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Empyreal
The Final Frontier

Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2006 6:58 pm
Posts: 18746
Location: Where the dead rule the night
PostPosted: Sun Mar 09, 2014 11:32 pm 
 

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/W ... lewhooves1

He doesn't even capitalize "I," fuck this review.
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MutantClannfear
Metalhead

Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 12:12 am
Posts: 2164
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sun Mar 09, 2014 11:45 pm 
 

I laughed at "get ready, this will be a long one" followed by three relatively short paragraphs.

Also, saying the album has no riffs is moronic, it's got plenty of tremolo sections that sound closer to Cryptopsy than anything else one could name.
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Subrick
Metal freak

Joined: Sun Sep 12, 2010 7:27 pm
Posts: 5789
Location: United States
PostPosted: Mon Mar 10, 2014 12:37 am 
 

"It's like a sludge metal album gone terribly fucking wrong."

I get the feeling this guy's never listened to sludge metal before.
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OzzyApu
Metal freak

Joined: Fri Oct 13, 2006 12:11 am
Posts: 9656
Location: United States
PostPosted: Mon Mar 10, 2014 2:16 am 
 

Subrick wrote:
"It's like a sludge metal album gone terribly fucking wrong."

I get the feeling this guy's never listened to sludge metal before.

I clicked the link to see what review and it's the one the guys are talking about in the Review Discussion thread, too. Wow, it's bad.
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Dembo
Metal newbie

Joined: Fri Apr 21, 2006 9:58 am
Posts: 76
PostPosted: Mon Mar 10, 2014 10:51 am 
 

Granted I have a much lower than average tolerance for vocalist fetishists who review metal, and granted that this review has remained here for ten years so people may have complained about it before, but I still thought it was an unusually poorly written one:

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/M ... ckingLucas

The praise for the music pretty much consists of "Not the best, but nevertheless, better than I could do", as if that's gonna tell anyone anything. The rest is mostly spewing anger about the vocals with no real description of them other than "like Mike Patton rapping or some stupid shit like that".

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Lord_Brendan
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Aug 16, 2011 8:55 pm
Posts: 485
Location: Australia
PostPosted: Mon Mar 10, 2014 12:05 pm 
 

Dembo wrote:
Granted I have a much lower than average tolerance for vocalist fetishists who review metal, and granted that this review has remained here for ten years so people may have complained about it before, but I still thought it was an unusually poorly written one:

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/M ... ckingLucas

The praise for the music pretty much consists of "Not the best, but nevertheless, better than I could do", as if that's gonna tell anyone anything. The rest is mostly spewing anger about the vocals with no real description of them other than "like Mike Patton rapping or some stupid shit like that".


:bow: Best review ever
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Xenokrist
Metal newbie

Joined: Sun Oct 21, 2012 1:03 am
Posts: 56
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sun Mar 16, 2014 11:34 pm 
 

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/N ... lli_Priest

Doesn't really give an idea of the music at all, doesn't give even one specific example, and he goes into more detail about a DVD that came with it than the album itself.

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theunrelentingattack
Not yet ready for a custom title

Joined: Wed Sep 14, 2011 5:18 pm
Posts: 689
Location: United States
PostPosted: Mon Mar 17, 2014 7:04 am 
 

Xenokrist wrote:
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/Nevermore/Enemies_of_Reality/28945/Metalli_Priest

Doesn't really give an idea of the music at all, doesn't give even one specific example, and he goes into more detail about a DVD that came with it than the album itself.


Gone.
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TheMirroringShadow
Metal newbie

Joined: Wed Jun 02, 2010 6:04 am
Posts: 64
PostPosted: Thu Mar 27, 2014 10:12 am 
 

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/Construcdead/Violadead/32392/Plague

This is one of those reviews MA can live without. While he does describe the music, it's in such a thin manner you can basically break through it with just your pinky. Also it's all written in one big paragraph. I checked his other reviews and they're all like this. I honestly feel that these types of Amazon-like reviews should be purged from the site.

