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Muloc7253
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Nov 29, 2005 9:47 am
Posts: 533
Location: United Kingdom
PostPosted: Mon Sep 17, 2007 3:29 am 
 

He quite likes masturbation references it seems. Heck, he's a pretty damn good reviewer though. Quite underrated it seems.

Emperor_Of_Ice wrote:
Every song on this album is better than most bands entire discographies. Every song on here makes Slayer it’s bitch. Vio-Lence doesn’t even require the power of Satan to kick your ass like half the other thrash bands. They only require the power of rock, something quite inachievable by most bands it seems. This album is only 7 songs and 35 minutes, yet is has enough riffs to populate a riff planet or fill the Pacific Riff Ocean. It’s fast enough to make even a chronic masturbator seem slow.

I won’t lie though: I find this album pretty unmemorable. When I try to think of how a specific song starts, I can rarely remember. People ask me, “How does that riff to ‘Phobophobia’ or ‘Eternal Nightmare’ go again?” And you know what? I can never remember! Then again, it’s pretty hard to remember a single riff when each song has no less than (and more than likely exceeding) INFINITY FUCKING RIFFS PER SONG. So, unlike with most bands/albums, unmemorability is actually one of the album’s high points.
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Peregrin
Cricket Bat of Longinus

Joined: Wed Jul 07, 2004 3:09 am
Posts: 1888
Location: Denmark
PostPosted: Mon Sep 17, 2007 4:22 am 
 

GuntherTheUndying wrote:
That's probably the most unintelligent and pointless rant one could forge. It was a waste of time reading that "paragraph."


I'll let it pass myself since I can't make much sense of Kant myself either, though I hardly revile him as much as H_U does.

Anyway... from droneriot's review of the Odium Immortalis/Feindbild Mensch split:
droneriot wrote:
For the non-Germans among you, this title translates to "I have fallen...". Yep, got a little overconfident while skateboarding with the other Emo kids in town.


:lol:
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cinedracusio
Metalhead

Joined: Thu May 26, 2005 7:59 am
Posts: 493
Location: Romania
PostPosted: Mon Sep 17, 2007 4:57 am 
 

Kant taught people that reason was impotent? Hahahahahaha, this IS the turd of the millenium. Kant taught exactly the opposite. Geez, if you don't have a solid basis in one's philosophy, don't throw in such impotent statements.

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Bash
Talking Meat

Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 6:06 am
Posts: 1054
Location: Finland
PostPosted: Mon Sep 17, 2007 7:14 am 
 

I'm pretty sure he just wanted to namedrop philosphers to seem knowledgeable. That would also explain why the one's he chose were some of the most well-known one's.

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Noktorn
Veteran

Joined: Fri Feb 11, 2005 5:31 pm
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Location: United States
PostPosted: Mon Sep 17, 2007 4:12 pm 
 

Empyreal on Paracoccidioidomicosisproctitissarcomucosis' 'Paracoccidioidomicosisproctitissarcomucosis's Aromatica Germenexcitación en Orgías De Viscosa Y Amarga Putrefación':

Quote:
Now, onto my biggest problem with this disc...the lyrical content. I don't have the lyrics at hand, nor would I want to, but the songtitles are a fairly accurate representation of what their lyrics contain, and a song title that contains the words "Anal erotic fest for the..." really speaks for itself. I'll never in my life understand what entertainment or excitement anyone could possibly get from titles like that, or why any band would bother, either. Metal was never about how far you could voyage into the depths of perverse violence, and it was never about blastbeats and how guttural your vocals could get. It was never about 'hard and juicy cocks', nor was it about a 2 minute song composed of nothing but sensual moans and screams. This band is crass, rude, disgusting, and really rather immature in the grand scheme of things, being so fascinated with gory sexual fantasies and pornographic nonsense. This is like a bastard child of metal, an insult to every good death metal band that ever picked up their instruments, and completely unaccepted by most of the metal community. I've failed to mention thus far in the review how about 5 out of the 7 real songs here start out with highly disturbing and distracting sound clips that appear to be women being sexually abused or engaging in sexual intercourse, and they were just introductions to more of the bland, generic, grinding bullshit that shouldn't have been created in the first place. These soundclips are awful, and would drag the disc down to negative numbers if I could do that here. Again I must question what the point is in even creating songs like this. Sure, you'll gross out a few people who are posting on forums on the internet, but then the disgust will fade, and your music won't be worth a flying fuck anymore if it lacks anything enjoyable, which this album certainly does. That's all these gore bands are, they're just fucking one-trick ponies. After the shock wears off, it's nothing. Naught but a huge blemish on the face of death metal's glory. This is utterly the most pointless album I've ever listened to in my entire life.


