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MalignantThrone
Vanished in the Cosmic Futility

Joined: Tue May 31, 2011 1:24 am
Posts: 2789
PostPosted: Fri Mar 02, 2012 8:40 pm 
 

Gah, doomknocker is such a horrible, horrible reviewer. He's the #1 reason why I think MA should instate a Basic Genre Knowledge test before allowing people to submit reviews.
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xexyzl
Metal newbie

Joined: Fri Jul 24, 2009 12:38 pm
Posts: 265
PostPosted: Wed Mar 07, 2012 4:25 pm 
 

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/H ... hrothgar21
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/H ... gardlord88

I'm almost tempted to post these in Oven Fodder but they are fresh out of the . . . review process. Are these guys for real/not the same person? hrothgar's review reads like an ad and asgardlord's reads like he was forced to write it at gunpoint.

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Zelkiiro
Pounding the world with a fish of steel

Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2009 5:30 pm
Posts: 7729
Location: Pennsylvania
PostPosted: Wed Mar 07, 2012 5:06 pm 
 

Mods are usually more lenient with the first few review submissions on any given release. Just wait for more, hopefully quality, reviews to arise and then petition for those early reviews to go.
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HeySharpshooter
Metalhead

Joined: Sun Sep 17, 2006 3:12 am
Posts: 447
Location: United States
PostPosted: Wed Mar 07, 2012 5:46 pm 
 

xexyzl wrote:
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/Heidevolk/Batavi/325593/hrothgar21
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/H ... gardlord88

I'm almost tempted to post these in Oven Fodder but they are fresh out of the . . . review process. Are these guys for real/not the same person? hrothgar's review reads like an ad and asgardlord's reads like he was forced to write it at gunpoint.


I have never laughed so hard in all of my life. Anyone with a brain could see right through those reviews, no doubt written by a friend of the band... or perhaps a member of the band.

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Metal_Detector
Reticular Modular Unit

Joined: Fri Oct 08, 2010 9:15 pm
Posts: 2176
Location: Japan
PostPosted: Thu Mar 08, 2012 2:13 pm 
 

Incredible review for Bury the Light, Empyreal. It's probably one of the best I've ever read from you. Really all encompassing and engrossing. It also seems that most people justly (who actually like the album) think it deserves a 95.
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~Guest 282118
Argentinian Asado Supremacy

Joined: Sat Dec 24, 2011 2:16 pm
Posts: 8300
PostPosted: Sat Mar 10, 2012 7:05 pm 
 

MalignantThrone wrote:
Gah, doomknocker is such a horrible, horrible reviewer. He's the #1 reason why I think MA should instate a Basic Genre Knowledge test before allowing people to submit reviews.

Do I have to remind you that ConorFynes said Mussorgsky was a band in one of his reviews?

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caspian
Old Man Yells at Car Park

Joined: Tue Dec 07, 2004 11:29 pm
Posts: 6414
Location: Australia
PostPosted: Sun Mar 11, 2012 10:14 pm 
 

is it really that surprising? Not everyone is a huge classical music connisseur. I've got maybe 50 or so "old music with strings" CDs but I'd never heard of the dude. ConorFynes is a bad, bad bad bad reviewer but in that case it sounded like people were being snobby for the sake of being snobby. I guess that's the review discussion board in general though.
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Lemmyapu
Metal newbie

Joined: Sun Nov 22, 2009 3:08 am
Posts: 117
Location: Childers, Queensland
PostPosted: Mon Mar 12, 2012 2:23 am 
 

Everyone says how bad a reviewer ConorFynes is but no one can ever say exactly why other than he writes too many of them with no style.
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~Guest 82538
Metal freak

Joined: Thu Sep 28, 2006 10:34 am
Posts: 6400
PostPosted: Mon Mar 12, 2012 8:31 am 
 

Lemmyapu wrote:
Everyone says how bad a reviewer ConorFynes is but no one can ever say exactly why other than he writes too many of them with no style.

Actually some people have pointed out enough of his wrongdoings, but it varies from person to person. :lol: Anyway, I kind of dislike his reviews because most of the times it feels like he's just reviewing albums for the sake of doing it, without putting that much thought or sentiment into it. The way he writes is a bit "barren" and lacks the eloquence I like to sense in such a text like an album review. If the album evokes any feelings whatsoever he sure isn't able to transpire them and that's why I don't read his reviews at all. That and the fact that most of his opinions are different than mine, but that has more to do with personal taste than quality writing.

