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tomcat_ha
Veteran

Joined: Fri Oct 27, 2006 8:05 am
Posts: 2814
Location: Netherlands
PostPosted: Thu May 01, 2014 5:07 pm 
 

oh dear god

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theunrelentingattack
Not yet ready for a custom title

Joined: Wed Sep 14, 2011 5:18 pm
Posts: 740
Location: United States
PostPosted: Fri May 02, 2014 9:26 am 
 

Here's a good one:

On North - Great Silence

Got Silence - 80%
May 2nd, 2014

The North, Great band! Album The Great Silence, saw them in santa cruz ca.

*****Highly recommend***** Live and Album

Scoring them a 80% because I heard them in a small bar area which was still great.

The 20% is to get these guys on a bigger stage with bigger stronger equiptment to really send spine chilling rifs to crowds.
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In a recent review: "I didn't expect any "new" record by any "new" band to blow me like this."

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TripeOverload
Metal newbie

Joined: Tue Dec 03, 2013 11:46 am
Posts: 234
Location: Romania (The Land of Jokes)
PostPosted: Sat May 10, 2014 6:15 am 
 

This review has the appearance of most bot-generated porn ads that enter my spam box. :lol: Especially those stars accompanying Highly recommend...
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Smoking_Gnu wrote:
But seriously, someone tell me what's so funny about Hellveto's name. Is veto Polish for blowjob or something?

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theunrelentingattack
Not yet ready for a custom title

Joined: Wed Sep 14, 2011 5:18 pm
Posts: 740
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sun May 11, 2014 8:53 am 
 

TripeOverload wrote:
This review has the appearance of most bot-generated porn ads that enter my spam box. :lol: Especially those stars accompanying Highly recommend...


I get plenty asking me if I want, "bigger, stronger equipment"
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In a recent review: "I didn't expect any "new" record by any "new" band to blow me like this."

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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
Posts: 3846
Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Tue May 27, 2014 1:50 am 
 

My first

Spoiler: show
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Passive-aggressive complainee wrote:
Communicating exclusively in gifs makes you the most annoying mod ever

http://www.myspace.com/thevala
http://www.last.fm/user/Diamhea

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Subrick
Metal freak

Joined: Sun Sep 12, 2010 7:27 pm
Posts: 5831
Location: United States
PostPosted: Thu May 29, 2014 3:03 am 
 

And it's AAAAALLL downhill from there.
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Sorrowseed Melodic Extreme Metal
Blacksoul Seraphim Doomgaze
Thy Ancient Crypt Blackened Death Metal

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Metantoine
The XVI, dominar to over 258714 subjects

Joined: Sat Jun 21, 2008 5:00 pm
Posts: 8857
Location: Québec
PostPosted: Fri Jun 06, 2014 8:44 pm 
 

All his reviews are concluded with "Hail Satan"! A true intellectual.
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PhilosophicalFrog wrote:
JESUS CRUST, I didn't know this was the goddamn pizza inquisition.

Metantoine's Magickal Realm
Last.fm
Halberd (doom/death)

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Wilytank
Not a Flying Toy

Joined: Thu Jul 30, 2009 7:21 am
Posts: 3489
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sat Jun 07, 2014 1:25 am 
 

What the fuck does "A-Core" mean? Ass-Core?
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Oddeye wrote:
bug_man wrote:
a whole planet, made out of satan


That. Is. METAL!

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Subrick
Metal freak

Joined: Sun Sep 12, 2010 7:27 pm
Posts: 5831
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sat Jun 07, 2014 1:57 am 
 

Well Thy Art is Murder are deathcore and they suck ass, so probably.
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Sorrowseed Melodic Extreme Metal
Blacksoul Seraphim Doomgaze
Thy Ancient Crypt Blackened Death Metal

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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
Posts: 3846
Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Sat Jun 07, 2014 2:37 pm 
 

Spoiler: show
Image


Nailed it:
Spoiler: show
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Passive-aggressive complainee wrote:
Communicating exclusively in gifs makes you the most annoying mod ever

http://www.myspace.com/thevala
http://www.last.fm/user/Diamhea

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Sick6Six
Metalhead

Joined: Wed Dec 05, 2012 12:01 pm
Posts: 935
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sat Jun 07, 2014 2:44 pm 
 

