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garthmargengi
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Nov 01, 2011 7:16 am
Posts: 482
Location: Argentina
PostPosted: Fri Mar 30, 2012 4:30 pm 
 

First draft for Hellige's new song, I will probably have to stretch them because the song in sketchy stage is already like ten minutes long, dammit.
Anyway, feedback be appreciated:

Spoiler: show
GOBLET OF STARS

Marble light enshroud'd
Under moonlight beam
there shone,
by stars fashion'd the cup
that held the words of yore
carv'd in language pristine

thronging orbs of fancy golden
crasht as billows 'gainst the borders
holding wisdom and the light
and ancient secrets held by night

beckon'd by this celestial blooming,
stellar spell of radiant wonder
yearning to hold it's majesty
drank the hea'vns to the abyss'
became the source of all light
Now blackness enshrouds me
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Hellige: black/doom metal

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Necroticism174
Kite String Popper

Joined: Mon Mar 30, 2009 6:46 pm
Posts: 4880
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Sat Mar 31, 2012 1:57 pm 
 

This is far from my favourite kind of lyrics so I can't really comment completely objectively, but they seem competent enough. That stretching thing always happens to me when I write lyrics before a song. So now I generally finish the song first.
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They were a band who understood music needed more explosions.

http://www.last.fm/user/TheEndTimeRiff
http://halberddoom.bandcamp.com/releases

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AFN
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Sun Apr 01, 2012 3:14 pm
Posts: 15
Location: Malta
PostPosted: Sun Apr 01, 2012 3:18 pm 
 

Hello everyone. I play bass for a band called Ashes For Nought, and I'm going to experiment with being the vocalist too eventually. I'd really appreciate feedback on some lyrics I have written. Thanks very much. So far I don't have titles for most of my work.

-------

We sought liberation
From the whirlpool of our evils.
Thus we journeyed, in a directionless path
With hope which we did not understand.

We sought, and sought,
And when we thought our lives were almost obsolete
We believed we had found it.
We stood amazed; our seeking was complete.

A massive slab, monumental,
Hollowed and empty, with meaningless patterns carved into it.
We did not know what was.
Nor did we really care.
Our ignorance, which we fondly called “spiritual guidance”,
Had led us there.

As we remained firm in our adoration of nothing,
We forgot about the search for liberation,
And the wonders of the world which we had left behind,
And the ones who were weeping, nearby, crying “save us, save us”


-------

We could have lived like royalty,
Everyone of us.
Yet, we preferred to encase the mind
in a suppression of knowledge.

A nest for ignorance to breed.
A world for deception to breathe.

Books, locked away in a shroud of prohibition,
never to pave the way for breakthrough.

Intellect mourns, as another inquisition dawns,
Accusing those who wish to make a difference.
Breakthrough is censored.

Tradition basks in its exaltation.

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Necroticism174
Kite String Popper

Joined: Mon Mar 30, 2009 6:46 pm
Posts: 4880
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Sun Apr 01, 2012 7:21 pm 
 

I dig these quite a bit ^ good stuff man.
_________________
lord_ghengis about Vomitory splitting up wrote:
They were a band who understood music needed more explosions.

http://www.last.fm/user/TheEndTimeRiff
http://halberddoom.bandcamp.com/releases

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AFN
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Sun Apr 01, 2012 3:14 pm
Posts: 15
Location: Malta
PostPosted: Wed Apr 04, 2012 2:09 pm 
 

Necroticism174 wrote:
I dig these quite a bit ^ good stuff man.


Why, thank you very much!

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katatonia47
Metal newbie

Joined: Tue Jun 21, 2011 6:54 am
Posts: 272
Location: Australia
PostPosted: Thu Apr 05, 2012 10:23 am 
 

I know they're not perfect, but some pointers would be appreciated. I'd like to expand it a bit where I can. Thanks.

"I thought those pills were good for me,
My friends all said “You’ll feel so free,
They’ll rid you of all those voices,
Calm you down, just for a while.”
I replied with ignorance,
“What harm could it ever do?”,
How little I knew.

I could barely move a muscle,
But I somehow felt alive
For the first time.

I remember that dismal day,
When all of my friends said to me
“You've changed so much, yet aged so little,
These drugs will kill you, don’t you see?”
I simply shrugged and watched them leave.

That moment was so long ago
I can barely retell it now.
I should look through my old journal
To retrieve what I’ve forgotten,
But I'm absolutely terrified
Of the horrors that I’m sure to find."
_________________
"Work for pay, pay for freedom, fuck 'em all we don't need 'em" - Acid Bath


Last edited by katatonia47 on Wed Apr 11, 2012 1:11 am, edited 1 time in total.
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MetalMerchant
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Sun Oct 23, 2011 12:40 am
Posts: 23
PostPosted: Tue Apr 10, 2012 10:55 pm 
 

I'm looking to get my old death metal band started back up, and am writing lyrics for the occasion of it ever rearing its head again. Here is "The Ejection Lordess".

Ejection lordess; how you create fresh holes
through which more excretion should flow;
Bathe me in this discharge
and paint me to my soul;
Every inch of me must be made dark

The carvings you've made in your gut
and atop your groin so purplex me;
What law of nature or anatomy
so allows shit to flow so freely?

Exhibit, to me, the threshold of the human form;
Quarter my face and open it wide
and relay the sights to me that you see inside
May I feel it happen? I anticipate that I will;
Is my pain as extreme as the joy you feel?

