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tomcat_ha
Veteran

Joined: Fri Oct 27, 2006 8:05 am
Posts: 3856
Location: Netherlands
PostPosted: Thu May 01, 2014 5:07 pm 
 

oh dear god

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theunrelentingattack
Not yet ready for a custom title

Joined: Wed Sep 14, 2011 5:18 pm
Posts: 1079
Location: United States
PostPosted: Fri May 02, 2014 9:26 am 
 

Here's a good one:

On North - Great Silence

Got Silence - 80%
May 2nd, 2014

The North, Great band! Album The Great Silence, saw them in santa cruz ca.

*****Highly recommend***** Live and Album

Scoring them a 80% because I heard them in a small bar area which was still great.

The 20% is to get these guys on a bigger stage with bigger stronger equiptment to really send spine chilling rifs to crowds.
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TripeOverload
Metal newbie

Joined: Tue Dec 03, 2013 11:46 am
Posts: 391
Location: Romania (The Land of Jokes)
PostPosted: Sat May 10, 2014 6:15 am 
 

This review has the appearance of most bot-generated porn ads that enter my spam box. :lol: Especially those stars accompanying Highly recommend...
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theunrelentingattack
Not yet ready for a custom title

Joined: Wed Sep 14, 2011 5:18 pm
Posts: 1079
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sun May 11, 2014 8:53 am 
 

TripeOverload wrote:
This review has the appearance of most bot-generated porn ads that enter my spam box. :lol: Especially those stars accompanying Highly recommend...


I get plenty asking me if I want, "bigger, stronger equipment"
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"You do not deserve to claiming a metal "

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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
Posts: 7022
Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Tue May 27, 2014 1:50 am 
 

My first

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Iron_Wizard wrote:
I read about sex online. Thats how i figured out how to masturbate. It took me a while to figure it out.

Last.fm

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Subrick
Metal freak

Joined: Sun Sep 12, 2010 7:27 pm
Posts: 6908
Location: United States
PostPosted: Thu May 29, 2014 3:03 am 
 

And it's AAAAALLL downhill from there.
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Blacksoul Seraphim Gothic/Doom/Black Metal

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Metantoine
bébé ours

Joined: Sat Jun 21, 2008 5:00 pm
Posts: 10497
Location: Québec
PostPosted: Fri Jun 06, 2014 8:44 pm 
 

All his reviews are concluded with "Hail Satan"! A true intellectual.
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Wilytank
Not a Flying Toy

Joined: Thu Jul 30, 2009 7:21 am
Posts: 4026
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sat Jun 07, 2014 1:25 am 
 

What the fuck does "A-Core" mean? Ass-Core?
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muun wrote:
Lone pounding tom sounds like another word for peeping tom.

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Subrick
Metal freak

Joined: Sun Sep 12, 2010 7:27 pm
Posts: 6908
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sat Jun 07, 2014 1:57 am 
 

Well Thy Art is Murder are deathcore and they suck ass, so probably.
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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
Posts: 7022
Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Sat Jun 07, 2014 2:37 pm 
 

Spoiler: show
Image


Nailed it:
Spoiler: show
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Iron_Wizard wrote:
I read about sex online. Thats how i figured out how to masturbate. It took me a while to figure it out.

Last.fm

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Sick6Six
Metalhead

Joined: Wed Dec 05, 2012 12:01 pm
Posts: 1119
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sat Jun 07, 2014 2:44 pm 
 

I'm not sure what's worse, that review or the album cover... definitely the cover.

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BastardHead
Magic Mike

Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2005 7:53 pm
Posts: 6928
Location: Elgin, Illinois
PostPosted: Sat Jun 07, 2014 2:58 pm 
 

Eh, are the days of "what a sex!" and "HORSE COCK" over with?
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Lair of the Bastard: LATEST REVIEW: Diamond Plate - Pulse

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androdion
Metal freak

Joined: Thu Sep 28, 2006 10:34 am
Posts: 5646
Location: Portugal
PostPosted: Sat Jun 07, 2014 3:29 pm 
 

Am I the only one thinking that part where the reviewer says "Put 5 points" is hilarious?! Like, he's rating the quality of his own review?! :lol:
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OzzyApu
Metal freak

Joined: Fri Oct 13, 2006 12:11 am
Posts: 10126
Location: Korea
PostPosted: Sat Jun 07, 2014 6:22 pm 
 

I liked the "5 points" part, too. Diamhea's response was perfect.
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Grave_Wyrm
Veteran

Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2012 5:55 pm
Posts: 3122
PostPosted: Sat Jun 07, 2014 7:08 pm 
 

BastardHead wrote:
Eh, are the days of "what a sex!" and "HORSE COCK" over with?

