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OzzyApu
Metal freak

Joined: Fri Oct 13, 2006 12:11 am
Posts: 9708
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sat Mar 23, 2013 1:19 pm 
 

Ah, the last quarter had me reading some very verbose court cases, so seeing something that horrendous was a shock.
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Ilwhyan
Metel fraek

Joined: Sat Sep 29, 2007 1:41 pm
Posts: 6408
Location: Finland
PostPosted: Sun Mar 24, 2013 11:52 am 
 

This review of Arckanum's Antikosmos is a little obsolete:

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/A ... 7/Deadlove

Poor language and quite bare-boned.
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Zodijackyl
Lazy Wizard

Joined: Wed Apr 30, 2008 5:39 pm
Posts: 4850
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sun Mar 24, 2013 12:06 pm 
 

Ilwhyan wrote:
This review of Arckanum's Antikosmos is a little obsolete:

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/A ... 7/Deadlove

Poor language and quite bare-boned.


"All in all, I def think that ARCKANUM are onto something very solid with this release"

:(

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Acrobat
Eric Olthwaite

Joined: Fri Jul 06, 2007 8:53 am
Posts: 6551
Location: Fortress Northallerton, North Yorkshire
PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 2:04 pm 
 

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/R ... 2/Cadaever - 2003 quality in 2008! One paragraph and in the first line there's a lovely "you're/your" related mishap. :/
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Opus
Metalhead

Joined: Sun Sep 22, 2002 11:06 am
Posts: 1748
Location: Sweden
PostPosted: Thu Mar 28, 2013 2:59 pm 
 

This album is loud, apparently. Oh, and it doesn't sound like Nightwish.

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/T ... pitankraut
Spoiler: show
As subtle as a jackhammer - 30%

A great many readers will probably have arrived at this album via Nightwish, Marco Hietala's globally-renowned band. The first possible misconception to dispel here is that Tarot sounds in any way like Nightwish - it does not. Tarot is essentially a traditional heavy metal outfit, at least on this album, with the customary guitar-bass-drums lineup you might expect. There are keyboards, too, but don't expect anything symphonic or power-metal-ish.

In a word, "To Live Forever" can be described as "loud". In fact, "too loud" would probably be a fairer description. There is very little in the way of quiet and more reflective passages, with Marco and friends instead cranking out loud riff after loud riff, overlaid with equally frantic drumming. As a vocalist, perhaps the kindest thing which can be said about Marco's style on this album is that it suits the music backing him. There's nothing subtle about his delivery at all, and on the choruses of most tracks (the title track and "My Enslaver" being prime examples) he sounds more as though his trousers are on too tight rather than anything much else.

I normally wouldn't dwell on the volume issue much beyond this, but the mix actually seems to have been done wrongly on this album - rather than just badly, which would have been excusable. Played over earphones, there is almost a wall of excruciating sound, which I'm not sure is great for the speakers in your earphones or (most importantly) your eardrums. Mutliply that over 15 tracks (I have the remastered version) which frequently run over 5 minutes and I'm sure there's a health warning brewing. I know, I know, metal is meant to be turned up to insane volumes and used to frighten the neighbours, but when there's no appreciable sonic variation and turning the volume down doesn't seem to help much either, this is a problem.

So what are the 30 points for? Well, there's an impression somewhere in this sludge that the band has serious chops. Certainly the reviews of other releases by the same band point to such a conclusion, and I find it hard to believe that Marco would have been involved in a band for so long without bringing some of his talent to bear on the thing. Maybe I just heard a badly-mixed version - or even just picked the wrong album to listen to before ripping my earphones out and swearing never to try that kind of thing again. Who knows? All I can speak about is my own experience with this album, and that is that I'd be hard-pressed to listen to it again.
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OzzyApu
Metal freak

Joined: Fri Oct 13, 2006 12:11 am
Posts: 9708
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sun Mar 31, 2013 12:41 pm 
 

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/I ... of_Cthulhu

This one's bland and lacking. Complaining that the band are average musicians but giving no backup for it as he praises the music.

