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Grave_Wyrm
Metal Sloth

Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2012 5:55 pm
Posts: 3928
PostPosted: Tue Apr 21, 2015 6:02 pm 
 

severzhavnost wrote:
Motion to make asinine attacks on who you think might listen to an album, grounds for auto-rejection/deletion?

Pretty sure some of the Basterd's and MCF's otherwise perfectly good reviews would crumble as a result of this ruling. As such, I vote* no. Motion to amend to consider this particular author a reactionary twerp.



*and by "vote," I mean in the sense of a bleeder-seat podling muttering while it chews on peanuts and gets the shells caught in his shoe treads.
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Kveldulfr
Veteran

Joined: Thu Feb 16, 2012 12:01 pm
Posts: 3698
Location: Nowhere
PostPosted: Wed Apr 22, 2015 8:46 am 
 

Grave_Wyrm wrote:
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/Ved_Buens_Ende/Written_in_Waters/2302/Cheeses_Priced/5966

This review should be reviewed, I think. I'm not against its score, or the author's dislike. I just think it's lazy and a borderline blight. I'm guessing the content will probably just clear the minimum requirements. Fitting, since it required a minimum of effort to produce. Ugh I hate that trollish title.


Mentioning Opeth in a VBE review tells me that the guy probably think Opeth 'invented' the nonstructured songwriting (as many other miserable guys think)

I don't think it'll get erased but it's a quite shitty review, done by a guy who obviously doesn't like the genre/style the band does and doesn't understand it much either.
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PhilosophicalFrog
The Hypercube

Joined: Thu May 04, 2006 7:08 pm
Posts: 7631
Location: United States
PostPosted: Wed Apr 22, 2015 4:03 pm 
 

UGH. this guy has a whole profile filled with shitty reviews that are just "usbm is poser" - at least he mentions the music.

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/W ... Face/38250
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Acrobat
Eric Olthwaite

Joined: Fri Jul 06, 2007 8:53 am
Posts: 8854
Location: Yorkshire
PostPosted: Thu Apr 23, 2015 9:53 am 
 

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/H ... Strike/246 - dodgy grammar and poor formatting.
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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
Posts: 9275
Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Thu Apr 23, 2015 12:21 pm 
 

poof

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Grave_Wyrm
Metal Sloth

Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2012 5:55 pm
Posts: 3928
PostPosted: Thu Apr 23, 2015 12:36 pm 
 

Kveldulfr wrote:
Mentioning Opeth in a VBE review tells me that the guy probably think Opeth 'invented' the nonstructured songwriting (as many other miserable guys think)

lol poor fucks.
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thrashmaniac87
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Feb 21, 2006 6:58 pm
Posts: 747
Location: United States
PostPosted: Thu Apr 23, 2015 6:03 pm 
 

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/H ... rtal/73868

I'm not sure if this is worthy of deletion but it's a track by track and the first block is a real eye sore.
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severzhavnost
Something Stupid

Joined: Sun Oct 12, 2008 10:16 pm
Posts: 2952
Location: Ottawa
PostPosted: Thu Apr 23, 2015 7:29 pm 
 

This one's pretty useless:
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/V ... nmaiden/30

Musical description consists of "great Lemmy style voice" (okay that actually does mean something), "few tracks on here that kick much ass", and "have great riffs"; then some that are "gay".

Spoiler: show
Venom's late-80s output gets no respect. Common opinion seems to be that they jumped the proverbial shark around At War With Satan.... after Possessed, Mantas left, but Cronos soldiered on, taking Venom down a more melodic route. Calm Before the Storm is a great album... 80s metal with a rough edged Venom twist. Somehow, Mr. Mantas got the Venom name, and pulled in Tony Dolan (from Atomkraft) to fill Cronos' shoes. Big shoes to fill, but this guy has a great Lemmy style voice, and does just fine.

There are a few tracks on here that kick much ass and remind me of Black Metal... Carnivorous, Harder Than Ever, and (my favorite) Skeletal Dance. The punk elements are gone. Skeletal Dance, Into the Fire... songs like these have great riffs, and had they been included on Venom's earlier output, more people would sing their praises. Skool Daze is a really gay song, so is cowbell and keyboard hit filled Megalomania.