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theunrelentingattack
Not yet ready for a custom title

Joined: Wed Sep 14, 2011 5:18 pm
Posts: 689
Location: United States
PostPosted: Thu Mar 27, 2014 10:22 am 
 

TheMirroringShadow wrote:
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/Construcdead/Violadead/32392/Plague

This is one of those reviews MA can live without. While he does describe the music, it's in such a thin manner you can basically break through it with just your pinky. Also it's all written in one big paragraph. I checked his other reviews and they're all like this. I honestly feel that these types of Amazon-like reviews should be purged from the site.


yeah, that wasn't good. I've gotten rid of it.
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oneyoudontknow
Cum insantientibus furere necesse est.

Joined: Sun May 21, 2006 6:25 pm
Posts: 5289
Location: Germany
PostPosted: Mon Mar 31, 2014 5:45 pm 
 

he has written on his own release:
http://www.metal-archives.com/users/Bla ... CultRecord
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/X ... 09/239750/

has been banned for something else at some point it seems.
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NoKnownName
Metal newbie

Joined: Sat Nov 02, 2013 7:39 pm
Posts: 123
Location: United States
PostPosted: Mon Mar 31, 2014 10:35 pm 
 

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/D ... 2501/Snxke

Zero description, aside from simply saying it's techno.
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MonumentalBlackArt
Metal newbie

Joined: Tue Feb 18, 2014 12:04 am
Posts: 192
PostPosted: Mon Mar 31, 2014 11:02 pm 
 

"Sacrifice on it's own..."

:puke:

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Subrick
Metal freak

Joined: Sun Sep 12, 2010 7:27 pm
Posts: 5789
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue Apr 01, 2014 12:24 am 
 

How the hell did that get approved? Better yet, who the hell approved it?!?
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Ilwhyan
Metel fraek

Joined: Sat Sep 29, 2007 1:41 pm
Posts: 6360
Location: Finland
PostPosted: Tue Apr 01, 2014 4:17 am 
 

Subrick wrote:
How the hell did that get approved? Better yet, who the hell approved it?!?

It was in 2002!?!?! The standards were different then!?!
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Subrick
Metal freak

Joined: Sun Sep 12, 2010 7:27 pm
Posts: 5789
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue Apr 01, 2014 1:48 pm 
 

That's horrible even for 2002 though. That review legit would have been horrible for any period of time you put it in.
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Obscurum
Emperor of the Shadows

Joined: Tue Jun 19, 2012 2:23 am
Posts: 378
Location: United States
PostPosted: Fri Apr 11, 2014 2:39 pm 
 

Devoid of description:
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/M ... idPreacher
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iamntbatman
Chaos Breed

Joined: Sat Feb 21, 2009 5:55 am
Posts: 7424
Location: Innsmouth
PostPosted: Fri Apr 11, 2014 3:04 pm 
 

Agreed. Gone.
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Obscurum
Emperor of the Shadows

Joined: Tue Jun 19, 2012 2:23 am
Posts: 378
Location: United States
PostPosted: Fri Apr 11, 2014 3:19 pm 
 

Here, have another one. All we get out of it is that the album has a "somewhat heavier and bluesier feel than usual [...]".

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/D ... 319/Sinner
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PhilosophicalFrog
The Hypercube

Joined: Thu May 04, 2006 7:08 pm
Posts: 5652
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sun Apr 13, 2014 12:31 pm 
 

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/L ... odIronBeer

Don't know if it's really worth deleting, but I figured I'd bring it up. Doesn't really talk about anything other than "it lacks passion and shakes my belief in metal" - seems like a completely unfair 1% score to an otherwise liked album....but who knows.
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BastardHead
Magic Mike

Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2005 7:53 pm
Posts: 5192
Location: Oswego, Illinois
PostPosted: Sun Apr 13, 2014 12:40 pm 
 

I'd give it 3 points if he submit it today, but it's worth noting that BIB recently had a fit when he had a bunch of new reviews rejected. He didn't really adapt with the times and some of his old stuff is probably nukeworthy, but rummaging through an old respected reviewer's back catalog to just find old rejectable stuff really isn't even in our top 10 for site priorities.
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PhilosophicalFrog
The Hypercube

Joined: Thu May 04, 2006 7:08 pm
Posts: 5652
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sun Apr 13, 2014 9:10 pm 
 

Fair enough, was just listening to said album today and thought to look it up.
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Obscurum
Emperor of the Shadows

Joined: Tue Jun 19, 2012 2:23 am
Posts: 378
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sun Apr 13, 2014 10:28 pm 
 

Lacking enough description?

