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theunrelentingattack
Metalhead

Joined: Wed Sep 14, 2011 5:18 pm
Posts: 424
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sat Dec 28, 2013 11:14 pm 
 

A moderator will review and keep it or reject it. Most of the time it's cut and dry and yes, earlier years the site wasn't as strict on reviews as they are now. We have a debate now and again on things. Your point on Warlord is taken, no need to keep making it. If another Mod wishes to look it over and reject it, they may.
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Zodijackyl
Lazy Wizard

Joined: Wed Apr 30, 2008 5:39 pm
Posts: 4517
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sun Dec 29, 2013 2:17 pm 
 

I'm fine with Boris' Warlord review, it's not great but it was a marginally worthwhile brief read.

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lord_ghengis
Metal freak

Joined: Mon Dec 04, 2006 8:31 pm
Posts: 5268
Location: Australia
PostPosted: Sun Dec 29, 2013 7:34 pm 
 

Anyone else think the new Mayhem review is worthless? Other than "simple" and "muddy" all the dude talks about is "how it'll totally change your life mang".
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VariedTastes
Metal newbie

Joined: Sun Sep 22, 2013 2:24 pm
Posts: 140
Location: United States
PostPosted: Mon Dec 30, 2013 2:53 am 
 

I actually read that for a second time now because of you. Thanks for that... But yes, it's a pointless review for an album literally everyone's heard and knows about that adds nothing. Plus, his comma use, is atrocious,.
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AcidWorm
Veteran

Joined: Wed Dec 22, 2010 11:37 pm
Posts: 2602
PostPosted: Mon Dec 30, 2013 7:27 pm 
 

Yeah that Mayhem review is pretty bad. It's been a while since I have seen someone try and describe the music in that many words without actually describing it. It's obvious English is not his first language which is fine, but someone does need to teach him the appropriate usage of commas. "Simplicity, is often misjudged as mediocrity, but this album couldn't prove such statement more wrong, the song "(Weird) Manheim", starts out with a haunting, droning piano passage, which soon turns to a siege of angry pounding drums, fast unforgiving riffs, loud, screeching vocals, and surprisingly loud bass. Such an impressive feat, in an otherwise, mostly mundane genre, cannot be quite considered as mediocre."
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tanabata wrote:
I heard one of the moderators blacklisted them because of his subjective opinion. Well If that is the case, you sir have shit taste and you ain't my nigga!

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theunrelentingattack
Metalhead

Joined: Wed Sep 14, 2011 5:18 pm
Posts: 424
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue Dec 31, 2013 11:32 am 
 

I've actually edited down the massive use of commas and shot him a note to learn how to use them. Quite maddening to see so many.
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HK_T3
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Tue Dec 31, 2013 2:06 pm
Posts: 3
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue Dec 31, 2013 2:36 pm 
 

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/A ... ls_unicorn

Nearly half of the actual review isn't even discussing the album, but more of talking about the music scene at the name/comparing this album to Black Sabbath's impact of doom on metal. Comparing a band of the past to a present-band is never bad, it just has it's limits. Here, though, the reviewer makes it out like Alice In Chains were Black Sabbath's most enthusiastic #1 fans, and at every turn he finds some way to compare the two.

Nearly any metal band since the 1970s have had some influence, direct and indirect, from Black Sabbath. The problem here is that there's a difference between "influence" and "copying". We can certainly hear the influence of Black Sabbath, but that doesn't mean that it was directly copied off. That's like arguing and bashing the 80s thrash bands for the influence from the British heavy metal bands at around the same time.

Over all, too little is talked on the actual album on its own, and too much is compared to other artists.

------
Speaking of Dirt, here's another review on it that's just poor.

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/A ... talwontdie

The first half of the review is alright, but it falls apart pretty fast when it makes statements without showing any proof. For example, the reviewer here says that the album is "too long", some of the songs "go on too long", and there is "restrained and minimalistic approach to songwriting". Okay.... What songs are too long? What songs have bad writing? He makes no effort to directly mention any specific song and why it's bad, except for "Iron Gland" and how it was just filler.

If you're saying that a band is overrated, and that bands in the past of done the same thing in better quality, it helps to mention which bands have done better, and where exactly the falls of this album are. Otherwise all you've done is made a template for every generic criticism of a band without having to do any research about them.

