Keep trying, my friend. You will get there.

Feel free to post here or PM me privately if you're stressing out too much. I can only provide words on a screen but I'm happy to listen (er, read).

The best thing is take it easy. Success with girls has come to me when I have not tried too much.

And about the exam, sleeping is basic. Lately I have problems to sleep and this is affecting me a lot. No serious problems yet but I have some problems to concentrate.

About examens and anxiety. For some reason I feel very anxious, which it didnt happen when I was an student. I should do a Swedish exam this summer but I feel quite anxious every time I think about it. Actually I have yet to register to the exam. The fact that it costs 170-200 euros and I have to travel to do it, just increases this feeling.

This is the essence of all truth. I usually met the most awesome chicks when drunkely slobbing around rather than when going out with the intention of meeting someone.

This is true, too, however I get nowhere that way, so for someone like me I have to actively put myself out there.


What's this exam for?

Yeah, sometimes you need to make the first step but the idea is to try to be calm and not try it so hard. I think you are doing fine.

Its a language exam like any other one just to prove your skills with a certain language(Swedish in this case).

Thanks, mate. I'm keeping calm about the whole thing but still trying to put myself out there.

Oh, cool. Do you know much Swedish? Or do you need more practice before attempting the exam? Is that why you're getting anxiety from it?

Well if you ask me, I should pass the exam according to my teacher. But to know something("much" would too much haha) and show it during an exam are usually quite different things. I had some negative memories from the English exam I did a few years ago, so I fear it could happen the same.

And I hate this feeling because I like to learn languages but every time I have to do an exam this enjoyment disappears. Plus I hate to pay so much hahaha.

I'm already tapering off of the valium, per agreement with me and the doctor. Shit is giving me crazy scary aggression/mood swings. No idea how people function daily on something like xanax; valium is supposed to be the easiest one to tolerate.

Always preferred Valium to Xanax as I sleep longer on it, but both of them annoy me as they leave this metallic taste in my mouth that makes food and drinks taste nasty. Anyway, back in 2002-2003 took three 5mg Valium daily for more than 1.5 years (could get it OTC in the country I was living in), went back home, was running out, saw the doc, he prescribed some other tranks (forget which ones) and told me to substitute and taper. Withdrawals lasted about ten days, bad tremors and occasional jerking, plus of course insomnia, possibly other symptoms like anxiety and depression but I honestly can't remember. Not pleasant but obviously not as bad as opiate withdrawals.

Considering the "you need benzos, any pathetic loser who posts on reddit from his mom's basement is a more valuable member of society than you" (not a literal quote) attitude you get from doctors here if you ask for them, I quickly decided I'm not going to get into that. Doctors already are the most arrogant and condescending fucks on the planet, no need to feed that further by depending on them.

They do the same crap in Sweden. Twice at doctors here I've specifically asked if I can get some Valium (for what I believe was a legit reason), and got shut down. The last time actually the doctor went "Oh no no no no no no" and looked at me as if I had just told her I enjoy raping dead babies and would like access to any stillbirths in the place. When I asked why not she said "Because people get addicted to them!" I was like "So?"

Funny thing is before I came to Sweden I was in South Africa, went to a doctor there and told him I would like something to help me sleep on the flight, he asked what, I said Valium, and he went "Well how many do you want? 20? 30? 50? 100?" Needless to to say I arrived in Sweden with 100 Valium (which I managed to finish in just over two months, however I was generous and giving them out to Swedes I had met as a show of common courtesy).

Anyway, meeting my parents in Amsterdam in a couple of months, I just told them to bring me Valium. This whole "We know what is good for you" spiel when alcohol is readily available is total bullshit.

Great decision. I'm sure you're familiar with them at least somewhat from detox.

And as far as it being worse than opiate withdrawal, I haven't dealt with benzo WD full-bore like I have from opies more than a few times. From what I understand benzo WD is far more dangerous and should be done in a monitored wing of a hospital or specific center ala alcohol. With opiate withdrawal here in the U.S. they tend to just tell you to "bite the bullet" because of the unreal stigma associated with it, its almost like they would rather have you suffer so much you relapse from whateve. If you can get something called catapres (blood pressure lowering drug) it helps immensely since so many opie WD symptoms come from the sympathetic nervous system going fucking haywire. This causes the intense agitation and restless legs, and hot/cold flashes. Immodium is the only OTC drug that works for some of the symptoms 100% because structurally it is an opiate as well (who would have known?) I guess kids are popping tons of immodium nowdays trying to get high. Some desperate folks out there lol

Mental illness comes in the most unlikeliest of forms.

