oh dear god

Here's a good one:

On North - Great Silence

Got Silence - 80%
May 2nd, 2014

The North, Great band! Album The Great Silence, saw them in santa cruz ca.

*****Highly recommend***** Live and Album

Scoring them a 80% because I heard them in a small bar area which was still great.

The 20% is to get these guys on a bigger stage with bigger stronger equiptment to really send spine chilling rifs to crowds.

This review has the appearance of most bot-generated porn ads that enter my spam box. Especially those stars accompanying Highly recommend...

I get plenty asking me if I want, "bigger, stronger equipment"

My first

And it's AAAAALLL downhill from there.

All his reviews are concluded with "Hail Satan"! A true intellectual.

What the fuck does "A-Core" mean? Ass-Core?

Well Thy Art is Murder are deathcore and they suck ass, so probably.

Nailed it:

I'm not sure what's worse, that review or the album cover... definitely the cover.

Eh, are the days of "what a sex!" and "HORSE COCK" over with?

Am I the only one thinking that part where the reviewer says "Put 5 points" is hilarious?! Like, he's rating the quality of his own review?!

I liked the "5 points" part, too. Diamhea's response was perfect.

Hopefully.

Doesn't start terribly, but he suddenly seems to run out of time and/or patience and just says "fuck it." Most of us usually save a draft or scrap it altogether at this juncture. Not this dude.

They spent the entirety of the review declaring that Goremageddon is the greatest piece of art since the last time Leonardo da Vinci did anything, and worshiping at Sven de Caluwe's feet all along... and then gives it a seventy five? This review fails on multiple levels.

My eyes clapped on this one! Clapped, I tell you! Broke into rigorous ocular applause!

I love that ending. "I gotta say..." is such a glorious way to end a review.

Calling any kind of lyrics like that well written is hilarious, especially since the only reason he says that is because of "medical terminology." Granted they actually are pretty well written from a linguistic point of view, at a glance, but even so - it's the subject matter that counts.

Medical terminology is one of the bigger gimmicks in this sort of death metal and it's really starting to annoy me. I'd rather have the "amateurish B-movie horror" because at that at least that doesn't come across as pretentious.

"Erupted thoracic savies - serum, pus and offal" say thee? Fuck you.

Looking at the first song reveals some pretty god-awful misogyny as well, even if it is posed to be from a "character" in the lyrics. I did used to enjoy that album a bit but I couldn't take anyone seriously who would actually defend those lyrics. Not to say I didn't expect offensive shit from Aborted, but even so, it's still pretty damn bad anyway.

His French is also bad! Ah!

This comment just made this one of my favorite reviews of all time here.

I'm kinda on the fence with this one, but when it gets bad it gets incomprehensible, calling Petrozza 'The Mille' and a CD a 'Mature plastic tray' just to name a couple:

Uses a few really weird terms, maybe you could note that to him, make sure he'll make it into something easier and better to read, apart from that it's a nice review imo

I'm not sure if the author understands "hot" can be used to say that someone is sexually attractive... I'm not sure which way is funnier either.

Thou shall learn what's music from me, you peasants!

"In this album you will hear drums."
That's a first in metal, right?

If it were up to me, his original submission could have squeezed by as a weak 3-pointer. This is why I don't have rank I guess But making an ass of himself in response to rejection, yeah, he shat his nest right there.

Come on y'all, I wish we had more smartass responses like that. Usually if somebody puts in an addendum like that it's just WTF GUNTHER YOU ARE THE GAY #1.

My personal favorite was when I rejected a review for being a track by track and told him to take that out and give a big picture view instead, and he resubmit it with only the intro and outro paragraphs.

I like what he was aiming for there, but it's greatly overshadowed by the fact that he called it a "prologue" and then stuck it on the end. That's an epilogue goddammit

Apes that run the web site. Hahahaha. I love it. No really, I do. Nothing invokes the mods to say "I love you" like comparing them to the monolith scene from the movie 2001.

Barely fits...but:

^ I'd approve that

"Change yups, keep on detonating those real hot nukes..." Is that his own words ~describing~ the album, or a cut of the band's lyrics?

2edgy4me: "And I'll get my copy on cassette, so then I could play it while driving my car even though I do not have a driving license!"