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caspian
Old Man Yells at Car Park

Joined: Tue Dec 07, 2004 11:29 pm
Posts: 6414
Location: Australia
PostPosted: Fri Mar 16, 2012 7:16 am 
 

Wilytank has great taste but it's inversely proportional to his review skill, alas
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MalignantThrone
Vanished in the Cosmic Futility

Joined: Tue May 31, 2011 1:24 am
Posts: 2789
PostPosted: Sat Mar 17, 2012 4:31 am 
 

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/M ... 91/redless
Quote:
I want to kill myself now because I had been writing a review for 20 minutes and I accidentally pressed the backspace button and all was gone :(

OH GOD WHAT IS CTRL+Z HOW DID THIS GET HERE I AM NOT GOOD WITH COMPUTER
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hakarl
Metel fraek

Joined: Sat Sep 29, 2007 1:41 pm
Posts: 8816
Location: Finland
PostPosted: Sat Mar 17, 2012 4:53 am 
 

Crap like that has no place in a review, and neither does cretinism like "if you like extreme metal but don't like this, you actually don't like extreme metal, LOL!"

This one from the new The Ruins of Beverast review had me as close to chuckling as reviews at best can make me:
Quote:
But overall, I feel that having the interludes between each track was overdoing it a tad; sort of not just nailing the point home, but rather shooting you in the dick with a nail gun until you give into their creepiness and start weeping in a corner.
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bronxeel
Metalhead

Joined: Wed Aug 31, 2011 12:58 am
Posts: 540
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sat Mar 17, 2012 8:40 am 
 

MalignantThrone wrote:
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/Morbid_Angel/Blessed_Are_the_Sick/591/redless
Quote:
I want to kill myself now because I had been writing a review for 20 minutes and I accidentally pressed the backspace button and all was gone :(

OH GOD WHAT IS CTRL+Z HOW DID THIS GET HERE I AM NOT GOOD WITH COMPUTER


This line absolutely killed me: "The lyrics are about the ancient gods and all that occult stuff"

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hakarl
Metel fraek

Joined: Sat Sep 29, 2007 1:41 pm
Posts: 8816
Location: Finland
PostPosted: Sat Mar 17, 2012 8:45 am 
 

The worst part is "one of my favourite riffs of all time, which is also an "effigy of what's to come" - did you see what I did there?"

His intellect is so vast and yet his wit so subtle. Dazzling.
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colin040
Metal freak

Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2007 6:00 pm
Posts: 7609
Location: Netherlands
PostPosted: Sat Mar 17, 2012 10:55 am 
 

His review is indeed pretty crap. His review of Death Symbolic aint great either.

Quote:
Overall, you must not expect anything specific from Symbolic, because you will probably get disappointed


:durr:

Quote:
Maybe words are really poor to describe this music.


Your words are, yes.

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xexyzl
Metal newbie

Joined: Fri Jul 24, 2009 12:38 pm
Posts: 265
PostPosted: Sat Mar 17, 2012 5:18 pm 
 

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/M ... MarcosDoom

Another review filtered through Google translate

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Metal_Detector
Reticular Modular Unit

Joined: Fri Oct 08, 2010 9:15 pm
Posts: 2176
Location: Japan
PostPosted: Sat Mar 17, 2012 5:37 pm 
 

xexyzl wrote:
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/Metallica/Beyond_Magnetic/324847/MarcosDoom

Another review filtered through Google translate


To clean the eye, that review's pretty patetic.
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mad_submarine
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2011 5:33 pm
Posts: 29
PostPosted: Sun Mar 18, 2012 6:05 pm 
 

I don't know who this guy is "Torwilligous" but whoever that is, I fucking enjoy reading his reviews. Fucking hilarious!
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hakarl
Metel fraek

Joined: Sat Sep 29, 2007 1:41 pm
Posts: 8816
Location: Finland
PostPosted: Sun Mar 18, 2012 6:31 pm 
 

...

What is the point of ramblings like this?
Quote:
I'm not foolish; Jotenheim were never going to become the new Metallica, were never going to take the world by storm and put it back together again in their image. 'Epic metal', in the Platonic Ideal displayed here, has never (and probably will never) be popular. If I'm feeling uncharitable I put it down to the crass, depthless and unthinking inanity of people; in a more reflective - and realistic - mood, it's clear that this genre does nothing to endear itself to popular taste.
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Wilytank
Not a Flying Toy

Joined: Thu Jul 30, 2009 7:21 am
Posts: 5861
Location: 717
PostPosted: Mon Mar 19, 2012 7:36 pm 
 

MalignantThrone wrote:
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/Morbid_Angel/Blessed_Are_the_Sick/591/redless
Quote:
I want to kill myself now because I had been writing a review for 20 minutes and I accidentally pressed the backspace button and all was gone :(

OH GOD WHAT IS CTRL+Z HOW DID THIS GET HERE I AM NOT GOOD WITH COMPUTER


Thus, another advantage of drafting your reviews on paper first. :)
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caspian
Old Man Yells at Car Park

Joined: Tue Dec 07, 2004 11:29 pm
Posts: 6414
Location: Australia
PostPosted: Tue Mar 20, 2012 4:39 am 
 

from a battle hymns MMXI review

Quote:
The riffs of this album have been tuned down an entire octave and it sounds a lot more rough than its predecessor.