My dominatrix of dung, do you accept me as yours?
Will you fill my mouth with feces as well as you do my pores?
Will you separate my groin from the whole and stamp it underfoot?
Will you gut me and invert me? I certainly think that you should...
If there was ever a hand that, by it, I should be killed
it would be yours that is inside of me; tell me how my intestines feel

Please, tell me what you guys think. Critique, pointers, how it makes you feel, what it makes you see in your head, anything - I am open to it.

Thanks, guys!

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kale100
Metal newbie

Joined: Wed May 27, 2009 3:28 pm
Posts: 302
Location: United States of America
PostPosted: Tue Apr 10, 2012 11:31 pm 
 

MetalMerchant...awesome, I enjoyed it. My physical reaction was an evil laugh, which to me is the best reaction to be had to death metal lyrics.
The lyrical subject really connects with me in a way that touches me physically, mentally, and spiritually. The narrator's partner, I can feel the warmth of his brown shower being welcomed onto my face :-P

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katatonia47
Metal newbie

Joined: Tue Jun 21, 2011 6:54 am
Posts: 272
Location: Australia
PostPosted: Wed Apr 11, 2012 10:05 am 
 

I've rethought my recent lyrics, and I'd just like to know if it was an improvement or not. I think they're a fair bit better.

“I thought those pills were good for me,
My friends all said “You’ll feel so free,
You’ll feel like you’re caught in a trance.”
So I replied with ignorance,
“What harm could it do?”
How little I knew.

My youth was lost in a frenzy,
I watched my best years pass me by.
My old self was cast away,
I had made something to stay.

I’ll tell you of my final sin
When I was told of the state I was in.
My old friends had come to my home
To remind me of what I’d become.
“You've changed so much, yet still so young,
We hate those things for which you long.
These drugs will kill you, don’t you see?”
I simply shrugged and watched them leave.

I have crawled back from the hell I was in
To tell you now of what I’ve been.
I was a fool, I lost my friends
I spent days wishing all of them to end.
I guess it’s better that I’ve lost those years
But now and again I have these fears
That old memories will fill my mind
And I’m certain I won’t like what I find."

I know no one here is much of a fan of rhyming, but try to ignore that.
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"Work for pay, pay for freedom, fuck 'em all we don't need 'em" - Acid Bath

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TheUglySoldier
Metalhead

Joined: Mon May 12, 2008 3:44 am
Posts: 1669
Location: Australia
PostPosted: Tue Apr 17, 2012 4:27 am 
 

Holy mother of fuck, MetalMerchant! Those lyrics are great. I don't know about the "Dominatrix of Dung" line, though - "Dominatrix of Defecation"? I don't know if that'll fit the rhythm, but yeah. Otherwise I'm really diggin' them, more please!
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MetalMerchant
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Sun Oct 23, 2011 12:40 am
Posts: 23
PostPosted: Tue Apr 17, 2012 6:34 am 
 

Thank you, friends!

Bear in mind, that was a draft done in fifteen minutes. Granted, I find myself lying much of the work down in the (typically) short time, and clean it up a little later on. I can exhibit more stuff later.

To the previous poster, I don't fret much about the rhythm of my lyrics. My biggest influences are Lord Worm, of Cryptopsy fame, and Sylvain Houde of Kataklysm (historically, at least)). See where I am going with it? I will bark and growl and spurt a whole paragraph in a few seconds.

I'm debating on which piece of meat I should throw you guys next...

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Xlxlx
May contain traces of nuts

Joined: Sat Dec 24, 2011 2:16 pm
Posts: 5311
Location: Argentina
PostPosted: Wed Apr 18, 2012 9:46 am 
 

Agree with the general consensus here; your lyrics are awesome, MetalMerchant, and very Lord Worm-ish, indeed (believe me, that's a big compliment coming from me). I do also agree that the "Dominatrix of dung" part should be changed to "Dominatrix of defecation" though, as it sounds a bit more classy. Love the slightly humorous nature of your writing too, as it reminds me quite a bit of the lyrics in Been Caught Buttering.
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MetalMerchant
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Sun Oct 23, 2011 12:40 am
Posts: 23
PostPosted: Wed Apr 18, 2012 10:19 pm 
 

I surround my person with theirs
(Or at least with what is left);
Future companions selected from
the families I've left bereft

I shall take from them their suffering
That I have created for them
And dance in it like the finest of robes;
My home painted red; my haven of bones

Mass grave to fill with the victims of this
Struggle against all of man;
(Or at least as much as I can)
As I reflect - "Do I belong in the grave
with the rest of this conquered land?"

Their souls require a shepherd,
A role I zealously provide -
I will dignify their disembodiment
With the articles of their life;
Commence a fervent exhumation
done in the glow of the moon's light

On their hands, above the rot
I shall arise from far below -
Assail the heavens with this uplifting stench
as feathered wings are warped and rent


Here's one called "Conquered Land". Hope you fellows like it... and thank you very much for the kind words and compliments.
Anybody in Middle Georgia that needs a lyricist and vocalist (and is willing to wait a few years for his hair to grow out) needs to get in contact with me. I'd LOVE to do something musical with others.

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MetalMerchant
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Sun Oct 23, 2011 12:40 am
Posts: 23
PostPosted: Sat Apr 21, 2012 6:37 pm 
 

In an effort to draw more viewers to this topic, I will post another of mine. This is my "Tribute to Thanatos"...