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/S ... hrasher666
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cweed
Metal newbie

Joined: Mon Apr 12, 2004 7:48 pm
Posts: 390
Location: United States
PostPosted: Thu May 01, 2014 9:47 am 
 

OK, sorry if this has been brought up before, but this dude's review of Nachtmystium's "Assassins: Black Meddle Pt. 1".
(http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/N ... 3/BassLord)

I don't know if he's trolling/fucking around or what, but it seems like he COMPLETELY missed the incredibly obvious point of this album, which is that it's a nod/tribute to Pink Floyd and their heavy inspiration to the album. I don't know if anyone agrees with me or not, but it's a bit like giving a 50% to Children of Bodom's "Something Wild" album and saying something like: "yeah, this album's pretty good, but I'm surprised that everyone likes it since they clearly rip off Mozart on "Red Light in My Eyes, Pt. 2". Thievery has no place in metal. Nice try, guys."

Anyway, that's why I feel like this review should at least be edited (and hopefully someone explain to this dude what's up) or nuked...I don't know how mods do things, but I feel like it compromises the integrity of this site with reviews like this. We're smarter than this!!
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Smoking_Gnu
Chicago Favorite

Joined: Sat Mar 15, 2008 11:22 pm
Posts: 2355
Location: United States
PostPosted: Thu May 01, 2014 9:51 am 
 

There's missing the point of the album, then there's understanding the point and still not feeling it's done well. Specifically, I think this statement in his review shows he understands the difference between tribute and rip-off as it pertains to his argument.
Quote:
It's one thing to feel an artists influence, but it's quite another to play their songs, give them different titles, and release them as your own.


I think the album in question has some decent songs, but there are parts where it's pretty obvious Nachtmystium just said "hey, let's crank up the resonance and rapidly open and close the cutoff on a Moog, that sure sounds 'psychadelic,'" so I totally get where he's coming from. Enslaved pulled off this stylistic blend quite a bit better.
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cweed
Metal newbie

Joined: Mon Apr 12, 2004 7:48 pm
Posts: 390
Location: United States
PostPosted: Thu May 01, 2014 10:42 am 
 

Hmmm OK maybe you're right...however, I still feel like that's why Nachtmystium called the album "Black Meddle" AND even paid blatant tribute with "One of These Nights", a pretty obvious black metal nod to Pink Floyd's "One of these Days" off of "Meddle". Even the lyrics almost mirror each other.
Ah well, I see where you're coming from (and the reviewer too), I think if anything he could have been a bit more clear if he gets what I'm saying.
Anyone else's input is obviously welcome too!!
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Acrobat
Eric Olthwaite

Joined: Fri Jul 06, 2007 8:53 am
Posts: 6520
Location: Fortress Northallerton, North Yorkshire
PostPosted: Sat May 03, 2014 10:07 am 
 

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/S ... t/2965/KRS - Fuckin' terrible review!
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Deathly_Gloom
Metal newbie

Joined: Sun Aug 01, 2004 6:58 am
Posts: 62
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue May 06, 2014 11:16 pm 
 

Hahahhahahahahaha, this dude reviewed his own DVD he played on XD. No wonder it is a pretty good score

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/X ... CultRecord

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AddWittyUsername
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Mon Oct 07, 2013 8:40 pm
Posts: 8
Location: Netherlands
PostPosted: Wed May 07, 2014 6:41 pm 
 

The same fuckwit (who has been Dursted some time ago, it seems) as mentioned above by Deathly_Gloom also produced this "gem".
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/D ... nchor93166

Not necessarily the worst review ever, but still... If you're not in the mood for sarcastic comments, go read the review through the link above. The one in the spoilerbox has a lot of sarcastic comments by yours truly. Emphasis mine. Italics are my own comments, not part of the review.