"The music is nothing special on its own. The lead and rhythm guitars are very solid-sounding with lots of nice dual harmonies. The drumming is nothing to write home about, the fastest song on the album could be described as mid-paced at best. The vocals are a kind of gruff-sounding death growl and are actually understandable most of the time. Overall, the playing is very average."

However, he praises the album a ton. He's so backwards, and he uses ConorFynes level of description for his three paragraphs. I wouldn't even know it was death metal he wasn't talking about unless 1) I didn't know who "Insomnium were and 2) I "gruff-sounding death growl" was typed. I mean yeah I'd have to access the band page but this guy's running on empty.
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xexyzl
Metal newbie

Joined: Fri Jul 24, 2009 12:38 pm
Posts: 236
PostPosted: Sun Mar 31, 2013 3:18 pm 
 

I agree for the most part, though he does mention melo-death in the 2nd-to-last sentence. I'm not sure what he's talking about saying the fastest song is mid-paced; I don't know what the average bpm of that album is but by my standards it was pretty quick a lot of the time (even with the slight gothic/doom touches).

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Wilytank
Not a Flying Toy

Joined: Thu Jul 30, 2009 7:21 am
Posts: 3365
Location: United States
PostPosted: Mon Apr 01, 2013 9:54 am 
 

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/N ... 64/Ilwhyan

Hate speech made by a liberal
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Ilwhyan
Metel fraek

Joined: Sat Sep 29, 2007 1:41 pm
Posts: 6408
Location: Finland
PostPosted: Mon Apr 01, 2013 10:39 am 
 

Bullshit, they sold out and it should be obvious to everyone. The only good albums are the early ones. I don't understand why so many people listen to the new shit like it was anything near Curb's level of excellence.
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autothrall
Metal newbie

Joined: Fri Apr 24, 2009 10:05 am
Posts: 238
Location: United States
PostPosted: Mon Apr 01, 2013 12:04 pm 
 

Wilytank wrote:
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/Nickelback/Silver_Side_Up/371964/Ilwhyan

Hate speech made by a liberal


Ilwhyan wrote:
Bullshit, they sold out and it should be obvious to everyone. The only good albums are the early ones. I don't understand why so many people listen to the new shit like it was anything near Curb's level of excellence.


You two just made me spit iced coffee out my nose at my coworker on lunch break, I was laughing so hard.

Thanks for that :)
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Subrick
Metal freak

Joined: Sun Sep 12, 2010 7:27 pm
Posts: 5801
Location: United States
PostPosted: Mon Apr 01, 2013 12:40 pm 
 

autothrall, this most glorious day requires your stamp of reviewing approval.

In other words, join the fun!
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Wilytank
Not a Flying Toy

Joined: Thu Jul 30, 2009 7:21 am
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Location: United States
PostPosted: Mon Apr 01, 2013 3:09 pm 
 

I think we should have a contest of who wrote the best review. And whoever wins gets a free copy of that review's release.
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Subrick
Metal freak

Joined: Sun Sep 12, 2010 7:27 pm
Posts: 5801
Location: United States
PostPosted: Mon Apr 01, 2013 3:53 pm 
 

Goatfangs won by a mile.
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enigmatech
Metal newbie

Joined: Mon Feb 28, 2011 9:57 pm
Posts: 321
PostPosted: Mon Apr 01, 2013 4:45 pm 
 

Subrick wrote:
Goatfangs won by a mile.


Nope, Grave_Wyrm's review for "The Long Road" was the best.

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Zodijackyl
Lazy Wizard

Joined: Wed Apr 30, 2008 5:39 pm
Posts: 4850
Location: United States
PostPosted: Mon Apr 01, 2013 8:16 pm 
 

OzzyApu wrote:
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/Insomnium/In_the_Halls_of_Awaiting/6481/Spawn_of_Cthulhu

This one's bland and lacking. Complaining that the band are average musicians but giving no backup for it as he praises the music.