I'm not sure what's worse, that review or the album cover... definitely the cover.
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BastardHead
Magic Mike

Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2005 7:53 pm
Posts: 5406
Location: Oswego, Illinois
PostPosted: Sat Jun 07, 2014 2:58 pm 
 

Eh, are the days of "what a sex!" and "HORSE COCK" over with?
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Lair of the Bastard: LATEST REVIEW: Job for a Cowboy - Sun Eater

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androdion
Metal freak

Joined: Thu Sep 28, 2006 10:34 am
Posts: 5094
Location: Portugal
PostPosted: Sat Jun 07, 2014 3:29 pm 
 

Am I the only one thinking that part where the reviewer says "Put 5 points" is hilarious?! Like, he's rating the quality of his own review?! :lol:
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ANGST ISST DIE SEELE AUF
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OzzyApu
Metal freak

Joined: Fri Oct 13, 2006 12:11 am
Posts: 9855
Location: Seattle, United States
PostPosted: Sat Jun 07, 2014 6:22 pm 
 

I liked the "5 points" part, too. Diamhea's response was perfect.
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gomorro wrote:
Yesterday was the birthday of school pal and I met the chick of my sigh (I've talked about here before, the she-wolf I use to be inlove with)... Maaan she was using a mini-skirt too damn insane... Dude you could saw her entire soul every time she sit...

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Grave_Wyrm
Metalhead

Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2012 5:55 pm
Posts: 2211
Location: At the bottom of the lake
PostPosted: Sat Jun 07, 2014 7:08 pm 
 

BastardHead wrote:
Eh, are the days of "what a sex!" and "HORSE COCK" over with?

Hopefully.
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TheStormIRide wrote:
Strange whistling vocals in human monster? Color me intrigued.

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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
Posts: 3846
Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Mon Jun 09, 2014 12:05 am 
 

Doesn't start terribly, but he suddenly seems to run out of time and/or patience and just says "fuck it." Most of us usually save a draft or scrap it altogether at this juncture. Not this dude.

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http://www.myspace.com/thevala
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Rykov
Metal newbie

Joined: Mon Jun 03, 2013 11:52 pm
Posts: 252
PostPosted: Tue Jun 10, 2014 1:53 am 
 

They spent the entirety of the review declaring that Goremageddon is the greatest piece of art since the last time Leonardo da Vinci did anything, and worshiping at Sven de Caluwe's feet all along... and then gives it a seventy five? This review fails on multiple levels.
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in love, nothing is eternal but drinking your wine
there is no reason for bringing my life to you, other
than losing it.
I said, I just want to know you and then disappear.
you said, knowing me does not mean dying.


My (ever-shifting, constantly developing) top 100 album list

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MutantClannfear
Metalhead

Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 12:12 am
Posts: 2303
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue Jun 10, 2014 2:06 am 
 

My eyes clapped on this one! Clapped, I tell you! Broke into rigorous ocular applause!
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Wilytank wrote:
Aeosphorus wrote:
there are post-black metal bands such as ...Sunn O.

When did we start calling Sunn O))) black metal and how soon can we stop?

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PhilosophicalFrog
The Hypercube

Joined: Thu May 04, 2006 7:08 pm
Posts: 5983
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue Jun 10, 2014 9:52 am 
 

I love that ending. "I gotta say..." is such a glorious way to end a review.
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"Don't you talk to me 'bout Jesus, cause every word is blasphemy!"

BAPTIST- drone, meditation, ambient - new song!

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Empyreal
The Final Frontier

Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2006 6:58 pm
Posts: 19238
Location: Where the dead rule the night
PostPosted: Tue Jun 10, 2014 10:15 am 
 

Calling any kind of lyrics like that well written is hilarious, especially since the only reason he says that is because of "medical terminology." Granted they actually are pretty well written from a linguistic point of view, at a glance, but even so - it's the subject matter that counts.
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Cinema Freaks latest reviews: The Nun

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Wilytank
Not a Flying Toy

Joined: Thu Jul 30, 2009 7:21 am
Posts: 3489
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue Jun 10, 2014 12:17 pm 
 

Empyreal wrote:
Calling any kind of lyrics like that well written is hilarious, especially since the only reason he says that is because of "medical terminology."