They were apparently aiming for a mainstream audience... HAHAHAHA. Good one. A band legendary for sporting pentagrams and founding black metal just don't work as Bon Jovi jr. Prime Evil is solid metal and fans of Venom need it
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Metantoine
Slave to Santa

Joined: Sat Jun 21, 2008 5:00 pm
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Location: Montréal
PostPosted: Thu Apr 23, 2015 7:54 pm 
 

I used my evil powers to nuke it into oblivion.
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Subrick
Metal Strongman

Joined: Sun Sep 12, 2010 7:27 pm
Posts: 10167
Location: United States
PostPosted: Thu Apr 23, 2015 8:36 pm 
 

Reposting one I put here on the last page that got ignored with a couple others.

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/E ... and/47727/

Zero musical description outside of calling Endor an instrumental. All he has to say is that both songs would be great if they were recorded properly and that Creeping Death was stolen from Die by His Hand, which could not be any farther from the truth.

EDIT: Fixed the link.
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Mutter from the gutter
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Fri Oct 31, 2014 1:39 pm
Posts: 25
Location: Belgium
PostPosted: Fri Apr 24, 2015 8:19 am 
 

No idea whether it was the original author who just happened to upload a review from his personal site to the archives and forgot to source it, but this seems dodgy:

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/S ... RCA/358149

http://www.servileinsurrection.com/2015 ... inate.html

Note that the upload on the personal site appeared at least eight days prior to its appearance on the archives.

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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
Posts: 9275
Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Fri Apr 24, 2015 11:39 am 
 

I emailed the original writer, we'll see what he says.

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thrashmaniac87
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Feb 21, 2006 6:58 pm
Posts: 747
Location: United States
PostPosted: Fri Apr 24, 2015 12:22 pm 
 

Shitty review for a shitty band.

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/A ... dsox/47461

Spoiler: show
Antisemitex are one of the very few national socialist bands who have ventured into death metal territory.
'Laser Holocaust' (2004) is fine proof that it can be done in a skillful and entertaining way.
Unlike their shoddy full-length released a year after Laser Holocaust, the drum programming is of a high standard
and suits the downtuned angry music that Antisemitex play.
There is no confusion over Antisemitex's music; anti-semetic, angry, and fucking good. I definately recommend this
album to anyone who is interested in the polish NS scene.
The only downside is the length of this release, which comes in at just over 16 minutes (preventing it from achieving a 95%+ review)

Standout tracks: "Przebudz sie", "The One Insane", "Intro".

Final Verdict: 85/100
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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
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Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Fri Apr 24, 2015 12:27 pm 
 

poof

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Grave_Wyrm
Metal Sloth

Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2012 5:55 pm
Posts: 3928
PostPosted: Fri Apr 24, 2015 1:20 pm 
 

Subrick wrote:
Reposting one I put here on the last page that got ignored

I doubt that many (if any) get ignored. Unless there's something worth saying about why a borderline case is preserved, why bother? "Poof" or a picture of Calbuco is enough.

Speaking of which ..
Spoiler: show
Image
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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 24, 2015 1:34 pm 
 

Subrick wrote:
Reposting one I put here on the last page that got ignored with a couple others.


poof

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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 24, 2015 2:36 pm 
 

Mutter from the gutter wrote:
No idea whether it was the original author who just happened to upload a review from his personal site to the archives and forgot to source it, but this seems dodgy:

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/S ... RCA/358149

http://www.servileinsurrection.com/2015 ... inate.html

Note that the upload on the personal site appeared at least eight days prior to its appearance on the archives.


This is clean.
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hells_unicorn
Veteran

Joined: Tue Feb 15, 2005 8:32 pm
Posts: 3056
Location: United States
PostPosted: Thu Apr 30, 2015 9:12 pm 
 

A real tedious track by track from Ultraboris' back catalog. This isn't as loaded up with bad syntax as some of his other handiwork, but I'd argue this review is worth losing.