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iamntbatman
Chaos Breed

Joined: Sat Feb 21, 2009 5:55 am
Posts: 6663
Location: Innsmouth
PostPosted: Tue Dec 31, 2013 3:14 pm 
 

Someone's got an agenda, methinks.

Anyway, even with the absolutely ridiculous intro to hells_unicorn's review (everything done in music between 1992 and 1996 had already been done between 1970 and 1975!) the actual review content in both reviews certainly meets our standards.

Next time you have an album whose average score you'd like to see go up, perhaps try to be a bit more subtle about it?
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lord_ghengis
Metal freak

Joined: Mon Dec 04, 2006 8:31 pm
Posts: 5268
Location: Australia
PostPosted: Tue Dec 31, 2013 4:44 pm 
 

"The album goes on too long" needs extra explanation?
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CoF
Metalhead

Joined: Thu Apr 14, 2005 4:25 pm
Posts: 446
Location: Germany
PostPosted: Wed Jan 01, 2014 8:52 pm 
 

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/T ... Atheist666

It's sad how few reviews exist for Threshold albums prior to Dead Reckoning, but that's a different topic. Still, this is just too simple to qualify as deserving to be published, in my opinion.
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Zodijackyl
Lazy Wizard

Joined: Wed Apr 30, 2008 5:39 pm
Posts: 4517
Location: United States
PostPosted: Wed Jan 01, 2014 9:18 pm 
 

Oh man, that one was really bad.

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wrathchild_88
Metal newbie

Joined: Tue Mar 14, 2006 4:16 pm
Posts: 273
Location: United Kingdom
PostPosted: Sat Jan 04, 2014 8:48 am 
 

There's a couple of reviews for Bloodbath's Nightmares Made Flesh that are a bit thin on the ground... Neither are particularly terrible, but they're short and don't add anything to the other 9 reviews.

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/B ... isanthrope
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/B ... /Dawndeath
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theunrelentingattack
Metalhead

Joined: Wed Sep 14, 2011 5:18 pm
Posts: 424
Location: United States
PostPosted: Wed Jan 08, 2014 8:05 pm 
 

wrathchild_88 wrote:
There's a couple of reviews for Bloodbath's Nightmares Made Flesh that are a bit thin on the ground... Neither are particularly terrible, but they're short and don't add anything to the other 9 reviews.

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/B ... isanthrope
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/B ... /Dawndeath


I rejected the first one. It wasn't good. The second isn't great either but it does talk about the music at least, so I'm inclined to keep that one.
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Lane
Metal newbie

Joined: Sat Nov 09, 2002 11:54 am
Posts: 118
Location: Finland
PostPosted: Fri Jan 10, 2014 8:13 am 
 

What does this UltraBoris's review for Helloween's 'Pink Bubbles Go Ape' say?!

"This album is not nearly as awful as people would like to think it is. In fact, I dare say it's better than Keeper I, in that there is more content and less filler. The content isn't quite as strong, but it is close. Even the closing ballad, "Your Turn" is pretty decent, and completely blows away "A Tale That Wasn't RIght".

Best song: you'd be surprised, it's "Heavy Metal Hamsters". Totally and completely well-written, despite the goofball title. "Kids of the Century" and "The Chance" are also very nice. There are no overtly bad songs on here, really. Sometimes I have no idea what they are trying to say lyrically ("I'm Doing Fine Crazy Man"???) but the music is solid.

A very good album. Oh and the album cover makes no fucking sense either. Learn to deal with the absurd."

Yeah, makes so fucking sense, so to speak.
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Ilwhyan
Metel fraek

Joined: Sat Sep 29, 2007 1:41 pm
Posts: 6168
Location: Finland
PostPosted: Sat Jan 11, 2014 11:33 am 
 

Ultimately, UltraBoris' reviews do nothing but assert opinions. There's rarely much musical description aside from merely pointing out some general aspects that are either good or bad to him. Still, I don't think that review deserves to go.
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vigaljot
Metal newbie

Joined: Fri Jul 02, 2004 2:28 pm
Posts: 301
Location: Italy
PostPosted: Mon Jan 13, 2014 12:28 am 
 

Emperor - Prometheus

What... was... that?? - 36%
UltraBoris, April 20th, 2003



PrevNextFirstLast
Well, I listened to the whole thing in entirety... (which is saying something, since some albums don't even make it that far) and I can't remember anything outstanding from the whole thing! There's a few parts that made me think "hey this sucks more than average" and some parts that are "well, this is better than average" but unfortunately none of this really shone through to the end.