"The music is nothing special on its own. The lead and rhythm guitars are very solid-sounding with lots of nice dual harmonies. The drumming is nothing to write home about, the fastest song on the album could be described as mid-paced at best. The vocals are a kind of gruff-sounding death growl and are actually understandable most of the time. Overall, the playing is very average."

However, he praises the album a ton. He's so backwards, and he uses ConorFynes level of description for his three paragraphs. I wouldn't even know it was death metal he wasn't talking about unless 1) I didn't know who "Insomnium were and 2) I "gruff-sounding death growl" was typed. I mean yeah I'd have to access the band page but this guy's running on empty.


For a very short review, I like this one.

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Wilytank
Not a Flying Toy

Joined: Thu Jul 30, 2009 7:21 am
Posts: 3365
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sat Apr 06, 2013 9:03 pm 
 

Umm...is this allowed?

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/P ... _warriorre

Someone took Zodi's review and replaced all the negative parts with positive parts.
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Zodijackyl
Lazy Wizard

Joined: Wed Apr 30, 2008 5:39 pm
Posts: 4850
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sat Apr 06, 2013 9:11 pm 
 

Wilytank wrote:
Umm...is this allowed?

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/P ... _warriorre

Someone took Zodi's review and replaced all the negative parts with positive parts.


I noted that it was a parody of my review and an admin approved it. I appreciate the attention. Funny enough, I heard the album because failsafeman was talking about how terrible it was. I think the worst part is how the music is edited together, where the volume levels of each part throughout the album are a bit inconsistent, that really bothered me.

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OzzyApu
Metal freak

Joined: Fri Oct 13, 2006 12:11 am
Posts: 9708
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue Apr 09, 2013 11:06 pm 
 

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/T ... CrowTRobot

Doesn't talk about what Peter Steele's vocals sound like (just says it's not like Carnivore), mentions "sonic structures" and "progressive tendencies" later to make the maximum effort of describing the music, and mentions instruments flowing nicely and drums keeping pace. If I didn't know TON and the reviewer didn't genre name drop, I'd think this was rock music.

This is a 2003 review, and it lacks what constitutes a review by the site's standards today.

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/T ... rman_bates : This one's pretty thin. It's 5 sentences.
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Ilwhyan
Metel fraek

Joined: Sat Sep 29, 2007 1:41 pm
Posts: 6408
Location: Finland
PostPosted: Wed Apr 10, 2013 9:21 am 
 

Darkthrone - Too Old, Too Cold by sicfella

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/D ... 5/sicfella

Pretty obsolete. Bare-boned track-by-track that says nothing worthwhile about the music that other reviewers didn't.
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Grave_Wyrm
Metalhead

Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2012 5:55 pm
Posts: 2065
PostPosted: Wed Apr 10, 2013 2:12 pm 
 

itdoesntmatterwhatmynameis
At first I thought, "wait a minute .. does this guy give everything 100% or close?" Turns out he does. And he's nothing if not consistent. Just reading one it doesn't seem oven-ready, but all four of his reviews are so freakin similar it might be worth scanning. Be warned. After a couple, the "boring excitement" gets in your head.

edit: oh. He's ranked Fred Durst. Does that mean he hath been banished?

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Inspector_Satan
Metalhead

Joined: Fri Apr 01, 2011 11:48 pm
Posts: 567
Location: Living in the cosmic nod
PostPosted: Wed Apr 10, 2013 2:15 pm 
 

Looks like he's already been ousted so there's no threat of that

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Grave_Wyrm
Metalhead

Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2012 5:55 pm
Posts: 2065
PostPosted: Wed Apr 10, 2013 2:18 pm 
 

It was weird to read his reviews because that was basically the mindset I was going for with my "well-meaning shit-head" Nickelback review. It's unsettling thinking that there are people like that. course .. who knows if he was serious, either ..

edit: and his reviews are still up, btw, mods. I don't know if you want to purge those or not. They're pretty lame.