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/N ... aBoris/147

Spoiler: show
Words cannot describe how awful this is - 33%
UltraBoris, July 9th, 2003

Seminal thrash band Nuclear Assault, the kings of the simple and effective riff work, have decided to turn their backs on excellence and release this steaming heap of turds upon the world. This album just plain fucking sucks, and that is the simplest way I can describe it.

There are THREE good songs on here... the first one, Sign in Blood. This one isn't really great - it's no Fight to be Free, but it would hold its own on Survive. Well, that or Taking Over, as it splices in the verses of Electro-Violence with an uninspired chorus. Also the middle break seizes up when it's not supposed to seize up, and as I said, it's a good song, not a great one.

Then, Stop Wait Think is pretty cool when you get past the pseudo-horror-movie cheeseball intro. It's 225 beats per minute, and then in the middle it gets vicious and crippling in the way that only Nuclear Assault can do... fucken Hell yeah.

Then, the real fucking highlight - track 8, Quocustodiat. They just pull out all the stops and go fast forward in the typical Nuclear Assault way, and this could've been something on Game Over and it wouldn't have been out of place. Fuck yeah, and I even know what the song title means... "The Keepers of Order". So there. It rides one speed into the ground, and there isn't much of a middle break, but for two and a half minutes, it is perfect.

Oh, the rest of the album. God damn, this ranges from the worthless to the uninspiring to the complete fucking ridiculous goddamn crap feces. Fashion Junkie sounds like the transition from Survive to Handle with Care taken another step further... slower, vocals more prominent in the mix, sloppier riffs.

Too Young to Die... acoustic stuff and some solid riffage but when all is said and done, the melodic verses clash with the gang choruses and they just sound like they're piecing together the last of their half-assed ideas, as all the good ones went the way of Wake Up. Preaching to the Deaf - oh man, this is slow and has stupid spoken passages and never goes anwhere. Weak again.

Resurrection picks up the pace, but the riff work is just not catchy, and then when they throw in that stupid slow chorus riff and the death vox (what the fuckety fuck) it just seems like crapfest has hit planet Earth, all humans run for your worthless lives. The post-chorus riff is kinda cool and this isn't really a bad song like some of the others on here, but it just sounds like it was thrown together in five minutes.

Doctor Butcher - what the fuck is the point of this song? It sounds like the continuation of the excellent Brain Death to the decent Emergency to this mediocre finale of the medical malpractice trilogy. The vocals are just horrible - the riffs are okay, but the two seem to have been recorded in parallel universes that only communicated with each other at mixing time. It's the Suicidal Tendencies syndrome.

Hypocrisy - this song is really fucking fast at the beginning, and then gets incoherent and stupid and the vocals still blow goats in that "I'm just kind of mumbling" sense... Ya know, then there's a really nifty pre-chorus, even if the riff sounds a bit like Quocustodiat. "Falling! Nighmare!" Or whatever the fuck it says, but then when it slows down again, it sounds like crap. Then again, even when it's fast, other than that one part, it sounds like crap. Sloppy solo over forgettable riff.

Save the Planet. What the fucking donkey-eater? It's a six minute instrumental. It's got some nifty soloing but otherwise it just doesn't make any sense because the good riff continuity is gone, and in fact now that I think about it, so are the good riffs.

Finally, we get to the "what the fuck are you thinking?" section: Ballroom Blitz. Somehow, I imagined Nuclear Assault would make this song just completely pwn, but no, they forgot to do that. Silly intro with some random talking - at least they skip the "are you ready, Bob" part, for which I thank them endlessly until the day I die, but the verse vocals are just as uninspired mumbling as in the original and they throw in the stupid drum break, and ya know what, this is just too faithful to the original... I was hoping they'd thrash this one up like a motherfucker, but they don't. Oh well.