Hopefully.
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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
Posts: 7022
Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Mon Jun 09, 2014 12:05 am 
 

Doesn't start terribly, but he suddenly seems to run out of time and/or patience and just says "fuck it." Most of us usually save a draft or scrap it altogether at this juncture. Not this dude.

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Iron_Wizard wrote:
I read about sex online. Thats how i figured out how to masturbate. It took me a while to figure it out.

Last.fm

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Rykov
Metal newbie

Joined: Mon Jun 03, 2013 11:52 pm
Posts: 387
PostPosted: Tue Jun 10, 2014 1:53 am 
 

They spent the entirety of the review declaring that Goremageddon is the greatest piece of art since the last time Leonardo da Vinci did anything, and worshiping at Sven de Caluwe's feet all along... and then gives it a seventy five? This review fails on multiple levels.
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MutantClannfear
Veteran

Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 12:12 am
Posts: 2683
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue Jun 10, 2014 2:06 am 
 

My eyes clapped on this one! Clapped, I tell you! Broke into rigorous ocular applause!
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PhilosophicalFrog
The Hypercube

Joined: Thu May 04, 2006 7:08 pm
Posts: 7184
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue Jun 10, 2014 9:52 am 
 

I love that ending. "I gotta say..." is such a glorious way to end a review.
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Empyreal
The Final Frontier

Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2006 6:58 pm
Posts: 22097
Location: Where the dead rule the night
PostPosted: Tue Jun 10, 2014 10:15 am 
 

Calling any kind of lyrics like that well written is hilarious, especially since the only reason he says that is because of "medical terminology." Granted they actually are pretty well written from a linguistic point of view, at a glance, but even so - it's the subject matter that counts.
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Wilytank
Not a Flying Toy

Joined: Thu Jul 30, 2009 7:21 am
Posts: 4026
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue Jun 10, 2014 12:17 pm 
 

Empyreal wrote:
Calling any kind of lyrics like that well written is hilarious, especially since the only reason he says that is because of "medical terminology."


Medical terminology is one of the bigger gimmicks in this sort of death metal and it's really starting to annoy me. I'd rather have the "amateurish B-movie horror" because at that at least that doesn't come across as pretentious.

"Erupted thoracic savies - serum, pus and offal" say thee? Fuck you.
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muun wrote:
Lone pounding tom sounds like another word for peeping tom.

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Empyreal
The Final Frontier

Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2006 6:58 pm
Posts: 22097
Location: Where the dead rule the night
PostPosted: Tue Jun 10, 2014 2:48 pm 
 

Looking at the first song reveals some pretty god-awful misogyny as well, even if it is posed to be from a "character" in the lyrics. I did used to enjoy that album a bit but I couldn't take anyone seriously who would actually defend those lyrics. Not to say I didn't expect offensive shit from Aborted, but even so, it's still pretty damn bad anyway.
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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
Posts: 7022
Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Tue Jun 17, 2014 9:15 pm 
 

Spoiler: show
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Metantoine
bébé ours

Joined: Sat Jun 21, 2008 5:00 pm
Posts: 10497
Location: Québec
PostPosted: Tue Jun 17, 2014 10:42 pm 
 

His French is also bad! Ah!
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Metantoine's Magickal Realm
Halberd (doom/death)
dystopia4 doing his coming out wrote:
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MutantClannfear
Veteran

Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 12:12 am
Posts: 2683
Location: United States
PostPosted: Tue Jun 17, 2014 11:31 pm 
 

Metantoine wrote:
His French is also bad! Ah!

:lol: This comment just made this one of my favorite reviews of all time here.
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Zodijackyl wrote:
Some people might be very offended if you mixed up pagan folk and black folk.

PhilosophicalFrog wrote:
Guys, Big Autism is behind it.

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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
Posts: 7022
Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Mon Jun 23, 2014 4:34 am 
 

I'm kinda on the fence with this one, but when it gets bad it gets incomprehensible, calling Petrozza 'The Mille' and a CD a 'Mature plastic tray' just to name a couple:

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Iron_Wizard wrote:
I read about sex online. Thats how i figured out how to masturbate. It took me a while to figure it out.

Last.fm

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LeMiserable
Milhouse van Houten

Joined: Sun Dec 08, 2013 7:42 am
Posts: 567
Location: Netherlands
PostPosted: Mon Jun 23, 2014 5:27 am 
 

Diamhea wrote:
I'm kinda on the fence with this one, but when it gets bad it gets incomprehensible, calling Petrozza 'The Mille' and a CD a 'Mature plastic tray' just to name a couple:


Uses a few really weird terms, maybe you could note that to him, make sure he'll make it into something easier and better to read, apart from that it's a nice review imo

Spoiler: show
score too high damnit :grumble:
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tomcat_ha about me bashing BastardHead's musical taste wrote:
i would normally use the saying pot calling the kettle black but in your case its more like a black hole calling a kettle black.