God damnit, Empyreal.
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UnserHeiligeTod
Lagompräst

Joined: Fri Oct 08, 2004 7:45 pm
Posts: 1057
Location: Colombia
PostPosted: Mon Sep 17, 2007 5:38 pm 
 

I can't help agreeing with him.
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Noktorn
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 17, 2007 5:51 pm 
 

UnserHeiligeTod wrote:
I can't help agreeing with him.


Agreeing with him pretty much means ignoring an enormous part of the history of death metal and goregrind.
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UnserHeiligeTod
Lagompräst

Joined: Fri Oct 08, 2004 7:45 pm
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Location: Colombia
PostPosted: Mon Sep 17, 2007 6:23 pm 
 

Maybe so, but that doesn't change the fact that they sound like shit. The gore/porn lyrical theme is pretty much clichéd, so at least they should have tried and make some interesting music, but no.
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Noktorn
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 17, 2007 6:26 pm 
 

UnserHeiligeTod wrote:
Maybe so, but that doesn't change the fact that they sound like shit. The gore/porn lyrical theme is pretty much clichéd, so at least they should have tried and make some interesting music, but no.


My complaint doesn't have to do with them sounding like shit or not, or whether the lyrics are clichéd, but that there's like a total lack of understanding of the past of death metal and goregrind, calling this band in particular immature when there's thousands EXACTLY like them in image, and the weird 'being offended' part of it. It just doesn't make sense to me at all.
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UnserHeiligeTod
Lagompräst

Joined: Fri Oct 08, 2004 7:45 pm
Posts: 1057
Location: Colombia
PostPosted: Mon Sep 17, 2007 6:38 pm 
 

Noktorn wrote:
My complaint doesn't have to do with them sounding like shit or not, or whether the lyrics are clichéd, but that there's like a total lack of understanding of the past of death metal and goregrind, calling this band in particular immature when there's thousands EXACTLY like them in image, and the weird 'being offended' part of it. It just doesn't make sense to me at all.


Ah, I understand your point now. Certainly, perversion and shock value were a substancial part of death metal and are now fundamental for the grind scene, but I couldn't care less about that. I share Empyreal's dislike of the band itself, but his thoughts concerning the genre's aesthetics are his own. Having re-read his review, I realize I could've clarified that in my earlier post.
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Empyreal
The Final Frontier

Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2006 6:58 pm
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Location: Where the dead rule the night
PostPosted: Mon Sep 17, 2007 7:04 pm 
 

Yeah, looking back on it I said some ignorant things there, and I agree with Noktorn on the part about death metal's history of trying to gross people out, etc. I could've just talked about how generic they were instead and tied that into my dislike of the lyrics, now that I look back. I still wouldn't really give it higher than a 0 though.

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Noktorn
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 17, 2007 7:06 pm 
 

Empyreal wrote:
Yeah, looking back on it I said some ignorant things there, and I agree with Noktorn on the part about death metal's history of trying to gross people out, etc. I could've just talked about how generic they were instead and tied that into my dislike of the lyrics, now that I look back. I still wouldn't really give it higher than a 0 though.


Good, because I really want to like you and everything, Floridian metalheads unite and all and you seem pretty cool, but then I think of that review and I want to cry and beat you with a hammer.
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Empyreal
The Final Frontier

Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2006 6:58 pm
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 17, 2007 7:07 pm 
 

Noktorn wrote:
Empyreal wrote:
Yeah, looking back on it I said some ignorant things there, and I agree with Noktorn on the part about death metal's history of trying to gross people out, etc. I could've just talked about how generic they were instead and tied that into my dislike of the lyrics, now that I look back. I still wouldn't really give it higher than a 0 though.


Good, because I really want to like you and everything, Floridian metalheads unite and all and you seem pretty cool, but then I think of that review and I want to cry and beat you with a hammer.