Spoiler: show
"First off, let me say that listening to Draugluin is like walking through the most brutal frozen tundra out there. Don't get me wrong either, I mean that in the best way possible. (If you need to explain your simile, it fails.) Thyrronas is a true visionary in my eyes, an artist of music. When you pop in this discography
("discography: dɪˈskɒgrəfi/
noun
a descriptive catalogue of musical recordings, particularly those of a particular performer or composer." So... how do you pop in a catalogue, exactly?
), it really just takes your breathe (breath, you mean) away. The atmosphere makes your mind go into a coma flourishing with wolves and the arctic tundra.
(Failed metaphor. Perhaps "go on a journey flourishing with [...]" would have worked.)
The rawness and ambiance of the discography is just mind boggling(mindboggling or mind-boggling, depending on which variation of English one uses.).
Not to mention Draugluin is a one man band! I have endless respect for people, who can actually start a band on their own, play all the required instruments, make a discography, and actually have made quality music that will blow your mind.
(Starting with "not to mention" and then mentioning it is one thing. Starting with "not to mention" and then rambling on about it for a long, run-on sentence is something else.)

I want to elaborate on the atmosphere of Thyrronas's music. (Again?) It literally makes you feel like you're in a battle, a battle taking place on the frozen tundra of Siberia or something. (You are the pinnacle of creativity, aren't you, with your endless comparisons to frozen/arctic tundras?)
Yes, make no mistake about it, the ambiance of this music is simply amazing. (I would never have guessed...)
It is possibly the most raw, ambient music out there in the underground. This discography is truly a gem, more people need to know the extent of how good this cd is. (It would help if you described more than just "arctic tundra! frozen tundra! arctic tundra!")
If I had to compare a band to Draugluin (which I don't like to do, Thyrronas's music is just too damn unique) (UNIIIIIQUE! Kvlt! UNIIIQUE! -cough-), then I would compare Thyrronas to the likes of...Burzum, possibly (old) mayhem (Capitalization, please?), and lastly (old) Bathory. But forget comparing, Draugluin is really too unique to be compared."

Great. So far, all I know of this music is that its atmosphere makes you feel like you're on a brutal frozen tundra, no, an arctic tundra flourishing with wolves (while in a coma), no, a battle on the frozen tundra of Siberia, or something, that one man plays all the required instruments. Oh, and that it can be compared to Burzum, possibly to old Mayhem and to old Bathory. Except not. 'cause it's UNIIIIIQUE!
Oh, but wait. We're going to start talking about the music in the last one-third of the review!


Now, I would like to talk about the music.
(Misplaced comma. This way, it means that you would like to talk about the music, but can't/won't. Wait, never mind, that's remarkably correct.)
The music has great guitar riffs (in what way?) that are very unique and original (Draungluin is UNIIIIQUE!), unlike a lot of black metal, today. (Unnecessary comma, unless you mean that the guitar riffs of Draungluin are only unique today as opposed to a lot of black metal not being unique these days.) Their (There) are parts where the vocals remind me of "Von" and/or "Vrolok" and are executed well.
(Missing commas, unless you mean that only those parts are executed well? Besides, didn't you just say that this was too UNIIIIQUE to compare to other music?)
The songs are all very different (UNIIIIIQUE!), some are heathen ambient noise, and others are straight grim black metal. The drums are programmed and are not nothing special, but are done well.
(Nothing special and done well. -scratches head- Oh, by the way, didn't you say above that this one man played every necessary instrument himself? Maybe you meant "except the drums, which he programmed aaaaaaaall by himself"?)

So, in conclusion, this greek (Greek) one man band brings forth 8 (spelling out numbers below ten surely is not that hard?) selected masterpieces from the previous releases , gathered in an album with a mythical title "Gloemscrafu" .
(What are those spaces doing before the comma and period?)
this (This) discography is a soulside journey to the ancient world of black metal , dark ambient heathen noise.
(Why is there a space before the comma?)
I Highly (What is that capital-H doing there?) recommend this cd to all true black metal collectors." (Don't you mean trve, kvlt, UNIIIIQUE black metal collectors?)

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lord_ghengis
Metal freak

Joined: Mon Dec 04, 2006 8:31 pm
Posts: 5371
Location: Australia
PostPosted: Sat May 24, 2014 7:41 pm 
 

Pls stop.
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Grave_Wyrm
Metalhead

Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2012 5:55 pm
Posts: 2022
Location: In the Open Sea
PostPosted: Thu May 29, 2014 12:56 pm 
 

^ +1. ouch. That spoiler tag is not for the hungover.

