more ominous. But then again, this is how I write lyrics, so it's a personal thing.

for example, one of my Siler Hatchery songs is about six minutes and the lyrics are just:

"Dragged over cobblestones/
A silent sackcloth bag/
Lumps/
Blood/
Leading to a small house/
Oiled locks and bronze figures/
Return, from whence we came"

So whatever, take my shit with a handful of salt.
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Xlxlx
Metal freak

Joined: Sat Dec 24, 2011 2:16 pm
Posts: 5621
Location: Argentina
PostPosted: Tue Dec 27, 2011 10:26 pm 
 

PhilosophicalFrog about my lyrics wrote:
Your lyrics are interesting, I'm not a huge fan of how detailed they are and I feel as if you could do a lot more with a lot less.

Take this:

And Autumn? It'll just look for other flowers to consume
Chrysanthemums, probably, or maybe even Daisys
Just anything that can help it with it's never ending
Hunger for innocence...

I feel could be read much more emotionally a little shorter

"Autumn...will consume
Chrysanthemums, daisies
A never ending hunger
for innocence"

But this is a HUGE stylistic thing, and it depends on your vocal choice. If you go the traditional clean route keep what you have. However, if you are going for a death/doom vibe, it should be shorter, more concise, something more ominous. But then again, this is how I write lyrics, so it's a personal thing.

for example, one of my Siler Hatchery songs is about six minutes and the lyrics are just:

"Dragged over cobblestones/
A silent sackcloth bag/
Lumps/
Blood/
Leading to a small house/
Oiled locks and bronze figures/
Return, from whence we came"

So whatever, take my shit with a handful of salt.

Appreciate the criticism a lot, but the emphasis on detail is a big part of my writing, so I'm not likely to change that. And yes, I'm going for a spoken word style in the vein of what Aaron Stainthorpe does, with the occasional death growl for punctuation, and as such, I will keep my lyrics just as they are now.

Yours are great though, but considering how minimalistic they are, I would say that they belong to something more akin to Drone or Funeral Doom.
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Fun fact: if you put a baby on a vegan diet, it dies. Vegans are babykillers.

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HeirOfNothing
Metal newbie

Joined: Thu Dec 22, 2011 11:11 am
Posts: 49
Location: Belgium
PostPosted: Wed Dec 28, 2011 6:46 pm 
 

I don't usually write lyrics (for a couple of reasons that aren't important), but it'd still be interesting to see if I'm capable of anything, or should just call it quits right away. This relates to the first chapter of Paradise Lost:

Fall from graceful might
White horse relieved of dark knight

Barren flame
Erupted frost

Severed righteousness
Victim of good.


Don't consider it in any way finished or anything.

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