:lol: Well most/some of the review I find I still agree with (especially the second paragraph on their music itself), but I've been listening to more and more death metal since the summer, so I guess I can see things differently now.

And before anyone mentions my review for Politics of Ecstasy again, yeah that one was stupid too, but I still agree with pretty much everything I said there anyway.

Sorry for derailing the thread.

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hells_unicorn
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Feb 15, 2005 8:32 pm
Posts: 2253
Location: United States
PostPosted: Mon Sep 17, 2007 10:21 pm 
 

cinedracusio wrote:
Kant taught people that reason was impotent? Hahahahahaha, this IS the turd of the millenium. Kant taught exactly the opposite. Geez, if you don't have a solid basis in one's philosophy, don't throw in such impotent statements.


Although that paragraph in question is a tangent that could use a bit of an overhaul and is only very distantly related to the album in question, my opinion on Immanuel Kant stands, having just paged through the Critique of Pure Reason for the 5th time (a chore I wouldn't wish on any human being). If you wish to state your case to the contrary, feel free to send me a shout on myspace and I'll hook you up with my MSN identity.
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Noktorn
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Location: United States
PostPosted: Wed Sep 19, 2007 12:36 am 
 

SCREAM666 on Vonn's 'Victim One: Agony':

Quote:
I am scared! Having just listened to Victim One Agony from start to finish I can definitely say that I am scared. This is not a recommended album if you are a girl on her own at home for the weekend, like me this weekend.


:ugh: There's a pretty fun game you can play with this review to see how many times she uses the same word in the same sentence, or in adjacent sentences.
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Noktorn
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 20, 2007 5:06 pm 
 

WilliamAcerfeltd on Cradle Of Filth's 'Nymphetamine':

Quote:
I thought the lyrics were bad before, now they are just pathetic. Not only are the lyrics sleazy now, but they are stupid. Double whammy. Take the lyrics off track 2 for example:

"Dirty little soul frigger
Dirty little soul frigger
Dirty little soul frigger

Cunt (Cunt)
Gilded cunt
Oh, you gilded cunt
Cunt
Cunt"

Those lyrics pretty much speak for themselves. Dani can still write some good lyrics, but the stupid theme of an evil woman is still there. Adding some lyrical variety into their songs would be a huge improvement. I thought Swansong for a Raven might be something new in the lyrical department, but unfortunately it wasn't. Even if you like the music but hate the lyrics, you still have to take in the lyrics anyway, because Dani is easy to understand.


He really hates hearing about women. Maybe some deep-seated fear.
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feratu
Metal newbie

Joined: Thu Jan 25, 2007 7:43 pm
Posts: 129
Location: United States of America
PostPosted: Thu Sep 20, 2007 7:52 pm 
 

Since when are sleazy lyrics bad? Sleaze rules! Moronic Nymphetamine lyrics however...

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PriestofSadWings
Bishop of Dark Spaces

Joined: Wed Dec 06, 2006 6:29 pm
Posts: 653
Location: United States of America
PostPosted: Thu Sep 20, 2007 8:48 pm 
 

transientblur on Scenes From New York wrote:
This band is entirely overrated, and filled with so many self-loving members that it makes Malmsteen look humble. I highly doubt that this is the performance the band gives, but I can’t really attest to their live performances because (thankfully) I haven’t seen one. Sure, the members are talented. Doesn’t mean they make good music. I can easily name better musicians then them.
Bruce Dickinson better than James Labrie
Malmsteen is better than Petrucci
Cliff Burton is better than Myung
Jane Warrman is better than Ruddess
and probably the most overrated of them is Mike Portnoy. Dave Culross is 4 or 5 times better than him.


Let's review that, shall we?

Quote:
Bruce Dickinson better than James Labrie

Agreed.
Quote:
Malmsteen is better than Petrucci

Debatable. But still, talking about how big Dream Theater's egos are, and then saying Malmsteen is better? The hell?
Quote:
Cliff Burton is better than Myung

Again, debatable.
Quote:
Jane Warrman is better than Ruddess

HELL NO.
Quote:
and probably the most overrated of them is Mike Portnoy. Dave Culross is 4 or 5 times better than him.