The worst... probably the whispering vocals. I'm sorry, but whispering is not metal. See the intro. Then it crops up in some other parts too. Also, the "oh dear I've really got a stomachache" vocals which are not whispered but are just as bad. They just kinda drop all the guitars and bring in... that. Otherwise, I really can't differentiate between the actual songs - it seems like one long passage that never really goes anywhere. Sure there's the occasional cool riff, but I couldn't tell you where it is. For the most part it's a lot of random guitar and keyboard parts, the occasional annoying drumwork (though not as prevalent as some other albums, like the new Cradle of Filth for example)... and then a lot of general snoozework that just doesn't go anywhere or do anything.

The vocals are not nearly as geigh on average as in those few segments, but they really don't do much either. The lyrics are incomprehensible and there's a lot of dragged-out shrieking that would make Dani Filth proud. It's not an abysmally bad album, when all is said and done, but there really isn't any section that remains overwhelmingly cool for more than about 30 seconds. Just a lot of mishmash, a lot of random crap thrown in, just because. (See also: Dimmu Borgir.) I think if they took all the cool riffs and put them together, there would one good five-minute song... but they managed to distribute it over about 52 minutes or whatever, and managed to do this distribution so evenly, that one would be hard-pressed to dig up all the good stuff and splice it together again. Otherwise, it's just pseudo-random guitar and keyboard parts that really don't make any sense.

Well, there's something I never have to listen to again.
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AcidWorm
Veteran

Joined: Wed Dec 22, 2010 11:37 pm
Posts: 2602
PostPosted: Fri Jan 17, 2014 3:14 am 
 

This is why Boris should not have reviewed black metal. That Helloween review is terrible as well, and another one of his short reviews that is just commentary with almost no musical description.
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In reference to Baby Metal
tanabata wrote:
I heard one of the moderators blacklisted them because of his subjective opinion. Well If that is the case, you sir have shit taste and you ain't my nigga!

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lord_ghengis
Metal freak

Joined: Mon Dec 04, 2006 8:31 pm
Posts: 5268
Location: Australia
PostPosted: Fri Jan 17, 2014 5:42 pm 
 

As much as I hate to see old history die, yeah there's no way that pink bubbles go ape one should stay, the Emperor can slide for me though.
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lothariel
Metal newbie

Joined: Sat Jul 13, 2013 5:20 am
Posts: 32
PostPosted: Tue Jan 21, 2014 6:36 am 
 

This dude is trolling the review section of MA, His reviews are all 0% and look at the title of his reviews, It's clearly flame bait trolling.

http://www.metal-archives.com/user-reviews/bitterman

He even rated Disincarnate's Dreams of the Carrion kind 0%? Like seriously?

Please ban this troll.

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lord_ghengis
Metal freak

Joined: Mon Dec 04, 2006 8:31 pm
Posts: 5268
Location: Australia
PostPosted: Tue Jan 21, 2014 7:04 am 
 

Bitter? Man? Can't say I've ever heard of him. Please enlighten us with your groundbreaking discovery.
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iamntbatman
Chaos Breed

Joined: Sat Feb 21, 2009 5:55 am
Posts: 6663
Location: Innsmouth
PostPosted: Tue Jan 21, 2014 5:09 pm 
 

Hmm, interesting. Provide links to any of his reviews that violate our review guidelines and we will promptly delete them.
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AcidWorm
Veteran

Joined: Wed Dec 22, 2010 11:37 pm
Posts: 2602
PostPosted: Wed Jan 22, 2014 12:43 am 
 

Bitterman and his reviews have been brought up many times. Sure the dude's agenda is to be an attention whore and he exaggerates greatly to serve this purpose but the reviews I read still meet all the guidelines.
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tanabata wrote:
I heard one of the moderators blacklisted them because of his subjective opinion. Well If that is the case, you sir have shit taste and you ain't my nigga!