In my tumor's abode,
I envision only bones;
Relics of humanity stacked high
enough to blot out sunlight

Why is this slaughter not met with jovial laughter?
Why do you bleet? It is the only one you will partake in;
I will cherish it forever; ad infinitum

It is here I pay homage to those left unburied
Those who, by gunshot, I have murdered;
By hanging and by stabbing; By uncontrollable fury
And by forced exposure to winter flurries

On my knees, I pay respects to Death -
the only abstract certainty on Earth;
Hominid remains writhe, connect, and emerge
And form a welcoming entrance to my hearth;
But what if the roles were reversed?

Again, if anybody needs a vocalist and lyricist in Middle Georgia, hit me up... just be patient and let me finish high school and grow my hair out!

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Xlxlx
May contain traces of nuts

Joined: Sat Dec 24, 2011 2:16 pm
Posts: 5311
Location: Argentina
PostPosted: Sat Apr 21, 2012 7:18 pm 
 

MetalMerchant; first of all, have you studied/do you study poetry or literature in any way? Because I think you should be at least relatively versed in either of those two subjects to write with such gusto. Secondly, why do you insist so much in growing your hair? Not like it really matters, mate. Sure, it looks cool, but you shouldn't really give that much importance to your image.
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Under_Starmere wrote:
THESE GILLS BREATHE HATERADE

KolmeNoitaa wrote:
(...) microwaves are your best friends. You'll learn to cook anything and everything by nuking it.

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MetalMerchant
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Sun Oct 23, 2011 12:40 am
Posts: 23
PostPosted: Sat Apr 21, 2012 8:00 pm 
 

Xlxlx, that is just a joke on my part. I'm not concerned about image, to be honest; it's hard to do so when you are as sexy as I am (I jest).

However, I do not study much poetry or literature. I do read a fair amount of horror books (Bentley Little, Stephen King...) and I occasionally dabble in some poetry here or there.

Sometimes I just get a really nice line or title or idea in my head and try my best to run with it from there. Sometimes I see things, or am reminded of things I have saw or experienced thus far in my short life, and it will inspire me; that leads to the things you see here.

Like Quentin Tarantino claims to have been inspired only by film and has no schooling, so the same is for me with lyrics and poetry (I save the "nice" poetry for my girlfriend). The lyrics of (surprise, surprise) Lord Worm were what inspired me initially to write like this, at around thirteen years of age. It's simply developed over the years. I remember my first written thing... it was about torturing a man by gutting him at the summit of a mountain and allowing vultures to feed off of him. It wasn't in the vein of what you see here; it was crude, and followed the meter of "Make Them Suffer" (I think) by Cannibal Corpse. To be honest, I wish I still had it.

I've just been writing for a good, long while. Over that good, long while, I found a style of writing I was drawn to, and worked toward bettering my ability in it. Sort of like training Pokemon, I suppose.

I'll throw you guys another, I reckon. This isn't an instance of actually writing lyrics - I would consider it a product of "free-writing", done while wavering in and out of sleep.

Beyond the cataclysm, where every star hung black,
I had seen the woman; I beheld her marked back
and marveled at what it secrets it may hold...
She gave the hole where her ribs should be
to a dog and hairy thing of Old

The Dog, his knot enraptured in flesh,
Promised the seed of all of humanity;
The hairy thing promised an always-full nest
from which sprung all of our finality

And so the Genesis did spurt
though Revelation did first;
We were begotten upon a planet
that found so foreign the concept
of preserving its tenants; how grand it was

And so the She-Bitch rides the cloud
of pestilence and stilled births
that make it what it is called;
We ask only that you quell our ranks
so that our corpses not overpopulate
and make unbearable our stank

Is this dying wish so much to ask?

Let me know what you mongrels think of this one, and cheers! Thank you all for the kind comments.

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Xlxlx
May contain traces of nuts

Joined: Sat Dec 24, 2011 2:16 pm
Posts: 5311
Location: Argentina
PostPosted: Sat Apr 21, 2012 8:05 pm 
 

I see. Well, you are indeed a very talented lyricist, something that metal is in a desperate need of nowadays, so people like you are always welcome to the scene I'd say. And that piece of yours is very nice (as expected). Have you thought of any titles for it?
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Under_Starmere wrote:
THESE GILLS BREATHE HATERADE

KolmeNoitaa wrote:
(...) microwaves are your best friends. You'll learn to cook anything and everything by nuking it.

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MetalMerchant
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Sun Oct 23, 2011 12:40 am
Posts: 23
PostPosted: Sat Apr 21, 2012 8:15 pm 
 

Not a concrete title. I've got it under "Before the Beginning, the End" in my saved files.

I've got three projects I want to bring to life: Vigor Mortis, Crudivore, and Adult Retards. The first, Vigor Mortis, almost had a demo out. That was my baby project, of sorts. I've only recently thought of the second two. I saw the definiton for Crudivore as a part of the "word of the day" thing my math teacher does as a joke, and the final is the result of how many laughs I had at a former boss's mentally retarded son (please spare me the criticism; I chastise myself enough already), and because I realized that I may sometimes need an outlet of pure anger and rage sometimes, and not focus so much on making it eloquent like the other two.

I'll throw another one at you fellows... this is "Stones of Nazareth", an older one. I'm iffy about it. I don't consider it finished.