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Inspector_Satan
Metalhead

Joined: Fri Apr 01, 2011 11:48 pm
Posts: 567
Location: Living in the cosmic nod
PostPosted: Wed Apr 10, 2013 2:35 pm 
 

Yeah definitely not the most imaginative guy writer (not that I'm the best judge of that,) I only read the Enslavement of Beauty one but the bulk of his musical description consist of him trying to assign the band a genre tag. "I describe it as depressive black metal because you can hear people crying with the guitar solos..." :lol:

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Zodijackyl
Lazy Wizard

Joined: Wed Apr 30, 2008 5:39 pm
Posts: 4850
Location: United States
PostPosted: Wed Apr 10, 2013 2:44 pm 
 

Yeah, he was banned for resubmitting really shitty reviews with terrible formatting. All of his reviews that are up were approved by Gutterscream, who is very patient and good with editing.

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Zelkiiro
Pounding the world with a fish of steel

Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2009 5:30 pm
Posts: 4015
Location: United States
PostPosted: Mon Apr 15, 2013 2:34 pm 
 

Found one:
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/T ... alAttorney

He spends most of the review setting up the premise, niche, and overarching grievance with the album, but he dedicates maybe a single sentence to actual musical description (even then, it's a vague sentence). If I'm not familiar with the band, the only thing I'd get out of this review is, "They're a Christian band that resembles Dream Theater...somehow."
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OzzyApu
Metal freak

Joined: Fri Oct 13, 2006 12:11 am
Posts: 9708
Location: United States
PostPosted: Mon Apr 15, 2013 10:15 pm 
 

Maybe I'm not the best to judge bad reviews, but this one can't be "good": http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/D ... aceous_Bob

Didn't tell me anything about the album except that the guy didn't like it. "Boring guitars". Says the singer sucks without actually describing the vocal style. I'm pretty sure there's a rule against that.

"Average playing skills, poor songwriting, and poor production." I also wonder how he's measuring this on its own. If he described the music, it'd be easier to tell.
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GuntherTheUndying
Crimson King, Eater of Worlds

Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2006 4:36 pm
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Location: United States
PostPosted: Mon Apr 15, 2013 10:30 pm 
 

Removed.
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OzzyApu
Metal freak

Joined: Fri Oct 13, 2006 12:11 am
Posts: 9708
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue Apr 16, 2013 11:11 am 
 

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/S ... rthwormgaz

So I was reading through this thread to get some laughs and I saw this one posted by AcidWorm back in August of 2011.

It was copy-pasted twice.

This is essentially the entire review + that last conclusion paragraph:
Quote:
This really is a good listen. My thoughts on listening to this are, nice vocals, great riffs, good production and top notch drumming.

Style wise to me, I find myself thinking I could be listening to the aftermath of a heavy drinking and song writing session involving members of Carcass and Destroyer 666, listening to Marduk for inspiration.

The vocals have got that Carcass/Impaled/grind feel to them, the riffs dart from thrash to blackend death with driven along by blastbeats.

On top of all this, I like the style and mood of the album, the message or concept they're reaching for. It fits the music well. The message is one of war, empire and tyranny, a message and subject that should resonate amongst those of European decent, because we've known a lot of these sorts of goings on.

Its also great to hear something so well done and arse kicking coming from England. We need more bands like this to be proud of. Well done lads, cracking stuff. Looking forward to the next one, because this is a fookin' ripper.

Descriptive, yes, but is it still necessary? There are plenty of reviews for that release.
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Veracs
Metalhead

Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 8:56 pm
Posts: 1893
Location: United States of America
PostPosted: Thu Apr 25, 2013 4:23 pm 
 

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/G ... 6/grimdoom

Very general and vapid description of the music. Apparently the vocalist sounds like a kid that scraped his knee, but he doesn't go any further in the description than this.
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OzzyApu
Metal freak

Joined: Fri Oct 13, 2006 12:11 am
Posts: 9708
Location: United States
PostPosted: Fri Apr 26, 2013 10:05 am 
 

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/V ... pulverized

Remnants from another time. One paragraph with supremely bland descriptions. Some of them I don't even get, like calling death "stripped down death metal".