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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
Posts: 7022
Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Tue Jun 24, 2014 3:07 am 
 

Spoiler: show
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lord_ghengis
Metal freak

Joined: Mon Dec 04, 2006 8:31 pm
Posts: 5642
Location: Australia
PostPosted: Tue Jun 24, 2014 6:48 am 
 

I'm not sure if the author understands "hot" can be used to say that someone is sexually attractive... I'm not sure which way is funnier either.
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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
Posts: 7022
Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Fri Jun 27, 2014 2:18 am 
 

Spoiler: show
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:thumbsdown:
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Iron_Wizard wrote:
I read about sex online. Thats how i figured out how to masturbate. It took me a while to figure it out.

Last.fm

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LeMiserable
Milhouse van Houten

Joined: Sun Dec 08, 2013 7:42 am
Posts: 567
Location: Netherlands
PostPosted: Fri Jun 27, 2014 3:12 am 
 

Thou shall learn what's music from me, you peasants!
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tomcat_ha about me bashing BastardHead's musical taste wrote:
i would normally use the saying pot calling the kettle black but in your case its more like a black hole calling a kettle black.

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Rompestromper
Metal newbie

Joined: Mon Jun 23, 2014 2:37 pm
Posts: 189
Location: Netherlands
PostPosted: Fri Jun 27, 2014 3:24 am 
 

"In this album you will hear drums."
That's a first in metal, right?

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severzhavnost
Metalhead

Joined: Sun Oct 12, 2008 10:16 pm
Posts: 1515
Location: Ottawa
PostPosted: Fri Jun 27, 2014 3:04 pm 
 

If it were up to me, his original submission could have squeezed by as a weak 3-pointer. This is why I don't have rank I guess :p But making an ass of himself in response to rejection, yeah, he shat his nest right there.
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BastardHead
Magic Mike

Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2005 7:53 pm
Posts: 6928
Location: Elgin, Illinois
PostPosted: Fri Jun 27, 2014 3:25 pm 
 

Come on y'all, I wish we had more smartass responses like that. Usually if somebody puts in an addendum like that it's just WTF GUNTHER YOU ARE THE GAY #1.

My personal favorite was when I rejected a review for being a track by track and told him to take that out and give a big picture view instead, and he resubmit it with only the intro and outro paragraphs.
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Lair of the Bastard: LATEST REVIEW: Diamond Plate - Pulse

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MutantClannfear
Veteran

Joined: Thu May 27, 2010 12:12 am
Posts: 2683
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sat Jun 28, 2014 3:00 am 
 

I like what he was aiming for there, but it's greatly overshadowed by the fact that he called it a "prologue" and then stuck it on the end. That's an epilogue goddammit
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Zodijackyl wrote:
Some people might be very offended if you mixed up pagan folk and black folk.

PhilosophicalFrog wrote:
Guys, Big Autism is behind it.

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SteveHNo96
Mallcore Kid

Joined: Sat Dec 13, 2008 8:32 pm
Posts: 5
Location: United States
PostPosted: Sat Jun 28, 2014 3:39 am 
 

Apes that run the web site. Hahahaha. I love it. No really, I do. Nothing invokes the mods to say "I love you" like comparing them to the monolith scene from the movie 2001.

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Diamhea
Eats and Spits Corpses

Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2007 7:46 pm
Posts: 7022
Location: At the Heat of Winter
PostPosted: Sat Jun 28, 2014 4:36 am 
 

Barely fits...but:
Spoiler: show
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LeMiserable
Milhouse van Houten

Joined: Sun Dec 08, 2013 7:42 am
Posts: 567
Location: Netherlands
PostPosted: Sat Jun 28, 2014 6:53 am 
 

^ I'd approve that :lol:
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tomcat_ha about me bashing BastardHead's musical taste wrote:
i would normally use the saying pot calling the kettle black but in your case its more like a black hole calling a kettle black.

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severzhavnost
Metalhead

Joined: Sun Oct 12, 2008 10:16 pm
Posts: 1515
Location: Ottawa
PostPosted: Sun Jun 29, 2014 11:31 am 
 

"Change yups, keep on detonating those real hot nukes..." :lol: Is that his own words ~describing~ the album, or a cut of the band's lyrics?
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Metantoine
bébé ours

Joined: Sat Jun 21, 2008 5:00 pm
Posts: 10497
Location: Québec
PostPosted: Fri Jul 04, 2014 3:15 pm 
 

2edgy4me: "And I'll get my copy on cassette, so then I could play it while driving my car even though I do not have a driving license!"
Spoiler: show
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dystopia4 doing his coming out wrote:
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