The stones of Nazareth speak,
and they beseech me to cast them;
What targets do they need
besides the faces of those who blaspheme?

God lives in the rocks
and The Anointed dances beneath the soil;
They both command me to lay the blocks
for the foundation of future turmoil

This ailing Holy Land must be purified; create disorder
to punish those who would dare commit sin -
"Rocks for walls, ground bones for mortar"
His commandments, like leaves, ride the wind

Imbued with the power of the Lord,
I dissipate and progress skyward;
My mind is turned as I see the Father of the Sword;
Sire of Sacrilege; Savior of the Horned

Once again, thank you for the kind comments. I'll post more in time...

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Xlxlx
May contain traces of nuts

Joined: Sat Dec 24, 2011 2:16 pm
Posts: 5311
Location: Argentina
PostPosted: Sat Apr 21, 2012 8:26 pm 
 

It's pretty interesting, and very creative for anti-religious lyrics (which is quite the feat at this point in time, when you think about it). I think it's a wee bit too short, though. It could use another paragraph easily.
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Under_Starmere wrote:
THESE GILLS BREATHE HATERADE

KolmeNoitaa wrote:
(...) microwaves are your best friends. You'll learn to cook anything and everything by nuking it.

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Xanzotire
Metal newbie

Joined: Fri Jan 06, 2012 10:49 am
Posts: 117
Location: United Kingdom
PostPosted: Sun Apr 22, 2012 8:46 am 
 

I suppose I might as well throw my stuff to the wolves and see what comes out the other side.

This randomly came into my head at about two o clock last night:

Grey steel architecture,
Countless lives of unknown vector,
A town haunted by a forbidding spectre,
Streets paved with morbid neglect,

A seemingly fitting scene,
For a day out under sunny sky's,
Rays blocked by defiled concrete,
And the towering high rise,

Children inhale putrid smog,
Lungs rotting, airways clogged,
The streets filled with metal coffins,
The corpses inside play at being alive,

Now in the mortuary,
Where they spend their nine to five,
Decayed animal flesh fills their arteries,
Their insides weaken and decay,

Idle chatter fills the halls,
But there is no evidence of communication,
Roaches cannot speak the tongues of men,
For theirs have rotted and fallen out,

Images of bodily deconstruction banned from screens,
Not to protect by any means,
The devouring of human life,
A cannibalism filling our daily routine
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I, who was born in a naked land and bred in the open sky.
The subtle tongue, the sophist guile, they fail when the broadswords sing;
Rush in and die, dogs--I was a man before I was a king." - R. Howard

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metalxstorm123
Metal newbie

Joined: Sun Sep 25, 2011 2:19 pm
Posts: 36
Location: United States
PostPosted: Mon May 07, 2012 7:40 pm 
 

I already wrote this but i edited it a little


Beyond the Illusion of Time

Time is an illusion, just a way to trick your mind. For no human can bend the sands of time. We think that time can heal or allow us not to feel. Time can does not control us, because it simply isn’t real.

After the dawn, but before the dusk the sun will fade away, behind the opaque blackboard surface, who are we to say?

We are not immortal; we're presented life or death. Some will choose the easy way, we feel the wrath another day. It all comes back to haunt you, revenge or maybe spite. Fate does not allow us, but sometimes it just might.

Beyond the Illusion of time, the sun will fade away, behind the skin the deathly grin, who are we to say? If we all live for tomorrow, what if we die today? Time has a way of changing things, who are we to say?

After the dawn, but before the dusk the sun will fade away, behind the opaque blackboard surface, who are we to say?
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2Eagle333
Metal newbie

Joined: Mon Feb 18, 2008 8:24 am
Posts: 218
PostPosted: Tue May 08, 2012 11:27 pm 
 

Xanzotire wrote:
This randomly came into my head at about two o clock last night:

That's how most good ideas come about.

In any case, your lyrics here seem to have a pretty strong tinge of Voivod to them, so I would imagine they may be used in a similar vaguely-mechanical musical context. That would make it a bit difficult to judge the lyrics by themselves, as when you're looking at bands like Voivod, a lot of the lyrical effect depends upon the delivery, and as such you can't make detailed stylistic critiques until then. Still, though, I did feel that given the similarities to bands like Voivod in the lyrics, perhaps it might be worth trying to integrate more of their 'fragmented' lyrical structure rather than narrative or continuous description, since it seems to be quite effective in portraying modern life as stale, stagnant, etc. You seem to be doing this quite often already, but some sections do seem like edits in that direction could be fruitful, as they don't quite 'fit in' as well as the rest.

Quote:
Now in the mortuary,
Where they spend their nine to five,
Decayed animal flesh fills their arteries,
Their insides weaken and decay,

This section seems a bit too much in the direction of 'Death Metal Gore Lyrics v.x,' which doesn't seem to fit in that well with the rest of the lyrics as they are here. There's a shift in tone from the rest of the track, and maybe it could be worth going over this verse and looking at the atmosphere you had been trying to build in the previous ones, so as to be able to integrate the style of this verse with what it should be conveying as part of the song (which seems to basically portray a sense of stagnant, mechanical degradation, inability to speak, etc.) As it is now, it seems a bit too far on the 'descriptive' side of things; that is, it seems that its writing is tailored towards describing the scene in the mortuary rather than furthering the overall aesthetic effect. Maybe breaking things up a bit, and moving away from having simply a continual description, as well as maybe trying to experiment with imagery which serves your overall purpose without falling into overly common death metal diction, could help here.