So when all is said and done - we have a lot of unbearably bad passages that just don't do anything or go anywhere, which is really sad considering this is a top notch thrash band we're talking about... there are those three great songs but otherwise this is completely forgettable.
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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
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Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Thu Apr 30, 2015 9:29 pm 
 

Unless something has recently changed, Ultraboris reviews are exempt from purging due to historical significance and (maybe) the fact that he is an ex-staffer.
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hells_unicorn
Veteran

Joined: Tue Feb 15, 2005 8:32 pm
Posts: 3056
Location: United States
PostPosted: Thu Apr 30, 2015 9:37 pm 
 

Gotcha, I didn't get the memo on that one, but I figured there might have been a reason why nobody had iced this one yet since it's a pretty rough read.
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BastardHead
Worse than Stalin

Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2005 7:53 pm
Posts: 10857
Location: Oswego, Illinois
PostPosted: Fri May 01, 2015 12:17 pm 
 

Diamhea wrote:
Unless something has recently changed, Ultraboris reviews are exempt from purging due to historical significance and (maybe) the fact that he is an ex-staffer.


lolwut? I've never heard that. We have no such list anywhere and certain people shouldn't exempt from anything just because they were first/popular/funny. Dudes like OSS and Gutterscream are obviously in no danger but Boris wrote a lot of bad reviews, hell he came out of retirement to review Immortalis a few years ago and it was rejected the next day. I respect him and I definitely looked up to him when I was a noob reviewer but if he has really bad ones, it'd be complete bullshit to keep them just because he's respected.
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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
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Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Fri May 01, 2015 12:41 pm 
 

I was told specifically by Derigin to work around OSS and Ultraboris (I brought this up when I was purging Overkill because I had reservations about rejecting them myself).
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nuclearskull wrote:
Leave a steaming, stinking Rotting Repulsive Rotting Corpse = LIVE YOUNG - DIE FREE and move on to the NEXT form of yourself....or just be a fat Wal-Mart Mcdonalds pc of shit what do I give a fuck what you do.

Last.fm

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Gutterscream
The Last Old Schooler in Town

Joined: Fri Feb 18, 2005 3:59 pm
Posts: 1083
Location: United States
PostPosted: Fri May 01, 2015 8:44 pm 
 

Funny that mutter from the gutter's real name is David.
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Helvede
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Aug 05, 2003 6:28 pm
Posts: 1674
PostPosted: Sat May 02, 2015 12:08 pm 
 

This one:

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/N ... fice/15991

Not only is it not very informative or elaborate, but the score given doesn't seem to reflect the reviewers point, does it? Sounds more like a ~70 to me?

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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
Posts: 9275
Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Sat May 02, 2015 12:33 pm 
 

A better review already exists for that album, so I have no qualms about poofing that.
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nuclearskull wrote:
Leave a steaming, stinking Rotting Repulsive Rotting Corpse = LIVE YOUNG - DIE FREE and move on to the NEXT form of yourself....or just be a fat Wal-Mart Mcdonalds pc of shit what do I give a fuck what you do.

Last.fm

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Acrobat
Eric Olthwaite

Joined: Fri Jul 06, 2007 8:53 am
Posts: 8854
Location: Yorkshire
PostPosted: Thu May 07, 2015 6:39 am 
 

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/T ... adent/1245 - two paragraph wonder with dodgy formatting.
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Of_This_Night36
Metal newbie

Joined: Wed Jul 22, 2009 6:16 pm
Posts: 323
PostPosted: Fri May 08, 2015 9:40 pm 
 

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/A ... eth/134154

The first paragraph is nonsense, and the second paragraph just sort of mocks the music without describing it much.

Not really useful, coming from someone who was trying to get an idea of the band from this review.
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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
Posts: 9275
Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Fri May 08, 2015 9:52 pm 
 

poof

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~Guest 171512
Metalhead

Joined: Thu Oct 09, 2008 9:18 am
Posts: 2099
PostPosted: Mon May 25, 2015 12:54 am 
 

This review is terrible. He's barely even able to make a statement. http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/S ... ark/221170

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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

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PostPosted: Mon May 25, 2015 10:30 pm 
 

Really? Seems like he manages a few, the biggest problem for me is the Engrish. Dunno about this one... pending second opinion.
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Leave a steaming, stinking Rotting Repulsive Rotting Corpse = LIVE YOUNG - DIE FREE and move on to the NEXT form of yourself....or just be a fat Wal-Mart Mcdonalds pc of shit what do I give a fuck what you do.