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wrathchild_88
Metal newbie

Joined: Tue Mar 14, 2006 4:16 pm
Posts: 273
Location: United Kingdom
PostPosted: Fri Jan 31, 2014 11:49 am 
 

This guy brainsmasher's first few reviews are quite poor. The rest aren't too bad aside from occasionally being a wall of text, but these are the worst offenders:

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/K ... ainsmasher
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/D ... ainsmasher
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/F ... ainsmasher

I guess anyone who started off with "well I dislike writing reviews..." wasn't going to be great.
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John_Sunlight
Comrade!

Joined: Tue Apr 20, 2010 4:41 am
Posts: 4569
PostPosted: Fri Jan 31, 2014 9:43 pm 
 

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/P ... ome/28263/

Makes the sole point that the sound quality is bad and claims to be unable to hear the drums.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zArYJLbvQMk

Even on this low quality yootoob upload the drums and every other instrument is perfectly discernible.
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Xenokrist
Metal newbie

Joined: Sun Oct 21, 2012 1:03 am
Posts: 52
Location: United States
PostPosted: Mon Feb 10, 2014 8:54 pm 
 

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/T ... brocashelm
Not even a review, doesn't even describe the music at all, and half of it is just a story about how he got the album.

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Zodijackyl
Lazy Wizard

Joined: Wed Apr 30, 2008 5:39 pm
Posts: 4517
Location: United States
PostPosted: Mon Feb 10, 2014 10:54 pm 
 

That one was pretty bad.

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OzzyApu
Metal freak

Joined: Fri Oct 13, 2006 12:11 am
Posts: 9419
Location: Seattle, United States
PostPosted: Tue Feb 11, 2014 9:25 pm 
 

OzzyApu wrote:
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/Heathen/Victims_of_Deception/1412/BaronVonK

This review sucks.

...

You cannot keep this review after opening this spoiler box.
Spoiler: show
That's the entire thing, and only that middle paragraph has any real description. Rest is fluff, and yes those are 1 sentence paragraphs.
Quote:
I fail to see what they hype about it is
:|
Quote:
the best feature of this album is are the leads
:(
Quote:
remincient of Geoff Tate
:o
Quote:
he's somewhat inapropriate for the music
:eek:
Quote:
the music it's self
:annoyed:
Quote:
sound seperate at times.
:cry:
Quote:
Probably the hilight song
:fuck:
Quote:
I would not reccomend this album if you have simmilar tastes to me, but probably reccomend it
:crash:

I was looking up Tate stuff and came across this year old post I made. Figured mentioning it again since it may have gotten passed over. I'll accept that there is musical description, but is this one still necessary? There are 17 other reviews that aren't plagued with as many problems as this.
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Subrick
Metal freak

Joined: Sun Sep 12, 2010 7:27 pm
Posts: 5400
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue Feb 11, 2014 9:29 pm 
 

Oh it's gone. It's long gone.
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OzzyApu
Metal freak

Joined: Fri Oct 13, 2006 12:11 am
Posts: 9419
Location: Seattle, United States
PostPosted: Tue Feb 11, 2014 10:02 pm 
 

Ah, good stuff. Nice and quick kill.
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severzhavnost
Metalhead

Joined: Sun Oct 12, 2008 10:16 pm
Posts: 408
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Thu Feb 13, 2014 9:15 am 
 

May want to toss this one: http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/Týr/The_Lay_of_Thrym/302244/headtrip

The bulk of the skimpy musical description is that the album is "happy", "gay" and "melodic", while also criticizing the singer for sounding like Hetfield. He does not. Then comes a lot of griping about how Metallica sold out. How is that relevant to a Tyr review?

Also this: "all attempted Nordic culture delving is quashed by all lyrics being in English. That immediatley destroys whatever aura these guys seek to leave". First, that's wrong. "Konning Hans" and "Ellindur Bondi a Jadri" don't sound like English to me! Besides the premise is retarded. You can so make a solid Nordic atmosphere while singing in English.