The two could complement each other, in fact, insofar as varying imagery up a bit creates something of a fragmentary effect itself, something which Voivod exploit often in 'Nothingface,' eg.

Talk to me, you flying shadows,
Wandering into the ozone stew.
Keep your myths from the embryos,
Who would misconstrue
Anything new.
An outright official fiasco,
Can you shield me from
The drastic truth.

Needless to say, the imagery isn't exactly sticking to a type. Another work which might be of some relevance is the surrealistic poem 'Housing Development,' by a poet, H.R. Hays, who was generally quite mediocre, but in this case gave quite a good example of using fragmented imagery (in the sense of not having a logical development or central trope per se) in order to portray the stagnancy and masked emotion behind bourgeois society:

Their eyes are full of newspapers
Stealthily the carpet
Creeps from wall to wall.
They button the roast chickens,
Make hats of armchairs
And fold whisky and water into each napkin.

If you plant a wedding cake on the lawn
Will it grow baby pictures?
Will it sing ‘My country ‘tis of thee’?

Imagine the screams
If a mermaid appeared in the bathtub;
The distress of the vacuum cleaner,
The soapy sobs of the dishwasher.

[...]

And yet
All along the block
Breasts peer out of windows.
And from the television antennae
Drops of blood fall.


You do seem to use a somewhat similar effect in this verse, which I found to be very effective:

Quote:
A seemingly fitting scene,
For a day out under sunny sky's,
Rays blocked by defiled concrete,
And the towering high rise,


The discord between the initial evaluation and the description given, as well as the context as a whole, makes this work well. The description almost seems to come from a completely different voice than the initial two lines, which contributes to the feeling of fragmentation which I talked about being effective in your writing; the unity of the objective narrator is disrupted and you instead have fragments of world without an ordering authority principle. This effect carries on into the next verse, and gives that too the feeling of fragmented sense-impressions, complemented by the form of the verse as a list of objective phenomena, and the use of caesura (or whatever it's called in music.)

Quote:
Idle chatter fills the halls,
But there is no evidence of communication,
Roaches cannot speak the tongues of men,
For theirs have rotted and fallen out,

This, again, seems to break up the narrator and fragment the descriptions, and to quite a noticeable degree. There is first of all the seeming contradiction of the first two lines, followed by the notable tone shift and infusion of a new image (roaches) in the third line, and all of this contributes to give the verse a pretty strongly fragmented feeling, one which mirrors the sense of senselessness and the lack of intelligible speech present in the lyrics. I found this to be one of the most effective verses, along with a couple of the others already mentioned.

Quote:
Images of bodily deconstruction banned from screens,
Not to protect by any means,
The devouring of human life,
A cannibalism filling our daily routine

Again, the lack of strict grammatical continuity works well in this final verse, and gives it a sort of impersonal, alien feel which contrasts strongly with the more evocative, emotional identification of 'cannibalism' in the final line, as if almost to illustrate the concept of the harsh reality and repressed life beneath the lifeless images previously covered. While we'll have to see how this verse sounds when put to music, its overall structure is probably worth keeping.

Quote:
Grey steel architecture,
Countless lives of unknown vector,
A town haunted by a forbidding spectre, (Maybe too general?)
Streets paved with morbid neglect,

I liked the second line of this. However, the third line seemed to have too much of a general, story-teller-ish tone to it, which is especially pertinent given that it ends the rhyme which had been going on for the previous two lines and hence that the success of the previous lines is to some degree contingent upon it. On the one hand, it does sound like a bit of a cliched announcement ('A town, haunted by the ghosts of its etcs.'), on the other it seems a bit too general in contrast to the concreteness of the past two lines (the second still refers to specific lives in a specific place), sacrificing their concrete description for the summoning up of a trope. It seems to give the town a 'type,' when maybe what is more necessary is to give it a concrete tone.

Of course, if you wish to keep it around almost as it is, then it could always be worth just getting rid of the 'a' or something along those lines to give it a slightly dehumanized feel ('A town haunted by forbidding spectre'), although that would probably only work for clean vocals (well, in the looser sense of 'not being growled/screamed/etc.'), and would also depend upon the tone being used. Still, defying the laws of grammar can be a very productive past-time when trying to portray dehumanization and stagnation.

Also it means that you get to pretend to be Japanese and Japan is the greatest place on Earth don't you know they have anime and ninjas and sexual license and ramen and it's amazing you puny Westerners would not understand our vidcon allegiance and

In any case, you seem to have something pretty good going so far, and just have to work on getting it all to work towards a common aim.* There's certainly more good than bad in there, and it'd be interesting to see where this ends up musically. Best of luck.


* See T. Adorno, 'The Communist Theory of Metal.'**
** While seeing it, you can skip the part about how we should have stopped making heavy metal after Auschwitz.

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worlddementia
Metal newbie

Joined: Wed Jun 17, 2009 2:40 pm
Posts: 189
PostPosted: Thu May 31, 2012 1:22 pm 
 

I love this thread. And I'd like to see what anyone thinks of what I've wrote, too. These lyrics are for a really pissed-off powerviolence-ish grind band I've started (Think: Discordance Axis, Nasum, and Eyehategod), and they're a little cryptic. I'll explain fully if anyone's interested but the gist of the song is finding a balance between the influences of the left and right hemispheres of the brain.