Hmm, really.
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Acrobat
Eric Olthwaite

Joined: Fri Jul 06, 2007 8:53 am
Posts: 8854
Location: Yorkshire
PostPosted: Tue Mar 20, 2012 7:27 am 
 

Hahah, it'd be hilarious if it actually was tuned down a whole octave. If you don't have any musical knowledge you should probably avoid technical terms!
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OzzyApu
Metal freak

Joined: Fri Oct 13, 2006 12:11 am
Posts: 10821
Location: Seattle
PostPosted: Tue Mar 20, 2012 12:58 pm 
 

Gutterscream, I'm sorry you had to approve all those CF reviews.
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MalignantThrone
Vanished in the Cosmic Futility

Joined: Tue May 31, 2011 1:24 am
Posts: 2789
PostPosted: Tue Mar 20, 2012 1:03 pm 
 

So I read ConorFynes's new review for Lykathea Aflame's Elvenefris and my fanboy-butthurt kicked in after noticing he gave it a score less than 90%. Then I read this:
Quote:
For those already familiar with death metal, Lykathea Aflame's heavier elements lean towards the niche of 'brutal death metal'; a pummelling brand of death metal that is best represented by its low guttural vocals, and- as one may have guessed by the name- a hyberbolic sense of brutality. Although the incredibly low vocals of Radim Matìjka plant Lykathea Aflame firmly within that particular school of death metal,

1. Radim Matijka wasn't even in the band at that point.
2. Lykathea Aflame's vocals, by any of their members, sound nothing like brutal death.

Disregarded as factually inaccurate. :)
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Last edited by MalignantThrone on Tue Mar 20, 2012 1:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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OzzyApu
Metal freak

Joined: Fri Oct 13, 2006 12:11 am
Posts: 10821
Location: Seattle
PostPosted: Tue Mar 20, 2012 1:18 pm 
 

MalignantThrone wrote:
So I read ConorFynes's new review for Lykathea Aflame's Elvenefris and my fanboy-butthurt kicked in after noticing he gave it a score less than 80%. Then I read this:
Quote:
For those already familiar with death metal, Lykathea Aflame's heavier elements lean towards the niche of 'brutal death metal'; a pummelling brand of death metal that is best represented by its low guttural vocals, and- as one may have guessed by the name- a hyberbolic sense of brutality. Although the incredibly low vocals of Radim Matìjka plant Lykathea Aflame firmly within that particular school of death metal,

1. Radim Matijka wasn't even in the band at that point.
2. Lykathea Aflame's vocals, by any of their members, sound nothing like brutal death.

Disregarded as factually inaccurate. :)

:lol: :durr: :lol: :durr: :lol: :durr:
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hakarl
Metel fraek

Joined: Sat Sep 29, 2007 1:41 pm
Posts: 8816
Location: Finland
PostPosted: Tue Mar 20, 2012 1:23 pm 
 

They sound like uncupped vocal fry growls. They are neither very similar or very different to the usual brutal death metal fare.
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MalignantThrone
Vanished in the Cosmic Futility

Joined: Tue May 31, 2011 1:24 am
Posts: 2789
PostPosted: Tue Mar 20, 2012 3:04 pm 
 

You know, I wonder if ConorFynes has ever come to this thread and seen how much everybody hates him. :lol:
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bronxeel
Metalhead

Joined: Wed Aug 31, 2011 12:58 am
Posts: 540
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue Mar 20, 2012 4:19 pm 
 

MalignantThrone wrote:
You know, I wonder if ConorFynes has ever come to this thread and seen how much everybody hates him. :lol:


Wow. That guy posted 52 reviews today.

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Metal_Detector
Reticular Modular Unit

Joined: Fri Oct 08, 2010 9:15 pm
Posts: 2176
Location: Japan
PostPosted: Tue Mar 20, 2012 5:07 pm 
 

Of course he knows. He's posted in this very forum before. I think he's still submitting just to spite those who hate him.
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Necroticism174
Kite String Popper

Joined: Mon Mar 30, 2009 6:46 pm
Posts: 5352
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Tue Mar 20, 2012 5:39 pm 
 

Which seems like the most pointless thing ever.
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Wilytank
Not a Flying Toy

Joined: Thu Jul 30, 2009 7:21 am
Posts: 5861
Location: 717
PostPosted: Tue Mar 20, 2012 7:45 pm 
 

Metal_Detector wrote:
Of course he knows. He's posted in this very forum before. I think he's still submitting just to spite those who hate him.