A girl I'm friends with at university revealed to me today that she is a self-harmer, has seen multiple psychologists, was bullied horribly at school, had abusive boyfriends, and was almost sent to the psychiatric ward near where I live. She suffers from depression and anxiety, too. This girl is a highly attractive teenager who smiles, jokes, sometimes sarcastic, and is intelligent regarding her studies. You look at her and think she's just a normal teenager, but below the surface lies a whole river of issues. So crazy.

This is so shocking and sad at the same time.

being a self-harmer, Is she not controlled by someone? I mean, she could do something terrible if she has an especially bad day. I knew a girl with similar problems, so beauty in the surface and some many problems in her soul.... this makes me feel sad.

Met a young girl at a intensive care sort of psychiatric ward once who was pretty enough to be in those high society circles millions admire. She was probably pretty messed up to begin with, but what put her there was that she got pregnant from her boyfriend, he forced her to have an abortion, and after she did, he left her for another girl.

It's certainly shocking because I didn't expect to hear it. I think her parents, especially her mum, keeps at her about it, so she does have that. I encouraged her to text or call me if she has any problems, and she seemed thankful for that. I don't think she will actually do it but it's nice for her to know that the offer is open. As someone who knew a similar girl, you can understand. It's bad.


Well, shit. That's no good at all. Do you know if she got better? Yeah, like that girl you met, my friend is attractive enough to model for cars, or be a cheerleader, or pick any number of objectifications, and yet this is her. It's weird how we are constantly surprised that attractive people have problems like "regular" people.

Yes, it looks like a small thing but the sole idea of having someone to speak abou it, can be a great relief and helps much more than we can expect.

Physical attractiveness can make life easier in many cases but it can also be a curse.

Having a good social circle is just so important so you don't feel alone in your struggles. Not many people would want to burden their friends but the right people around you will be supportive and encouraging. I hope my friend has that because she does deserve it, and I am one of the people in that circle.


I wouldn't know.

Sometimes happens that people release this burden with people out of this circle or not so close familiars/friends. This is because its easier to speak to people who wont judge you, or they wil simply listen to you. Sometimes they only need this.

Oh, absolutely. I was definitely non-judgemental and I let her do about 80% of the talking so I think that's why she trusted me and was comfortable revealing her demons. I think you're right in that she only needed that.

More appropriate is a very slow taper using a benzo with a long half life.

I've gone through both opiate and benzo withdrawal and I think benzo w/d is infinitely worse. Utterly terrifying. I had prolonged debilitating psychosis, persistent and regular seizures, hallucinations, black outs, all sorts of ridiculous shit. Granted, I have mild epilepsy but this was insane and went on for over 2 years. I would taper down by a tiny amount and all the symptoms would rear up again, and only really high doses would stop this. This was all supervised, some in patient and others out patient. Total nightmare. I can't even use benzo's for a few days now without getting w/d.

Opiate withdrawal was painful and incredibly sorrowful. I remember my childhood so vividly and just felt haunted by loss and grief. It took me many attempts through various means to quit. I ended up in detox then rehab and a few sessions of ayahuasca after that and came out brand new. Unfortunately, that feeling of newness has faded dramatically. Looks like my cure was quite imperfect.

Speaking of immodium, I hear of people who consider it effective in massive, massive doses, several hundred mg. And the withdrawal is apparently incredibly long ala methadone and ridiculously painful. Why oh why.

So this thing happened: last night I got a text from a friend saying that she's wanting to set me up with a friend of hers. I have seen photos of this friend and I wasn't captivated, so I sent her a message saying that I appreciate it but I needed to be honest and say that I wasn't interested. Overnight she replied saying that it was too bad but she will say that I've met someone instead of saying I didn't find her attractive because that would be "a blow to her confidence."

Now, of course I wake up to that message and realise that maybe honesty wasn't the best policy and I told her that I was just being honest and I didn't want her to think less of me or be disappointed in me (I very much value our friendship). So all day I'm thinking about it and it gives me anxiety that I haven't come across in a long time since my mental health has improved. I thought she might've been upset with me and my thoughts went far too wild and I couldn't really stop them until I saw her in the afternoon at work.