How the fuck do I feel? How the fuck do I think I feel?
Seeing isn't believing, push yourself, rise to fall for results
Stricken with lack, hanging from my guilty noose
Sickened by complacency, intoxicated, staring, choking on vomit

I'm fucking sick, slamming the walls of a damp holding cell
With every swing, the walls close in

Right, left
Right, left
_________________
Sadr_mordvig wrote:
or you heil to your fucking hitler and bang into your fucking pots with your fucking nazi dick (and tape it actually)

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ShadowAurion
Metal newbie

Joined: Sun Nov 16, 2008 8:41 am
Posts: 90
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue Jun 05, 2012 7:41 pm 
 

I think I have a lot of room to grow as a lyricist. : p So honest feedback is appreciated (negative or positive). Also, I'm in concurrence with everyone else, MM. Your lyrics are boss.

Gonna set this one to music here soon. Just gotta find the time to record the vocals.
-
"Pandora/Ashen"

Breathe deep the ashes
The remains of all familiars
Faceless souls, screaming chrome
Static consumes the sound

Thousands of memories
Human spirts splayed on screen
All joys and sorrows
Warped; overcome by hate

Crumbling, dusty cores
The essence of our all
Merging to a singularity
Never again to lay bare

Words from holy scripture
Laser etched on the backs of men
Electronic flagellation
Screaming for redemption

In the rusted embrace
A frail world immolates
Pandora project, status: critical
Absolve us of these wrongs

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sourlows
Metal newbie

Joined: Sun May 02, 2010 6:12 am
Posts: 209
PostPosted: Fri Jun 08, 2012 11:43 am 
 

Well these lyrics have already been set to a song, feel free to comment on the song, my vocals, connection between my execution or the music and the lyrics, etc. What I'm looking for is maybe a suggestion of a different narrator's perspective. I feel like I use the word 'they' and forms of 'they' too much with a distant third person perspective like this.

song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BaaVozJ55Qc
lyrics:
The grey skies of faceless gods looms;
Whispers a solemn breath of primality.
Basalt stones hunch crumbling in the wind,
Smooth and worn and tired, dying so steadily
In this ancient whisper, peeling into nothingness

Erecting their effigies in the wind and its dirt;
Worships for their gods of dust and rot;
So many voices lost in the eternal wind,
Elongating and mingling in this vortex of futility.
Their prayers become so twisted in the endless grey...

They will have their eternity,
In the agonizing scream of the wind
That will haunt the short lives of their children's children
Those unsmiling and eroded faces they've lived for
Will be less than the dust of their corpses

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Hermit Hill
Metal newbie

Joined: Sat Mar 03, 2012 12:19 pm
Posts: 48
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sun Jun 17, 2012 8:03 pm 
 

I've always struggled with lyrics. No matter what they always seem to come off as cheesy. Here's my most recent attempt. Please don't pull any punches with the feedback I want to know exactly what people think of it. I'm in the process of putting it into a song I've written.
Spoiler: show
They hovered above
they gathered in wonder
above all the winds
I sink though hard earth

accept..... the hollow
engulf..... the pain

The wineglass was raised
a name was callen
but then was told
to begone

Redempt... the tearful
rebuke..... the slaves

The ashes were stirred
the the tears were still falling
but somewhere else
were more tears that fell

accept.... the bereavement
wail..... the hatred

The angel came down
to save the hurting
but some were not fit to be saved

pass.... over....
pass... over...

They say autum's when we die
the textures they run down the sky
then we die

dressed in a gown made of leaves
the wind flies in circles around your knees
in my dreams

stars like eyes in the sky
the stars-they watch us till the day we die
till we die

And I am alone
Passed over-alarmed
And I'm miserable
and hateful I grow (4x)

and hateful I grow
to feel the shun and the sting of your dirt in my eyes
I will hate and bury myself and someday lay down and die
(insert solo here)

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Hermit Hill
Metal newbie

Joined: Sat Mar 03, 2012 12:19 pm
Posts: 48
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sun Jun 17, 2012 8:06 pm 
 

I like yours, sourlows. They fit the atmosphere of your song very well.

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Zodijackyl
Lazy Wizard

Joined: Wed Apr 30, 2008 5:39 pm
Posts: 4806
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sun Jun 17, 2012 9:02 pm 
 

Hermit Hill wrote:
I've always struggled with lyrics. No matter what they always seem to come off as cheesy. Here's my most recent attempt. Please don't pull any punches with the feedback I want to know exactly what people think of it. I'm in the process of putting it into a song I've written.
Spoiler: show
They hovered above
they gathered in wonder
above all the winds
I sink though hard earth

accept..... the hollow
engulf..... the pain

The wineglass was raised
a name was callen
but then was told
to begone

Redempt... the tearful
rebuke..... the slaves

The ashes were stirred
the the tears were still falling
but somewhere else
were more tears that fell

accept.... the bereavement
wail..... the hatred

The angel came down
to save the hurting
but some were not fit to be saved

pass.... over....
pass... over...

They say autum's when we die
the textures they run down the sky
then we die

dressed in a gown made of leaves
the wind flies in circles around your knees
in my dreams

stars like eyes in the sky
the stars-they watch us till the day we die
till we die

And I am alone
Passed over-alarmed
And I'm miserable
and hateful I grow (4x)

and hateful I grow
to feel the shun and the sting of your dirt in my eyes
I will hate and bury myself and someday lay down and die
(insert solo here)


Don't try to be so abstract. It's pretty easy to see any subject as cheesy when you write lyrics about it. Pick a story to tell, write a song about it, avoid constant rhyming if you think it sounds too cheesy.

