the fact that in 2016 we have a Metallica album that not only doesn't suck (YOU HEARD ME, YOU TRYHARD EDGY TEENAGE FUCKS)

For this album is the first since the self-titled to be exactly as it appears. There is none of the intriguing collision of personality that made Load and St. Anger so fascinating, no experimentation that reveals itself gradually over many listens, no question as to what the intentions of this seventy-four minute marathon are. Metallica have simply been kicked in the teeth so many times that, finally, they have acquiesced to the begging of their fans and gone somewhere they’ve already been before. Your bitching has finally broken them and, at times, it does almost seems like a good thing to have a new Metallica album to pop into the player and just listen to without feeling challenged to find reason (or even justification). It’s familiar ground, with that Metallica smell you’ve known since puberty, something like cummy sweatsocks, incense and vodka. But alas, such familiarity is a breeding ground for the blackest of contempt.

Metallica have waxed and waned in ways both subtle and profound since they last cut a thrash record, and with Death Magnetic they’re playing to strengths that have atrophied significantly in the past twenty years. It was unfair to compare Load to Master of Puppets because in every respect they were meant to be different records; Death Magnetic so adamantly slots itself in next to their original masterpieces that it’s impossible to judge the album in vacuum. Where classic Metallica songs were often long, it was because each track was stuffed to the brim with ideas, ideas paced to perfection, seldom overstaying their welcome and each inspiring headbanging satisfaction like few other bands ever could. Death Magnetic songs are long because old Metallica songs were long, and people really like old Metallica songs. Songs as swollen as Ulrich’s prostate are the order of the day here, the chugging amelodic “Disposable Heroes” seemingly being the primary template for interminable bores like “The End of the Line” and “Broken, Beat & Scarred”. I’ve heard it said that every song here feels two minutes too long, and while that’s not always true, on an album this long that’s probably accurate as a rough average. And God… look away from “The Day That Never Comes”, one of the most baffling choices for a single 2008 has yet seen.

It’s easy enough to draw further analogues to the length issue in every aspect of this record. There were instrumentals on old Metallica albums because the band had compositional ideas that were ill-suited to conventional song formats, so they wrote pieces that were almost classical in scope and construction. The new one has an instrumental because they always used to do instrumentals, and as a result the battery-drained “Suicide & Redemption” winds up a bigger waste of ten minutes than anything they've previously coughed up, in spite of some Hammettian heroics. At least “All Within My Hands” and “Invisible Kid” were fascinating car wrecks. Hetfield’s lyrics used to be angry because his life was in turmoil, a turmoil caused in part by the grating falseness of ‘80s popular culture. By now, you can guess why the lyrics are angry on Death Magnetic. This piffle isn’t the work of the lyricist who so memorably blossomed on Load; it’s that same lyricist twelve years later, denied artistic relevance and reduced to lines like “Searched the seas of gold/How come it’s got so cold?”. Hell, even the overly loud, bass-less production might be some kind of perverse throwback to their earlier work.

and the kickass political lyrics that Megadeth wishes it could be! "I'm not a patriot, just a hate-triot!" Hell yeah!

From the new Tempo of the Damned review.



I don't think I've ever actually heard anyone praise that particular lyric. It usually receives laughter and ridicule.

Makes me want to call it Hat Riot, a band about rioting hats.

It's also a summary of Gorgoroth's early career.

Random question for Empyreal about his Serious Black review: I'm guessing you reviewed the regular edition rather than the limited edition based on the songs you mentioned? What are your thoughts on how the band split the two versions? I feel like making the limited edition almost twice as long is totally disingenuous.

I didn't hear the limited edition just because you have to buy it and it's like 20 bucks or some shit. I wasn't willing to pay that much for it. Maybe if it was $10 I would have. Same thing for the debut which also had a bunch of bonus tracks - but I couldn't justify paying like $25 or something, as I barely ever listened to it after the initial hype wore off. Just not good enough to warrant paying that much honestly.

Well, if you've ever wanted an album that makes Time I sound like an early Discharge 7", you've found it.

As far as I remember, once there was a 75% review (by Lich Coldheart?) for "Thrash or Die", why was it banished?

It wasn't banished. It's just I was no longer happy with the way it turned out so I took it down. There's a new draft waiting to be written some day.

Hi, Lemiserable.

Not even. LeMis took everything down whenever his views were challenged and he was a hardened pro when it came to passive aggressive whining. Lich just not being happy with his own work is fine and nowhere near as insipid.

Oh and speak of the devil, there's another one up.

Ah and here I thought I did well in the review trying to explain how it is indeed not hyperbolic - hearing a single song off the album once isn't all that bad at all, but the album as a whole just gets more and more excruciating with each song.

Oh and speak of the devil, there's another one up.

The whole give Enmity and Waking the Cadaver 0% bandwagon is so fucking lame. The majority of people who have done that for WtC don't even seem to understand the style they're reviewing.