I finally saw her and it turns out she's been busy all day with school work and her own kids and whatnot and she didn't have time to reply. She was not disappointed in me and liked that I was honest and agreed that if there's no initial spark then there's no point. That relaxed me enough to almost make me cry because I had worked myself up into such a tizzy for absolutely no reason. People that live with chronic anxiety have it really hard and I have a renewed appreciation for the plight of the anxious person.

That's not necessarily bad Mikey, maybe you are just sensitive to things like that. I've sometimes wondered if my anxiety isn't all harmful for the same reason, in fact recently since I've felt the anti-anxiety drugs having an effect I've found myself doing things I wouldn't normally do, and I'm not sure I like it. Really disappointed in myself at some of them, in fact. There's an improvement in functioning and confidence but a definite kind of blunting of the sensitivity and consideration of others that I normally have. Unfortunately society often does not treat those of us who are highly sensitive very well, so some degree of blunting is necessary to function.

First panic attack in almost a year. Felt like shell shocked, dissociating. Was on the way to the gym, think I handled it quite well, kept going, and got to collect myself pretty well working out. Could only do three exercises though (three sets each) because anxiety for me has some side-effects that don't work too well in public, large intestine getting quite "active".

^Sounds like you have learned how to face down your panic. I've had maybe 5 panic attacks in my life- not many I suppose- but they really haunted me. After the first one, which came from nowhere, I was totally shaken up. I felt like I couldn't trust myself any more, that my body would just react and I would have no say in the matter. I felt like I was not in control of myself. However, I've come to learn that it is possible to degrade panic as soon as it arrives- not through deep thought, or raising awareness of cognitive distortions, or logic/rationality, but simply through mindfullness/breathwork. IME, panic is hard to reason with; it is sub-reason, prior to cognition and is very hard to 'think-away' in the moment. It is totally possible to refocus the mind on breathing- and, for me at least, it works. I've intentionally sought out panic through various psychedelic drugs so give myself something to work with and it just doesn't happen to me anymore. I haven't panicked in many years; Ive been tempted but I just refocus and things resolve.

Have had much less success in combating depression and general anxiety and drug seeking behaviour but if I can overcome the irrationality of panic, I guess I can overcome other irrational things. Live and learn.

I can absolutely relate to that Mikey. It has gotten to the point where I plan what I say half a minute in advance if I see a friend in school before talking to them, editing every little thing I want to say in my head before blurting it out due to constant fear that what I say will offend or be taken the wrong way, or strain my few precious friendships.

I then say it, and note that the next day they talk to me less, and my mind goes crazy with thoughts like 'you idiot, s/he now thinks you're weird/creepy/stupid'. Depending on the circumstance, I then recede into a little ball and start crying or just leave the world and get lost in my own head in an endless spiral of self-loathing, or get angry at myself and throw a fit.

Most of the time these thoughts are far too exaggerated and it's always unlikely that a person will be offended by something you say, especially if they know your personality and what you're like, and so on. I guess most people are this way at some point in their lives - some cope more than others.


What was the cause of the panic attack? Anything you can pinpoint?

It can be quite difficult to judge but if you know this person well, she wil appreciate your honesty. If a friend doesnt appreciate your honesty(and in this case you were honest but not rude) she/he doesnt deserve your friendship.

I´m glad that it worked well this time. Anxiety is something hard to control and it can be really harmful because being too anxious is what makes you say/make inappropiate things. The weird sequence of something happens/you make(nothing important)/you feel anxious/then you overeact/finally you make something wrong(not like in the first momento when you really hadnt done anything wrong).

This is familiar to me as well. With my gf or closests circle of friends I don't censor at all, usually. But when it comes to people in official circumstances like work or new acquaintances it's almost like a guessing game in trying to say the expected that gets the conversation "done", so to speak. Every now and then something uncensored comes out, and it can range from funny to mostly weird. For me it's more the constant feeling of having nothing in common with people that frustrates, rather than fear of friendships and relationships being ruined. Being this way steals a lot of energy that could be used better, whatever the motivation.

She did appreciate my honesty, and, if all fairness is taken into consideration, I'm the one not deserving of her friendship. But that's a whole other story.