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Hermit Hill
Metal newbie

Joined: Sat Mar 03, 2012 12:19 pm
Posts: 48
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sun Jun 17, 2012 9:34 pm 
 

Thanks. I've put some thought into the rhyming thing. I feel it helps the vocal melody flow (I use both clean and harsg vocals in my songs). Maybe I wouldn't need it if I had better vocal melodies. Thoughts on this?

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d1g1c0ck
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Sat May 19, 2012 1:24 pm
Posts: 10
Location: Faroe Islands
PostPosted: Mon Jun 18, 2012 3:28 pm 
 

I'm in a Melodic Death Metal/Metalcore band with Folk influences. What do you think of these lyrics?

Let me tell you the tale of a man
A man with mighty powers
This man has no name
Therefore we call him Mr.

Chorus:
Mr. Man so mighty and powerful
The ladies love his beard
He'll lift you with one arm
and tickle you with the other

No one knows Mr. Man
His children rotten
Making love with his hand
As is the tale of lonely

War veteran Dragon Slayer
Mantastic Deathmachine
Masterbaiting to Cannibal Corpse
He'll punch a rhino in it's stupid fucking face

Chorus

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Zodijackyl
Lazy Wizard

Joined: Wed Apr 30, 2008 5:39 pm
Posts: 4806
Location: United States
PostPosted: Mon Jun 18, 2012 3:57 pm 
 

d1g1c0ck wrote:
I'm in a Melodic Death Metal/Metalcore band with Folk influences. What do you think of these lyrics?

Let me tell you the tale of a man
A man with mighty powers
This man has no name
Therefore we call him Mr.

Chorus:
Mr. Man so mighty and powerful
The ladies love his beard
He'll lift you with one arm
and tickle you with the other

No one knows Mr. Man
His children rotten
Making love with his hand
As is the tale of lonely

War veteran Dragon Slayer
Mantastic Deathmachine
Masterbaiting to Cannibal Corpse
He'll punch a rhino in it's stupid fucking face

Chorus


You should try writing in your native language.

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Hermit Hill
Metal newbie

Joined: Sat Mar 03, 2012 12:19 pm
Posts: 48
Location: United States
PostPosted: Mon Jun 18, 2012 8:31 pm 
 

d1g1c0ck wrote:
I'm in a Melodic Death Metal/Metalcore band with Folk influences. What do you think of these lyrics?

Let me tell you the tale of a man
A man with mighty powers
This man has no name
Therefore we call him Mr.

Chorus:
Mr. Man so mighty and powerful
The ladies love his beard
He'll lift you with one arm
and tickle you with the other

No one knows Mr. Man
His children rotten
Making love with his hand
As is the tale of lonely

War veteran Dragon Slayer
Mantastic Deathmachine
Masterbaiting to Cannibal Corpse
He'll punch a rhino in it's stupid fucking face

Chorus


If you're going for humor you nailed it. Made me laugh very hard.

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d1g1c0ck
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Sat May 19, 2012 1:24 pm
Posts: 10
Location: Faroe Islands
PostPosted: Mon Jun 18, 2012 8:40 pm 
 

Zodijackyl wrote:
You should try writing in your native language.

I would, but then everyone would think that I was writing about vikings...thanks a lot, Týr...


Hermit Hill wrote:
If you're going for humor you nailed it. Made me laugh very hard.

That was what I was going for, so thank you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eIeuD9Fu2gU
That's the song.

Here are some other lyrics:

Globus

Paranoia are they deceivers
Am I the believer
A Warmonger out to kill
Killing the pieces gives me thrills

The Black Star
From afar
Playing chess with faith
No spot is safe

Rolling the dice
Rolling it thrice
Claustrophobic can't get out
Hasthur gives a threatening shout

chorus.
take my hand into this new age.
forget all the things that you've done.
no endless cries into the night.
this is the new order.

A rush of hate
for the red king is late
A stab in the back
From a mortar attack

In Poseidon's land
I will take a stand
With you by my side
I can never die

Rolling the dice
Rolling it thrice
Claustrophobic can't get out
Hasthur gives a threatening shout

Chorus

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fIjxy31F28&feature=relmfu

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godyguy
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Fri Jun 15, 2012 10:41 am
Posts: 3
Location: Norway
PostPosted: Tue Jun 19, 2012 8:57 am 
 

Can anybody give me a couple of good tips on this sort of lyrical approach? I'd like to learn more about writing good lyrics!
_________________
It’s art, just look at it as art. Yeah, it’s disgusting, but that’s never gonna happen. Go to the Vatican and look at some of the artwork there. Woah! That’s real, representing something that could happen. Monsters are never gonna come ripping out of your body.
-Fischer

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Big_Grand
Metalhead

Joined: Thu Nov 11, 2010 11:59 pm
Posts: 432
PostPosted: Sun Jun 24, 2012 1:01 am 
 

Quote:
Red blood is cleaned from my axe by these black waters
Harsh tides pull me into the deep
These cold blackened winds scrape my face in welcome
My ears bleed by the tones of the Icy waves hitting my broken mast in grief



think amon amarth's slower stuff when reading this, any input?