Malevolent Creation > Dream Theater in the instrument-playing department? Don't make me laugh.
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caspian
Wanderer of the Wastes

Joined: Tue Dec 07, 2004 11:29 pm
Posts: 6119
Location: Australia
PostPosted: Thu Sep 20, 2007 11:08 pm 
 

Lets not turn this thread into a 'hey I disagree with someone's review so I'll put it here' kind of thing, that's really not the point of it.

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requiem99
The Buddhist Killbot

Joined: Wed Jun 30, 2004 4:11 pm
Posts: 541
Location: British Indian Ocean Territory
PostPosted: Fri Sep 21, 2007 7:22 am 
 

I think the point was that the DT review was just so inherently idiotic, ignorant, and incredible it had to be parsed. I completely agree. A more silly "argument" against DT hasn't been made in a long, long time.

Highly "what the christ" and "bad" at the same time.

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Gutterscream
The Last Old Schooler in Town

Joined: Fri Feb 18, 2005 3:59 pm
Posts: 1419
Location: United States
PostPosted: Fri Sep 21, 2007 12:12 pm 
 

An excerpt of Ultraboris's Cirith Ungol - King of the Dead review, a fine amalgam of gravity and levity.

"This album sound more like 1968 than anything else... a lurching creature, born of acid rock and struck by lightning, unleashed to tear the heads off of unsuspecting villagers as they sit and move their bowels."
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saintinhell
Metalhead

Joined: Sun Oct 15, 2006 8:19 am
Posts: 1426
PostPosted: Sun Sep 23, 2007 5:03 am 
 

This passage from UltraBoris's Nesphite review:

"Just really damn weird. If they had made the riffs thrashier - well, ya know, then it wouldn't be Demilich, but it would totally rule. (Okay then it would be Morbid Angel's "Thy Kingdom Come" demo, only more guttural in the vocals and still more fucked up in the riff construction) This way, it's just not an album that you can bang your fucking head against the stage to"

For God's sake, everything this side of Iron Maiden need not be thrashy and uber-fucking headbangable. I understand the need for dissenting opinions, but this is a review seeking the album to be what it is not intended to be.

Boris's thrash reviews are archive-classics, wish he would have stuck to that... *sigh*

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Peregrin
Cricket Bat of Longinus

Joined: Wed Jul 07, 2004 3:09 am
Posts: 1888
Location: Denmark
PostPosted: Sun Sep 23, 2007 10:39 am 
 

hells_unicorn wrote:
cinedracusio wrote:
Kant taught people that reason was impotent? Hahahahahaha, this IS the turd of the millenium. Kant taught exactly the opposite. Geez, if you don't have a solid basis in one's philosophy, don't throw in such impotent statements.


Although that paragraph in question is a tangent that could use a bit of an overhaul and is only very distantly related to the album in question, my opinion on Immanuel Kant stands, having just paged through the Critique of Pure Reason for the 5th time (a chore I wouldn't wish on any human being). If you wish to state your case to the contrary, feel free to send me a shout on myspace and I'll hook you up with my MSN identity.


Y'know, from your posts on the subject matter I get the impression that you keep confusing Kant and Hume, but I guess it's more of a case of one failing to refute the other.

I second Gutterscream's post... I generally like reviews which use visual metaphors, but that's probably because I'm a very visually minded person.

Another noteworthy passage from a UltraBoris review, this time from that of WASP's The Neon God, Part 1:

Boris wrote:
That's right, this is the 80s band that refuses to die... I'm sorry, but this album is such a complete stab into the eyeballs and vaginal surfaces of all the bands that think they've got "it", but have either sold "it" at a grunge-baked shot at a major record label after the first half of the Sanctuary LP, or just, despite MTV and other popular opinion, never had "it" to begin with. Sorry, but this band couldn't give half a horseflying gangfuck of monkeys whose brains Kurt Cobain is blowing out this week, and the assorted noises that come with it.