This is the ENTIRE thing:
Quote:
This album is another reason why Vader is one of my favorite bands. When I first heard Doc wouldn’t be pulling drum duty on this album, I was quite worried that it wouldn’t stack up against their past releases. Even at first I didn’t like the drum sound or playing at all, but after I listened to it a couple of times the drums really grew on me and I love the sound, Daray is an excellent drummer, at times I feel he surpasses Doc. Well, back to what this review is supposed to be about, the music. That’s it, the music.. the most important part about this album. Vader play in a more “melodic” way than on previous albums, incorporating many styles similar to Death, which is stripped down death metal. The solos are very different than older Vader, they are played with much more focus and beauty on this album. Don’t worry Vader-heads, Vader still kicks in the amazingly fast riffs and mind numbing drumming they are known for. The stand-out track is The Sea Came In At Last, very different for Vader, Peter uses a new type of clean vocal never heard in Vader before that works extremely well in helping creating the “atmospheric” feel to the song. All in all The Beast is a very complete album that should make any Vader fan happy.
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Yesterday was the birthday of school pal and I met the chick of my sigh (I've talked about here before, the she-wolf I use to be inlove with)... Maaan she was using a mini-skirt too damn insane... Dude you could saw her entire soul every time she sit...

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Zodijackyl
Lazy Wizard

Joined: Wed Apr 30, 2008 5:39 pm
Posts: 4850
Location: United States
PostPosted: Fri Apr 26, 2013 10:12 am 
 

For the length, that's not too bad of a review.

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OzzyApu
Metal freak

Joined: Fri Oct 13, 2006 12:11 am
Posts: 9708
Location: United States
PostPosted: Fri Apr 26, 2013 10:28 am 
 

Are you serious?

- "Excellent drummer" - what is his basis for an excellent drummer to this reviewer?
- "Death" - stripped down death metal? He must be referring to the first three, which aren't "stripped down".
- "[solos] are played with much more focus and beauty on this album" - compared to what? Can we get examples of this beautiful playing? What's it like?
- "more melodic" - does that mean increased harmonies, epic leads, genre influences, what?
- Then a mention of clean singing without telling us what it sounds like aside from helping create an "atmospheric feeling". You can't just say clean singing and atmospheric feeling and expect us to know what he's talking about. There's more to it than that.


C'mon, these are bland as shit. It's more like a forum post than a review. There are plenty of other reviews on there - all of which are better than this.
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Yesterday was the birthday of school pal and I met the chick of my sigh (I've talked about here before, the she-wolf I use to be inlove with)... Maaan she was using a mini-skirt too damn insane... Dude you could saw her entire soul every time she sit...

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Ilwhyan
Metel fraek

Joined: Sat Sep 29, 2007 1:41 pm
Posts: 6408
Location: Finland
PostPosted: Fri Apr 26, 2013 11:26 am 
 

I agree with OzzyApu. Is there any reason to keep that inferior review when there are seven other ones?
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Zodijackyl
Lazy Wizard

Joined: Wed Apr 30, 2008 5:39 pm
Posts: 4850
Location: United States
PostPosted: Fri Apr 26, 2013 11:50 am 
 

Most of the reviews on that album are pretty bad. :(

Got rid of that one, then was tempted to get rid of a few others but didn't.

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BastardHead
Magic Mike

Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2005 7:53 pm
Posts: 5263
Location: Oswego, Illinois
PostPosted: Fri Apr 26, 2013 1:30 pm 
 

Zodijackyl wrote:
Got rid of that one, then was tempted to get rid of a few others but didn't.