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BastardHead
Worse than Stalin

Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2005 7:53 pm
Posts: 10857
Location: Oswego, Illinois
PostPosted: Tue May 26, 2015 6:58 pm 
 

I mean, it's a bad review by pretty much every stretch of the imagination. The engrish is annoying but never like full on eye gougingly rejectable. It devolves into checklist form but it's not the entire review. It's overall just pretty crap, if I saw it in the queue I'd say it's a no note from me but if somebody reeeeeeally wanted to squirt it in as a three pointer I wouldn't throw a fit.
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Turner
Metalhead

Joined: Fri Aug 23, 2002 2:04 am
Posts: 2247
Location: Australia
PostPosted: Wed May 27, 2015 3:39 am 
 

i'm disgusted at the lack of self-awareness there - how you can start with such a bold idea, then fill it with bad ESL and arguments that include "bull-crap" and "nerdy", is beyond me. symphony x is one of those bands (ie. prog) where the fanboys flock to each new release and give it twenty 90% reviews within a week, so i get a *tiny* bit of satisfaction seeing someone at least trying to knock them down a peg or two, but shit... that review's pitiful.

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Of_This_Night36
Metal newbie

Joined: Wed Jul 22, 2009 6:16 pm
Posts: 323
PostPosted: Fri May 29, 2015 11:29 pm 
 

I've always found this review pretty (unintentionally?) funny, but I just can't get a good idea of the music from it. http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/A ... bat/115569

I almost don't want to report this, to be honest with you.

---

I went to his profile before I submitted the post and found a second one I feel should be brought up here http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/C ... bat/115569

I mean absolutely no disrespect to this person; I'm laughing with them, not at them. But..?! He begins making a point, and then he just goes into these insulting ramblings that have nothing to do with the music.
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BastardHead
Worse than Stalin

Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2005 7:53 pm
Posts: 10857
Location: Oswego, Illinois
PostPosted: Sat May 30, 2015 5:06 pm 
 

Acrobat is one of the very, very select few reviewers from the mid/early era who wrote reviews good enough to still be among the best today. Those are both fine to me.
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Emptiness Cycle
Metalhead

Joined: Mon Apr 13, 2015 11:07 am
Posts: 417
Location: United Kingdom
PostPosted: Sun May 31, 2015 8:17 am 
 

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/Judas_Iscariot/The_Cold_Earth_Slept_Below.../2371/Vulture/10473

This is far too short and devoid of substance.

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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
Posts: 9275
Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Sun May 31, 2015 12:04 pm 
 

poof

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Emptiness Cycle
Metalhead

Joined: Mon Apr 13, 2015 11:07 am
Posts: 417
Location: United Kingdom
PostPosted: Sun May 31, 2015 3:42 pm 
 

Take two :

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/C ... er666/2613

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tomcat_ha
Minister of Boiling Water

Joined: Fri Oct 27, 2006 8:05 am
Posts: 5570
Location: Netherlands
PostPosted: Mon Jun 08, 2015 8:46 pm 
 

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/A ... ery/81905/

this review basically makes nothing clear about the album except that it does not have keyboards

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NoKnownName
Metal newbie

Joined: Sat Nov 02, 2013 7:39 pm
Posts: 216
Location: United States
PostPosted: Wed Jun 10, 2015 3:41 pm 
 

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/C ... ator/27149

The grammar, the formatting, the content... just an absolute nightmare to try to read.
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Napalm_Satan
Ever-Opening Flower

Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2015 4:27 pm
Posts: 3812
Location: United Kingdom
PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2015 5:59 pm 
 

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/Dissection/The_Grief_Prophecy/13022/Zaranheim/3308

This is very awkward to read. The word order seems off to me as well, though grammatically it is all in order.
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