My reviews haven't been brought up yet? :(
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PriestofSadWings
Bishop of Dark Spaces

Joined: Wed Dec 06, 2006 6:29 pm
Posts: 653
Location: United States of America
PostPosted: Sun Sep 23, 2007 9:28 pm 
 

Peregrin wrote:
My reviews haven't been brought up yet? :(

A lot of times I don't agree with your reviews, but I'll put up a few. No, wait a sec, I was thinking about Falconsbane. Why do I get those two confused? They're both birds?

classic review that I thought was shit at the time - Spear of Longinus
Peregrin wrote:
Ah yes, the phenomenon of "NSBM". That red-headed stepchild of Metal, whose exact origins have been lost in time but most likely was a bizarre domino effect started back in the 1970s by the Blue Öyster Cult song "Me262". Viewed objectively, this movement is rather ridiculous. First, you have the fact that the label is rather useless due to the fact that in my personal experience, the vast majority of metalheads treat nationalism, national socialism, the NSDAP and fascism as more or less synonymous. (They aren't) Building upon this, we THEN have the fact that 99.9% of metalheads' notions of what the Third Reich was about has more in common with "Hellboy" than with actual history... and yes, that statement also applies to practically any NSBM band not consisting of bog-standard nationalists using NSDAP imagery as shock rock tactics to sacrifice credibility for attention. (let's face it, no matter what the merits of Ancient Rites and Forefather, do any of those bands have as much kvlt cred as Burzum and Nokturnal Mortum? Huh? HUH?) Oh, I can already hear the mob of pitchfork-and-torch-carrying NSBMers rush down at me, but let me clarify exactly what I mean...

Really, if that Hellboy comment was an exaggeration, it was a rather small one. Newsflash: Hitler was not a pagan, atheist or even anti-Christian...


The Lord Weird Slough Feg - Down Among the Dead Men
Peregrin wrote:
Earlier in this review, I mentioned the song "Fergus Mac Roich". Well, remember those who say that At the Gates' "Raped by the Light of Christ" is unusually epic for a song no more than 3 minutes long? Well, At the Gates, you can shove that where the sun does not shine, because "Fergus Mac Roich" is simply one of the most epic songs ever written despite being LESS THAN TWO MINUTES LONG! That's right, Slough Feg has managed to cram more of IT, that mystical, alchemical substance which makes music worth listening to, into one and a half minutes than you'll usually find in entire albums, nay, entire careers. It just plain captures the essence of some far-gone mythic age when the world still was young and chaotic, when the gods themselves strode the surface of the earth!


Alpha Drone - self-titled
Best track-by-track review I've ever seen
Peregrin wrote:
But recently, it appears that a F.S.B.M. (Flying Saucer Black Metal) genre has emerged, spearheaded by a German who goes by the stage name "John Gill", who featured flying saucers on the cover of the Black Tribe/The Silence split. His next foray into UFO-themed Black Metal is the self-titled debut album of Alpha Drone, a band whose very name conjures up associations of robots, hive-like spaceships and other space opera paraphnelia. And here, we have their self-titled debut album, whose very existence fills an UFO-interested metaller (e.g. the reviewer) with childlike glee.

Now, first a disclaimer. Since the songs on the album are wildly different from one another, I guess I will have to do a track-by-track review - and since this is rather strange music, expect this to be long. And since I am a total sucker for UFOs and everything related to them, expect rambling and ludicrous UFOlogical interpretations of the songs.


That good enough for you?
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Peregrin
Cricket Bat of Longinus

Joined: Wed Jul 07, 2004 3:09 am
Posts: 1888
Location: Denmark
PostPosted: Mon Sep 24, 2007 5:08 am 
 

I'll repay the favour... from your review of Bonded by Blood:

Quote:
It doesn’t really matter that he’s dead – he’s metal’s version of Chuck Norris, a guy who would bleed metal if that was at all possible. His vocals played a very large role in shaping this thrash classic into what it is. Can you spell “badass”? It’s spelled B-A-L-O-F-F.


From the same person's review of Burn:

Quote:
When I think of this album, I always think of Deep Purple as a school teacher in a classroom. As Purple outlines a lesson in how to change your style of music without compromising your integrity, Rush (a nerdy kid with thick glasses) takes notes. Judas Priest is the dumb kid who doesn’t get it and asks stupid questions like “but isn’t it okay if a band needs money?” Meanwhile, Metallica, Megadeth and Dream Theater are fast asleep in the back of the classroom, their notebooks open but blank. As the teacher takes attendance, he discovers that Def Leppard, In Flames, and Slayer are absent…
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GVOLTT
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Dec 27, 2005 1:33 pm
Posts: 478
Location: United States
PostPosted: Mon Sep 24, 2007 3:13 pm 
 

I don't know why, but this excerpt from Funeral_Shadow's review for Mortician's Hacked Up for the Barbecue stands out at me for some reason:
Quote:
To my surprise, there are lyrics! And for what anyway?! Allow me to quote for you fellow metalheads:

Track number 14 is called Abolition, and the lyrics read something like this (cute little lyrics I might add):

"Rotting corpses
Rats feeding on dead flesh
Crumbling buildings
Aftermath of the earth."