Medical terminology is one of the bigger gimmicks in this sort of death metal and it's really starting to annoy me. I'd rather have the "amateurish B-movie horror" because at that at least that doesn't come across as pretentious.

"Erupted thoracic savies - serum, pus and offal" say thee? Fuck you.
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Oddeye wrote:
bug_man wrote:
a whole planet, made out of satan


That. Is. METAL!

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Empyreal
The Final Frontier

Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2006 6:58 pm
Posts: 19238
Location: Where the dead rule the night
PostPosted: Tue Jun 10, 2014 2:48 pm 
 

Looking at the first song reveals some pretty god-awful misogyny as well, even if it is posed to be from a "character" in the lyrics. I did used to enjoy that album a bit but I couldn't take anyone seriously who would actually defend those lyrics. Not to say I didn't expect offensive shit from Aborted, but even so, it's still pretty damn bad anyway.
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Cinema Freaks latest reviews: The Nun

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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
Posts: 3846
Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Tue Jun 17, 2014 9:15 pm 
 

Spoiler: show
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Metantoine
The XVI, dominar to over 258714 subjects

Joined: Sat Jun 21, 2008 5:00 pm
Posts: 8857
Location: Québec
PostPosted: Tue Jun 17, 2014 10:42 pm 
 

His French is also bad! Ah!
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PhilosophicalFrog wrote:
JESUS CRUST, I didn't know this was the goddamn pizza inquisition.

Metantoine's Magickal Realm
Last.fm
Halberd (doom/death)

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MutantClannfear
Metalhead

Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 12:12 am
Posts: 2303
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue Jun 17, 2014 11:31 pm 
 

Metantoine wrote:
His French is also bad! Ah!

:lol: This comment just made this one of my favorite reviews of all time here.
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Wilytank wrote:
Aeosphorus wrote:
there are post-black metal bands such as ...Sunn O.

When did we start calling Sunn O))) black metal and how soon can we stop?

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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
Posts: 3846
Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Mon Jun 23, 2014 4:34 am 
 

I'm kinda on the fence with this one, but when it gets bad it gets incomprehensible, calling Petrozza 'The Mille' and a CD a 'Mature plastic tray' just to name a couple:

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Passive-aggressive complainee wrote:
Communicating exclusively in gifs makes you the most annoying mod ever

http://www.myspace.com/thevala
http://www.last.fm/user/Diamhea

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LeMiserable
Milhouse van Houten

Joined: Sun Dec 08, 2013 7:42 am
Posts: 509
Location: Netherlands
PostPosted: Mon Jun 23, 2014 5:27 am 
 

Diamhea wrote:
I'm kinda on the fence with this one, but when it gets bad it gets incomprehensible, calling Petrozza 'The Mille' and a CD a 'Mature plastic tray' just to name a couple:


Uses a few really weird terms, maybe you could note that to him, make sure he'll make it into something easier and better to read, apart from that it's a nice review imo

Spoiler: show
score too high damnit :grumble:
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tomcat_ha about me bashing kluseba's musical taste wrote:
i would normally use the saying pot calling the kettle black but in your case its more like a black hole calling a kettle black.

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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
Posts: 3846
Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Tue Jun 24, 2014 3:07 am 
 

Spoiler: show
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lord_ghengis
Metal freak

Joined: Mon Dec 04, 2006 8:31 pm
Posts: 5400
Location: Australia
PostPosted: Tue Jun 24, 2014 6:48 am 
 

I'm not sure if the author understands "hot" can be used to say that someone is sexually attractive... I'm not sure which way is funnier either.
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Naamath wrote:
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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
Posts: 3846
Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Fri Jun 27, 2014 2:18 am 
 

Spoiler: show
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:thumbsdown:
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Passive-aggressive complainee wrote:
Communicating exclusively in gifs makes you the most annoying mod ever

http://www.myspace.com/thevala
http://www.last.fm/user/Diamhea

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LeMiserable
Milhouse van Houten

Joined: Sun Dec 08, 2013 7:42 am
Posts: 509
Location: Netherlands
PostPosted: Fri Jun 27, 2014 3:12 am 
 

Thou shall learn what's music from me, you peasants!
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tomcat_ha about me bashing kluseba's musical taste wrote:
i would normally use the saying pot calling the kettle black but in your case its more like a black hole calling a kettle black.