I totally understand that, mate. Anxiety kind of snowballs and manifests itself into something uncontrollable until some event stops it from happening. Luckily those sorts of anxious moments are getting much rarer for me!

Thats great MikeyC.

Haha, I am sure that if she is still your friend is for a good reason.

My anxiety/depression issues have come to the point over the last few years where I feel like a total fucking recluse essentially except for when I'm at work. Other than with my partner, I've essentially become totally anti-social in an involuntary but trapped between a rock and a hard place sort of way. The sad fact is I was more social and had more friends when I was drunk/high all the time, but those days are long gone and any friends I met after that point I've failed to stay in touch with in almost every case. Whenever I know I'm going to be home during the day I feel like I'm making plans for myself, but they never materialize. For example currently my partner is away for a couple weeks and in that time I promised myself I would at least get outside to the park in my spare time to have a couple of beers and enjoy the sunshine, or even go to the metal night at the Coalition. Neither has happened so far. Part of it is that when I'm home I easily fall into the place of staring into nothing, thinking back on certain memories and conversations that are basically on repeat in my head, sometimes old mistakes or stupid things I said, or humiliating or negative past situations that my brain keeps creating alternate scenarios for for how it "could have been" (although its worse when this happens outside my place, because when it happens outside I suddenly find myself in places I'm not supposed to be without any recollection why). That or reading through the internet and most times barely registering what's happening. The logical part of me knows I need to stop dwelling but I can't stop it. I look at the clock once and its morning, I look again and its afternoon. When I do go out it turns into this big process before I can leave the apartment, unplugging everything, moving everything away from radiators, checking the knobs on the stove ten thousands times. Its ridiculous. I absolutely detest the fact that I'm wasting my life like this. More than once while I was still with my counselor I thought about medication with her, but after bad experiences with meds as a teenager I've always wanted to get my head right without it. I've gone through periods where that's worked just fine, but then there's always periods where I'm right back to square one. Part of me is back to thinking about meds again, but I don't want to deal with the possibility of having to try different meds before finding something that works for me. Not only that but since aging over the catchment age at the clinic I was going to I don't have a counselor anymore anyway and I when I went to make an appointment with my regular doctor the day of my appointment happened to end up a bad day which then turned into another period of "hide inside like a psycho recluse" again.

Anyway, just a lot of shit I needed to get off my chest. I feel like I'm at a stage where something needs to give, but I've also felt that way many more times in my life and nothing has changed. At my age its gone past pathetic.



Dude I totally get that, you're definitely not alone there! I find myself planning entire conversations in my head ahead of time both in person and through email is sometimes even worse. I don't know if its that way for you, but for me it gets to the point where I totally come to a stand still and become hyper avoidant of situations to try to avoid humiliation.

The idea of wanting to go out and do things like a "normal" person - whatever that is - is enticing, but I get that there's always some kind of obstacle. Don't go for the lavish social exercise. Start off doing something really simple, like maybe that beer in the park. That way you can get accustomed to going out and you can improve upon that for the next time.

Seeing a therapist again about these issues might be a good idea. They can give you tips to overcome the reluctance to go out.

Have you spoken to your partner about this?


I don't avoid anything because of it, but that was one time where it didn't work out for me. It happens sometimes.

I'm feeling bad today so I think some self-care is needed. The new Independence Day movie starts today. Maybe I'll go treat myself to that if possible.

.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts mate. I just wanted to say one thing; it doesn't matter your age, mental illness and troubles can strike anyone at any time. The one thing about being older is that you generally accumulate a bit more wisdom, a bit more reason, more control over emotions, and this actually enables older people to combat mental distress in a productive way. I had no luck combatting anxiety/addiction/depression when I was a younger man, I felt like I couldn't help but simply react to situations. As I've gotten older, and experienced more and learned more, I have better capacities to redirect my thoughts.

Don't worry about things you haven't achieved, you cannot change that. All you can do in the specious present is work towards the future. It is never too late to improve your life. Given what you are describing, I think you should look into Cognitive behavioural therapy as a way of counteracting what are actually irrational/unfounded beliefs.