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metalxstorm123
Metal newbie

Joined: Sun Sep 25, 2011 2:19 pm
Posts: 36
Location: United States
PostPosted: Thu Jun 28, 2012 4:02 pm 
 

[u]UNLEASH[/u]
Satan, he consumes you as the chasms open wide
Leave the lost souls free to roam with hatred in their eyes
Intruder from the overworld? Or unexpected guest?
Judgement day is drawing near, unleash them all at last!

UNLEASH! UNLEASH!

Deathly shrieks and tortured screams come out from the curtain
Terrorizing all in sight, sudden death is certain
Disaster strikes the city in the cavern known as hell
His gaze is filled with agony, we all could surely tell

UNLEASH! UNLEASH!
_________________
fuck yes! fuck yes fuck yes fuck yes! dark angel dark angel dark angel!dark angel make me so happy!

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BrandonCOB
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2012 6:07 am
Posts: 12
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue Jul 10, 2012 3:32 am 
 

Something I wrote as a little tribute to my feelings regarding Christianity and the purpose of religion as a whole.

Stay the night.
As we mutilate the garb of sunlight.
The darkness will overtake our kind.
We are as animals to the illuminescent carnivore.
Challenge everything you've known.
Profess your love of the drone.
The hum of the electric state, pulsing your blood.
Channeling a current of addiction and hopelessness.
So much hope, with such little fact.
I wish for this moment to end.
Maybe then we all shall see.
That this is not reality.
But deep scars in the woven fabric of existence.
Our cloaks, river soaked with the blood of the idols.
Drowning the seconds we live, under shallow gasps we come to continuom.
The channels waltz back and forth.
As through the static, we path our course.
In daylight, memories come to pass.
In darkness, our dreams align.
Wolves of frequent insanity
Barking at the haunting calvary.
The stigmata sent upon their backs.
To liqour up the resounding laughs.
We bar our limitations from the inside out.
So freedom comes with a price of doubt.
Crack the door, seek the past.
Dream a faster death that lasts.
The wood, it breaks across your neck.
Freeing you from passive hate.
Freeing you from evil, celebate.
Feed my hunger, open wide.
The scent of murder, captured in time.

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ClaymanOnFire
Metalhead

Joined: Sat Mar 12, 2011 8:13 pm
Posts: 457
Location: Nice try, Big Brother
PostPosted: Fri Aug 03, 2012 4:29 pm 
 

Hermit Hill wrote:
I've always struggled with lyrics. No matter what they always seem to come off as cheesy. Here's my most recent attempt. Please don't pull any punches with the feedback I want to know exactly what people think of it. I'm in the process of putting it into a song I've written.
Spoiler: show
They hovered above
they gathered in wonder
above all the winds
I sink though hard earth

accept..... the hollow
engulf..... the pain

The wineglass was raised
a name was callen
but then was told
to begone

Redempt... the tearful
rebuke..... the slaves

The ashes were stirred
the the tears were still falling
but somewhere else
were more tears that fell

accept.... the bereavement
wail..... the hatred

The angel came down
to save the hurting
but some were not fit to be saved

pass.... over....
pass... over...

They say autum's when we die
the textures they run down the sky
then we die

dressed in a gown made of leaves
the wind flies in circles around your knees
in my dreams

stars like eyes in the sky
the stars-they watch us till the day we die
till we die

And I am alone
Passed over-alarmed
And I'm miserable
and hateful I grow (4x)

and hateful I grow
to feel the shun and the sting of your dirt in my eyes
I will hate and bury myself and someday lay down and die
(insert solo here)

I like the bulk of it, but it would benefit from another look over. It doesn't seem cheesy, but a couple lines come off a wee bit awkward (such as "but somewhere else
were more tears that fell" --- not a bad idea, but it could be executed better). I also half-agree with Zodijackyl, it would help if it was less abstract, or, on the other hand, if you unified the abstract images (for instance by having everything take place in a nighttime forest, using more metaphors related to that idea to convey a stronger mental picture).

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Julian the Apostate
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Sun May 01, 2011 4:15 pm
Posts: 3
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sat Aug 04, 2012 6:39 pm 
 

A few verses to a song I wrote in response to my fanatical Baptist neighbors pissing me off:

The Book of Lies has fucked their minds,
It rapes their brains and makes them blind,
They follow fucked up lying words,
Dead eyes dead feet marching in hordes.

A virgin whore his mother was,
Deflowered by some fucking Greek,
A hero of lepers thieves and scum,
A preacher to the fucking weak.

These fucking liars dressed in gold,
Preaching peace and bullshit love,
So raise a beer to Gods of Old,
As Christians fuck themselves in blood.

A little hateful, perhaps, but hey, this is metal.

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SadisticOrgasm
Metal newbie

Joined: Tue Jun 09, 2009 6:01 am
Posts: 180
Location: Nepal
PostPosted: Mon Aug 06, 2012 6:30 am 
 

Hi there, here below is the lyric I've written for my grind band. Comments are welcome.

"Subhuman Standard"

Deceitful and dishonest
Take what was never to be theirs
The easy path to transgression
With the blinding of the honor

Creatures of mortality
Think they’d escape with what they gained
Until the Day of Judgment
Humans mocked by their self-indulgence

Victors are the parasites
Sane are ones who get by with sins
The subhuman standard?
Quest for immortality fails

Creature of mortality
Think they escape with what they gained
Until the Day of Judgment
Humans mocked by their self-indulgence

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