I think most of the 0s on the site are hyperbole.

https://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/ ... tch/890206 this one is close enough to 0%. Love it.

I like caspian's negative reviews, the one for BG's Twilight Orchestra is great

Bitterman is absolutely amazing, like, of all the 55 reviews he wrote, there's only one that didn't receive a 0%. All those titles and hilariously dumb and just make the reviews worth of it:

https://www.metal-archives.com/users/bitterman

I'd have to go with Zodijackyl's review of Beyond the Space, Beyond the Time.

Speaking of Noktorn, him giving DSO's "Si Monumentum" a good thrashing was a great one.

Your style hasn't changed as much as you think lol

I also reread my Arch Enemy review that got mentioned in this thread and god damn I had so much language in there that had held over from my proto-incel days as a teenager. I still think White-Gluz was a terrible choice for the band but hot damn I can't explain my rantings about how Angela was a Real Metalhead and Alissa is valueless eye candy as anything other than misogyny.

On topic: I can't think of a specific review to highlight, but I'd peg my favorites when it comes to negative reviews as caspian, lord_ghengis, and zeingard. All three of them absolutely nail that balancing act between acerbic and entertaining while still clearly spelling out why whatever album in question sucks. Even when I totally disagree with them, they're excellent at it.

There's a chance that I'm misinterpreting you here, but I wouldn't say that's misogyny. Usually when I hear a female vocalist in a metal song or something like that, my first thought is something like: "The only reason she's here is because the people who wrote the song hope that the listeners will get horny enough to become oblivious of the fact that the song sucks". I'm not hating the woman here; I'm hating the people who wrote the song. My guess is that your reasoning at the time was similar.

Besides, if it really was misogyny, you'd've hated Angela as well, I suppose.

Eh, I wasn't consciously misogynistic at any point after like age 20 or so, but I think a lot of those old feelings from when I was a frustrated teenager were internalized and it takes a while to actively unlearn it all (which is also why I mentioned finally breaking away from it when I met my wife, because she was always completely unafraid to point out when I'm being an asshole and she had to do it an awful lot for the first year).

I think the reason I can identify it as a holdover from my shittier days is because I know that even at my worst, I always respected the women who pioneered their place in metal history like Angela Gossow, Jo Bench, Doro Pesch, Sabina Classen, et cetera. But putting myself back in the headspace that I was in at that age, I can say that the reason I liked them so much is because they were quietly women. There wasn't a whole lot of overt sex appeal in their marketing, the music wasn't about being a woman, they were chicks that did dude stuff like the dudes did and that made them One of the Good Ones. Not all that different from the kind of thing a band like Radkey seems to deal with a lot. They have a great story as a band because they're modestly successful in a basically dormant genre nowadays, they started at a crazy young age and toured non stop for years to build their profile, and the three members are all brothers that grew up together and thus have amazing chemistry as players. But no, the thing that I see media and fans focus on more than anything else is that they're three black kids playing rock music in 2022 and boy isn't that just super fucking fascinating for some reason? That's kinda how I was with women in metal as a teen. They're certainly welcome in this space and I'll proudly be a fan and buy records if you act like one of the boys, but boy howdy you better not be too attractive or too feminine or too vocal about how things are different as a woman in the scene, because then you're just looking for attention, because that's the shitty backwards logic of shitty backwards people and I was a shitty backwards kid. The bulk of the first half of that review is just loaded with that kind of sentiment, even if I didn't intend it and never spelled it out directly, but I can recognize the implication behind my own writing there. Angela was one of the good ones, Alissa was not, and that's a problem that for some reason needed a fuckload of real estate in my review and it's genuinely jarring to realize I was still implying that years after I thought I had broken out of that bigoted line of thinking.

I'm 19 (soon to be 20), and I suppose I am right now where you used to be, sort of. I don't hate women. I'm mostly indifferent towards them, but I do hold in contempt the stereotypical "social media all day, clubbing all night, low IQ, mindless trend following" girls and can't help but to be slightly disgusted whenever I see provocatively dressed women. Sometimes, me and my friends would be driving through the town, one of them would comment on a hot chick he spotted on the street and I'd always say to him coldly: "A man has two heads and enough blood to run through only one of them.", which would almost always lead to a debate with them saying that I'm too shy/prudish and me saying that they're too easily swayed by their primal desires. My friends (unlike me) have been in relationships before, and they were all turned either into lovesick puppy dogs, sex addicts or both in a matter of days in their relationships and were utterly crushed after the breakups. I simply have no intent to let the same happen to me. For that reason, I tend to avoid them, and if my dismissal of women in such manner may sound bigoted to some, so be it.

Holy shit, dude, do you not read what you write before you post it or something? This is screaming "incel" so loudly I bet 3/4 of the forum hears it.

Eh, I wasn't consciously misogynistic at any point after like age 20 or so, but I think a lot of those old feelings from when I was a frustrated teenager were internalized and it takes a while to actively unlearn it all (which is also why I mentioned finally breaking away from it when I met my wife, because she was always completely unafraid to point out when I'm being an asshole and she had to do it an awful lot for the first year). Re-reading it, I think I actually did make the point that the real issue is that Alissa has a lot of talent and range so she's being completely wasted by just doing an Angela impression instead, which is what I still believe today, but it took like two paragraphs of me implying that she's some sort of interloper who doesn't belong because... I dunno I think she's sexy? before I actually got to that point.