Now here is how it actually sounds:

"Rrrgrrrgh Cruugh
Rauggh Eeegh Uh Deaagh Bleauuugh
Ruuunnghin Bwuuughs
Efffughtas Ugh Duuegh Urggnth"

Its roughly translated, but all around, this is how the album sounds. I understand that there are groups which do this "grunt" style vocals like Cryptopsy, but at least there is range in such group’s vocal style. Plus, you can actually follow along with the lyrics in the book; with Mortician, there is no range - the vocals are very monotonous. I can do growls like that... you can do growls like that... my grand daddy can do that (sounds like it when he coughs), anyone can do vocals like that. There is no talent behind the vocal style. Who am I though to complain about the vocal style, it sounds alright in this album and for a group like them with all the instrument distortion. It's vile and messy sounding as the music is. Still, why have lyrics?!


Nice translation of grunt-styled vocals. The album (although I've only heard a couple of songs) is...eh...just okay to me, by the way.
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Noktorn
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 24, 2007 3:48 pm 
 

What sort of vocals are they supposed to use instead?
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droneriot
RETIRED

Joined: Sat Aug 28, 2004 1:17 pm
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Location: Germany
PostPosted: Mon Sep 24, 2007 4:16 pm 
 

Noktorn wrote:
What sort of vocals are they supposed to use instead?

Maybe Funeral_Shadow thinks Mortician would be a lot better with Dio on vocals.
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Noktorn
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Location: United States
PostPosted: Mon Sep 24, 2007 4:22 pm 
 

droneriot wrote:
Noktorn wrote:
What sort of vocals are they supposed to use instead?

Maybe Funeral_Shadow thinks Mortician would be a lot better with Dio on vocals.


Nah, just anything with more political commentary/industrial influence.
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PriestofSadWings
Bishop of Dark Spaces

Joined: Wed Dec 06, 2006 6:29 pm
Posts: 653
Location: United States of America
PostPosted: Mon Sep 24, 2007 8:08 pm 
 

Peregrin wrote:
I'll repay the favour...

From the same person's review of Burn:

Quote:
When I think of this album, I always think of Deep Purple as a school teacher in a classroom. As Purple outlines a lesson in how to change your style of music without compromising your integrity, Rush (a nerdy kid with thick glasses) takes notes. Judas Priest is the dumb kid who doesn’t get it and asks stupid questions like “but isn’t it okay if a band needs money?” Meanwhile, Metallica, Megadeth and Dream Theater are fast asleep in the back of the classroom, their notebooks open but blank. As the teacher takes attendance, he discovers that Def Leppard, In Flames, and Slayer are absent…


Thanks, although now that they've released Systematic Chaos, Dream Theater are no longer sellouts. Train of Thought and Octavarium were mallprog and alt-prog, respectively, and I didn't like them.

Edit: requiem99's entire review of Into Eternity's latest album was very wtf. I mean, unless they've made some DRASTIC changes to their sound, it's probably not that bad. (Haven't heard it, but I saw the band live, and they were good.)
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Last edited by PriestofSadWings on Mon Sep 24, 2007 8:12 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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OzzyApu
Metal freak

Joined: Fri Oct 13, 2006 12:11 am
Posts: 9879
Location: Seattle, United States
PostPosted: Mon Sep 24, 2007 8:11 pm 
 

Peregrin wrote:
I'll repay the favour...