All the best

Yep, my partner is aware as we live together. The good thing is we both have histories of mental health issues so there's a lot of understanding between us thankfully whenever one of us is spiraling. But I'm also acutely aware of the fact that I'm the one most often in the shit and who tends to be unable to go out very much for social events despite my partner really likes to go out with friends and coworkers, and it makes me feel a bit like shit that I'm such an idiot about it. My anxiety just goes through the roof very often at the prospect. And when we do I usually come home with the feeling I've made an idiot of myself. Its not like I don't leave the apartment at all as I do do some things, but never really anything where I make much connection with people (though part of that might be that generally I'm not a particularly likeable person). It just seems to take a huge amount of effort to actually go out and do things I'd like to do. But I do go to shows so that's something, but it takes a lot of building up in advance and even the night of I really have to push myself though once I'm there and in my own little world with the music everything's good. The thing as well is I generally avoid talking to people while there. One example was at Grave Digger/Blind Guardian where there was another guy in a Grave Digger shirt and his partner standing near me. I noticed at one point out of the corner of my eye it looked like he was trying to get my attention or about to talk to me in between sets probably because I was one of the only other people there in a Grave Digger shirt, but I tried my best to take a few casual steps away and pretend I didn't see or hear. Not because I didn't want to chat, but again because of that anxiety. Its one of those things where in the moment somehow my brain just stops functioning in a normal way and goes into panic mode.

Anyway, with all my blabbering, yes you're right I should see someone again about it. I prefer counselors over therapists partially because of bad experiences with therapists when I was 15/16ish but also cause I find counselors to be less medical about the whole thing and less about pushing meds. At the same time I do wonder if meds might be the only thing left for me to try. But as I mentioned I'm no longer eligible for that clinic and I would need to find another free counseling service since I wouldn't be able to afford to pay regular sessions myself. But you're right, it's something I need to do, its just a matter of pushing myself to find another.



Cheers for your post. You're right about focusing on the future. That's something I've been trying very hard to do the last two years. I've come to the point where I'm the opposite of what I used to be. I value life very highly after two big losses in my family a few years ago, and want to make the most of my life and appreciate even being alive at all. But creating action from that intention gets difficult when it comes to forcing my mind to overcome things. I went back to school two years ago to refocus myself and get more than minimum wage shit thanks to prompting and support from my partner who helped me with the application process. So I do try to focus on the future for sure but still not quite where I want to be as a consistently functional person. I would very much like to go out and do things I enjoy in a healthy way without it being such a huge build-up process, have friends to hang out with regularly, and just carry a basic conversation without feeling like an idiot and regretting every word.

Like Mikey you're right about the therapy, I need to push myself. Its just a matter of doing it which sounds simple enough but that kind of thing always seems to take me ages to actually do. My counselor I had before was good in giving me grounding techniques for when my brain decides to go nuts in public, but a lot of her other suggestions I never properly did justice to when I was still going to that clinic. For a bit I was trying meditation, but found it only worked when I stuck myself in a certain routine which can work in good times but in the bad everything goes out the window and sets me off the rails.

Anyway thanks again for the posts guys (and after posting realizing how long this is, sorry about the ramble). Much appreciated

Talking to a random person is difficult, even when it's painfully aware the two of you share a common interest. I avoid people wearing metal shirts in the rare times I see that in my location, too, because it feels like a forced conversation that neither party wants to engage in. At least you're still going to shows and being in social situations, so that's a good start.

Good luck with it all.

Cheers Yeah it can be difficult but the proportions at which I fail at life and basic conversation sometimes astounds me to the point of being comical. When I'm in a panic its as though my brain simply stops its ability to process information on the spot and therefore unable to respond to basic questions to which the answer should be automatic. Its absurd, really. Its embarrassing especially in the context of my partner's work events. I miss a lot of them, but when I go I worry a lot about coming off as not liking people or being rude when its mainly a case of awkwardness.

I don't know you, but I don't take your word for it. Everyone with social anxiety issues thinks they're the worst person in the world to talk to, but if and when you actually do build some confidence to be relaxed and confident in a conversation people are suddenly all like how awesome you are. And you're like wtf... But with some practice with sorting out that glaring contradiction in your head it actually builds confidence even more.

I'm kinda really drunk right now but I just want to say that I FINALLY told that friend about my virginity and she's totally cool with it all. She's non-judgemental and caring and kind, so I guess it all worked out in the end. And she told me her secret about her dad being a shitty pedophile etc., so secrets were shared tonight. Bourbon, vodka, and white wine were to blame.

It's been an interesting and cool night.