I think the reason I can identify it as a holdover from my shittier days is because I know that even at my worst, I always respected the women who pioneered their place in metal history like Angela Gossow, Jo Bench, Doro Pesch, Sabina Classen, et cetera. But putting myself back in the headspace that I was in at that age, I can say that the reason I liked them so much is because they were quietly women. There wasn't a whole lot of overt sex appeal in their marketing, the music wasn't about being a woman, they were chicks that did dude stuff like the dudes did and that made them One of the Good Ones. Not all that different from the kind of thing a band like Radkey seems to deal with a lot. They have a great story as a band because they're modestly successful in a basically dormant genre nowadays, they started at a crazy young age and toured non stop for years to build their profile, and the three members are all brothers that grew up together and thus have amazing chemistry as players. But no, the thing that I see media and fans focus on more than anything else is that they're three black kids playing rock music in 2022 and boy isn't that just super fucking fascinating for some reason? That's kinda how I was with women in metal as a teen. They're certainly welcome in this space and I'll proudly be a fan and buy records if you act like one of the boys, but boy howdy you better not be too attractive or too feminine or too vocal about how things are different as a woman in the scene, because then you're just looking for attention, because that's the shitty backwards logic of shitty backwards people and I was a shitty backwards kid. The bulk of the first half of that review is just loaded with that kind of sentiment, even if I didn't intend it and never spelled it out directly, but I can recognize the implication behind my own writing there. Angela was one of the good ones, Alissa was not, and that's a problem that for some reason needed a fuckload of real estate in my review and it's genuinely jarring to realize I was still implying that years after I thought I had broken out of that bigoted line of thinking.

If you dislike incels, don't sound like one. Complaining that your friends with partners are "easily swayed by primal desires", resenting "provocatively dressed women" (kinda playing into "all women are whores"), and holding the "social media all day, clubbing all night, low IQ, mindless trend following" stereotype in the first place. Sounds to me like you just have a bunch of sour grapes and therefore resent your friends and their partners who are "luckier" than you. This shit is textbook incel. Even if you don't think you're one, you sure as hell sound like one and are in a mindset where it is extremely easy for you to turn into one.

My cousin had the same train of thought as you and he broke up with his girlfriend, despite being happier than I'd seen him in literal years when he was with her. He started lifting weights, gaining muscle, becoming intolerant of other body types. He started using misogynistic misspellings like "wahmen", and resented his friends that were in relationships because he thought they were being corrupted or steered away from their priorities. He laughed and said "I told you she would destroy you, this is why I'm never going to get a girlfriend" when his friend was devastated by a breakup. His justifications were very similar to what you're saying.

It's hideous, unhealthy shit to believe in and I really hope you can move past it and see that can be easy and fun to hang out with girls, you just have to not be a complete weirdo and not come into it with a low opinion of who you're talking to.

Coming from someone who held views kinda similar to yours when he was more or less your age (probably a few years earlier), yep, get rid of that mindset, even if you think you're looking cool for that (I did). Not that I've been infinitely lucky with women after I ditched it, but I definitely live in a more tranquil state instead of making vitriolic comments whenever my friends spot a nice girl lol.

Those reviews are still nice to re-read every once in a while, though, occasional exaggerated humor aside.

On an unrelated note, I like how Lee Harrison is becoming the signature man for everyone.

I don't care about looking cool or appealing to anyone. As Trey Azagthoth said, the purpose of beliefs are to serve you, not to make you look cool. And I, too, am in a tranquil state and my remarks to my friends are more redolent of a wise friend offering a piece of advice rather than exclamations made out of jealousy-induced embitterment. I'm saying that to them because I care for them and don't want them to end up in the same pitfall as the guy who attempted suicide I just mentioned did.

Exaggerated humor is my favorite part of BH's reviews.

It's just me and Lord of Diamonds, it would seem.

Slippery slope + you're making a whole lot of baseless assumptions/jumping to conclusions. You sound like one of those people who think that the slightest amount of care for your country/nation makes you a fascist, or that thinking that we should help the poor makes you a communist. Complete exaggerations and misinterpretations of one's opinions and stances.

"First five were world class / Next five sucked ass
Couldn't make it on hard work / So we dressed up with Soilwork
Stopped writing metaphors / Instead wrote a song called Metaphor
Our last founder tired of songcraft / So he quit the band to play World of Warcraft."

Back to 0% reviews, I always found Zodijackyl's closer to his In Flames - Sounds of a Playground Fading 0% review hilarious.

Quote:
"First five were world class / Next five sucked ass
Couldn't make it on hard work / So we dressed up with Soilwork
Stopped writing metaphors / Instead wrote a song called Metaphor
Our last founder tired of songcraft / So he quit the band to play World of Warcraft."

It somehow made me remember the artsy Napero review for Metallica's 'The View', despite not sharing much. This one is... peculiar to say the least:

https://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/ ... pero/25436

Anybody else enjoy autothrall's reviews of useless compilations? I love his "counting kronor" series on Bathory which culminated with 0% for Katalog. His review of Tankard's Hair of the Dog is also funny. Basically there's no other reason to check those kind of albums except for a chuckle from an autothrall's review...