This review leaves me with either no idea, or an incorrect idea, about what this album sounds like.
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MutantClannfear
Metalhead

Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 12:12 am
Posts: 1926
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sat Feb 22, 2014 5:58 am 
 

Can this be shown the door? http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/G ... g/37942/kd

Quote:
Damn, I love these Japanese bands. They know how to play brutal death with lots of groove, I've said it a thousands times already, I know.. But I simply cannot stress the point of groove enough. This three-song demo(conincidentally, fellow Japanese slammers Disconformity had a 3-song opus of brutality) shows their skills. Emphasis on crunchy riffs, mid-pace tempos, and deep vocals. The vocals also sounds like the ex-Vomit Remnants vocalist. This band's sound is not quite as mature as Disconformity, but they still come off sounding very well. Hope to hear another demo, from these guys, or maybe even a full-length album. Hey, I'd even settle for 3-4 tracks on a split? Split with Disconformity? I wish!


I'm planning on reviewing this band's material soon, so there's no reason to keep something like this around.
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Azmodes
Dweller of the Styrian Depths

Joined: Fri Nov 02, 2007 10:44 am
Posts: 5113
Location: Graz, Austria
PostPosted: Sat Feb 22, 2014 7:44 am 
 

Gone.
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Woolie_Wool
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2006 6:56 pm
Posts: 1495
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sat Feb 22, 2014 2:40 pm 
 

I hope more people quote the truly memorable terrible reviews in full so posterity can point and gawk at them. Not even the Wayback Machine has the "how many more Columbines" review of Load and I almost certainly would have gotten a laugh out of that.

"COLUMBINE, MAN! You guys are killing our CHILDREEEEEEEN!"
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Scorntyrant wrote:
AcidWorm wrote:
To replace an extreme, you need to find a new extreme, so it makes sense that [Pete Sandoval] would take Christianity to the extreme.


Too extreme.

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lord_ghengis
Metal freak

Joined: Mon Dec 04, 2006 8:31 pm
Posts: 5268
Location: Australia
PostPosted: Sat Feb 22, 2014 4:44 pm 
 

I always like it when people post a quote of like 40 words, leaving me to assume its an excerpt, but then I check and it winds up being the whole thing.
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Diamhea
Metalhead

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
Posts: 2484
Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Sat Feb 22, 2014 7:14 pm 
 

Ilwhyan wrote:
Ultimately, UltraBoris' reviews do nothing but assert opinions. There's rarely much musical description aside from merely pointing out some general aspects that are either good or bad to him. Still, I don't think that review deserves to go.


Generally yes. He will, however, pull it together really effectively for some select reviews. I'm not sure why, but ones like his Cirith Ungol - King of the Dead review are very well written and concise. Its almost like it is an entirely different reviewer, but whatever.
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Woolie_Wool
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2006 6:56 pm
Posts: 1495
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sat Feb 22, 2014 8:38 pm 
 

I like his reviews just for the fact that if he likes something it is almost certain that I will also like it (although the reverse is not always true--I like some things he's trashed) so I can take his endorsement as a good reason to buy the record.
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Scorntyrant wrote:
AcidWorm wrote:
To replace an extreme, you need to find a new extreme, so it makes sense that [Pete Sandoval] would take Christianity to the extreme.


Too extreme.

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Empyreal
The Final Frontier

Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2006 6:58 pm
Posts: 18171
Location: Where the dead rule the night
PostPosted: Sat Feb 22, 2014 11:56 pm 
 

UB's reviews could be a bit too brief, but I like them better than many big reviewers we have now.
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vigaljot
Metal newbie

Joined: Fri Jul 02, 2004 2:28 pm
Posts: 301
Location: Italy
PostPosted: Mon Mar 03, 2014 4:24 am 
 

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/E ... s_the_kvlt

Can´t see any real description of the music, the review just abunds with adjectives like "great" and "amazing"
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Depersonalizationilosophy
Metal newbie

Joined: Tue Oct 02, 2012 2:51 pm
Posts: 33
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sun Mar 09, 2014 9:26 pm 
 

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/B ... etal_vomit

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Grave_Wyrm
Metalhead

Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2012 5:55 pm
Posts: 1819
Location: In the Open Sea
PostPosted: Sun Mar 09, 2014 10:10 pm 
 

I don't know if it's nuke-worthy, but I hate it. Literally the definition of a track by track (done worthlessly), and dull as waiting for a traffic light.

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/K ... 2706/Snxke

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