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Rompestromper
Metal newbie

Joined: Mon Jun 23, 2014 2:37 pm
Posts: 128
Location: Netherlands
PostPosted: Fri Jun 27, 2014 3:24 am 
 

"In this album you will hear drums."
That's a first in metal, right?

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severzhavnost
Metalhead

Joined: Sun Oct 12, 2008 10:16 pm
Posts: 723
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Fri Jun 27, 2014 3:04 pm 
 

If it were up to me, his original submission could have squeezed by as a weak 3-pointer. This is why I don't have rank I guess :p But making an ass of himself in response to rejection, yeah, he shat his nest right there.
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bassistneededlolnot wrote:
I tried to think of another good pun on the topic, but I'm stumped.

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BastardHead
Magic Mike

Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2005 7:53 pm
Posts: 5406
Location: Oswego, Illinois
PostPosted: Fri Jun 27, 2014 3:25 pm 
 

Come on y'all, I wish we had more smartass responses like that. Usually if somebody puts in an addendum like that it's just WTF GUNTHER YOU ARE THE GAY #1.

My personal favorite was when I rejected a review for being a track by track and told him to take that out and give a big picture view instead, and he resubmit it with only the intro and outro paragraphs.
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Lair of the Bastard: LATEST REVIEW: Job for a Cowboy - Sun Eater

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MutantClannfear
Metalhead

Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 12:12 am
Posts: 2303
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sat Jun 28, 2014 3:00 am 
 

I like what he was aiming for there, but it's greatly overshadowed by the fact that he called it a "prologue" and then stuck it on the end. That's an epilogue goddammit
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Wilytank wrote:
Aeosphorus wrote:
there are post-black metal bands such as ...Sunn O.

When did we start calling Sunn O))) black metal and how soon can we stop?

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SteveHNo96
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Sat Dec 13, 2008 8:32 pm
Posts: 5
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sat Jun 28, 2014 3:39 am 
 

Apes that run the web site. Hahahaha. I love it. No really, I do. Nothing invokes the mods to say "I love you" like comparing them to the monolith scene from the movie 2001.

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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
Posts: 3846
Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Sat Jun 28, 2014 4:36 am 
 

Barely fits...but:
Spoiler: show
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LeMiserable
Milhouse van Houten

Joined: Sun Dec 08, 2013 7:42 am
Posts: 509
Location: Netherlands
PostPosted: Sat Jun 28, 2014 6:53 am 
 

^ I'd approve that :lol:
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tomcat_ha about me bashing kluseba's musical taste wrote:
i would normally use the saying pot calling the kettle black but in your case its more like a black hole calling a kettle black.

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severzhavnost
Metalhead

Joined: Sun Oct 12, 2008 10:16 pm
Posts: 723
Location: Canada
PostPosted: Sun Jun 29, 2014 11:31 am 
 

"Change yups, keep on detonating those real hot nukes..." :lol: Is that his own words ~describing~ the album, or a cut of the band's lyrics?
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bassistneededlolnot wrote:
I tried to think of another good pun on the topic, but I'm stumped.

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Metantoine
The XVI, dominar to over 258714 subjects

Joined: Sat Jun 21, 2008 5:00 pm
Posts: 8857
Location: Québec
PostPosted: Fri Jul 04, 2014 3:15 pm 
 

2edgy4me: "And I'll get my copy on cassette, so then I could play it while driving my car even though I do not have a driving license!"
Spoiler: show
Image
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PhilosophicalFrog wrote:
JESUS CRUST, I didn't know this was the goddamn pizza inquisition.

Metantoine's Magickal Realm
Last.fm
Halberd (doom/death)

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