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MutantClannfear
Metalhead

Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 12:12 am
Posts: 2164
Location: United States
PostPosted: Thu May 29, 2014 7:32 pm 
 

Or those outside of the autism spectrum.
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Subrick
Metal freak

Joined: Sun Sep 12, 2010 7:27 pm
Posts: 5789
Location: United States
PostPosted: Fri May 30, 2014 1:18 am 
 

*person with Aspergers*

Nope, not even we can handle that.
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DivineSpirit33
Metal newbie

Joined: Thu Apr 10, 2014 8:23 pm
Posts: 83
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sun Jun 01, 2014 2:41 pm 
 

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/L ... rn/7394/KK

Track by track reviews are okay when done for EPs. Not for full-length albums! Especially when you don't even go into much description. Seriously, look at what he said for one of the songs:

Quote:
"No longer" is simply another great song on the disc.


You can't just pass off one song as "great" and go into no description. Also, is it possible to swear more in a single review? Especially for a Christian album?

Also, could he possibly make Christians look dumber? Seriously, I actually took some offense from this review as a Christian. Look at this:

Quote:
Project 86/Living Sacrifice/Stavesacre was the first concert I ever went to. It was this Christian metal concert out in Lancaster, PA, in some random church in the middle of a fucking field.


Quote:
Well this band kicked my ass like no other has ever done. All I remember is getting the shit knocked out of me a few rows back of my friend who was cleaning house left and right. The entire church erupted into one big melee.


Quote:
"Liar" closes the album with a fucking fury. You won't find any pussy outros or acoustic wankery on this one, just speed metal and lots of it. It makes you think, "Damn, maybe I should consider Christianity".


And also, I've had several reviews rejected due to having too many short paragraphs or lone sentences. This review is loaded with them; more than I've ever used. And his somehow got accepted. I guess the standards were a lot lower ten years ago.
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BastardHead
Magic Mike

Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2005 7:53 pm
Posts: 5192
Location: Oswego, Illinois
PostPosted: Sun Jun 01, 2014 2:53 pm 
 

Yeah the standards have shifted a lot over the years. Nuked on grounds of being a shitty amazon style track by track, but I'd like to give a minor "lighten up" to DivineSpirit in regards to the review being written like an idiot that happens to share your beliefs. I'm a thrash fan, nobody looks dumber than a thrash fan, it's just part of life.
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DivineSpirit33
Metal newbie

Joined: Thu Apr 10, 2014 8:23 pm
Posts: 83
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sun Jun 01, 2014 3:00 pm 
 

BastardHead wrote:
Yeah the standards have shifted a lot over the years. Nuked on grounds of being a shitty amazon style track by track, but I'd like to give a minor "lighten up" to DivineSpirit in regards to the review being written like an idiot that happens to share your beliefs. I'm a thrash fan, nobody looks dumber than a thrash fan, it's just part of life.


It's not that he's an idiot who shares my beliefs, he's an idiot who doesn't share my beliefs, and makes people who do so look like idiots.
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BastardHead
Magic Mike

Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2005 7:53 pm
Posts: 5192
Location: Oswego, Illinois
PostPosted: Sun Jun 01, 2014 3:14 pm 
 

Regardless, it's not a big deal and really not worth deleting over. Granted, I know you brought it up because it was a crappy track by track and that second part was just kinda tacked on, but the point remains, as long as there's no open bigotry/racism or something, that's something we're pretty much never going to touch.
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ksevile
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Apr 28, 2009 11:12 pm
Posts: 1390
PostPosted: Wed Jun 04, 2014 4:28 pm 
 

I don't think the content of this review is appropriate to accommodate a full length album.


http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/B ... arred_Soul
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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
Posts: 3109
Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Wed Jun 04, 2014 4:36 pm 
 

Nuked. That was horrendous.

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MonumentalBlackArt
Metal newbie

Joined: Tue Feb 18, 2014 12:04 am
Posts: 192
PostPosted: Wed Jun 04, 2014 4:44 pm 
 

Came across this review today. Seems a little sparse for a review of a full-length.

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/O ... tsaakuolet

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