From the same person's review of Burn:

Quote:
When I think of this album, I always think of Deep Purple as a school teacher in a classroom. As Purple outlines a lesson in how to change your style of music without compromising your integrity, Rush (a nerdy kid with thick glasses) takes notes. Judas Priest is the dumb kid who doesn’t get it and asks stupid questions like “but isn’t it okay if a band needs money?” Meanwhile, Metallica, Megadeth and Dream Theater are fast asleep in the back of the classroom, their notebooks open but blank. As the teacher takes attendance, he discovers that Def Leppard, In Flames, and Slayer are absent…

:lol: This cracked me up
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PriestofSadWings
Bishop of Dark Spaces

Joined: Wed Dec 06, 2006 6:29 pm
Posts: 653
Location: United States of America
PostPosted: Mon Sep 24, 2007 8:15 pm 
 

Is it okay to post stuff from reviews you're working on?

My unfinished review for Priestess - Hello Master wrote:
There is no deeper meaning behind this album. There is no controversy surrounding any of the band members. There is no story behind the album. There is a voice calling for me. There is a light coming down on me. There is a doubt that is clearing. There is an Opeth song I’m quoting.

Shit.


Edit: Review has been submitted! :)
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The_Beast_In_Black wrote:
In the interests of fairness, Japan is not allowed in any ridiculousness contests.


Last edited by PriestofSadWings on Mon Sep 24, 2007 10:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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GuntherTheUndying
Crimson King, Eater of Worlds

Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2006 4:36 pm
Posts: 2653
Location: United States
PostPosted: Mon Sep 24, 2007 8:44 pm 
 

PriestofSadWings wrote:
Is it okay to post stuff from reviews you're working on?

My unfinished review for Priestess - Hello Master wrote:
There is no deeper meaning behind this album. There is no controversy surrounding any of the band members. There is no story behind the album. There is a voice calling for me. There is a light coming down on me. There is a doubt that is clearing. There is an Opeth song I’m quoting.

Shit.

:lol:

That's really good!
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hells_unicorn
Metalhead

Joined: Tue Feb 15, 2005 8:32 pm
Posts: 2253
Location: United States
PostPosted: Mon Sep 24, 2007 9:18 pm 
 

PriestofSadWings wrote:
requiem99's entire review of Into Eternity's latest album was very wtf. I mean, unless they've made some DRASTIC changes to their sound, it's probably not that bad. (Haven't heard it, but I saw the band live, and they were good.)


Several of Requiem99's negative reviews tend to be pretty light on specifics and loaded with generalized ridicule. I disagree with him on the latest Into Eternity album, but I can respect his disdain towards bands with slight Metalcore tendencies, and there are some in the case of that band. However, I'm still trying to figure out what bug crawled up his ass when he reviewed Olympos Mons' "Conquistador". It's not the greatest album I've heard, but it's way better than a lot of the other bands that he has bashed in similar fashions.
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OlympicSharpshooter
The Universal Magnetic

Joined: Wed Dec 31, 2003 3:24 pm
Posts: 1991
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Tue Sep 25, 2007 12:04 am 
 

PriestofSadWings wrote:
Peregrin wrote:
I'll repay the favour...

From the same person's review of Burn:

Quote:
When I think of this album, I always think of Deep Purple as a school teacher in a classroom. As Purple outlines a lesson in how to change your style of music without compromising your integrity, Rush (a nerdy kid with thick glasses) takes notes. Judas Priest is the dumb kid who doesn’t get it and asks stupid questions like “but isn’t it okay if a band needs money?” Meanwhile, Metallica, Megadeth and Dream Theater are fast asleep in the back of the classroom, their notebooks open but blank. As the teacher takes attendance, he discovers that Def Leppard, In Flames, and Slayer are absent…


Thanks, although now that they've released Systematic Chaos, Dream Theater are no longer sellouts. Train of Thought and Octavarium were mallprog and alt-prog, respectively, and I didn't like them.

Edit: requiem99's entire review of Into Eternity's latest album was very wtf. I mean, unless they've made some DRASTIC changes to their sound, it's probably not that bad. (Haven't heard it, but I saw the band live, and they were good.)