You know that doesn't mean anything right? He's only posted 7 times. All in November of 2010.
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~Guest 82538
Metal freak

Joined: Thu Sep 28, 2006 10:34 am
Posts: 6400
PostPosted: Tue Mar 20, 2012 8:46 pm 
 

I hate to bash a fellow reviewer, and I was actually going to read CF's review of Watchtower's debut but his first sentence changed my mind fast, really fast!

ConorFynes wrote:
At a time when 'being thrash' usually amounted to little more than playing fast and gurgling into a microphone, a band from Texas sought to change everything.

Seriously???

Also, now I know that Demilich are famous because Antti Boman single-handedly invented brutal death metal vocals! :lol:

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Empyreal
The Final Frontier

Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2006 6:58 pm
Posts: 35182
Location: Where the dead rule the night
PostPosted: Tue Mar 20, 2012 9:11 pm 
 

Semantics, nothing more. It's just an adjective used to describe something offhand.

He is a pretty bad reviewer though. Just not much content to his stuff.
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Necroticism174
Kite String Popper

Joined: Mon Mar 30, 2009 6:46 pm
Posts: 5352
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Tue Mar 20, 2012 9:14 pm 
 

But he does serve a purpose : he makes you appreciate the good reviewers that much more.
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theposaga about a Moonblood rehearsal wrote:
So good. Makes me want to break up with my girlfriend, quit my job and never move out of my parents house. Just totally destroy my life for Satan.

http://halberddoom.bandcamp.com/releases

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~Guest 82538
Metal freak

Joined: Thu Sep 28, 2006 10:34 am
Posts: 6400
PostPosted: Tue Mar 20, 2012 9:28 pm 
 

Empyreal wrote:
Semantics, nothing more. It's just an adjective used to describe something offhand.

Uhm, something like saying "barking at the microphone"? That would make some sense. Mind you that I'm not a native English speaker, but I immediately associated it with other type of vocals not present in thrash.

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Empyreal
The Final Frontier

Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2006 6:58 pm
Posts: 35182
Location: Where the dead rule the night
PostPosted: Tue Mar 20, 2012 9:33 pm 
 

It's just not anything that's worth complaining about. It's one adjective used in a sentence that doesn't even affect the rest of the review, and so it just seems like needless bitching and moaning. Eh.
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Metal_Detector
Reticular Modular Unit

Joined: Fri Oct 08, 2010 9:15 pm
Posts: 2176
Location: Japan
PostPosted: Tue Mar 20, 2012 9:38 pm 
 

It's a verb. :lol:

But I do agree with your point, Empyreal. Many of these things might be ignored if a different reviewer wrote them, or merely laughed at. There's a vitriol towards ConorFynes that's so strong it almost makes me uncomfortable. After all, many of you would be in the same boat as he if you wrote nearly as much as he does. I know I would. :boo:
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Necroticism174
Kite String Popper

Joined: Mon Mar 30, 2009 6:46 pm
Posts: 5352
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Tue Mar 20, 2012 9:53 pm 
 

It's funny that you should mention the quantity thing. Maybe he should write less, but put more time into actually writing non-shitty reviews.
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theposaga about a Moonblood rehearsal wrote:
So good. Makes me want to break up with my girlfriend, quit my job and never move out of my parents house. Just totally destroy my life for Satan.

http://halberddoom.bandcamp.com/releases

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hakarl
Metel fraek

Joined: Sat Sep 29, 2007 1:41 pm
Posts: 8816
Location: Finland
PostPosted: Wed Mar 21, 2012 6:00 am 
 

I got a little guffaw out of autothrall's Horna live album Vihan Tiellä review. He succesfully spelled Örkkivuorilta, Perimä Vihassa Ja Verikostossa etc, but then stopped bothering to copypaste and typoed up garbage like Maista Kaipuu (Musta Kaipuu), which would actually translate to as "taste yearning" rather than "black yearning", and complete nonsense like Sielhuhaaksa (Sieluhaaska).
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autothrall
Metal newbie

Joined: Fri Apr 24, 2009 10:05 am
Posts: 255
Location: United States
PostPosted: Wed Mar 21, 2012 6:08 am 
 

Ilwhyan wrote:
I got a little guffaw out of autothrall's Horna live album Vihan Tiellä review. He succesfully spelled Örkkivuorilta, Perimä Vihassa Ja Verikostossa etc, but then stopped bothering to copypaste and typoed up garbage like Maista Kaipuu (Musta Kaipuu), which would actually translate to as "taste yearning" rather than "black yearning", and complete nonsense like Sielhuhaaksa (Sieluhaaska).


Just what I needed before the morning coffee, a reminder of my nonexistent Finnish understanding.

Hehe. I shall make these corrections, thanks for pointing them out.
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