Reviews for Darkthrone's F.O.A.D.
oldschool - 90%
Written by old_one on November 14th, 2008

It's a cool album. This album is a rebel.Dark Throne turn the oldschool.

A review as minimalistic as Darkthrone's old style.

Epic poetry right there.

just 1 syllable too long to be a haiku... beautiful still.

Fixed dude.

Hear bass. Hear bass lurk. Bass lurk deep. Lurk bass, lurk!

I couldn't help myself.



Just think, that guy referred to the king as "it". God only knows what that king has down there.

Reviews for Entombed's Left Hand Path



YO WADDAFUK IZ DIS BULL$$HYTT????????????????????? - 0%
Written by slammysamman on December 5th, 2008

SUM NIGGAH TOLD ME DIS WUZ SUM KILLAH DETH METIL, BUT WUT DA FUKK?????????????????????????????????? DIS SOUNDZZ LIEK BLAK METAL OR SUM FAGGOT HIPPIE BLACK SABAT SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO FUKKIN SLAMZZ, NO GUTTURAL VOKILLZ, NO SIKK LYRIXXX, N' NO BREAKDOWNZZ???? HOW IZ IT DETH METIL WITOUT BREAKDOWNZZZ???? SKIP DIS SHITT N' LIZEN TO WAKING THE CADAVAH INSTEAD, DATZ REAL SIKK FUKKIN' DETH METIL!!! FUKK DIS PUSSAY FAGGOT WEAK BLACK METIL SHIT!!!!!!!!! SUPORT DA REAL SEEN N' LIZEN TO OUR ILL BREAKDOWNZ N' GUTTURALGORECTOMY-GRAVITY-BLASTZZZ FROM DA SIKKPITT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Obvious troll.

Yeah.

That is very funny.

Probably the best line in the review.

Ebonics txt spk wigger slam death/goregrind fan? I refuse to believe a human being wrote that with anything resembling sincerity.


I don't recall any BREAKDOWNZZZ in Scream Bloody Gore. Maybe my ears are failing me...or maybe slammysamman is a drooling retard. Hard to tell...


English translation: "I like to listen to Waking the Cadaver instead of building up my scrawny scarecrow arms with physical exercise. Waking the Cadaver's disgustingly misogynist themes are a way for me to channel my seething bitterness at the inescapable truth that I will never, ever get laid."


English Translation: "I think Dream Theater is gay because I am not intelligent enough to appreciate guitarists who play things other than open drop-C chords and vocalists who can carry a tune. I also like to drink my sister's used douche water."


English Translation: "Fuck this mayonnaise jar! This is the third time I've gotten my cock stuck in it today! Hey mom, could you help me with this thing?"


I think this speaks for itself.

To all of you reading this: whenever you read a troll that is incredibly obvious, and you think to yourself "This isn't funny, no one could possibly fall for it," read the post immediately above mine. Weep and shudder for the critical thinking skills of humanity. Weep and shudder.

Come on, we all know you're slammysamman.

LOL, i think he is a member of the band or something...

You're about three years too late in quoting that .

Better late than never.
Some of this stuff is incredible. I almost wish more idiots would send retarded stuff so it would be more amusing. Trolling seems kind of low these days except for sammyshameimnotamansam over there.

Reviews for Moëvöt's Abgzvoryathre

moevot - 95%
Written by sublimecourier on December 9th, 2008

I know very little about this genre of music --which may be good or it may be bad. Let me say this. In-your-face Hollywood evil has been glamorized into ludicrous proportions. Evil is not power, nor is it pyrotechnics. It is despair and dissolution.

Moevet presents evil at its most sublime, existential level. The music is backwarded and pulls the listener down, the antithesis of inspirational. It is all about the grip of descent. Nihilism. Decay. The illusion of advancement.

Frankly I hate to use the word 'evil', as it implies motive force and that runs counter to despair. This music unwinds order and 'champions' decay. I am forever haunted by the lost souls beneath my feet and, short of some improbable and unimaginable intervention, will no doubt join them one day.

Here is my interpretation:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uk_Gn6tKIHU
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Holy shit, Prozak is back...

Wannabe intellectual wannabe kvlt kids make the funniest reviews...

Except for Slammysamman.

"My interpretation"? A poem on Youtube?

That's way funnier than an obvious troll like slammysamman - this guy might actually be serious.

Do these guys get IP banned?

Reviews for Immolation's Harnessing Ruin

What a great album! - 99%
Written by fuckingreat on December 9th, 2008

Pros
-as always Ross growls fuckin' unbelievable
-Vigna's twisted riffs
-drumwork
-great lyrics and sick climate
-great mix of melody and power
-lack of fillers

Cons
?
I want moreeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

simple and effective

I actually enjoy reading stuff like this, it's such a good laugh.

Just think, there's someone out there who leads such a sad life that he thinks it's hilarious to write stuff like this. We can tell because people who act like that in real life don't know how to use computers.

Yes. Although there are obvious trolls, I just can't help but laugh at some of the material they come up with. That was hilarious as pathetic as it may be.

Out of curiosity I checked out that guy's profile. He actually has a Myspace with something I loosely call noisy music as well as a youtube channel. It leads me to wonder whether he actually takes himself seriously or something, he's like an advanced troll.

lol, a troll pro

Hehe, actually the guy who submitted this review looks about 30.

Oh no, they're evolving.

No they're not, because evolution involves passing off your genes, which involves mating, which involves sex, which trolls get none of.

This is probably late but here goes anyway.
I tried to translate it and it looks like advertising for the band.
I'll try to post a translation if you guys want.

Reviews for Through the Eyes of the Dead's Malice

FUCK YOU - 0%
Written by Frattyboy on December 28th, 2008

All the foreign pricks who run and moderate this site suck fucking dick. you wont accept my reviews because theyre sloppy. Hey you shitheads, english is my first language and i know theyre not sloppy. This is an awsome site bc of the fans not you nerdy acneinfested cocksuckers. maybe you should consider us you faggot ass cockbreaths.

^ not bad... somehow amusing.

Hmmm... I don't know, I, personally, think he needs to discribe the music more...

are you kidding me...? that's for sure! I mean, he doesn't describe anything!

Yes, indeed he is.

It's pretty confusing, but these south american hispanic guys are totally fucked up, I can only understand the real spaniards though.
It basically goes like this:

Matahero LP Available nnnnNNNNnooooOoooWWWW

14 tracks in Pro CD with booklet "a 12 caras couche blanco(white) y(and) negro(black) autogestionado"(don't know what the fuck this sentence means), available with this speed maniac by mail [email protected], to write for the whole band use [email protected] and httptp://www.myspace.com/matahero, on our shows, on vacations and specialized shops.
Price $3.500; special prices for distros, zines and the best moshers.
If you're from around or out of Chile, we do send stuff with previous agreement!!

Yuri "7 Lungs" Salinas
[email protected]

The most amazing thing about it is that someone actually believed that it would be accepted.

This brings to mind a question: is it acceptable to add steps explaining how to acquire the material in question, even if it basically means advertising the release? For example, providing a mail address for orders or something similar to that?

looks like a fucking caveman trying to explain something

^Review not good!
Rather eat shit and die!
Durst this mo'fo!
I hate him!
I hate him!
I hate him!