I have a big problem with that, myself. Going through older, well reviewed albums and coming across like eight bad reviews and not knowing what to do with them all. Especially frustrating when there are like 6 old, bad ones on an album with a total of seven reviews or something.
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dystopia4
Veteran

Joined: Mon Nov 16, 2009 6:47 pm
Posts: 3507
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Sun Apr 28, 2013 4:28 pm 
 

Uh, so all the reviews (3) for Skago's Anarchic are of the songs pre-released digitally and not of the album in it's entirety.
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Grave_Wyrm
Metalhead

Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2012 5:55 pm
Posts: 2065
PostPosted: Mon Apr 29, 2013 7:25 pm 
 

I dunno .. am I being too picky? It definitely doesn't improve on the other review, "Stunt Cat and the dreaded elder god Applesauce."
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/H ... /Muloc7253

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OzzyApu
Metal freak

Joined: Fri Oct 13, 2006 12:11 am
Posts: 9708
Location: United States
PostPosted: Wed May 01, 2013 11:16 am 
 

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/A ... alAttorney

This is awful. "folk-inflected melodic metal with the occasional melo-death" is the best this guy gets at describing this album. It's still very general. Then goes to use catch-all terms like "catchy," "excellent," and mentions bands like AA and DT in terms of Amorphis' consistency. The review is too thin and there are ten other reviews for that album that do a better job.

/side - the blog promoting within his own review annoyed me.

Quote:
I Don't Want Amorphis to Be Consistent - 80%

Amorphis need no introduction. Their tenth full-length, The Beginning of Times, is one of the highest-profile metal albums of the year.

If you've heard any of the previous albums featuring vocalist Tomi Joutsen, you know what to expect. This is folk-inflected melodic metal with the occasional melo-death. The songs are catchy, and the vocals are excellent (snubbing Joutsen on my list of the best metal vocalists was an unintentional oversight). He has one of the best clean voices and one of the best death growls. And, thankfully, he's using his death growl even more than before.

Amorphis have become as reliable as bands like Amon Amarth or Dark Tranquillity, and their output is arguably even better than those names.

But then again, that might be a bad thing. Amorphis are supposed to be, for lack of a better word, amorphous. Each album should have its own distinctive feel. They have adopted elements of many different sounds and always made them their own, but now they seem to be running on auto-pilot. It's a damn good autopilot, but still slightly disappointing.

The Verdict: Yes, it's excellent, but it doesn't really do anything to stand out from the band's incredible back catalog.

originally written for http://fullmetalattorney.blogspot.com/
- FullMetalAttorney, September 26th, 2011
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Zodijackyl
Lazy Wizard

Joined: Wed Apr 30, 2008 5:39 pm
Posts: 4850
Location: United States
PostPosted: Wed May 01, 2013 11:20 am 
 

Yeah, his blog style mini reviews that are primarily an oversight of the band/style are generally very low content. Perhaps useful if you don't know who Amorphis are, but... yeah.

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caspian
Wanderer of the Wastes

Joined: Tue Dec 07, 2004 11:29 pm
Posts: 6101
Location: Australia
PostPosted: Wed May 01, 2013 12:39 pm 
 

Is trimming some of Ozzeh's reviews a goer? Dude is awful.

Quote:
The bass is masterful and intricate and adds to the hypnotic nature of "Handful of Stars". There are elements at play here which are hard to pinpoint but as a whole "Handful of Stars" is one of the greatest works art this reviewer has heard in a long, long time. Technically this is a far cry from 'true black metal'. Because of this, those who are black metal elitists will dismiss the majority of Drudkh's output as being completely irrelevant.

For those metal-heads, I encourage you whole-heartedly to listen to Gorgoroth's "Pentagram" for the 100th time. To anyone else, black meal fan or not, "Handful of Stars" is essential.


:ugh: Not to mention all his shit is 99%.
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/D ... 29/279183/

to be fair, most of the review is alright. MA has always taken a pretty hard line on elitist whinging though.
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