They're 'no longer sell-outs' because they started doing paint-by-numbers prog again? Horseshit. Making compromised music to pay the bills sans-inspiration remains a sin, regardless of what genre one is ostensibly performing in.
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Peregrin
Cricket Bat of Longinus

Joined: Wed Jul 07, 2004 3:09 am
Posts: 1888
Location: Denmark
PostPosted: Tue Sep 25, 2007 11:33 am 
 

Nightgaunt on Azrael's Into Shadows, Act I: Denial

Nightgaunt wrote:
While Azrael has succeeded in creating a blanket of darkness to envelope the listener, it is not the darkness of the forgotten tomb of a once great personage fallen from grace; not that of a nighted sylvan expanse; nor that of the mortal mind turned inward upon itself in ominous rumination. It is the board-walled darkness of a mass-produced condominium in a failed project, sealed off and abandoned; never knowing any footfalls or contemplations aside from those of the cockroaches and assorted rodents, with their small concerns of "eat-shit-fuck-repeat." Nothing more. "Emptiness", indeed.
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Empyreal
The Final Frontier

Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2006 6:58 pm
Posts: 19324
Location: Where the dead rule the night
PostPosted: Tue Sep 25, 2007 7:47 pm 
 

Cheesed Priced again on Nargaroth's "Black Metal Ist Krieg":

Quote:
Yes, zero. That itself merits a word or two.

I know a lot of reviewers rating on a one hundred-point scale, here and elsewhere, think of a blank tape as being a zero. Anything the band does right would be considered an improvement over that.

I find that to be wrongheaded. I rather like listening to nothing. I spend more time listening to nothing than I do any form of music. In fact, I�m listening to nothing right now. I�d give a blank tape about a fifty. I don�t put much thought into the ratings I assign, but as a very rough rule of thumb, if I give an album a rating of less than fifty, assume I would rather turn the stereo off and sit in silence than trudge through it yet again.

More than fifty means that I enjoy listening to it, to one degree or another. One hundred would mean that the album does everything right, of course. Zero, on the other hand, would mean that an album does everything wrong � that it is the absolute inversion of everything that is right and good about music, a total abomination that should be purged from existence.


Just because I wholeheartedly agree with it, and because I seem to see a lot of people saying it's not right to give out 0s to any album here.

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requiem99
The Buddhist Killbot

Joined: Wed Jun 30, 2004 4:11 pm
Posts: 541
Location: British Indian Ocean Territory
PostPosted: Tue Sep 25, 2007 8:43 pm 
 

I only have two responses to the posts about me, and first one to Hells Unicorn:

Probably shouldn't question someone else's negative reviews until you write one or two of your own.


And now RE: Into Eternity

What a joke of a band. You can't defend anything they've ever done, least of all the latest album. Nobody can. You can try, but trying makes you look foolish. I quite clearly stated in my article why they're bad in addition to being soulless. "Listenable" instrumentals do not necessarily reprieve you from the boom stick, and I don't have to dissect every track and instrument to get my point across. I rampaged on the music itself as well as the "spirit" of this gutterspawn creation they call an "album", so quit your whining and write your own review if you feel Into Eternity needs you to save them from a single person's opinion (even one as strongly worded and delivered as mine was). I'm sure they need all the help they can get.

And if you don't believe me, believe someone else! It isn't like I personally care who listens to me. I get enough positive and negative mail to know where I stand with the readers. I'm only here to offer MY opinion and MY opinion states that I am 100 percent correct in judging Into Eternity as a soulless cookie-cutter pop farce. Any other offering would be false and I will not pen such.

BRUN "ENDDERAIL" ,8,1

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droneriot
RETIRED

Joined: Sat Aug 28, 2004 1:17 pm
Posts: 5245
Location: Germany
PostPosted: Tue Sep 25, 2007 9:20 pm 
 

requiem99 wrote:
Probably shouldn't question someone else's negative reviews until you write one or two of your own.

You know very well that he can't question god's flawless creation.
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DrOctavia
Do Dark Horses Dream of Nightmares?

Joined: Thu May 19, 2005 9:02 pm
Posts: 1344
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Tue Sep 25, 2007 10:13 pm 
 

Noktorn actually managed to catch my attention with this one:
Noktorn wrote:
Imagine, if you will, bleeding to death from a massive puncture wound in your thigh on the side of the road, and in the few brief, precious seconds of your life, a Band-Aid truck passes by. The final hacking, sputtering, bitter laugh that escapes your lips in that situation is the only sound that accurately describes Tuominen's performance. Every word has some level of absurd rock vibrato, and the content seems to alternate between emulation of Bon Jovi, Eddie Vedder, Sully Erna, and a moocow. Yes, a moocow. Tuomas Tuominen, for the record, at points on 'Aerolithe', sounds like a fucking moocow.
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